Original subtitles

[woman] ♪ I got lots of problems ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Maybe I'm twisted ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ They say I'm insane ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ Go ahead Put me in your electric chair ♪

♪ I got lots of problems ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Maybe I'm twisted ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Hey, spare me your morals ♪

♪ Look, everyone dies ♪

♪ What pleases me ♪

♪ Is homicide ♪

♪ I got lots of problems ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Maybe I'm twisted ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Oink, oink ♪

♪ Oink, oink ♪

♪ I'm berserk ♪

♪ I like it fine ♪

♪ As long as I'm ♪

♪ Grabbing a headline ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ah, yeah ♪

♪ I got lots of problems ♪

[song fades]

[girls chattering]

-Good morning, Dawn. -Hi.

-Hey, I like that skirt. -Thanks.

My old lady's supposed to get me one for Christmas

-if she's not too dumb to find it. -Oh, Concetta, I know what you mean.

My parents better get me them cha-cha heels I asked for. That's all I can say.

Hey, hon, you got any Spray Net? My hair is fallin' right down, right off my head.

Sure, hon. You do your Geography homework?

Fuck no. Fuck homework. Who cares if we fail?

I wanna quit and I am, right after I get my Christmas presents.

-Duncan? -Here.

-Dunne? -Here.

Friar?

Miss Friar, are you hard of hearing?

Here.

Stand up, please.

What on earth are you wearing? This is not Halloween.

-It's just a skirt and sweater. -Button those buttons, young lady.

I bet your mother didn't see you dressed like that.

-It's hot in here. -That will be all.

This is a classroom, not a cocktail lounge, Miss Friar.

Now, take this dress code violation slip home and have it signed by your parents.

And take that gum out of your mouth! For the tenth time!

If I catch you with gum in your mouth one more time,

you will be in detention for a month.

Do you understand?

I understand, Mr. Weinberger.

-You're late, young ladies. -[Dawn, Concetta groan]

And I will now report you on this late slip. I had you marked absent.

[Concetta scoffs]

[mouthing words]

[chattering]

Now, class, before letting you go for the holiday season,

we're going to have a pop quiz.

[students groaning]

When called on, stand, answer the question.

If you are correct, it'll be duly recorded.

If you are wrong, a small red "F" will be placed next to your name in my roll book.

All right. Let's begin.

Jude Fine, true or false:

Baltimore was once capital of the United States.

[Jude] Uh, false?

[Weinberger] True, true. True, Miss Jude Fine.

You must have been talking on the phone instead of doing your homework last night.

It was the capital for two months during the Revolutionary War.

That's two red F's for you in just one week.

It looks like you'll be getting a deficiency.

What is it, Miss Holland?

Mr. Weinberger,

Dawn Davenport is eating a meatball sandwich right out in class,

and she's been passing notes.

I was not eating.

I got a knife here in my pocketbook and I'm gonna cut you up after class.

Stop this immediately.

Now they're threatening me, these awful, cheap girls.

My mother told me to report this kind of thing.

I'm trying to get an education!

All of you, stop it. Dawn Davenport, stand up.

I'm trying to get an education so I can get into a good college.

-It's not fair! -That will be all.

You were quite proper in reporting this incident, but that will be enough.

She was trying to copy my homework.

That's untrue, and you know it.

Dawn Davenport, you are a habitual liar, and I'm quite well aware of it.

You will go to detention for a month for this.

I won't go. I wasn't eating.

From your appearance, Miss Davenport, it looks like you never stopped eating!

[all laughing]

Get up here!

[laughing continues]

Now, write 50 times on this blackboard, "I will not eat in class."

"'Cause I'm fat enough already."

[students clamoring]

Now, start writing and don't stop until I tell you to.

I can tell you one thing, Miss Davenport.

You can count on a failing grade in Geography this term!

I'd like to set fire to this dump.

Just 'cause we're pretty, everybody's jealous.

It's like a prison here. Even at Christmas, it's like a prison.

Don't even mention Christmas, Chicklette.

My parents are gonna be real sorry if I don't get them cha-cha heels.

I asked, and I better get.

I never get enough Christmas presents. Everybody's so damn cheap.

I should be gettin' a lot, and I'm gonna take it all back and get the money for it.

You can do that, you know.

We'll probably get caught for hooky this period. But who cares?

Who cares if we fail? It'd be fun to be expelled.

I hope I get arrested.

I hate this school and all these ignorant teachers who don't know one thing.

I'm the one who should be teachin'.

I hate my parents too.

[man] ♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

Dawn, come see what Santa brought you!

Oh, Christ. I'm comin'.

Please, Howard, try to get through this without a fight.

I can't stand another one, not on Christmas.

I better get them cha-cha heels.

How very sweet of you, dear.

Merry Christmas, honeybunch.

Hey, wonder what this could be.

-A fishing rod? -[chuckles insincerely]

Won't you join us in a carol before we open our gifts?

Oh, Mother!

-Ah, come on, Dawn. It adds to the spirit. -Hmph.

[together] ♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

Ooh-hoo!

[shouting] What are these?

Those are your new shoes, Dawn.

Those aren't the right kind. I told you cha-cha heels. Black ones!

Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels.

Give me those presents. I'll never wear those ugly shoes.

I told you the kind I wanted. You ruined my Christmas!

Please, Dawn, not on Christmas!

-Get off me, you ugly witch. -[groans]

You devil! Come here! You'll pay for this!

You devil, Dawn Davenport! Look at your mother.

-Leave me alone! -You're such a devil!

Don't touch me! Lay off me!

I hate you! Fuck you!

Fuck you both, you awful people! You're not my parents!

I hate you, I hate this house, and I hate Christmas.

[Dawn, mother sobbing]

Not on Christmas. Not on Christmas.

[sobbing continues]

Get back in here, Dawn Davenport!

You're going to a home for girls! That's where we're gonna put you!

I'm calling the juvenile authority right now!

[upbeat pop music playing]

[chorus] ♪ Have a merry, merry, merry Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Have a hap-hap-hap-hap-happy holiday ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Get yourself into a glow Underneath the mistletoe ♪

[music fades]

[cackling]

Get in, sugar dumplin'.

[cackles]

Come on, honey! Hurry up! Come on!

[moaning]

Again.

[man] Yeah!

[Dawn screams]

[man yelling]

I'm comin'!

Here it comes! Ready? Ready?

[shouting]

[Dawn groaning]

[Dawn panting]

[Dawn] Oh, fuck me, baby! Fuck me, that's it!

-You like that, baby? -Oh, yeah! Yeah!

[both moaning, shouting]

[cackling] Yeah! Yeah!

[slurping]

-Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! -Mmm!

[moaning]

[phone ringing]

Aw, fuck.

[groans]

Hello?

Is Earl Peterson there? This is Dawn Davenport. Dawn Davenport.

You made love to me Christmas morning.

[gasps] Well, I just wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant and I want money.

You stole my wallet, you fat bitch!

So what if I did? I want money.

You'll never get any money from me, cow.

Just 'cause you got them big udders don't mean you're somethin' special.

Get the hook. Go fuck yourself for all I care.

Yeah! Go fuck yourself.

Hello? Hello?

[groans]

[panting]

[groaning]

[grunting, screaming]

Oh! Oh, my little Taffy.

My little baby! Taffy.

[crying]

Oh.

Oh, little Taffy.

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

♪ Mabel, Mabel, set the table ♪

♪ Don't forget the red hot peppers ♪

Taffy, please stop it. You're giving Mother a migraine.

I can jump rope if I feel like it. It's my house too.

You can jump rope in the bathroom.

You know it's not big enough in there.

Taffy, I have told you repeatedly, no jumping rope within ten feet of me.

Those same singsong rhymes over and over are enough to grate on my nerves.

[shouting] ♪ Mabel, Mabel, set the table ♪

Taffy, did you hear your mother? Do you want another whippin' with that car aerial?

It's right in that closet, don't forget.

Maybe I'll stop it, and maybe I won't.

Why can't I go to school?

Why can't I have friends?

You can't go to school because I said so.

I won't have you nagging me for lunch money and whining for help on your homework.

There is no need to know about the presidents, wars, numbers, or science.

Just listen to me and you'll learn.

And no little friends over here,

repeating rhymes, asking flippant questions,

and talking in those nagging baby voices.

Can't you just sit here and look out into the air? Isn't that enough?

