Original subtitles

I NEED 2 SEATS ON YOUR 4:15 TO BOSTON, PLEASE.

OH, OF COURSE, MR. SMITH. IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

THE NAME'S BEEKMAN, NOT SMITH.

OH, NO, IT COULDN'T BE. I NEVER FORGET A FACE. YOU'RE JOHN SMITH.

FOR THE LAST 3 FRIDAYS YOU'VE BEEN FLYING TO BOSTON WITH YOUR LOVELY WIFE, JANE.

DO YOU KNOW HIS WIFE?

I AM HIS WIFE.

HONEY, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY CONFUSED.

WHY DON'T WE TRY THAT AIRLINE OVER THERE?

LIKE HELL.

LET ME GUESS.

JANE IS ABOUT 5'6", BLONDE FROM A BOTTLE

WITH A CHEST OUT TO HERE?

UH, MAYBE HERE.

YOU SAID IT WAS OVER. YOU SAID IT WAS ANCIENT HISTORY.

YOU HAD BETTER GET YOURSELF A GOOD LAWYER.

SO, A ONE TO BOSTON, THEN?

[seagulls cawing]

[siren blaring on T.V.]

HEY, JOE, YOU WANT THE LAST POTSTICKER?

ARE POTSTICKERS THOSE SLIMY, WHITE, PUFFY THINGS?

(Helen) UH-HUH. YEAH.

ISN'T THIS WONDERFUL?

THIS IS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGHT THAT WE'VE BEEN ALONE

SINCE WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT.

HOW'D YOU GET RID OF BRIAN? MMM,

I TOLD HIM IT'D BE A GOOD IDEA

IF HE WENT DOWNTOWN AND GOT SOME ICE CREAM.

HE PRETTY MUCH GOT THE HINT.

GOOD WORK.

[whistling]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU TOLD ME TO GO GET SOME ICE CREAM

AND I WENT AND GOT SOME ICE CREAM.

I MEAN, YOU WERE HINTING HARD ENOUGH, JOE, JEEZ!

OH, AND I PICKED UP THIS GREAT, GREAT FILM.

UH--UH, BRIAN--

THE VIDEO STORE WAS A TOTAL MADHOUSE.

I MEAN, ORDINARILY MATURE CIVILIZED PEOPLE

WRESTLING ON THE FLOOR OVER A COPY OF THE GOONIES.

BRIAN, WE WERE WATCHING THIS FILM. BRIAN, HEY...

YEAH, NO, NO, NO. THIS IS EVEN BETTER. THIS IS EVEN BETTER.

IT'S SAMURAI WITHOUT A NAME.

YEAH, IT'S CONSIDERED A CLASSIC OF THE JAPANESE CINEMA.

A FILM OF UNDERSTATED BEAUTY AND POWER.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT JAPANESE MOVIES?

I DON'T, I READ IT OFF THE BOX.

BRIAN, WE WERE-- OF COURSE, THE TRUE WAY TO ENJOY THIS

IS WITH THE SOUND OFF.

[laughing]

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW ROBE? I GOT IT ON SALE.

IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL.

HOW DARE YOU MAKE FUN OF MY CLOTHES? PREPARE TO DIE.

OW!

(Helen) HEY-- PUT THAT SABER DOWN!

BRIAN, WHY DON'T YOU, UM, GO GET US SOME BOWLS FOR THAT ICE CREAM?

OH, GOOD IDEA. OK, GREAT. YEAH.

AND WHILE I'M IN THERE,

I'LL LOOK FOR SOME CUPS, TOO.

THEY MAKE GREAT HORSE HOOF SOUNDS.

[Helen laughing]

YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

YOU EITHER GET YOUR BROTHER OUT OF HERE

OR I WILL KILL HIM AND BURY HIM

IN A SHALLOW GRAVE OUT BACK.

I THINK I SAW A SHOVEL OUT IN THE GARAGE.

SOMEONE HAS TO TELL HIM THAT WE'RE NOT THE 3 MUSKETEERS ANYMORE.

YOU AND I ARE DATING, NOW.

OK, ALL RIGHT. OK, OK.

WHEN HE COMES BACK, IN HERE WE'LL, UH, TELL HIM--

OH, "WE'LL"? NO, THERE'S NO "WE'LL" HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA TELL HIM. HE'S YOUR BROTHER.

