Original subtitles

Tssh!

Mirror, mirror on the wall I ain't too short, I ain't too tall

Damn, if I don't have it all

Come here.

Where are you going?

Oh, I finally got a date with Lori Williams and I am on my way. How I look, huh?

Uh, uh, boom!

Uh... Fine.

Uh... Fine?

Well, I don't know. I think it's that suit. It's kind of...

Kind of what?

It just has way too many buttons and the color is very '95.

Girl, you must be crazy. I look great.

I'm the man when it comes to fashion. I know when I look good. Shoot, girl, l...

Hey, guys.

I'm gonna go ahead and change.

Come on, everybody, your dad's on TV. The jury's about to announce the verdict.

Do you think she's innocent or guilty?

Oh, please, that woman turned more tricks than David Copperfield.

She'll probably get off with community service.

Seems to me, community service is what got her in this mess in the first place.

Serving the community.

- Y'all know what I'm talking about, right? - Hey, hey, hey. Shh, shh, shh.

Has the jury reached a verdict?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

What is your verdict?

We find the defendant, Tanya Bain, guilty of all 23 counts of pandering.

Order. Order.

Mm, mm, mm.

Boy, are there gonna be a lot of Ionely guys this Friday night.

Miss Bain will be held at the correctional facility until tomorrow...

... when she will be returned here at 9:30 in the morning for sentencing.

Court is adjourned.

Dad's liable to give her life.

I got grounded for a whole month just because I came home late.

Well, you deserved it.

I mean, getting everybody's hopes up like that and then showing up again.

This fax just came in.

Oh, my God.

What? What does it say?

It says, "I'm gonna kill you, Banks."

- Yo. It's a death threat against Uncle Phil. What?

- What? Dad?

Oh, thank God. I thought it was for me.

The fax came right after the verdict was announced.

And they haven't stopped since.

Oh, half of them wanna hang me, half of them wanna hug me.

There's a dude here from Appalachia.

He says he thinks your mouth is kind of pretty.

Guess I'll put this in the hug pile.

Whenever there's a high-profile case like this...

...every wacko comes out of the woodwork.

I say we treat this as a code-one priority.

We need to seal the perimeter. I want four cars on 24-hour surveillance...

...sharpshooters on the roof, and a canine team.

And remember, we're working with a nut here.

And who are you?

He's the nut we working with. Heh-heh-heh.

Carlton Banks. I'll be your point man on this little operation.

I'll tell you what, you let us do our job, and we'll let you do whatever it is you do.

And we'll send a extra car by, Mr. Banks, just to make sure everything's safe.

- Thank you, officer. - Come on, guys.

That's it? They're done? They're leaving? Well, I, for one, am not gonna stand here...

...and do nothing while your life hangs in the balance.

Son, my life is not hanging in the balance.

Now, wait a minute, Uncle Phil.

I don't usually say this, but I agree with the little squidget.

Come on, you can't go down to that courthouse by yourself.

You need a bodyguard. Hey, I'm your man.

I'll be fine, Will.

Uh-huh. That's just what Bobo Anderson said.

- Who? - Bobo Anderson.

One of my boys from back in Philly.

Bobo started getting all these threatening letters. Everybody was like:

"You need to watch your back. Brothers be tripping."

He's like, "No, man, I'm cool. I'm all right." Then, bam!

One day he just up and disappeared.

He was killed?

No, his family moved out of town. I ain't seen him since third grade.

Will, what has all this got to do with your being my bodyguard?

Oh. I figure if you let me slide down to that courtroom with you, you know...

...I might get to console some of them show-biz madam girls.

You know, it won't be just your body I'm guarding, you know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm talking about, dawg. You know what I'm saying, right?

You know. You know what I'm saying.

You know what I'm saying, right? You know.

You know what I'm saying, boy? You know...

Damn, I miss Bobo.

Oh, Carlton, I still think it was a little early to give up on the dating service.

Will, meet Safety Guy.

Safety Guy, what's up, bro? What's going on, boy?

Look, this happens to be the latest in home and personal security.

"Designed as a visual deterrent, Safety Guy is a life-size simulated male."

Hmm. And you're a pint-size simulated male.

Very funny.

He's gonna protect the Big Guy when we're not around.

You mean to tell me this thing can protect somebody?

- Oh, absolutely. - Hmm.

Huh. He must be on a break, huh?