Do you always have to badger me for attention?

-[shouting] ♪ Mabel, Mabel ♪ -Goddamn you, Taffy!

-Now you're gonna get it. -[screaming]

Where's that thing? Come here!

-[screaming continues] -What are you doing?

I'm gonna kill you!

Quick, Dawn, can you hide this thing somewhere?

-We got a new purse. -Sure, girls. Put it in the closet.

Nobody saw you bring that stuff in here, did they?

No. We got it right down the street. Nobody was home.

Oh, good. Sit down.

You're lucky they came in here, Miss Taffy!

We oughta get ten bucks each just for the TV.

Hi there, Taffy.

She's been a hideous little girl today. She was about to get a good whippin'.

She looks so cute.

Who are you, ugly?

-You know who they are. -I've never seen them before.

Oh, Taffy.

I just saw you yesterday, Taffy. Come sit here with your Aunt Chicklette.

-Oh, my God! This kid's bitin' me. Get her off! -This is the last straw!

-What's the matter with her? -Help me, Concetta.

[Taffy screaming]

She's getting' tied – tied to her bed for a week for this.

[screaming continues]

Oh, my God, listen to you!

You hideous little brat!

Oh, you're gonna get it good this time. You'll see.

[screaming continues]

She's gonna pay for it. Get her on that bed.

-Shut up, Taffy! -No!

-Come on! Shut up! -You're gettin' on our nerves.

I don't know what I was thinkin' about when I had her.

[Chicklette] I don't know why you take the shit from her that you do, Dawn.

I'll never have another one.

Horrible little kid, that goddamn little shit.

[Concetta] I don't know how you take it anyway, Dawn.

She bit my arm.

That child is becoming a monster. You can't imagine.

Whining and demanding attention

and shrieking those same stupid jump rope chants day and night.

Give me that jump rope. Where is it?

-I'll get that rope. -Oh, thanks, honey.

-Give me those scissors. -Here.

I've about had it with this jump rope.

It's the last time she's gonna jump with this goddamn thing. Oh, I hate it!

I'm glad I had an abortion.

Maybe she needs more punishment.

I've done everything a mother can do. I've locked her in her room.

I've beat her with the car aerial. Nothing changes her.

It's hard being a loving mother.

I give her free food, a bed, clean underpants.

What does she expect?

I can't be her little baby friend all the time.

Just get your hair done tomorrow and you'll feel better.

That's what I always do when I get depressed.

Maybe I will.

I'll tell ya, the Lipstick Beauty Salon is the best.

They only let, well, you know, special girls in.

You have to audition to even get your hair done.

And there's this guy that does hair there – Mm-mmm!

-I'd suck the socks off him in a minute. -Yeah, Gater's his name.

And you know what? He lives right next door.

[Dawn] Wonder what his story is. Maybe he's a chubby-chaser.

[moaning]

[man] Whoo-hoo, Aunt Ida! Aunt Ida!

-You really like it? -Yeah. All right, Aunt Ida.

Whoo, Aunt Ida! Aunt Ida, all right.

-Don't you look sweet. Mmm! -[moaning]

Yeah. Okay, Aunt Ida!

Yeah. All right, Aunt Ida.

-Don't you look hot today? -Why, thank ya, honey.

I feel more – [moans] more comfortable.

-Pour me a drink, would ya? -Sure, Aunt Ida. What would you like?

Sherry.

-Have you met any nice boys in the salon? -They're all pretty nice.

I mean any nice queer boys. Do you fool with any of 'em?

-Aunt Ida, you know I dig women. -Aw, don't tell me that.

Christ, let's not go through this again.

All those beauticians and you don't have any boy dates?

I don't want any boy dates.

Oh, honey, I'd be so happy if you'd turn nelly.

There ain't no way. I'm straight.

I mean, I like a lot of queers, but I don't dig their equipment. You know?

-I like women. -But you could change.

Queers are just better.

I'd be so proud if you was a fag and had a nice beautician boyfriend.

-I'd never have to worry. -There ain't nothin' to worry about.

I worry that you'll work in an office,

have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries.

The world of heterosexuals is a sick and boring life.

Sometimes I think you're fuckin' crazy.

I'm real happy just the way I am.

Aw, let me bleach your hair out. Let's go down to Wagon Wheel Bar.

I know there's some nice boys there for you.

You are fuckin' nuts, Aunt Ida. I gotta get to work.

Don't you worry about me. Sex ain't no problem.

-See you after my last wash-and-set. -Okay, honey.

Bye.

[sighs]

[wild giggling]

[giggling continues]

Oh, God, I love hairdressers.

More. [moaning]

[snoring]

[siren wailing]

[siren fades]

Good morning, staff,

and hello to all the lovely ladies of the Lipstick Beauty Salon.

-What a beautiful couple. -Thanks, Butter.

That's a gorgeous outfit, Mrs. Dasher.

-It must be an original. -It is.

-Bet it cost a fortune. -It did.

-Striking, aren't they? So chic. -No kidding.

Good morning, Mr. Dasher. You look breathtaking today, Mrs. Dasher.

Thank you, Vikki.

There's some applicants for appointments here. Would you like to view them?

-Anyone particularly appalling? -Well, yes, there is a Dawn Davenport.

She seems especially cheap. You may like her.

[shouting] At ease! Back to work!

[together] Yes, Mrs. Dasher.

All right, girls. Come on. Line up. Here's your big chance.

Here they are, Mr. Dasher.

Back over there so we can see you.

Oh, my God. Look at that one. She's just putrid.

You! Go on, get out!

-You heard her. Beat it! -Go on, doll. Get out.

Forgive me, Donald. I couldn't help it.

There has to be a line drawn somewhere.

You are quite right, Donna.

You see, we are a private salon catering to ravishing beauties only.

Even one average customer would be enough to plummet our reputation forever.

So we must pick and choose with great care.

Firstly, I'd like to know your occupations.

I'm a stripper.

-And I work for the telephone company. -Disqualified.

Oh, I'm sorry. May we suggest Mr. Ray's Wig World?

What's the matter with the telephone company?

I believe my husband is asking the questions.

Go on! Get out! Get out of my beauty salon!

Beat it, hon.

And you, Miss... ?

Davenport. Dawn Davenport.

I'm a thief and a shitkicker, and, uh, I'd like to be famous.

-I see. You're quite striking. -[chuckles]

We are always curious as to what drew you here to Les Lipstick.

Well, I heard all the strippers come here, and I got sick of my old salon.

And supposing we become sick of you?

Well, I had hoped that wouldn't happen.

Well, I think it is happening.

It's hard to explain, but when I look into your face,

I pick up a distinct feeling of nausea.

-Hey, wait a minute! -Disqualified.

Raising your voice to my wife! In this shop, her wish is my command.

May I suggest Mr. Ray's Wig World?

What is she, some kind of princess or something?

Princess Perfect.

Hey, get the fuck out! [gasps]

Oh, Mrs. Dasher, I'm so awfully sorry.

-The Better Business Bureau will hear from me! -Just get out!

Attention!

Staff, this is our new customer, Miss Dawn Davenport.

This is Dribbles, Wink,

-Gater... -Hello.

... and Butterfly. He's been here the longest.

I'd like to have Gater, if it would be all right.

Certainly. Gater, see to it that Miss Davenport is well taken care of.

Ooh. Ooh, Gater, I've heard so much about you.

Could somebody run and get me a double egg salad on white toast?

-Certainly, Dawn. -Ooh!

[no audible dialogue]

["Here Comes the Bride" playing]

[no audible dialogue]

["Wedding March" recessional playing]

[music fades]

[no audible dialogue]

[no audible dialogue]

[Dawn moaning]

Can't you put down those damn magazines?

I like these damn magazines.

-Better than me, I suppose? -No, just about the same in my book.

Oh, can't we do it normal?

This is normal.

-[Gater] Get me my tool kit. -Get it yourself.

You want the hammer today, Dawn?

Huh? Huh?

We can try the hacksaw. That'd be something different.

No. Not the hammer, Gater. Use the needle-nose pliers!

Oh, you asked for it, baby.

[moaning]

[toolbox crashes]

Oh, my God! Look at you two, caught right in the very act!

Isn't that a pretty sight?

[Dawn] Taffy, go to your room.

Hey, Taffy, baby, cool down. Come on over here with your daddy.

Don't you talk to her like that.

