Original subtitles

Frank, what's this all about?

You're going to find out soon enough.

When they won't even tell you what the meeting's about,

you know it's gotta be bad.

Yeah, I can feel it. We're gonna get hosed.

Just sit down, sit down, sit down.

Here you go. Gimme that.

C'mon, son, gimme that.

Hey, Einstein, gimme that.

Oh, you look fine, you look just fine. Okay.

Alright, now, everybody,

Carol and I have something very important to tell you.

Tell them, honey.

Well, I know that this is going to come as a bit of a surprise,

but I really think that you will all be thrilled.

[LAUGHS]

Frank and I are going to have a baby.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

MAN: ♪ A dream got broken

♪ It seemed like all was lost

♪ What will be the future

♪ Couldn't you pay the cost?

♪ You wonder, will there ever be,

♪ A second time around?

WOMAN: ♪ Whoa, oh, when the tears are over

♪ And the moment has come,

♪ Say "My lord I think I found someone"

♪ And no one would be better, to be puttin' it together

♪ For the second time around

ALL: ♪ Step by step, day by day

WOMAN: ♪ Day by day

ALL: ♪ A fresh start over, a different hand to play

♪ The deeper we fall, the stronger we stay

WOMAN: ♪ We'll make it better

MAN: ♪ Second time around ♪

Well, somebody say something.

You're having a baby? Yes.

Mom, we're already living three to a room.

Don't you think it's about time

to shut down the old assembly line?

Really, Mother. I mean, having a seventh child.

That's so third world.

I really wish you guys had asked us kids

before you went ahead and popped a bun in the oven.

Hey, excuse me,

but Carol and I do not need your permission to...

Bake.

Yeah, and I don't like your selfish attitudes.

I mean, a baby is no trouble at all.

For the first six months all it does is eat and sleep.

[SCOFFS] Just what we need, another Lambert.

Oh, like living with you guys is a little piece of heaven, huh?

All right, all right, all right.

Now just wait a minute here.

This baby is not going to be a Foster or a Lambert.

It's going to be a combination of the both of us.

Oh, great, a mutant.

You're the only mutant around here.

Shut up. BRENDAN: Make me.

Don't tell my brother to shut up.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[SHOUTS] All right, that's enough!

You know, I'm very disappointed.

I really thought that this would be a special family moment

that we would all treasure together,

full of warmth and tenderness, and caring, and sharing, and love.

I can see that's impossible.

So why don't you all get lost. You make me sick.

Talk about your mood swings.

Yeah, you think she's grouchy now,

wait 'til she's tubbing in at 175.

Well, I thought this went pretty well

for a family meeting, honey.

At least we didn't have to send anybody to the emergency room.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, boy.

Oh, Frank, this is terrible.

It's like a war zone around here.

I really feel nervous about bringing a baby

into such a hostile environment.

You know, I think we should see a family therapist.

Oh, honey, no.

Oh, gee, no. Not a shrink.

I don't want to sit with some stranger

and discuss my potty training.

Frank, I really want all of us to go into family therapy.

In fact, I'm using my "I insist."

You can't do that. Yes, I can.

We each get one "I insist" per year.

And you already used yours to buy that stupid yard weasel.

Well, there's got to be a better way

than seeing a therapist, honey.

Can't we just write "Dear Abby" or, or call "DialAPrayer?"

Forget it, Frank. I am invoking my "I insist."

In fact, I am going upstairs right now

to tell the kids we are all going into family therapy.

Oh, fine, I'll wait here and catch you

when they throw you back down.

Man, this stinks.

We have to go to therapy just because the geezers are having a baby.

I know, this kid's already a pain in the butt.

You know, some days the bluebird of happiness

just drops a load on your windshield.

I guess you're bummed about the baby, too, huh?

No, I love babies.

And I'm glad you two are in therapy.

You guys got a lot of problems.

Nah, I'm just bummed because I'm turning into a werewolf.

Cody, wait a minute,

did you say you were turning into a werewolf?

Yeah, buddy.

Talk about your bad hair day, huh?

Cody, why would you think you're turning into a werewolf?

Oh, simple.

Hey, I was on this overnight campout, okay,

and this little baby wolf cub accidentally bit me. [SCOFFS]

So?

So, it's a well documented scientific fact.

You get bit by a wolf, you turn into a werewolf.

Don't you people ever watch movies?

Cody, just 'cause it's in the movies doesn't mean it's real.

I mean, those guys are just actors

with a lot of makeup.

Yeah, right.

[SCOFFS] Next thing you're going to tell me

Free Willy was just some big fat guy in a whale suit.

Cody, trust me, there's no such things as werewolves.

Well, I hope you guys are right, man.

Because after all the nice things

you people have done for me,

man, I'd hate to have to drag the whole family out back

and feed on you for three or four days.

And we're the ones going to therapy.

Hi, I'm Dr. Russell. You must be the Fosters and the Lamberts.

Well, yes! Hi, there, I'm Carol and this is my husband, Frank.

How are you? I'm fine, I'm fine.

I mean, I'm really fine. This is all her idea.

I'm totally fine.

