All language subtitles for Tenure.en

Assistant Professor Thurber,

First, on behalf
of the tenure committee

And Grey College,

I would like to thank you

For your services
these past three years.

Thank you, Dean Leakey.

12 years teaching college.

Up for tenure again...
A job for life.

Before this, there was
Bowdoin and Union.

This may be my last chance.

Friggin' Grey College.

Motherfuckin' Grey College.

Hi.
Hi.

Dude!
Where you been?

Sorry.

I'm almost up.
I know.

What do you think?
Maybe... lose the shades?

My Oakleys?
No way, man.

Okay.

Nervous?

What do I have to be
nervous about?

It's only my entire academic
career on the line.

Of course I'm nervous,
jack-off.

Steve Kim's been
in there two hours.

Really?

Okay, just remember what
I told you, all right?

Not the end of the world

If you don't get this.

Yeah, well, if you
don't get tenure

At Grey College...

All right,
good-bye.

Steve.
Steve.

Shake it off, okay?

Whew. I got a good
feeling about this.

You're a great teacher.

Professor Hadley?

The tenure committee is waiting.

Great teacher.

Hi, everyone.

Oh, hey, guys.

Where's Dr. Hadley?

You just missed him.

We made cookies and everything.

Oh, that's nice.

May I?

Oh, yeah.

So, that's Bigfoot?

How can I just get one vote?

One vote out of 12.

That's a joke.

I wonder who voted for you.

I mean, I really thought I had a chance.
Didn't you?

I thought you were a lock.

What has Steve Kim ever done

For the anthropological
community?

Steve Kim... come on.

I mean, I produced evidence

Of a genuine Sasquatch.

There! Look.

Right there.
Yeah.

You come over here and tell me

That that is not the hind leg

Of an Appalachian
Sasquatch. Seriously.

I just don't see anything, Jay.

I'm sorry.

What?!

It's right here, man!

That looks like a tree.

It's not a fuckin'
tree, Charlie!

Come on!
It's Bigfoot!

I saw him.

I was there.

I'm the guy runnin' the camera.

It's right here.

Sasquatch weather, man.
Look for tracks.

Where are we going?

Relax, man.

It's my party, remember?

I just thought it was gonna
more of an indoor thing.

Dude.

Roll with it, okay?
Sorry.

I just got dealt
a hammer blow to the nuts.

I know, I know.

Besides, it's not like
you got anybody

Waiting up for you.

Why did you have to say that?

Just tell me where
we're going, Jay.

Dean Leakey's.
Why?

Come on!

It is with great pride

That I look back on the last
three years at Grey College.

I strongly believe
that I deserve tenure,

And through this
personal statement,

I hope the committee
will get to know me

A little better...
My accomplishments,

My dreams, and my myriad
contributions

To the academic community
at Grey College.

Huh?

"Myriad contributions"?

Okay, we're gonna start
a new novel this week.

It's called The Magus,

By an English writer
named John Fowles.

Anybody heard of The Magus?

No? Well, some people...
Smart people...

Think it's one of the best
novels ever written.

Then how come we've
never heard of it?

I... I don't know, Robin,

But if you all would like
to read the same books

That every other college kid
in America is reading,

We can do that.

Let's see, uh...
Catcher in the Rye.

Yeah, let's examine why
"Fuck you" is written

Is written on
the bathroom wall... again.

No, look,
I pick the books I read

Back when I was like you...

Misguided, morose...

You're still morose.

Anyhow, The Magus.

You all might not
have heard of it,

But it changed my life.

It has a little bit
of everything.

It has love,

And exotic locales.

It even has a little bit of sex.

Ooh, Stan's gonna like it.

Shut up, Ben.

Yeah, Ben, take it easy, okay?

Excuse me.
That's Professor Hadley.

Dude, we hit the wrong pad.

Excuse me.

I'm in the middle of
a class here, dude.

What do you mean,
we hit the wrong pad?

I guess our recon was off.

Our recon?

All right, mine.

I just feel bad.

Dean Leakey's
next-door neighbor

Never did anything to us.

Dean Leakey's
next-door neighbor?

Yeah, man.
He's in a wheelchair.

Jesus, Jay!

Yeah. Veteran.

Hero. Purple Heart.

I gotta talk to you later.

All right.

Professor Thurber?

Hey, Stan.
What's up?

We need a new faculty adviser

For the poetry club.

I'm president.
Wow.

Well, what happened
to the old adviser?

He died.

Oh, yeah... Dr. Churchill.
Sorry, I...

Wasn't that last year, though?

We never got a new one.

Well, Stan...

Look, I gotta be
honest with you.

I've never been
a huge poetry guy.

So, I think the best thing to do

Would be for me
to take a pass on it,

Just in fairness to you
and to the club.

Okay?

Thank you.

Thanks, man. Okay.

Son of a bitch.

Fuckin' kids.

Charlie, it's Margaret.

Remember me... your sister?

Dad told me that
he hasn't seen you

In almost two weeks.

The reason we put him
in that facility

Was because it was close to you.

I'm not gonna bring up the
whole money thing, Charlie,

But you said this was the only
way that you could contribute.

You promised you'd visit him
at least once a week.

So do it, Charlie!

Oh, and I almost forgot
the best part.

I got a call from
a lady over there

Who claims that Dad's been
making prank phone calls

To PBS telethons or something.

She said he's lonely
and he just wants to talk,

So... I don't know.
It's nothing weird.

I mean, yes, it is.
It is fucking weird.

But it's not perverted,
thank God.

So you need to talk
to him about that.

God, do you have
a cell phone yet?

Hey, Dad?

Dad, you in there?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad!
Huh?

Huh?

This place is
chock full of widows.

Like Sue in there.

She's Canadian.

Did you ever make love to
a native French speaker?

Dad, can we please talk
about something else?

Sure we can.

Sure we can...
Whatever you want.

I so treasure these
monthly visits, Charlie.

Well, Margaret called, and...

She said you didn't
sound so good.

Well, how do you feel?

I feel fine.
Okay.

Fine as I can feel
in this goddamn place.

It's not so bad.