You are not my daddy, you disgusting hippie pig.

And I wouldn't get near a bed that had been defiled by the likes of you two.

I'd sooner jump in a river of snot.

Well, go jump then. Go kill yourself and do us all a favor.

Hey, Taffy, baby, come suck your daddy's dick.

I wouldn't suck your lousy dick

if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!

You pay some respect to your mother, Miss Taffy.

And if I catch you spying and nosing around here one more time,

I'm going to put you in the mental hospital.

She can't help it. She's retarded.

I am not retarded!

Oh, yes, you are, Taffy. I had you tested when you were a little girl.

A staff of doctors examined you.

And maybe the reason you don't remember is

that they told me you are most definitely retarded.

I never went to any hospital. That is a rotten, filthy lie.

I'm afraid it's the truth. I don't like it any better than you do.

To think that my genes were polluted by your birth is not a very pleasant thought.

Oh, how could I call you my mother? I wish I'd been an orphan!

You can tell she's retarded. Look at her face.

-She has the face of an old woman. -Oh, it's true.

Look in the mirror, Taffy. For 14, you don't look so good.

It's because you've been such a brat all your life

that now, all that brattishness is showing in your face,

the face of a retarded brat.

Yes, sirree, that's a real time warp of a face you got there.

What do you know about anything?

Some of the faces I've seen you with could stop a train.

-Give me ten dollars. -Awfully demanding, aren't you?

Give me ten dollars or I'm calling the police. It's as simple as that.

And don't think I'd hesitate to put you two slobs behind bars

for the rest of your lives.

What would you do with ten dollars?

Writin' a book, hippie?

Why don't you go listen to some folk music and give me a break?

-Taffy Davenport! Give her the money. -What?

You heard me. I said give her the ten dollars.

[cackling]

[both moaning]

You digging it, baby?

Oh, Gater, Gater, Gater!

Gater! [gagging]

Real funny, Gater!

[laughing] You should have seen your face.

I've had it with you. Why don't you just get out?

Go back to your fat aunt and leave me alone!

I got off on it. I really got off on it.

Oh, did you? Well, hip hip hooray for your cheap climax.

What about me, fuck face?

Some pitiful excuse for a husband you turned out to be.

Why don't you just go take your fucking tool kit

and go fuck a garage?

I'm gonna get my hair done.

I couldn't help it. If you could've seen the expression on your face.

I thought I'd piss myself when I seen that carrot in your mouth.

It's a weird joint, ain't it, Dawn?

You're cut off for two weeks for this.

And don't – just don't even speak to me at the salon either.

Just pretend we don't know one another.

[chattering]

That will be $104, please.

For a wash and set?

Well, I don't know what you're accustomed to in good grooming,

but this is the Lipstick Beauty Salon

and not some bargain-basement beauty school.

That's outrageous. I won't pay that for a wash and set.

Well, give us the hairdo back then.

What are you talking about?

Boys, she won't pay. Take the hairdo back.

What do you mean, she won't pay?

-Won't pay? Slut! Come here! -We'll just take that back.

-Just pay for the goddamn hair! -[Vikki] I ought to rip your face off!

Get out of my salon! Don't ever set foot in here again

or I'll put your little plastic surgery in reverse!

Now get out!

I'm sorry I made you wait, but we had some trouble up front there.

Sorry for the interruption, Sally. You're one of my prettiest customers.

Oh, shut up, Dribbles.

The things a woman has to go through to get some height.

How's your little girl? Why don't you bring her in more often?

Why, so you can undress her again with your eyes?

Christ's sake, she's only six years old.

I know. [giggles] But I just like to play with her.

I wish I was a little girl.

Well, throw a goddamn penny in a fountain and make a goddamn wish,

and maybe it'll come true.

So I told her, "You can keep your fuckin' ten dollars.

I can steal ten dollars faster than they can make it."

What's the big deal about money?

It's so easy to get, I can't imagine why anybody works.

It boggles my imagination.

Well, maybe everybody's not a common thief like you.

Butterfly, you tired thing, we are anything but common.

I love the smell of shampoo.

We are upper-echelon cat burglars,

and don't you forget it, Mr. Butterfly.

Of course, I think I like the smell of Clairol cream conditioner better.

You know, when it's on a freshly bleached head?

-I don't know. I like them both, but – -Shut up.

Don't pay 'em any mind, Wink. They wouldn't know beauty if they fell over it.

-Oh, hi, Dawn. -Good morning, Vikki.

I'd like my hair done quickly and quietly.

Why, sure, hon. You want Gater? Is he here today? You want him to do it?

No, I don't, Vikki. And if you must know, I'm thinking of a divorce.

So please don't ever mention his name to me again.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Dawn. Is he here today?

I'm really not aware of his schedule.

-Please! Really! [crying] -Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

I know what you're going through. I really do.

But they're all bastards. Cheer up. You don't need him.

It's all right. It's okay.

-Just get somebody to set my hair, please. -Sure, hon.

-[ringing] -Excuse me a minute, hon.

[Dawn] Sure.

Hello?

Why, yes, she's right here.

Why, certainly.

That was Mr. Dasher, Dawn. He wants to see you in private!

No one has ever been back there before. It must be something big.

-Oh, and I look a mess! -Well, get fixed up, hon.

-Oh, thanks a lot, Vikki. -Good luck.

-Hi, Sally. Hi, Concetta. Hey, Wink. -[all] Hi, Dawn.

Hi. I gotta go in. I can't talk to you now. I've gotta go see Mr. Dasher.

-See you later, hon. -Bye.

-[knocking] -[Donald] Come in.

-In here. -Ooh!

-Good to see you, Dawn. -Hello, Mr. Dasher.

A privilege to have you here.

-A sip of soda? -Oh, thank you.

Mmm. But I don't understand this honor.

You will in time, Miss Davenport.

-Have a seat, won't you? -Oh, thank you.

My wife and I, and please do call us Donald and Donna from now on,

are wondering if you wouldn't be interested in becoming involved in show business.

-Show business? -Well, sort of show business.

You see, Dawn, we're planning a little experiment.

A beauty experiment you could call it.

And we want you to be our model.

Sort of a glamorous guinea pig, you might say.

A beauty experiment?

You see, my husband and I enjoy taking pictures a great deal.

We'd like you to pose for some rather unusual shots.

Oh, you mean pornography.

Certainly not! Sex is not one of our interests.

As a matter of fact, one of the rules you must always obey

is to never mention the sex act in front of us.

We find the subject most repellent,

and we must ask you to observe this rule at all times.

You should know that we view sex as a violation of the spirit,

and we would certainly never allow ourselves to be caught

in one of those ludicrous positions.

Oh, of course, of course. I'm so sorry. I really didn't know.

-Are you still a thief, Dawn? -Yes, I am.

Not as much as I used to be, but I still rob houses.

-With those other two? -Yes, Chicklette and Concetta.

Would you allow us to take some photos of you committing various crimes?

Crimes that tickled our fancy?

I – I guess so.

You see, our experiment involves beauty and crime.

We feel them to be one.

We have a theory that crime enhances one's beauty.

The worse the crime gets, the more ravishing one becomes.

We want you to prove us right.

Say yes, Dawn. Aren't you sick of getting your hair done?

Don't you want the throbbing excitement of a modeling career?

We'll give you a new look, an interest in life,

and together we could overcome this boredom that imprisons us all.

Well, I'd love to have the two of you take my photos.

But I won't get arrested, will I?

The police department will not be involved.

And any special favors, well, don't hesitate to ask.

-Well, there is one thing. -Ask and you shall receive.

Fire my husband.

-Gater? -Yes. I want a divorce.

Vikki? This is Mr. Dasher.

Please fire Gater.

No reason. Yes.

Tell him no reason at all.

[Dawn chuckles]

Look who's coming out now.

Hey, fatso, I want to talk to you a second.

-Just speak to my attorney. -Hey! Did you get me fired?

Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.

Shut up!

[imitating engine]

[screams] Look out, look out, look out!

[screaming]

[groaning]

-[wailing] -[door closes]

How many times have I told you to play car accident outside?

Oh! Oh, Mother, it was a horrible accident! Look at my friend!

She was in the death seat and her head got caught in the windshield!

Oh, the ambulance should be here soon, I think.

I'm okay, I-I guess.

It wasn't my fault.

