Original subtitles

Hey, everybody. We just wanted to post this really quick,

because a lot of you keep asking us

-if we're going to get married-- -Oh, my God, so many questions.

"When are you going to do it? Where are you doing it? Don't make it too far."

-Like, feel free to skip it. All right? -Um, well, guess what?

It's happening right now, right here.

We're doing it our way. This is our story.

And we are going to get married in the heart of wine country.

-Ooh, love that. County clerk's office. -Yeah.

-You know what? You ready, babe? You ready to do this? -Let's do it.

-Not if you all are invited. -Okay.

But we do miss a lot of you, and we wish you could be here.

But this is our story, so we're doing it. Ready? Let's go!

-Did it again. Pull it, pull it. -Let's go. I'm pulling it.

We're running a little bit late. But good news,

we found a way into the building

so we can actually get married. And then,

we're going to go to Clover Frog,

which is the best winery in the area.

We're going to do a little post-wedding tasting.

-Right, babe? -It is so stunning there, Okay?

I can't wait for you guys to see it. Also, we hired a photographer

who's going to take wedding photos. They're going to be gorgeous.

Oh, you're going to love it. You guys are going to love it.

But we do have to run in here

-and actually get married first. -Yeah.

And then we can get wine drunk.

-Right, babe? -Yes, we can.

-Okay. Mmm, okay. -Stop, creepers.

We're here in the world's most beautiful courthouse.

-Look, a plant. -So mush.

Uh, We should only have to wait a little bit longer.

And then, officially, we are going to be

-husband and... -Wife. I'm going to be the wife.

- I know. - Mazel tov .

-Oh, thank you. Thanks, man. We made a friend. -Thank you!

Maybe I'll get a best man. Maybe.

-Hey, man, what's your name? -Bob, not Robert. Bob.

- Just Bob? - Mm-hmm.

You got it. Just Bob. A legal Bob. You never see a legal Bob.

-Hey, Bob, you here to get married too? -I'm here to check to see

if they're going to put a lead against my house.

- Oh. - Oh, mazel tov.

That's kind of huge for you, Bob.

That sucks.

Okay. Uh, I thought we were going to get married.

But we're just in the room where you then get to fill out

a bunch of paperwork to then get married,

which my future bride is doing.

Guess what? My new best man, Bob, is here.

Right, Bob? Uh, good news.

Bob has agreed to be our witness.

- He's a sweetie. -That's money. And then, we also

got him to take all of our photos

so you guys don't miss anything at all. Right, Bob?

Guys, we did it. Like, did it, did it.

Yeah, we're married. Uh, a bit of an update though.

I know we said that Bob was going to take photos and be our witness.

-Right. -Definitely was our witness.

He just accidentally reversed the camera

and did 20 minutes of himself.

-So... -Yeah, 100%. So we had 20 minutes

-of him witnessing it. -Yeah, we'll upload that.

You're going to get a lot of Bob content.

-Don't, you, don't you worry. -Yeah.

Uh, also, since we're running a little bit behind,

we're not going to be able to make it to the winery,

-to Clover Frog. I know. I'm sorry, babe. -That's sad.

I know. But, but, I do know that our room is now ready,

so we're going to pick up a couple of bottles.

-Okay. -And we are going to go-- Come here. And we are--

Come here. And we are going to drink in our hotel room.

- Well, it's more of a motel. - -I, the Justice, with the peace...

...hereby appointed by the state of California

and the county clerk and the court's office in LA

to officiate the marriage ceremony.

Oh, there he is.

There's the man, the Josh, the legend.

-Hey, uh... -Phil.

-Phil. -Did you do it?

Uh, oh, yep.

-We did it. Yeah. -Oh, my God, beautiful.

And you're celebrating with-- What's that, a, uh,

1968 vintage box of wine there?

I think it's a 2022.

Nice. It's a good week, I hear.

Hey, so what happened? I thought you and the bride were coming back later.

Oh, uh, yeah, we missed the tasting.

I screwed up the scheduling. I, I didn't factor in, like,

-how long Amanda's hair was going to take. -Phil!

- Mine was easier. Right. - Yeah.

Well, you know, according to Google Earth,

there is a vineyard...

-...right up the hill. -Yeah, man, I,

I looked it up. I, I, I couldn't find anything.

Well, Google Earth does not lie, my friend.

Phil, enough with the damn Google Earth.

Nobody wants to see your brother's house at Bethesda.

No, I was just telling him about a vineyard, Buttersauce.

I told you, don't call me Buttersauce in front of people.

What about Butterface?

-No! No! -It's worse.

-That's worse? -Yeah.

Well, we'll figure something else.

Well, I'll catch you later, man.

- Can't wait. - All right, good.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh.

No blood.

-No semen. -Mm-hmm.

Amanda?

-I'm fine. -Amanda.

-No, I'm okay. Like, literally, I'm good. -Come on.

It's just that this place is, like, more disgusting

than the place I spent prom night at the Jersey Shore.

And that place literally was covered in semen. I know. I saw them do it.

-Okay. -I'm stressed.

-Yeah. -I'm really anxious.

I know. I know.

Okay.

I know that you didn't, like, dream

of getting married in a courthouse.

or spending our wedding night...

...in this motel.

But this is...

This is our story, babe. Yeah?

I didn't even get any pictures.

Well, do you want to drive up

and try and find that vine yard that the Google Earth

Phil guy was talking about?

-We could just get out of here. -I want to get out of here bad.

-That's my number one priority. -Okay. Okay.

-All right, just let me change. And then-- -No, don't.

Let's just leave everything we have on and, and we'll get some photos.

-Okay. -Okay.

-Yeah. -Sounds good?

-Yeah, I want pictures. -Great.

-So, let's just do that. -All right.

-You okay? -No. I'll never forget this.