Oh, what the hell do you
know about anything?

When I was your age,

I was a tenured
professor of English

At Princeton University.

Really?
I didn't know that.

Don't get smart with me.

You should be further along.

So... what about tenure?

Come on, Dad.
We've been through this.

I'm on the fast track at Grey,

And I find out in May, so...

Well,
you were on the fast track at Bowdoin, too.

It's gonna happen.

Christ, I'd hate
to see the slow track.

It's gonna happen.

Let's take some ecstasy.

What?

Let's take some ecstasy.

I bought it off this kid
in my Anthro 101.

Jay, that is idiotic.

You could get fired for that.

That's just rude, man.

You know what I meant.

Come on. I heard about
this cool student party

Way off campus.

You're still a member
of the faculty.

And so am I.

Dude, just drop me off, then.

I don't have a car.

I'm sorry, man.

I've got to work on my article

And my personal statement.

That's cool.

I'll just hang here.

With you.

No, don't. I mean it.

I don't think you should...

Mmm.

Jesus.

You sure this is it?

Yeah, they said
it was in the backyard,

In the woods and shit.

Outside? I don't even
have my jacket.

I'm not cold at all.

Fuck, I think
it's starting to work.

Touch my face.
No.

It's unbelievable.
Touch my face.

Come on.

Whew!
Take it easy.

Come on, touch it.

Professor Thurber?

Hey, Robin, how you doing?
Good.

Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?

Nothin'. Just kind of
checking in.

I'm gonna head to the woods.

Shouldn't you be at home,
doing your reading?

It's Friday.

Right, sorry.
Excuse me.

Besides, I already
finished The Magus.

Wow, that was quick.
So, what'd you think?

Uh... it had
a lot of sex in it.

Really? Did you...
You thought that?

I mean, it's not all sex.

I think that
there are, you know,

Larger themes at work.

I really like your class.
Thank you, Robin.

It's, like, the best class
I have at Grey.

It's a great group of kids.

Except Ben.

Do you think I'm fat?

Of course not.

Why... Why would you
say that?

This guy...

This asshole...

Look, Robin...

Heh.

You're a very...

Attractive girl.

All right?

So don't let anybody
tell you otherwise.

Okay?

Do you have a girlfriend?

Um, no.
Not right now.

Don't you get lonely?

I... Yeah, sure I do.

I mean, just like everybody...

So do I.
Yeah.

Well...

I should go find
Professor Hadley.

But it was great talking to you.

And, uh, I'll see you Monday.

Hi, Stan.
How you doing?

Can you drive me home?

Nope, gotta go.

Jay!

Jay!

Come on, man!

Up here, man.

Jay?

Up here, man!

Come on up, man.
It's unreal.

I've spent days up in trees...

Waiting for Bigfoot.

That's great, Jay.

Should we head home now?

What do you think?

It's about the passion,
you know?

Yes. Passion.

You think Steve Kim ever
spent four days in a tree?

Probably not, no.

And he got tenure.

Yeah, it's, uh...

It's messed up.

Passion isn't enough anymore.

That's what's messed up.

It's not about the classroom.

It's not about the kids.

What do you think
my chances are?

For tenure?
Yeah.

Dude, you're running unopposed.

I haven't published
anything in over a year.

Can we focus
on my shit-storm here?

Yeah. Sorry.

I'm 42 years old.

I'm sitting in a tree.

You seem so sober now.

What happened to
"touch my face"?

I'm pretty sure it was
just dyed aspirin.

Placebo, man.

I'll tell you one thing...

That shit-stack
just flunked Anthro 101.

Guarantee it.

Mr. Thurber,
may I have a word?

Professor Slocumb, how are you?

Myself and the rest of
the female faculty

Would very much appreciate it

If you would please
lift the toilet seat

When you urinate in
the faculty restroom.

What are you talking about?

I always do.

So, are you telling me

That the puddle of urine
I just sat in

Was not yours?

Yeah. I mean, no.
It, uh...

It wasn't mine.
It wasn't my urine.

I watched you
leave the bathroom.

I swear, I put the seat up.

Maybe...

Maybe when I flushed it,

You know, maybe it sprayed up.

No, no.
It was urine.

And it looked to me
like you aimed directly

At the toilet seat...

And just pissed...
Willy-nilly...

Without a care in the world.

I don't piss
willy-nilly, all right?

I'm fairly accurate,

And I always put the seat up.

Don't let it happen
again, Thurber.

Hey. I didn't do it.

Way to go, fire hose.

A pledge of $50 is
all we're asking for.

Show us your support

And call the number
on your screen.

Thank you for contributing
to public television.

Hello?

Hello?

Uh, hi.

Hi. Are you interested
in contributing

To public television?

Not really, no.

Well, sir, this is
a pledge drive.

What are you wearing?

I'm sorry, sir.
Please don't call again

Unless you want to contribute
to public television.

I'm sorry.
It's just, uh...

My father, uh...

He's been calling telethons

And just talking to people,

Complete strangers.

And I, uh...

Just wanted to see
what that was like.

That's really weird.

Yeah.

What's your name?

Beth.

Jesus.

Oh, Charlie. Welcome.
Come in.

Oh, thank you.

Just, uh,
put your coat in there.

Uh, what's Steve Kim doing here?

He's Anthropology.

What's...

- Hi.
- Hey, Charlie.

Oh, Charlie?

If you have to use
the bathroom tonight,

Would you please remember
to lift the seat?

What if I gotta
take a shit, though?

Congratulations
on a wonderful beginning

To the spring semester.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

No, no, keep those
glasses raised.

Before we go into spring break,

I want to share with you all
a little secret

That Professor Slocumb and I
have been keeping from you.

We have decided

To hire another tenure track
assistant professor

In the English Department.

Her name is Elaine Grasso.

She comes to us directly
from Yale University,

Where she received her Ph.D.
in English Literature,

And has been teaching
for three years.

Oh, fuck.

Believe me, we are
very lucky to get her.

I hope you will all
welcome her with open arms...

And open minds.

Now, enjoy the evening

And enjoy your spring break.

Cheers.

