Original subtitles

[sighing]

LOWELL, ARE YOU EVER GONNA MOVE?

ME? I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR TURN.

DO YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT WE'VE BEEN SITTING HERE

STARING AT THIS CHESSBOARD FOR HALF AN HOUR

AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS YOUR TURN?

IT APPEARS SO.

WELL, MOVE, YOU DUNDERHEAD.

MY PLEASURE, ROY.

[sighing]

CHECKMATE.

WAIT A MINUTE. MAYBE IT WAS MY TURN.

[seagulls cawing]

HERE'S YOUR TEA, FAY.

OH, THANKS, HELEN.

[chuckling] YOU SEEM PERKY TODAY.

OH, I'M EXHILARATED.

WE HAD OUR DRESS REHEARSAL LAST NIGHT

FOR THE SENIOR CENTER PRODUCTION OF WEST SIDE STORY.

YOU'RE DOING WEST SIDE STORY?

UH-HUH.

THE SHARKS AND THE JETS. I'M THE LEADER OF THE JETS.

WE WERE UP TILL ALL HOURS RUMBLING.

[chuckling]

FAY, I'M IMPRESSED.

WELL, I MUST SAY, IT'S GIVEN ME A WHOLE NEW UNDERSTANDING OF YOUTH GANGS.

YOU SHOULD NEVER JUDGE A BOY

UNTIL YOU'VE DANCED A MILE IN HIS SLIPPERS.

I DON'T SUPPOSE WE COULD SEE A LITTLE PREVIEW HERE, COULD WE?

UH, WHY NOT? I'M A TROUPER.

[chuckling]

OK, THIS IS THE BIG CONFRONTATION BETWEEN THE 2 GANGS.

ALL RIGHT.

WHEN DO YOU START DANCING?

THAT IS THE DANCE.

I MEAN, I-IT'S A SENIORS' GROUP, FOR PITY'S SAKE.

WELL, THE LEADER OF THE SHARKS IS IN A WALKER.

(Helen) HEY, GUYS. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

UH, GOLF FROM PALM SPRINGS.

YOU KNOW, LOWELL, I--I NEVER FIGURED YOU TO BE A GOLF BUFF.

WELL, I'M NOT. I JUST WATCH IT FOR THE FASHIONS.

OH, DEAR LORD.

THAT SALMON IS NOT A GOOD COLOR ON TREVINO.

WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S PRESIDENT FORD TEEING OFF, ISN'T IT?

OH, YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.

WONDER IF OLD JERRY HAS KEPT HIS GAME UP AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

[golf club swishing]

YEP. OH!

SLICED HIS DRIVE RIGHT INTO THE SPECTATORS!

WHOA!

HE HIT SOMEBODY.

I HOPE THAT LADY'S ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, SHE'S-- SHE'S FINE.

SHE'S GROGGY, BUT SHE'S SITTIN' UP. SHE--

(man on T.V.) MARSHALS ARE RUNNING TO HER AID.

OH, MY GOD.

(Helen) WHAT? HERE'S A BETTER LOOK.

SHE STILL SEEMS TO BE CONSCIOUS

MY GOD, HELEN, THAT'S-- THAT WOMAN LOOKS LIKE--

HELEN, I THINK THAT'S MY MOTHER.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, BRIAN, BUT I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER DOING IN PALM SPRINGS?

I MEAN, BESIDES STUMBLING AROUND THE 18TH FAIRWAY.

UH, I DON'T-- HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

IT'S BEEN NEARLY 20 YEARS SINCE I'VE SEEN HER.

I--I--I GOTTA GET JOE.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

PRESIDENT FORD JUST HIT BRIAN'S MOM IN THE HEAD.

WELL, ASK A STUPID QUESTION, YOU GET A STUPID ANSWER.

COME ON, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS. WHAT IS IT?

DID ROY SIT IN SOMETHING AGAIN?

NO. EVEN BETTER THAN THAT.

GUESS WHO WE JUST SAW ON TELEVISION.

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT,

SOMEONE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IN MANY YEARS.

NO, LOWELL, LOWELL, LET ME HANDLE THIS.