AM I GONNA BE PUNISHED FOR THAT MY WHOLE LIFE?

ALL RIGHT, OK, OK, I'LL TELL HIM.

DID I MISS ANY DECAPITATIONS?

NO. LISTEN, BRIAN-- AH, HERE WE ARE, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART.

HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART.

I'M TIRED OF MAKING WAR. LET'S SING!

GOOD IDEA.

I BROUGHT MY SHEET MUSIC. IT'S IN THE KEY OF C. ON MY DOWNBEAT.

ME AND YOU AND A DOG NAMED BOO LIVIN' ON THE--

BRIAN, HELEN AND I WANT TO BE ALONE.

WHAT SAMURAI SAYS THAT?

NO, IT'S NOT THAT WE DON'T EVER WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.

IT'S JUST THAT, UH,

WE NEED SOME TIME TO OURSELVES. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.

UH, YEAH, YEAH, YOU DON'T WANT ME AROUND.

OH, COME ON, BRIAN, IF--IF THE TABLES WERE TURNED

WOULD YOU WANT ME HANGING AROUND?

OF COURSE NOT. BUT I'M A LOT MORE FUN THAN YOU ARE.

LOOK, IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW.

[whispering] THIS ISN'T MY IDEA. IT'S HELEN'S.

AND, UH,

WE NEED SOME TIME TO OURSELVES.

[whispering] I LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND.

BUT, I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

[whispering] HELEN IS IN A REALLY BAD MOOD TODAY.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT.

I BET YOU IF I ASKED HELEN

SHE'D SAY SHE WANTED ME TO STAY.

(Helen) NO, SHE WOULDN'T.

LOOK, BRIAN, YOU'RE GREAT WITH WOMEN.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUT AND FIND SOMEBODY NICE?

YEAH, YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THIS--THIS MAY BE JUST THE KICK IN THE PANTS I NEED

TO GET MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK.

OR IT COULD MEAN YEARS OF INTENSIVE THERAPY.

YEAH.

[door closing] HE PROBABLY HATES ME NOW, DOESN'T HE?

NO, NOT AT ALL. I PRETTY MUCH KEPT YOU OUT OF IT.

(Fay) ANNOUNCING THE DEPARTURE OF FLIGHT 27 TO PROVINCETOWN.

WE AT SANDPIPER AIR REQUEST YOU PLEASE REFRAIN

FROM TAKING FLASH PICTURES DURING TAKEOFF OR LANDING

AS THIS TEMPORARILY BLINDS OUR PILOT.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY, KENNY. BRIAN STILL HASN'T SHOWN UP.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER FLIGHT. OH, NO SWEAT, SIR.

I'LL, UH, JUST GET MY GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TO WRITE ME A PASS.

YEAH, I CAN JUST TELL HIM I'M GOING ON A FIELD TRIP.

THINK HE'LL BUY THAT? OH, YEAH, YEAH.

HE'LL SIGN JUST ABOUT ANYTHING I PUT IN FRONT OF HIM.

BY THE END OF THE DAY, HE'S PRETTY MUCH LOADED.

GOOD.

STILL NO SIGN OF BRIAN?

NO. I'M GETTING WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

HE DIDN'T EVEN COME HOME LAST NIGHT.

WE MUST HAVE REALLY HURT HIS FEELINGS.

OH, I'M SURE HE'LL BE OK.

YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF A FUNNY STORY ABOUT MY UNCLE EMMETT.

SEEMS ONE DAY HE DISAPPEARED.

NO ONE COULD FIND HIM.

THEN SOMEBODY HAD THE GOOD SENSE TO LOOK INTO HIS WELL.

SURE ENOUGH, THERE HE WAS.

[laughing]

HE WAS OK?

NOPE. DEADER THAN A DOORNAIL.

HE WAS WEDGED IN THERE PRETTY GOOD, TOO.

TOOK A TOW TRUCK WENCH TO YANK HIM OUT.

CAME OUT A FOOT TALLER THAN HE WENT IN.

LOWELL, THAT'S NOT A FUNNY STORY.

THAT IS A TRAGIC, HORRIBLE STORY.

BY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE.

