Original subtitles

[ woman on tape ] hello, emergency. What service did you require, please ?

[ man on tape ] hello, quick ! Anybody ! Just get help !

[ woman ] where are you calling from, sir ?

[ man ] kaihoro, phone box.

there was this roaring noise and a big white light in the sky,

and then these-these invaders started killing us !

[ woman ] hold on, sir. I'll connect you with the department of internal affairs.

[ man ] no time ! They're after me ! I-- [ woman ] hello ?

[ gunshot ] [ man screams ]

[ woman ] is there anybody there ?

what do you think, minister ?

[ minister ] call a full-scale invasion alert, sir.

i'll phone the forces-- fighters, frigates, footsloggers.

hmm.

perhaps that could all be a bit showy.

i think this is a job forrealmen.

just stop right there. Stop.

[ man over radio ] i think you'd better kill him, barry.

jeez, he could be minister of works or something.

nah. He's moving too fast.

stop ! This is definitely your last chance !

[ chuckles ]

[ man over radio ] that's the story !

i always thought you were left-handed.

not bad ! The head shot's the only true stopper.

[ gunshot ]

[ man over radio laughing ] [ footsteps approaching ]

oh !

[ groans ]

oh, jeez !

i hope i'm not the poor bastard that's gotta clean that up.

jesus.

stick all the bits of brain in a plastic bag, barry.

we'll need them for analysis.

no bloody way, mate. You can come down here and do that yourself.

you're the gung-ho scientist.

[ groans ] all right.

i'll be down straight after lunch, but at least take a blood sample.

no need. I'll just wring my strides out.

oh, well, at least we got one live specimen.

[ man ] yeah.

seen anyone else about, barry ?

no. The place is completely deserted.

they're probably all dead ! That's at least 75 people.

jeez.

i just hope we're in time to save the world.

well, i just hope you got it right this time.

no doubt about it, barry. I've been watching the skies.

and do you know what the skies did ?

- they pointed. - they pointed at this place.

why can't aliens be friendly ?

there's no glowing fingers on these bastards.

we've got a bunch of extraterrestrial psychopaths on our hands.

like a-- like a visit from a planet full of charlie mansons.

they've wiped out a small town for starters.

it's my guess they'll go on to something bigger next time.

christchurch, wellington--

auckland ? Yeah, well, that wouldn't be so bad.

well, you'd better contact the others, derek. They should be in range now.

and you'd better tell them to keep an eye out for someone who could be heading this way.

who ? A collector.

there's some appeal on. There's envelopes stuck on all the doors,

and today's collection day.

hey, there's something that's just occurred to me, too, mate.

what's that ? That joker you topped a while back,

he might have friends.

i'd keep me eyes skinned if i were you.

you needn't worry. I'm not stupid, thanks.

[ gasps ]

[ barry grunting, groaning ]

[ panting ]

come in, frank. Ozzy, are you there ?

[ heavy metal on car stereo ]

[ continues ] boys, are you there ?

[ continues ]

[ frank ] turn it down, ozzy.

[ volume decreases ]

aw, that's elevator music for headbangers.

[ derek over radio ] frank, ozzy, are you there ?

yeah, we're here, mate, but could you use the proper call sign ?

there could be people listening.

there's nobody for miles, frank.

besides, i don't think whispering's gonna help.

he's got a point there, frank.

what do you mean, nobody for bloody miles ? I thought you were in kaihoro.

[ derek over radio ] i am in kaihoro, and i was right all along.

they've done the entire town.

- who's done the town ? - the extraterrestrial lowlifers.

and guess what ? We've caught one of the bastards.

me and barry caught him loping over the hills this morning like he owned the bloody place.

huh ? Now do you believe me ?

jesus. Look, derek, just keep him there.

you've got him secured ? Bloody oath !

