Original subtitles

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, just doing a little dusting, honey.

Yeah, with a leaf blower?

Yeah, well, it beats the tower

over that sissy, feather duster.

[LAUGHING]

I'm all done.

[CAROL EXCLAIMS]

I'll, I'll fix this when I come back in.

Honey, I like your hair.

Did you do something different?

Yeah, that wind-blown look.

I like it.

[LAUGHING]

Well, what's going on?

Well, Dad says you're not supposed to work so hard

because you're pregnant so we're all pitching in.

Well, I really appreciate that,

and you're doing a very good job.

I would just like to say one thing

about the way that you're folding these towels.

See, I like to do it like this, one-third, one third.

Bend, bend, and fold.

See?

Let me show you again, okay?

Okay. Just watch me. Here we go.

One-third, one-third. Bend, bend and fold.

See? All the edges are smooth. Huh? Happy towels.

Mom, every time we do something around the house,

you say we're doing it wrong.

Oh, no, no. You're not doing it wrong.

It's just that I do it better.

Okay, let me show you once more, all right.

Just watch me. Here we go.

One-third, one-third. Bend, bend, and fold.

See?

Good towel.

Better towel.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ The dream got broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Woah-a, woah-a

♪ When the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say, "My Lord I think I found someone"

♪ You know it will be better

♪ 'Cause you're putting it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, guys. Guess what.

The greatest thing happened to me today.

Well, congratulations.

Did you finally outgrow that training bra?

Hey, JT. That's real funny

for a greaseball slacker with no future

and an inflatable girlfriend.

Oh, yeah?

Well, uh, you got big shoes.

Man, that was lame.

So, Dana, what's your good news?

Well, the head of the History Department

asked me to tutor some high school students. Ah!

This is going to look great on my resume.

It's just going to be me and one other college student

teaching a room full of kids.

Wow. Well, who's your partner?

I don't know,

but they only pick the cream of the crop.

Whoever it is must be brilliant.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Dana-burger.

[HONKING]

Hey, I'll bet you never guess

who your new teaching partner is.

Oh, God. That's impossible.

Okay, I'll give you a hint.

Now, he lives in your driveway.

He's wearing a cheese hat.

-He's carrying an air horn. -[HONKING]

-This isn't fair. -Dude, it's me.

Man, I thought the cheese hat was a dead giveaway. [CHUCKLES]

My little teaching partner.

Hey, Dana.

-[HONKING] -Whoa.

Well, hi... oh...

This is so great.

I just love the way you're all helping out.

See. It's not like you have to do everything yourself.

You know?

Right.

Uh, Karen, gee, you're doing just a wonderful job here.

But let me show you a better way, okay?

See, all the cups should be facing

in exactly the same direction.

See? One right after another,

all like they're little soldiers on parade.

You're scaring me, mom.

Honey, they're just coffee cups.

They're not the blue angels.

They don't have to fly in formation.

Well, Frank, you just can't put things away willy-nilly

like you're doing with the cans.

What's wrong with the cans?

Well, you can't see the labels

so you don't know if they're alphabetized

Oor in their correct food groups.

Also, they're not stacked

according to height, weight, and nutritional value.

That's it. I quit.

I'm not working for Carol, the Nazi Kitchen Master

anymore.

Fine. I'll do it myself. It'll just take a second.

See? Okay, here we go.

Soup, fruit, fruit.

Honey, stop. Carol, Carol, whoa, honey.

-What? -Stop. Can't keep doing this.

If you do, you're going to burn out,

and that's not good for the baby.

You mean, if Carol works too hard,

it could hurt the baby?

Well, don't worry. I'm not going to work too hard.

It's just that I just can't relax

unless everything is done perfect.

Well, I'm going to do something I can't possibly mess up...

I'm gonna make sure there's toilet paper

in all the bathrooms.

That's a good idea, honey.

Uh, Karen. Karen. Um...

Make sure that it rolls from the front

-and not from the back, okay? -Yeah.

And, Karen, fold the bottom corner

you know, into a little point

so it comes down to a little "V" at the bottom, okay?

You know what? I'll show you.

Dad, with all due respect,

you're married to a psycho.

Tell me about it.

Hey, Dana-burger.

Dude.

Whoa. Hey, you know something I just realized?

From behind, you look just like

my fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Neidermeyer.

Only you don't got blue hair. [LAUGHS]

and you don't have those arm flap jobbies hanging down.

Yeah? Yeah.

And your butt's not 40 feet wide.

Man, other than that, you're a dead ringer.

-You're 20 minutes late. -Oh, yeah.

I know, but wait till you hear the reason.

You're just going to want to give me a great big hug.

Okay, dig it. I signed up our class to appear

on the hit TV game show It's Academic.

They're going to be on TV two weeks from today. Hah!

Are you nuts?

You want to take a bunch of remedial students

and put them on TV against geniuses?

Hey, don't fight it. Just give me the hug.

Why would they even want these kids

on their show, anyway?

Dude, it's the classic docudrama.