MON FRERE!

BRIAN, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU.

AH, BEEN IN, UH, PARIS.

YEAH, RIGHT.

NO, REALLY. 'CAUSE AFTER YOU GUYS BOOTED ME OUT LAST NIGHT

I WENT DOWN TO THE TIN WHISTLE, MET THIS WOMAN.

SHE HAS LED AN INCREDIBLE LIFE,

CLIMBED THE NORTH FACE OF THE EIGER, OK.

KAYAKED DOWN THE GANGES.

SHE EVEN COMPETED IN THE IDITAROD DOGSLED RACE.

SHE WOULD'VE WON IF THAT DOG HADN'T FROZEN.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

OH, OK, SHE DEFINITELY WOULD'VE BEEN IN THE TOP 3.

ANYWAY,

WE GOT TO TALKING, RIGHT. NEXT THING I KNOW

I'M WINGING MY WAY TO PARIS ON THE FAMILY JET

TO HAVE LUNCH AT LA MAZERE.

FAMILY JET?

SHE MUST BE WELL-OFF.

YOU KNOW THAT EXPRESSION "STINKING RICH"?

WELL, "P" AND MIGHT I SAY "U".

YOU'RE MAKING THIS UP. HE'S MAKING THIS UP.

[people chattering]

HELLO, GORGEOUS.

COME HERE, YOU.

[moaning]

DID YOU USED TO PLAY THE TRUMPET? NEVER MIND.

GWEN HOLMES, THIS IS MY BROTHER, JOE

AND HELEN CHAPEL, HIS LITTLE CROUTON.

OH, IT IS REALLY GREAT TO MEET YOU.

I GUESS IT IS.

OH, BRIAN'S TOLD ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

I FEEL CLOSE TO YOU BOTH ALREADY.

AND HOLD ON TO YOUR BERETS.

HERE'S THE REALLY BIG NEWS. GWEN AND I HAVE DECIDED

TO GET MARRIED.

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED? NO, YOU'RE KIDDING. BRIAN.

OH, LISTEN, BRIAN.

I KNOW IT'S IMPETUOUS BUT I CANNOT HELP MYSELF.

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE LIKE THIS BEFORE.

BRIAN AND I BELIEVE IN FOLLOWING OUR IMPULSES

AND MY IMPULSE SAYS MARRY THIS BIG GALOOT.

[laughing]

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE MY FATHER ALWAYS SAYS,

"YOU GOTTA TAKE A BIG BITE OUT OF LIFE

AND JUST LET THE JUICES DRIP DOWN YOUR CHIN."

IS IT ANY WONDER I LOVE HER?

[moaning]

OH, HOLD IT. HOLD IT.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

I JUST GOT ANOTHER GUT FEELING.

OH, LISTEN UP, GUYS. HER GUT KNOWS WHAT IT'S TALKING ABOUT.

WE GET MARRIED ON YOUR PLANE. UH-HUH.

THEN, AFTER THE "I DO'S,"

WE SKYDIVE INTO OUR LIFE TOGETHER.

OH, I LOVE THAT. I--I LOVE THAT.

NOW, LET--LET'S-- LET'S MAKE ALL OUR PLANS THAT WAY.

NO PLANS.

WELL, THAT IS A PLAN. FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID.

BRIAN, CAN WE TALK TO YOU IN MY OFFICE FOR A SECOND?

SURE, SURE, SURE.

WHOA, CAREFUL BRIAN,

THIS IS THE PART WHERE THEY TELL YOU YOU'RE CRAZY

AND TRY AND TALK YOU OUT OF IT.

(Joe) OH, NO, WE WOULDN'T DO THAT.

OH, OF COURSE NOT. THEY'RE JUST GONNA CRITICIZE YOUR LOOKS

AND DISSECT YOUR PERSONALITY.

[both laughing]

WE WON'T BE LONG.

BRIAN, IF THIS IS BECAUSE WE KICKED YOU OUT LAST NIGHT

YOU'RE OVERREACTING. NO, NO.

BRIAN, YOU CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER.

HELEN, HELEN,

WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL.

I-IT'S-- I FEEL--

I FEEL WHOLE WITH GWEN.

LIKE THERE WAS THIS MISSING PART OF ME THAT I NEVER REALIZED.

