Original subtitles

(person laughing)

(people droning)

(mellow soulful music)

♪ What's a man ♪

♪ Without a woman ♪

♪ A fire without a spark ♪

♪ Where would man be without a woman ♪

- I want breasts.

♪ Laying cold and in the dark ♪

- [Employee] How do you want 'em?

- Big.

And juicy.

- [Employee] Spicy or regular?

- Bouncy.

- [Employee] Anything else?

- A wing.

- [Employee] That's two spicy breasts and a wing.

- Binjo!

- [Employee] Drive through, please.

♪ Without a woman ♪

(car engine rumbling)

- Hey, Turk.

You wanna drink with that?

- Sure, how about a Sex on the Beach

followed by 12 orgasms?

- You know we don't have no liquor. (chuckles)

- Lick her? (scoffs)

I barely know her!

(employee scoffs)

(hand booms onto arm)

(upbeat rock music)

(tires squealing)

(upbeat rock music continues)

♪ Looking for some action on a Saturday night ♪

♪ I head out to the clubs, ladies looking so right ♪

♪ Buying fancy drinks, dropping pick up lines ♪

♪ Hours getting late, man, you're running out of time ♪

♪ First comes strike one ♪

♪ Then comes strike two ♪

♪ First strike you are out ♪

♪ What you gonna do ♪

- Oh, yeah.

♪ Look around the room ♪

♪ And he struts out from the can ♪

♪ Get your money out, here comes the wingman ♪

♪ Wingman, wingman ♪

♪ When the ladies leave you standing ♪

♪ With the drinks in your hand ♪

♪ It's time to close the deal with the wingman ♪

♪ Wingman ♪

- Turk Thompson. ♪ Wingman ♪

- Wingman.

♪ He's the wingman ♪

♪ Wingman ♪

(wing smacks forehead) - Ah!

♪ Wingman ♪

(Turk groans and chatters) ♪ Wingman ♪

(upbeat music)

- Nice face.

(upbeat music)

Yeah.

(upbeat music)

(arm whooshes)

(sighs) 2100 hours exactly.

Your, uh, wingman is now officially on the clock.

Tonight, I'm gonna get you laid

faster than an olive-oil soaked butt plug

bouncing down the side of Brokeback Mountain.

(upbeat music)

- So, how exactly does this work anyhow?

- You pick out the hottie you want,

we stride on up there.

And then, I build you up to the point

that you're so irresistible,

even a one-legged nun at a gopher hole festival

couldn't resist power-slamming you.

(upbeat music)

(arm whooshing)

I'll take out the Klingon friend,

then you're on your own.

(upbeat music)

- How do I know it works?

- Does an elephant know how to jerk itself off

with its own nose?

(upbeat music)

- I, I.

(upbeat music)

- Come on, let's go.

(upbeat music) (people laughing)

(brunette laughing)

- Hello, ladies.

(blonde gasps)

Can we, uh,

buy you some drinks?

- I don't know. Can you afford a bottle of Cristal?

- This is Todd Barker.

5'9", 186 pounds,

half Irish, two-thirds Italian,

1% Native American,

Navajo tribe.

Thanks for asking.

He works at a successful law firm downtown,

makes 49K a year,

10-year trajectory, 600K, annually.

Blood type O, no trace of disease

or mental illness in his gene pool,

although he does have a brother who once got arrested

for shooting through an Arby's drive-through window.

He's only been with three women.

Almost had a homosexual encounter

in a public restroom in Germany after he left college.

He's allergic to cats.

He doesn't snore.

He prefers steak over seafood.

And he's been circumcised.

Twice.

- Twice. (chuckles nervously)

- Any, uh, questions?

- Excuse us for a second.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

How did you know all this stuff?

- I'm good at my job.

- Okay, looks like we'll take that drink after all.

- I thought so.

(upbeat music)

- Hi. (upbeat music)

- (sniffs) What is that unbelievable smell?

Are you wearing cologne?

- It's just a little something I picked up

when I was in Paris.

Kindness, forgiveness, cherish,

KFC, number seven.

- You're fucking hot.

- I know.

- Hey there, gorgeous.

Do you work in a museum,

because you're a work of art?

(upbeat music)

(air whooshes) (Skip gasps)

- Ah, my face!

Ah! Ah!

- Upstairs, there's literally, like,

a flight piercing sound in the-

- Ugh! Ugh! - [Group] Whoa!

Whoa! - Oh my god.

- What is that? - Skip!

I like the new look!

Girls are into narwhals these days, right?

- You better not show up to our wedding like that.

You might steal my thunder.

- [Friend] Yeah, and pop all the balloons.

- Dude, come here, come here. - Just take it out,

please, please.

- [Terri] Oh!

(Skip grunts) - [Group] Oh!

- Am I pussing, am I pussing?

- No, it doesn't look good. - All right.

Okay, guys, guys, all right, a toast.

To Bob and Terri and your last few days of being single.

- Aw. - Okay, fine.

Here's to Bob and Terri,

the most obnoxiously cute couple I've ever met.

- [Holly] Mhmm. - Thank you.

- And here's to the world's best boss

becoming the world's best husband.

- Aw. - Okay, fine, my turn.

Here's to the most amazing girlfriend in the world,

and come next week, the most amazing wife.

Oh, most importantly, here's to closing the Alfab account!

(friends cheering) Finally!

(glasses clinking)

- Yeah! (friends laughing)

- Yeah! (everyone laughing)

(gentle rhythmic music)

- Hi.

Hello.

- [Terri] Hi.

- My name is Kazzim.

- Nice to meet you, Kazzim.

- Very beautiful woman.

Your skin is very beautiful.

It's like the chocolate

cascading down a Dairy Queen sundae.

No nuts, I hope, you know? (laughing)

Day and age. (chuckles)

These kids, nuts, no nuts.

I have nuts, they have nuts.

We all have nuts, everybody's nuts.

(Terri laughs)

- I don't think-

- Can I get you boys some shots?

- And staring in your eyes

is like staring at the beautiful stars in the sky.

- Wow.

Okay.

(friends laughing)

- Mm, these are good.

Thank you, man. - Hey.

- You know, one for my dead dog.

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- And we will make babies. (Terri chuckles)

We will have little Raju, Sangita.

(Terri chuckles) Rajinder.

Sandeep.

And don't forget Chandala.

He's our crippled one. - Oh.

- You can't have all good ones.

- Wow, that's... - I plan on breeding.

I want to win the breeders cup.

- That's, uh.

- I like your little flower there.

- Mhmm.

- Mm!

- I like your halitosis, shit breath.

(both laughing)

- Listen, I'm, I'm with someone, so.

- That, that guy?

- Right? (laughs) (friends laughing)

(glass thuds)

Ah! - That guy?

- Yeah, yeah, that guy.

- Are you sure?

Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

(upbeat music)

I would love to have the opportunity to win your heart.

Cheers. (glasses clinking)

Cohagala.

You know cohagala?

- It's Coca-Cola. - Ah ha, I had it wrong.

- Yeah.

(upbeat music)

- Mission accomplished.

Jumbo's in the parking lot eating chicken.

(upbeat music)

(Terri and Kazzim laughing)

- Terri!

Terri! - Still working

with the bottom feeders, huh?

(suspenseful western music)

It's okay, Turk.

You're gonna hit the big league someday.

- Suck a Shell station glory hole, Eddie.

- What did your client bag ya, tonight?

Five, 600?

(Bob vomiting)

(Bob sighs)

60K for that basket case.

- [Bob] Terri?

- His lady never stood a chance.

Hooked her up with one of my high rollers

in about 20 minutes.

Yeah.

And I'm the only wingman in town

that comes with a guarantee.

Why?

Because I'm that good.

I got a little something for you though.

(suspenseful western music)

- Terri!

Terri, where you are?

I miss you. (sighs)

(suspenseful western music)

- We'll see about your guarantee.

Asshole.

(Turk sips drink)

(gentle music)

- Terri? Is that you? (panting)

- Terri's gone, kid.

You want her back,

you call me.

You wanna forget about her and get some new tail,

call me, too.

(pen thuds)

(Bob groaning)

(phone ringing)

- Got it, Ms. Cromwell,

the Global Speedway presentation is coming along fine.

- [Ms. Cromwell] The presentation has to be flawless.

- Fast and full of energy.

- This client is building first-class race car tracks

across the globe.

We have to win this bid.

- Dimples.

- [Ms. Cromwell] What was that?

- (clears throat) Uh, simple.

It'll be simple, piece of cake.

- It better be.

Our future is in your hands, Bob.

(notification beeps) - Ye-

Oh. (clears throat)

- Yo, Bobby! - Hey.

- Bobby, boy! - Hey!

- Time for happy hour at O'Grady's.

- Hey, guys.

Look at those dimples, huh?

- Bob, it's been five months, dude.

- Terri ain't coming back.

And if you ask me,

better off now than if you guys got married.

- (laughs) You'll see.

She'll be back.

We had something.

- No, no, no.

Mr. Smooth Moves has something, all right.

Race cars, a Fortune 500 company, style.

She's gone, Bob, move on.

- Yeah, it's time for someone who's not so runaway bride.

- She's the only girl I've ever had.

The only girl I've ever had sex with!

- Jesus, we gotta get you laid.

- All right, let's go, come on, buddy.

- I got so much I gotta do. - Ah, it's time for shots!

Let's go. Tequila. - Come on.

- That can wait till tomorrow. - Tequila?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- There we go. - Yeah, I can use a drink.