I'm glad you're fine, Frank. I am. I am.

Yes, and these are our kids,

JT, Dana, Karen, Brendan, Mark and Al.

As I mentioned on the phone, we're a blended family.

Move over, Beanhead, you're hogging the couch.

Don't call me Beanhead, Gasbag.

They-- They haven't really finished blending yet.

Well, it's hard to blend with JT.

He came to us from the AdoptAPet Program.

Go chase your tail, Barky.

Yeah, no one else will.

You know, maybe it would be a better use of our time

if I speak with, uh, each of you individually.

JT, why don't I start with you.

[SCOFFS] Okay, might as well get it over with.

I'm kind of nervous.

What happens in a therapist's office?

Oh, it's no big deal. You just go in there, sit on a couch,

and talk about yourself.

Hey, that sounds like fun. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, will all the rest of you talk about me, too?

Sure, dear.

So, why don't you tell me

how you feel about having a new baby coming into the house?

It ticks me off.

All my life I've had to share a room.

Now they're probably going to

give this little squirt a room of it's own.

I mean, what does a baby need its own room for?

You can poop in your pants anywhere.

Well, I've got nothing against the kid personally,

but I've got a friend who has a baby brother.

I was helping her change his diaper once.

The kid peed right in my face.

[LAUGHING]

What are you laughing at?

Well, I guess having a baby will be okay,

I just don't deal well with change.

I guess the only thing good about having a baby is,

maybe it will get my mother off my back.

See, she's having trouble accepting my budding sexuality.

Can we talk about that?

I don't like this at all.

See, right now, I can get away with murder

because I'm the youngest and the cutest.

But there's nothing cuter than a baby.

Dude, I'm getting shafted.

Look, I need my beauty sleep.

What if this baby cries the night before the prom?

I'll have to go with puffy eyes.

I mean, how's my date going to feel about that?

Taking me to the prom

is probably the most important night of his life.

If I show up with puffy eyes,

I don't think that's very fair to him,

do you?

I guess having a baby means

Mom and Frank are really married.

Up until now, I tried to think of Frank as

sort of a live-in handyman who wouldn't go away.

Kind of like that Eldin guy on Murphy Brown.

Well, at first, I thought

the idea of having a baby was kind of scary. [SCOFFS]

I mean, I'm no spring chicken.

Sure, I look great, but I'm a lot older than you think.

But then the more I thought about it,

I thought, "Hey, maybe we can actually train this one

"to do a little work around the house."

You know, be different than the rest of the kids. [CHUCKLES]

Do you have a beer to go with these?

I'm dry as toast.

I... I don't need a beer.

I mean, I'm not dependent on it, or anything.

Well, it's really very simple,

I just want to create an environment

for my baby that's perfect.

You know, a loving family, organically grown food,

gender-neutral toys,

and a preschool that will stimulate his mind,

and yet, indulge his childlike need for play.

See, I just want everything perfect. [LAUGHS]

Oh, do you mind if I, uh, straighten out your diplomas?

They're kind of tilted and it's just driving me crazy.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, I must say that, uh,

talking with everyone has been very educational.

So, when would you like us all to come back?

Oh, I don't think everybody needs to come back.

Uh, most of you are having a pretty normal reaction

to the prospect of a new baby in the house.

But there is one person I would like to see again.

But, you said it was normal

for me to have dreams like that about Heather Locklear.

It... It is, Mark.

Uh, the person I want to talk to, is your mother.

Me?

What's wrong with me?

Well, I just think it might be beneficial for us,

uh, to spend some more time together.

Say, twice a week.

Twice a week?

Boy, Carol, you must be a real wacko.

Hey, hey, hey, now if the doctor thinks that

Carol is sick enough to need twice a week,

then that's just the way it's gonna be.

Don't you worry, honey, we're gonna beat this thing.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Uncle Frank. Hey, Cody. What's up?

Well, I've been doing some research on werewolves

and I'm afraid it doesn't look too good for me, Uncle Frank.

Cody, do you really think you're turning into a werewolf?

Yeah. Well, it's kind of hard to

ignore compelling evidence like this.

All About Werewolves.

From the author of All About Vampires, All About Aliens.

Sounds like quite an authority.

Yeah, buddy.

According to this book,

I'm starting to display all kinds of wolf-like tendencies.

[CHUCKLES] Like what? You starting to run with a pack?

No, not yet, but my sense of smell is getting keener.

Like, for example, right now,

I could tell you're eating an apple.

Code, you can see I'm eating an apple.

And that's another thing.

My eyesight's getting keener, too.

That's not the only thing.

Check this out.

When I scratch my belly, my leg jiggles.

Huh? Huh?

Cody, you are not turning into a werewolf.

It's just the power of suggestion.

Yeah, well, I hope you're right,

but just to be on the safe side,

you better lock me in my van tonight.

There's gonna be a full moon.

[WHISTLES HAUNTINGLY]

You know, Cody, maybe you should be locked up.

[WOLF HOWLING]

[WOLF HOWLING]

Hmm.

Whoa.

[ROARS]

[ROARS]

Gnarly.

[ROARS]

Whoa.

I like it.

