Original subtitles

HEY, ROY, GOT A MINUTE?

NO. GREAT.

I'VE BEEN PRACTICING SOME IMPRESSIONS

FOR THE LIONS CLUB TALENT SHOW

AND I JUST WANT TO TRY 'EM OUT ON YOU.

WHY DON'T YOU DO AN IMPRESSION OF SOMEONE LEAVING A ROOM?

ARE YOU READY? OK.

[phone ringing]

[sighing]

[speaking gruffly] HI. I'M JACK BENNY.

LOWELL, THAT IS THE WORST IMPERSONATION OF JACK BENNY I'VE EVER SEEN.

BUT YOU KNEW WHO IT WAS.

OK, WHO'S THIS?

[people chattering]

[speaking gruffly] HI. I'M BETTE DAVIS.

OH, GEEZ.

NO, WAIT, WAIT. THAT WAS KATHARINE HEPBURN.

I'M ALWAYS GETTIN' THE 2 OF 'EM MIXED UP.

OK, HERE, TRY AGAIN.

[speaking gruffly] HI. I'M BETTE DAVIS.

ROY!

[seagulls cawing]

JUST ABOUT DONE WITH THAT, LOWELL?

I'LL BE THROUGH IN A JIFF, JOE.

YOU KNOW, JOE, THE LORD HAS BLESSED ME.

OH, YEAH? HOW'S THAT, LOWELL?

I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

SOMETIMES I JUST LIKE TO LIE IN BED AND WATCH HER SLEEP.

HER FACE BATHED IN MOONLIGHT,

HER HAIR CASCADING ACROSS HER PILLOW,

HER BREASTS RISING AND FALLING UNDER THE COVERS.

YOU EVER DO THAT, JOE?

YOU MEAN WITH A GIRLFRIEND?

NO! I MEAN WITH MY WIFE!

THE GUYS TOLD ME YOU WERE LOOKIN' AT HER FUNNY

THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE CAME TO PICK ME UP.

LOWELL, NO.

BELIEVE ME. NO.

I'M SORRY, JOE.

I GUESS I'M JUST A JEALOUS FOOL.

NOW, JUST FORGET I SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT,

ESPECIALLY THE PART ABOUT HER HEAVING BREASTS.

AND, UH,

JOE, COULD YOU HAND ME THAT CRESCENT WRENCH DOWN THERE?

YEAH, SURE.

OH, GOD! I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

AHA! SO THE TRUTH COMES OUT, YOU HOME WRECKER!

NO, LOWELL, IT'S MY BACK.

OH. WELL, THANK GOD.

LET ME HELP YOU UP.

HEY, JOE. ARE WE ON FOR THAT 5 K RUN IN THE MORNING?

UH, MY BACK'S GONE OUT AGAIN.

OH! YOU OK?

OK, DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GO FOR HELP.

HEY, LOWELL. YEAH?

YOUR SHOE'S UNTIED.

HAH! NOT FALLIN' FOR THAT OLD TRICK.

UH, THANKS, JOE.

OK, CAN YOU STAND UP, HONEY?

OH, NO. I--I DON'T THINK SO. I'M--I'M CLOSER TO THE FLOOR. WHY DON'T WE GO THERE?

NO, NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. BAD IDEA.

OH, THE FLOOR'S TOO HARD FOR YOUR BACK?

NO. THESE ARE NEW PANTS.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!

[groaning]

[grunting]

BE EASY.

[groaning]

LET ME HELP YOU.

[groaning]

WHOA, DON'T YOU KIDS HAVE A HOME?

I MEAN, THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS USE THE DESK IN THE OFFICE.

JOE'S BACK WENT OUT.

YEAH, I'LL BET IT DID.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S GET THIS BIG BABY INSIDE, OK?

OW! OW! WHAT'S WRONG?

[gasps] WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, JOE'S BACK WENT OUT AND BRIAN TRIED TO MOVE HIM.