The haves against the have-nots,

David against Goliath,

Rocky against Apollo Creed,

Rocky against Mr. T,

Rocky against that Big Russian dude.

Well, you know, by the fifth Rocky,

you'd figure he wouldn't be the underdog any more.

[BELL RINGING]

I hope this isn't going to take long.

I got Goof Troopcoming on at 5:00.

Okay, people. Take your seats.

We've got a lot to cover.

Oh, good. Another junior professor here

to help us dumb kids.

Uh, my name is Miss Foster.

-And this is Mr. Lambert. -Yeah.

But you guys can call me, Codeman.

If that's not a roblem with Miss Foster.

No problem.

Now, today, we will be discussing

the Civil War.

[CLEARS THROAT] This conflict was the result of a constitutional crisis

that pitted northern Industrial interests

against the agrarian society of southern gentility.

Boring!

Hey, all right, you guys, hold it down a little bit.

Give her a chance to warm up.

You know, she's kind of like an old VW.

Got to get those juices flowing. [CHUCKLES]

-Thank you, Mr. Codeman. -Hey.

Now, in a strictly academic sense,

the Civil War wasn't so much a military battle,

but a conflagration between the proponents

of states' rights

And the advocates of a strong central government authority.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Excuse me there, Professor Dana-burger.

Can I have a word with you over here

in my office, please?

Okay, now, in a strictly academic sense,

you are boring the snot out of everybody.

I mean, like, I love the Civil War,

and you're putting me into a coma.

Fine. You think you can do better?

Here. You try and get their attention.

Yeah, buddy.

Okay.

Okay, class.

Dismissed.

Until tomorrow afternoon.

Now, I want you guys to all meet at my house.

We're going to learn about the Civil War,

the Codeman way.

So prepare to have your minds blown.

And I hope you like the smell of gunpowder.

Cool.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

So, what do you say, Mrs. Neidermeyer?

You want to amble on down to the cafeteria?

Maybe we can grab some Tuna Noodle Casserole, huh?

Yeah. Whoa. Hey. You better watch out.

I think you are getting those arm flap jobbies.

[LAUGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[MARCHING DRUMS PLAYING]

[PATRIOTIC FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, was that blond chick your mom?

Wow.

-Whoa, hey, what's all this? -This is Cody's re-creation

of the Battle of Gettysburg.

It's his way of getting you ready

for It's Academic.

[PLAYING CALVALRY CHARGE]

Greetings, fellow time travelers.

And welcome to the battle gf Gettysburg.

Now, I'm going to be your host, Generalissimo Ulysses S. Grant.

This is cool. It's definitely better than history class.

Dude, this is history.

Look, history is not just a bunch of boring facts.

It's about, like, cool things

that happened to real people like us.

Man, that's bull. History isn't about guys like me.

It's about a bunch of old people.

Nah. That's where you're wrong, dude.

Like, most of the people that fought in the Civil War

were the same age as you guys.

-No way. -Sure, yeah, way.

Cody's right. In fact, thousands of the soldiers

who died in the civil war were under the age of 18.

-Really? -Hey.

Check out this book over here.

We got all kinds of interesting facts just like that

about spies, double agents,

dudes getting their arms amputated

with no anesthetic...

just a little shot of whiskey, maybe a bullet to bite on.

That sounds kind of cool. Let me see that book.

Yeah.

Hey, hey!

-Ladies first. -Yeah.

You guys don't got to fight about the book.

Man, I got tons of them for everybody.

You know what? Codeman, you're actually making History okay.

Yes. Do you think this is fun?

Wait till I fire off this authentic Civil War cannon.

[CHUCKLES]

Check this out.

Ready.

Aim...

Booyah!

[CRASHES]

Dude, where'd that cannonball come from?

Man, I thought I was shooting blanks.

[OPENING DOOR]

[WHISPERS] Frank.

Frank, wake up.

-Frank. -I'm sorry, mommy.

It's not my magazine.

Frank, I think I hear somebody downstairs.

Honey, go back to sleep. It's probably nothing.

No, Frank, what if it's a burglar,

and he's armed and dangerous

and all hopped up on drugs

waiting to shoot anything that moves?

Go check.

I checked the last time.

It was an armed burglar

hopped up on drugs, ready to shoot anything that moves.

It's your turn.

Frank, you're the man. Now, act like a man.

Do what I tell you to do.

All right.

Okay. Maybe he'll knock me out,

and then I can at least get some sleep.

Brendan.

Son, it's three o'clock in the morning.

I know. I couldn't sleep.

What's going on?

The towels weren't folded right

and the cans were all facing the wrong direction.

I didn't want you to worry.

Well, that's real nice.

But, pal, you didn't have to do it

in the middle of the night.

Yes, I do. You said if Carol works too hard,

it could hurt the baby.

You guys go back to bed.

I'm pretty sure I can get all this done

before I have to go to school.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Brendan, stop. Stop. Brendan, come here. Come here.

Tell you what, pal. I'll see you in the morning, okay?

Okay.

Oh, Brendan, I am so sorry.