♪ My story's like a sad, sad song ♪

♪ Well, she was here ♪ - Tequila!

♪ But now she's gone ♪

♪ Gonna keep drinking till I forget ♪

♪ So bartender, set 'em up again ♪

♪ As long as her memory hangs around ♪

♪ Just set 'em up and I'll break 'em down ♪

- Oh, remind me to stick to girly drinks from now on.

Okay? - Come on, Holly.

You can handle it.

Besides, you know the rule.

Remember, hmm, if you wanna be my assistant,

you have to?

- [Friends] Keep up with the boys.

- Oh, okay, well, thanks.

But I prefer men. - Ah.

- So you boys just carry on.

- All right, well, let's get down to business.

It's time to get Bob hooked up again.

- Come on, you guys.

You, you gotta just let it happen.

You can't manufacture love.

- It's true.

Phil Collins said you can't hurry it either.

- Yeah. (Holly scoffs)

- Redhead incoming at four o'clock.

- She's beautiful, but I'm good right now, man.

- Come on. - Go introduce yourself, bro.

- Oh, no, ah, right now?

- Ah, come on, we're going.

We're going, we're going, we're going.

- All right, all right. - That a boy.

- Have fun. - I believe in you. (laughing)

- I believe in you. - Thank you.

Howdy!

That was stupid, ah.

You know, I just wanted to,

you know, I saw you from my friends

and I just wanted to say hello.

- Look, I'm just, I'm really not in the mood, okay?

- Okay, sure.

She's not in the mood. - Be charming. Be funny.

- Be funny? - Yes.

- Come on, it's called happy hour,

not depressed hour. (laughs)

- Look, this is just a really bad time, okay?

- Come on, it's not like somebody died! (laughs)

Did they?

(drink splashes)

(people laughing)

- [Skip] It's all right, man.

♪ Just jack 'em up and I'll break 'em down ♪

- Yeah. - Nice.

- Wow. (Holly chuckles)

That went well, I see. - So you think she's the one?

- There's a possibility, I think.

(friends laugh)

♪ Well, I wonder what to do ♪

♪ As I sit and stare at you ♪

- Well, it looks like,

(exhales)

looks like it came out pretty clean.

Sorta.

- Hey, thanks for dropping me off, Holly.

Sorry I've been out of my mind.

It's just, you know.

- Yeah, I know.

Oh, um, this bizarre pen in your shirt pocket,

I almost washed it.

It's, um.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I've been holding on to that for months.

- "Get laid."

- The guy that gave it to me

said he could help me get Terri back.

He was there at the bar the night she dumped me.

But I don't, it's so stupid.

- Oh, wait, but you're not actually considering this,

are you? - No!

(scoffs) No.

- Okay, 'cause like a wingman?

(chuckles) What? Are you still in high school?

- I'll get rid of it. - Okay.

- Just, yeah. - Okay.

And not to be your mother, but come on, Bob.

Your place is a disaster area.

Like, look at this.

I found rat turds in the kitchen.

That's disgusting.

- Terri's the one, Holly.

I'm telling you, she's just going through

some stuff right now.

She's gonna,

she'll be back. (gentle music)

(Holly sighs)

(glasses clattering)

My place is falling apart.

It's okay.

(gentle music)

- You know, Bob,

sooner or later you're gonna have to move on.

There are other good people out there in the world.

You just gotta go looking. - No.

No. No.

See, I think you saw tonight,

I don't know how to move on.

I'll get Terri back, you'll see.

Mark my words.

- Why would you even want her?

(Holly sighs)

- What did you say?

- Uh, goodnight, Bob.

- Oh, yeah. Goodnight.

- Yeah. - Oh, and Holly.

- Yep?

- Say "Hi" to Tim for me. ♪ Crying eyes just for you ♪

- Yeah.

Sure, Bob.

I'll tell him, "Hello."

(heels clacking)

♪ Still got crying eyes for you ♪

♪ Still got crying eyes for you ♪

♪ 'Cause I've got crying eyes for you ♪

- Wingman.

What have I got to lose?

♪ Still got crying eyes for you ♪

♪ Still got crying eyes for you ♪

(vehicles whirring)

♪ Sh-doop, sh-doo ♪

♪ Sh-doop, sh-doo ♪

♪ Sh-doop, sh-doo ♪

♪ Oh ♪

(pickle whooshing)

(pickle smacks) - Ow!

- Hey, Numbfuck! - What the?

- Over here.

- Ah.

Was that really necessary?

- How you doing, partner?

Turk Thompson.

Wingman. - Hey.

Bob Erdman, junior executive at the-

- Yeah, yeah, I know who you are.

- You do? - Drink up.

Got ya a Coke.

- Oh, that's awfully kind of you, thank you. (laughs)

- Now, how many, uh,

women you've been with?

(Bob scoffs)

- (swallows) One.

(Turk gagging)

- Are you cereal?

- Yeah, but I mean, she was the love of my life.

And a few months ago-

- Oh, yeah. I saw.

And as much as I despise Eddie,

he ran the old shot and shitter perfectly.

Ha, works every time.

- Shot and shitter? I don't understand.

- Yeah, he was buying you shots all night, right?

You were just pounding them down.

And when you're in the shitter puking your guts out,

his client is walking away with your girl.

- Oh my god!

That's exactly what happened.

That's, how did I not?

Am I that stupid?

- Love makes you stupid, kid.

You, uh, sure you want her back again?

♪ Dreams come true ♪

♪ Sh-doop, sh-doo ♪

- Thanks, baby lumps.

(waitress giggles)

Leave it to me.

We'll get your fiance back.

- Okay, you know what?

I'm in.

I'll drink to that. (laughs)

- First things first.

How big's your cock?

(Bob spits)

The size of a man's hot dog

tells me just about everything I need to know about him.

- Hot dog?

- Look, I don't do business with guys with small cocks.

They're too angry.

Now, guys that are too big, on the other hand,

think they know more than me and they don't listen.

And that's when things go wrong!

(Bob gags)

- I mean, it makes sense. (coughs)

- Here's what I need you to do, Broccoli Teeth.

I need you to take these onion rings down into the john.

Stack them on the bald cyclops,

and let me know the count.

- The count? Are you fucking nuts, man?

- Okay, been nice meeting you, kid.

Good luck with everything.

- Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Just sit down.

Just...

Look, what do you need me to do?

- Stack 'em on Mushroom Mountain.

14 is too many,

and under three is a deal breaker.

- I can't just stack onion rings on my,

my cock, man.

Besides, I'm not even.

- What?

- Hard.

- You, uh, sure about that, Charlie Candy Cane?

- Am I sure?

I think I would know if I have a boner!

Oh!

- Viagra.

I put three of them in your Coke.

I like to get the, uh, technical stuff

out of the way right at the top.

- You're nuts! You're a madman!

This is a huge mistake!

- Calm down, Space Ranger.

We are gonna get your fiance back.

Now, stack 'em!

(faucet water hissing) (tense music)

(door squeaking)

(door thuds)

(faucet water hissing) (tense music)

(belt buckle jingling)

(zipper whizzes)

(pants flopping onto floor)

(faucet water hissing) (tense music)

(Bob sighs)

- What the hell am I doing?

(suspenseful music)

(exhales) Okay.

Come on, Bob.

(onion ring hisses)

Oh!

(Bob heavily breaths)

- Pervert! (Bob screams)

- Asshole.

Should've let 'em cool off first.

(Bob screaming)

(Bob shrieking)

- [Bob] Oh!

God!

♪ I got a greasy ring of fire ♪

♪ And it's flaming in my pants ♪

♪ It stings and it burns ♪

♪ Like a nest of army ants ♪

- Eight. - Ha, not bad.

Looks like we, uh, we got ourselves a deal.

- Do you think we can maybe stop

and, like, get some ice or something?

- Only thing that's gonna work for that is Slurpee anal.

- Slurpee anal?

- Yeah.

Large Slurpee, lid,

flip it upside down.

(knife flicks)

Cut in an asshole, put it back on your lap.

And stuff it like a taxidermist stuffing a dead bobcat.

- (scoffs) Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

(tires squealing)

♪ Don't go fall in love ♪

♪ If you can't take the heat ♪

♪ I got a greasy ring of fire ♪

♪ And it's burning so damn hot ♪

♪ I thank the Lord above ♪

♪ That I don't gotta squat ♪

(Turk sniffs) (Bob's voice quivers)

- What is that?

Is that Raspberry Sunblast?

- Uh, no, this is Goofy Grape.

- Oh, that's gonna stain.

- What? - Yeah.

You're gonna have Smurf cock.

- Smurf cock? Jesus Christ!

Look, maybe this whole thing was just a bad idea.

- Listen, Forehead Face.

I take my job very seriously and I ain't lost a client yet.

We are gonna get you laid,

and then we're gonna get your fiance back.

- What if she doesn't want me back? What if-

(care engine revving) (car horn honks a lively tune)

- She will want you back!

One grand up front and the rest when we finish.

- Deal. Deal.

(car engine revving) (tires squealing)

I gotta say, Turk.

This car's a bit of a throwback.

You don't see these around much anymore.

- That's 'cause most people can't handle 'em.

Only someone who understands speed

can drive the orgasm-mobile.

- Orgasm-mobile?

- Yep, and that's her G-spot right there. (laughing)

You touch her just right.

Whisper sweet nothings in her ear.

And there ain't a car alive that can catch her! (laughing)

Oh, what's that, baby, hm?

Oh, mm, oh yeah.

Mm, Daddy hears ya.

(button squeaking) Mmm.

