Original subtitles

WOMAN ON TV: One and two and three and four and one and two...

Okay, ladies, let's do that butt crunch thing again.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah! That's the one.

Hey, JT.

Dude, again with the butt crunch channel?

[LAUGHING]

Dude, you gotta get a life, man.

Okay, Gabrielle. Come on in.

As soon as Mark brings up your bags,

we'll set you up in the girls' room.

Thanks for letting me spend the weekend

while my parents are out of town, Mother Lambert.

Uh, you don't have to call me Mother Lambert.

I'm not actually your mother-in-law.

Not yet, but we both know it's just a matter of time until I'm Mrs. Mark Foster.

-Hey, Gaby. -Hi, Cody.

Is it me, or are you getting foxier by the minute, huh?

Well, I do have a special glow because I'm in love with a stud.

Oh, look how strong my man is.

Your love gives me strength, my sweet.

Okay, Hercules. Let's get these bags upstairs, huh?

Okay, mom.

After you, my turtledove.

Be still my heart.

Be still my lunch!

Woah, woah!

CAROL: I gotcha, I gotcha.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[KIDS SCREAMING]

♪ The dream wide broken

♪ Seemed like all was lost

♪ What would be the future?

♪ Could you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder

♪ Will there ever be A second time around?

♪ Woah woah When tears are over

♪ And the moment has come

♪ Say my lord I think I've found someone

♪ And no one would be better

♪ To putting it together

♪ For the second time around

♪ Step by step

♪ Day by day

♪ A fresh start over

♪ A different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall

♪ The stronger we stay

♪ And we'll make it better

♪ The second time around ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Dirty.

Dirty.

Close enough.

I want to show you my computer.

-Oh, hi, JT. -Hi, JT.

I have all your love letters filed under a special directory.

It's called "Hotlips."

Isn't he a devil?

[SARCASTICALLY] Oh, yeah. He's bad to the bone!

Mark.

-What is this? -What?

This swimsuit magazine.

Oh, Frank bought me

a subscription to "SportsWorld" to broaden my horizons.

How exactly does a girl like this broaden your horizons?

Yeah. Tell her, Mark.

Oh, this is just a bonus issue that they throw in with every subscription.

It's got five of the world's most beautiful girls modeling bikinis.

Mark, these magazines merely perpetuate the myth

that women are nothing but sexual objects.

Yeah. Especially page 56.

You might find this amusing, JT, but I find it degrading.

Mark, it would make me really happy

if you threw this magazine in the garbage where it belongs.

If it makes you that uncomfortable, of course, I'll throw it away.

Thank you.

Oh, I've got some software I've been dying to show you.

I'll be right back.

Well, well, well.

You know, I'm real sorry I had to witness that, Mark.

What are you talking about?

[MIMICKING GABRIELLE] It makes women sexual objects.

It would make me really happy if you threw it away.

[NORMAL VOICE] Give me a break.

It's just a magazine.

Mark, this isn't just about a magazine, all right?

It's about your manhood.

I mean, if you keep letting her tell you what to do,

before you know it, she'll be telling you how to dress,

what to eat and who to hang out with.

Not my Gaby. She's not controlling like that.

All chicks are controlling.

That's not true.

Hey, I'm not making this stuff up.

It's in the Bible!

Where?

The Garden of Eden?

Who do you think made Adam eat that apple?

It was that Eve chick.

He was doing just fine till Eve said,

[MIMICKING GABRIELLE] "It'd make me really happy

"if you'd eat this apple."

If Adam had been a man who said no,

we'd all still be in the Garden of Eden

playing nude volleyball with her.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, man!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

-Who is it? -Dana!

Come in!

Hi, Frank. I just want to return mom's scarf.

Go right ahead.

Frank, what are you doing?

I'm cutting out ads from these magazines

and putting them in my dirty laundry.

Pretty smart, huh?

I don't think we've gotten to the smart part yet.

I have been leaving hints all over the house

so your mother knows what to get me for my birthday.

"Attention, fishermen.

"Decco presents the Amazing Trout Tracker.

"Use modern Sonar technology to catch those wily fish."

It's a fish finder.

I really want this bad boy.

Uh, Frank, here's a crazy thought.

Instead of putting pathetic little ads in your dirty laundry,

why don't you try just telling Mom what you want.

You've never been married to your mother, have you?

You see, Carol doesn't think a gift is a gift

unless she surprises someone with it.

So, she's always getting me stuff I hate.

Like pants that aren't jeans,

or Italian shoes with the girly tassels on the front.

Well, Frank, I can't afford the "Trout Tracker,"

but maybe I can get you a nice bucket of bait.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Now, there's a gift a guy can use.

Frank, are you upstairs?