The other car came out of nowhere and I-I slammed on the brakes!

Look at this mess, Taffy!

Broken glass and ketchup all over my fine furniture!

Call another ambulance! Call anybody!

[wailing] Help me!

Where did you get this crap, Taffy?

I told you to spend that money I gave you on a cute outfit.

But oh, no, as soon as my back is turned,

you run right out and spend it on props for your morbid little games.

Well, I want it cleaned up pronto.

We're having guests for dinner, and I want you on tip-top behavior

and looking as P-R-E-T-T-Y as humanly possible.

Who's coming to dinner?

Donald and Donna Dasher are going to join us for a small, informal buffet.

And if you dare to embarrass me in front of them –

If I have to eat with Gater, I'll spit food!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to be the one to break the news to you, Taffy.

I've thrown Gater out and started divorce proceedings.

I don't want to seem overly bitter,

but I'd appreciate it if you would destroy all of his belongings.

Well, hallelujah.

I'd be happy to, Mother.

I'm going to go sink into a long, hot beauty bath now

and try to erase the stink of a five-year marriage.

Someone at such a tender age as you, Taffy, might find it difficult to understand

what a long, hard, painful decision this was on my part.

I'm a free woman now, and my life is just ready to begin.

Oh, Ernie, have another pretzel, for Christ's sake.

Wait till you meet my little Gater. You two are gonna fall right in love.

My dear, I hope so. Are you sure he's gay?

Well, I just use common sense.

I mean, if they're smart, they're queer.

And if they're stupid, they're straight.

Right, Ernie?

Are you sure you won't have another pretzel?

I'm sure, miss thing. I'm sure.

Pretzels give you plaque.

Hello, Aunt Ida.

Gater, what a coincidence.

There's somebody here dying to meet you.

Ernie, this is Gater. Gater, this is Ernie.

-Hi, stud. -Get him out of here.

Gater Nelson, you be polite to Ernie.

-He wants a date with you. -Well, I don't want a date with him.

I came to say good-bye, Aunt Ida. I'm moving to Detroit.

What?

I want to be near the auto industry. I'm sick of hairdressing.

And besides, Dawn had me fired.

I can get you a job in the bath, Mary.

-Look, fucker, take a walk, all right? -Well!

Look, you better beat it before I punch your fucking face out that window.

No gay knocks for me, Ida. At best, all you've got is trade.

Oh, Gater, Ernie's your type.

Move back in with me

and we'll get you a job as a female impersonator.

His hands are too big, darling.

Bye, Gater. It was – [kisses] fab meeting you.

Fuck you. You're worse than my wife.

-You can't leave. -Well, I am.

Oh, Gater. I'm sorry about Ernie.

I thought you'd be cute together.

Anybody's better than Dawn Slavenport.

It'll be all right, Aunt Ida. I'm just sick of everything here.

I'm going to Detroit and find happiness within the auto industry.

No, Gater, no! I'll die if you leave!

-No, no, Gater, no! Please don't go. -All right, Aunt Ida. Good-bye.

-No, no, Gater, no! -[door closes]

[shouting] No! No! No!

[shouting] Gater, no, no!

No, no! [screams]

-What? -Hi, brat. Is your mother home?

I have a little going-away present for her.

Hey –

Hey, Mother! There's a shit out here to see you!

What are you doing on my porch? I told you not to come mopin' around here anymore.

Dawn, don't have so many hard feelings.

I brought you a little present to remember me by.

Yeah? What is it?

Oh!

Oh, God, this neighborhood's hideous.

I'm scared rats are gonna come out and bite my new nylons.

True, it's not Beverly Hills, but crime breeds in these neighborhoods, Donna.

It's really an oh-so-perfect place for our crime model to live.

I rather like it.

I'm glad I didn't wear one of my designer originals.

The air's so sooty and damp,

our clothes will be ready for the Goodwill after this.

Stop being so prissy, Donna. Excitement is not always clean.

We must get used to this low life, for here lies beauty.

Crime and beauty.

Oh, here it is. How perfect.

-[knocking] -[Dawn] Hold on. I'll be right there.

Hi. Come on in.

Good evening, Dawn.

-Hello. -Hi.

Did you have any trouble finding the place?

Your directions were pinpoint perfect.

And your street, well, it's a street of charm.

-Oh, thank you. -Lovely.

And I bet you cleaned just for us.

Well, I did tidy up.

-Uh, what happened to your eye? -Oh, that. I am so embarrassed.

I fell getting on the bus and hit my eye on the fare box.

Well, I felt like a damn fool. Oh, come on in.

-May I take a photo of it? -Oh, certainly.

-[shutter clicks] -Nice!

I love having my picture taken.

Oh, I'm sorry. Sit down.

I'm so excited about you all coming here for dinner.

-Stunning arrangement. -Oh, thank you.

-You both look so nice. -Oh, thank you.

-[stomping] -[Dawn groans]

I'd like you to meet my daughter, Taffy. Taffy, this is Mr. and Mrs. Dasher.

They're going to put Mother into show business!

-Is the circus in town? -She's so funny.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go check on dinner.

Help yourself to the chips.

-What's that camera for? -To take pictures of your mother.

Her?

We happen to think she is quite beautiful.

You must be cockeyed then.

Hey, lady, have some chips?

[groans] Really, I couldn't.

Thanks, but, uh, no, thanks.

[imitating Donna] Nah-nah-nah nah-nah.

Do you want your spaghetti with or without cheese?

I'll have two chicken breasts, please.

[chuckles] Well, uh, we're not having that. We're having spaghetti.

Oh, I couldn't possibly eat spaghetti.

Do I look Italian?

We rarely eat any form of noodle, Dawn.

But I'll take a tiny portion to be polite. With cheese, please.

I'll have an extremely large glass of ice water.

I want mine with lots of cheese.

I'm afraid there's not enough for you, Taffy. How about some toast?

What do you mean, there's not enough?

You can feed these two ham-bones and you can't feed your own daughter?

I told you things were gonna start changing around here.

Taffy, don't make me lose my temper in front of company.

Oh! [chuckles]

Now, there's not enough food for you to eat.

Perhaps if Mr. Dasher leaves some on his plate, you may have first picks.

But I cannot be running out to the supermarket every minute just for you.

-If I can't have any, nobody can! -You come out of that kitchen!

-Give it to me! They can't have it and I want it! -Put that food down, you little brat!

They can't have it and I want it!

You horrible little brat! You lay off that food! I'm paying for that food!

[Taffy screaming]

[Dawn] Oh, my God!

[all gasping]

Oh, my God, I'm going to kill you!

Let me see! Face forward.

[Donna screams]

This is so exciting!

Just think of all the little horror stories that go on in other peoples' lives.

Your dinner party has been a smashing success.

Oh, I'm so sorry you had to be a witness to this.

I didn't want to tell you, but my daughter's retarded.

A child psychologist told me to beat her unmercifully whenever she acted up.

But it's never gone this far before. I hope she's not dead!

Oh, these photographs will be stunning.

How about a few more quickie shots, if you don't mind?

-Oh, anything for you, Donald. -Oh, okay, uh... look rough!

Look happy.

I love those flashbulbs!

[Donald] Look horrified at what you've done to your daughter.

Oh, look like you've just won a prize.

Yes.

[screaming]

Dawn, you son of a bitch!

[Ida] You're the one who did it!

You! You drove Gater away!

-Oh, my God. -Incredible!

Ida Nelson, you get out of my house!

You made Gater leave!

I've got something for your face, motherfucker!

[Dawn, Donna screaming]

[Donna] Acid! Acid! It's eating her face!

Move, Donna! These will be the most exquisite shots yet.

Hold still while I focus. Move your hand.

Help me!

[Donna] Operation Excitement is off to a flying start!

[Donald] Just one more shot, Dawn. You are beautiful.

[weakly] Thank you, Mr. Dasher.

[groaning]

-Come on! -When's visiting hours?

[all murmuring]

So, what are you saying, Doctor,

is that even though there's no hope for the scar tissue to develop,

makeup, in itself, would not be painful to the patient.

Well, no, I suppose not.

But I find it most peculiar you would even discuss makeup.

What she needs is a good plastic surgeon.

Utter nonsense, Doctor.

With proper makeup treatments, her scars will be mere beauty marks.

The medical profession has always shown its extreme ignorance in the beauty field.