Like a bit of that Cajun blackened catfish,

Honey Child?

Oh, Daddy gon touch you tonight, Baby Love.

Mm, oh, yeah. (button squeaking)

Oh, baby. (fingers tapping)

(Turk groaning)

- Turk, Turk, but... - Shut up!

Ee, I'm in the middle of cunnilingus!

That's right, oh, oh, like a piece of bubble gum

under a school boy's desk.

Mmm.

Mm, Baby Love.

Mm, Daddy got the Cajun catfish finger, Baby Love.

- That's, look, Turk. - Yeah, shut up.

Mm. (groaning)

Oh.

(Turk moaning)

Little Puffy Puff.

- Turk, Turk, listen. - Puffy, Puffy, Puffy Puff.

(Turk moaning)

- Turk, Turk, listen!

I'm already late for a meeting!

- Late? - Yeah.

- Are you fucking cereal?

A wingman's never late!

Hold on, Onion Rings!

(mechanism whirs) - Whoa!

- Ah!

(tires squealing) (Turk laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Oh! (Turk laughing)

(car horn honks a lively tune)

(upbeat music)

(tires squealing)

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

(Turk laughing) ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ - Ah!

(tires squealing)

(Turk yells) (upbeat music)

(Bob panting) (upbeat music)

Oh! (upbeat music)

(upbeat music ending)

How in the hell did you do that? (panting)

- I make my own special fuel, kid.

Yeah, even installed an extra tank.

This shit's stronger than nitrous oxide,

but it only lasts about as long as a human orgasm

so you can only use it in real emergencies.

- You make your own gasoline?

So what, now you're an expert in women and cars?

- Well, they're pretty much the same thing.

Keep 'em lubed, you,

you ride 'em fast,

and you trade 'em in

before there's too many cracks in the upholstery.

You, uh, you better get to work, kid.

- Yeah. (swanky music)

(Bob groaning)

(car door thuds)

(car engine cranks)

(car engine rumbling)

It was crazy, man, you wouldn't believe it.

- You gotta hire him, bro.

You got nothing to lose.

- This guy's more of a wing nut than a wingman.

- Look, if you want Terri back and he can help,

then who cares, right?

- I guess. - I'll research him.

I'll Google his ass big time

until I know everything about him.

- You're the man, Skip.

(gentle music)

(phone rings)

(call ringing) (birds squawking)

- This is Bob.

- Tonight, eight o'clock at the Grand.

Nice shirt and tie, Choir Boy.

What'd you do, rob a trailer park?

(tense music)

(blinds sliding)

I still see you. (blinds sliding)

Coffee stains. (blinds sliding)

Fly's open. (blinds thudding)

(zipper whizzes)

(sighs) Sweet freckled lasagna.

- Hmm?

I like a pop of red, but I don't know with this outfit.

Maybe it's this one?

- Uh, yeah, I don't know, I trust you.

I always let Terri pick up my clothes for me, so.

- And why is that?

- Well, you're my assistant.

You know how busy I am.

I feel like shopping's just this big time waster.

- Sometimes the time wasters are the most important things

in a relationship, Bob.

- Oh, so you're telling me

if I had helped her pick out the candles for our wedding,

then maybe she would've stayed, hmm.

- You'd be surprised.

It's the little things, Bob.

The special things.

(gentle music)

♪ It's such a mystery ♪

- Yeah, we had special things.

We like had,

in the mornings,

I used to, uh, call her my morning bird

and I would whistle sweet nothings into her ear,

a little something like...

(whistles like a songbird)

(Bob continues whistling like a songbird)

- Caw! Caw!

- I used to do crow calls as a little girl, so.

- I love that. - Mhmm.

- I didn't know that.

Holy shit, it's Terri.

(gentle music)

- Passion!

- Ooh.

Obsession!

- Mm, a squirter.

- Mm.

- That's him.

That's the guy that stole Terri from me.

- Poison. - Seduction.

- Ooh!

J-Lo. - Oh.

O.J.

- Mmm.

- Killer, it smells killer.

- Oh, look what they're wearing.

They're matching.

(both humming)

- Yeah, it's almost like

they might have gone shopping together

or, as you would say, a time-waster.

- Mm.

Ooh!

Come to Me. - Ooh.

- Does that smell like come to you?

- Ooh, yes.

(bell dings)

- Give me all your Come.

I need you to come to me so I can get the Come to Me,

and we can go once we get all the Come.

I'll be right back, darling.

- Okay! - Can you gift wrap the Come?

- Oh, he's leaving, he's leaving.

- Shouldn't... - I gotta go.

Shh, Holly! - Shouldn't, oh my god.

(gentle suspenseful music)

(perfume thuds)

- So you left me for this clown?

- Bob, what are you doing here?

- I can't believe you, Terri.

You're gonna walk away from a good thing

for a guy that likes perfume?

What are you doing?

- This isn't the time.

(perfume box thuds)

- Oh, now's not the time?

But walking out on our wedding a week before it happens,

that's the time?

Is that how you like to do it?

- You know, I didn't just walk out, Bob.

It was a long-time coming.

(perfume box thuds)

- What do you mean a long time coming?

We were happy!

- Really? - Yeah!

You weren't?

You weren't... - No.

- Well, I had no idea you were unhappy!

- Exactly.

- But you're my morning bird.

Remember?

(Bob whistling like a songbird)

- I have to go.

(perfume box thuds)

- Well, okay, then I have to go, too.

You know, you're not the only one with hookups, okay?

I got a lot of girls.

So many girls, I had to ice my dick the other day.

And your man's not the only one that can grab a perfume.

Ooh, Come to Me by Ron Jeremy.

It's so hard.

Look, oh. (perfume hisses)

(Bob yells)

Ah, I got Come in my eyes! - I've heard enough.

- There's Come! Ugh! - (sighs) Bob.

- Terri, listen, okay?

It's the little things, you know.

- It's the... - Hey.

- Oh. - Yeah, not Terri.

- Mhmm. - Let's put this back.

Love stinks, Bob.

Sorry!

(upbeat music)

(rhythmic music)

- Have you been crying?

(Turk sniffing)

You smell like my aunt.

(sniffs) Is that Come to Me?

- No, it's allergies.

- Oh, well, I hope you ain't allergic to hotties.

Take a look at the boofay tonight.

Go ahead, pick one out.

- Pick one out?

It's not that easy.

- Come on.

- What makes you such an expert on women anyways?

- POP.

Power of the Pussy.

- (scoffs) Did you get that in like a gumball machine?

- Well, scoff if you will, one-timer,

but pussy rules the universe.

- More like money rules the universe.

- Oh, come on, man.

Everything men do is because of the pussy.

You think they want fame, power, money,

just for the sake of it?

Shit, no!

They know that all that crap leads to pussy.

- You know, we evolved from cavemen

like thousands and thousands of years ago, right?

- Well, can't ignore your primality.

- It's not a word.

- See anything you like?

- She's beautiful.

(blonde slurps lips)

(upbeat music)

- Look, have you seen that Julia Roberts movie?

"Eat, Pray, Love."

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, now you're looking at the sequel,

"Eat, Eat, Eat."

Come on, man, I have a reputation to uphold!

- Come on, she seems...

(blonde grumbling)

- Oh. - Mother of all Manatees.

(blonde grumbling)

- Mmm. (Bob gasps)

Yep, uh, blonde at the booth.

She's beautiful.

- Oh.

Binjo!

- Like, I wasn't that drunk. (laughing)

(ladies laughing)

- Hello, ladies.

Didn't expect to see anyone sitting in our koala booth,

but hey, it happens.

- Koala booth?

- Yeah, you know, donated by the zoo.

Kind of like a, like a hospital wing, ha.

Everybody knows about the, uh, the koala booth.

- Wait, you're from the zoo and work with koalas?

Oh my god.

Here, sit down.

We didn't mean to take your booth.

- Well, don't mind if we poo. (chuckles)

(Turk and ladies chuckling)

- Oh my god, so koalas.

What are they like?

- Oh, they're the cutest little fuckers ever.

Like, little hairy Italian babies.

- You get to hold them?

- Oh, of course.

Say hello to Butterbuns.

One of the only albino koalas on the whole planet.

- [Both] Aw! So white.

- White like a bleached asshole

staring you in the eye on a moonless night at a Motel 6.

- I love a bleached asshole.

- You have a koala, for Christ's sake?

- [Both] Aw.

- I keep a bottle of eucalyptus juice in the glove box.

Just spray it all over her.

That little white bastard will cling to her

like a dingleberry on a truck driver's ass hair.

- Aw. - Aw, I wanna hold him.

- Well, you know, they don't do well

with all the, uh, the noise and the commotion.

So, uh, listen, why don't you take her down to the car

and show her little Butterbuns, Bob?

- Oh my god, really?

- Let's go.

- Oh, okay. (laughing)

Oh my god!

- Ah, isn't he cute? - Oh, yeah.

- White, fluffy.

Like a tampon that's been left out in the rain. (laughing)

(both moaning)

- Yes, okay.

- When can I meet the koala?

- The, uh, koa, yeah!

The, um, right.

- Is he fucking over here? - Oh, yeah!

- This should get him out.

(spray hissing) (Aboriginal Australian music)

- Oh, yeah.

(Butterbuns sniffing)

- Whew!

- While we're waiting,

let's see if I can get the python

to come out of the reptile house, Mr. Zookeeper.

- Oh, that's me. - Oh, yeah.

You got some venom down there for Mommy?

- I don't know. - Oh, yeah!

A big python.

Oh my god! It's purple!

