Original subtitles

HI, I'D LIKE TO MAKE A RESERVATION

ON YOUR NEXT FLIGHT TO PROVINCETOWN.

UH, I'M SORRY, OUR COMPUTER'S TIED UP RIGHT NOW.

[music playing]

85,000 POINTS AND 3 SWORDS IN THE DRAGON'S EYE.

BEAT THAT, YOU WEENIE.

STEP ASIDE, YODA. YOU'RE IN THE WIZARD'S GLOW.

NO. NO, NO. I--I NEED THIS COMPUTER FOR BUSINESS.

OK, OK. KENNY, WE GOT AN IMPORTANT JOB TO DO.

WHAT'S THAT?

WE'VE GOT TO SNEAK INTO ROY'S PLANE AND CUT HOLES IN HIS AIRSICK BAGS.

COOL.

WHO ARE THOSE BOZOS?

OUR PILOTS.

NAME?

[seagulls cawing]

JOE?

(Joe) I'M OUT IN THE HANGAR, HELEN.

JOE, I NEED TO SEND SOME FLOWERS.

WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE ROSES YOU SENT ME?

UH, THE FLOWER BASKET OUT ON CLIFF ROAD.

DO YOU HAVE THAT NUMBER?

YEAH. IT'S IN MY PHONE BOOK. TOP RIGHT-HAND DRAWER.

HERE, LET ME FIND THAT FOR YOU.

THAT NUMBER IS 9-5-6-- EXCUSE ME.

UH, WHY'D YOU RUN IN HERE AND GRAB THAT BOOK OUT OF MY HAND?

NO REASON. JUST A CRAZY IMPULSE.

YOU KNOW WHAT A MADCAP I AM.

THAT'S HUBCAP.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN' TO HIDE FROM ME?

[laughing] OH, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

HIDE SOMETHING?

HELEN, YOU ARE BEING A LITTLE BIT PARANOID.

YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO THINK

THAT I'M TRYING TO HIDE SOMETHING FROM YOU.

MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK.

[keys clinking]

NOW, WHAT WAS THE QUESTION?

[drawer rattling] OPEN UP THIS DAMN DRAWER.

I WANNA KNOW WHAT'S IN HERE AND I WANNA KNOW RIGHT NOW.

HEY, HEY, HELEN, STOP--STOP THAT.

THAT BOOK IS PRIVATE.

THERE ARE 2 KINDS OF PRIVATE, JOE.

THERE'S THE KIND WHERE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE,

NOBODY CARES DIDDLYSQUAT ABOUT THAT,

AND THEN, THERE'S THE OTHER KIND,

THE KIND THAT'S REALLY PRIVATE,

THE KIND THAT MAKES YOUR FOREHEAD BREAK OUT IN A COLD SWEAT.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THANKS.

HELEN, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT

IF I WENT RIFLING THROUGH YOUR PURSE?

I WOULDN'T MIND AT ALL, I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE.

ESPECIALLY FROM SOMEONE I CARE ABOUT.

YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THERE

YOU WOULDN'T WANT ME TO SEE?

NO, JOE, I HAVE NOTHING IN HERE.

WHAT, I'VE GOT, LOOK, A BRUSH, MASCARA...

WHOOPS! GOT TO GO.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT'S IN THERE?

WHAT? NOTHING, JOE. JUST, YOU KNOW, USUAL GIRL STUFF.

WHIPS AND CHAINS AND...

A SELECTION OF SEXUAL DEVICES FROM THE FAR EAST.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH.

THIS IS DISGRACEFUL.

WHAT'S THAT, ROY?

IT SAYS HERE,

"MISS NANTUCKET PICKLED AT STATE BEAUTY PAGEANT."

I MEAN, HERE SHE IS,

A REPRESENTATIVE OF THIS LOVELY ISLAND

AND SHE GETS DRUNK AT THE PAGEANT.

WELL, ACTUALLY, ROY, IT SAYS,

"MISS NANTUCKET PICKED AT STATE BEAUTY PAGEANT,"

NOT PICKLED.

GIVE ME THAT.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THAT'S GOOD FOR HER.

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT YOU MIGHT NEED GLASSES, ROY?

GLASSES? NO WAY. I DON'T NEED GLASSES. UH-UH.

ROY, THE LOSS OF PHYSICAL PROWESS AS WE AGE

SHOULD NOT BE A SOURCE OF SHAME,

SOMETHING TO BE HIDDEN FROM THE PITY OF A YOUNGER, MORE CAPABLE WORLD.