WE FIT, YOU KNOW?

I GUESS WORDS CAN DESCRIBE IT.

[knocking at door]

UH, SINCE THIS DOES CONCERN ME,

SEEMS LIKE I OUGHT TO BE INVOLVED IN THE DISCUSSION.

COME ON IN, MON PETIT CHOU.

IS IT SAFE TO ASSUME THAT YOU'RE STILL AT THE,

"YOU HARDLY KNOW HER, WHY NOT TAKE YOUR TIME" PART?

MMM. LOOK, LOOK, GWEN,

I'M SURE YOU'RE REALLY A VERY NICE PERSON. IT'S JUST THAT--

THAT WE JUST MET AND GETTING MARRIED IS A BIG STEP.

WHY NOT WAIT, SEE IF YOU'RE COMPATIBLE FIRST?

AFTER ALL THE FOUNDATION FOR A LASTING RELATIONSHIP, IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD.

EXACTLY. AH, BULL.

[Brian exclaims]

SHE NAILS HIM WITH A HAYMAKER.

THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

GWEN, IT TAKES TIME TO BE COMFORTABLE IN A RELATIONSHIP.

COMFORTABLE? YOU WANT COMFORTABLE, YOU GET A BARCALOUNGER.

TAKE--TAKE HELEN AND ME, FOR EXAMPLE.

WE GOT A GREAT RELATIONSHIP. YEAH.

BUT IT'S TAKEN SOME TIME TO DEVELOP.

YEAH, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT.

WELL, HOW LONG HAVE YOU TWO KNOWN ONE ANOTHER?

20 YEARS.

TWEN--

Y-YOU'VE KNOWN ONE ANOTHER FOR 20 YEARS

AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T MADE A COMMITMENT?

I'M SORRY, BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

YEAH, A LOT MORE COMPLICATED.

WELL, A LITTLE MORE COMPLICATED.

IT'S ONLY COMPLICATED IF IT'S WRONG.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, LET'S GET DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU'RE NOT SURE ABOUT?

WELL, I--I GUESS IT'S THAT--

W-WAIT--WAIT A-- WAIT A MINUTE.

SOMEPLACE ALONG THE LINE, HERE,

WE SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN OFF THE SUBJECT AT HAND.

WHICH IS YOU AND BRIAN. RIGHT.

DO YOU LOVE HELEN?

WELL, LOVE IS A-- WELL, THE THING IS WHEN YOU HAVE DEEP FEELINGS...

HELEN, DO YOU LOVE JOE?

NOW, NOW, WHAT YOU'RE ASKING IS...

SEE, I'VE KNOWN JOE FOR A LONG TIME, AND JOE AND I REALIZE...

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT, UH,

YOU BOTH WERE SO UNSURE OF YOUR FEELINGS FOR ONE ANOTHER.

UNSURE OF OUR FEELINGS FOR ONE ANOTHER? WH--

I LOVE JOE.

AND I LOVE HELEN.

YEAH.

REALLY? OR ARE YOU JUST SAYING THAT 'CAUSE I SAID THAT? NO, NO, REALLY.

BUT YOU NEVER WANT TO GET MARRIED.

WE DIDN'T SAY THAT. NO.

WE DIDN'T SAY-- YOU'RE PUTTING WORDS IN OUR MOUTH

AND YOU'RE GETTING OFF THE SUBJECT.

OH, SO YOU DO WANT TO GET MARRIED? MARRIAGE IS...

THAT-- THE--THE TRADITION OF MARRIAGE...

HELEN? I FIRMLY BELIEVE THAT...

[both stammering]

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT, DAMN IT. THIS IS NOT ABOUT US. OH, SURE IT IS.

SEE, YOU DON'T WANT BRIAN TO GET MARRIED

BECAUSE IT CASTS DOUBT ON YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP.

JOE, IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH HELEN

THAT KEEPS YOU FROM PROPOSING?

OF COURSE NOT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

HELEN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

THEN, WHY ARE YOU BOTH SO AFRAID TO MAKE A COMMITMENT?

I'M NOT AFRAID. NEITHER AM I.

ALL RIGHT THEN DO IT.

BE SPONTANEOUS, PUT THE FIRE BACK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

JOE, YOU'VE KNOWN HER FOR 20 YEARS. YOU LOVE HER.