- Oh my god!

- Ah! (spray hissing)

Ah!

(date screaming)

- Oh my god!

(car horn honks a lively tune)

(Bob yelling)

I don't know what to do!

(fist smacking) (Butterbuns pattering)

(date screaming) (Butterbuns pattering)

No!

(date screaming) (Butterbuns pattering)

Help! Please!

(date screaming) (Butterbuns pattering)

Butterbuns! Down! (car horn honks a lively tune)

(date screaming) (Butterbuns pattering)

(light pole pings)

Oh!

(Butterbuns grunting)

Stop!

(Butterbuns grunting)

He's fucking her face!

(Butterbuns grunting)

Koala rape!

(Butterbuns grunting)

Koala fucking!

(Butterbuns grunting)

Please! Help!

(car horn honks a lively tune)

- Wait. What the hell?

She screamed? - Yeah.

My cock is purple, Turk.

Don't you remember the goofy grape Slurpee idea you had?

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're telling me you still have Smurf cock?

- Yeah.

- You didn't, like, douche it in vinegar or something?

- What? Douche it off with vinegar?

No, more like why did I let you convince me

to put onion rings on my dick in the first place?

(Turk laughing)

It's not funny, Turk.

(Turk laughing)

(Bob and Turk laughing)

It is kind of funny if you think about it.

(Bob and Turk laughing)

- Hey, I got a box of donuts in the back.

You wanna try those?

(Bob and Turk laughing)

- I got, like, second-degree burns on my dick.

- [Turk] It's like a deep-fried totem pole.

- Yeah! (Bob and Turk laughing)

(Bob and Turk laughing)

Where do you come up with this shit?

I mean, albino koalas?

- Hey, it's what I do, junior.

It's my job.

- Well, you're damn good at it, I gotta tell you that.

I gotta ask, why? All this, why?

I mean, you're a fully grown adult

and yet you do this for a living?

What am I missing here?

Not that there's anything wrong with what you do,

it's just, like, I don't know, come on.

It's not like they teach wingman classes at DeVry.

(laughs) Fail, you know? (laughs)

- Hey!

(tires squealing)

Failing's for guys that don't complete their missions.

I will complete my mission,

so don't ever say fail to me again, ever!

- Relax, Turk, I was just asking.

- Yeah, okay.

Listen,

we're here to get you laid.

Not talk about my personal life.

- Okay, understood.

Oh, and Turk. - Yeah.

- Sorry about losing Butterbuns.

- Don't worry, he always comes home to Daddy.

Shorty's Sports Bar,

tomorrow, after work.

- [Bob] Got it.

(car engine cranks and rumbles)

- Come on, there's gotta be something on this guy.

(keyboard keys clacking) Turk Thompson.

- What are you doing, baby?

It's late, come to bed.

- You ever hear of a wingman, baby?

- Yeah, of course.

- You have? - Sure.

I have an uncle that's a wingman.

- Can I meet him? - Yes, anything.

Just come to bed.

(Megan giggling)

Mmm. (chuckles)

(TV crowd cheering)

(upbeat rock music)

- I didn't know hot women came to sports bars.

- Oh yeah, they like to hunt here.

You, uh, you enjoying the dip?

- Oh yeah, it's a little gooey, but-

- Yeah, 'cause that's my hair gel.

(Bob gags)

Okay now, let's see.

No, that one's got a crooked leg.

Maybe you, not that one.

- You know, I've been meaning to ask you, Turk.

You clearly have all these women figured out.

How are you with the ladies?

You must have like a million girlfriends.

- No, I keep it simple.

Just one, you, uh, you wanna meet her?

- Sure, yeah.

Is she here?

- Say hello to Betty.

- Oh, what the hell is that?

- Betty, this is Bob.

Bob, this is Betty.

- Turk, please, people are eating.

- Listen, kid, she's the perfect girl.

She doesn't need to go to dinner.

She doesn't need to go shopping.

She, uh,

keeps me satisfied.

- What, do you just carry that thing

around with you all the time?

- Listen, kid, the vagina's like a magic amulet,

turns men into zombies.

Yeah, wherever it goes, they go.

Power of the pussy, baby.

No man can resist. - What the?

- Dog rescue reject coming in hard.

Yeah, I see her at every social event in town.

So here's what we're gonna do,

I'll use Betty to take out the jock meatheads

and you go in for the kill.

(jocks and Valencia speaking faintly)

Excuse me, boys.

Okay.

- Yeah, why don't you watch where you're going, asshole?

- Oh, why don't you watch this, hm?

(mesmerizing music) Come on, boys, come on.

Come on.

- Hello. - Hi.

- How are you?

(mesmerizing music)

- Hey, what are we doing out here?

Let's kick this old dude's ass!

(upbeat thrilling music)

(Turk grunts)

(body smacks in wall)

(upbeat thrilling music)

(Turk grunts)

(body thumps) (trash clanking)

(mesmerizing music)

(Turk grunts)

(upbeat thrilling music)

(thug grunts)

(trash bin lid thuds)

- [Stranger] Hey, wingman, you got time for one more?

(suspenseful music)

- Jesus, there's always one that won't stay down.

(thrilling mellow music)

Fuck me tender in the night.

- You left your asshat alone in there.

A wingman never leaves his man.

- But I had, I had enemy combatants coming in on all sides.

There was, 'cause they were, they were all-

(thrilling mellow music ending)

(gentle mellow music) (sirens blaring in background)

- It's really interesting.

- I know. - Yeah.

- Well, my last dog died.

- Oh no. - Yeah.

- That's unfortunate. - I know.

Oh, no, that's so sad.

How did he die, your dog?

- Hit by a bus. - A greyhound?

- No, it was a chihuahua. - Oh.

- Yeah. (sobs)

- Look, you show her tears, she's all yours.

- I can't cry on demand.

- All right, this is gonna sting, but it will get you tears.

- Ow!

Fuck!

(drink sloshing)

(Bob sobbing)

- You. - Yeah.

- You're crying.

- So sad.

(both moaning)

- One sec. - Yeah.

Oh, no, you don't have-

(Valencia slurping)

Oh god.

Oh, mm-mm, mm-mm.

(Bob coughing)

- Is he okay? - Just emotional.

He, uh,

he also had a chihuahua. - Oh, yeah?

- Died in a horrible lawnmower accident.

Meat everywhere. - Oh my god.

- Yeah.

You know what the irony is? - Yeah?

- Dog's name was Taco. - Taco.

- The little bugeyed, trembly bastard.

- Oh my god, Taco? (sobs)

(Bob gags)

(car engine rumbling)

- Turk, you're awfully quiet.

You okay?

(car engine rumbling)

Like you've seen a ghost or something.

(gentle music)

- Yeah, maybe I did.

(gentle music)

Doesn't matter, time for new targets.

No more dog ladies, it's time for cats.

We're headed to Cougar Country.

(cougar yowls) (upbeat music)

(car engine rumbling)

(cougar yowls) (upbeat music)

(gentle mellow music)

Barbara Botox at six o'clock.

(gentle mellow music)

Let's go.

(gentle mellow music)

Hello, Lord Greystoke, uh,

beautiful art, isn't it?

This is Bob, he's an artist.

- It is so sensual. - Mhmm.

You know, I paint, um-

- Nudes.

- Dog lady at three o'clock.

I told you she's everywhere.

(dog whimpering)

Can't let her see you.

Time to D and D.

Divert. Distract.

(gentle mellow music)

- You know, how about I grab us a couple drinks?

No, let me. (flaps tongue quickly)

(gentle mellow music)

- There's nothing there.

- Well, maybe to an albino.

It's like a tampon that's been hit by a steamroller.

- [Valencia] Oh.

- Bro, what are you doing here?

- Skip. - I've been searching the net

for days on your wingman guy,

and I can't find anything.

- Do you think he's on the run?

You think he's like a criminal?

- I'm not sure, I might have to go on the dark web.

Megan has an uncle that might be able to help,

so I'll set up a lunch meeting.

- Okay, got it.

- Nice suit.

(gentle mellow music)

- I like old (indistinct).

- Well. (dog whimpers)

So do ghosts. (gentle mellow music)

(gentle mellow music stops abruptly)

- I give you nothing.

(patrons clapping)

We are all nothing.

You are nothing.

I am

nothing.

(patrons gasping)

(gentle mellow music)

- Oh.

- So what do you think of the art? (laps drink)

- It is all in the mind, people.

We are all but fragments.

For what is a man with no legs?

What is a woman with one arm?

- A 50/50 shot at a hand job where I come from?

(Nothing popping)

(Nothing clicking)

(Nothing popping)

(Nothing clicking and popping)

(Turk chirps) (patrons clapping)

(Madame Glaze lapping drink)

- What you're saying is everything is nothing.

- Exactly.

You see, am I petting this dog?

- Yeah.

- Or am I petting nothing?

Am I touching this man's face?

Or am I touching nothing?

Am I holding this furried animal?

Or am I holding nothing?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give to you nothing! (dog growling)

- Here's something! (dog whimpers)

(blood splatters) (Valencia screams)

(patrons yelling)

- Know anywhere quiet we could go?

(patrons yelling)

(upbeat mellow music)

(upbeat mellow music ends)

- I have to warn you, my place is a bit of a disaster area.

Had I known you were coming I-

(gentle music)

- Well, if this is messy,

I'd love to see what clean looks like.

- Yeah, right.

- Mm. - Oh, okay.

- Come on. - Oh, uh,

well, why don't you make yourself comfortable.

I'll get us some drinks.