- Bad attitude. - My attitude isn't going

to change with a vineyard that's, like... if we even find it.

Well, this is where the guy in Google Earth said to go.

Yeah, but like, how much further do we go?

A litt-- a little further.

Okay.

Hey, where are we?

This is stunning.

Yeah, but is it even open?

Like, we're the only people here.

- Jesus! - It's okay, babe.

-I think I broke it. -It feels kind of deserted.

Whoa.

We're the only car here.

We're going to have to take pictures of our own selves.

That's not what I meant.

Okay. Should we just go up a knock?

- It's gonna be great, right? - Yeah.

Okay.

I'm sorry, babe.

-Yeah. -You can play with my beard when we get back to the motel.

Thank you.

- That's very nice of you. - Unlimited.

-At least it was pretty. -Hi, friends. Are you lost?

Uh, no. We just stumbled upon your vineyard.

-And we were... -We just-- So nice.

...hoping we could do a tasting.

Yeah, we don't have an appointment.

-We know it's-- -I'm so, so, so sorry.

I'm only allowed to let in members of the wine club.

Wine. It's a wine club. So that makes sense. Okay.

Um, never mind. It's really nice to meet you.

-Um, let's just go. -Uh, wait. Uh, please.

We've had a really rough day. In fact, like, a rough few months.

And I'm just trying to give my wife the best wedding day I can.

It's not traditional, but it's ours, and I wanted to be--

-What? -I'm just like,

I've never heard you call me your wife.

You are my wife.

Yeah, I guess I'm your wife. I can't believe I'm your wife.

Uh, please. I-- In, out, fast.

-We just wanted be a part of it. -Or just chug 'em.

Come on. This way.

Is this the owner's house?

Oh, no, no, no. This is just the guest house.

The vineyard manager just got back from a wine making trip

and is now at her private residence. But I'm sure it's cool.

I mean, how could celebrating true love be a bad thing?

-Yeah. -Yeah, for sure.

So, I'm so sorry. What--

What is your role at the vineyard?

I'm Tovah, just a member of the wine club. Wait.

I'm gonna get something special for us to celebrate with.

Okay.

-She's a runner. -Yeah.

-This is working out, right? -This is so gorgeous.

I have to get a picture of us right now. I mean, we should ask...

-I know. -...her to take real pictures of us,

-but in the meantime-- -Yeah, this is our story.

Okay, oh.

Oh, that's so cute.

Time to celebrate!

Okay.

-Okay. -What's that for?

I believe in you. I believe in you.

-Open your eyes, babe. -You've got this.

-What? My eyes are open. -Open your eyes.

-They are open. -Oh, okay. You're doing great.

They built something to open wine with.

-Nobody said, "Hey, you still need a sword." -But this our tradition.

Three, two, one.

-So good. -So strong. It's like, really strong.

Wait, stop. What do you mean

-a celebrity owns the vineyard? -I guess he used to be famous.

-Who? -Who is it? Who is it? Hey, say a name.

Who can finish a glass fastest? Go.

- Okay. - You.

- Don't even know his full name. We just call him Elder Charles. -Who?

-Elder Charles. The wine guy! -Elder Charles.

- Okay, you need more. - We have enough.

-Go! Whoo! -Yeah! Ha!

- Who's that? - Elder Charles.

-Charles. Charles? -What does he do?

-He runs the vineyard? -Charles.

-Oh, let's meet him. -Charles Sheen.

-It's Charles Sheen? -No.

-Charlie Sheen? -Charles. Prince Charles?

This is good, but do you have any rosé?

-Oh, that's different. -Oh, that's actually--

-Is that real? Is that how it works? -Yeah.

This is going to be the worst Instagram wedding photo dump

-in history. They're so bad. -Oh, babe. They're good.

-Babe, you have to try it. -Babe, that's all you, babe.

- You have to try it... - Babe, you love it.

-...babe. You have to... -I would never take it from you, babe.

Look how hot you are.

You didn't even-- You didn't even use flash. I was like Poot Lovato

-He's loving this rosé. You did an amazing job. -I, I love my wife.

You are like a little wine scientist, aren't you?

- Yes. - No, there's no way

-that guy owns it, babe. -Charles?

- Charles cheese. He's a celebrity mouse. -Charles cheese.

-You guys don't know anyone. -She knows all the celebrities.

-The "E" is for entertainment, Charles E. Cheese. -If a celebrity

-owns this place, she knows him. -I will know him.

- All right, Tovah, your turn to do a toast. - Okay, Tovah, give a toast.

To my new friends.

That was so short, I loved it.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -That was so short.

And that's what the world needs now.

-Is she-- -Short, short toasts.

-You guys ready? -Yeah, yeah.

-All the way. -Only if you're ready.

-Look, that's-- Yes! -Yeah!

- That's my fucking wife! - Yes!

-That's my-- -Yes!

I'm so sorry. That's my fucking wife.

- Go on. Look at us! - Yeah!

Did we get this?

- My wife is a great therapist. - -His wife.

And I quit my super stable job as a production accountant,

so that I could be a "screenwriter."

-Ew, Hollywood. -What? Why do you--

Why are you doing that? Why are you doing this?

Why are you putting screenwriter in quotes like that?

You are-- He's, he's a screenwriter. You're a screenwriter.

You just don't get paid any money.

See, see, I get the sense that sometimes Josh

- is not very nice to Josh. - You're really observant.

-Yeah. -'Cause that's true.

- Yeah. -I, actually... The truth is Josh

isn't very nice to Amanda.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard

-and the wrongest. -No, it's not.

Because when Amanda met Josh,

she thought she was getting this, like,

super gonna-be-successful,

up-and-coming hotshot executive guy,

who was, like, definitely gonna buy her a Malibu beach house

overlooking the ocean,

but instead, she pays her new husband's rent.