AS DYLAN ONCE SAID,

"DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT.

"RAGE, RAGE,

FOR THE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'."

I THINK YOU'RE MIXING UP BOB DYLAN WITH DYLAN THOMAS.

NO, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

DYLAN THOMAS WAS THE POET LAUREATE OF WALES.

BOB DYLAN STARRED IN GILLIGAN'S ISLAND.

NO, NO, NO, THAT'S BOB DENVER.

NO, BOB DENVER IS THE ONE WHO SINGS ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH.

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

[phone ringing]

WOW, LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN FROM GATE ONE.

UH!

I COULDN'T EVEN IMAGINE TALKING TO A WOMAN LIKE THAT.

WATCH THIS.

UM, EXCUSE ME.

UH, DO I KNOW YOU?

ARE YOU A MODEL?

WHAT'S A NICE GIRL LIKE YOU DOING IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?

WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?

DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT MOLE CHECKED?

WHAT?

NAH, I WAS JUST TRYIN' TO GET ALL THOSE HORRIBLE CLICHES

OUT OF THE WAY.

WELL, I'VE NEVER HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE MOLE.

OH, WELL, WORKS LIKE A CHARM IN EASTERN EUROPE.

AH! BRIAN'S INCREDIBLE, ISN'T HE?

I--I JUST HOPE THAT SOMEDAY I'M AS SUCCESSFUL WITH WOMEN AS HE IS.

OH, WELL, SURE. SHOOT AT ANYTHING THAT MOVES.

YOU'RE BOUND TO HIT SOMETHING.

UH-HUH. SO, UH, YOU GOING OUT WITH HER?

TONIGHT, DINNER ON ME, BUT NOT ITALIAN.

THE MEATBALLS TEND TO ROLL OFF MY CHEST.

WELL, IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR SOMETHING DEEP-FRIED,

I'M WORKING THE DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW AT AHAB'S FAST FISH.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A 2ND JOB.

OH, NO OFFENSE, BUT YOUR BROTHER DOESN'T PAY VERY WELL.

ARE THEY STILL HIRING?

HELEN. YEAH?

I CHANGED MY MIND.

I THINK, AS LONG AS WE'RE DATING,

WE SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY SECRETS, SO, HERE'S MY ADDRESS BOOK.

YOU GO AHEAD AND LOOK IN IT.

THAT'S OK, JOE. I DON'T NEED TO LOOK IN YOUR BOOK.

I WANT YOU TO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, GO AHEAD. OK.

THE SAME PAGE AS THE FLORIST YOU WERE LOOKING UP

IS A NAME YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE.

NANCY FERGUSON?

[chuckling] YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

WHAT THE HELL IS NANCY FERGUSON DOING IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK?

WELL, TO BE TOTALLY HONEST, LAST SPRING,

LONG BEFORE YOU AND I WERE EVEN THINKING ABOUT DATING,

WE HAD AN AFFAIR.

...LY INNOCUOUS DATE.

NANCY FERGUSON?

COME ON, HELEN,

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WANTED TO LOOK IN MY ADDRESS BOOK.

YOU MADE THIS BED, NOW YOU HAVE TO LIE IN IT.

I CAN'T. NANCY FERGUSON'S BEEN THERE.

AND WHAT IS THIS STAR BY HER NAME?

UH, I...

I WAS DOODLING.

BET YOU WERE.

COME ON, HELEN.

OK, JOE, YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL IN THE PAST.

GUESS IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SHERRY SCUDDER.

[chuckles] YEAH, SURE COULD HAVE BEEN.

[clearing throat] HELEN...

I LET YOU LOOK IN MY PHONE BOOK,

SO, UH, NOW YOU GOTTA SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE HIDING IN YOUR PURSE.

FAT CHANCE.

HEY, LOOK, HELEN, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

FAIR? WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF ROMANCE, TOOTS.

THEY'RE A FUN COUPLE, AREN'T THEY?

WELL, IT'S STILL BETTER TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP

THAN OUT THERE, TROLLING THE SINGLES' BARS.

IT'S TERRIFYING, HORRIBLE. IT'S LONELY OUT THERE.

(Lowell) UH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, ROY.

BEFORE I MET BUNNY,

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MANY EVENINGS I SPENT

SITTING AT THE KNIGHT AND CASTLE,

WONDERING WHERE ALL THE GREAT WOMEN WERE.

