Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Okay. How many dogs?

Let's see. Dana, Karen.

- I count two, dad. - 'Oh, yes.'

Another example of that scathing Lambert wit.

Uh, none for me, Frank. I couldn't keep it down.

I mean, my science fair partner is coming for the weekend

and I'm really anxious to meet him.

You've been working with this dork for three months

and you've never even met him?

Well, we've met, but only through my computer modem

and the occasional fax.

Okay, here's the potato salad.

Everybody dig in.

[whirring]

[all screaming]

[crash]

Uh, did I do that?

[theme song]

[all screaming]

♪ The dream wide broken ♪

♪ Seemed like all was lost ♪

♪ What would be the future? ♪

♪ Could you pay the cost? ♪

♪ You wonder ♪

♪ Will there ever be ♪

♪ A second time around? ♪

♪ Woah-a woah-a ♪

♪ When the tears are over ♪

♪ And the moment has come ♪

♪ Say My Lord I think I found someone ♪

♪ And no one would be better ♪

♪ To be puttin' it together ♪

♪ For the second time around ♪

♪ We got the woman and man ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ We got the kids in a clan ♪♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ If all these dreams fit under one umbrella ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ And we'll be better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Only time will tell ♪

♪ But you know what they say ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Maybe it would've been easier if we built a cyclotron.

No, no, no.

Any dummy can build a cyclotron.

If we wanna take first place

we've got to build a linear accelerator. Hmm?

Do you have any idea what they're talking about?

Not really, my junior high science project

was two cups and a string.

Oh.

Honey, you know what would be fun?

Yeah, but the kids are still up.

Yeah, well, yeah, that too.

But I was talkin' about an evening out.

Just the two of us at the most romantic restaurant in town.

I got it all planned.

Quiet little booth in the corner, champagne.

I'll even pay the strolling accordion player

not to come near us.

You say all the right things.

Okay, eight o'clock, Saturday night.

Ooh. Oh, I can't make it.

Well, what do you mean you can't make it?

Honey, they were booked solid.

I only got that table 'cause I promised Carmine

I'd re-pave his driveway.

And I don't wanna become a speed bump.

I'm sorry, Frank, it's just that Saturday night

is the backwards dance at Al's school.

You know, that's where the girls ask the boys and..

I thought if I was on the dance committee

it would be a good way for Al and me to get close.

Well, that's great, Carol.

Couldn't you get close to her next week

and get close to me Saturday night?

Mm. How close do you want to get?

[moaning]

Don't you two ever give your lips a rest?

Wait a minute. You two aren't gonna reproduce, are you?

Not if you keep coming through the door.

Come on, get your stuff together. We got a game to play.

Let's go. Go.

Oh, Al, guess what?

I'm on the committee for the backwards dance.

Great. Have a good time.

Uh, n-no, y-you're, you're going, aren't you?

Of course not.

You mean you just haven't asked anybody yet?

No, I mean I'm not going.

I know your problem.

You're afraid no one will say yes.

Don't worry, all you have to do is disguise yourself as a girl.

Dana, I could use you in the other room.

For what?

Right now, the only thing I can think of is a pinata.

Al, why aren't you goin' to the dance?

I-it sounds like it's gonna be fun.

I don't know. There's no one I wanna go with.

Well, what about Roger? I just thought you kinda liked him.

Dad, he's a pitcher. I'm a catcher.

It's strictly a business relationship.

You're not afraid of askin', are you?

Why would I be afraid?

Well, for one reason, uh, he could say no.

Dad, if he said no, I'd deck him.

Listen, Al. If you want somethin', you gotta ask for it.

I mean, look at me, I was afraid to ask Carol to marry me.

And then finally, I asked her and see what happened?

Yeah, you married her

and now, I've got two jerky stepsisters

and a stepbrother who's building a bomb in the basement.

[instrumental music]

So lemme get this straight.

Your mom and Frank

ran off to Jamaica, got married

and didn't tell anyone?

Pretty weird, huh?

I think your family's great.

Why, I crashed your picnic table, sat in your potato salad

and they just hosed me down and told me to pull up a chair.

That's true. Not many families would do that.

Well, certainly not mine.

Of course, they do hose me down occasionally.

Let's have the old Beaver cheer one more time.

[imitating beaver]

Alright!

Hey, you guys, aren't you supposed to be upstairs

workin' on your science fair project?

Oh, yeah. We almost forgot. We were too busy schmoozing.

[chuckles]

Oh! Oh! Oh, oh..

Excuse me.

What's "schmoozing?"

I don't know, I think it's one of those Chicago expressions.

Hey, uh, what were you and Roger talkin' about

when you called that conference out on the mound, huh?

Oh, I told him just to throw strikes

nothing fancy

and I asked him to the dance.

Alright! What'd he say?

He said he was trying to throw strikes.

- I mean, about the dance. - Oh, he said yes.

Thanks, coach.