OH, NO, MOVING HIM COULD REALLY HURT.

WE SHOULD GET SOME ICE FOR HIS BACK.

UH, NO, YOU ONLY APPLY ICE AFTER YOU APPLY MOIST HEAT.

MAYBE SOMEONE SHOULD TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL. NO, IT'S ICE, THEN HEAT.

NO, IT'S HEAT, THEN ICE.

ARE YOU SURE YOU JUST DON'T BREATHE INTO A BROWN PAPER BAG?

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE HIM TO A CHIROPRACTOR.

[razzing] NO, WHAT HE REALLY NEEDS IS SOME ACUPUNCTURE.

UH, THE HOSPITAL-- (Roy) ACUPUNCTURE?

WHY DON'T WE JUST WAVE A DEAD CHICKEN OVER HIM?

(Helen) LET'S JUST GET A CONSENSUS...

(Brian) WHY DON'T WE JUST TAKE HIM TO A GENERAL PRACTITIONER?

(Roy) A GENERAL PRACTITIONER?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S GONNA COST?

[all chattering]

(Helen) OH, CHEER UP, JOE.

FEW DAYS BED REST AND YOU'LL BE AS GOOD AS NEW.

YEAH, BUT WHY TRACTION?

BECAUSE THE DOCTOR SAID THAT'S THE FASTEST WAY FOR YOU TO GET BETTER.

BESIDES, YOU LOOK SO HANDSOME IN A HOSPITAL GOWN.

ESPECIALLY FROM BEHIND.

DON'T TOUCH ME, HELEN. I'M STERILE.

ON BEHALF OF ALL THE WOMEN OF CHILDBEARING AGE,

THANK GOD.

WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE, BRIAN?

BORROWED THESE FROM A LOCKED CLOSET.

WELL, I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO THE COUNTER BEFORE LUNCH.

I LEFT LOWELL IN CHARGE.

LAST TIME I DID THAT, HE SUCKED ALL THE PIMENTOS OUT OF THE OLIVES.

SEE YOU TONIGHT. BYE.

[sighing] SHE THOUGHT IT WAS LOWELL.

I CAN'T BE HERE. I'VE GOT AN AIRLINE TO RUN.

JOE, JUST STOP IT. JUST RELAX, WILL YOU?

JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE. RELAX. I WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. TRUST ME.

BRIAN, THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "TRUST ME," I WOUND UP NAKED ON I-95,

TRYIN' TO FLAG DOWN ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

BUT WHO PULLED OVER FOR YOU?

EXCUSE ME. HI. UH, I'M NEW HERE.

WOULD YOU BE DR. HEILBRON?

YES, I AM. AND, NURSE, I WANT THIS PATIENT SHAVED IMMEDIATELY.

LOOK, BRIAN...

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, DOCTOR.

I'VE NEVER SHAVED ANYONE BEFORE.

I--I THOUGHT I WAS JUST GONNA PASS OUT, YOU KNOW, MAGAZINES AND CANDY BARS.

WELL, AS SOON AS YOU FINISH SHAVING HIM, JUST GIVE HIM A BUTTERFINGER.

BRIAN...

SHAVE HIM FROM HEAD TO TOE.

I WANT HIM AS SMOOTH AS THE DAY HE WAS BORN.

BRIAN-- I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOIN' IN YET,

AND, UH, I LIKE TO KEEP MY OPTIONS OPEN.

YES, DOCTOR.

SO, JOE, YOU WERE SAYIN'? THERE, YOU SEE?

THA-- BRIAN, THAT IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF IMMATURITY COME ON.

AND IRRESPONSIBILITY I'M TALKIN' ABOUT. YOU DON'T TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY.

YOU KNOW, JOE, I'VE BEEN ON CALL FOR 48 HOURS STRAIGHT,

DID 5 GALL BLADDERS THIS MORNING,

I'M SURROUNDED BY THE STENCH OF DISEASE AND DEATH.