Hear, hear.

Oh!

Charlie!
This is an antique!

Sorry, excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, now it's coming out.

Hello?

Stan. Hey.

It's Professor Thurber.

Professor Thurber?

Sorry to be calling so late.

I was asleep.

I've actually given
some more thought

To what we talked about,
and, uh...

I'd love to new faculty adviser

To the poetry club.

You're too late.
Professor Grasso...

The new professor...
She's gonna do it.

Really?
Professor Grasso?

She's really nice.

I mean, she hasn't
even started yet.

She's very attractive
and seems very smart.

Stan...
I think she's from Yale.

What do you say we start
a new poetry club...

An alternate poetry club?

Anything you want, man.

That sounds like
it could be fun.

Great. Great.

Can you meet in my office
in the morning?

Yeah.
Okay.

Good-bye.

You said it could be
anything I wanted.

Yeah. But, Stan...
erotic poetry?

I guess I just never had you pegged for it,
you know?

Just how erotic
are we talking here?

Pretty erotic.

Graphic descriptions
and whatnot?

I can give you an example.

Okay. Shoot.

This one's called Stroker Poker.

Stroker Poker.

"Cock. Balls.

"My stroke machine

"Roars down the lustful highway.

"Cock. Balls.

"Stroke lust.

"My fuck machine's
engines are roaring.

"They're soaring.

Stan. Stan!
"Stroking..."

"Stroke..."

Professor Thurber.
Yeah, hi.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I wanted to introduce you

To Professor Elaine Grasso.

Oh.

Hi there.

Hi.

Really nice to meet you.

I hear you're gonna
be starting up soon.

Yes, yes.
I'm very excited.

I've heard a lot of
wonderful things about you.

Oh, likewise. Likewise.

I, uh... I was just
helping Stanley here

With the new poetry club
we've started up.

Fascinating stuff.

I'm the, uh, faculty adviser.

Well, that sounded...

Very creative, Stan.

I forgot that you guys
knew each other already.

Well, I met with Stan

And some of the other students

For a little pre-semester
poetry club get-to-know-you.

I mean...
the other poetry club.

Wow. Oh,
that's fantastic.

Pre-semester, huh?

Huh, that's swell.

That's great preparation
on your part.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Gosh, it was nice to meet you.

I should get back to work.

I guess I'll be
seeing you around?

I look forward to it.

Um... bye, Stan.

Good-bye.

Thanks for stopping by.

"My cock is locked and loaded!"
Hold.

Okay, just give me a minute.

It's nice of you guys

To include me
on your spring break.

Hey, man, I heard
about Elaine Grasso.

Who's Elaine Grasso?

Nobody. Just a girl.

A new assistant professor
in the English Department.

They just hired from Yale.

A looker, too.

- Tenure track?
- Uh-huh.

Well, that's just dandy,
isn't it, Charlie?

Dude...
that's your sister?

Come on, time's up.

We're not playing timed turns.

The hell we're not.
Put 'em down.

"Chug"?

For Christ's sake, Charlie,
you're an English professor.

That's a word.
Maybe if I'd had more time...

"Chug" won't get you tenure.

I'll bet that new girl...

The Yaley...

Grasso.
Professor Grasso.

Right. Grasso.

I'll bet you she knows
some two-syllable words.

"Quixotic"?

Dude, that's,
like, 1,000 points.

Damn right, Sasquatch.

And they say I have Alzheimer's.

Where's he going?

Who the fuck knows?

He's pretty cute.
Jay?!

Yeah, man?

No. Sorry.

I wasn't talking to you.

It's okay.

That's cool.

Ah!

We need to talk.

About what?

What do you think?
About Dad.

More specifically...

About how much money
his care is costing me.

Oh, God.

It's not right.
You're not even visiting him regularly.

I visit him. I've
missed once or twice.

It's no biggie.

Yes, it is.
It is a biggie.

He needs to be able to
count on us. He's sick.

He's fine! He just
won at Scrabble.

Okay, well, I need a budget.

And it wouldn't kill you
to spend $1,000 a month.

And more, when you
get your tenure.

Somebody get my video camera!

Huh?

Hello?

Beth?
Yeah? Who's this?

Hi, it's Charlie,
from the telethon.

You gave me your
number, remember?

Um... why are you
calling?

Well, you said that I could
call after pledge week.

I just wanted to talk.

It's 2am, Charlie.

I'm sorry. I just...
I thought...

This is really weird.

Please don't call me anymore.

Okay. Um...

I am sorry.

Whatever.
Good night.

Yeah! All right!

At least Steve Kim was...

A pretty run-of-the-mill
Korean guy.

I mean, he's a sharp
dresser and all...

I don't think she's that hot.

Well, that's good, man.

Because as of today,
she's your mortal enemy.

She's not my
mortal enemy, buddy.

Not me.

She's your Steve Kim.
Only hot.

I'm doing everything
I can do, right?

I've started this new
poetry club with Stan.

I'm pretty sure my article's
gonna be published this semester.

I've taught damn near
every class you can teach

In the department.

I think I'm in pretty
good shape. Aren't I?

Do you pee sitting down?

Yeah, occasionally,
at night. Why?

Don't admit that.

Look, I played by the rules,

And you saw what happened to me.

It's time for politics, man.

The dirtier, the better.

Why can't I just teach
my damn classes?

That's not how it works.
You gotta get creative.

I mean, look at her.
She's not even sitting

On the right side
of the bleachers.

Yeah.

Catch my drift?
No.

Wrong side of the bleachers.

Oh, yeah. Like, uh...

Poor school spirit?
Exactly.

School spirit
is a solid angle, man.

You deserve tenure.

That's your spot, not hers.

School spirit.

Good Lord.

Charlie, what are you wearing?

Oh. Yeah. Hi.

Oh, I see.

Elaine was just telling me

She is going to be published

In the next issue
of the August Journal.

Isn't that fantastic?

That's really great.
It's wonderful.

No, it's not such a big deal.

On the contrary, Elaine,
it is a big deal.

The August Journal
is the cream of the crop.

Yes. Congratulations.
Good job.