What you don't realize, Doctor – and, really, how could you –

is that Miss Davenport will now be more beautiful

than if she had had a million-dollar face lift.

What I find most distasteful is the fact you've chosen to bring a camera.

Her face has been hideously disfigured. Certainly this is no time for photographs.

Why not let us worry about proper timing?

Yes. Why don't you mind your own business?

In all of my years in the medical profession,

never have I encountered such a morally bankrupt group of people.

[gasping, grumbling]

Not only are you selfish and vicious,

but you have no feeling for the cares of your loved one.

And my bill will reflect your attitude in this hospital.

-Gorgeous! -Why, you bloody little –

Ah-ah-ah! Watch it, Doc. I sue and bruise easily.

Miss Davenport is ready for her guests.

-[gasps] Ooh! -See you in malpractice court.

Hmph!

Oh, get the presents.

-[groaning] -Dawn, your friends are here.

[Dawn] Oh, hello, everyone.

Hello, Miss Beautiful. We're all here for the unveiling.

It's like a holiday for us.

This is so exciting. Let's all say hi.

-Hi, Dawn. It's me, Chicklette. -Oh!

I can't wait to see your new face. I hear it's stunning.

It's Concetta, Dawn.

I'm so jealous. Everybody tells me you're the prettiest now.

Dribbles here. I hope that fart of a doctor hasn't been giving you any trouble.

It's Wink. I can't wait to do your hair, doll.

Oh, thank you, honey. Thanks to everyone.

It's Butter, baby. You'll be a goddess with this new face.

A goddess of gore to protect all your children in crime.

-Oh, yeah. -Oh! I wanna see it.

Nurse? Nurse! Remove my bandages!

[nurse] She asked me to remind you that she is, of course, without makeup.

-[all murmuring] -Oh, that's all right.

We understand, Dawn. Don't worry about makeup.

Oh, slowly, nurse, slowly.

I want perfect focus.

I can smell flesh. God, I could faint, I'm so excited!

It's just like an art opening.

Christ, I wish it'd happened to me!

Just think of how it would look with my hair!

I'm getting a hard-on. Beauty always gives me a hard-on.

Aim it the other way then, Wink. You know how I detest organs.

Beauty has absolutely nothing to do with that word,

that thing you have there, hanging like an obscene pickle.

Spare me your anatomy!

-There it is. -[Donald gasps]

One hell of a rotten face!

-[all gasping, groaning] -[Dribbles] Beautiful!

It's beautiful!

-Ooh! -[gasping continues]

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

It makes the Mona Lisa look like a number painting.

-Acid does what Eterna 27 cannot. -I'll say.

Your face for the world to see.

Breathtakingly beautiful!

Give her a mirror. Let her see the miracle.

Beauty, beauty, look at you. I wish to God I had it too.

[gasps] Oh!

Oh!

-Pretty pretty? -[all] Yay!

Oh! Oh!

-Aww! -Look what we bought you.

-Oh! -[Wink gasps]

-Oh, Donald, it's beautiful! -[all murmuring, gasping]

And look at all this makeup we have for you.

[Dawn gasps]

You're so stunning. I could cry in the face of beauty.

You really like it?

Oh, yes.

I guess I kind of do too.

Would you put my makeup on for me?

-[all] Aww! -Oh, I'd love to, Dawn.

[Wink] That's sweet.

Nothing is too good for our crime model.

Oh, thank you, Donald.

-[gasps] -Surprise!

-Ohh! -How do you like it, Dawn?

Ohh! Oh, Donna, it's beautiful!

All the time you were in the hospital recovering, we were busy –

busy trying to make you happy.

-Here's $100 too. -Oh!

And here's something else for you to treasure.

Oh! What is it?

[gasps] Oh! A portrait!

You are both so good to me.

Ever since I met you, my life has been like a vacation.

[gasps] Look! A little stage!

[Donald] Specially built, Dawn. All for you!

All for the model of the year!

We've been hoping for a rather insane camera session.

Come on! I'm ready! I'm just in the mood for a red-hot camera session!

Slowly, Dawn, slowly. You'll give me a heart attack.

Let me give you some medicine.

What kind, Donald?

Is it... a beauty treatment?

Yes, Dawn, exactly. It's eyeliner. Liquid eyeliner.

We cooked it down this morning. It won't hurt. Nothing hurts.

-Have you ever mainlined? -No, but I will.

Keep taking those pictures and I'll do it. Come on! Shoot me!

[gasps] Ohh.

Feel it in your blood, caressing your corpuscles?

The wonders of liquid eyeliner.

Say it! Say "liquid eyeliner!"

-Liquid eyeliner! -Ooh!

Oh! Model! Model!

[Dawn panting]

[Donna] Give us something twisted! Give us something warped!

[Donald] Oh, good.

I'm glad I met you!

I love crime too!

Especially the excitement of getting away with it! Ha-ha!

-These photos will be art! -Hard-core art!

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

I'll model for eternity for you. Just let me hear the click of that camera.

Ohh! Ooh! Ohh.

Just think of it – house-robbing, new gowns, murder, scars,

fingerprints, lashes!

-[gasping] -Oh! Oh! Oh!

You're missing the best part. Wake up!

She hasn't received all of her gifts yet.

Beauty? Eyeliner?

Oh, forgive me, Donald.

[Donna] It was really just too much for me.

[Dawn] What present? Get me another present!

Over here! Here's your biggest surprise yet.

Open it, for God's sakes! Open it!

Oh, it's as big as a house!

Oh, my Christ! It's her!

-Specially kidnapped for your amusement. -With no ransom, of course.

She's so beautiful, we figured you'd want to keep her here, caged like a rare bird.

Beautiful?

You mean she has to live here, in my own home?

Only for a temporary period until we've gotten all the photos we need for our experiment.

But she disfigured me!

Think about it, Dawn. She did you a favor. And now you can return this favor.

[Ida grunting, muffled]

Cut off the hand that threw the acid!

Whatever you say, Donald.

Ida, know that I'm going to chop off your scrawny little paw.

Hold it. Actio – Look excited!

-Action! -[muffled grunting]

-[Ida screaming] -[Dawn cackling]

How was that for a beauty photo, Mr. Donald Dasher?

Get those cameras rolling! [laughing]

[door slams]

-What's going on here? -Oh! Oh!

Why – Why, hello, Taffy. Did you miss Mommy?

I'm home from the hospital. I'm all right.

I was hoping the next time I'd see you would be at your funeral.

You sure look ugly.

Not everyone seems to feel that way.

I think it's time we were going, Donna.

It's been a long day, and I'm feeling a bit damp.

Ditto, Donald.

I really should be changing my outfit anyway. I've had it on nearly five hours.

I wanna thank you both again for everything.

Our pleasure. Would you care to join us for dinner tonight?

-Oh, I'd love to! -See you at 6:00.

Light dinner. You may want to eat before you come.

-Am I invited? -N!

-[Donald] Good afternoon. -Bye.

-[Donna] Bye! -Thanks again.

Why didn't you send money while you were away?

How was I supposed to eat?

Come, come, Taffy.

It doesn't look like you starved to death. Does it?

I want to leave here!

Well, good riddance to bad rubbish!

What are you trying to do to me?

Why are you always with those people?

Why is she in that cage?

I'm modeling for the Dashers, that's all.

And Ida? Well, she's our new pet.

You always wanted a pet, Taffy.

I thought you'd be pleased.

You're trying to drive me crazy, aren't you?

Well, I can't stand it anymore.

Mother, please tell me. Who is my real father?

I've told you never to ask me about that!

If it was up to him, you'd be rotting in some foster home.

I don't care! I've got to know!

Tell me, Mother. Who is my father?

Oh, very well. Go see him!

See what it gets you.

He hates you anyway.

Well, where does he live? And what's his name?

If you must know, his name is Earl Peterson.

I haven't seen him in a decade, Taffy.

I may have his address stored on a piece of paper in an old shoe in my bureau.

I really can't remember!

[utensil scraping jar]

[sobs]

Daddy? Daddy!

[knocking]

Daddy, it's me, Taffy! Open the door!

I don't know nobody named Taffy.

I'm busy right now!

-[knocking continues] -Oh, please let me in, Daddy!

Open the door!

Aw, fuckin' shut up!

All right, already.

-What do you want? -Oh, Daddy!

Daddy, it's me, Taffy, your long-lost little girl!