EXCUSE ME IF I JUST WANT TO LAUGH, JUST A LITTLE.

ALL RIGHT, SHUT UP AND GET ME DOWN FROM THIS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. JOE, COME ON, NOW, LOOK-- WHOA!

THERE'S A SOUND THAT'LL BRING A GROWN MAN TO HIS KNEES, HUH?

COME ON, SERIOUSLY, I KNOW I GOOF AROUND A LOT, OK?

BUT YOU NEED ME NOW AND I WANNA COME THROUGH FOR YOU.

WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE. ALL RIGHT. OK. RIGHT.

WELL, LET ME BRIEF YOU. ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S A SCHEDULE OF ALL MY DAILY ACTIVITIES

IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT-HAND DRAWER OF THE DESK. MMM-HMM.

IT'S FILED UNDER "S" FOR SCHEDULE. SUB-HEADED "D" FOR DAILY.

NOW, THE BEAUTY OF THAT SYSTEM IS-- JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE.

I'M SURE YOUR SYSTEM IS AS WONDERFULLY EFFICIENT

AS IT IS EXCRUCIATINGLY SELF-EXPLANATORY.

EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE JUST FINE.

OK.

BRIAN? WHAT?

THANKS.

FORGET IT, OK. JUST-- JUST TAKE IT EASY, BROTHER. ALL RIGHT?

[kisses] BEHAVE!

GOODBYE. BYE.

[woman on P.A. chattering]

NOW,

I HAVEN'T EVER ACTUALLY HANDLED A STRAIGHT-EDGED RAZOR BEFORE,

BUT, IF YOU JUST BEAR WITH ME--

NO, UH, NO, WAIT. YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HE WAS NOT A REAL DOCTOR. THAT'S MY-- IT'S MY FIRST TIME, TOO.

WE'RE BOTH NERVOUS.

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO! YOU GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!

NURSE! NURSE!

NURSE!

(Brian) WE'VE COME UP WITH AN IDEA

THAT WE FEEL SURE THAT YOU AND YOUR STUDENTS COULD REALLY GO FOR, MR. GREELY.

RIGHT. WE ARE AIMING FOR A GUINNESS WORLD RECORD.

THE MOST HIGH SCHOOL BAND MEMBERS

STUFFED INTO A TWIN-ENGINE CESSNA.

THAT'S RIGHT.

NOW, IT'LL BE GREAT PUBLICITY FOR SANDPIPER AIR

AND IT'LL GIVE THE KIDS MEMORIES THAT THEY'LL CHERISH

FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES, YOU KNOW?

HMM.

W-WHAT? YOU...

YOU WANNA BRING THE MASCOT ALONG?

THE BAND MASCOT IS FINE. THE MORE THE MERRIER.

[laughing] OK. SEE YOU AFTER SCHOOL.

HOW WAS THE FLIGHT, KENNY? AH, GREAT, SIR.

AND I FINISHED HANDING OUT THE PROMOTIONAL GIFTS

TO THE PASSENGERS LIKE YOU ASKED.

HMM, NOT A BAD IDEA, HEY?

OH, IF I MAY SAY SO, SIR,

PAINTING CRABS WITH THE SANDPIPER LOGO WAS A STROKE OF GENIUS.

AN INSPIRED CAMPAIGN.

AH! EMPTY FLATTERY. I LIKE THAT IN AN UNDERLING.

[knocking on door] THANK YOU, SIR.

HI, GUYS.

(Kenny) HEY, MISS CHAPEL.

HAVE YOU SEEN OUR NEW PROMOTIONAL GIMMICK?

AH! BLOB OF PAINT ON THE BACK OF A CRAB.

THAT'D MAKE ME FLY YOUR AIRLINE.

THAT IS NOT A BLOB OF PAINT.

THAT IS A SANDPIPER. HUH?

HMM.

