Original subtitles

Hi, guys.

Well, haven't we been a busy little bee.

Karen, honey, is there something you'd like to tell Mommy?

This is a pregnancy empathy belly I got from my health teacher.

I have to wear it for a class project.

Oh, I've heard about those empathy pads.

It helps you to know what it's like to feel pregnant, right?

You know, weight gain, breast enlargement,

even presses against your bladder so you have to pee all the time.

Sounds like fun for the whole family

Yeah well, it is not fun. I mean, this thing weighs a ton.

No wonder Mom's so tired all the time.

I've only had it on for an hour and it's killing me.

Man, chicks are such wimps.

[STAMMERS] Uh, JT...

Honestly, JT, "chicks are wimps?"

I mean, that's probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say.

[SCOFFS] That's cause you're not around him that much.

Come on, Carol. Being pregnant is no big deal, all right.

Women just milk it for sympathy.

I think I'll just step way over here.

Listen, cave boy,

men wouldn't last 48 hours if they had to be pregnant.

[SCOFFS] Wanna bet?

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, I'll take a piece of that action.

All right, fine, fine. Name your stakes.

All right, let's see.

How about this? All right...

The loser has to kneel in front of the winner

and say, "I am the weaker sex.

"You are far superior.

I bow down before you and kiss your feet."

[KISSES IN AIR]

Fine, you're on.

I'll wear the pad this weekend. And so will Dad.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

What is this "Dad" stuff? You don't have to drag me into this?

What's the matter, Frank? Don't you think

a big, strong, man like you could handle being pregnant for one little weekend?

Well, I-- I could handle it.

CAROL: Then it's a bet? FRANK: Yeah...

Oh, no. Okay, it's a bet.

All right, it's on!

By this Sunday night, you guys will be kissing our feet.

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY] We'll see about that.

Yeah, I'll get two pads from school tomorrow.

Fine, fine, but make sure mine has big boobs.

If I'm gonna be a chick, I want to be stacked.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better"

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Wow. I sure hope there's a 58 inch baby in there.

CODY: Hey, Carol. Hey... CAROL: Hi.

Have you seen Brendan?

Oh, I think he's up in his room.

Oh, cool. Hey, I've got a mondo surprise for him.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

His favorite baseball player, Kenny Barton,

he's playing an exhibition game today in Milwaukee.

And I got two primo tickets.

Is it okay if I take him?

CAROL: Well, sure, that's really nice of you. CODY: Cool.

I just, you know, I wish that Brendan had a better role model

than Kenny Barton though.

Every time I see him on TV, he's spitting tobacco juice

or calling some female reporter, "babe."

Ah, don't worry about that, Carol.

You know, Brendan doesn't pay any attention to that stuff.

He just likes Kenny Barton because he's an awesome ballplayer.

-Hey, guys, check this out. -Hey.

"Kenny Barton Juicy Chew." Look what I can do.

[GARGLES SALIVA] CAROL: Oh...

[SPITS]

Now, I can spit just like the pros.

Gee, whatta gift.

Hey, dude. Check it out. I got two tickets to today's game.

-With Kenny Barton? -You betcha'.

Man, hustle it out to the van, maybe we can make batting practice.

BRENDAN: Awesome! CODY: Yeah.

-Brendan, get-- No, stop-- -[BRENDAN GARGLES SALIVA]

-Brendan-- Oh... -[BRENDAN SPITS]

Later, babe.

Uh, yeah, we'll work on the "babe" thing on the way to the game, you know.

Yeah, and the spitting, too.

The spitting, too. No loogies in the kitchen.

Yeah, you got it. Thank you, Carol.

Let's go, boys. Get your pregnant butts down here.

All right, ladies, it's my pleasure to present that all-singing, all-dancing,

all-pregnant entertainment duo, "Francine and Tootie Lambert."

[BOOM BOX PLAYING THE STRIPPER]

Well, all I can say is, I have never seen a bigger pair of boobs in my life.

Yeah, I've got quite a rack on me, don't I?

If I wasn't such a gentleman, I'd be all over myself.