THERE IS NOTHING KEEPING YOU FROM PROPOSING.

DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HER, JOE? DO YOU? DO YOU?

YES! YES! YES! OK, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT! AND HELEN, DO YOU WANT TO MARRY JOE?

NOW, DON'T LET HIM DOWN. JUST, MATCH HIS FIRE WITH YOUR OWN.

YES, I WANT TO MARRY HIM.

THAT'S GREAT!

THEN WE MAKE IT A DOUBLE CEREMONY ON SUNDAY.

SUNDAY, HAH!

SATURDAY!

[Brian exclaiming]

HE'S A MANIAC!

[Brian grunting]

HEY, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR CHIN, BROTHER?

IT'S THE JUICES OF LIFE, BIG GUY.

HEY.

GETTING MARRIED SATURDAY.

I KNOW.

WHAT'S TODAY?

FRIDAY.

AFTERNOON.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

[sighing] WELL,

YOU KNOW, I--I GUESS...

I GUESS IT'S KIND OF-- YOU KNOW--

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED EITHER? NO!

OH, THANK GOD! THANK GOD! THANK GOD!

[laughing]

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO RELIEVED, JOE. OH, NO, HELEN.

IT'S JUST THAT, UH, I THINK THAT WE SHOULD GO AT OUR OWN SPEED.

TAKE IT NICE AND SLOW. RIGHT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE LET THAT WOMAN TALK US INTO THIS.

YEAH, WE'RE NOT GONNA GET BULLIED INTO GETTING MARRIED BY ANYONE.

UH, BUT I THINK WE SHOULD TELL BRIAN AND GWEN.

YOU TELL GWEN, I'LL TELL BRIAN.

NO, I'LL TELL BRIAN, YOU TELL GWEN.

I DON'T WANT TO.

I'M AFRAID OF HER.

SO AM I.

ALL RIGHT, THEN WE'LL TELL HER TOGETHER.

UH, BRIAN? YEAH?

HAVE YOU AND GWEN DECIDED WHERE YOU'RE GOING ON YOUR HONEYMOON?

OH, WELL, UH, EITHER A 24-DAY SURVIVAL TREK

ACROSS THE KALAHARI,

OR

DISNEY WORLD.

MY, FIRST HUSBAND GEORGE AND I HAD AN INTERESTING HONEYMOON.

WE WENT TO PARIS AND TO ATHENS.

THAT'S GREAT, FAY. THAT'S NICE.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY. WE WENT TO PARIS, ILLINOIS AND ATHENS, OHIO.

THAT WAS GEORGE'S IDEA OF A JOKE.

I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED HIS BROTHER.

WELL, KID, GOOD LUCK. [chuckles]

THESE ARE YOUR LAST FEW MINUTES OF FREEDOM.

THANKS A LOT, ROY, THANKS A LOT.

AND--AND I'M SORRY WE COULDN'T INVITE YOU TO THE WEDDING.

BUT WE RAN OUT OF SEATS ON THE PLANE--

I'LL JUST STAND OUT ON THE RUNWAY

AND SEE IF YOUR CHUTES OPEN.

(Joe) HEY, BRIAN.

WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM. THE MINISTER JUST CALLED, HE'S COME DOWN WITH THE FLU.

NO, NOW WHERE AM I GONNA FIND A MINISTER AT THE LAST MINUTE?

[clearing throat]

WELL, UH, I HAPPEN TO BE A MINISTER IN THE CHURCH OF UNIVERSAL HARMONY.

YOU'RE KIDDING. NO, NO.

I SENT IN THE $25, THEY SENT ME A CERTIFICATE.

IT'S A TAX DODGE.

NOW, NOW, ROY, REALLY, YOU--YOU CAN MARRY US?

OH, SURE, FOR A SMALL DONATION.

MY CHURCH NEEDS A NEW WATERBED.

AM I LATE FOR THE WEDDING?

LOWELL, BABY, YOU ARE RIGHT ON TIME!

GOOD, 'CAUSE I BROUGHT THE RICE.

UH, LOWELL, THE RICE ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE COOKED.

HOW DO YOU GET IT TO STICK?

HERE THEY COME.