Dude. What a cool dream.

Hi, guys. Hi, honey.

Sorry, I'm late,

I just had the most incredible breakthrough in therapy today.

I was telling Dr. Russell how I wished I could

bring this baby into a more peaceful environment.

And then it dawned on me.

If we could just have one day,

one day, with nobody arguing,

maybe, just maybe, everybody would see how nice it could be.

So, he told me I should propose it to the family.

Propose what?

That for 24 hours, nobody argues.

You mean, we're not allowed to talk?

Well, uh, of course you can talk,

you just can't be mean or insult one another.

Then what's the point of talking?

Honey, maybe this is a little too difficult for the kids.

Why don't we start out with something simpler,

you know, like just cutting out all the bad words

and suggestions that people "stuff" things.

Frank, it's only 24 hours.

And this is really important to me.

All right, if this is going to help you with your mental problem,

then I'm all for it.

Frank, I do not have a mental problem.

I just have issues.

[SIGHS] Okay, why don't we all just sit down and have a nice,

pleasant dinner together, hmm?

Please, pass the corn, Barky.

Don't call me Barky, Greaseball.

I said, "please."

Hey, hey, hey, now remember, no arguing, none.

JT, there is no need to call Dana names like "Barky."

And Dana, there are better ways

to communicate your feelings than by trading insults.

Now, why don't you just say, "JT, when you call me a name,

"it hurts my feelings.

"I wish you wouldn't do that

"and I would appreciate an apology."

I would say that, Mom, but when I use big words

like "appreciate", JT's little peabrain explodes.

Oh, stuff it, Possum Breath.

JT...

She started it.

Yeah, she's always starting stuff.

Hey, butt out.

How would you like a fork up your nose?

Why don't you take a flying leap into Lake Ugly.

Oh, that's a real good one.

[ALL ARGUING]

Hey, hey, hey, no arguing, okay?

Forget it, Frank, just let them bicker.

It's all they know how to do.

I hope you all have a good time

tearing one another's throats out.

But I don't have to listen to it.

Oh, come on now, Carol, don't go.

No, no, Frank, really. I would rather be alone right now.

What? We were just talking.

All she asked for was 24 hours without arguing,

you guys couldn't give her 24 seconds.

I don't know what she's so mad about.

We're always bagging on each other.

Yeah, well maybe it's starting to get a little old, huh?

[SIGHS]

Carol, can I talk to you for a second?

Why?

Well, I... I know you're upset.

I just don't understand why you kids have to call

each other names all the time and insult one another.

Well, don't get upset. It's just the way we talk.

I mean, it doesn't mean we don't like each other.

Oh, right, and "Possum Breath" is a term of endearment?

Well, kind of.

Look, if I didn't like...

if I didn't like Dana, I'd just ignore her.

The fact that I spend so much time insulting her,

shows how much I care.

I mean, I lie awake thinking, "God, she got me so good today.

"How can I bust her chops tomorrow?"

If that's not brotherly love, I don't know what is.

Well, maybe that works for you, you're practically grown up.

But what about this baby?

I mean, is there any chance at all that you're going to be nice to him?

Well...

No.

I mean, I'd like to say yes, but I'd be lying.

We're going to razz the little kid,

we're going to play tricks on him,

we're going to steal his toys.

Generally just pick on him.

But let me tell you something.

When that kid goes into kindergarten and somebody calls him a name,

he'll just turn around and say, "Hey, stuff it, Bozo."

And then we'll know we've done our job.

Now, let me get this straight.

You mean, all this sniping at one another is some strange,

twisted, perverted sign of affection?

Now you're finally getting it!

And you guys really care about each other?

Exactly.

Well, sometimes we go overboard with the name-calling,

but, hey, nothing's perfect.

Hmm. "Nothing's perfect."

That's what my therapist said when I tried to alphabetize his books.

God, you do need to go twice a week.

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll try to, you know, stop being such a control freak,

and why don't you try to tone down the name-calling, huh?

Deal.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

You know, JT, you're okay.

You are too, Carol.

Thanks.

Oh, Carol, just one more thing.

Mmm-hmm. What's that?

Don't tell Dana I like her.

It could ruin our whole relationship.

JT: Hey, Barky, get your bony butt off my chair.

DANA: Park it somewhere else, Greaseball.

Hey, Cody.

Hey, Uncle Frank.

What's up?

Dude, I gotta apologize to you.

I've been acting like a real cheesebrain lately.

[HUFFS]

Imagine, I thought I was gonna turn into a werewolf. [LAUGHS]

Well, now, you know, you read enough books about turning into a werewolf,

and pretty soon, you think you are turning into a werewolf.

It's the power of suggestion.

It's like if somebody says to you,

you know, "You look like you're getting sick."

And pretty soon, you think, "Wow, I do have a kind of fever,

"and my head hurts,

"and my throat's a little scratchy,

"and, oh, my stomach is really upset."

Pretty soon, you've talked yourself into believing you've got the flu.

Ugh!

God, you know, I'd love to stay and talk with you, Uncle Frank,

but I'm not feeling too good.

I think I'm coming down with the flu.

Ugh!