Boy, I got this father stuff down.

Well, do you have any seats left in the balcony?

How 'bout standing room?

Nothing?

Okay. Thanks for trying.

Oh, man. I blew it.

- Problem? - Yes, Frank.

"Oh, man, I blew it" usually indicates problem.

I'm sorry, Frank. I didn't mean to be rude.

It's just that I'm having a bad life.

Well, maybe I can help. Heh! I'm hot today.

Well, I promised my music teacher I was gonna take her

to see the musical "Cats" for her birthday.

- But it's all sold out. - Maybe you should speak to J.T.

Frank, I mean no disrespect to your children

but J.T. is a pea-brained moron.

How could he possibly help?

Well, you see, his best friend's father is a ticket broker.

He can get seats to anything.

He once got me a ticket to Bucks-Bulls game.

I sat so close I could smell the sweat.

What a treat for you, Frank.

I'm tellin' you. If you need tickets, J.T.'s your man.

I can't believe I'm this desperate.

Thanks, Frank.

Two for two.

Frank. Frank.

- You wanna help me? - Oh, honey!

- Hurry up, hon, here. - Oh, one second, hon.

- Take my right hand. - Hang on.

Oh, wow! Animal crackers!

Ooh.

[grunting]

[sighs] Thanks, Frank.

Anytime, honey.

Well, good news.

- We're back on for Carmine's. - We are?

I thought you're on the committee for Al's dance.

Well, I got out of that.

Well, hey, this is workin' out great.

We're goin' to dinner and Al's goin' to the dance.

- She is going to the dance? - Yeah.

Then we're not going out for dinner.

I gotta get back on that dance committee.

Now, wait a minute, Carol.

I am the man in this family. I wear the pants in this house.

Don't have any say as to what we're doing on a Saturday night?

Shh. Frank, I'm on the phone.

It was just a question.

[instrumental music]

Al, you're gonna look so pretty at the dance.

Thanks, but I'm kinda nervous.

What am I supposed to do on a date?

Al, don't you think you should ask someone

who doesn't date men who are on parole?

[sighs] He was not on parole.

He escaped.

Thanks for picking' us up at the science fair.

Well, you're welcome.

[gasps] Oh, Al!

Oh, you look beautiful!

Wow, what a fox! Hubba-hubba.

Come on, Steve, we still gotta complete

the nuclear fission part of our project.

Right, and if anyone asks us where we've gone

we'll tell 'em we've gone "fission."

Well, I killed them at the science fair.

[telephone ringing] Ah!

Hello. Oh.

[chuckles] How you doin', Roger?

How's that old pitchin' arm, huh?

Well, yeah, yeah, she's right here. Hang on.

I-it's for you, honey. It's your date.

Hi, Roger.

No. Sure. I understand.

'No problem.'

Bye.

What was that all about, Al?

Oh, nothin'.

A girl Roger liked better asked him to the dance.

So he's goin' with her.

Looks like I won't be needing this.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Oh, Carol. I got our reservations back at Carmine's.

I figured since Al wasn't goin' to the dance

we could still go out to dinner.

Yeah, well, we have one big problem.

It's just that when I tried to quit the dance committee

Mrs. Driscoll made me feel so guilty I volunteered again.

Boy, is she good.

Alright, that does it. I'm not makin' any more reservations.

From now on, we just go and take our chances.

Frank, why are you worrying about dinner reservations

when you should be worrying about Al?

Honey, Al's alright.

She's already over this Roger thing.

How do you know?

Because I talked to her.

I said, "Al, how're you feelin'?"

She said, "Fine."

Gee, Frank, how'd you ever get her to open up like that?

[sighs] Frank, she is a 12-year-old girl

who has just had her heart broken.

I remember one time I had the biggest crush

on this guy, his name was Bobby Stone.

I finally get up the nerve to ask him to a movie

and he nearly laughs in my face.

I tell you, I was so mad

the more I thought about it, the angrier I got.

and finally, I just got so angry

I went over and toilet papered his house!

Oh, honey.

That must've taken you a long time to get over.

- Well, when did this happen? - Right before I met you.

Well, I think I'll go out back and talk to Al.

Yeah, do what you want. All men are scum.

Carol, I..

Oilin' the old catcher's mitt, huh?

Yeah.

Oh, Al..

...I know that Roger shot you down and you're hurtin'

real bad right now, but these things happen.

Unfortunately, it's, it's just a part of life.

It's never been a part of my life.

I know. But you're growing up now.

Believe me, we all go through it.

It happened to me.

I know it happened to Carol.

Listen, it happens to everybody.

You just gotta learn to roll with the punches.

You're just saying that to make me feel better.

No, I'm not. It happens to everybody.

Watch.

Karen.

Karen, what do you do when a boy breaks a date with you?

No boy has ever broken a date with me.

Wow! If that ever happened, I'd die.

Nice try, dad.