Will, this is no time for tomfoolery.

Now, take your walkie-talkie and infrared goggles.

Damn.

Oh, my God.

Yo, I can see right through your clothes with these things.

No wonder you're so shy.

Ashley's out in the decoy vehicle and this will be command central.

This baby right here will monitor all our activities.

Your assignment is to be on this 24 hours a day. Have you read the manual?

- Committed the frequency to memory? - Check.

- Now, what do you do if we get caught? - Laugh.

Oh, I see we have company.

Who's your friend?

- Hilary, he's a dummy. - Heh.

Who needs brains when you got a body like that?

Hey, Uncle Phil, we are here to protect you.

I don't need your protection.

Negatory. Until we get you to the courthouse...

...we'll be watching your every move and protecting you at all cost.

Trust me, we are a well-oiled machine.

Looks like your well-oiled machine just ran out of gas.

Biggest day of my professional career and now I'm gonna be late.

You should've stayed in the car. We could've protected you.

The only person who's gonna need protection now is you, if you don't back off!

He's just a little tense about the trial.

Just let him bang down a couple Ding Dongs. He'll be all right.

Will...

...get a load of the clown in the corner.

We'd better check him out.

Carlton, come on, he's a clown.

He's probably going to some kid's birthday party or something.

We'll see about that.

Okay, pal, state your business.

Who are you?

Never mind who I am. And wipe that smile off your face and tell me your name.

Juggles.

Well, look, Juggles, get what you're after and get out of here.

Who are you?

Carlton Banks. And that's my father, Judge Banks.

I'm the head of his security team...

...and my job is to check out suspicious people like you.

So come on, let's go. Move it along.

Judge Banks from the Show-Biz Madam Trial?

Pretty impressed, huh?

More than you can imagine.

All right! Nobody moves and nobody gets blown up!

- Excuse... - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Mr. Juggles?

Hey, hey, hey. It's not Mr. Juggles, it's Juggles.

All right, Will, I got a plan.

You create a diversion while Dad and I slip out the back.

Hey, yo. Hey, man, where does that leave me?

You are so selfish.

What do you hope to accomplish...

...by strapping a bomb to your chest and blowing up a gas station?

I'm on my way down to one of the networks...

...and I'm gonna make them put me on TV.

And then the whole world is gonna see my talent to entertain.

Um... Wouldn't it be easier to just get a agent?

I had an agent and then he had my wife. Heh.

That's a joke!

There's gotta be a better way.

Yeah, well, I tried all the other ways, but it's always Bozo this or Coco that.

Never any jobs for Juggles, oh, no. And I'll tell you another thing...

...I could've sold twice as many hamburgers as that Ronald guy. That no-act clown.

No. No. Nobody wants to give Juggles a chance. Mm-mm.

One little tent fire. One little elephant stampede.

A couple of kids end up in the hospital and, all of a sudden, Juggles is poison.

As if they even saw me smoking that cigar. It's harassment, I tell you!

Well, you're probably in a hurry to get down to that network, you know.

So don't let us stop you.

Grab your little seltzer bottle, hop in your little miniature car.

If you go right now, you could beat rush hour.

No! No, no, no. Oh, no.

Now that I got myself a big celebrity judge hostage...

...I'm gonna make the network people come here.

I'll be a bigger celebrity than I even thought.

Now, I've heard enough. This plan's never gonna work.

Listen, clown, there are not gonna be any news stations down here.

Every station in the world is gonna be at the courthouse waiting for my Dad.

- Carlton... - It's gonna be a media circus there.

If you think any news camera people are coming here...

- Carlton... - No, no, no. He should hear this.

I mean, even the tabloids are gonna be down at the courthouse.

You know, he's right. This won't work.

Yeah, you guys are going down to the courthouse.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- But I'm coming with you. - Aah!

Juggles, no!

What are we, Driving Miss Daisy?

Come on, speed it up a little. I have a date with destiny.

I'm trying to obey the law, unlike someone else in this car.

Pedal to the metal, Tattoo.

And if I don't, I suppose you'll throw me out the window...

...just like you did Safety Guy.

Oh, the sight of that perfectly chiseled foam body...

...being mutilated by that 18-wheeler.

You bastard.

All right, look, you know what? I have had about enough of this.

Why don't you just give it up, man? You're going to jail anyway.

Hey, hey, hey. But who am I to be dissing jail, you know?