LOWELL, THE KNIGHT AND CASTLE IS A GAY HANGOUT.

IT IS?

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS THOSE PHONE MESSAGES FROM STEVE.

WELL, YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT. IT'S TOUGH OUT THERE.

OH, HACKETT, WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOU DON'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY TROUBLE FINDING WOMEN.

WELL, WOMEN, NO, BUT THE WOMAN. I MEAN, IT'S DIFFERENT.

I MEAN, I'M A REASONABLY INTELLIGENT GUY.

I HAD A SCHOLARSHIP TO PRINCETON,

SPENT SOME TIME AT NASA.

THERE'S EVEN A SMALL VILLAGE IN BELIZE WHERE I'M CONSIDERED A GOD.

BUT I--I JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO FIND

A--A SENSITIVE, ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT WOMAN, YOU KNOW?

(Melinda) HERE.

[cup clattering]

I--I--I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WELL, I THINK I'M A SENSITIVE,

ATTRACTIVE, INTELLIGENT WOMAN.

AND WITH QUITE A HIGH OPINION OF HERSELF, I MIGHT ADD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

I'M MELINDA. HI. BRIAN.

HI. HI.

I DON'T USUALLY DO THIS.

I MEAN, I'M NOT THE KIND OF WOMAN

WHO HANGS AROUND AT AIRPORTS.

YOU MEAN A TRAVELER?

HEY, HEY, YOU'RE LAUGHIN' NOW.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT

AND YOU'LL BE SNORTING EXPENSIVE WINE OUT YOUR NOSE.

HOW COULD A GIRL IN HER RIGHT MIND

TURN DOWN AN INVITATION LIKE THAT?

OOH, I LIKE HER.

ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 8 FROM HYANNIS.

THAT'S MY FLIGHT.

WHOA, W-WAIT A SECOND. YOU'RE NOT LEAVING, ARE YOU?

OH, NO. NO, I'M MEETING SOMEBODY.

OH. WELL, AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH,

I THOUGHT I WAS THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS.

HI, MOM. HI, KENNY.

MOM, KENNY. KENNY'S MOM.

[exclaiming]

[stammering] WELL, WOW! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU? YOU AND MY MOM ARE GOIN' OUT ON A DATE?

BOY, YOU DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH TO BE KENNY'S MOTHER.

OH, SHE IS, I SWEAR IT. THANK YOU, DEAR.

SO, UH, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PROBLEM WITH THIS, DO YOU, KENNY LAD?

OH, WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO. NO, NO. I THINK IT'S GREAT.

MOM, I GOTTA GO FILL OUT MY FLIGHT LOG.

SO I'M GONNA MEET YOU AT THE CAR, OK? OK.

SO, GREAT. I--I--I'LL PICK YOU UP AT 8:00, OK?

GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU THEN. OK.

I HOPE YOU LIKE CLOG DANCING.

I HOPE YOU'RE KIDDING.

[phone ringing]

[whooping] IMAGINE THAT, ME DATIN' YOUR MOM.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY MOTHER!

WHAT?

AND I--I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LIKE. I KNOW HOW YOU TREAT WOMEN.

WAIT A SECOND. WE-- WE'RE JUST GONNA GO OUT AND HAVE A NICE TIME.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG WITH THAT?

WELL, FOR ONE THING, YOU ALREADY HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.

I DO?

YOU KNOW, THE GIRL FROM THE TERMINAL THIS MORNING?

THE ONE YOU TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF MEAT?

COULD YOU BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC?

THE BLONDE.

OH, HER.

A MINOR GLITCH. I'LL BRUSH HER OFF LIKE CRUMBS ON A PLACE MAT.

OH, BRIAN, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

TONIGHT YOU'LL DUMP HER AND TOMORROW NIGHT, IT'LL BE MY MOM.

HEY, Y-YOU GOT ME ALL WRONG, KID.

I'M--I'M NOT THAT WAY AT ALL.

WELL, I AM. BUT I CAN TURN IT ON AND OFF.

COME ON, BRIAN. LOOK, MAKE ANY EXCUSE YOU HAVE TO, BUT GET OUT OF IT.

KENNY, YOU KNOW, I THINK IT'S VERY NICE

THE WAY YOU'RE LOOKIN' OUT FOR YOUR MOM AND ALL

BUT, H-HOW CAN I PUT THIS?

IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I'M WARNIN' YOU. IF YOU HURT HER,

YOU WILL RUE THE DAY THAT YOU EVER MESSED WITH KENNETH MARGARET McELVEY.

MARGARET?

DON'T LAUGH.

I WAS NAMED AFTER MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER.

SHE WAS AN INDIAN FIGHTER, SO YOU WATCH IT.

[chuckling]

NOT THE WORST-LOOKING MARGARET I EVER MET.

UH, FAY, COULD YOU COME OVER HERE FOR A MINUTE?

OH, SURE, ROY.

I WANT YOUR OPINION ABOUT SOMETHING.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT I'M--I'M GONNA BE NEEDING GLASSES

AND I--I BORROWED A PAIR OF THESE FRAMES

TO SEE IF I LIKED THEM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HEY, ROY, THAT'S A GREAT-LOOKING PAIR OF GLASSES.

[chuckling] REALLY? THANKS.

BOY, THOSE LENSES ARE SO CLEAR

YOU'D SWEAR THEY WEREN'T IN THERE AT ALL.

[screaming]

OH. GAG GLASSES. OH, YOU GOT ME, ROY.

WHAT'S NEW, KID?

BEETLE BAILEY JUST GOT IN TROUBLE WITH THE SARGE.

GEE, HOW DO THEY KEEP THAT STUFF FRESH?

LOOK, BRIAN,

I THINK I REALLY OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.

I--I HAD NO--NO RIGHT TO SPEAK TO YOU THE WAY I DID.

AW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOUR MOM'S A TERRIFIC LADY.

YOU JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HER GET HURT.

UH, WELL, SHE SURE DIDN'T.

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I THINK SHE HAS A LITTLE CRUSH ON YOU.

OH, REALLY? YEAH.

UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST HAD THIS FUNNY THOUGHT. WHAT?

WHAT IF, UH, YOU AND MY MOM KEEP ON HAVIN' SUCH A GREAT TIME TOGETHER?

THEN MAYBE, UH, SOMEDAY, YOU'D BE MY DAD.

HEY, THAT'D BE SOMETHING, HUH?

[both mumbling]

[exclaiming]

KILL ME, JOE.

I'M KIND OF BUSY, BRIAN. MAYBE LATER.

I WENT OUT ON A DATE WITH KENNY'S MOM

AND I--I PROMISED KENNY I WOULDN'T HURT HER, YOU KNOW.

AND NOW, THE WOMAN HAS A MASSIVE CRUSH ON ME.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

SHE'S A LOX, JOE.

WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE. W-WHAT WENT WRONG?

EARLIER TODAY, YOU SAID, YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A WINNER.

LOOK, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WENT WRONG. SHE CHANGED ON ME.

IT WAS LIKE LON CHANEY DURING A FULL MOON.

I MEAN, THE WOMAN

IS UNABLE TO SHUT UP.

SHE CANNOT STOP TALKING.

SHE'S A HUMAN TAPE LOOP. IF SHE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT HERSELF,

SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER CAT OR HER GARDENER,

OR HOW WONDERFUL HER EX-HUSBAND DENNIS IS

AND SHE CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY DENNIS RAN OUT ON HER.

I'LL--I'LL TELL YOU WHY HE RAN OUT ON HER, JOE.

DENNIS HAS 2 GOOD EARS.

[groaning]

WELL, KENNY WARNED ME TO STAY AWAY FROM HER.

IF ONLY I HAD HEEDED THE WISDOM OF THAT CHILD.

IF ONLY I HADN'T GONE OUT WITH HER. BUT, NO.

WELL, IF IFS AND BUTS WERE CANDY AND NUTS,

WE'D ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS.

YOU'RE ENJOYING YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU?

I HAVE SO FEW PLEASURES IN LIFE, ALLOW ME THIS.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I DON'T WANNA HURT THE KID,

BUT I'VE GOT TO DUMP HIS MOTHER LIKE A LOAD OF BAD ASPHALT.

BREAK IT OFF, DON'T LET IT GO ANY FURTHER.

CALL HIS MOTHER RIGHT NOW AND THEN EXPLAIN IT TO KENNY. HE'LL UNDERSTAND.

[stammering] YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT.

HONESTY IS THE WAY TO GO. ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

HERE, UH, TELL HER YOU'RE FROM THE CENTER FOR DISEASE CONTROL IN ATLANTA.