[ frank ] right. Now, don't touch him.

we'll be there in 45 minutes. And look, whatever you do, don't harm him.

no physical violence. And another thing, derek.

keep a careful lookout. There could be more of them about.

- there was, down on the beach ! - hell. Well, look, don't go near 'em.

well, it's a little late for that now, frank.

[ frank ] what ? It wasn't me.

barry shot his head off. He had the magnum.

oh ! I knew it was a mistake to issue weapons.

we're a government department, not a paramilitary unit. Yeah.

the astro-investigation and defense service.

wish we'd change that name.

due to the potentially dangerous hazards involved--

all right, all right. At least you managed to convince the minister.

[ ozzy laughing ]

[ derek ] aren't you interested in this joker we caught, then ?

of course we are, derek. Right.

stay where you are, then, and i'll give you an eyewitness description...

of this intergalactic wanker.

well, i would describe him...

as sort of human-shaped.

he's got jeans and a blue shirt on.

oh, christ. He's nabbed a bloody farmer.

yeah, but there's something strange about him, though.

like he's got a screw loose or something.

it is a bloody farmer.

[ ozzy laughing ] yeah, derek strikes again.

this isn't going to be another false alarm like the manners street invasion alert, is it ?

well, how do you explain the disappearance of an entire township then, frank ?

oh, the kiwi jonestown. Of course. That's it.

drinking beer laced with cyanide from little polystyrene cups.

yeah, yeah. Okay, derek, just do me one favor.

what ? Try not to make him extinct before we get there. Out.

christ, what a dork. How the hell did he get in this team ?

well, this has buggered your plans for conquering the universe, eh ?

my friend, the astro-bastard, time for talkies.

by the time my colleagues get here, [ grunting ]

i want to have you babbling in some extraterrestrial language.

now, in case you don't want to do what you're told,

i could always encourage you by hammering this cold steel...

into your fibula.

it'll sure poke a nasty hole in your marrow, mate.

we'll get the old ball rolling, eh ?

now, what are you dirty "hooers" doing on my planet ?

[ straining ]

oh, bugger it !

[ banging on door ]

well, looks as if it's time for the old count of ten.

one.

two.

three.

six. Seven, eight.

nine.

ten.

[ yelling ]

[ shrieking ]

[ shrieking continues ]

[ howling ]

[ shrieking continues ] derek !

- [ shrieking ] - [ howling ]

derek !

[ grunts ]

[ groans ]

[ panting ]

derek !

- come in, derek ! - what ?

aw, jeez.

[ groaning ]

i should've expected that.

[ barry over radio ] derek ! All right !

[ barry over radio ] quickly, derek !

come on !

look, jeez, barry, you've got awful timing. What ?

just listen to me. You've gotta get out of there fast !

five of those blue-shirted freaks are coming up !

they heard their mate screaming.

get out of there fast, derek !

i can't do that.

i'm a derek. Dereks don't run.

well, get up a tree or something.

yeah, look, just don't worry. I've taken precautions.

ah, shit.

shit !

[ imitating gunfire ]

[ chuckles ]

[ gunfire ]

[ grunting ]

[ gasps ]

eat lead, sucker !

[ yelling ]

[ screaming ]

mommy !

i think this has gone a little bit over the top, ozzy.

nah, this'll do the trick. Nobody'll be coming up this road.

but the nearest nuclear reactor's in america.

yeah, but it could've been an explosion on one of those springbok warships.

[ barry over radio ] frank ! Ozzy !

frank, ozzy, come in !

yeah, what is it, barry ? Jeez, you guys ! We're in trouble this time.

it's really hit the fan.

derek's wiped out five of those alien jokers.

the place is like a bloody abattoir.

- well, where's derek now ? -well, uh--

he's-he's turned his toes up, guys.

took a dive off the bloody cliff.

he's popped his rivets. Oh !

poor derek.

who's gonna look after his aviary now ?

[ barry ] yeah. Birds were the only thing he could relate to.