Uh, yeah, honey. Yeah, I'm up here!

Frank?

[SIGHS]

I know your birthday is not until next week

but one of your presents just came in the mail,

and well, I really, really, really want to give it to you.

And why is that?

You think I might want to use it this weekend?

Uh-huh.

Okay. Let me have it!

Well, go ahead. Open it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Surprise.

This is for me?

Yes, it's for you. Their men's. See?

Says right here.

"Men's low-rise, French-cut bikini briefs."

Low-rise, French-cut bikini briefs.

Carol, there's not a manly word in there.

Where does it say "Boxer" or "durable" or "roomy" ?

Come on, Frank. Give it a try.

Honey, these are made for French guys.

Little skinny people who ride around on bikes all day.

American men are bigger.

And we're stronger. We drive trucks.

These are almost un-American.

Well, I think they're very American.

Especially on a big, strong American guy like you.

They get me very patriotic.

Well, anything for my country.

[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, boy.

Hey, guys.

[THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH] Listen, I'd love to stay for dinner

but I got kind of a dental problem.

What's wrong?

Well, see one of my fillings fell out.

And I tried to super-glue it back in.

Not a good idea.

-Dad, why would he-- -Don't. Don't ask.

It's Cody.

Okay, everybody. Dinner's ready.

Oh, Good.

[SIGHS]

-Frank, Frank. -What, honey? What?

I want to ask you a question.

Are you, uh...

wearing them?

You mean those little red slingshot thingies?

No, I'm not.

Why not?

They're too tight.

They cut off circulation to my... legs.

Well, you just have to get used to them.

We'll try them out later tonight.

Yeah, well, I'm telling you, it's a little hard to get romantic

when you got a tourniquet around your groin.

Please pass the corn.

Corn.

We are passing the corn.

All right. Here's the milk.

The rest of the food is coming. Knock yourselves out.

Green beans, sweetie?

Uh, no, thank you, dear.

Oh, God. We're living with Ozzie and Harriet.

I made them myself. They're very good.

Well, I'm sure they are, but I don't like green beans.

Oh, try them. For me?

Gee, Mark.

Those green beans look good.

Like they're from the Garden of Eden.

Honey, you better hurry up and eat,

so you have time to change before we go to the movie.

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

Nothing.

You just look so much nicer in your blue sweater.

[PRETENDING TO COUGH] Henpecked!

I don't want to wear my blue sweater.

Oh, but it's my favorite.

Back off, woman.

What is going on, Mark?

I'll tell you what's going on.

I'm a man, and a man eats what he wants,

wears what he wants and reads what he wants.

And that includes page 56 of the swimsuit edition.

Well, I guess you never know about a man until you've lived with him.

Excuse me.

Well, looks like the honeymoon on Dweebland's over.

What's going on with Mark and Gabby?

Beats me.

Hey, pass the green beans. They look great.

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm proud of you, Mark.

You let her know who's boss. You're a real man.

I don't know, JT.

It felt good for a second, but now I feel bad.

Maybe I should go apologize.

Apologize? No.

Yeah, real men don't apologize.

At least that's what JT says.

[BURPING]

Now, that's a man.

I know Mark yelled at me, but, maybe I pushed him too hard.

I think I should go apologize.

I can't let you do that.

You would be giving Mark all of the power in the relationship.

You would be saying, yes to a male-dominated world.

You see, the problem with today's society is that...

we've given women way too much power.

It's time we took it back.

Starting with you.

We have given men way too much power.

And it's time we took it back.

Starting with you.

Me?

I'm just a girl who had a fight with her boyfriend.

No, you're not!

You are a symbol for all sisterhood!

That's right!

I mean, the battle of the sexes

has been going on since the beginning of time.

Men have always blamed us for their shortcomings.

Absolutely.

It's all right there in the Bible.

The Bible?

I don't remember reading about the battle of the sexes in the Bible.

Well, that's because men wrote the Bible!

And cut out all the parts that made them look bad!

-They did? -Oh, yeah!

The whole Garden of Eden story,

where Eve supposedly made Adam eat the apple?

Did not happen that way.

What they don't tell you is that an hour before Eve offered him the apple...

he was probably wandering around the garden whining,

[MIMICKING ADAM] "I'm hungry. Can't you make me a snack?

"There's never anything to eat around here."

Hmm?

So, out of frustration, she gives him the apple, and he chooses to eat it.

And boom!

For the next billion years, everything is our fault.

What church do you go to?

I did not learn about this in church.

I have a feminist study group.

We talk about these things.

I go too, but they won't let me bring a date.

I'm very confused.

[AMUSING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Frank. Come on out here.

I can't wait to see you in your birthday briefs.