I know I'm really picky about the way

I like things done around here, but I never meant for you

to be up in the middle of the night cleaning the house.

But you said everything has to be done right.

Yeah. Well, I think I went way too far.

I was being very compulsive.

What's compulsive?

Well, compulsive means, uh, nuts.

Oh, you mean like, "Bend, bend, fold"?

Look, I know I want everything neat and organized here.

But not if it's going to drive everybody crazy,

and certainly not, if you're going to lose sleep

worrying about whether the canned goods are straight.

So I don't have to keep working tonight?

No, no. As of right now,

you are officially off night shift.

Ooh.

I'm sorry. Did I hug you too tight?

No, no, no.

I just felt the baby kick.

That's the first time that ever happened.

Wow. Can I feel it?

Yeah, yeah. Put your hand right here.

-It kicked. I felt it. -Yeah. Yeah.

Does that mean the baby's okay?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Everything's really okay.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND TALKING]

All right, you've studied, you've practiced,

you've quizzed. How do you feel?

Like I'm going to ralph all over your shoes.

Man, you think you can hold it?

Yeah, I think if you spew, we lose points, you know.

Okay, we start in ten seconds!

All right. Don't you guys worry about nothing.

You're going to be fine. All right?

Just remember the stuff that you learned,

okay? And all the hard work you put in.

If you get stuck on an answer,

just say the year 1863, okay?

A lot of heavy stuff happened that year.

Three seconds, two, one.

[ IT'S ACADEMIC THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Good evening. I'm Edward Miller,

welcoming you To It's Academic.

Please welcome back our returning champions,

Hillside Country Day School.

And let's have a nice round of applause

for our challengers, Kennedy High School.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay. Let's play It's Academic.

The first question is,

what was the date of the battle of Fredericksburg?

-[BUZZER BUZZING] -Hillside.

December 13, 1862.

-[BELL DINGING] -Correct.

Next question.

Which two generals faced off

at the battle of Bull Run?

-[BUZZER BUZZING] -Hillside.

-Mcdowell and Beauregard. -Correct.

[BELL DINGING]

Man, those dudes got fast hands.

Talk about fists of fury.

What was the first African-American troop

from a free state to be called into Federal service?

-[BUZZING] -Kennedy.

Um, the 54th Massachusetts Volunteers.

-Correct! -[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yes! Yes!

All right. We are on the board.

What was the capital city

of the Confederate States of America?

-Kennedy. -Richmond, Virginia.

-Correct. -Smoking.

[APPLAUDS]

Okay, now that sound signals the end of regular play.

When we come back, we'll ask the bonus question

which will determine the winner.

Okay, we're in commercial.

All right! You guys are hot!

There is blood in the water.

I can smell it.

I love blood.

Dana's right.

A little grisly, but right.

I don't know. I'm still not sure we can win.

Not sure?

Did I hear you say not sure?

-Well, it's... -Well, nothing.

Are you going to let a bunch of mealy-mouthed

suburban sissies beat you? Huh?

-I don't think so. -Okay.

But nothing,

you've worked too hard for this.

Now, I want you to quit your whining,

suck it up,

and get out there and kick some preppie butt.

Yeah. Dana's right.

Got to love that Dana, huh? Puts on the game face.

Okay, we're back in three, two, one.

Welcome back To It's Academic.

Here's our final question

which will determine the winner.

This ironclad ship became known as the CSS Virginia.

What was its original name?

-[BUZZING] -Kennedy, what's the answer?

I don't know. I just hit that buzzer.

But we got to say something, you idiot.

-Ten seconds, Kennedy. -Think. Oh, think.

It's gonna be either the Monitor or the Merrimac.

Well, Virginia was a Federal State

and the Monitor was the Union, so it must be the Merrimac.

I think so too.

-All right. We say Merrimac. -We say Merrimac.

Merrimac? Is correct! That Kennedy!

All right! We talked the talk and we walked the walk.

[CHEERING]

I told you, these kids could do it, huh?

I think it's time for that hug now, huh?

Nah! Oh, what the heck.

Yeah. Come on.

Do we make a great team or what?

Sorry. Things got really backed up

with the beauty salon.

Thought I'd just, you know, defrost some ground meat,

whip up the sauce, I'll have dinner ready in no time at all.

Carol, honey. Carol.

I thought you weren't going to do this any more.

You're right.

Think I'll just order in a pizza.

Atta girl. I'm starving.

See, I do not need to be compulsive.

Hello, Gino. Hi. Carol Lambert here.

Buona sera.

Gino, I want three large pizzas, okay?

On the first one, I want a whole wheat crust,

I want low-fat mozzarella and a low-sodium sauce.

All right? And I want the olives sliced, not diced.

Okay? And I want the ham cubed, not chopped,

and the anchovies filleted, never minced... ugh!

No. On the second one,

I think you should get some paper and a pencil

because it's kind of complicated. I want...

Hey, Gino. Yeah, hey. It's Frank Lambert here.

Just give us three number sevens, okay?

Yeah. Thanks. Bye.

Good order, better order.