ASK HER IF SHE'S HAD ANY CONTACT AT ALL WITH A BRIAN HACKETT.

[phone ringing]

BRIAN. OK, OK, OK.

HEY, MELINDA.

HI, IT'S BRIAN-- IT'S-- YEAH-- IT'S--

[Melinda chattering on phone]

YEAH.

[people chattering]

[airplane engine whirring]

AHA!

AHA, HER DIARY.

[chuckling]

WHAT?

OH, NO.

OH, MY GOD!

JOE, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

WHAT AM I DOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHO THE HELL IS BOB

AND WHY DID YOUR LOINS BURN FOR HIM LAST NIGHT?

WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS?

EXCUSE ME. I THINK I LEFT MY--

HEY, THAT'S MY PURSE.

[stuttering]

IT'S NOT YOUR PURSE. IT'S HER PURSE.

IT IS NOT.

SHE'S RIGHT. THIS IS MINE.

YOU'RE READING MY DIARY.

NO. I'M NOT, I SWEAR.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR LOINS.

JOE HACKETT, I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.

I-- I'M SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME.

I AM JUST OBSESSED WITH WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE HIDING IN THERE.

JOE, I'M NOT HIDING ANYTHING IN HERE. I WAS JUST TEASING YOU.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE ME.

OK, SO LET'S JUST TAKE A LOOK, SHALL WE?

THERE, JOE. THERE IT ALL IS.

SEE, THERE'S ALL MY DEEP, DARK SECRETS.

[gasping] OH, WHAT'S THIS?

LIPSTICK.

I'M NEVER GONNA BE ABLE TO LOOK IN YOUR FACE AGAIN.

[screaming] WHAT'S THIS?

KEYS.

(Helen) OH, THE SHAME OF IT.

ARE YOU THROUGH?

I DON'T KNOW, JOE. HAVE YOU SEEN ENOUGH?

UH, OK, YOU WIN. I DON'T WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE.

I'M EMBARRASSED ENOUGH THAT IT BECAME SO IMPORTANT TO ME.

BUT NOW IT'S OVER.

GOOD, JOE.

HEY, HELEN, WHAT'S THAT?

OH, MY GOD. I FORGOT THAT WAS STILL IN THERE.

HEY, HEY, HELEN. WHAT IS-- WHAT IS THAT? NOTHING.

HELEN? NOTHING.

HELEN.

THEY ARE A FUN COUPLE, AREN'T THEY?

[phone ringing]

OH, KENNY, KENNY, KENNY. JUST THE MAN I'M LOOKING FOR.

UH...

THERE'S NO EASY WAY OF SAYING THIS.

SO, I GUESS, I'LL JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.

UH, JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH YOUR MOM.

OH, YEAH? YEAH.

AND I'M NOT GONNA BE SEEING HER ANYMORE.

WHAT?

YEAH, WE'VE DECIDED THAT IT JUST WOULDN'T WORK OUT.

"WE DECIDED?"

"WE DECIDED?"

NO, NO, NO, YOU MEAN YOU DECIDED. I KNEW YOU'D DO THIS.

OH, NO, KENNY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

NO, NO, NO, I UNDERSTAND. WELL, I UNDERSTAND JUST FINE.

YOU BROKE MY MOTHER'S HEART,

AND I HOPE YOU DIE.

WELL, I THINK THAT WENT PRETTY WELL.

THANK YOU, SIR.

[bell ringing]

AHOY, MATEY, WELCOME TO AHAB'S.

ARGH! MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER, PLEASE?

(Brian) HEY, KENNY. IT'S ME, BRIAN.

UH, I JUST CAME TO TALK TO YOU FOR--FOR A SECOND.

[crickets chirping]

MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

UH, KENNY, I'M REALLY NOT HUNGRY.

I JUST-- I JUST NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA ORDER, JUST DRIVE ON THROUGH.

OH, KENNY, COME ON.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

SPEAK INTO THE WHALE'S BLOWHOLE.

I DON'T WANT TO.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THIS WHALE'S BEEN.

YEAH. UH, A-ALL RIGHT, YEAH, I'LL ORDER.

UH, LET ME HAVE THE, UH, "THE FEEDING FRENZY."

DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT, SIR?

A DISH CALLED "FEEDING FRENZY" DOESN'T COME WITH FRIES?

NO. THAT'LL BE $4.75.

DRIVE FORWARD AND PICK UP YOUR ORDER.