Hey, get off! I ain't your daddy!

-I ain't even married. -Oh, I know that.

But you're my daddy, all right. My mother told me.

My mother is Dawn Davenport.

I don't know nobody named Dawn Darlingport.

Oh, but you must! Mother told me!

Please let me stay with you a while.

Yeah, you can stay here for a while.

-You want a drink? -No!

You don't even believe me, do you?

Yeah, yeah, hey.

I'll be your sugar daddy. How 'bout that?

[burps]

Uh, I'm feelin' a little drunk, so don't mind me.

Shit-face! You're my father! Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Who'd you say your mother was?

Dawn Davenport. You know her.

-What's she look like? -She's fat. Very fat.

Fat.

[laughs] Yeah, yeah.

-I maybe remember. -[Taffy laughs]

Oh, Daddy, I knew you would.

Mother's been awful to me. For years I've suffered.

Please let me stay with you for a while. I won't be any trouble.

I can – I'll help you clean, and we can go out together,

and maybe you could buy me some regular clothes.

Can you fuck as good as your mother?

-Pig! You goddamn slimy pig! -[cackling]

Hey, little Taffy! Do you stretch like taffy?

Ohh! Fuck you!

-[sobbing] -[cackling continues]

Hey! You spilled my drink!

Daddy Earl has got a little present for ya here!

-[cackling continues] -[Taffy screaming]

-[sobbing] -Hey!

Oops. I'm sorry.

I been drinkin'.

[Earl screaming]

No! No! No!

No! No! No! No!

No! No!

[sobbing]

[man] ♪ Boom-boom, boom-boom Boom-boom, boom-boom ♪

♪ D-I-G means look ♪

♪ D-I-G means stare ♪

♪ D-I-G means see ♪

♪ D-I-G means glare ♪

♪ D-I-G means to use your eyes So dig, dig, dig, you crazy guys ♪

♪ Dig, dig, dig-aroony ♪

♪ Dig, dig, dig-aroony ♪

♪ Dig, dig, dig, dig-aroony ♪

♪ Dig, dig, dig, dig-aroony ♪

♪ Dig, dig, dig, dig ♪

♪ Dig, you crazy guys ♪

I like this one the best. It has little Taffy in it.

Mm-hmm. I bet the police would love to get their hands on these photos.

-[knocking] -Come right on in, Dawn.

[door slams]

Hi.

Evening!

Don't you look pretty.

Ooh, thank you!

It's so wild, isn't it?

Oh, it's beautiful.

And, God, my walk over here was fabulous!

Everyone was staring and gawking at me like I was a princess!

Well, naturally. Sit down, Dawn.

We all know you're beautiful.

It just takes the stupid little world a little longer to catch on. Always has.

[Donna] And don't forget the influence of that medicine we gave you.

Eyeliner, taken internally, heightens one's beauty awareness.

Oh, believe me, I realize that now.

Why, I had never felt complete until I experienced an eyeliner rush.

[inhales] Oh! Ah!

We've been on the stuff for months.

Doctors and other simpletons may frown upon it,

but we beauty czars know what is good for the blood.

Would you like to shoot some more? I had some orally earlier.

Oh, no, thanks, Donna. I'm still up on it now.

Would you care for an hors d'oeuvre then?

[Dawn gasps]

Eat one. They're really quite tasty.

Ooh! Little mascara brushes!

Mmm!

Yummy, huh?

[coughs]

Mmm.

Yes, delicious.

But where's your camera?

Oh, it's here. Don't worry about that.

We have lots of important business matters to discuss tonight.

We've decided that the time is right for you to blast off into show business.

Oh, I'm ready, Mr. Dasher!

[sobbing]

You little bitch! Let me out of this goddamn birdcage!

"Little bitch"? Is that all the thanks I get?

I got you a hook, didn't I? Mother will kill me as it is.

Who cares about your stinkin' mother?

She stole my Gater away.

But she ain't gonna get me.

And I'll thank you for this fuckin' hook

after I rip her eyes out with it.

-Give me somethin' to eat. -There's no food here.

Mother doesn't buy food for me.

You want an egg? There might be a couple of old eggs in the kitchen.

No, I don't want no goddamn eggs!

I want meat and potatoes!

Please don't yell at me.

I've had a horrible experience today.

I can't help what's happened to you any more than –

than I can help what I did today.

Don't you think I hate Mother as much as you do?

Let me out of this cage, little Taffy, and I'll give you a cookie.

I can't let you out yet.

I promise I will, but I need time to think.

I don't have anyplace to go.

Maybe I could go live with those Hare Krishna people.

They're always nice to me when I see them downtown.

Maybe – Maybe I could help them out.

I just want something nice to happen in my life.

If only I could go live with the Hare Krishna people.

-[door closes] -They'd help me.

What are you doing here?

I thought you went to live with your father.

He moved. He wasn't at that address.

Pity, pity.

Who ungagged this maggot?

You told me she was my pet. I was just playing with her.

You let me out of here, Dawn Pig-port, or you'll be sorry.

Now, now, now, Ida.

You're supposed to be singing a sweet little song.

Are you hungry? The Dashers sent some crackers for ya.

Ida want a cracker?

-Fuck off! -Who gave you that hook?

-Was it you, Taffy? -No! I swear!

Oh, yes, it was, you sneaking, conniving little abortion!

She was in pain!

You're a pain too, Taffy.

A pain in my big asshole!

I'll see you fry in the electric chair for this.

I'll personally see that you fry in the goddamn chair for this.

I'll shut you up.

Where's that gag?

Fucker! Pig fucker!

What's that? A mating call?

-Ouch! I'll shut that big fly trap! -Hetero!

Filthy hetero stink-shit!

Oh, you'll never get out of here now.

And I won't clean your cage for a week!

Ow! Goddamn it! You broke my nail!

-There. -[sobbing] You're insane!

My own mother is insane!

And you stop that fake blubbering.

And don't go getting any crocodile tears on my new furniture either!

Look at you! You're a freak!

Oh, God, what's happened to your hair?

Haven't you ever heard of style, Taffy?

I'm going to live with the Hare Krishna people.

What did you say?

The Krishnas all love, Mother.

Oh, God, I would have killed you at birth

had I thought you would even entertain such an idea.

-♪ Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna ♪ -Stop that bullshit!

Where did you meet those awful people? Are they trying to brainwash you?

-Can't you see how pretty your mother is? -[humming]

Don't you envy me?

Do you want to walk around the streets dressed in rags the rest of your life,

selling stink sticks?

-Incense, Mother, incense. -[sighs]

-♪ Hare Rama, Hare Rama ♪ -Stop those chants!

You're just trying to get on my nerves now.

I would die of embarrassment if you ever dared link my name with that pack of fools.

Think of my career!

Why, I'd sooner you be a secretary.

♪ Rama, Hare Rama ♪

I'm warning you right now, Taffy.

If I'm ever downtown and see you dressed in one of those ridiculous outfits,

bothering shoppers and dancing around like some sort of a fool,

I'll kill you.

And I mean business.

-You can't kill love, Mother. -[groans]

You can't kill Krishna

because Krishna is consciousness.

-Oh, God! -[singing continues]

I'll show you consciousness when I knock you unconscious.

Now, Taffy, I have a very busy week ahead of me.

I have hours of studying to do, plus a lot of rehearsal for my new nightclub act.

If you feel you must stay here,

I ask you to constantly remember that you are in the presence of a star.

Om!

Jesus Christ almighty!

[sustained] Mmm!

-[Wink] Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! -[Dribbles] Step right this way!

-Free makeup in the lobby! -See the most beautiful woman alive!

-Just wait till you see the show! -Get your free makeup!

-You'll get the time of your life! -Step right up!

-Step right this way! -This is a show you will not believe!

You should see the crowds out there, Dawn. It's packed.

-Ohh! -God, you'll be a household word overnight.

-[squeals] -Just think.

Flashbulbs popping. Your picture in the paper.

Writers in the audience. Artists just begging to paint you.

-Ohh! -It's like you were president.

Tonight she'll be even more important than the president.

Oh, I just can't wait to get out there.

I can feel exhibitionism throbbing in my veins!

Where have you been, Taffy?

I thought you left me here to rot!

I'm living with the Hare Krishna people now, Ida.

I've finally found my inner peace.

I'm going to set you free now.

Oh, thank Christ, Taffy!