[ frank ] all right, we'll be there in about 15 minutes.

[ barry ] no, i think it'll be best if you stay where you are.

just get the car off the road until i call you back.

i'm gonna head off in the direction that alien joker was going...

when me and derek caught him this morning.

he must've been going somewhere.

they've probably got a base up there or something.

they don't need a base. They could just beam themselves down from their spaceship.

maybe they haven't seen star trek,ozzy.

[ barking ]

[ groans ]

[ engine cranking ]

come on.

come on !

shit !

[ whimpering ]

[ grunting ]

[ engine starts ]

bye-bye.

that's my overtime up to date. Here, do you want to do yours ?

[ barry over radio ] hey, frank. Yeah, what is it, barry ?

where exactly are you two ?

about five miles from kaihoro.

yeah, well, just stay put. I think i might have spotted something,

and i'm moving in closer.

finished, oz ? Ah.

oh, shit !

[ doorbell rings ]

y-your phone. Could i use your phone ?

i was just-- i was--

[ window shatters ] [ gasps ]

aah !

we've got trouble.

good one !

right. We're on our way.

[ water splashing ]

hmm ?

[ grunting ]

[ gasping ]

[ screaming ]

[ whimpering ]

[ gibbering ]

[ whimpering continues ]

mmm.

i suppose you're wondering why you're soaking...

in reg's 11 secret herbs and spices.

tomorrow, we're having you for lunch.

[ whimpering ]

you're the exotic new taste sensation.

- human flesh, is it ? - [ yelling ]

you are going to be the first bit of meat...

that we've had a chance to get our teeth into since we arrived.

so we're going to treat ourselves to a feast, with you as the main course.

quite an honor, really.

we'd better leave so he can get some sleep.

i'll have the head, reg. I want to suck his brains out.

[ screaming ]

[ gibbering ]

[ chuckling ]

[ groans ]

[ cawing ]

[ chuckles, groans ]

[ sniffing ]

[ groaning ]

[ grunting ]

we oughta go back to the office, get reinforcements.

that'll take a day. And the rest.

take two days to do the bloody paperwork.

yeah, and by then that collector bloke could be dead.

if he's not already.

look, we'll go in.

after midnight.

[ grunting ]

well, guess i'll have to issue a gun to ozzy.

yeah, but don't forget about his personality disorder.

open season on e.T.S, frank ?

remember, ozzy, get in quietly, get out quietly.

well, i certainly hope that is the case.

sorry, oz. We won't be needing that.

bloody barry ! Bastard !

what are we gonna do if we're spotted, frank ?

well, i guess we shoot the bastards.

my turn for the magnum.

i just wish we didn't have to wear all this crap.

yeah, but you know what the rules are.

when we work undercover, we have to remain faceless.

oh, i get it. Just in case we kill a lot of innocent people.

don't you forget, oz. We're only authorized to use violence...

when it is a threat to the planet earth.

- and the moon. - yeah, and the moon.

there you go, oz.

put this stuff on.

we ought to have a look around.

if these are aliens, they might have parked their spaceship somewhere around here.

they might have come in a telephone box.

[ frank ] let's just get that guy out.

then we'll try and contact base and give them the code words for invasion.

- "the bastards have landed." - [ together ] "the bastards have landed."

i'll be there in a moment.

[ all gibbering ]

welcome, my friends.

the job is almost done. We take off for home tomorrow.

i'm sure you'll be pleased to be leaving this shitty planet.

in the meantime, i must impress upon you the importance...

or remaining in human form,

no matter how awkward, uncomfortable and ugly it makes you feel.

we are so close to success that we must take no chances.

right. Looks pretty quiet.

- probably all gone to bed. - jeez, i hope not.

right. Synchronize watches. 12:01.

check.

check.

let's go. We're on triple time.

[ barry ] psst !

the sad news is that we will be heading for nalic nod...

with six of our co-workers in a state of permanent death.

they died today, murdered by some real arseholes.

robert escaped their clutches and reported back to me.