- Okay. - Don't. I'm not that--

Take it back.

Hey, look at me.

The front way. You-- Listen, what are you always saying?

This is our story. This is our story.

- This is our story. - This is our story.

-And it's-- Well, no. -This is our story.

This is our story. And it's okay.

You know what I mean? Listen, my husband,

he's such a talented screenwriter.

He wrote a screenplay. It's called American Rat.

-How does that sound? -Wait, you wrote a screenplay?

- Not-- Yes. And it's being read... -That's--

-...by a Hollywood agent. -Wow. That's so...

It's actually, it's actually being read by, uh, an agent's assistant.

-He works for him. -But doesn't really matter...

-Wow. -...because nobody reads anything anyway.

So, who cares? But...

Okay, well, I think it's gonna get read.

-I'm hopeful. -I think it's gonna get read.

You, you haven't even read it.

-Yeah, I haven't read it. -You read, like, an early version,

but, like, it's way better than it was then, and you have not read it since.

I just don't really have time to read, like, 162 pages.

Well, you know, I, I have time to read 162 pages.

Right now.

-We should read it. -Uh...

What a better way to consummate your love?

-Um, I mean, there's better ways, but I'm dumb. -There's like...

"Yo, I don't need this good cop, bad cop bullshit.

Just give me the phone. I'll call up my dad,

Mo Friday.

Yeah, that Mo Friday."

"You pushed a girl into traffic

and now she's in a coma.

You did the rights kid.

No jury in the world cares about who your...

...who your daddy is.

You're going down and there ain't shit you could do about it.

Your party boy lifestyle

is over."

Whoa.

- Are you trying to kiss me? - What?

What? No, that's not in there.

That's not in there. You don't kiss.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh.

Yeah, just stay with, just stay with,

with what's on the page.

-It seemed like it was in there. -Why would it seem like that?

It's just like, you wrote their faces so close.

- You did that. I didn't write that part. -Oh!

-I think we should try it again. -Okay, all right.

- Go one more time. - Wanna try it again?

Oh, my God.

She sleeps weird.

Should I check if she's dead?

I should check and see if I can get my old job back.

Oh, come on. Can you just stop, just for tonight?

Can we just, please, just enjoy our wedding night?

- God! - Okay, all right, yeah.

Let's go back to talking about whether or not Tovah's dead.

Hey, for real though, like,

I want us to be able to go on adventures.

Like, I, I want us to do really fun stuff

and not have to rely on a miracle

of finding the one vine yard in the world

where they don't charge you for wine.

That's so weird.

I want us to have a fun life,

and I feel like I'm making a sacrifice

way too much.

Babe, we can afford to sacrifice a little bit more.

It's really okay.

Thank you.

Should we go back to the hotel?

We absolutely cannot drive, dude.

Okay.

I-- It's just like it's our wedding night, you know?

-Okay. -I wanted to...

What if I...

What if I finger you, like, uh, slow-mo Franco did?

- Don't make it-- - Yeah.

Camp night or movie night? Why do I remember?

Why are you adding so many details?

I don't know. Why do I remember it?

-I don't know. It feels like you're jealous, honestly. -I'm not.

Well, we cou-- we could.

Yeah, okay.

-Yeah? -Yeah, why not?

Yeah, why not?

Oh.

Oh, okay.

We're just gonna, like... Babe, our story, it just got, like, really kinky.

-Why do you seem nervous? -I don't know.

Is it weird that I can't stop looking into her eyes?

Yeah, I, uh-- I think it's weird you're looking at her at all right now.

-Honestly-- -I mean, she sleeps weird with her eyes open.

Okay, well, just try to focus on anything else.

Is there anything else you could focus on right now?

-Yeah, yeah. -You think so?

- Hey. - What?

-Look at us. Huh? Who'd have thought? -Okay, what do you mean?

-You want me to look at you? What're you doing? -Look at us.

-What is this? -It's Paul Rudd from the Paul Rudd meme.

Well, from that one. That was very popular.

- Stop. Just don't talk. - All right.

I swear to God, I'm about to kick you out.

What?

Babe.

Babe.

Oh, my God, I think I'm still drunk.

Where the fuck is Tovah?

-I left my stuff inside. -Who's-- Oh, yeah, Tovah.

Why do I have this?

-Why do I have a sword? -Why do you have a sword?

-Put that down. -I don't want a sword.

That's not the time for that right now.

Let's go home.

Yeah, dude.

Go to our little motel.

-Hello? -Hello.

Oh, my God.

-Hello? -Hey.

-We just need our keys. -Tovah.

-Babe, don't hit your head. -Okay.

-Come on. Forget your stuff. Forget it. -You got it, come on.

-I don't feel good. -Oh, I feel amazing.

This place did not look this big last night.

It's huge.

- Are you okay? -Snake hole, watch out. Watch your foot.

Hey, do you think that dude can show me on Google Earth,

like, where a breakfast burrito place is?

I don't know if we'll even ever see him again.

I don't even know if I'm in the same state.

-Quick one. -Huh?

It's a quick one.

Happy marriage.

Fuck.

Oh, yeah.

-Hey, hey. -What the fuck?

- Who's this guy? - Holy shit.

Is that the owner? Oh, wait.

Didn't Tovah say the owner was, like, a celebrity? Did I make that up?

- Oh, yeah. Like, um... - Wow.

-Charles. -Charles. Charles. It was Charles something?

Yes. Oh, my God. Okay, go say hi.

- What? -Go say hi. I want to know who it is.

-Babe, I never know celebrities. That is a waste of time. -Jesus Christ!

Let's not.

- I know who that is. I know who that is. -Okay.

-Who is it? -Oh, my God. That's Charles Marvin.