OK, JUST ONE MORE HINT.

HE USED TO BE PRESIDENT.

I JUST SAW MOM ON TELEVISION.

SO?

SO? SO? WE FINALLY KNOW WHERE SHE IS, MAN.

SHE'S IN PALM SPRINGS.

GOOD. MAYBE SHE'LL GET A TAN.

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT. WHAT--WHAT--WHAT'S-- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

AREN'T YOU EVEN INTERESTED TO KNOW WHERE SHE'S BEEN ALL THESE YEARS?

WHY SHOULD I BE? THAT WOMAN WALKED OUT ON US 18 YEARS AGO.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, SHE CAN JUST KEEP WALKING.

BIG LUG, JUST CAN'T HOLD A GRUDGE.

OH, FAY.

BOY, I GOTTA TELL YOU, I REALLY ENJOYED THE PERFORMANCE

OF WEST SIDE STORY LAST NIGHT.

OH, THANKS, LOWELL, I'M GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

OH, MY PLEASURE.

SAY, WHO WAS THAT FELLOW PLAYING CHINO?

THAT'S SIDNEY MARGOLIN, HE'S 80 YEARS OLD.

QUITE A LITTLE HOOFER, ISN'T HE?

BOY, I'LL SAY.

I DIDN'T KNOW THEY MADE ORTHOPEDIC TAP SHOES.

UH, THOSE WEREN'T TAPS YOU HEARD.

THOSE WERE HIS KNEES CRACKING.

ROY, ROY, UH, WHAT TIME IS YOUR 4:45 EXPECTED IN?

4:45.

IT'S ONE OF THE FUNNY LITTLE WAYS

WE DO THINGS HERE AT AEROMASS.

WHY?

UH, MY MOTHER IS ON THAT FLIGHT.

WHAT?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

I TRACKED HER DOWN, AND NOW SHE'S COMIN' HERE.

WELL, DID YOU TELL JOE?

YEAH.

AND HOW DID HE TAKE IT?

OK, OK, I DIDN'T TELL JOE. I LIED. ALL RIGHT?

YOU HAPPY? YOU HAPPY?

ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF FLIGHT 22 FROM LA GUARDIA.

AEROMASS, THE PREFERRED AIRLINE OF VACATIONERS,

BUSINESS EXECUTIVES, AND OUR COMPETITOR'S MOMMIES.

WELL, THIS--THIS IS--

THIS IS TOTALLY WEIRD, I GOTTA TELL YOU.

LOOK, WHAT-- WHAT IF SHE'S DISAPPOINTED IN HOW I TURNED OUT?

OH, BRIAN, OF COURSE SHE'LL BE DISAPPOINTED. NO, NO, WHAT IF--

WELL, WE ALL ARE.

BUT SHE'S YOUR MOM. SHE'LL LOVE YOU ANYWAY. HERE SHE COMES.

BRIAN?

MOM?

[sighing]

MOM.

OH.

OH!

OH, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP.

OH, YOU HAVE YOUR FATHER'S EYES.

OH, REALLY? NO WONDER HE DIDN'T LIKE TO DRIVE AT NIGHT.

[chuckling] THAT'S MY BRIAN. YEAH.

OH, I MISSED YOU, MOM.

ME, TOO.

I'VE DREAMT OF THIS MOMENT FOR 18 YEARS.

WOW. REALLY?

HELEN?

IS THAT HELEN CHAPEL? (Brian) UH-HUH.

HI, MISS HACKETT.

IS IT REALLY YOU?

YES, MA'AM.

WELL, YOU WERE ALWAYS A CUTE LITTLE GIRL

BUT NOW YOU'RE POSITIVELY GLAMOROUS.

MOM!

WELL, WHERE'S JOE?

UH, HELEN, COULD YOU GET US SOME COFFEE, PLEASE?

UH, COME, UH...

I GUESS I REALLY SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU THIS ON THE PHONE,

BUT, UH,

[sighing]

JOE'S BEEN PRETTY UPSET

THAT YOU NEVER GOT IN TOUCH WITH US ALL THESE YEARS.