WELL, YOU TRY PAINTING A MOVING CRAB.

BRIAN, I'VE GOT A GIMMICK FOR YOU.

GREAT. I LIKE HEARIN' NEW IDEAS.

LET'S TOSS IT AROUND, SEE IF IT MAKES SALAD.

WHY DON'T YOU LOAD ALL THE PASSENGERS ONTO THE PLANE,

MMM-HMM. AND THEN FLY THEM WHERE THEY WANNA GO?

THAT HAS BEEN DONE TO DEATH, HELEN.

SEE, I AM LOOKING FOR FRESH CONCEPTS.

NEW IDEAS. IT'S INCREDIBLE.

THE FLOODGATES ARE OPENING. THE IDEAS ARE FLOWING. KENNY?

WINGS ON THE SIDES OF PLANES. WHY?

WRITE IT DOWN. WRITE IT ALL DOWN. GOT IT, SIR.

OH, GET A LOAD OF MY MASTER STROKE.

I'VE ARRANGED A LITTLE PROMOTIONAL JUNKET FOR A GROUP OF TRAVEL AGENTS

FROM THE LARGEST AGENCY IN BOSTON.

AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP

TO OUR CHARMING AND HISTORIC ISLAND OF NANTUCKET,

COURTESY OF SANDPIPER AIR.

IN FACT, I BELIEVE THAT FAY IS ESCORTING THEIR WELL-FED BODIES

THROUGH OUR COBBLESTONE STREETS, AS WE SPEAK.

BRIAN, HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THAT?

AFFORD? COME ON. SEE, SEE, THAT'S JOE TALK. DON'T YOU GET IT?

WE BUTTER UP THESE TRAVEL AGENTS, WE SHOW 'EM A GOOD TIME,

AND THEN THEY SEND ALL THEIR BUSINESS TO US.

(Kenny) EXCUSE ME, MR. HACKETT.

DOES "JOE TALK" HAVE QUOTES AROUND IT?

IT'S YOUR CALL, KID.

I'M CALLING JOE.

NO. HELEN, HELEN, HELEN, PLEASE. NOW, LOOK,

I KNOW I'M NOT REAL WELL-KNOWN FOR COMING THROUGH ON THINGS,

BUT I WANNA PROVE TO JOE THAT I CAN DO THIS.

I WANNA PROVE TO MYSELF THAT I CAN DO THIS.

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED YOU MIGHT BE GETTING IN OVER YOUR HEAD A LITTLE HERE?

YOU--YOU REALLY HAVE THAT LITTLE CONFIDENCE IN MY ABILITY?

"THAT LITTLE" IMPLIES THAT I HAVE SOME.

I HAVE NONE.

BRIAN, I'M BACK WITH THE TRAVEL AGENTS.

THEY HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

SELDOM IN LIFE DOES ONE ACHIEVE SUCH IMMEDIATE VINDICATION.

KENNY!

GO WARM UP THE PLANE AND START YOUR PRE-FLIGHT.

AYE, AYE, SIR.

I NEVER DOUBTED YOU FOR A MINUTE.

KID'S A NATURAL SUCK-UP.

SO, THEY ALL HAD A REALLY NICE TIME, HUH?

OH, YES. THEY ENJOYED THE CRANBERRY BOG,

MMM-HMM. AND THE WHALING MUSEUM.

BUT THEY REALLY LOVED IT WHEN I TOOK THEM THROUGH HERMAN MELVILLE'S HOUSE.

FAY, HERMAN MELVILLE NEVER LIVED ON NANTUCKET.

HE DIDN'T?

WELL, THAT CERTAINLY EXPLAINS

WHY THAT LADY IN THE TOWEL WAS SCREAMING AT US.

OK, OK, OK. SO YOU PULLED THIS ONE THING OFF.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. AND WHO KNOWS,

MAYBE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE SET IN MOTION WILL ACTUALLY PAN OUT,

AND MAYBE BY THE TIME JOE GETS BACK HERE,

SANDPIPER WILL NO LONGER BE A ONE-PLANE OPERATION.