- [Holly] "Hey, Bob, here's all the work

for your presentation.

I hope you don't mind, I straightened up a little.

P.S. Watch out for the rat traps, Holly."

♪ Ooh, sexy lady ♪

- So I-

(Madame Glaze growling)

- Well.

What took you so long?

I'm more swollen than cheese puffs in an air fryer.

(Bob thumps onto couch)

- Oh my god.

(Bob mumbling)

- Mmm. (Bob mumbling)

Ah. (Bob mumbling)

Ah. (Bob mumbling)

You feel good.

- Oh!

(Madame Glaze growls)

I, you know, I just think we're moving a little bit fast.

- Good.

I like it fast.

It's party time, Pinky.

♪ Do that thing that you know how to do ♪

- Ooh.

Oh, no, no.

(Bob slaps couch)

(hand smacks butt) Ah!

- You're a very lucky man, Bob.

No blood vessels have been ruptured.

- Look, does everyone have to be in here?

- Though I've never seen such rampant purple bruising.

(gentle mellow music)

- Really?

(everyone laughing)

(gentle mellow music ends)

- All right, that was a mild setback.

We're gonna let the purple-asaurus rest for a night,

and then we're back on it tomorrow.

- Yeah. - Dress real nice.

We're going for some, uh,

Wall Street beaver.

(Turk chatters)

- Wall Street beaver?

- We'll get your girl back, Onion Rings.

You'll see.

(car engine cranks and rumbles)

(tires squealing) (car horn honks a lively tune)

- Holly, I couldn't believe how clean my place was.

You didn't have to do that.

- Yeah, you know, I did.

I was having nightmares about it,

and I pictured your apartment getting worse and worse,

and turning into the blob.

(Bob laughing)

And devouring the whole city.

(both laughing)

(Holly sighs)

(gentle music)

- What?

(gentle music)

What are you looking at?

- Nothing, no, uh.

Did you do something different with your hair?

- Yeah.

I brushed it, you should try it sometime.

Two days until the presentation, Mister.

You ready? - I'm getting there.

I'm, uh, on it all night.

Your research as been a big help.

Thanks, Holly. - Hey, it's what I do.

- Oh, and Holly. - Hmm?

- Tell Tim I wanna rematch on "Halo," all right.

- Yeah, um,

look, Bob, Tim and I-

- Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, my man.

Better join me for lunch, pal.

I got the goods on your wingman.

License plate panned out.

- [Bob] What are we doing at an airplane museum?

- [Skip] We're here to meet a wingman.

Megan's uncle, Corey.

- Skip, right?

- Corey.

(wheelchair thuds) - Oh!

- You all right, you all right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, give me a hand here, Turkey Legs.

Jesus, ah, let's go on a tour.

The other way, the other way, you goof case.

All right, let's go, boys.

- You're not still doing the wingman thing?

Are you, Uncle Corey?

- Hell no, that's a young man's game.

- Have you ever heard of a Turk Thompson?

- He's a wingman.

- I've never heard of the guy.

Who'd he fly with?

Is he out of Camp Pendleton?

- Uh, no, we're talking about like a wingman.

- So am I, Vietnam War, I flew 32 missions over Khe Sanh.

Some say that the wingman was the most dangerous role

in the whole military,

but I was just doing my job.

- Uh, listen, when you say wingman,

what exactly are you, like, referring to though?

- We flew in pairs, protected the fighter bombers

so they could carry out the missions!

A lot of us never came home, bugeyes!

All right, Tinsel Tits, follow me.

(upbeat military music)

- What about chicks?

Did you guys ever pick up chicks at bars?

- What are you talking about, you pervert?

Flora and I have been together for 65 years!

Jesus!

(planes roaring)

Boys, you wanna go on a bombing run?

Ha-ha, yeah.

(upbeat military music)

(gentle jazz music)

- Hey, Turk.

I thought you said to dress up.

- Yeah, and?

- You look good. - Look,

these chicks run with a tough crowd, all right?

They're smart, most of them have degrees.

But if you can bag a smart chick,

you can get just about anyone.

- Do you have to make it sound so greasy?

What if I just try being myself?

- How the hell you gonna do that?

- I always wanted to go fly fishing with a girl, you know?

You know, just two people out in the wilderness,

out in nature?

No bars, no pickup lines,

just two people being themselves.

- Ugh.

(Turk pattering)

Are you freaking cereal right now?

This isn't 1942.

Those kind of girls don't exist anymore.

Don't be an idiot.

Pay attention.

Do as I say, take this.

- What the hell am I supposed to do with this?

- Girls in this place are, uh, thinkers.

They need stimuli to get their juices going.

Come on.

There's your mark, let's go.

- Fossil fuels got us this far.

I think we're gonna be okay.

- No, you can't argue with science.

Greenhouse gases are real.

- Did somebody say gases?

(Turk farting)

Hey, uh, what's your name, guy?

- Tim Ryder.

- Ride her?

I barely know her.

Check it out, I can fart your name.

(Turk farting) Tim Ryder.

- Hey, do you wanna get some fresh air?

- Let's get out of here. - Please.

Yeah. - What's the matter with you?

- Hey, where's everybody going?

- Whew!

What was up with that guy, amirite?

- Thought he was with you? - No, sort of.

- Sort of? - Not really.

- Was he or wasn't he? - Not really.

- Wow, indecisive and a liar.

Charming first qualities, goodnight.

- Okay, wait.

Okay, I admit, I used him as a diversion

so I could talk to you.

- Farting people's names?

Oh, that's quite the tactic.

- Oh, no, that part I didn't know.

- Okay, so you got me away from everybody.

What's your next move?

- Move?

- Look, um, what's your name?

- I'm Bob.

- Bob? - Yeah.

- Bob, I've been hit on by everybody

from doctors to lawyers.

Okay, I'm not looking for a booty call,

or a sexting daddy, friends with benefits.

- Oh no, I, I, I wasn't trying to be like-

- What? You just wanna get to know me?

Find out who I really am deep down inside?

I've heard it all before, Bob.

Not all women are as stupid and predictable

as you want them to be.

- Okay, all right, you know what?

You got me, you're 100% right.

You want me to be real? Let's be real.

I came in here tonight with the farting guy

so I could hit on smart girls like you,

and I used him as a diversion.

- A wingman, huh?

How pathetic are you? - I'm not pathetic.

I'm just a little lonely and a little hurt,

and sure I was trying to get a little action.

- Oh, and so now you've come clean, I'm what?

Supposed to like you for it?

♪ To blame, love is just a game ♪

- Have you ever been fly fishing?

'Cause I'd love to go fly fishing with you.

- Fly fishing? - Yeah.

- (laughs) Wait.

That has got to be the lamest pickup line ever.

Wow, fly fishing?

Oh, oh, oh gee.

Oh, you got me!

- Okay, wait.

I was hoping you could help me with this.

♪ So you play it all again ♪

- [Sarah] Hmm, nicely played, Bob.

Drink?

- The best way to get a smart chick is to-

- Let her think she's smarter than you.

(upbeat jazz music)

- Well, well, well.

If it isn't the world's sleaziest wingman.

- The Elk Room.

Let me guess, the old Rubik's, to get in her pubes, Cube.

Who's the client?

- Take a good look, Cow Tits.

(Bob and Sarah laughing)

(upbeat jazz music)

- Suck my sister's leg braces.

I think I know that kid. - Yeah, you do.

I'm getting my client, his fiance back, Sea Otter Balls.

- We'll see about that, Turk.

(tense music)

(clock bonging) (tense music)

(tense music)

- This has been a long time coming.

(tense music)

- When the clock chimes 10:30, we draw.

(tense music)

- Bring it, Cold Slaw Sack.

(tense music) (clock ticking)

(tense music)

(tense music) (clock ticking)

(tense music)

(tense music) (clock ticking)

(tense music) (toothpick whooshing)

(tense music) (clock ticking)

(clock bongs)

(head whooshing)

(tense music)

(toothpick whooshes)

(upbeat tense music)

(toothpick whooshes)

(tense music)

(cap squeaking and clicking)

(upbeat tense music)

(Eddie grunts and blows)

(Turk grunts)

- It burns.

It burns.

(Turk gasping faintly)

(gentle mellow music)

- There's two kinds of wingmen, Wingman.

Ones who can take the heat,

and the ones who fail their mission

and let life slap 'em in the face with its balls.

(gentle mellow music)

(balls whooshing)

(balls smacking face)

(Turk grunting)

(gentle music)

(Turk grunts)

- Daddy's home.

(upbeat tense music)

- No.

(toothpicks pecking) (Eddie grunting)

(Eddie thuds and grunts)

Oh, shit.

No. No.

(toothpick thuds) (Eddie grunts)

- Binjo, asshole.

(doors squeaking)

- On the floor now!

- Hey, hold on, Hawaii Five-O, show's over.

(spray hissing) (Turk groaning)

(car engine rumbling)

- Can't believe you know the guy that helped steal my fiance

and you didn't say anything!

- Just get me home, all right?

And be careful, I've never let anyone else

drive the orgasm-mobile before.

- Oh yeah? (tires squealing)

- Ah!

What the hell was that?

- That was a pothole!

Oh, look, another one coming up,

so you better start talking.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No more potholes! - Who is he?

- All right.

He's a guy just like me, does what I do.

Look, I always have my client's back.

I always complete the mission.

- Oh, and you, you really had my back tonight, didn't you?

I mean, I finally had the perfect girl.

She was ready to come home and close the deal.

As stupid as your Rubik's Cube idea was, it worked.

