Original subtitles

There's nothing quite like putting up Christmas decorations.

Yeah. Hey, what you want for Christmas, Granny?

Oh, at my age, you don't need much.

Just the love of your family.

Oh. Cool. Hey, but at my age, you need a little more.

Listen, you mind taking a look at this here?

I know you got a little pull with the big guy, you know...

...so I was hoping you'd put in a word for me.

Hey, just let him know that the few times that I have been naughty, it was real nice.

You know what I mean? Heh, heh.

Carlton, what are you doing?

Mom said while she was gone, I could decorate the tree.

No, Mom said while she was gone, I could decorate.

All right. Carlton, you take one half of the tree.

Ashley, you take the other.

Fine. Carlton, you can have the top half.

There's my Christmas cookies.

Oh, great, Geoffrey you're here.

And if I said I weren't, would you leave me alone?

You can't get me down, Geoffrey. Not today.

Today is the happiest day of my life. Until tomorrow, when my show goes national...

...which will make that the new happiest day of my life. That'll make today...

I get the pattern, Miss Hilary.

Then you'll hem these? Great.

Geoffrey's on board.

Oh, Daddy, you're here. Heh, heh.

Congratulations on your big day.

Oh, thank you. Have you decided which TV you're gonna watch it on?

- Yeah. This one right here. - Great, great.

- Come on, sit down. Sit down. - Okay. Okay.

Click. Heh, heh. Look, I'm on.

Let's practice. How are you gonna watch me?

Oh, good, good. Oh, this is so exciting.

Look, there I am interviewing some very important guests. Heh, heh.

- Will, who's on the show tomorrow? - A bunch of pregnant women.

Great, I'll look thin. Not that I don't, anyway.

- Oh, I have a real knack for this. - Yeah.

Oh, here's the remote.

Our patented big-girl panel gives you all the support you need.

And remember, maternity clothes don't have to be drab.

But beware, in that last trimester, stripes are not our friends.

Well, that's all the time we have on our first national show.

Thank you all for watching, and remember...

Bye.

Celebrate good times Come on

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, man. Oh, Hil, you were slamming. The show was kicking.

Werner, if you don't stop dancing, I'm about to get seasick.

I'm here with national talk-show hostess, Hilary Banks.

Hilary, how do you feel?

They like me. They really like me.

Now, Hilary, now that you've reached this pinnacle...

...this high-point in your career, what's left for you to accomplish?

How will you possibly top this?

Oh, that's easy. I was thinking...

Well, um...

Well, I think that I'm goi... Ugh.

No.

Well, maybe I can't top this.

Right. Right.

My water broke.

Oh, okay.

Excuse me, I'm a doctor.

- Okay, have a seat. All right. All right. Cool.

Now, this is just like on ER, y'all. All right, so just chill. Everybody, just relax.

Hey, hey, how do you feel right now?

- Can somebody get this clown out of here? - Allow me.

This is the happiest day of my life.

Whoa. What a coincidence, Hil, this is the happiest day of your life too.

Your show just went national.

I know. Don't I look happy?

Hey, Spike Lee. We gotta clear a path, let this woman out of here.

Whoo! It's the good doctor. Congratulations, doc.

Hey, put it there.

Hey, you know what? Right after you wash that.

Hey. Uncle Phil, what you think?

Oh, it's, uh, big.

Hey, you know, it's the perfect size for, like, I don't know...

...a THX, Dolby Pro Logic, surround-sound subwoofer.

Uh, what's my odds?

- Laughing, that's a good sign. - Ha, ha, ha.

Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock

Jingle bells swing And jingle bells ring

Merry Christmas, everybody.

- Wait, wait, wait. What is that? - It's called flocking.

- It makes the tree look pretty. - It makes it look cheesy...

...and I won't have it on my tree.

Oh, your tree? Let me tell you something, missy.

Get that flocking can away from me.

- How dare you speak to me like that? - There's no way...

That's your side of the tree. I can do whatever I want to my side.

Ah.

- Granny, let a brother get a finger full. - Get.

- Let a brother get a finger full. - Get, get, get.

You know, l...

I just can't seem to get this bowl to stand still.

It might help if you put down the eggnog.

Worth a try.

You know, you're right.

- Hi, Grandma. - Hi, honey.

I'm so glad you're here.

I need someone to talk to. See, I just don't know what to do.

I was all set for today to be the best day of my life...

...but it feels just like any other day.

And I have this empty feeling, you know, like something's missing?

Sure, I have an effervescent personality...

...and a smile that could blind you from across the room...

...but I just feel so blah.

Oh, I'm sorry, were you saying something, honey?