-I can't-- -Who's Charles Marvin?

-The Gooch. -Okay.

Gooch Baker from A Baker's Dozen ? They're rebooting it now.

It was like the biggest sitcom of the late '90s.

But then he, like, found religion and said his show was filth

and quit Hollywood like an asshole.

Yeah, I don't really know who this guy is, babe.

Are you kidding? Look.

Look, the only show we could watch growing up

-was 7th Heaven. -7th Heaven. I know.

You want to show me one of those?

You're gonna feel so stupid.

-It's awesome. Okay. -Okay.

No more playtime, kids.

Senator Alvarado needs 250 everything bagels

by 5 a.m. tomorrow,

or he's gonna filibuster the food stamp bill.

Babe, they called this A Baker's Dozen

'cause they have 13 kids,

-and their last name is Baker. -Baker.

-Yeah. -And he's actually a baker.

God, can you not enjoy anything?

-What's wrong with you? -You enjoy this?

Yeah, it's fun. It's funny.

Can you stop overthinking this? It's like, do you want to enjoy it or not?

- I don't know that I do want to. - Hello.

-Are you lost? -Oh, hi.

Um, hi. Yeah.

No, I'm-- Hi, I'm Amanda,

-and this is my husband, Josh. -Hey, hi.

And we're just looking for Tovah.

How do you know Tovah?

-Oh, we're like-- We're friends. -Oh, we're friends.

-Friends? -She gave us a tasting last night,

so we're just trying to figure out

if we can find someone to help us get back into the house.

-We gotta get our stuff. -All our shit's in there.

We just got married yesterday.

I think-- Probably obvious.

Well, I must ask that you do not speak to the Elder.

He is in the midst of a vow of silence.

He has not uttered a sound in nine months.

-Oh, yes. Totally respect that. -Oh, okay.

-Totally. -Um, do you know when he'll talk again?

-That is between him and God. -Gotcha.

-That makes so much sense, and I really-- -Of course, it does.

That's so evolved.

Um, really quick, can I get

a superfast picture? Just, boop-sneak right up there,

- take a quick pic with him, he doesn't have to say a word. - -Hey!

- Who is that? - Oh, my God.

Elder, you spoke.

I'm coming down.

That's okay.

I'm coming down.

- Elder-- - I'm coming down.

Watch out for your knee. It's very steep.

I'm going sideways and then coming down.

Be careful.

I'm going sideways and then coming down.

- He's coming down, he's coming down. - -I'm coming down.

Wait for me. Stop the conversation until I get there.

No more dialogue. Wait for me.

I'm coming down.

I'm coming down.

I'm coming down-- I'm almost down.

I haven't spoken in quite a while.

I'm enjoying the sound of my own voice right now.

It's louder than I thought it was

when it was in my head.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh. Oh.

Well, aren't you going to introduce us?

Oh, uh, of course, Elder.

-Uh, this is, uh... -Oh, I'm Amanda.

-Amanda. -And this is my husband, Josh.

-Hey, I'm Josh. -Oh.

This is Elder Charles. They were just leaving, though.

Um, really quick. I know that you left the celebrity life,

but I just want to say I am such a huge fan of yours, and I really respect you.

Mm. How wonderful.

-Thank you. -Yeah, and I had to say-- And I had to say it.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- And, uh, Joshua. - Uh-huh.

I'm assuming you are a huge fan as well.

- Oh, uh... - Say that you're a fan.

Yeah, man. Yeah, I'm a big fan.

-You are a big fan. -Yeah.

-A huge fan. -Big fan.

-Um... -I appreciate you recognizing me.

But Hollywood...

is a cesspool

of greed and materialism!

And they promote

moral corruption throughout all areas of society.

- Yeah. You're welcome. - But thank you.

- For sure. - -You know, um, I'm right there

with you, brother. I quit my, uh, Hollywood job last year.

Oh.

And they told me my leaving would have no impact.

Oh, well, wrong about that.

I see you're in your nuptials.

What do you say if the wine club

celebrates a renewal of your vows?

Oh, that is, that is crazy sweet.

- I am... - Um, but actually--

...so excited.

-Yeah? -Oh.

-We're doing it? -I guess we're doing it.

Okay. Okay.

-All right. -Okay, well, um, Elder...

-Mm-hmm. -...while you prepare the ceremony, why don't I

- introduce you to everyone? - I can introduce them.

- But you must prepare the ceremony. - I don't need to prepare.

-I can marry these people in my sleep. -Elder, you must prepare.

-I don't need to prepare. -Elder, please!

-I don't need to prepare. -You must prepare.

-I will prepare. -You rest.

I will rest and think about love.

There you go.

I will rest and think about love.

Every member of wine club lives on site free of charge,

and together, we live and work the land, creating the very wine

- that we drink. - My name is Kelly.

-You may call me Maker. -So maybe we should leave.

-No, I still want pictures. -Of what?

I don't know yet. I'll know when I see it.

As you know, the Elder was very successful in his past life,

but the Elder does not value money.

The Elder values people.

- Okay. - -Everyone chips in where they can.

-This is Utah Takahashi... -Hi! Oh!

-....keeper of the Book of the Vine... -Okay.

-...and his lovely wife, Sarah. -Hey. Oh, we're doing--

We're doing it too. Okay. Uh, thank you.

-Thank you. -You don't need to thank us. The kiss is the "Thank you".

Oh, well, then, you're welcome.

Canto 127...

- Mm-hmm. - ...Elder Charles writes,

"He who picks up the cup shall put it down,

- but not until he kisses the giver in thanks. - -Okay.

For the wine is a drink of thanks."

That just lasted.

Oh, this is Todd David Levy,

our resident geologist test for surveying our vast grounds,

in search of new sources of water during this drought.

-How're you doing? -Uh... You look so familiar.