[ flies buzzing ] my god ! What the--

[ barry ] my god ! The blood !

[ groans ]

ooh !

shit ! Somebody could get killed in here.

[ man continues ] ...Vacuum the floors, clean the windows,

and all the boxes must be loaded into the freezer first thing in the morning.

we've been wasting our time unless we can present samples...

to the nalic nod fast food authority.

isn't it amazing how you can fit a whole town of humans...

into a few cardboard boxes if you slice off the fat ?

it's the value of keeping your knife sharp and your mind clean.

jesus, guys ! Derek was right !

this is what's left of the people from kaihoro.

they're in those boxes !

[ ozzy ] get him, barry !

for god's sake, guys, keep it quiet !

- [ groaning ] - shut him up, oz !

i've just cleaned that bit !

- oh, that's gross. - jeez ! They come to bits easy.

get rid of it.

the old magic's still there.

[ barry ] what are you doing, frank ?

i'm gonna go in there and find out what the hell's going on.

here. He was carrying this.

now, stay here.

[ man ] the past week has been difficult,

but i would like to say how proud i am of you all.

the manner in which you conducted a very tricky slaughter operation...

has been a real credit to you and indeed...

to the whole crumb's crunchy delights organization.

your paychecks will reflect the gratitude of the company, i can assure you.

i don't think we'll have any more trouble.

however, we will be handing these around later.

[ gibbering ]

i am certain that when the homo sapien taste...

takes the galaxy by storm, as it will,

crumb's crunchy delights will be back at the top.

mcyaballow's fried moonrat won't know what hit them.

all the livestock we need are right here.

four billion of them !

right, robert.

once the fast food authority...

have checked the samples and issued the mass slaughter permit,

this grotty little planet will tremble under the full might...

of the lord crumb restaurant chain !

within a year, the giant mincer will descend from the sky,

the sun reflecting from its silver bits,

and no army on earth will be able to stop the noddy-burger machine !

[ gagging ]

ahhh !

i see the gruel is ready.

[ sniffing ]

exquisite bouquet, robert.

ahh ! Aren't i lucky ? I got a chunky bit !

here you are, boys.

[ aliens belching ]

we'll bring out a whole line...

of homo sapien, low-calorie delicacies.

juicy, raw rump,

brains soaked in lemon juice,

spinal fluid sauce,

assorted organ stew,

sapien burgers,

and chewy homo nuggets.

just before we leave tomorrow,

we will have a little party dinner with fresh, local meat.

it's, uh, my show of appreciation...

to you all.

[ belching continues ]

christ ! You'll never believe what i just had to do.

uh, did you have to drink some chuck ?

[ swallows ] ew !

come on. Let's find that guy and get out of here.

[ man ] good night, boys. [ aliens gibbering ]

good night, reg. [ reg gibbers ]

oh, robert, what a lovely little hottie.

[ robert chuckling ]

[ door opens ]

- you okay ? - uh-huh, uh-huh.

[ sighing ]

[ giles ] thanks. Get dressed. Door.

well, at least we got in quietly.

stay here.

[ whispering ] up here !

- got him ! - good one !

get the bastards !

there's more outside !

split up ! Send the boy up here !

come on.

how many did you see ?

about eight or nine. Nah. There's heaps more.

[ belches ]

that's one less.

ever been in a gun battle before ? No.

me neither, but this one's going to be a beaut, eh ? Yeah.

[ cawing ]

[ groans ]

[ engine starts ]

go for it !

cover the back !

got ya !

tsk.

come on.

[ gunfire ]

look out !

aah !

[ groans ]

[ groaning ] [ bones cracking ]

[ laughing ]

[ machine gun firing ]

[ gunfire continues ]

[ gasping ]

[ shot fires ]

[ gasping ]

i bet that cleared his sinuses.