MR. HACKETT! THE PLANE'S MISSING!

SEE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THE PLANE IS MISSING?

WELL, IT WAS OUT ON THE TARMAC A FEW MINUTES AGO,

BUT--BUT NOW IT'S GONE.

WELL, THEN THE PLANE CAN'T BE MISSING, BUBBALA.

OH, MY MOM'S ALWAYS COMPLAINING THAT I'M LOSING THINGS.

FIRST MY JACKET AT THE PARK,

THEN MY BASEBALL GLOVE, NOW THE PLANE.

THE PLANE IS MISSING!

OH! YOU LOST THE PLANE?

NO, I--I... YOU LOST JOE'S PLANE?

HOW COULD YOU LOSE THE PLANE, BRIAN?

TELL ME, HOW COULD YOU LOSE A PLANE?

WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN YOU?

BRIAN, DO YOU WANT TO SAY A FEW WORDS

TO THE TRAVEL AGENTS BEFORE THEY LEAVE?

AH... NO.

UH, THEN I SHOULD GO AHEAD AND START LOADING THEM.

MMM. NO.

ARE WE HAVING A PROBLEM?

ACTUALLY, FAY-- UH, ACTUALLY,

KENNY ATE ONE OF HELEN'S CLAM BURRITOS FOR LUNCH

AND HE'S PAYIN' THE PIPER RIGHT NOW.

NOW, LISTEN, FAY,

I REALLY NEED YOU TO STALL THESE PEOPLE OUT THERE.

WHY DON'T YOU SING THEM ONE OF YOUR IRISH FOLK SONGS, HMM?

I THINK I CAN BE A LITTLE MORE CLEVER THAN THAT.

OK, KENNY, I WANT YOU TO HOP ON YOUR BIKE.

I WANT YOU TO TURN THIS AIRPORT UPSIDE DOWN. WE'VE GOT TO FIND THAT PLANE.

YES, SIR. AND, KENNY,

I DON'T WANNA PUT ANY PRESSURE ON YOU,

BUT YOU LOST IT, YOU FIND IT.

OR ELSE I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN AND I WILL KILL YOU!

HELEN, HELEN, HELEN, HELEN!

YOU'RE NOT GONNA CALL JOE, ARE YOU?

WHAT, AND TELL HIM YOU LOST THE PLANE? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

YOU WANT ME TO GIVE HIM A HEART ATTACK?

ALL I CAN TELL YOU, BUDDY, IS YOU BETTER FIND THE PLANE,

AND FIND IT FAST! OK.

(Fay) TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO

REAL FAST.

IT'S A BIG PLANE. HAS TO BE HERE SOMEWHERE.

[sighing]

LOOK, I KNOW I PROBABLY DON'T DESERVE THIS,

BUT IF YOU JUST GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES OF PEACE,

I CAN REALLY SORT THIS OUT.

[knocking on door]

(Fay) ...IRISH LULLABY

HI.

INSPECTOR HANSON FROM THE F.A.A.

A LITTLE SPOT INSPECTION.

SURPRISE.

THANKS. EXACTLY WHAT I HAD IN MIND.

OH, DANNY BOY

OH, DANNY BOY

I LOVE YOU SO

HELEN, HELEN, I JUST CHECKED EVERY HANGAR.

I CHECKED EVERY CORNER OF THE AIRPORT.

IT'S NOT HERE. THE PLANE IS NOT HERE.

WELL, DID YOU-- THE PLANE IS NOT HERE!

HEY, HACKETT. WHAT?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO ARRANGED

THIS LITTLE JUNKET FOR US, RIGHT? YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

WELL, WE'VE HEARD MOLLY MALONE SING

EVERY IRISH DITTY SINCE THE POTATO FAMINE.