Oh, say, Elaine, I was
gonna mention to you

That, uh... I couldn't
help but notice,

At the basketball game
yesterday,

You were sitting on the opposing
team's side of the court.

Oh.

I didn't even know.

I just wanted to watch the game.

No biggie.

I don't know how they
do things over at Yale,

But around here,

We're pretty big
on school spirit.

Okay. Go Whales!
Right? Ha ha!

What I'm saying, Ben,

I just don't think your
story's as smart as you are.

I don't think there is enough

Of who you are
as a person in it.

So, you're saying
it sucks, right?

No, that's not what
I'm saying at all.

I just think it could be great

If there was more,
you know, Ben in it.

You've written a story here
that's about a hockey player.

That's not you.

Well, what would
you write about?

Uh...

I'd write a story about a, uh...

A teacher whose life
is in a shambles,

Just a kind of
slow-moving disaster.

He's mid-thirties,

Still sleeping on a futon.

The point is, it'd be terrible.

But I'm not a good writer.
You are. You all are.

That's what I'm trying
to tell you guys.

Maybe the teacher in your story

Just needs somebody
to help him...

You know, to organize himself.

Yeah. Yeah, thanks.

Look, you all want
to be writers.

You're really gonna have to
try and look inside yourselves

And examine who you are.

Otherwise, it's a waste of time.

You know,
take Stan, for instance.

He's been working on, uh...

Well, sex poems.

Look, it's not a joke.
It takes courage to do that.

That's what I'm trying
to say to you guys.

You're gonna have to take a
chance to do something good.

But what if writing what you really
want would get you in trouble?

Guys, look...

I told you...
For this class,

I don't want there
to be any rules.

I don't care what
the other teachers tell you.

I just want you
to be yourselves. Okay?

Write about what you know.

Okay.

Don't... Don't worry.
It's not a test.

Teacher evaluation form.

Just take a look at it.

Fill it out for me, please.

What's it for?

It's standard
for assistant professors

Up for tenure.

I go up for review next month.

I'm here to collect
the evaluations.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Any progress on
publishing your article?

No, not yet.

Is this gonna be a problem?

No. I, uh...

I mean...

Well, what do you mean?

What do I...
Charlie, I'm the head of the department.

This reflects on all of us.

I know. I just...

I've been rewriting
it again, and...

Good. You're up
for tenure.

You have to publish something.

Whew. I...

I am not charmed
by you, Thurber.

It's called survival, Charlie...

Letting the air out of a colleague's tires?

Don't get so technical.

She'd do the same thing to you.

Dude, floor it.

Floor it!

Go!

Floor it!

Hey, what do you know about
herbal sexual enhancement?

It's just that Maggie
says you're short on cash,

And I may have come
into something really good.

Maggie?
Your sister.

You call her Maggie?

So, you two talk?

Yeah, all the time.
You know, since the trip.

It's just that I know she's puttin'
the screws to you for cash.

Can we just not talk

About my family situation here?

Look, I just want to let
you in on the ground floor.

If you wait too long,

This thing's gonna blow up.

It's FDA-approved
and everything.

I appreciate that, Jay.
I really do.

But I've got
to go home right now

And bake a motherfucking
double batch of brownies

For the faculty meeting
tomorrow morning.

So I kind of got my hands full.

Mmm!

Wonderful brownies, Charlie.

Just wonderful.
Thank you.

Professor?

Oh, thank you, Charlie.

Oh. Good morning.

Don't mind if I do.

I guess Miss Grasso is not
gonna join us this morning.

Very well.
Let's begin.

All I can say is that
I was so impressed.

I mean, the talent
and the intellect...

So sorry I'm late.

I had a flat tire this morning.

It was completely
out of the blue.

Sorry.

Very well.

Charlie has volunteered

To act as secretary
in your absence.

Where were we, Charlie?

Professor Slocumb
was just telling us

About our Canterbury Tales
themed Caribbean cruise.

Right. Hannah?

Yes,
it was absolutely wonderful.

The captain spoke
flawless Old English.

All join hands.

Bring it to the center.

And take it back home.

Take it back home.

You should go out there,
Dad, have some fun.

I'd rather saw off my prick

With a plastic knife.

What's the good of this place

If you don't
participate in anything?

Exactly.

You hate it that much?

I don't know why I'm here.

Dad, you know, you disappeared

For three days last year.

We thought you were dead.

That's your sister talking.

We can't leave you
alone anymore.

Heh.

You think I'm not alone?

In chapter one
of the assigned reading,

We meet the protagonist.

And... ahem...

The themes are
very clearly established.

Does any one know

What the theme of
Crime and Punishment is?

Oh. Hello,
Professor Thurber.

Hi. Excuse me.
I just need to borrow

Your overhead projector
for just a moment.

Sure.

I'll be right out of here.

Excuse me.

Great book.
One of my favorites.

Wow. Usually I can't
shut these punks up.

Blair, did you even
do the reading?

Yes.

This is like pulling teeth.

I don't know how you do it.

And, so,
what did you think of Raskolnikov?

I mean, he's a poor
student, like you,

Minus the laptop.

What'd you think of him?

Well...

I felt sorry for him, I guess.

Why, Blair?

'Cause his life sucks so bad.

You get the feeling something
really awful is about to happen.

Which is cool, I guess.

I wish I was in this class.

I'll have this back
by tomorrow morning.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Check this out.

You are not gonna believe it.

Jay, what is this?

I've got her under
24-hour surveillance.

It's amazing. I found this perfect
vantage point in her backyard...

Oak tree, I think.
Maybe a maple. Strong branches.

All right, turn it off.

What? This is
the best part.

Jesus.

Fuck, man, this is...

What is this possibly
gonna get us?

Surveillance, man.
You never know.

It's illegal, Jay.
Says who?

Says the police.
The law, Jay.

I just thought...
Listen...

You can't do things like that.

You're supposed
to be helping me.

Listen...

Jay, I know your heart
is in the right place.

I do.

But you gotta promise me

That you're not gonna do
anything like that again.

Please?

I won't.

I promise.

Do you have a minute?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, come on in.