But then you had to get all "Good, Bad, and Ugly" on us.

- Now settle down, we still got tomorrow.

Never lost a client yet.

Just get me home.

You there? - Of course, I'm here, Turk!

I'm still driving the car!

- Well, fucking talk to me!

What are you, side languaging me over there?

'Cause I can do it too! - Let's see it.

- You know what I just said? - What?

- "Fuck off," in seven languages!

There's eight, I just hit you with Chinese.

- All right, I wanna hear Jamaican.

It's impressive at this point.

- [Turk] To Bob-a-rasscrack,

better fuck off the papparasp, mon.

Here's one in English, fuck off.

♪ I'll help you close your eyes ♪

- [Turk] Bedroom's on the left.

♪ And forget about to ♪

- Yep, there you go. ♪ Day ♪

- Listen, uh,

go into the kitchen and get me a rag for my eyes.

And there's a beer and cold cuts in the fridge

if you need a snack.

(gentle music)

- Nothing, just as I expected.

(gentle music)

Hmm.

Ice cream?

Okay.

Little salty, but that'll do.

(Turk grunts)

- Ah yeah.

Oh.

(Bob slurps)

(suspicious music)

- What the fuck is this, Turk?

Why is there a photo of you with the slime ball

from the bar tonight?

- Hey.

Hey, listen, you know what?

Why don't we just call tonight a write off, okay?

Look, I, I won't even charge you.

- Oh, you won't even charge me?

No, what the fuck is going on, Turk?

- I trained him.

- You, you trained the guy

who stole my fiance? - Yeah.

- This just keeps getting better.

- Yeah, look, relax, okay.

This gig is gonna put him out of business,

and I'm gonna be the only wingman on the block again.

- So, you've just been using me to get to this prick?

Is that what this has all been about?

- No.

Don't you see, kid?

It's about the money.

- Obviously.

Asshole.

(gentle music)

- [Newscaster] Reports have come in of enemy combatants

shooting an American jet fighter out of the sky.

- [Military Official] It's our belief

that Captain Scott Riker is still alive behind enemy lines.

- [Newscaster] Reports have come in of enemy combatants

shooting an American jet fighter out of the sky.

- [Military Official] It is our belief

that Captain Scott Riker is still alive behind enemy lines.

- Reports have come in of enemy combatants

shooting an American jet fighter out of the sky.

- It is our belief that Captain Scott Riker

is still alive behind enemy lines.

- [Newscaster] Reports have come in of enemy combatants

shooting an American jet fighter out of the sky.

- [Military Official] It is our belief

that Captain Scott Riker-

- What the hell are you doing in here?

- Don't worry, I was just leaving.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, no, no, no.

Tomorrow night, 2100 hours, Pink Taboo.

Our final mission. - No, no, no.

Tonight was our final mission.

You delusional G.I. Joe fantasy boy.

You used me, Turk.

Yeah, and worst of all,

you're the reason I lost the love of my life.

- Oh, boo, hoo, hoo.

Like, you're the only one who's ever lost somebody, huh?

- You're a real piece of...

(gasps) I, I get it now.

I, I can't believe I didn't understand it.

Microscopes, beakers.

Crystal meth, how did I not see this before?

You're some kind of insane meth head, aren't you?

- It's not meth, shithead.

I told you, I brew my own gasoline.

Jesus, if you don't believe me, look for yourself.

(dramatic music)

- What the hell is this?

- Sperm cells. (chuckles)

They travel at about 100 million miles an hour

racing to the egg,

to the finish line.

It's like the Fallopian Tube 500 in there.

You know, if I could just catch that energy in a bottle.

- So wait, is, is this your-

- Pancake batter?

That's right. - Oh my god.

- Me and Betty like to have our fun,

but, uh, I don't like to waste anything.

- So you turn your spunk into gasoline?

- What do you think powers

the orgasm-mobile, Broccoli Teeth?

I didn't fill it up with Shell unleaded.

- What?

But, but that, that's impossible.

The sperm would die!

- No shit, genius, that's why I freeze it.

You ever heard of frozen sperm?

Keeps those pollywogs alive forever. (chuckles)

Until finally you defrost 'em,

and then they, they start squiggling around like you,

like you just squirted 'em out fresh.

(Bob gagging)

What the hell?

(Bob continues gagging)

My ice cream.

(Bob gags violently)

No wonder his breath smelled like a,

a George Michael youth camp.

- What if I blow it? - Come on, Bob.

You can do this. - Yeah.

Of course, you would say that.

But what if I can't? What if I can't do it?

What if I blow it?

- You're not gonna blow it.

Hey, hey. - I could blow it.

- Hey, hey, Maxine picked you,

because she knows you're the best.

(gentle music)

- Thanks, Holly, look, I couldn't have done

any of this without you.

Seriously, thanks, Holly.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

- Um, I'm meeting a friend for drinks

later at Rummy's if you wanna come.

We'll celebrate. - Yeah, we'll celebrate,

'cause great. - Yeah.

- At Rummy's, yeah, for sure. - Yeah.

Okay, go, go, go. - Oh, I gotta, yeah, yeah.

- Go. (audience clapping)

(audience continue clapping)

(suspenseful music)

My honored guests and esteemed colleagues,

it is my pleasure to be here today.

As you know, the global appetite

for world-class car racing is growing day by day.

Our vision at Raw Image is your vision,

to bring modernized, state-of-the-art racetracks

to that motherfucker right there!

- I'm a motherfucker?

You're a motherfucker!

- That's the fucker that stole my fiance!

- Then I'm a fiance fucker! - Oh, shit!

- Fucker! - I'm a fiance fucker!

And bring your mother, I will fuck her too!

- Oh, shit! (audience gasps)

(Kazzim speaking aggressively in foreign language)

- You son of a bitch!

(audience gasps) Oh, I'm gonna kill you!

- Son of a bitch, get off me, you hooker!

Bitch slap, man, you bitch!

Aye, you hit me!

- Oh my god.

I totally fucked this whole thing up completely.

Maxine is gonna be so pissed at me.

Shit.

- How could you know, Bob?

I mean, I would've done the same thing.

- Yeah, exactly, right?

You, you, you, think of it,

you came face to face with a broad

who stole Tim away from you.

- Well, um,

since we're talking about bad news here, um,

Tim and I broke up

a few months ago.

- Ugh.

I'm such an idiot.

A few months ago?

How did I not know?

- I, you were going through your own stuff,

and I don't know, I didn't wanna...

- Hey, come here.

(Bob hiccups)

Sorry. - It's okay.

- I'm such a selfish prick.

I've been in my own little world and I, I should've asked.

I should've... - Hey, it's okay.

I guess it was coming for a while.

You know, we were fighting,

and somehow he always made me feel like

I wasn't smart enough for him.

- You're not smart enough?

Holly McCarthy, not smart enough?

You work with me, don't you? (Holly chuckles)

Gotta be pretty smart. (chuckles)

Actually, I...

(key chain jingling)

Let's see how smart you are.

(gentle piano bar music)

(Bob hiccups)

(gentle piano bar music)

Ah. Oh.

(both laughing)

(gentle piano bar music)

See, you're plenty smart.

You're smart enough to get away from Tim.

(gentle piano bar music)

Oh, you know what?

I don't need this anymore.

You take it.

You know, here.

(key chain jingles)

It's yours.

(gentle piano bar music)

A toast.

(gentle piano bar music)

To new beginnings.

- To new beginnings. (glasses clinking)

(gentle music)

- Wow, look how much people love you.

Look at all this love.

Who got you all this stuff?

- I did.

(bed whirring) - Oh.

- Is this how you treat your clients?

By sending a date rapist?

- Oh, it wasn't a date rapist, honey.

It was an assault.

- What do you think a rapist is?

It's an assault.

And he called me a fucker!

- What can I do?

What can we do to make this right?

- Where I come from, we still believe in honor.

If the rapist comes forward and proves himself worthy,

I might show leniency.

- Of course, he will, no question.

He's one of our best rapist, I mean-

- I will send Bob over there tomorrow to heal this wound.

- No, you won't send him here.

Bob will show up and prove his honor

where real men prove it,

at the racetrack!

And, Doctor, get me a new bed, please!

I feel like I'm breakdancing!

I just sent you 50,000.

- Are those rupees?

- Yes, they're rupees.

That's a lot of money, in India.

Get me a bed.

(gentle music)

- Why have I never kissed you before?

- Well, uh, two reasons.

Tim.

- Mhmm.

- Terri. - Oh.

- Your fiance, remember? - I actually forgot

about her for a second. - Hmm.

- Yeah.

(gentle music)

Can I ask you a question?

Would you wanna go fly fishing with me sometime?

- I'd love that, Bob. - You would?

Yeah? Okay. - Yeah.

- Well, well, looks like I got here just in time.

- Sarah. (Bob sighs)

Hey, hi, oh, okay, this is Bob.

- Oh, I know who he is. - Oh.

Really?

- Yeah, we, um,

met at a function recently, right?

- Oh, right.

Yeah, you are the sleazy lowlife who thinks all women

are idiots and just put on this Earth

so that guys like you can get their rocks off.

- Sarah, no, no.

This is Bob Erdman, he's my boss.

- He's a pervert who hits on anything that moves.

- No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong guy.

- Really?

Has he asked you to go fly fishing with him yet?

In the mountains, just the two of you?

- Bob?

- Look, I could explain.

I was planning-

- What were you planning, Bob?

- To go fly fishing with you.

I want that, that was all me, what?