NOW, WHEN ARE WE GETTING OUT OF HERE?

VERY SOON, SIR. VERY SOON.

IF JUST BEAR WITH ME, JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES. A FEW MINUTES.

ROY,

YOU GOT ANY EXTRA SEATS ON YOUR 4:15 TO BOSTON? MMM-MMM.

WHY? WHAT'S WRONG? OH, NOTHING.

MR. HACKETT. EXCUSE ME.

MR. HACKETT, IF I DON'T GET ON YOUR PLANE

TO INSPECT YOUR PILOT'S LOG IN 10 MINUTES,

YOU'LL BE FACING A POSSIBLE SUSPENSION, A STIFF FINE,

OR BOTH.

SIR, I TOLD YOU IT IS ON ITS WAY.

MY PILOT IS ENCOUNTERING SOME HEAVY HEADWINDS FROM MARTHA'S VINEYARD.

IN FACT, HE'S ACTUALLY LOST GROUND IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES.

MR. HACKETT, ARE YOU BLOWING SUNSHINE UP THE GOVERNMENT'S SKIRT?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

[stuttering] LET ME BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE.

NO, THANK YOU. OH, REALLY? WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD

'CAUSE THAT CUTE BLONDE BEHIND THE COUNTER

KEEPS ASKING ME WHO'S THE BLADE IN THE POWER TIE.

REALLY? ABSOLUTELY, OH. ENJOY.

BRIAN, BRI-- I--I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

WHY HAVEN'T WE TAKEN OFF YET?

FAY, FAY, FAY, THE TRAVEL AGENTS CAN'T KNOW THIS,

[whispering] BUT THE PLANE IS MISSING.

THE PLANE'S MISSING?

THEIR PLANE'S MISSING. OH, THIS IS EVEN BETTER THAN I THOUGHT.

YOUR PLANE IS MISSING?

OH, NO. YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW THESE RUMORS GET STARTED.

WE'RE JUST DOING A--A SMALL, LITTLE PRE-FLIGHT SAFETY ADJUSTMENT.

NOW, IF YOU'D LIKE ME TO BYPASS THAT...

NO, NO, L-LOOK, JUST-- JUST--JUST STEP ON IT. FINE, FINE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR PATIENCE. THANK YOU. YOU ALL LOOK GREAT.

FAY, I WANT YOU TO GET ON THE HORN RIGHT NOW.

I WANT YOU TO SEE IF YOU CAN RENT A PLANE.

BUT DON'T LET ANYBODY KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOIN', OTHERWISE WE'RE DEAD MEAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WE," PALEFACE?

(Lowell) PSST, BRIAN.

YES, YES, YES, YES. WHAT IS IT, LOWELL?

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OVER. YOU FOUND MY PLANE?

EVEN BETTER.

BRIAN HACKETT, MEET PEGGY McCLOSKEY.

HOUSEWIFE, TOWN PSYCHIC.

OH, NO. YOU DIDN'T BRING ME A PSYCHIC. LOWELL!

MR. HACKETT, I'M NO CHARLATAN.

I'M JUST AN ORDINARY HOUSEWIFE WITH PARANORMAL POWERS

I CAN NEITHER EXPLAIN NOR CONTROL.

WHAT THE HELL? WHAT THE HELL?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY PLANE IS?

LET ME SEE.

NOW, THE PLANE WAS ONCE IN YOUR HANGAR.

WHOA! HAS SHE STEPPED OVER FROM THE OTHER SIDE OR WHAT?

I NEED TO FEEL SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN IN THE PLANE.

BRIAN'S BEEN IN THE PLANE.

PERFECT.

ATTENTION, WEARY TRAVELERS.

TIRED OF WAITING FOR FLIGHTS THAT NEVER LEAVE?

FLY AEROMASS'S COMFORT SERVICE TO BOSTON.

THE PLANE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE THE GATE. YOU CAN SEE IT. THERE IT IS.