All right, come on. Honey, I'm tellin' ya, I love being pregnant.

Come and check this out. I can watch TV and just set my beer nuts right there.

This guy kills me.

This is great.

My father and my brother enjoy dressing up like pregnant women.

As if I wasn't screwed up enough already.

Yeah. She thinks she's got problems?

These guys are my male role models.

Hey, Tootie, what do you say we just sit back and watch the ballgame all day, huh?

Sounds great, Francine.

-Not so fast, tubbies. -What?

I have a bunch of errands for the two of you to run.

Supermarket, hardware store, dry cleaners.

Hey, no problem.

Will have these done and be back before the game starts.

Let's go. Here we go.

All right. Just get me out of this whale suit and we'll be on our way.

FRANK: You got it. DANA: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Mom doesn't get to take off her "whale suit," so neither do you.

You don't expect us to go out in public like this?

Why not? I do.

Yeah, but you're a chick.

So are you for the next 48 hours.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[LAUGHS] Could one of you ladies get that?

I'll take care of it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well hello, cutie, what can I do for you?

[SCOUT SCREAMS] Mommy, Mommy! Scary man!

[PROTESTING LOUDLY] Well, well, no, no, no, no, it's --

I don't always look like a woman. It's just for the weekend.

WOMAN: Stay away from my kid, you pervert.

BOTH: Bye, girls.

[BOTH GROAN] Ugh!

Man, that was the coolest game ever.

Kenny Barton hit a home run and you actually caught it for me.

Yeah, I only wish I hadn't caught it with my head.

Okay, dude, this is it: the players' locker room.

Now just remember, little cuz, just because these guys are professional ballplayers,

you know, they're ordinary "Joes" like you and me.

Right on. [GASPS]

Dude, you're the shortstop--

Wow, way to turn that double play, huh!

Hey, man, you're the center fielder, all right--

Way to throw that guy out at home!

Cool! Ah, dude, you're the groundskeeper, all right--

Way to mow that grass, huh!

Hey.

I didn't see Kenny.

Oh, yeah, me neither.

Hey, dude, is Kenny Barton coming out?

No. He's got an interview in a few minutes,

then he's probably gonna slip out the back.

Oh.

Great. Now I can't get him to sign my ball.

Well, why not, dude? All we got to do is go inside the locker room.

Well, and how are we gonna do that?

There's a guard.

Dude, you just kick it right there in the chair, all right.

And I distract the guard, get him away from you,

and then you sneak into the locker room.

Yeah. That will totally work.

Cool!

[CHOKING] Help! Help! Dude, ugh!

Hey man, what's going on?

Dude, I'm being mugged!

-Where'd he go? -Whoa, man.

Really big, mean dude. Hairy. Ugly, wow. Went that way.

Yeah, yeah. [LAUGHS]

KENNY BARTON: Okay, yeah, sure. That sounds great.

Book me on Letterman, then call Leno up and see what he pays.

Right. Oh, and, Sid, listen, let's get cracking on that shoe deal, okay.

If those jerks want Kenny Barton to be their spokesman,

they can pay through the nose. Yeah. Ciao.

Kenny?

You're looking at him, kid.

Wow, you're my favorite player

and I was wondering if you could sign my baseball.

It's the one you hit a home run with.

Sure, kid.

You got fifty bucks?

-For what? -My autograph.

It costs fifty bucks for your autograph?

Hey, Kenny Barton's signature is worth a lot of money. I don't just give it away.

Well, I don't have any money,

but I do think you're the greatest baseball player in the whole world.

Yeah, so do I.

That's why I get fifty bucks for my autograph.

[PHONE RINGING]

Talk to me.

Hey, babe. How ya' doin'?

Nah, nah, no, I'm not busy.

Just some kid here trying to get a freebie...

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, well, what can I say,

it'd all part of being a star. Yeah.

[ THREE'S COMPANYTHEME SONG PLAYING ON TV]

♪ Door

♪ We've been waiting for you

♪ Hers and hers and his Three's company too ♪

Mom, I can't believe you're watching "Three's Company."

Why? I thought it was a good show.