I have to ask, um, were you also on A Baker's Dozen ?

- Oh, my God. You remember. - Of course.

Yeah, I played the geology teacher/basketball coach.

-Slam Duncan, yeah. -I was Slam Duncan.

-I can't believe you remember me. Man! -Yeah, of course.

You had that spin-off, um, Kicking it with Slam Duncan.

I mean, can you believe that? After three episodes, they cancel us.

You want to know what happened in episode four?

You know what happened?

-I got hooked on crack. -Oh.

- You know what happened in episode five? - -Tell us.

- No, I, I don't-- - No more crack.

-Wow, that's a fast turnaround on the crack. -Congratulations.

Hold on here. You were a geology teacher on the show...

- Right. - ...and now, you're a geologist in real life.

Canto 312. "If you can act it, you can do it."

- That's right. I rock. - That's a catch--

That's the catch phrase. That's the Slam Duncan catch phrase.

- I rock. - -Oh, you still got it, man.

- That's so good. - Oh, yeah.

-Thank you, Todd. Thank you. -Uh, yeah. I--

I can't believe that people even, like, remember me.

-Really awesome, man. -Oh, man, you're memorable.

- Let's move on, shall we? - Please.

Yeah, why not? You want to get a picture of this guy?

- No, it's so sad. - Why not?

-So hot. Oh. -So hot.

Once the grapes are picked into stem,

they are brought here to be crushed by our crushers.

I believe you already know Tovah.

-Hi! -What's up?

-So good to see you. -What?

-Oh, we're still doing this thing. -She's doing this thing again.

So-- Oh, no, I don't--

-Thank you, Tovah. -Okay. No, no, no, no.

Actually, I think we're good on the kisses.

- Yeah, Kelly... - -We've been kissing all morning.

...everybody knows we have kissed everybody.

-Good on kissing. So... -Yeah, we're good. We're good.

Oh, over there, we have Brian, Tovah's ex-boyfriend from the main world,

and his new wife, Crystal.

-Hi. -Welcome, guys.

What are you guys doing up there?

Uh, we're waiting for the grapes to grow.

Yeah, we missed it last year, so...

You guys like pinot grigio?

- Kind of, yeah. - I'm a noir girl.

Yeah, eight months from now, it's going to be everywhere.

I think this little one's a grigio, though.

Okay.

Crystal, as you can see, is pregnant

with the vineyard's baby.

Sorry, the, uh, the vineyard's baby?

- Yes. - Hey, how come you guys do this, uh, by foot?

You don't, don't use machines?

Oh, well, we believe that when you make something with your feet...

- Mm-hmm. - ...versus a machine,

you make a connection with what you consume,

which is why

only those with a certain level of foot purity.

are allowed this responsibility.

Elder Charles happens to be the most

-preeminent foot reader in the world today. -Yeah.

Tovah scored a perfect 5.5 rating on the Alvarado scale.

-I don't like to talk about it. -Wow. Did they say Alvarado?

- Oh, yeah, that's, um-- - Let's keep it moving.

-Once the grapes are crushed into a juice, -I'll see you guys later.

we take it off-site and return with a bottle of wine,

-and that is how wine is made. -Okay.

How are you doing, Cecil?

Not well.

-I'm dying. -Oh, you have plenty of time.

Cecil, your other eyebrow doesn't have a single grain yet.

-You look so good. -Ah!

- Oh, are we still going with you? - Yes.

-Okay. -Oh, sorry about it.

How's this plugged in?

I don't belong here!

You get ready, main world!

Slam Duncan is back!

And he's off the track!

Whenever we receive a new batch of wine,

our taster and his wife, Jasmine, the assistant taster,

must examine it before anyone else can taste it.

We've really started exploring new ways

to detect flavor in our wine, so...

This is exciting!

They're about to taste our new Pinot.

-Oh, okay. -Oh, awesome.

Hmm.

Oh, hints of... Hmm.

Hints of blueberry and...

...hmm, violet, I'm tasting.

Uh, very acidic.

Uh...

Hmm, perhaps a little bit too aggressive

for my liking, though.

-Hmm. -Oh!

- No way. - Hmm.

-Is she... I know! -She's going to taste it.

-Tastes like dick. -Yeah. She's good.

- I bet that checks out. - She's good.

-Mm. -You see what I you mean?

Exactly like it.

-Oh. -Oh.

- It's time. - Oh, time for what?

Time to get ready for the ceremony.

Oh, our ceremony.

-Oh, cool. -Oh, Okay.

-I'll just shift gears. -Yeah.

Thanks, guys.

You look so beautiful.

Your husband is very lucky to have you.

That's, that's really sweet.

Thank you, Tovah.

You look like a really good finger, too.

-Oh, a thread. -Canto 9.

"The color draining from red to clear

symbolizes the death of death

and the birth of love.

We see it. We see through it.

It's seen and not seen."

Yeah. I know. Does the book have any advice

for a guy on how to keep his wife happy

when he makes no money?

- Ah. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. - Canto 603.

"The scourge of capitalism--"

My mom wanted us to get married in LA,

and then, my dad wanted us to get married in Florida.

But then, Josh's parents were the only ones contributing financially

and they wanted us to get married in New York.

So, I don't know. I just kind of wanted to, like,

go to France and tell everyone to fuck off.

But it was way too expensive.

And Josh, he won't share his opinion on anything.

He thinks because he doesn't have a job, he doesn't get a vote.

So, we eloped.

Sounds like, because of his own insecurities,

he's taken his voice out of your entire relationship.

-Yeah. That's, that's a really good take. -I've been there.

Not in the money aspect way. No, I'm totally fine.

-Oh, congrats. -But I mean more in terms

of not valuing myself properly as a person.

-Yeah. -Look, I know this is going to sound crazy, but...