[ pistol cocks ]

that's another beer you owe me, oz.

[ gasping ]

[ gasping ]

let's go that way.

- you reckon ? - too right.

- [ gasps ] -[ gunfire ]

bastard !

fu--

[ beeping ]

[ gasps ] bastard !

go ! I'll cover you !

where the hell's barry ?

[ clicking ] sod it !

aah !

hah !

[ click ] ah, shit !

- jeez ! -[ gunfire ]

[ groaning ]

ahh ! The gun, robert !

[ gasping ]

come on, barry. Stop farting around.

[ groaning ]

[ shrieking ]

- let's get out of here. - what the hell is that ?

[ groaning ]

well, it sounds to me like-- ah, shut up, codpiece-face !

[ gibbering ]

you three, kill them !

the rest of you get the bodies on board the ship.

jeez, they're real dickheads. Derek was right all along.

[ tires screeching ]

get 'em, oz !

get down !

oh, bloody hell !

come on, baby !

keen jogger, mate. Should have bought a holden, frank.

- what's that ? - you go on.

i'm gonna go back and stop those bastards.

we're supposed to be going for help. You go !

besides, you're not going to be back in time to stop them.

come on.

[ gibbering ]

[ heavy metal on car stereo ]

[ man singing, indistinct ]

good one !

that was my car !

look, just go to the nearest phone and call the head office.

hi. My name's giles copeland.

yeah, i'm barry. Let's go.

[ gibbering ]

that's the end of those weekend cowboys.

let's go home.

jesus, oz ! What are you doing ?

that's an historical homestead.

yeah, i know. And i've got another one here too.

[ groaning ]

[ wheezing ]

wankers.

for god's sake, oz, put that thing down.

let's get in there and hit the leader.

hey, wait for me !

[ guttural groan ] you bastard !

[ chain saw revving ]

[ panting ]

[ groaning ]

[ growling ]

holy shit !

[ growling ]

- okay. -[ gunfire ]

quit playing with them.

[ chain saw revving ]

good one !

- derek ! - bastard !

jesus ! He's gone ape-shit !

- bastard ! - let's get the hell out of here !

[ yells ]

[ chain saw revving ]

[ screaming ]

aah ! Get the launcher !

blast the bastard !

[ screaming ]

[ screams ]

[ gagging ]

[ muttering ]

[ shouting ]

[ screams ]

ozzy !

frank !

where the hell are you going ? Come here !

[ clattering ]

[ groans ]

[ alarm sounding ]

[ groaning ]

- holy-- - shit !

[ both ] derek !

[ wheezing laugh ]

jeez, oz. Here you go, mate.

- i don't smoke. - ooh.

bastards !

[ motor whirring ]

hello ? Are you there ?

[ derek ] mommy !

very well, really.

but then these pricks tried to take us on, but we soon fixed them.

we lost all our scummy third-class...

laborers, but i've got some great samples for you,

and i'll be home in 20 minutes.

hold the line.

shit !

[ chain saw revving ]

[ revving continues ]

[ revving continues ]

[ derek laughing ] hah !

suck my spinning steel, shithead !

[ groaning ]

[ groaning ]

i'm born again. [ snickering ]

i'm coming to get you bastards.

[ laughing ]

[ laughing continues ]

we've got to win this time we will

we've got a good team

[ indistinct ]

this time, unite

we'll be as one

my private army will never run

we've got the reason to believe

we've got the power

to succeed

but the minute you let me down

it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth

[ continues, indistinct ]

we're only human we're only boys

we're only dispensable toys

we've got the reason to believe

we've got the power to succeed

but the minute you let me down

it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth

we've got the reason to believe

we've got the power to succeed

but the minute you let me down

it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth

we've got the reason to believe

we've got the power to succeed

but the minute you let me down

it'll leave a bad taste in my mouth

bad taste

bad taste

[ women vocalizing ]

[ ends ]