- [Sarah] Really? I don't believe it.

- Bob, were you just trying to use me?

- No, Holly, I swear to-

- Has he given you a Rubik's Cube yet?

(Holly gasps)

- It's not what you think.

- Oh, oh, oh, have you met the wingman?

Okay, he should be popping up here any second.

Now this guy, this guy, you gotta see to believe.

You know, he can fart people's names.

(Holly sighs)

- You know, I felt bad for you all these months

watching your heart break.

You seemed like a sincere guy

who was going through a lot of pain.

A guy who I thought was real

and who didn't deserve being dumped.

But Terri was smart.

Losing you was the best thing she could've done for herself.

(gentle solemn music)

You can take your stupid cube.

Why don't you put it on your fly line

and go fishing for someone else?

- No.

Holly! - Let's go, Sarah.

(gentle dramatic music)

- [Sarah] Fly fishing? You can do so much better.

(gentle piano bar music)

- Oh my god, what is this strange and colorful cube thingy?

(gasps) Is this the new iPhone 97?

- No.

(gentle piano bar music)

This is my fucked up life.

(key chain clinks into glass)

(gentle piano bar music)

- Excuse me for a second.

Okay, Bobby, holy crap.

I got the 4-1-1 on your mystery wingman.

- Oh, dude, no, that's old news now.

He's fucking done.

- Yeah, well good, because it turns out Mr. Wingman

was a real wingman.

- What?

- So dig this, he went over on a covert operation

over in Afghanistan or somewhere,

and things went wrong, real wrong.

- Whoa, whoa, back up.

Turk is a real pilot? - Was a real pilot.

He just lost his fighter.

There's only been one jet shot down in the region ever,

and guess who was supposed to be protecting him?

Turk fucking Thompson, your wingman.

- No shit.

- But here's the best part.

They've never found the pilot, he's MIA.

- So what are you saying?

They think he's still alive.

Holed up in some shitty foreign prison.

That son of a bitch, Thompson,

all that talk about completing the mission,

and he never even brought his own man back home.

What a jackass.

- No, Skip, you got it wrong.

I'm the jackass.

Take me to the Pink Taboo.

♪ When I get to drinking ♪

♪ That's when I get to thinking ♪

♪ It's 'cause I ain't been thinking that I drink ♪

- I fucked up.

It was me who trained Eddie.

But Eddie, he was a loose cannon.

That night, he didn't follow the pattern.

He compromised a formation and bang.

That's when Riker took the hit.

- So it wasn't your fault.

- Try telling that to Riker's family.

(upbeat music)

- So you trained Eddie as a wingman, not a wingman.

- Yeah, that's right.

- It's been 20 years, Turk,

and what have you been doing this whole time?

- Hanging out in places like this, drinking,

trying to forget Scott Riker.

But everywhere I look, I see his face.

(gentle mellow music)

I see his face on dumb shits like you,

guys that can't complete their missions,

who can't get laid.

I'm a wingman, that's what I do.

And I figure if I,

I save up enough dollars,

one day I could go back over there and

bring Scott Riker home.

- You really are a wingman.

- (laughs) Hell yeah, I am!

And, tonight, we're gonna crack your nuts

and get you laid! (laughs)

- Look, thanks, Turk.

But...

(Turk chuckles)

Here's the rest of what I owe you.

I'm sorry for all that's happened and

good luck with everything.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

You still gotta get your girl back.

- No, I just came to apologize for what I said.

The mission's over, Wingman.

- Are you cereal?

- Yeah.

I am.

Maybe it's time to let the past go and move on.

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ Then that'll stop you drinking, you old drunk ♪

♪ Maybe not ♪

♪ Blinkin', stinkin', drink, drank, drunk ♪

(Eddie laughing)

- You thinking about leaving town?

Well, you probably should.

'Cause word on the street

is you failed in your mission last night, Fungus Face.

- How'd you find out so fast, Fart Festival Lips?

- News in our business travels fast.

It's a crazy world.

- Crazy like Forest Whitaker's left eye,

but I'll be all right.

- You lost your touch, Turk.

Maybe it's time you get out, hm?

- Like a retard in a bouncy house,

there is no getting out.

- You're like an old lady's tit,

all dried up just hanging around.

- What's to stop me right now

from shoving a giant pretzel so far up your ass

you think you have fallopian tubes?

- Because unlike you,

I have an employer who currently pays me.

(Eddie whooshing air)

(Eddie laughing)

(gentle music)

- Look, Holly, Bob was desperate.

You saw him.

- Hiring a wingman is more than desperate.

I didn't think he'd really do it.

Why didn't you tell me, Skip?

- He was crushed, Holly.

His fiance left a week before the wedding.

What would you have done?

- Where is he?

(upbeat suspenseful music)

Where is that son of a bitch?

- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you?

- Ah, shit, uh, this is, this is the wingman.

(suspenseful music)

- Everyone out!

Now!

(footsteps trampling) (employees murmuring)

(Holly sighs)

Okay, we are gonna have a little talk.

Me and you.

I wanna know everything.

(upbeat tense music)

Everything!

(upbeat tense music)

- My dear friends, welcome.

You know why you're here,

because you're all part of my inner circle.

- [Group] Mmm!

- You see, in my culture, business is important,

but not as important as honor and respect.

My multi-billion dollar vision

for car racing's future is here today.

And it must be earned, it must be won.

(everyone clapping)

- Let the race begin, motherbitches!

- Woo! - Yeah!

(everyone clapping)

- And that's all of it.

I put the dumb fuck up to everything.

Except for the fly fishing part,

that was all him.

- That was the part I love.

(Turk grunts)

(Turk pattering)

(Turk grunting and pattering)

- Look, you seem like a nice girl, hm?

Why don't you find somebody that's not so messed up?

I can help you.

What's your type? What are you, uh, Hindu?

Catholic?

- Quaker.

- Are you cereal?

- Excuse me. - Forget it.

He fired me. It's over.

- Mission failed?

- Mission aborted.

(gentle music)

(Turk spits toothpick)

- See you later, toots.

(gentle pleasant music)

Daddy's gotta ride.

(gentle pleasant music)

(tags jingling)

Hey!

Hey, pal, you dropped something.

- You keep it, you need it more than me.

(gentle mellow music)

You never leave a man behind, Wingman.

And I'm fucking cereal.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait!

(gentle mellow music)

(gentle mellow music ends)

- Please, choose your vehicle.

- No, I don't, I don't know how to race a car.

Let's just...

- Beat me in the race

and I'll sign the deal.

That's what you want, isn't it?

- Yeah, uh.

I'll tell you what,

since we're going for all the marbles here,

why don't you put something on the line?

Make it a little more worth my while, huh?

- There's honor in that.

More money?

- No, I'm thinking, Terri.

- What do you mean you're thinking Terri?

- Well, if I win,

you disappear, okay?

You break up with her, you leave,

and you let me have a fighting chance

of getting my girl back.

(Kazzim laughs)

- Sure, that sounds great.

Absolutely, no problem.

Yes, yeah,

'cause you have no bloody chance in hell to beat me.

So, please, select your vehicle.

- Uh,

I want-

(car horn honks a lively tune)

That one.

(upbeat rock music)

- That one? - Yeah.

(car engine rumbling) ♪ Wingman ♪

- An old hot rod? - Yeah.

- You might as well drive a hot dog. (laughs)

You think a car made in 1932

is going to beat a car with all the newest technology?

- I don't know, but I want that one.

Okay, that's my car.

- Are you serious?

- Oh, I'm cereal.

- Be all the cereals you want.

Cocoa Puffs, Froot Loops, Frosted Flakes.

You are all of them.

Tony the Tiger, you're a Honeycomb.

- Okay.

- You are cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Follow my nose!

- (hiccups) Is it? Is there a bathroom here somewhere?

(Terri hiccupping)

- What the hell are you doing?

How'd you even find me?

- Look, I almost gave up on you, Dildo Tits.

But a true wingman never gives up on his mission.

Now it's time for you to make like Santa

and show the world you got a giant sack.

Jump in.

(inspirational music)

(car door thumps)

(Bob exhales) Now,

I didn't let any man ever ride with Betty before.

If you're gonna win this race,

you're gonna need the best motivation

on God's good, green Earth.

(whimsical music)

(Betty plops)

(whimsical music) - Wow.

- POP.

(arm whooshing) (ring twinkles)

- Power of the pussy.

- Binjo.

(car engine cranks and rumbles)

(upbeat rock music)

- You're going down, bitch.

(tires squealing)

Woo-hoo!

(cars whooshing)

♪ Gonna ride my hot rod like an Arizona whore ♪

(cars rumbling and whooshing)

- Turk, Turk, I don't know what to do!

- Stay focused, Erdman, you got this!

♪ Got the need for speed ♪

♪ Take the foot up off the brake ♪

- Hello, hello, is somebody here?

♪ First comes gear one ♪

♪ Then comes gear two ♪

♪ Shift it into third ♪

- Whoa! Hey!

- We're moving now! Woo-hoo!

- Turk, he's going too fast!

- Just breathe, Erdman.

Listen to my voice.

- Gotcha. - Straighten her out.

(tires squealing)

- Now, punch it like a drunk stepfather teaching his kids

that the world ain't all horses and clowns!

(tires squealing)

- Yeah-he-he-he-ah!

(Terri gagging loudly)

(tires squealing)

(Kazzim laughing maniacally)

(tires squealing) - No!

- Next time don't bring a Tonka toy to a turbo party!

- I like my men hairy.