...Elder and Maker rescued me from a cult.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

-A cult? -Mm-hmm.

-I know. -Wait, I'm s-- They got you out of a cult?

- Yeah, it's crazy. - That's super crazy.

And honestly, finding this place is the only thing that really helped me

-move through it. -For sure.

Elder Charles and the wine club, it's like a family to me.

And I think nothing would help you more than Elder Charles

guiding both of your souls towards unity.

Huh.

Will you be joining us at the Love Tangle?

-The what? -The Love Tangle is, uh,

our chance to consummate your marriage with you and your bride.

It's like, um, have you ever seen a squid fight a whale, Josh?

It's like that, but instead of a squid,

it's a bunch of horny people, and we're all fucking.

Yes! Orgasms in a group setting.

Oh, yeah. Uh...

First of all, thanks.

I don't know, my wife, she probably wouldn't...

- Everyone loves it. There's charcuterie. -Like, yeah.

- I love it. - She's going to love it.

Everyone loves it. It's just,

I know my wife. I know her limits.

Right. We will see you there, we will see you naked,

-and we'll see all your parts. -I'm really looking forward to it.

-I cannot wait. -Welcome, welcome,

welcome, welcome.

Welcome.

What a wonderful story

on this beautiful day.

Well, okay.

In order for two souls to become one,

we must not place value

in material possessions.

In fact, I would like both of you, right now,

to take off your rings.

-Oh, no, we're good. We're actually good. -Oh, no.

-Yeah, we're good. -We're good. Thank you.

Thank you. But keep going, love it.

Okay. Fine, fine. Fine.

In order for two souls to become one,

they must not place value

in earthly and material...

Ow! Oh! Jesus, Sarah!

She wanted pictures.

- But with the flash? - Everyone,

this is our most sacred rite.

Let's proceed with dignity.

Will the keeper of the Book of the Vine step forward?

Canto 26.

"Before entering into the bond of marriage,

one soul must be cleansed,

shedding the baggage and detritus

of a mundane existence,

escalating planar domains...

...from the esoteric palace...

...to the realm of the unification

of the ageless earth with the transcendent divine."

Okay. Wonderful.

That made sense.

And now, the most important part

of the ceremony,

the unification of the souls.

Mmm.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I've got a cramp! A cramp!

Ahh! A forearm cramp!

Oh, my God! Someone get water!

This is why I said you must prepare!

Does everyone see what he sacrifices for you?

This could not get any fucking weirder.

Forgot about the foot reader thing.

That's what you wanted?

You said you wanted some interesting photos.

Oh.

That's great. She's taking notes on my feet.

How do you think we're doing?

What is that? Why did my foot just get warm?

-It's his mouth. -No, it's not.

-You're messing with me. -No, I'm not.

Oh, I bet that's a good one.

We should frame it in the living room.

Hmmm, he's on me now.

Uh-uh.

Babe, we need to leave.

Do we?

Uh, Elder, is this a mistake?

The maximum score in the Alvarado scale,

as you know, is a 5.5.

Oh, really? Where does it say that?

Canto 2. "The word 'sole,'

being a homophone for the word 'soul,'

implies that the gateway to the soul is in the foot.

You shall devise a method for evaluating,

on the scale of Alvarado, 0.0 in the minimum

- and 5. - 5 in the maximum with such--" -Oh, really?

Do you know how a law of the vine becomes void?

It becomes void when I do this.

Whoa! Whoa!

Elder, Elder,

there is a reason I didn't approve this.

-There's newcomers here. -You okay?

You have not been yourself in a long time.

You behave yourself. Are you going to scare them away?

-Elder, the Alvarado scale is very rigid in its design. -Yeah.

Vow of silence,

starting now.

Elder!

-Wait, he's walking away... -Where's he going?

-...with my sock. -What is he doing?

Let him go. We'll go to Marshalls after this.

- Ooh, fun. - Exciting news.

The newcomers have both achieved

the new perfect score on the Alvarado scale.

They have both scored 5.7.

Hey, man.

-Hey, Charlie. -Hey, buddy.

Well, we're going to take off, but, uh, we just wanted to thank you

for putting together this beautiful ceremony.

And I also wanted to say

how much you meant to me as a kid

and what a big fan of the show I was.

Thank you.

It really made my childhood more bearable.

And I know you might not be proud of it,

but you really were so talented.

You know, not every child actor can find happiness

away from Hollywood and the fame.

- I'm bummed you're not doing the reboot. - -Yeah,

they're bringing everyone else back,

but you stay up here

and, uh, throw up feet.

Hey, hey, wait up.

Uh, before you go, I just wanted to say that I'm so sad you won't be joining our wine club.

-Well, yeah. -But are you sure you don't want to love tangle?

- I mean, I would stay, but, uh... - Yeah?

-...my wife probably wouldn't. -Oh! Oh, so you would stay?

What? you want to stay and tangle?

- You decide. - I think we'll probably head out.

Our souls are pretty tired from achieving unity.

Yeah, our souls are like, bushed.

- Yeah. - Oh, my God!

- But thank you, Tovah, so much... - -Oh, my God!

- ...truly, for everything. You're, you're really sweet. -Yes!

- We should keep in touch. - -Now, take those fingers...

Sadly, that's impossible, as we have no means

-of communication with the main world. -Sure.

-Right. Right. -Yep.

- Well, wish you the best. - Oh, yes!

And if you ever want to visit us in the main world...

- I love this song! - ...you know where to look us up.

I actually don't.

-Just some people say, babe. -Yeah.

Let's try to get out of here.

- Okay, bye. - Oh.

-Okay. -Have fun there.

Yeah.

Whoo!

What are you guys doing?

- Oh, my God. - Are you good to drive?

No, babe. I'm not good to drive.