HERE COMES THE BRIDE

ALL DRESSED IN--

[microphone emitting feedback]

THANKS, BRO.

NO PROBLEM.

I REALLY WISH YOU THE BEST, GWEN.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, I--I--I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF MY WEDDING DAY.

NEVER DID IT INVOLVE WALKING DOWN THE AISLE

WITH A PARACHUTE STRAPPED TO MY BACK.

WELL, HELEN, YOU'VE HAD A PARACHUTE

STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK YOUR WHOLE LIFE. NOW, SHUT UP.

WHAT? I'M SORRY.

UM, SOME PEOPLE CRY AT WEDDINGS. I GET BITCHY.

OK, WE'RE OVER THE DROP AREA NOW.

YEAH. SORRY.

WHAT ARE THESE FOR?

UH, GWEN DECIDED LAST NIGHT THAT WE'D INCORPORATE

SOME OF THE RITUALS FROM THE COALACHOCTI MARRIAGE CEREMONY.

(Gwen) THEY'RE A STONE AGE TRIBE I LIVED WITH

IN THE RAIN FORESTS OF BRAZIL.

THEY BELIEVE THAT WE ALL HAVE AN ANIMAL SPIRIT GUIDE

THAT LEADS US THROUGH LIFE.

H-HOY! AND I THOUGHT MY CHURCH WAS A CROCK.

WHERE ARE YOUR MASKS?

OH, THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM DON'T WEAR ANY. JUST THE WEDDING PARTY.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE FROG. I WANT TO BE THE TIGER.

JOE, YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE YOUR ANIMAL SPIRIT GUIDE.

THIS IS A FUNDAMENTAL PART OF US, THAT GOES BACK TO THE DAY WE WERE BORN.

RIGHT, GWEN?

NAH, YOU CAN CHANGE, IF YOU WANT.

DON'T I GET A MASK?

SURE, LOWELL.

HERE, THIS IS THE TOUCAN.

IT'S THE WISEST CREATURE IN THE JUNGLE.

HA, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

I'M THE WISEST.

YOU HAVE IT ON UPSIDE DOWN, DEAR.

OK, ROY, ANY TIME YOU'RE READY.

(Roy) UH-HUH. WE, UH,

[clearing throat] WE--WE ARE GATHERED HERE

TO WITNESS THE JOINING TOGETHER OF 2 SOULS,

BRIAN MICHAEL HACKETT

AND GWENDOLYN SUZANNE HOLMES.

UH, NOW, LET ME SEE HERE.

ACCORDING TO THE CUSTOMS IN THE COALACHOCTI CEREMONY

THE GUESTS SHOULD OFFER THEIR JOOJA FILLED WITH GOAT'S MILK

OR IF THEY'RE NOT FROM ROYAL LINEAGE

THEIR OX BLADDER FILLED WITH RIVER STONES.

OH, NO, I FEEL LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT.

I GOT THEM A WAFFLE IRON.

NOW, THE BRIDAL COUPLE SHOULD MAKE PUBLIC TO THE TRIBE

THEIR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER.

I NEVER FEEL MORE ALIVE THAN WHEN I'M WITH YOU.

I NEVER KNEW I WAS ALIVE UNTIL I MET YOU.

[whistling]

AND NOW THE BRIDAL COUPLE SHOULD TAKE A FEW MOMENTS

TO CONTEMPLATE THE JOINING OF THEIR SPIRITS

AND THE BEGINNING OF THEIR NEW LIFE TOGETHER.

OH, GOSH!

JOE, THAT COULD BE US.

ARE YOU SORRY IT'S NOT?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE.

ARE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

KIND OF.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE, YOU KNOW.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

JOE! WELL, I THINK WE SHOULD--

[stammering] NO, NO--

FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES, JUST DON'T THINK. LET'S JUST DO IT.

OH, JOE, IT IS KIND OF SCARY.

I KNOW, BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT EXCITING.

[laughing] OK. WHAT? WHAT?

YES. YES. YES?

REALLY? YES.

UH,

REVEREND BIGGINS,

WE WANT TO GET MARRIED TOO.

OH, LOOK, IF YOU DON'T WANNA PUT THE MASKS ON AGAIN,

JUST SAY SO.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY ROY?