Have a seat.

I just wanted to thank you

For the other day.

I know we're in competition
with each other,

But that was really nice of you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
No problem.

I, uh...

The kids, they can be
a little weird

Around new teachers.

Yeah. I'm not so sure
it's them.

Anyway, I was wondering

If you had any advice...

You know, for the new kid.

Uh... gosh, I...

I think some of the best
advice I got about teaching

Was just to try to not
act like a teacher.

Just try to be yourself.

Yeah, I think that might
be the problem.

I am being myself.

How do you mean?

Dude!

I've been lookin'
all over for you.

We've got the Bigfoot Club.

The kids are waiting.

You know, we can
do this another time.

I'm sorry.

No, that's fine.

We're searching for Sasquatch.

Oh. Great.

Well, good luck.

Yeah.

Dude, I told you to page me
if you were under attack.

I wasn't under attack.

I was trying to converse
with a colleague.

I was just trying
to talk to Elaine.

Don't let Elaine
sweet-talk you.

It's time to be strong...

Or it's all over.

Pack your bags
for Turdville State.

Come on.
Where are we going?

I told you...
Bigfoot Club.

That was for real?

Well, I'm not a member,
am I? So I...

Probationary.
But the guys dig you.

Plus, you got a car.

Come on.

Leakey's gonna be pissed

When I'm on the cover of
National Geographic.

Oh, yeah.

You'll be an American hero,

And he'll still be riding
his stupid fold-up bike

Around Grey College.

Does that thing fold up?

That's actually kind of sweet.

I don't know. Maybe.

Dr. Hadley!

Get the calipers!

Calipers.

Remember...
If we make contact,

Don't show your teeth.
Never bare your teeth!

Come on!

This is what you signed up for!

Remind me to email that photo

To Steve Kim, will you?

Okay. "Email
Professor Kim."

Do you think it's real?

You're fuckin'- A right
it's real.

The only problem is...

I forgot to bring my plaster
casting gear with me.

The West Coasters
are gonna call bullshit

On the whole thing.

Fucking snobs.

That's bullshit!

Take it easy, guys.

It's all part of the yeti game.

What about the photos?
Those work, right?

Anybody can pull a hoax
with Photoshop these days.

This is bull-crap.

This is solid progress, guys.

Don't let it get you down.

Go back to campus,
get my plaster gear...

What if it rains?
We'll lose the print!

Cool down, dudes!

Easy. It's okay.

One thing's for sure...

That son of a bitch
is out there somewhere.

Did you ever talk
to Dad about the telethons?

You didn't, did you?

They called me again, Charlie.

Faculty lounge, noon.

I've got a winner.

Hmm!

That's funny.

I thought I left a Coke
in here yesterday.

Hmm. Oh, Elaine?

Did you get that Coke
out of the refrigerator?

No.

I brought this one
from home. Why?

No reason. I left a Coke
in the fridge yesterday,

And now it's gone.

Well, this one's mine.

I'm sure of it.

Oh. Well, I always put
a little sticker on mine

With my name on it.

So, I guess we could find out.

Do you mind?

Heh.

Satisfied?

I would be...

Except I put the sticker
on the bottom of the can.

That can't...
That can't be.

I brought this one from home.

I'm not gonna make
a big deal out of it.

It's warm.
It's not from the refrigerator.

Do me a favor.

Just buy your own Coke
from now on.

"My fuck machine's
engines are roaring",

"They're soaring!

Stroking and stroking
my balls..."

Is this the Erotic Poetry Club?

Uh, yeah. Hi, Robin.

It is, but we're actually
just wrapping things up.

Weren't we, Stan?

No. We just started.

You should join.

I don't think we're actually taking
new members this semester. Sorry.

Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.

Um, so...

What are you guys...
do here?

Well, um...

Stan kind of teaches me
the ways of the world,

And I try and soak it all in.

That's not true.
It is, Stan.

Don't sell yourself short.
Remember what I told you?

I wrote a poem.

It's called Teacher's Pet.

Read it. Read it.

Whoa. Robin,
do me a favor...

Wait on that, okay?

Stan, do you have something
you could read first?

No.

It's just that there's
kind of a hierarchy

In the Erotic Poetry Club.

And generally, as a rule,

We don't allow our
newer members to read

On their first day.

There's never been a new member.

And I'm president,

So I can overrule you.
Read it.

Okay.

"I want to be
the teacher's pet."

"The thought of it
makes me..."

Okay!
I gotta get going.

You guys take it from here.

No! Let her finish.

Sit down. Sit down.

"I want to be
the teacher's pet."

"The thought of it
makes me..."

"Sad."

"Because I know
it's not to be."

"I'm not for him..."

"And he's not for me."

That wasn't very erotic.

Was it?

Hey.

Hi.

Don't worry, okay?

It gets better.

I'm not so sure.

You want to take a walk
or something?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Okay.

I'm a terrible teacher.

Oh, come on.
No.

You're just having
a tough time adjusting.

It gets easier.

No, no.

I was at Yale for three years.

Same thing...
I never adjusted.

Well, they can
smell fear, the kids.

I know.

Yeah.

Can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

Yale was going to fire me.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

That's why I'm here.

I know Dean Leakey
paints a rosier picture,

But that's the truth.

I just couldn't cut it.

I just freeze up, you know?

I prepare, I plan,

I write everything down.
I know...

I know all the material
backwards and forwards.

But it just never fails.

Every time I get
in front of the class,

I freeze up.

I don't know what to do.

Well, I mean,
maybe you should try

To not prepare so much.

Don't write everything down.

Don't plan so much.

Just try to wing it and see what happens.
Ha ha!

No, I think you'd be
surprised by how well you do.

That's completely terrifying.

The fear part goes away

Once you get the hang of it.

I don't know.

Well, just remember...

You're the smartest
person in the room.

Hell, you're probably
the smartest person

At Grey College.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Did you see the look
on Leakey's face?

You're not hearing me.

It's over.

You're my best friend, Charlie.

I'm just trying to help.

I know you are, Jay,
but it's not right,

What you're doing.

And it's stressing me out.