- Hey, um... - Hmm?

You want to talk about how the love of your life,

- Gooch Baker, started a cult? - No.

No? No?

Ugh, poor Tovah.

-Poor Tovah? -Got rescued from one cult,

straight into another cult.

Whoa! She was in another cult?

Yeah. That's what she told me

when we were getting ready for the ceremony.

What a fucking idiot.

-She's not an idiot. -Oh, well...

They have really smart people

who can get indoctrinated into a cult.

-Mm-hmm. -In fact, you can even know

that you're getting indoctrinated and still get indoctrinated.

The brain is weird.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, I can tell you this, babe.

Your husband

will never be indoctrinated.

Oh, yeah. You'd never join a cult?

-No! -Oh, sure.

-What about-- Just an example. -Okay.

What about, um, your fantasy football league

where your all-powerful leader

made you do this ritual where you spend 24 hours

-in a waffle house and shit your pants? -Uh-uh, uh-uh.

What about that? That's different?

That's different because I came in last place.

-Oh, what does that mean? -It means that

-I had to be penalized because-- -'Cause, what?

-Like, rules and structures that are in place? -Yes. There's a leader

-who sets forth rules and if-- -Alright.

And you guys wear all the same outfits, right?

At the ceremonies, we do.

Like, who's in two cults, babe?

Like, who, who does two cults?

I mean, I guess if you do one and you like it...

Why? Why would you like it?

Oh, my God. Oh, I'm sorry.

I think we're in the wrong room.

- You have the right room. - We need to talk.

My name's Glenn Stroman, private investigator.

This is my associate.

-Oh, that guy. -I was hired by the family

of a resident of the vineyard owned by Charles Marvin.

I need some information to pass on

to my former colleagues at the Department of Justice.

I need to expose the group that's living up there for what it is.

I'll tell you what it really is. It's a fucking cult.

-Yeah, it's a cult. -Yes.

Yes, it is a cult.

But is everyone there of their own free will?

Are they planning on hurting anyone?

Are they planning on hurting themselves?

I need your help.

I've been working on this case for six months.

Your car is the first car I've seen leave and come back,

other than the vineyard manager who's off on recruiting trips

because she's gone for weeks at a time.

Who's, uh, who's the family that hired you?

- Phil. This is Phil. - Um...

I'm not at liberty to say that.

You know what? Give me the address. I'll look it up on Google Earth.

- Here we go. - Enough with the Google Earth!

If he wants to go to the house, he'll go see the house.

You want to see my brother's house? It's in Bethesda.

Philip, it is time for This Is Us to start.

Are they going to say who the father of Deja's baby is?

Oh, my God. If you're going to ask me these type of questions,

- I'm not going to watch with you. - -Okay.

-Can I join the cult? Think-- -Uh-uh, uh-uh.

-No. -I'm not, Phil.

-You guys want to...? -No, we're good.

- No, thank you. - Yeah.

Did you learn anything about

their source of funding?

I don't know. I mean,

Charlie must have made over,

what, $100 million in royalties?

No, babe. He did not make over $100 million.

At his peak, he's maybe making, like, over a mil a year,

but not even close to that anymore.

Okay, so how's he been funding them for this long?

Tovah.

-Huh? -Sorry, did you--

Did you say Tovah?

Tovah's last name is Fuffi.

-Wait, as in Fuffi Pets? -Oh, yeah. That's where my family gets all

-their pet food. -Wait, so she's like, a billionaire?

-Have you met her? -Yeah, she's really sweet.

-She's a little nuts, but she's sweet. -Yeah.

So you know she's been in a cult before this.

She's been in four.

-Four? -You said four?

Four cults?

Yes, four cults.

Wait, so Charlie's just, like,

cleaning this poor girl out?

-What an anus, dude. -Listen to me.

I need you to convince Tovah

to come back to this hotel

where I can bring her family and they can plead their case.

-You want to help me? -Wait, you want us to go

-back up there? -I don't know.

Let me add that the family is offering a substantial reward

for the safe recovery of their daughter.

-Yeah, I'm sure there is, man. But-- -How much?

Oh, babe.

Substantial.

I genuinely think

we should help this poor girl.

You know, and then if, in a totally separate secondary way,

we ended up with some extra money to help us pay rent for a couple of months,

I wouldn't be mad. It would buy us some extra time

-to figure shit out. -All right.

Well, then the first problem is,

how do we even get Tovah back to the motel?

I don't know. I have to run errands, right?

Oh, yeah. You just, like, see if she needs something from Sephora.

Maybe. I don't know. I'll figure it out.

I feel really, really bad for her.

And I think she really trusts me.

Like, we kind of bonded

while she was helping me get ready.

What do you mean you bonded?

You know, we talked about-- We talked about you.

-No, you didn't. Did you? -Yes, we did.

-Maybe. -Did you?

She said she wanted to "enter our energy."

I told her you were too chicken shit for a threesome.

- And you are, so I was right. - No.

I absolutely would have done it. You, you wouldn't have done it.

You'd want that?

You'd want that?

You know what I really want?

What?

You're gonna touch my beard right now?

-Babe, you can't do this right now. -What?

-You just-- -I wasn't done with the song, either.

-Here, you can have beard. -Oh, thank you.

You can have a beard. And when we go back in there, though,

I want love tangle.

-You would never. -I totally would.

-You wouldn't. -Yes!

-Oh, my God! -Oh! Fuck!

What is he saying? What is he saying?

What are you saying?

Do you have American online?

-I need to ask Jeeves something. -Oh.

Neither one of those things exist anymore, man.

We can just Google it for you.

I wanted to speak to Jeeves, please.

I don't understand. I thought the show jumped the shark

when the Gooch accidentally shot himself into space

-when he was delivering those muffins to Cape Canaveral. -Cape Canaveral.