That Chrissy, she really cracks me up.

[CAROL IMITATES "CHRISSY" CHORTLING]

Let me guess what this one is about.

The girls are wearing short-shorts

and there's some sort of wacky misunderstanding.

Oh, all right.

-[SWITCHES TV OFF] -FRANK: Come on. Uh...

-FRANK: Okay... There... -[BOTH GRUNTING]

Well, could somebody help us here? We're pregnant, you know.

Well, lookie here, Maw...

Looks like these big ol' pregnant men are plum tuckered out.

My, my.

[FRANK GRUNTING] CAROL: Okay. [LAUGHING]

Man, these pregnancy pads are torture machines.

My feet are swollen, my back hurts,

and I had to stop and pee every ten minutes.

Gee, girls, ready to throw in the towel, yet, huh?

No, no we're not, but I think you cheated, honey.

This thing has to weigh more-than a baby.

And look, my feet are starting to spread.

Well, rest up, cause I got some more errands for you to do.

I want you to-stop by the Home Center

and pick up the wallpaper for the baby's room.

And stop by the fruit stand on Route 32.

I need some watermelons for Brendan's class party.

Watermelons?

Those are heavy. Can't they just have raisins?

Nope, watermelons. Big ones.

So, we'll take these, uh, groceries into the kitchen,

and you girls let us know when you're ready to admit defeat...

or kiss them.

I got something for you to kiss.

Oh, they're so cranky.

They must be retaining water.

Come on, speed-bumps, we got a melon run to make.

Man, these double D's are back breakers.

I got to get a new bra with some support.

Don't touch them.

I can't believe I used to like these things.

CODY: Oh, man.

Well, Edgar, I tell you, with all due respect,

I beg to differ with you, you know.

It's tarragon vinegar not balsamic vinegar like everybody says,

if you want to make a good bordelaise, you know.

-Whoa, I didn't know that, man. -Yeah.

What's the secret to a good meringue?

Ah, dude. Cream of tartar, all the way.

-Solid, my brother. -Totally, man.

Hey, the "B" man's out. Hey "B" man what's happening?

I want you to meet a friend of mine, Edgar.

-Edgar, this is my little cousin, Brendan. -Hi, Brendan.

Hi, Edgar.

-Hey? -Come on, Cody, let's go.

-What's wrong with that? -Hey, what's up there, Droopy?

Where's the baseball, man? I want to check out the big man's signature.

I threw it in the trash.

You did? Why?

[EDGAR CLEARS THROAT]

Kenny said he wouldn't sign it unless I gave him fifty bucks.

[SCOFFS] What a dill weed!

Come on, Cody, let's go home now?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We are not going home.

Fifty bucks! Phew!

Dude, we are going in there and having a little chat

with Mr. Kenny "Butt-scratch" Barton.

Hey, uh, Edgar, dude, man.

I hate to impose on our newly formed friendship and everything, you know,

but, hey, me and my little cuz got to get in there and talk to Kenny Barton.

I'm not supposed to let people in, Cody.

Ah, I know that, Edgar.

But, uh, he hurt my little pal here, and I gotta go in there

and give him a little verbal thrashing, if you know what I mean.

In that case, my brother, go right in.

-I hate that punk. -Yeah.

HARMON: You really tagged the ball in the bottom of the ninth.

What were you thinking about when you went up to homeplate?

Well, Harmon, I'll tell you, I was just trying to stay focused,

you know, wait for my pitch. But most of all, I was thinking about my fans.

Yeah, what a crock of bat guano.

[SCOFFS]

Dude, you don't give a flying "Fig Newton" about your fans.

Uh, pal, we're... we're on the air.

Oh, good, then all those folks at home will know what a lying saccow chips you are.

Hey, who let this guy in here?

I did. You got a problem with that?

Uh, yeah, well, like I was saying--

Listen, jerkwater...

My little cuz, Brendan, came down here today

'cause he thought you were the coolest guy in the world.

Dude, you broke his little heart trying to charge him

fifty bucks for your stinking autograph.

Fifty bucks?

Hey, I don't run a charity.