I hear there's a lot of fascinating criminals in there.

Look, Jugs... Can I call you Jugs?

You are going about this all the wrong way, man.

Dude, let me tell you. It is gonna be plenty of honeys down at that courthouse.

And you know how the ladies feel about clowns, huh?

Huh? Ha-ha. Oh. You look like you might've had a little freaky rendezvous...

...with the bearded lady or something down there, huh? Yeah.

So listen, if we go up in there holding hands, man...

...we gonna be sending the wrong message.

So why don't you pop these cuffs off and throw that bomb out the window?

Let's go to that jail and get our party on, you know what I'm saying?

You know, you got a bit of the clown in you.

- Oh, yeah? - You might even have your own act. Ha-ha.

But I work alone!

Okay. This is it. How do I look?

Oh, my God. Key? Key? Key? Oh, where is it? Where's...? Oh, here it is.

Oh, my God. Look, my hands are shaking. I'm never gonna be able to do this.

No, no, no. Hey, no, no. Relax, man. Listen, you can do it.

Will, if he doesn't think he can do it, let's not make him.

Oh, he dragged us all the way down here. He's doing it.

Court is in session. The Honorable Judge Banks...

Stop, stop, stop. Sit, sit, sit. Sit down.

Come on.

Somebody dim the lights. It's my damn courtroom, dim the lights.

Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages...

...presenting the hardest-working clown in show business.

I give you Juggles.

Where's the music?

Thank you, Judge Banks.

Ow!

Your Honor, what is going on in here? This is ridiculous.

That's the general idea. Ha.

Clean him up.

I'm sorry, bro.

It's not exactly clear what's happening in the courtroom...

... but it appears Judge Banks has lost control.

This is better than Benny Hill.

This wouldn't be the first time that a judge has succumbed to the stress of a trial.

We all remember when Judge Lance Peterson cracked...

... and rendered a verdict with the aide of a sock puppet named Randy.

Uh, uh, uh.

Ooh. Gee, Juggles, I could really use a hanky.

Well, my able assistant, let me see what I have here. Whoa!

Ha-ha-ha. Hey, hey. You never know when it's gonna end. Oh.

That's the end.

Move on to the next trick.

Oh! And now for the magic pan trick.

Remove the lid.

Um...

We should move on to the next trick.

I said, remove the lid.

Ernie!

They're not laughing. They're all against me.

Hey, hey, hey, now, wait a minute. Juggles. Juggles.

Now listen, these people are not all against you.

- Hey. - Hey, hey, come here. Come here.

Listen...

...let me say something to you as a friend.

You suck.

All right?

The reason you can't get work...

It's not because people don't like you, man...

...you know, it's not because people don't wanna give you a chance.

It's because you suck.

You know?

You're not funny.

You suck.

Will, are you crazy?

Juggles, he doesn't know what he's saying. You're very funny.

This crowd is just dead.

Carlton, Ernie is dead.

All right, so you didn't like that one.

Well, maybe you'll like the grand finale.

- Juggles. Wait, wait, Juggles... He's got a bomb!

Ta-da.

Ta-da?

Wait.

You mean, that's your big finale?

Will was right. You do suck.

Bailiff, get him out of here. Get him out of here.

Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I do this thing with dolls.

Sentencing for Tanya Bain, the show-biz madam was postponed until tomorrow...

... after a dangerously insane man in a clown costume...

... held the entire proceedings hostage.

Oh, please. That ain't even right. I mean, he ain't insane.

You know, he's just a clown that likes to make people laugh...

...and, I don't know, take some pictures or something...

Will, that's evidence.

Come on. Well, who says it can't be fun to play with evidence?

Come on, Uncle Phil, a couple pictures. Smile.

This is evidence. We shouldn't be playing with this stuff.

- Hey, look, everyone. Look who I found. - Hey.

Hey, it's the dummy.

Oh, yeah, and he found Safety Guy.

Can you believe no one stole him? Listen, everyone, we were lucky this time...

...but if we've learned anything from this crisis, is that in the face of danger...

You scream like a girl?

No. Is that preparation is everything.

Mom, you're the upstairs lookout. Ashley, man the decoy vehicle.

- Will, secure the perimeter. - You all want something to eat?

Hilary, upstairs on the roof. Geoffrey, in the kitchen.

Discipline, people. Discipline.

Well, buddy, looks like the security of the Banks family rests on our shoulders.