And, you know,
she's a nice person.

How nice?

Nice.

Pleasant.

Christ, you dig her, don't you?

No, I don't dig her, Jay.

I just... I said
she was pleasant.

Still want to go to
the seminar with me?

Or are you all mad at me?

I'll go. Just stop
accusing people

Of stealing Cokes, all right?

Oh, yeah!

What does IBO stand for?

Come on, guys!

What does IBO stand for?

Individual Business Owner.

That is exactly right, my man.

Individual Business Owner.

The American dream,

And the future of
everyone in this room.

You!

Citizen!
What's your name?

Charlie.

Charlie! I'm Dave.

Hi.

That's the guy I was
telling you about.

Tell me something, Charlie...

Are you satisfied

With the way things
are going in your life?

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Zowie! Then why
are you here, Charlie?

Actually...

If my life were pretty good,

I sure as hell wouldn't be here right now,
you know what I'm sayin'?

So...

"Pretty good".

"Pretty good."

You're satisfied
with "pretty good"?

Yeah, I think so.

Let me tell you something,

Right here, right now, Charlie.

No, you're not.

Now I'm gonna ask
that question again.

Are you satisfied?

Yes.

And the answer is:
no... you're... not.

I am, actually.
I'm...

No, you're not, Charlie.
Everybody, come on.

Say it with me.

No, you're not.

No, you're not.
Yeah!

No, you're not!

I'm happy...

You're not, Charlie.
Okay, no, I'm not.

Or you wouldn't be here.

You follow me?

Yeah.

Herb-Erect is the future.

And believe you me...

If you have ever had
a 100% organic erection,

You'll understand why
this stuff sells itself.

I gotta go.
Excuse me.

Charlie.

Wonderful news,
isn't it, Charlie?

Yeah.

She's a real talent.

How are your own
publishing pursuits going?

It's been a dog's age
since your last article.

Things are looking really good.

We'll be hearing
the good news soon, then.

Charlie.

Oh. Hey, Elaine.

Congratulations on your article.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, um...

My boyfriend is visiting
for the weekend,

And, well, I was wondering

If you and your partner might
want to come for dinner.

Sure, that sounds gr...

I'm sorry,
did you say "partner"?

Yeah. Well,
Professor Hadley told me

You had a partner.

Like a male partner?
Like a man?

Well, yeah.
That's what he said.

No. No, uh...

That's not true.

What exactly, uh...

Did Professor Hadley say to you?

He told me you were gay.

No. No, I'm not.

I'm afraid he was just pulling your leg.
I'm straight...

Uh, as an arrow.
Oh, my God...

I've got a girlfriend
and everything.

I'm so... I'm sorry.
No, I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

I didn't... I thought
it was strange.

Um, well, listen,

Why don't you and your
girlfriend come?

Friday night?

Wonderful.
Yeah?

It's her night off.

She works at PBS.

Great.
Yeah.

Well, I'll see you then.

We'll be there.
Okay.

I know we've never
actually met in person,

But it is just one night.

I told you not to call me again.

I know, I know.
But, look...

I really need a date
to this party,

And who knows? You may
even like me, right?

I don't know.

All right, well, listen,
I'm not a stalker, okay?

So, we meet in a public place,

So there are no safety issues.

It's a long story,

But it would really
be helpful for me

If you could do this, you know?

I'm sorry.
I just can't do it.

What if I pay you
a hundred bucks?

250.

Okay, fine.

Yeah, 250's good.

Okay, and my boyfriend
is going to drive us.

You have a boyfriend?

Beth, can you hold on a sec?

Hello?

Where's my money, Charlie?

Margaret, hey, hi.
I'm good, by the way.

But, yeah, I've had a few
unexpected expenses this month.

But can you hang on a sec?

No, I can't hang on...

Beth, hi. Um...
thanks again.

And, um, I gotta go now,

But I'm gonna call you back
about the plans.

Okay.
Thanks.

A giant, hairy creature...

Part ape, part man.

Indians call him Sasquatch.

They believe he is as gentle

As he is powerful
and mysterious.

Yeah!

Hey, man.

What's goin' on?

Um...

You tell Professor Grasso
I was gay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, man, time out.

You're taking this
way out of context.

What I said was
that you were bi...

Curious.

There is no context here, Jay.

Bi?!

Curious!
Why?!

It's a big difference.
That means you're experimenting.

Well, here...

I mean, I was joking, you know?

She obviously doesn't even
know how to take a joke.

She thought you were
serious, Jay.

I just talked to her.

Heh.

All right, I'll be
straight with you.

I thought she has
the hots for you, man.

And that is definitely
a no-fly zone.

You gotta use your head.

I told you I wanted
to do this my way.

This was before
you benched me. I swear.

You just... You...

Jesus.

How are you gonna sell all this?

How are we gonna
sell that, partner?

We?
You said you were into it.

No, I didn't.
I left early, remember?

Does it even work?

I've had a hard-on
for 16 hours.

Are you serious?

No joking...
You know what?

It's actually
kind of uncomfortable.

But I called Dave,

And he said it'll go away.

Hey, this is it.

Just be cool.

Who is it?

Remember that shit-stack
who sold me that placebo?

The student, yeah.

Well, he's the biggest
dealer on campus.

Perfect down line.

Are you...
Are you crazy, Jay?

The guy sells fake ecstasy.

Only to teachers, man.
Just relax.

Ohh.

Uhh.

Just be cool.

Okay.

I got a date tonight.

So, if this shit
energizes my bunny...

I'll call you back.

You got a problem
with that, Bigfoot?

That's cool, man.
Yeah.

All right?

If you want out,
just say the word.

Yeah. I want out.

I never wanted in, Jay.

You're gonna thank me
later, dude.

Probably not.

So... you pay girls

To hang out with you
very often, Professor?

First time, actually.

Officer.

It's legal.

I checked.

It's an escort deal.

Right, baby?
Right.

Just follow my lead
in there, okay?

Okay.

All they know is that
you're my girlfriend

And that you work for PBS, okay?

I don't work for PBS.

What are you ta...
What about the telethon?

I was a volunteer.