You've gotta talk into my good ear.

I'm just happy that you're here for the holidays.

Okay, Hil, this is it. Now, these promos are important so say it like you mean it, okay?

And action.

Good morning, KFNS in Phoenix, this is Hilary of the Hilary Show.

Be sure to watch us weekdays at 4.

Hilary, the idea of these promos is to attract an audience...

...and make the show sound interesting. Give it a little gusto, you know?

- Give it that Hilary pizzazz. - Okay.

Hil, you could try a little something like this.

Good morning, KFNS in...

Phoenix, Phoenix

Phoenix, Phoenix

This is the Hilary Show

Phoenix, Phoenix

Yeah.

Something in between what you did and whatever it was that he just did.

Okay. Fine.

And action.

Good morning, KFNS in Phoenix, this is Hilary of the Hilary Show.

Be sure to watch us weekdays at 4.

Phoenix

Was it better?

Just give it another try.

You know, my head really isn't into this right now.

Will, there's somewhere I'd like to go. Could you take me?

- Yeah. Sure, Hil. - Okay.

Hil, couldn't you have said this with flowers?

Dr. King, dial 9.

We're not disturbing you, are we? Is it okay?

Come on in. Come on in.

I just thought I'd stop by and see the baby.

Well...

Oh, he's so cute. Isn't he, Will?

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, bald head, pudgy.

If he had a beard, he'd look just like my Uncle Phil. Ha, ha, ha.

Would you like to hold him?

Oh, yeah. I do. Let me hold him. I wanna hold the baby.

- Careful. Please, Hil.

Like I never held a baby before. I know what I'm doing.

Whoa. Hey, dude. Hold up. He tripping. He tripping.

Oh, he's so cute.

Oh, look at his little nose. Heh, heh.

And his little hands.

Hil, check it out.

Uncle Phil's hand. Ha, ha, ha.

- How's the new mommy? Feeling okay? - Great.

Look at you. You look so comfortable holding that baby.

Oh, really?

A baby will always tell you when he's in good hands.

And when he's hungry.

Ay! Hey, hey, hey.

Okay. You know, I just remembered...

...I gotta go someplace, uh, where that's not happening.

- Hey, come on, Hil. - Can't we just stay a little longer?

Well, I'm off my shift in 15 minutes. I can give you a ride.

Okay. Great.

Oh. Remember, doc, no mouth-to-mouth on the first date, huh? Ha, ha, ha.

Will.

Oh, it's like a hotel. They expect you to take this stuff.

Have you taken the roast out of the oven yet, Geoffrey?

Show me again how it's done, Nana Hattie.

Oh, all right.

I love my job.

Mm-mm-mm. Grandma Hattie's roast.

You know, a cow would be happy to be in your kitchen.

Boy, am I happy to be here.

Oh, great. You're all here.

I have some really big news.

No news is bigger than my mother's roast.

I'm gonna have a baby.

Now, that would be bigger than the roast.

Daddy, you're gonna be a grandpa.

Daddy, say something.

Geoffrey, get the Scotch.

- It's gone, sir. - What?

You've said my attitude has improved lately.

How could this happen?

It's the pressure, sir.

Phil, calm down. Hilary, darling, this doesn't have to be bad news.

Having a child is a gift.

Now, come on, tell Grandma, who's the father?

I don't know.

Oh, dear God.

Ashley, take your grandmother upstairs.

Will, takes notes.

Come on, grandma.

Just how pregnant are you?

Who said I was pregnant? I said I was gonna have a baby.

I think Aunt Viv must've dropped the ball on that little girl-girl talk.

Hilary, you're not making any sense.

I'm not pregnant yet.

I'm gonna go down to one of those fertility clinics and find a donor.

After Will and I went to the hospital, I realized what was missing in my life.

- I need a baby. - Oh. Heh, heh.

Are you insane?

Do you have any idea what having a baby entails, huh?

This is madness. A baby is a lifetime commitment.

A commitment that a couple makes. A baby is not a pick-me-up.

Scotch is a pick-me-up. Damn that, Geoffrey.

Daddy, I didn't come here for your permission...

...I came here for your blessing.

- This is your fault. - Hey, man. How you gonna blame me?

You're the one who took her to the hospital. Therefore, it's your fault. There.

Oh, forget it. I don't know what I'm saying. What am I gonna say to Vivian?

Uh...

"Hi, Grandma"? Heh, heh.

Hoo.

Thanks for coming, Will. It's really great to have your support.

No problem. When you leave here...

...there'll be no doubt in your mind what you wanna do.

Excuse me. I'd like some information about your, um, inventory.

Are you looking for something specific?

What have you got in a hunk?