Quick, honey, let me out. My ass hurts from this stool.

If you let me out right away, I'll buy five dollars worth of incense from ya.

Ida, all this time you've been in this cage you could have been meditating.

Why, you're practically in the lotus position right now.

-Thank you. -Come on.

Thank you. Thank you.

-There. -Oh.

-Thank you. -Oh, here.

Thank you, Taffy. Thank you. [sighs]

-I want you to go immediately to the police. -Thank you. Thank you.

Tell them that my mother, the enemy of spirituality,

is at Superstar Nightclub,

and I want her arrested tonight!

Tell the police everything!

I'll go right to the police station, Miss Taffy,

and I'll report it all.

And remember my offer. It still stands.

If you get tried of being a "Hare Krishner,"

you come live with me and be a lesbian.

Fly away!

Fly away quickly, like a little bird!

Quickly, to the police!

Tell them His Divine Grace,

the Bottsividantas Swami Grupupatta, has spoken!

Thank you, Taffy, thank you. I will. I will.

[cheering]

[cackling]

Give us violent beauty!

-[cackling] -[squealing, giggling]

Oh, Richard Speck, guide me through this night!

Help me to be brave on this night of glamour!

-[snarling, cackling] -[laughing, chattering]

Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Hare Krishna, Mother.

Oh! You've finally done it, haven't you?

Embarrassed me on my night of fame!

No reporters saw you, did they?

Look at you. I could vomit.

I thought I'd come and see you one last time before your karma caught up with you.

Mother, it's not too late. Come to the temple with me.

[Dawn burps, groans]

The exact opposite of beauty!

Remember Alice Crimmins.

All of you, can't you see what you're doing?

Worshipping the flesh and ignoring the spiritual.

-[Concetta groans] -Oh, if only you could see the light.

Discovering my consciousness

was like finding a million dollars in the street!

I'm glowing with happiness!

Well, glow on then, Taffy,

because the sight of you makes my flesh crawl.

I'm sick of listening to you babble commandments and spout gibberish.

It's turning my stomach! Do you hear?

And in just a few seconds, I'm going to put you out of your happiness.

♪ Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna ♪

-Shut up! Shut up! -♪ Krishna, Krishna ♪

-Shut up! Shut up, you! -♪ Hare, Hare ♪

-[screaming, choking] -Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up!

-[cackling] -[all chuckling, cheering]

She's finally dead!

Oh! I think I'm ready to go on now!

-[cackling maniacally] -Yes!

[audience cheering, whistling]

-Attention! -[cheering, whistling stop]

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce the most beautiful woman in the world,

the fabulous Dawn Davenport!

[audience cheering, whistling]

[audience cheering, whistling]

Whoo!

[audience cheering, whistling]

[audience cheering, whistling]

[audience cheering, whistling]

[cheering, whistling continue]

Thank you. I love you. Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my black little heart.

You came here for some excitement tonight,

and that's just what you're going to get.

[audience exclaims]

Take a good look at me,

because I'm going to be on the front of every newspaper in this country tomorrow.

You're looking at crime personified,

and don't you forget it!

I framed Leslie Bacon!

[audience] Whoo!

I called the heroin hotline on Abbie Hoffman!

[audience laughing] Whoo!

I bought the gun that Bremer used to shoot Wallace!

[audience] Whoo!

I had an affair with Juan Corona!

[audience cheers]

I blew Richard Speck!

[audience] Whoo!

And I'm so fuckin' beautiful I can't stand it myself!

[audience cheering, applauding]

-[gunshot] -[audience quiets]

Now everybody freeze.

Who wants to be famous?

Who wants to die for art?

I do!

[all screaming, gasping]

[gunshots continue]

[screaming continues]

[police officer] Hold it! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa! Hey!

[screaming]

[screaming continues]

Freeze, before I blow the beached-blonde head off of you!

We're innocent! We surrender!

She went berserk! She was on drugs!

Don't shoot us. Please. We're clean.

Please don't shoot me! [sobbing]

[spits]

-[dogs barking] -Oh!

Oh, my God!

[gasps] Oh!

-Oh, no. -[dogs continue barking]

[grunting, gasping]

Come on out, Davenport! We've got you!

-[gunshot] -Davenport!

You can't get away, Davenport! Come on!

Slow down, Davenport! You haven't got a chance!

-We've got ya! -We've got ya!

-We've got you this time! There's no way out! -[gunshots]

There's no way out this time!

Come on out, Davenport! You haven't got a chance!

-We got ya! -[gunshots]

Come on out! We've got your scent, Davenport!

You haven't got a chance!

Come on out! We've got you surrounded!

You go that way, I'll go this way!

[whimpering]

Don't move, Davenport!

Freeze, Davenport! Put your hands behind your back!

-I didn't do one thing! -You're gonna get it for this!

[Dawn] Get off!

[squeals] Oh! [chuckling]

You pig!

Court is now in session. Mr. Wilroy.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Your Honor, defense counsel, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

the case we have before us is one of the most savage crimes

ever perpetrated by one individual

in the history of the state of Maryland.

The evidence will prove beyond a reasonable doubt

that the defendant, Dawn Davenport,

is guilty of not only kidnapping but first-degree murder.

Her victims came from all walks of life –

young people, an elderly woman, police officers,

and even the defendant's own daughter.

[Dawn chuckles]

It is a sordid and sickening case that can end in only one just verdict –

guilty!

I ask you to show the defendant the same mercy she showed her victims.

Sentence her to die in the electric chair.

Let's go to the night of April 22.

Do you remember that night?

Yes, I do.

I was at home, having some sherry and listening to records,

and Dawn Davenport came to my door

and pulled a gun on me.

That's a lie, Ida Nelson!

Order! Order in this courtroom!

It's the truth, Pig-port, and you know it.

She forced me at gunpoint into her crummy little house,

stripped me of my clothes,

and made me exhibit myself in front of her.

You liar! Liar!

She made me put on a feather dress,

locked me in a birdcage,

and cut off my arm with an ax.

I object, Your Honor, on the grounds that this witness is not competent

and that she is senile.

Overruled.

I call to the stand Donna Dasher.

She'll tell the truth. Hi, Donna!

-We know all about excitement, don't we? -[defense counsel] Shh!

The press is all here, and I'm looking real pretty,

but these two witches won't give me my fashion accessories.

[gavel pounding]

Order in the courtroom.

Now, Mrs. Dasher, you understand you have been granted total immunity for your testimony?

Yes. Thank you, Your Honor. It is total immunity?

Yes, Mrs. Dasher. Total.

You became involved taking pictures of the defendant.

Is that correct, Mrs. Dasher?

Yes. Fashion photographs.

Uh, could you tell us a little about these photography sessions?

Well, they never really amounted to much, Mr. Wilroy.

We soon learned that Dawn's modeling abilities were rather limited.

She would pose and strut all the time,

as if she thought we enjoyed the sight of such sickening exhibitionism.

She even scarred her own face in order to attract attention.

She would talk of nothing but crime and criminal behavior,

and she even seemed to idolize Richard Speck.

-[spectators, jury murmuring] -[Wilroy] Anything else, Mrs. Dasher?

One time she –

Go on. Go on.

She used a needle in front of me.

I was shocked silly, but said nothing,

hoping that maybe she was diabetic and hadn't told me.

Then all by accident we discovered she'd kidnapped the woman next door.

You lying bitch! You're the one that gave me those beauty treatments!

You're the one that kidnapped Ida!

You lying, bleached-blonde bitch!

Liar! Liar!

Could you tell us about the evening of May 8?

Yes.

That is the night we went to what Miss Davenport refers to as her nightclub act.

We were backstage.

Dawn was wild-eyed and pacing up and down, ranting and raving about her beauty,

when in reality she looked quite hideous.

Her daughter Taffy came in,

and they had a big fight over religious freedom.

Donna and I were terrified, but stood by helplessly.

The fighting continued,

and Dawn strangled her daughter to death right in front of us.

[muffled shouting]

What happened then?

She ran onstage to begin her so-called act,

a pitiful display based solely on how disgusting she could be.

She seemed to work herself up into a frenzy,

shouting ridiculous claims of criminal conduct,

grimacing wildly into the audience.

And then before we could realize it,

she pulled a gun and began shooting into the crowd.

I can't describe the horror.

It was nothing but screams and panic.

[sobbing] I lived through a hell that night.