WELL, I CAN'T BLAME HIM FOR THAT.

[people chattering]

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU?

I MEAN, WHY DIDN'T YOU AT LEAST CALL US UP

AND TELL US THAT YOU WERE OK?

WELL, I WASN'T SURE YOU WANTED TO HEAR FROM ME

AFTER LEAVING YOU THE WAY I DID.

THAT WAS SUCH A LONG TIME AGO.

WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE,

SOMETHING I'M NOT VERY PROUD OF

THAT I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW.

WHAT IS IT, MOM? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOIN' ALL THESE YEARS?

I'VE BEEN WORKING IN A LAUNDRY.

OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE. OH, MISS HACKETT...

OH, COME ON, YOU THOUGHT THAT WE WOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU FOR WORKING IN A LAUNDRY?

OH, MA, YOU MUST REALLY THINK WE'RE SNOBS.

HEY, JOE, CAN YOU COME OUT HERE?

WHERE WAS YOUR LAUNDRY, MISS HACKETT?

IN THE CALIFORNIA STATE PENITENTIARY.

NO RUSH!

YOU DID TIME?

UP THE RIVER? IN THE BIG HOUSE?

IN THE GRAY BAR HOTEL?

I KNOW YOU MUST BE ASHAMED.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

THIS IS THE GREATEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.

HEY, EVERYBODY!

GUESS WHOSE MOM WAS IN THE SLAMMER?

HUH?

MISS HACKETT,

DO YOU REALLY MEAN WHAT YOU SAID?

YES, I DID.

YOU REALLY THINK I LOOK GLAMOROUS?

OH! YES.

WELL, I GUESS I NEED NO INTRODUCTION.

SHOULD I KNOW YOU?

LOWELL. IT SAYS SO RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE THE MATHER BOY.

AREN'T YOU THE ONE WHO GOT TRAPPED UNDER THE ICE

AT THE WINTER CARNIVAL?

FOR 5 HOURS.

THERE WAS AN ARTICLE ABOUT ME IN TIME MAGAZINE.

WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE THE COLOR BACK IN YOUR CHEEKS.

THANKS.

OH, UH, MA,

WHAT'D THEY BUST YOU FOR, HUH?

WELL, I WAS WORKING AS AN ACCOUNTANT

AT A LARGE BANK IN SACRAMENTO

AND I SORT OF EMBEZZLED $850,000.

$800--

OH! WHAT I'D GIVE TO GO BACK TO 5TH GRADE

AND SHOW YOU OFF ON CAREER DAY, BOY!

SO, UH, HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA STICK AROUND?

NOT LONG, BABY.

I GOTTA REPORT BACK TO MY PAROLE OFFICER BY TOMORROW NIGHT.

SO, WHERE DID YOU SAY JOE WAS?

WELL, JOE--

WELL, MA, JO-JOE AND I DON'T EXACTLY HAVE THE SAME ATTITUDE ABOUT THINGS.

YOU NEVER DID.

YOU WERE ALWAYS A FREE SPIRIT, BRIAN.

AND JOE...

AND I SAY THIS WITH A MOTHER'S LOVE,

JOE WAS TIGHT-ASSED EVEN IN THE WOMB.

WELL, I--I--I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW JOE'S GONNA TAKE THIS PRISON THING.

WELL, IT'S SUCH A SHORT VISIT,

AND I'D LIKE IT TO BE A NICE ONE.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T TELL HIM.

[stammering] I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, ACTUALLY.

I MEAN, COME ON. JOE! JOE, UH,

THERE'S, UH, SOMEBODY OUT HERE

WHO WANTS TO SEE YOU.

HELLO, SWEETHEART.

HELLO.

IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU. YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

ALL THE THINGS I WANTED TO SAY,

BUT I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW.

BRIAN TOLD ME HOW WELL YOU'RE DOING, OWNING YOUR OWN AIRLINE.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

OH, YEAH, IT'S GOING PRETTY GOOD.

UH, LISTEN, BRIAN, I GOTTA GET HOME.