- Thanks a lot, Karen. - Glad I can help. He-he.

[instrumental music]

[gasps] You got them! You got my tickets to see "Cats!"

Well, let's have 'em, I have to meet

my music teacher and get to the show.

Not so fast. We had a deal.

Isn't there something you have for me?

Alright.

Here is Cindy Sherman's phone number.

But if you tell her where you got it

I will pull your tongue out so far

it'll look like you're wearing a neck tie.

And...here are your tickets.

Pleasure doing business with ya.

Oh, my music teacher is gonna be so excited.

She loves..

"The Wisconsin Cat Show?"

What is this, some of your Lambert hillbilly humor?

Hey, you said you wanted to see cats.

I wanted to see "Cats," the Broadway show!

They have a Broadway show with cats?

It's a musical.

Cats that sing?

That has got flop written all over it.

I'm gonna give you a 30-second head start

and then I'm gonna hunt you down like a dog.

I am chaperoning a junior high school dance

instead of having a romantic dinner with my wife.

Is my deodorant letting me down?

[Carol giggles]

- Mom, guess what? - What?

Steve and I won first prize!

Oh, I'm so proud of you!

- Oh! And you too! - Oh!

I'm gonna go upstairs and put this

next to my working model of the human intestine.

We better get to the dance. O-oh, Ste-Steve.

While we're gone, don't, uh..

[stammering] Well, I mean, uh, just don't.

I know exactly what you mean.

- Hi, Steve. - 'Oh, hi, Al!'

Listen, I heard about you and Roger.

You know, you shouldn't let it bother you.

Here we go again, I am sick about getting advised

about being dumped from people who've never been dumped.

Are you kidding?

Why, being dumped is my career.

If there was a being dumped hall of fame

I'd be elected on the first ballot.

Well, how do you handle it?

Well, magnificently, if I do say so myself.

But you see, the secret is being able to bounce back.

[bursts] Whoa!

Uh, well, the point is

when you fall off the bicycle of life

you gotta get back on and keep ringing your bell.

My dad told me something like that.

Hey, well, your dad's cool.

He's part of your entirely cool family.

And by the way, if you're ever looking to adopt

I'm sure my pop would entertain a low-ball offer.

But even if I wanted to go

who could I ask a half hour before the dance?

[clears throat]

You?

Well, let me check my schedule.

Now, let's see here.

Eight o'clock, nothing. Nine o'clock, nothing

Ten o'clock, nothing. Yep, I'm free.

Great, I'll change!

Let's see, a girl in Chicago

a girl in Port Washington.

Steve, you are one bad dude.

[upbeat music]

[Frank] 'Al!'

You decided to come.

You gave me good advice, dad. Steve helped me to see that.

Well, actually, Al just had the good sense

to listen to my good sense about your good sense.

Am I makin' any sense?

No, but it doesn't matter. Al, I'm proud of ya.

And you look so pretty, I hardly recognized you.

Uh, uh, I mean, it's just that I-I've never, uh

seen you in a dress before.

I-it's, it's, uh, good-good look on you. Ha-ha.

Now, come on, Al.

Let's get down, let's get funky.

Let's boogie till they call the cops.

Al? Is that you?

Hi, Roger. This is the guy.

Wow! You look really great without your catcher's mask.

Uh, look, my date's getting some punch.

You wanna dance?

Why, Roger, you're asking me to dance?

Well, yeah.

Then there's only one thing I can say.

Take a hike, moonface.

Wow! You were great!

Well, usually, when I say something like that

I end up crawling on the floor

looking for my glasses.

I'm glad you made me come to the dance tonight, Steve.

- I owe you one. - Hey, an easy debt to repay.

- May I have the dance? - You got it.

Hey, buddy, play a molto vivace

with a mezzo allegro and an up-tempo backbeat.

Play a fast one.

[upbeat music]

♪ Now if you want to do the Steve Urkel dance ♪

♪ All you have to do is hitch up your pants ♪

♪ Bend your knees and stick up your pelvis ♪

♪ I'm tellin you baby it's better than Elvis ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Do the Urkel dance ♪

♪ Now point your fingers up to the sky ♪

♪ And talk through your nose way up high ♪

♪ Spin and dip and jump and cavort ♪

♪ And finish it off with a laugh and snort ♪

♪ Heh-heh-heh heh-heh-heh-heh ♪

♪ Heh-heh heh-heh heh-heh heh ho.. ♪

Ah, this is nice.

We finally have a private moment together.

Private? It's hardly private.

We're in the middle of a bunch of kids.

That's what makes it so private. Nobody's looking at us.

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Do the Urkel dance ♪

♪ Do the Urkel ♪

♪ Ur-Ur-Ur-Ur-Ur-Ur-Ur-Urkel ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Do the Urkel dance ♪

♪ Do it ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Do the Urkel dance ♪♪

[crowd applauding]

[instrumental music]

[theme music]