WELL, THAT, UH, WATERBED COULD USE SOME SATIN SHEETS.

THIS IS SO ROMANTIC.

DOES THE INSIDE OF YOUR MASK SMELL?

AND NOW, WITH THE SPIRIT OF THE GREAT WAHDOOBA...

OH, TO HELL WITH THIS.

HELEN, DO YOU TAKE JOE TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?

I DO.

(Roy) JOE, DO YOU TAKE HELEN

TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?

I DO.

GWEN, DO YOU TAKE BRIAN TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?

GWEN, ARE YOU-- DO YOU TAKE--

UH, HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT. UH.

I'M GETTING THIS WEIRD FEELING IN MY GUT.

I'M GETTING A WEIRD FEELING IN MY GUT.

SO AM I.

DID YOU HAVE HELEN'S EGG SALAD FOR LUNCH?

SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE.

LOOK, IF I FOLLOWED MY INSTINCTS TO GET INTO THIS

THEN I'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO 'EM NOW.

BRIAN, WE PLEDGED TO LIVE OUR LIVES SPONTANEOUSLY.

WHAT IS THE MOST SPONTANEOUS THING

WE COULD DO AT A WEDDING?

(both) NOT GET MARRIED!

OH, I LOVE THIS WOMAN!

(Joe) WAIT, WAIT, BRIAN, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

NO, DON'T-- DON'T-- YOU CAN'T WALK OUT ON YOUR WEDDING.

THOSE STUPID SCHNOOKS, THEY JUST DON'T GET IT.

RACE YOU TO THE GROUND.

(Joe) DON'T-- NO!

(Helen) GET BACK HERE!

ANYWAY, BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME

BY THE COMMONWEALTH OF MASSACHUSETTS-- H-H-HOLD IT.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

HELEN? ME, EITHER.

NEVER MIND.

YOU KNOW, MY MASK IS STARTING TO SMELL.

NOT BAD, HUH?

HMM, WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A FULL DAY.

IT HAS, HASN'T IT?

JOE, WAS GWEN RIGHT ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP?

IS OUR RELATIONSHIP

(both) PREDICTABLE?

NO WAY. LOOK AT TONIGHT.

WE WERE GONNA ORDER CHINESE FOOD AND AT THE LAST MINUTE

PIZZA. [laughing]

IS THAT THE ACT OF A PREDICTABLE COUPLE?

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY I DOUBTED US.

[sighing] OH, BOY!

HMM, JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH GWEN.

SHE IS AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN.

SHE'S ALREADY ON HER WAY TO KATMANDU TO GO BUNGEE JUMPING.

YOU OK, BRIAN? OH, YEAH, YEAH, I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

HEY, WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE PARIS, HUH?

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO THE TIN WHISTLE. LEAVE YOU 2 GUYS ALONE--

OH, NO, YOU DON'T. COME ON.

SIT DOWN. THE LAST TIME YOU WENT OUT FOR A DRINK, WE ALMOST GOT MARRIED.

(Brian) NO, NO, NO, NO.

OK, COME ON, BRIAN, YOU CAN'T GO NOW, LOOK,

WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START SAMURAI THEATER.

OH, I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. I DON'T WANNA... HERE IT IS. LOOK.

I HAVE A SWORD.

I HAVE A SWORD

AND I'M GOING TO STAB YOU WITH IT!

OH, YEAH?

YEAH.

[laughing] HEY, WE'RE GOOD AT THIS.

YOU'RE MAKING A MOCKERY OF MY ART.

[door closing] NOW WATCH THE MASTER.

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM

OTHER SIDE!

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT

YOU, WITH THE PONYTAIL, YOU'RE NOT SINGING.

(Brian using multiple voices) THIS IS THE LAST TIME, I BOOK A DISCOUNT CRUISE.

AH, QUIT YOUR COMPLAINING. WE GOT THE LIDO DECK,

ARE THOSE STEAKS TENDER, YET?

ALMOST.

HEY, I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU.

OH, THIS OUGHT TO BE FUNNY.

WENT TO MY DENTIST THE OTHER DAY,

I SAID, "DOC, MY TEETH ARE YELLOW."

HE SAID, "SO WEAR A BROWN TIE."

WELL, HE'S NO HENNY YOUNGMAN.