♪ Wingman ♪

♪ Wingman ♪

- He passed me, Turk!

- Take it to the left.

- What do I do?

- And then, slide her up the middle and try to get home

before you go diarrhea.

(car engines rumbling)

(Terri burping)

- Oh, that felt good.

(car engines rumbling)

- Turk!

Turk, I don't know what to do, man!

- POP, baby. ♪ You gotta shoot your shot ♪

- Power of the pussy.

- Talk dirty to her.

I showed you what to do.

(car engines rumbling)

- Yeah, that's right, my little licorice whip.

Ooh, you like when I fondle you like that?

Ooh, you're firmer than I thought.

Maybe I'll get one a little lower.

Oh, not that hole, hoo-hoo-hoo.

Let me get you a little wet, yeah.

You ready for me?

Mm, 'cause I'm ready for you.

(button clicks) (car engine revs)

Whoa!

(car engine rumbles)

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- [Kazzim] (indistinct) Koala!

(energetic music)

(Butterbuns chattering)

(car engine rumbling)

(Bob laughing loudly)

(car engines rumbling)

- Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

We passed him!

I passed him, Turk, I'm gonna win!

- Drive like your mother's chasing you to boarding school!

Drive!

(energetic music)

- I'm gonna win!

I'm gonna win!

I won!

We did it!

- Rubber tire's coming in hot!

- Oh, tires! Oh, no! (dramatic music)

(dramatic music ends)

(gentle pleasant music)

- Welcome, come in.

We've been waiting for you.

- [Bob] Uh, am, am I in heaven?

- Hell, you won, kid, (chuckles)

but you had a little accident.

You hit pretty hard.

- What?

What the hell is on my face, Turk?

- Picture a pug

that's been smacked in the face with a canoe paddle.

- What?

Oh!

Is that Betty?

Ow! What?

- Some of your teeth are cracked.

Betty's the only thing holding everything together.

It's time your victory speech, champ.

(audience clapping)

- Thank you, boob.

- Have you been getting lip injections?

- You won an incredible race.

You're quite a racist. (chuckles)

(audience clapping)

- There's something stuck in your lip.

- No. - Is that corn?

What is that? Let me get it.

What is that?

- No, no, no, no.

(clears throat) That's,

that's my clit. - What?

- Also, congratulations on winning

one of the most beautiful women in the world, Terri.

- What the hell is he talking about?

Bob?

- It's, um,

you know what?

Uh, (clears throat) look,

a few months ago, my life was in complete order.

Good job, gorgeous wife to be.

I thought I had everything figured out.

But then a good, good friend of mine

taught me that in the blink of an eye

your life can go into a tailspin and change.

And if you're not ready for it, you can lose everything,

and, more importantly, everyone that matters.

(gentle music)

Terri, you're a great girl,

my little songbird.

(Bob sputtering)

(audience clapping)

But I see now that Terri left for a reason.

You see, in every relationship,

if you're not each other's wingman

or wingwoman, then who has your back?

Who helps you get through every damn day

avoiding those tailspins?

I can see now that I blew it.

I took my eye off the mission

and I wasn't that guy for you, Terri.

But I can see Kazzim makes you happy.

Hell, one more kiss for old time's sake?

(lips smacking)

(Terri gags faintly)

(Terri spits)

With that being said, I did still win that race.

And, Kazzim, as a man of great honor,

I ask that you consider changing the prize.

- You won fair and square, whatever you want.

- Then for my prize,

I ask that you help my friend

locate Captain Scott Riker and bring him home.

- Consider it done.

- Suck my saliva glands. (audience clapping)

- [Terri] A prize? - A wingman is born.

- [Terri] Fuck all you men!

- [Kazzim] Terri, come back, please, my little muffin top!

Terri! - Hey!

So you're the scumbag that hired Eddie.

- You see me as a scumbag?

- Where are you from? - India.

- What part? - Downtown.

- What street? - Elliot Road.

- What number? - 37.

- I'm watching you. - I watched you.

- I'm watching you even more. - Look at me watch you.

Watch. (watch ticking)

Edward, let's go.

- Hey, this isn't over, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Face.

- I'm watching you too, Eddie.

- Watch away.

- I am. - Pay-per-view.

- [Kazzim] Terri, come back!

♪ American girl ♪

♪ I got a message ♪

♪ That she's back in town ♪

♪ She'd really like to see me ♪

♪ Am I still around ♪

♪ Really, really sorry and she'd like to talk ♪

♪ Must wanna tell me why she took that walk ♪

♪ Took a little while, but I'm back in stride ♪

♪ Finally realized you just can't hide ♪

- Come on, let's go jump in the boat.

♪ I love ♪

♪ American girls ♪ ♪ Nothing like ♪

♪ American ♪

♪ Girls ♪

(Bob grunts)

(both breathing heavily)

- Wow!

(both exhaling deeply)

So, Turk told you everything?

- Everything.

- Oh, no! (both laughing)

- I guess I should apologize for those rat traps.

- (laughs) You think? Yeah.

(Bob exhales deeply)

It's weird, in a way,

I actually helped him complete his mission,

but he didn't help me complete mine.

I'm the first guy

he's never actually successfully got a girl.

- Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

- (chuckles) Oh yeah?

Why is that?

(upbeat music)

- I have my eight reasons.

- He told you about the onion rings?

- I think actually nine.

- Maybe it's 10.

(both laughing)

♪ I love ♪

♪ American girls ♪

(upbeat music)

- I wonder where he is now.

(upbeat music)

- (exhales) He's on a mission.

(person chanting) (machine guns pattering)

- [Turk] Hey!

Ooh.

(Turk grunting and pattering)

(toothpick whooshes)

(body thuds)

Captain Scott Riker.

(gentle thrilling music)

- What took you so long,

you son of a bitch?

(gentle thrilling music)

- It's time to go home, Captain.

- Home?

Screw that.

I've been locked up in here for 18 years.

Take me to a bar, Wingman.

I need to get laid,

and that's an order.

(gentle thrilling music)

- Ah!

Ha-ha!

(energetic music) (dancers cheering)

(energetic music continues) (dancers continue cheering)

♪ So what's a man, without a woman ♪

- (grunts) Oh, that was incredible.

Oh, wow.

The way you just bend me like,

like a tree branch,

and then just snap me right back

like you just found the second cure to polio.

Oh!

♪ And we love because we're lovers ♪

- You're a beast. ♪ Tell your daughters ♪

♪ To be strong ♪

(Butterbuns inhaling) - Mhmm.

♪ 'Cause what's a man ♪ (Butterbuns exhaling)

♪ Without a woman ♪

♪ Mm ♪

- Where do I ever find a man that can beat that?

(Butterbuns pattering)

What's that?

(mellow soulful music)

Oh.

Ooh.

Okay.

"Wingman.

If you don't get laid, I don't get paid."

(Butterbuns pattering)

(chuckles) Well, what have I got to lose?

- You ready for round 12, baby?

- Fuck yeah! - Fuck ya?

I barely no ya.

(Terri laughing)

(upbeat rock music)

(balloons popping)

- Hey, pal, who do you think you are?

- Turk Thompson. - Give me that.

Wingman?

What kind of moron hires a wingman? (scoffs)

Loser-ville.

(ladies laughing)

- I'll call ya. - Yeah.

I know.

In the meantime, take these motion sickness pills.

I want you to start practicing on your mattress,

humping it like a boarding school pervert

caught in an Arizona shitstorm.

♪ What you gonna do ♪

- [Character] Hey, where you going, baby?

Come back. - Loser.

♪ Look around the room ♪

(Butterbuns pattering) (Butterbuns farts)

- Brush teeth.

(toothbrush swishing)

(Butterbuns pattering)

Nature's answer.

♪ Wingman, wingman ♪

- Yeah.

- All clean and ready to cream.

(Butterbuns farts)

(toilet flush whooshing)

♪ Wingman ♪

♪ Wingman, wingman ♪

♪ He drives up to the bar as your hopes begin to fade ♪

- [Character] I have my own car.

I promise. - (chuckles) You wish.

♪ Now he don't get paid if he don't get you laid ♪

- [Wingman] Come on, show Daddy some lettuce.

♪ He'll get you what you want, skinny, fat, or tall ♪

- [Wingman] Oh, looking juicy. - Oh.

♪ But you better hurry up, they just yelled, "Last call" ♪

- Naked body shots! - Woo-hoo!

♪ Strike out number four ♪

♪ Strike out number five ♪

♪ Totally rejected, chances barely alive ♪

♪ He'll get you hooked up with a brunette or a blonde ♪

- Ooh, release the Kracken. (date laughing)

♪ You're going home with a hottie, now the wingman's done ♪

♪ Wingman, wingman ♪

♪ If you can't get a date ♪

♪ He's always got a plan ♪

♪ No time left waiting ♪

♪ He's the wingman ♪

♪ Wingman, wingman ♪

♪ Wingman, wingman ♪

- [Wingman] I'm the wingman.

Yeah.

- [Date] (giggling) You're cute.

- Are you cereal? (date laughs)

♪ His love is just a game ♪

♪ All the pain driving you insane ♪

♪ Insane, it gets inside your brain ♪

♪ It stains, sucks you down its drain ♪

♪ Its drain, love is just a game ♪

♪ Love is just a game ♪

♪ No matter how you plan ♪

♪ Or craft a strategy ♪

♪ Once you're in the game ♪

♪ You are never free ♪

♪ You play it all again ♪

♪ Love is just a game ♪

(firework whooshing)

(firework pops)

(logo whooshes)

(gentle sparkling music)