My signature's worth big money. I'm a superstar.

Yeah, 'cause of little dudes like Brendan.

Man, you should be falling all over yourself

trying to sign baseballs for dudes like him.

Back to you, Kenny.

Look, baseball is business.

You want to send a message, call Western Union.

I'm out of here. I got a card show to get to.

Yeah. [CODY SCOFFS]

What a butt-face!

Well, there you have it. One man's opinion of Kenny Barton.

Now, back to you in the studio, Marv.

Well, that's it. Thanks, guys.

Whoa...

Listen, I'm real sorry about that. I hope we didn't mess up your broadcast.

Oh, no. Actually, I think you made it a little bit better.

CODY: Yeah? REPORTER: That Barton guy's a real dill weed, isn't he?

-Yeah. -What's your name, son?

Oh, dude, I'm Cody Lambert.

This is my little cuz, Brendan.

Well, Hi. I'm Harmon Killebrew. Nice to meet you guys.

-Wow, you're Harmon Killebrew? -Yeah.

-I've got your baseball card. -You do?

Dude, you hit more home runs than Mickey Mantle and Reggie Jackson--

And they gave that dude a candy bar. [SCOFFS]

-Go figure. -Yeah.

Hey, you know, we really didn't mean to hose your TV interview and everything, man.

Uh, you know that guy Kenny Barton, he really just cheesed me off.

Cody, don't apologize. I agree with you.

You do? Dude, ha, hey.

Did you hear that? My man Harmon agreed with me.

You know, in my day, ballplayers knew that

the fans were the most important people in baseball.

Especially kids like you.

But today, they seem to forget that the fans

are the ones that buy the tickets and sit in the seats.

They should remember that it's the fans that make baseball.

And if it weren't for the fans, we'd all be out of a job.

Yeah. Amen to that, "Your Baseballness."

Yeah. Hey, Brendan,

I'm not a Kenny Barton, but I am in the Hall of Fame.

I'll sign a baseball for you.

-Really? -Sure.

CODY: Wow!

There you go, sport.

Wow, this is the greatest day of my whole life.

Isn't that beautiful?

Monster move, bro'. Cool.

Hey, is ol' Pete still making those killer chili dogs down the hall?

Yeah, he sure is. Man, can I buy you one?

Sure, let's go for it.

Whoa, dude. Putting on the feed bag with old number three.

Is this a Hall of Fame day, or what?

-C'mon, Edgar. Let's go get a hot dog. -Okay.

Push. Just push me. God! Okay...

God! [GROANS]

These things weigh a ton.

[BOTH GROANING AND SIGHING]

Oh, I've lost the will to live.

-[FRANK SIGHING] -Me too, Dad.

I can't handle being pregnant.

-Think I wanna quit. -No, no, no, we can't quit.

They'll, they'll laugh at us.

They laugh at us now, Dad.

-Yeah. -Ahoy.

Thar she blows.

Aye, you're right, Captain. There's a fortune in blubber here.

Make all the jokes you want, Carol.

Just please get me out of this stupid whale suit.

JT, does that mean what I think it means?

Yes, Dana- It does.

J.T: I quit. You win, okay? [DANA SCREAMS]

[DANA CLAPS AND LAUGHS]

Okay, how about you, Shamu?

Ready to go belly up?

Anything. As long as I can get this bowling ball off my bladder.

Hey! Hey! Hey! No.

Oh, God!

I think my water broke.

I don't believe we have heard the magic words.

Okay, okay, fine.

We are the weaker --

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The agreement was, on your knees,

in front of us, then kiss our feet.

CAROL: Okay. FRANK: Come on.

[GROANING]

I am really looking forward to this.

Okay, boys, let's hear it.

[FRANK AND JT GROAN]

Come on.

"We are the weaker sex."

BOTH: We are the weaker sex.

"Women are superior to men."

BOTH: Women are superior to men.

"We bow down before you and kiss your feet."

BOTH: We bow down before you and kiss your feet.

Okay.

-[BOTH KISS IN AIR] -[CAROL GASPS]

[DANA SCOFFING] No, no.

Lips on leather.