FOLKS, FOLKS, FOLKS, FOLKS, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T GO.

WELL, GIVE US ONE GOOD REASON WHY WE SHOULDN'T.

ONE OF HIS PILOTS IS NARCOLEPTIC

AND THIS MAN CONSTANTLY DENIES IT.

HE'S LYING! SEE!

THE COVER-UP CONTINUES. PHENOMENAL. JUST HAVE A SEAT.

ALL OF YOU, YOUR FLIGHT WILL BE LEAVING SHORTLY.

MR. HACKETT.

DID YOU IT? YOU FIND THE PLANE?

OH, NO, BUT I HIT A HUGE POTHOLE OUT ON THE TAXIWAY.

MAN, I REALLY TRASHED MY BIKE.

OH, DEAR, I BETTER HAVE A LOOK.

IF YOU EVER EXPECT TO GET ANOTHER BOOKING FROM MY TRAVEL AGENCY,

YOU'D BETTER GET US OUT OF THIS DAMN TERMINAL.

AND MISS THE FLOOR SHOW? IT'S JUST ABOUT TO BEGIN.

OW! NOT THE IODINE.

IT STINGS! IT STINGS!

IF YOU TRAVEL WITH ME,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE METAL DETECTOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE SANDPIPER V.I.P. LOUNGE

IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE EXOTIC MUSICAL STYLINGS

OH! OF HELEN CHAPEL

AND HER ENCHANTED CELLO.

BRIAN, WHAT ARE YOU-- HELEN, YOU JUST HAVE TO

HELP ME STALL FOR A FEW MINUTES. NO, I DON'T.

YES, YOU DO. NO, I DON'T.

WELL, THEN, FINE. YOU'LL JUST SEE JOE ON CONJUGAL VISITS. FINE.

WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT? DON'T YOU SEE?

HE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS, HE KILLS ME, GOES TO PRISON,

AND THEN YOU'LL ONLY SEE HIM ONCE A MONTH IN THOSE SWEATY OLD TRAILERS.

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? THAT'S FINE. WHAT?

LOOK, HELEN, HELEN, HELEN, PLEASE. IF OUR RELATIONSHIP

MEANS ANYTHING TO YOU...

OK.

I LOVE YOU.

OH, AND, UH, DON'T PLAY ANY OF THAT CLASSICAL STUFF.

YOU KNOW, KEEP IT PEPPY, PEP...

HI. HI.

OYSTER CRACKERS. TAKE ONE. PASS 'EM ON. OYSTER CRACKERS.

ANY REQUESTS?

HOW ABOUT THE THEME SONG FROM MISSING?

I'M SORRY, BRIAN. DON'T TELL ME THAT.

I TALKED TO EVERY RENTAL OUTFIT ON THE ISLAND.

[cello playing] THERE ARE NO PLANES FOR RENT.

OH, GOD.

BUT IF YOU EVER NEED TO RENT A DIALYSIS MACHINE, I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.

I HAD JUST STEPPED OUT OF THE SHOWER

WHEN I HEARD THESE VOICES

SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT MOBY-DICK.

THERE THEY ARE!

THEY'RE THE ONES THAT BROKE INTO MY HOUSE.

AND THERE'S THE RINGLEADER.

UH, I'M--I'M NOT TAKING THE RAP FOR THIS, BRIAN.

UH, OFFICER, I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

NO...

[band playing]

ALMOST EVERYTHING.

[whistle blowing]

HELLO. I'M MR. GREELY,

DIRECTOR OF THE SIASCONSET HIGH MARCHING MULES.

HACKETT, WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE?

THINK I FORGOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

WHERE'S THE PLANE?

AH, THAT SEEMS TO BE THE QUESTION OF THE DAY.

IT WILL BE HERE SHORTLY.

JUST--JUST-- I TELL YOU WHAT, GUYS, IN THE VERNACULAR OF MUSIC,

[phone ringing] TAKE 5.