You'll be happy to know that our donors are screened very thoroughly.

We have everything from doctors to rocket scientists.

You wouldn't happen to have this month's, would you?

Sure. Here you are, doctor.

Thank you.

We get lots of doctors.

Ugh! I don't think so.

Hey, yo. Thanks a lot, man.

- Glad I could be of service. - Hey, come on, let's get out of here.

Uh...

I'll catch up to you later.

Thank you all for joining me on another journey of love, happiness and good cheer.

So until tomorrow, goodbye. And remember...

Okay?

Whoo! Hey, good show, Hil. I'm glad to see you're feeling better.

Oh, what'd you expect?

Well, you know, after today, I kind of thought you...

Oh. That was just a little setback. I'm a trouper.

Girl, you are a super-duper trouper.

Well, I just hope my baby's a super-duper trouper too. Heh, heh.

Huh?

- Baby? Hey.

- You ready? - Hey, what's up, doc. What you doing?

Come back to deliver another baby, huh? What, you get a commission on them?

No, I came to pick up Hilary.

Bye, Will. On to plan B.

So how do you like the food?

- It's delicious. - Good.

I found this place the first year of my internship.

I was dying for food that didn't come out of a machine.

Heh, heh. I spent some time in Milan...

...and this place reminds me of a little restaurant near the Piazza Di Vani.

So any mental illness in your family?

Heh. Excuse me?

Schizophrenia? Anorexia? You know, general weirdness?

Uh, not that I know of. So tell me, what were you doing in Italy?

Shopping and studying Italian.

- So you speak Italian? - Well, not exactly.

I did more shopping than studying, but it didn't matter...

...I mean, they have translators in all those little shops.

So back to you. Any heart disease? Gingivitis? Midgets?

No.

Any relatives in the circus?

Uh, not that I know of. I mean... I did have an uncle who was a clown.

Ew. Duly noted.

Oh. Aren't they so cute?

You're so lucky, you get to be around babies all the time.

Yeah, babies are great. I can't wait to have a family someday.

How about you?

I suppose.

Oh, so you're not ready for babies, huh?

No, I'm definitely ready for a baby, it's just the family.

I mean...

I hadn't thought about it, I guess.

I don't understand. I mean, how can you have one without the other?

Wait, wasn't I the one asking all the questions?

Want another hit?

Hit me.

Ah...

What were we thinking about having kids?

What? What?

I was wondering what life would've been like without the headaches of parenting.

Imagine that, if you ain't had no kids.

It'd just be you, Aunt Viv and me all by ourselves in this big house. Ha, ha, ha.

Party, you know.

I saw the light on.

Can I talk to you, Daddy?

Oh, God, I don't wanna do this. I wish I'd...

Daddy, please?

- Fine. Will, will you excuse us, please? - Oh, yeah. Sure thing.

Hey, look, Uncle Phil, I just want you to know I got your back.

All right? Anything jump off, all you got to do is holler...

- Goodbye, Will. - All right.

Where did we go wrong?

Well? You said you wanted to talk.

Daddy, I'm not gonna have a baby.

Oh, that's a relief.

I must tell you, this whole thing has been very upsetting.

It's been upsetting for me too.

I thought that the show going national was gonna change my life.

I mean, I had set certain career goals for myself...

...and then when I reached them, I still felt empty.

Sweetheart, it's fine to have career goals...

...it's wrong to assume that's all you need to make you happy.

I know. That's why I thought I needed a baby.

Maybe I need a new car.

Oh, God, Hilary.

I'm kidding, Daddy.

Oh, God. I don't have all the answers. I wish I did, but I don't.

You know, it used to be so easy.

You'd cry, I'd buy you a bracelet.

You cried louder, maybe some earrings.

I miss those days.

Just remember...

...happiness comes from inside. Hm?

- I love you, Daddy. - I love you too, sweetheart.

- It's perfect. - It's perfect.

- I was talking about my side. - Your side?

Please. I've seen better looking trees hanging from rearview mirrors.

Oh, please. Your side looks like someone threw up on a snowman.

- Threw up on a snowman? - Hey, hey, that's enough, you two.

All right, now, each side is very nice in its own way.

You really think so, Will?

Yeah. I mean, you might've laid the flock on a little thick...

...but other than that, it's very busy.

Not bad, Will. Not bad.

I'm just kind of getting the hang of this parenting thing here, know what I mean?

Hey, Dad, I'm heading down to the mall. Mind if I borrow a few bucks?

I'm sorry, I'm busted. You're gonna have to get back with me later on that one.

You call that dusting, Geoffrey? Give me that. I'll do it myself.

God bless us, everyone.