Your Honor, Mr. Wilroy, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

we have heard a lot of witnesses condemn my client,

we have heard some incredibly bizarre testimony,

and we have seen some damaging physical evidence.

But my client is innocent.

Innocent by reason of insanity.

Listen to her testimony.

Listen to the whisperings of a madwoman and decide for yourselves.

If she is not insane, who is?

I do not ask you to forgive her.

I do not ask you to set her free.

I ask you to have the courage to help her.

Find her insane so that she can be put away in a mental hospital

for the rest of her natural life.

Dawn, how did you become acquainted with Donald and Donna Dasher?

I-I went to their beauty parlor and they discovered me.

I was so beautiful.

I still am a top model in the country.

[all laughing]

I don't want my trial to be held here.

I want it to be downtown in a large, large theater where I belong.

[whispering] You're a terrible press agent.

They won't even let cameras in here.

I'm your attorney, Dawn, not your press agent.

Well, get me some of my loungewear then.

I can't be on Walter Cronkite looking like this.

Did you kidnap Ida Nelson?

No. The Dashers did it. But they lied.

They're just jealous of me because I'm more famous than they are.

The Dashers are liars!

Well, then, did you strangle your daughter?

Yes, I did, and I'm proud of it.

If only the Dashers hadn't destroyed the photographs.

They were art.

You believe the death of your daughter was art?

Of course.

Can't you stupid people see?

I'm a huge star.

Just pick up the papers and you'll see my picture on the front page.

I'm only charged in this matter because I'm so... photogenic.

Why, I should been on television right this minute.

What about your nightclub act, Dawn?

[gasps] Ooh, it was a spectacular success,

a wild, fast-moving stage show

with a finale to top all finales.

They loved it! Even the people that died loved it!

How could they not love dying if they're going to become famous for it?

Oh, the jury must realize.

Look at me. I'm the most famous person you've ever seen.

Take notes while you have the chance. Quote me. Look at me.

Look at my legs! Look at 'em!

[judge] Bailiffs, remove the defendant from the witness stand.

Disgusting display.

The defense rests.

Publicity! The death penalty! Electrocution! Ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Foreman, has the jury reached a decision?

Yes, we have, Your Honor.

We find the defendant guilty as charged

and sentence her to die in the electric chair.

[laughing]

[woman screeches] Matron!

How am I supposed to sleep with these goddamn bums in here?

Where is that hog?

Matron! Did you hear me?

♪ I come to the garden alone ♪

♪ While the dew is still on the roses ♪

♪ And the voice I hear Ringing in my ear ♪

♪ The Son of God discloses ♪

[moaning, sobbing]

I'm gonna miss my little Dawn.

It ain't right they gon' put you in that chair.

Oh, Earnestine, I'm thrilled about it.

Today is my big day.

I feel lucky to receive the death penalty.

Why, it's the biggest award I could get in my field.

But I don't even have my acceptance speech ready.

I've got to practice it.

I know every word I say will be in the newspapers tomorrow.

Does it excite you to make love to someone so famous?

You excite me, Dawn, not your fame.

It's you I love.

[sniffling, sobbing]

Not all that publicity.

Oh, I still am the star prisoner. Right, Earnestine?

Uh-huh!

Even the warden told me he had a problem with the press trying to get my picture.

-Will you save my clippings? -I'll save 'em, Dawn.

I'll cry when I read 'em though.

-Will you write a book about me? -[sobbing] Uh-huh.

You know everything. I'd trust you to write my story.

Oh, describe my makeup and hairdos.

Include sketches of every outfit I ever wore.

Oh, why won't they let me wear a gown and makeup today?

Today of all days.

My big moment in the electric chair.

Oh, you still think you're in a show, baby.

You gotta realize it's your life!

My life is a show.

Why is it so hard for people to understand?

My fans want me to die in the electric chair.

It'll be my final curtain call, the most theatrical moment of my life.

[whimpers] Oh, no.

I've always tried to be page one, Earnestine.

Life imprisonment would have been such a second-rate news story.

This way my legend will have to live on.

I'm not going to die only for my fans of today,

but for their children and grandchildren.

Oh! [sobs]

You so fucked up, baby.

Give mama a big, sloppy kiss.

[Earnestine moaning]

Okay, "les-beans," I caught ya!

Bumpin' pussies is a violation of jail rules.

I'm gonna write this beef up and give it to the warden, Earnestine.

You'll get the adjustment center for this.

It's her last day, for Christ's sake. Can't we spend it together?

Get back to your cell before I beat you to a pulp.

For Christ's sake, it's her last day!

I know it's her last day.

[laughs] You all ready for the hot seat, fatso?

I'm supposed to ask you what you want for your last meal.

I'll have two veal cutlets.

Well, I'll get 'em,

but you'd better eat 'em quick,

'cause the electric chair don't wait for nobody.

Not even big stars like you.

You're gonna be one fried lady today.

[cackles]

Dawn, I came to say good-bye to you.

We're going to miss you.

Oh, don't look so sad.

I'm happy, happy, happy!

The only thing I ask is that you remember me

and talk about me the rest of your life.

Oh, we will!

And tell everyone they have my permission to sell their memories of me to the media.

Oh, Dawn, could I have your autograph?

Why, certainly, Cheryll.

Sit down.

To Cheryll,

the prettiest girl on cell block four.

Love always,

the beautiful and fabulous

Dawn Davenport.

Oh, I'll treasure it.

Would you like to see some modeling?

I bet you would. And I don't mind.

I'd love to see you perform.

Oh, good!

Ready?

Oh, go! Go, Dawn!

Go! Go! Go, Dawn!

-Go! -Get back to your cell, Cheryll!

The show's over for Dawn Davenport.

-Good-bye, Dawn. -Good-bye, Cheryll.

Come on. Get outta here, Cheryll.

Here's your food, pork chop.

Eat up. Ain't got much time.

I've changed my mind.

I'm really not hungry anymore.

Let's not dawdle.

I'm all ready for my big news event.

I'd like to go right now, if it'll be all right.

Suit yourself, pizza face. Let's put your jewelry on for ya.

Here comes the chaplain now. Come on, Miss Star. Your time's up.

Are you ready, Dawn?

Yes, I'm ready, Father.

The legend's all ready for her little appointment in the green room.

I've been looking forward to this, you know.

-"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. -[Cheryll sobbing]

-He makes me lie down in green pastures. -Good-bye, Cheryll!

He leads me beside still waters.

-[Earnestine] Dawn, I love you! -He restores my soul.

-Good-bye, Earnestine! -Dawn! [sobbing]

He leads me in the path of righteousness for his name's sake.

-Good-bye, Ben. -Good-bye, Dawn!

-[inmates shouting, indistinct] -I fear no evil, for thou art with me.

My rod and my staff... " [voice fades]

"O Lord, who shall sojourn in thy tent?

Who shall dwell on thy holy hill?"

-[chaplain continues reading] -Hop in. [cackling]

Oh, it's cute. Hey, it's comfortable too.

[Dawn laughs]

Strap her in good. She deserves worse than this for what she did.

Yeah, you'd better strap me in good, 'cause you don't want me to get out of here.

[laughs] Hog!

[laughing continues]

I hate you.

Shut up, Davenport.

Ugly, ugly, ugly!

[laughing continues]

I'd like to thank all the wonderful people

that made this great moment in my life come true.

[laughs]

My daughter, Taffy,

who died in order to further my career.

My friends Chicklette and Concetta,

who should be here with me today.

All the fans that died so fashionably and gallantly in my nightclub act.

[panting, chuckling]

And especially all those wonderful people

who were kind enough to read about me in the newspapers

and watch me on the television news shows.

Without all of you, my career could never have gotten this far.

[laughs]

It is you that I murdered for,

and it is you that I will die for.

Please remember,

I love every fuckin' one of you!

-[electricity crackling] -[groaning]

[Dawn] ♪ I got lots of problems ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Maybe I'm twisted ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ They say I'm insane ♪

♪ But I don't care ♪

♪ Go ahead Put me in your electric chair ♪

♪ I got lots of problems ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Maybe I'm twisted ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Hey, spare me your morals ♪

♪ Look, everyone dies ♪

♪ What pleases me ♪

♪ Is homicide ♪

♪ I got lots of problems ♪

♪ Female trouble ♪

♪ Maybe I'm twisted ♪ [song fades]