I'VE GOT A LOT OF PAPERWORK I GOTTA GO THROUGH.

OK. JOE, JOE, COME ON, MAN. DON'T-- DON'T DO THIS, OK?

NOW, LOOK, THE 3 OF US CAN HAVE DINNER TONIGHT,

JUST--JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.

WELL, MAYBE SHE CAN'T STAY FOR DINNER.

OH, I TRAVELED ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY FOR ONE NIGHT.

I THINK I CAN FIT IT INTO MY SCHEDULE,

IF IT'S OK WITH YOU?

JUST AS EASY TO COOK FOR 3 AS IT IS FOR 2.

EXCUSE ME, MISS HACKETT, I DON'T MEAN TO HARP ON THIS,

BUT WHEN YOU SAID THAT I LOOKED GLAMOROUS,

UH, WAS YOUR POINT OF REFERENCE

PALM SPRINGS OR THE STATE PEN?

HELEN, I HAVE THE FEELING

THAT YOUR DANCE CARD WOULD BE FILLED IN EITHER PLACE.

[exclaiming]

THIS WAS A WONDERFUL MEAL, JOE.

YOU MAKE A DELICIOUS MEAT LOAF. WHAT DO YOU PUT IN IT?

MEAT.

USUALLY, GREAT CHEFS DON'T LIKE TO GIVE OUT THEIR SECRETS.

WELL, IT--IT REALLY WAS GOOD. DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE?

SORRY, I WASN'T EXPECTING COMPANY.

ALL THE WAY BACK IN THE WOMB, HUH?

CAN I HELP YOU WITH THE DISHES?

NO THANKS. I CAN MANAGE.

I HAD TO LEARN.

[water running]

JOE, I'D REALLY LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

[garbage disposal whirring]

AS I WAS SAYING, I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT--

[garbage disposal whirring]

CAN YOU GIVE ME A BREAK HERE?

SURE I CAN. YOU'RE MY MOTHER.

YOU TOOK TIME OUT OF YOUR JET SET LIFE IN PALM SPRINGS

JUST TO VISIT US. IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.

JET SET LIFE?

COME ON, WHAT'S IT MATTER?

I MEAN, LET'S-- LET'S NOT DWELL ON THE PAST. I SAY--

YEAH, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU DID PRETTY WELL FOR YOURSELF

ONCE YOU DITCHED US FOR LIFE IN THE FAST LANE.

WHY CAN'T WE ALL BE A FAMILY? LIFE IN THE FAST LANE?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHERE I'VE REALLY BEEN, JOE?

HEY, WHO WANTS TO SEE ME TAKE OUT MY OWN EYEBALL?

NOW YOU GOTTA LOOK QUICKLY BECAUSE, UH, I'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE.

YOU KNOW, I--I REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN

WHAT YOU AND YOUR FANCY WEST COAST FRIENDS HAVE BEEN UP TO.

SEE, THAT'S GREAT. HE DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN.

THAT'S GREAT. IT'S SETTLED.

WHO WANTS TO HAVE SOME ICE CREAM?

WELL, I WANNA TELL YOU ANYWAY. IT'S TIME YOU KNEW.

COME ON, WHO WANTS CHOCOLATE?

WHO WANTS CHERRY, WHO WANTS TO SEE ME EAT A MOUSE?

I HAVE BEEN IN PRISON, JOE,

FOR 8 LONG YEARS, DOING LAUNDRY.

WHICH IS A BREAK FOR US, JOE,

BECAUSE I'VE HAD A LOT OF STATIC CLING IN MY SHORTS LATELY.

AND YOU WERE IN JAIL?

IT'S NOT ENOUGH YOU ABANDON US,

YOU'RE A FELON! DID YOU KNOW THAT?

WELL, YEAH, A LITTLE EMBEZZLEMENT, NOTHING SERIOUS.

IT'S NOT LIKE SHE SOLD RAP MUSIC OR ANYTHING.

THAT IS IT. THAT IS IT!

I DIDN'T WANNA SEE YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE

AND NOW I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU IN MY HOUSE.

OH, HEY. HEY, COME ON, IT'S MY HOUSE, TOO, OK?