That was community
service, actually.

Just...
Just roll with it, okay?

Can you do that for me?
Thanks.

I did drama in high school.

Okay.

Oh, and I think Tim wants
to have a threesome later.

Hi!
Hi!

Hello.
Please come in.

After you.

Hello, hi.
How are you?

Hi, Elaine.

This looks great.

Thanks for having us.

Warren Blake...
English Department, Yale University.

Flash Gordon...

Quarterback, New York Jets.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

Oh.

Ugh.

Um, didn't Charlie tell you?

Tell me what?

I'm a vegetarian.

Oh, no.

Oh, I...

Honey, I forgot.

I'm sorry.
It slipped my mind.

Oh, Charlie's so forgetful.

I became a vegetarian, um,

The first day I started at PBS.

It just felt right.

You know, I can whip up a salad

In no time at all.

Why don't I do that?

Let me help you, dear.
No, no, no,

We don't mean to put you out.

You sure?

That's fine.

What are you doing?

What? I am
a vegetarian.

Just... don't ruffle
any feathers.

I thought it was cool,

How I worked in the whole...

PBS thing.

Oh, yeah, that was great.

Just take it easy.

Just follow my lead, all right?

Ha ha ha! Charlie!

That's good.

So, Warren...

Hmm?
What's Yale like?

Beth...

Yale is the finest
academic institution

In the country.

Nay, the world.

I consider myself to be
one of the lucky few

In the field
of English Literature.

To get to rub shoulders

With some of the greatest
minds in our lifetime...

Horwitz, Bringard...

Whelan.
Hmm!

All close colleagues of mine.

What about Slocumb and Leakey?

Ha! They're
over at Grey.

Is the food good?

Heh. Yes.

The food at Yale is
positively exquisite, Beth.

Beth, did you know that Charlie

Is one of the most popular
teachers at Grey?

We don't talk about work
much, to be honest.

We have a very...

Ahem.

Passionate relationship.

Passionate, eh?
Ha ha ha!

Well, never underestimate
the power of the flesh, right?

Heh! Yeah, I'll say.

So, tell us, Charlie...

What is it that makes
a good teacher,

In your professional opinion?

Well, I think
the most important thing

Is to never forget what
it was like to be a student.

You know, I just try
and picture myself

Out there in the classroom,

Staring up at this dumb guy
at the front of the room.

What?

Um, I mean...

Why the hell should they
care what I say?

I think you have
to find a way in,

And, you know, make them
laugh, challenge them,

Keep surprising them.

And, um, once you're in,

I think you'd better
find a way to stay in.

I guess that's...
what I think.

We have a slightly
different approach.

I've never really felt
that friendships

Between teacher and
student are beneficial.

But obviously we're all entitled

To our own, uh...

Shall we say, style.

Warren, you haven't taught
a class for three years.

Thank you for reminding me
of that. That's true.

So, are you on sabbatical?

Yes, that's right.

That must be so cool.

Do you get high a lot?

Hmm, no.

No, I... I don't.

Heh.

Beth's...
really nice.

Yeah.

Where'd you meet her?

We met at a, uh...

PBS thing.

We were volunteers.

Oh. That's sweet.

And how long
have you been dating?

Not long. It's really
not serious.

Oh. Charlie.
That's awful.

No, it's the truth.

Well, she adores you.
Trust me.

Warren... Warren seems
pretty cool.

Yeah. Well,
he's unique.

Yeah.

You know what?
I really...

I liked what you said in there

About teaching.

Um, so, has it been
going any better?

Yeah. You know,
I still feel

A little bit like
an imposter, you know?

But I tried what you told me.

Oh, yeah?
Did it work?

It did, it did.
Things have gotten

A lot more...
relaxed around there.

That's good.
I felt like it would.

Did you get this wine at Yale?

Yes, that's right.

It's really good.

Well...

I guess that's it.

Thanks for letting me
give a hand.

Well, thank you for helping me.
No...

No, listen...

Beth's really lucky.

Oh, goddamn.

That got me so hot.

It was like role-play.

You up for some fun
tonight, Professor?

Me? Oh, no, thanks.

No? What are you,
gay or something?

God, she is hotter than
a firecracker right now.

I'm bi... curious.

So...

You are so freakin' hot.

Here you go.

Well, thanks a lot, you two.

I, uh, I think that
worked out really well.

Fuck you, pervert.

No. No,
you're responsible.

I mean, how can we trust you?

What do you people do?
You know what?

I need to call you back.

I see you, jackass!

God! You're such
a loser.

Hey, Margaret.
Sorry, I didn't see you.

Dad escaped.
What?

They called me two hours ago.

He didn't show up to water aerobics,
and they got worried.

Why didn't they call me?

They tried, but you
never answer your phone.

And God forbid
you get a cell phone.

He was doing so well.

He's fine, Margaret.

No, he disappeared
again, Charlie!

He's not fine!

Okay.

He has these episodes,

And he doesn't know where he is.

He could be in danger.

Ohh.

I have total respect

For your fugitive status,
Professor Thurber.

Well, I appreciate
that, Sasquatch.

I've been in your shoes...

Tons of times.

Runnin' from the man,
on the lam.

Sasquatch, do you think...

Everything's all right
with Charlie?

Yeah.

You did a good job, Professor.

Charlie's got
his head on straight.

I thought when I got
to be this age,

Things would get easier.

But everything just
gets more absurd.

Are you screwing my daughter?

Heh.

Heh.

It's not arbitrary.

We try to make a choice

Where he might go in.

What you look for is...

An oddly-broken branch.

Aha.

Oh, my God.

The Bigfoot Club?

What the hell is
going on around here?

We've been looking
for you for hours, Dad.

Jay, did you do this?

Oh, relax, Margaret.

Sasquatch had nothing
to do with it.

I ran into them.

We had a nice little expedition.

He's telling the truth, I swear.

Dad, you can't leave like that.

I'm not a child, Margaret.

What have you been
doing all day?

Where have you been?
Do you know how worried we've been?

I took a damn walk!

Dad, she's just trying to help.

Come on. It's okay.

Well, guys, so long.