[yelling] ONE FRENZY!

[mimicking Popeye] OH, MY GOSH.

KENNY.

KENNY, COME ON.

[stammering] WE GOTTA TALK ABOUT THIS NOW.

OK. NOW, LOOK,

WHEN I GO OUT WITH A WOMAN,

I ALWAYS HOPE IT'S GONNA WORK OUT.

OH, THAT IS SUCH A LIE.

ALL YOU CARE ABOUT, ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS TAKE THEM OUT,

HAVE YOUR WAY WITH THEM, THEN DUMP THEM.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS.

YOU KNOW, ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOURSELF

AND YOUR BASE ANIMAL NEEDS.

[bell ringing]

AHOY, MATEY, WELCOME TO AHAB'S.

ARGH! MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

(man) 3 AHAB BURGERS AND A LARGE MOBY SHAKE.

YOU DISGUST ME.

OK, MAKE THAT 2 BURGERS AND A MEDIUM SHAKE.

YOU KNOW, IF I WASN'T WORKIN' RIGHT NOW,

I'D TAKE YOU OUT BACK AND BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF YOU.

OH, REALLY? DO YOU WANNA HIT ME?

WILL THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

I-IF YOU WANNA HIT ME, KID,

GO, TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT. OH.

OK, I'LL EVEN MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU, COME ON.

[horn honking] HEY, WOULD YOU HOLD YOUR HORSES?

I'M TALKING HERE, OK?

COME ON, KID, COME ON, COME ON, HIT ME. GO AHEAD.

[grunting]

SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING, SIR.

YOUR ORDER WILL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

HEY, NO PROBLEM. TAKE YOUR TIME.

OW!

YOU DID IT. YOU ACTUALLY DID IT.

WELL, YOU SAID I COULD.

YEAH, BUT W-WHEN PEOPLE SAY, "GO AHEAD AND HIT ME,"

THEY DON'T ACTUALLY EXPECT THE OTHER PERSON TO DO IT.

OH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, FOR A LITTLE GUY, YOU GOT A PRETTY GOOD RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

WELL,

I HAD A ROLL OF QUARTERS IN MY HAND.

WHICH REMINDS ME, YOU--YOU STILL OWE ME $4.75.

YEP. YEP.

I DON'T KNOW. I'VE DONE MY BEST.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN DO.

THANK YOU.

[exhales] MAN.

I JUST-- I JUST WANT HER TO FIND SOMEONE AND BE HAPPY.

WELL, THAT WILL HAPPEN.

YEAH. YEAH, SURE.

SHE KEEPS GOIN' OUT WITH LOTS OF GUYS

BUT NONE OF THEM EVER SEEM TO COME BACK.

I MEAN, WHAT--WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? ISN'T SHE ANY FUN?

WELL, NO, KENNY, IT'S NOT THAT.

ISN'T SHE PRETTY ENOUGH? OH, YEAH, SHE'S PRETTY.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT THAT EITHER-- WELL, THEN WHAT IS IT?

I MEAN, IS IT-- IS IT 'CAUSE SHE'S NOT SMART ENOUGH?

I MEAN, NO--NO SENSE OF HUMOR?

BAD CLOTHES, BAD--BAD MANNERS, BAD POSTURE?

WHAT IS IT? IT'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING.

NO, NO, KENNY. IT'S NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

WELL, JUST COME ON, TELL ME. I CAN TAKE IT.

I MEAN, JUST WHAT IS IT? TELL ME! ALL RIGHT, JUST--

YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS? YES!

IT IS...

IT'S ME.

IT IS. IT IS ME.

IT'S ALL ME. I--I--I CAN'T COMMIT TO ANYTHING.

WHENEVER I MEET A GREAT WOMAN,

LIKE YOUR MOTHER,

I JUST RUN THE OTHER WAY.

AND UNFORTUNATELY, WHEN I'M RUNNING,

I...

I TRAMPLE ON PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

I'M SORRY.

LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE ADVICE, BRIAN.

GROW UP.

I'M TRYING.

AND WHO KNOWS? MAYBE SOMEDAY, WITH A LITTLE LUCK,

I'LL BE AS SENSIBLE AND MATURE AS YOU.

OH, WAIT A SECOND, BRIAN.

HERE'S ANOTHER MILK SHAKE. OH, NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

YES, I DO. COME ON.

I SPIT IN THE OTHER ONE.

[sighing]

APPRECIATE THAT.