AND THIS IS OUR MOTHER, FOR PETE'S SAKE.

AND WHY ARE YOU ACTING THIS WAY? HEY, WAIT A MINUTE--

WHY ARE YOU SHUTTING HER OUT?

HEY, SHE LEFT YOU, TOO, YOU KNOW.

YOU--YOU'RE TAKING HER BACK LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY DIGNITY, BRIAN? UH, NO.

WELL, YOU'D BETTER GET SOME. YOU'RE REALLY PATHETIC. BOYS, BOYS, REALLY. REALLY.

WHO THE HELL ARE-- I DON'T WANT YOU TO FIGHT.

[scoffing] OH, WELL, LOOK.

WELL, LOOK WHO DECIDED TO PLAY MOTHER.

WHAT'RE YOU-- WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?

SEND ME TO MY ROOM? GROUND ME?

ALL RIGHT, STOP IT! PLEASE! COME ON, I JUST WANT US TO BE A FAMILY.

YEAH, YEAH, GOOD. GREAT. GREAT. THERE.

THERE'S YOUR FAMILY. THERE SHE IS.

I'M NOT STAYING UNDER THE SAME ROOF WITH HER.

WHERE'RE YOU GOING? OUT.

[door slams]

OH, GOD.

SO, NOW WHAT?

MILK AND COOKIES?

I KNEW YOU'D BE HERE.

WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE

THE 2 THINGS YOU LOVED MOST WERE AIRPLANES AND CLEANING.

[chuckling] SO I SORT OF PUT 2 AND 2 TOGETHER.

OH, COME ON, JOE. WE JUST CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS.

YOU GOTTA SAY SOMETHING SOMETIME.

ALL RIGHT. HOW ABOUT THIS? WHY DID YOU LEAVE US?

OOH!

YOU WENT RIGHT TO THE LIGHTNING ROUND, DIDN'T YOU?

WHAT? OH, I'M SORRY, WHAT, IT'S NOT SUPERFICIAL ENOUGH FOR YOU?

OK. WELL, UH, LET'S SEE. HOW ABOUT THE WEATHER?

UH, IT WAS RAINING THE DAY YOU LEFT.

IT WAS SUNNY THE DAY I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

UM, IT WAS PARTLY CLOUDY THE DAY I TOOK MY FIRST SOLO FLIGHT,

AND IT WAS A WET, MISERABLE DAY THE DAY THAT DAD DIED.

YOU WANT TOMORROW'S FORECAST?

IT CAN'T GET ANY COLDER THAN TONIGHT.

[sighs] ALL RIGHT, JOE,

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I LEFT? I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

THINGS WEREN'T GOING WELL BETWEEN YOUR FATHER AND ME, BUT THAT WAS THE LEAST OF IT.

I WAS SUFFOCATING HERE.

I HATED THE COOKING

AND THE CLEANING AND THE CAR POOLS

AND THE BRIDGE CLUBS

AND THE P.T.A. MEETINGS AND THE... AND EVERYTHING.

JOE, I WAS JUST NOT CUT OUT TO BE A MOTHER.

YES, BUT YOU HAD 2 LITTLE BOYS WHO LOVED YOU AND NEEDED YOU.

WAS THAT REALLY SO UNBEARABLE?

YES. GOD HELP ME, IT WAS.

[stammering] WELL, HOW, UH, HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

JOE, YOU WERE PART OF MY LIFE, AND I HATED MY LIFE.

YEAH, WELL, I HATED YOU! HOW DOES THAT FEEL, MOM?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME?

WHO DO YOU THINK GOT YOUR JOB WHEN YOU LEFT? I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.

YOU LEFT ME WITH A SINK FULL OF DIRTY DISHES AND 2 KIDS TO TAKE CARE OF,

BRIAN AND DAD. I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE TAKEN CRAP MY WHOLE LIFE

FOR BEING TOO SERIOUS, FOR BEING A WORRIER.

W-WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS, HUH?

WHY? WHY?

JOE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

YOU KNOW, YO-YOUR LIFE WASN'T PERFECT. FINE.

YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN A DIVORCE.

WE COULD'VE MOVED, YOU COULD'VE HIRED A MAID,

SWITCHED TO PAPER PLATES, I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING, ANYTHING, BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE US.

I DID, JOE, AND I'M REALLY SORRY.

YEAH, WELL, "SORRY" DOES NOT CUT IT.

"SORRY" DOES NOT GIVE ME BACK MY CHILDHOOD.

LOOK, I THINK WE'RE ALL AGREED HERE

NOBODY'S GONNA NOMINATE ME FOR MOTHER OF THE YEAR.

I KNOW WHAT I DID HURT YOU AND BRIAN.

BUT I CAN'T CHANGE WHAT HAPPENED.

THE BEST I CAN DO IS TRY AND MAKE A NEW START.

HOW ABOUT IT, JOE?

WELL, GOODBYE, THEN.

I, UH, THOUGHT THAT YOU LEFT BECAUSE I BROKE YOUR PITCHER.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW THAT, UH, ANTIQUE PITCHER THAT GRANDMA GAVE YOU?

HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT?

I'D NEVER SEEN YOU SO MAD.

YEAH, BUT ABOUT SO MANY OTHER THINGS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

SO I WENT TO SCHOOL

AND, UH, I MADE YOU ANOTHER PITCHER

OUT OF CLAY SO YOU WOULDN'T BE MAD AT ME ANYMORE.

ONLY WHEN I GOT HOME, YOU WERE GONE.

[sobbing] OH, GOD.

OH, JOE, YOU POOR LITTLE GUY.

HEY, THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

IT'S DONE. LONG GONE. FORGOTTEN.

SO, YOU WANT IT?

WHAT?

YOU KEPT IT ALL THOSE YEARS?

UH, YOU NEVER KNOW. PEOPLE COME BACK.

OH, JOEY.

IT'S THE UGLIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

YEAH, ISN'T IT?

I REALLY STANK AT POTTERY.

HERE.

NOT ON YOUR LIFE. IT'S NEVER LEAVING ME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY? ONE FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE?

SURE.

IT'S TOO BAD WE DIDN'T SHARE A DRINK BACK THEN.

I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.

WELL, BRIAN SEEMED TO LIKE IT.

WELL, JUST A LITTLE IN HIS MILK SOMETIMES TO HELP HIM SLEEP.

I TOLD YOU, I WAS A LOUSY MOTHER.

I CAN'T ASK YOU TO FORGIVE ME, JOE.

I CAN'T EVEN ASK YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

I PROBABLY DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING FROM YOU,

BUT I'M GONNA ASK FOR SOMETHING ANYHOW.

WHAT'S THAT?

A HUG.

[pitcher crunching]

OH.

I COULD ALWAYS MAKE YOU ANOTHER ONE.

[laughing] OH, PLEASE, DON'T.

YOU KNOW, BRIAN, I'M REALLY, REALLY GLAD

YOU ASKED MOM OUT TO VISIT US.

YEAH, WELL, I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU GUYS MADE UP.

I MEAN, IT WAS REALLY COMFORTING HAVING HER OVER AT THE HOUSE.

SHE EVEN MADE ME A GLASS OF WARM MILK BEFORE I WENT TO BED.

REALLY?

OH, YEAH. SLEPT LIKE A BABY.

WELL, THAT'S A MOTHER'S TOUCH.

YOU KNOW, JOE, I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOUR FAMILY.

YOUR FATHER WENT CRAZY.

YOUR MOTHER ABANDONED YOU AS CHILDREN AND ENDED UP IN PRISON.

YOUR BROTHER STOLE YOUR FIANCEE,

RAN OFF WITH HER AND GOT MARRIED.

THEN SHE DUMPED HIM AND RAN OFF WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU JUST GOUGED YOUR EYES OUT,

YOU'D HAVE THE PERFECT GREEK TRAGEDY.

YOU REALLY THINK WE'RE THAT DIFFERENT FROM OTHER FAMILIES?

MA! MA, IT'S ME, OEDIPUS!

I WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.