See you, Bill.

He seems good.

Right?

Charlie.
Yeah.

This isn't funny.

Dad... you can't
do that again.

If you want to take a walk,

You have to tell somebody.

- Wait here.
- Okay.

Where'd you get that?

Sasquatch gave it to me, free.

Told me to pass it out
on the floor.

See that, Charlie?

Right there?

That's why she's not a teacher.

Oh, she wouldn't last a day.

Yeah.
You're different.

Oh, Christ.

You got it all?

Yeah.

Dr. Leakey, good news.

About your article, I assume?
Yep.

East Dubuque Review.

I can't say
I've ever heard of it,

But I'm sure it's
quite... competitive.

Oh, yeah.
Now...

Ooh! Oh, Charlie,
look here.

This is interesting.

"However, due to the fact

"That our magazine is
closing its doors in June,

"We can only offer you
publication

"On our sister website...

Eastdubuquerecreation.org."

Shit.

Congratulations, Charlie.

I'm sure this means the website

Will get many more hits.

I can't believe this is
our last class together.

Well, I guess we ought
to get started, huh?

Professor Thurber,
we didn't know what to do,

But we wanted to get you a gift,

Since you've been such
a great teacher this year.

Thanks. You didn't
have to do that.

We wanted to.

Well, thank you.

Let's see here.

Well...

We just wanted you
to remember us.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks. This really
means a lot.

Well, I find out
about tenure tomorrow, Dad.

So...

The big day is finally here, eh?

Is there gonna be
some kind of a party?

I'm available.

Well, I guess that all depends

On how it turns out.

Look...

If you don't get
tenure, you move on.

That's all.

Grey College...

Not so special, right?

And if you do get it,
that's fantastic.

You certainly deserve it.

The point is, you're
a teacher, Charlie.

That's what you do best.

Anywhere you go in life,

There's always
gonna be a classroom

Full of kids who need you.

I promise you that.

* Here we go again

* It's Monday at last

* He's heading for
the Waterloo line *

* To catch the 8am fast

* It's usually dead on time

* Hope it isn't late,
got to be there by nine *

* Pinstriped suit,
clean shirt and tie *

* Stops off at the corner shop *

* To buy the Times... *

I've got a real good feeling about this,
man.

Yeah.

It's not the end of the world.

It's only tenure.

Right?
Right.

Good luck, man.
Thanks.

Okay.

I'm gonna cut right to
the chase here, Charlie.

Your tenure vote was
three to three... a tie.

And in cases of a tie,

The Dean acts as
the deciding vote.

I've been watching you
closely, Charlie,

And I must say you've been
busy this semester.

Vandalizing my next-door
neighbor's house was...

An unorthodox beginning

To your tenure pursuits.

And can you also explain
your supposed connection

To the sale of an illegal herbal
erection cream on campus?

Cream?

And what about your
publishing record at Grey?

It's virtually nonexistent,

Save for some obscure
online journal.

And to top things off,

You have been accused
of various sanitary lapses

By members of the faculty.

If I can address that, uh...

I didn't do it,

As I stated earlier.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

On paper, you are quite simply

The worst candidate for tenure
I have ever seen.

The worst?

But in coming to
my tiebreaking decision,

I came across these...

Your student evaluation forms.

Your students love you, Charlie.

But I'm afraid
that's simply not enough.

However, I'm going to take
an unprecedented step

In this matter.

I am prepared
to offer you tenure,

On a strictly
probationary basis,

For a period of one year.

But your teaching duties
will be severely cut back.

Taking you out of
the classroom, we believe,

Will give you ample time

To focus on your own
research and writing.

Now, then...

What say you?

See you, Bill.

Yeah, see you.

What the hell's going on here?

I'm checking you out.

What?

Yeah, you're comin'
to live with me.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

You don't belong here, Dad.

Heh.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you.

Let's go.

What the Christ, Charlie?

Oh, yeah.

Wait here a sec, okay?

Uh, excuse me.

Just a quick announcement.

There are 200 bottles
of Herb-Erect

In the parking lot.

Free of charge.
First come, first served.

B-9?

That's B-9.

Come here, you.

Hey.

I'm proud of you.

You made the right
decision, buddy.

Thanks, Jay.
Thank you.

Dude, do you think
I can keep this mug?

I know it was a gift,
but I was...

I, uh...
Oh, hold on a second.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Hi.
Hi.

Congratulations, Charlie.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I'm late.

No, I'm really glad you came.

Um, can I get you something?
Yeah.

Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

So... are you ever
gonna introduce me

To your girlfriend?

Oh, this isn't
my girlfriend, Dad.

This is Elaine Grasso.

Hi.

Hi.

You like my son?

Yes.

Are you single?

Yes. Heh.

Really?
What about Warren?

I'm single.

Well, then, it's settled.

I hope to see you again, Elaine.

Me, too.

Excuse me.

Not at all.

So, what happened to Warren?

Um, honestly,

I think Warren
happened to Warren.

Yeah. Heh.

Well, don't worry,.

Grey College is chock full
of eligible bachelors.

Hmm.

Well...

I'm not worried.

Good morning.
I'm Charlie Thurber.

I'm your new English teacher.

I, uh, I used to teach
at Grey College

Down the road.

So, why do you want to teach us?

Well, uh...

I don't know.

It's the only thing I'm good at.

No, it really is.

So...

* When the cowboy sings

* When the Saturn rings

* When the ginger snaps

* When the thunder claps

* You can cut my hair

* You can fill my cup

* You can tell me lies

* You can make it up

* We're gonna make it
after all *

* I don't need to know

* Who's right or wrong

* It's not a crime

* To change your mind

* When the kitchen sinks

* When the sugar winks

* When the doctor calls

* When Niagara falls

* I'm a wayward Tom

* I'm a silver streak

* And the walls have ears

* But the walls don't speak

* We're gonna make it
after all *

* I don't need to know

* who's right or wrong

* It's not a crime

* To change your mind

* Don't need to know

* Don't need to know

* Don't need to know

* Don't need to know

* Don't need to know

* Don't need to know

* Don't need to know