WHERE DO YOU WANT ESTHER?

ESTHER. JUST... CAN'T SHE WAIT IN HERE WITH THE REST OF YOU?

OK, IF YOU SAY SO.

HACKETT, THE CONTROL TOWER JUST CALLED.

I HAVE GOT A PLANE TRYING TO PARK

BUT YOUR JUNIOR PILOT LEFT HIS BIKE ON THE TAXIWAY.

MR. HACKETT, MY PATIENCE IS WEARING THIN.

[mule braying] YES...

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

(Greely) THAT'S ESTHER, THE MASCOT OF THE MARCHING MULES.

THINGS ARE STARTING TO UNRAVEL HERE.

THE BIKE. THE BIKE.

[cello playing]

FAY, WHAT IS ALL THIS?

JOE, YOU'RE BACK.

OH, YEAH, IT'S MUCH BETTER. THANKS.

NO, I MEAN YOU'RE BACK. YOU'RE HERE IN THE FLESH.

UH, YEAH, YEAH.

THE DOCTOR SENT ME HOME EARLIER THAN EXPECTED.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

UH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

JOE, YOUR BACK.

YES, LOWELL, I AM.

NO, I MEAN YOUR BACK. HOW IS IT?

FINE. IT'S FINE.

JOE, YOU'RE BACK.

YES, MY STUPID BACK IS FINE AND I'M HERE, DAMN IT!

NOW, WOULD YOU TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?

ALL RIGHT, HACKETT THAT'S IT. TIME'S UP.

[all chattering]

QUIET!

YOU'VE BEEN IN THE PLANE.

BRIAN, WE NEED TO TALK.

JOE. JOE, JOE, JOE.

I--I--I COULD GIVE YOU A VERY LONG SONG AND DANCE

ABOUT WHAT YOU SAW OUT THERE.

SOME OF IT MIGHT EVEN BE TRUE,

BUT--BUT IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO THIS.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, I DON'T KNOW HOW,

BUT THE PLANE

IS GONE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? THE PLANE IS...

HERE.

IT'S GONE HERE.

IT'S HERE NOW.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

OH! OH, THANK YOU, GOD.

WELL, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE HERE? OF COURSE, IT WAS GONE EARLIER, RIGHT?

YEAH. Y-YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

WELL, YEAH, THE GUYS FROM NEW BEDFORD CAME

AND TOOK IT OUT FOR ITS 100-HOUR CHECK, DIDN'T THEY?

THEY DID? THEY DID! OF COURSE, THEY DID.

WHY--WHY ARE YOU SO SURPRISED?

IT WAS ALL IN THE DAILY SCHEDULE.

THE DAILY SCHEDULE.

WHOA, I'M TELLING YOU, JOE,

'CAUSE WITHOUT THAT DAILY SCHEDULE,

I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.

THAT'S REALLY GOOD. THE DAILY SCHEDULE! LOOK.

I JUST HAVE A FEW LOOSE ENDS TO TIE UP OUT THERE.

AND BY THE WAY, DO WE HAVE ENOUGH PETTY CASH LYING AROUND FOR BAIL MONEY?

D-DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT THAT! YOU LOOK GREAT. GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.

[gasping] THE PLANE'S BACK! I KNOW THAT.

GOD LOVES ME.

HELEN, D-DID I SEE A MULE OUT THERE?

UH...

THE BAND AND THE--THE POLICEMAN AND THE WOMAN WITH THE...

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. BRIAN'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF THIS.

IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK. YEAH.

IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK. I THINK.

MMM, OH, OH, UH, CAREFUL.

DOCTOR PUT YOU ON MY LIST OF DON'TS FOR ANOTHER WEEK.

OH, RIGHT. SORRY.

JOE,

DIDN'T YOU USED TO HAVE HAIR ON YOUR ARMS?

(Joe) IT'S A LONG STORY.