FRANK: I hate these things.

They look stupid.

I bet you look very sexy.

Carol, men aren't supposed to look sexy.

That's a woman's job.

Men are just supposed to be hairy.

Come on. Let me see.

-You'll laugh. -I won't laugh!

-Yes, you will. -No!

I'll be too turned on to laugh.

Okay.

[LAUGHING]

You're laughing!

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you are. You're laughing!

Oh, great!

Oh, this is fine, honey.

You buy me a gift I don't want and you make me wear 'em and then you laugh at me.

Aw, good.

[LAUGHING]

Sorry, honey.

It's just that they're so small.

[LAUGHING]

No, no, no, no. The underwear!

[LAUGHING]

Have a wonderful time, honey. Laugh it up.

I'm sorry, honey.

You were right. They don't look good on you.

You're just not a French-cut bikini kind of guy.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Why can't you just get me a gift that I ask for?

Well, then, it wouldn't be a surprise.

Where's the fun in that?

Honey, it's my birthday!

I'm the one supposed to be having fun.

You can have fun on your own birthday.

Okay, Frank. All right.

From now on, no more surprises.

You just tell me what you want, and I will go get it for you.

I want the Amazing Trout Tracker by Decco.

It's got "Super Sonar". It finds fish and everything.

Okay, Frank.

If that's what you want, I'll get it for you.

Okay.

And one more thing too.

-Will you call 911? -Why?

I think I need the Jaws of Life to get out of this thing.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, buddy.

Hi, Cody.

Hey, little cuz.

Hey, what's the matter, man?

You're looking a little droopy in the drawers, huh?

I couldn't sleep last night.

Gabrielle and I had a little brouhaha.

Ouch.

Brouhaha. Yeah, I hear you, man.

Yeah, that Hungarian food is a killer.

[SIGHS]

Boy, that paprika can give you the scoots. One, two, three.

[LAUGHING]

Cody. Gabrielle and I had a fight.

Oh, man.

A fight and the scoots, huh?

Buddy, you did have a rough night.

At first, it felt like she was pushing me around.

But, now that I think about it, it wasn't that big of a deal.

-I shouldn't have yelled at her. -No.

Now the relationship is over.

Oh, Mark, man.

You know, just because you had one fight,

it doesn't mean that the relationship is over.

It just means that you guys got some stuff to work on, you know?

Look, if you're that upset about it,

just go upstairs and apologize to her?

Oh, I can't do that.

JT says that real men don't apologize.

I see.

I just have one small question for you, Mark.

Why would you take advice from a bonehead like JT?

He questioned my manhood.

Well, let me tell you something, Mark.

A real man does apologize.

Especially to a woman he loves.

Well, that's what I thought too.

But, JT said if I apologize, I'd be a wimp.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Mark, I just got one more small question to ask you.

Why would you take advice from a bonehead like JT?

-Cody, you already asked that. -I know.

I'm using repetitious dialogue to prove a point.

Okay?

[SIGHS]

Look at it this way, okay?

You're the one with the girlfriend that you date.

Now, what has JT got?

He's got the swimsuit edition.

He's got the butt crunch channel.

I mean, it's like, what in the world does he know about chicks?

You know?

You know something? You're right.

Gabrielle is the woman of my dreams.

And I'm not gonna let one fight mess that up.

That's right. That's what I wanna hear, buddy.

[SINGING] You just keep that stiff upper lip!

Huh?

Hello, Mark.

Hi, Gabrielle.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Young lovers at the crossroads.

Decision '95.

[LAUGHING]

I was really mean to you.

I'm sorry too.

I shouldn't have been so pushy.

I was a real pain in the B-U-T-T.

[CHUCKLES]

She spelled butt.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS HARDER]

That's so cute.

I don't care what you eat or what you wear or even what you read.

As long as we're together, that's all that really matters.

Baby, you're the greatest.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm such a sap for a happy ending.

[LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Attention, all fish.

Frank Lambert is now armed with the Amazing Trout Tracker by Decco.

You are surrounded.

Just throw yourself in the boat, nobody will be hurt.

How are they biting?

Oh, honey, this is the best birthday gift ever.

I'm telling you.

If there is the slightest hint of movement from anywhere down below,

this baby goes off like a smoke alarm.

[BEEPING]

Well, I'm so glad you like it.

-Yeah. -Hey.

I have another surprise for you.

Oh!

Did you get me the amazing duck radar?

No. But I really think you'll like this better.

You like it?

It's a French camisole.

Carol, I don't care what those French guys are wearing,

I'm not putting on a fru-fru undershirt.

It's not for you, Frank.

It's for me.

Wow.

Viva la France.

[LAUGHING]

[BEEPING]