-That's a real thing. -Yeah. Yeah. No, they're rebooting everything right now.

-They are? -Oh, my God, yeah. Family Matters.

-Oh, yeah. -They're doing Family Ties. All the family ones.

-They're doing Roseanne. No, Roseanne. -Yeah. But not 7th Heaven.

-Uh, Will & Grace. -Will & Grace ? We smoked Will & Grace

-in the Nielsen ratings. -Yeah, but Nielsen ratings don't really matter anymore.

-Yeah. -Everything's just pretty much streaming.

- What the fuck is streamings? - Yo, Gooch,

pass the rock.

This is basketball practice.

The Gooch!

Oh, oh, who, oh, who's that?

-That guy looks familiar. -Are you serious?

What? I did 112 episodes.

I can't remember every Joe Shmo.

That guy is, like, one of eight people you know.

Yeah, he's in your cult.

-I did not start a cult! -Well...

I started a community of artists

who, like me, reject the greed and materialism of Hollywood

and who like smoking weed and drinking wine.

No, I, I'm so sorry. I thought you, like, found Jesus or something.

Jesus? No, I was drunk and high

when I said that shit.

I was rich and bored, so I took my phone,

throw it in the ocean, fired my agent,

quit the show, and bought this vineyard.

Next thing you know, years go by,

my friends start leaving, and I'm left with a, a bunch of weirdos

that I don't even know. I don't even know these people!

Okay, so let me get this straight. This is about, what, like,

fucking girls or guys?

-I don't know your situation. -Is it about fucking?

I don't fuck anyone!

Do you know how hard it is to maintain an erection

when the other person worships you like a God?

There's just like-- It's a weird power dynamic.

Okay, that's actually-- That's kind of progressive. I actually really respect that.

If you don't know any of these people, they're all weirdos

to you, then how'd you meet Kelly?

-Huh? -Kelly? Ugh!

I don't-- I don't even know. She just showed up one day

-and said she could make us better wine. -Mm.

Next thing you know, she's telling people

I'm some sort of God that can read feet and...

I don't even like feet.

I think feet are gross!

How about you stop putting them in your mouth?

I am the victim here. You gotta--

You gotta help me get out.

You want us to help you escape your own cult.

I am so tired of being worshipped like a spiritual leader.

I just...

I want to be worshipped like an actor.

-Hmm. -Okay, so just tell everyone

it's bullshit and leave.

And go where, okay?

I got emancipated from my parents at 15.

I don't have anyone. I don't have any siblings.

I don't have any friends.

The only person I had was my agent.

Ugh.

Dizzy Dapperfuck.

-That cannot be his real name. -Not a chance.

I don't even remember his real name.

I just know he was the only person that I had.

Maybe call him up.

-Say, "I want to do the reboot." -After I betrayed him?

I was his first client. I quit on him.

You were a kid. I'm sure he'll forgive you.

Maybe you can help me.

You can find him and bring him here.

Listen, I haven't left this vineyard in 20 years.

-I am scared. -I know.

And maybe Dizzy can help you

with, with your writing.

You, you, Joshua,

are a great writer.

-How would you know? -You left your script on the table on the deck.

And I picked it up.

And I could not put it down.

- Uh, I'm honored. I'm honored. - Well, it was nearly perfect.

Thank you. I mean, you want to stay here and help him out?

- You don't think this sounds very fucking stupid? - Of course it's fucking stupid.

I'm looking up an agent for a guy who hasn't worked in 20 years.

But you've got to do stupid shit if you want to make it. I mean, remember?

You wouldn't take all those prerequisites just to get your masters?

You didn't think it was stupid you had to take statistics to be a therapist?

No. I think that's completely different.

Well, I, I think it's the same.

Oh, here. I found an article from 1998.

It lists Charlie's agent as a David Dapperman. Hmm.

You realize we have the opportunity to make $10,000?

You realize I have the opportunity to meet with a real agent?

Like, I could have a career.

Oh, great. It lists...

IMDB. Hey, IMDB has his email.

Oh, great. What is it? DizzyDapper@fuck.com?

Let me just see where this goes. And if nothing happens, we can still save Tovah tomorrow.

God has spoken to me through our newcomers,

who, after our private lovemaking session,

have decided to stay.

He has bestowed upon me a great responsibility.

I have invited an agent of Hollywood

- to our precious lands... - What? No.

...in order to save his soul.

- Canto 106. - -Not another fucking canto.

"A venomous serpent of Hollywood lies in wait,

eager to consume any brother of the vine with his lies.

Beware the agent of this serpent."

He can't eat the paper.

Mm-hmm.

Canto 106A.

"Agents are the best people ever and are to be welcomed.

They contribute significantly to the betterment of mankind,

and we find them, personally, quite pleasant."

- Thanks, Utah. - -That was a lot of words, kid.

-Hey, uh, I'm Josh. I'm actually the person-- -Mm. Where is he?

I got a 7 p.m. flight to catch.

Uh, it's actually going to be this way. It's a little bit of a hike...

...but, I think, it shouldn't be anything.

- In fact, we'll have-- - Park it.

Time to talk.

Yeah, so, um, Charlie's been up here, you know,

just building all this stuff. He's, he's quite a persu--

-persuasive person, you know, uh... -Mm-hmm.

...kind of gets everybody to believe in him,

and they do these things called cantos.

-Do you know what a canto is? -I have no clue what you're talking about.

Oh, they're kind of like, um, inspirational quotes,

-uh, that Charlie wrote, you know? -Uh-huh. Is this--

And, uh, I think even, like, since I've been here, I've helped write a couple.

I am a writer. I don't know if I said that to you.

Is this really the way to get there?

And here is the spot.

Oh, well, well, well.

I knew you'd come one day trying to get me back.

Well, I won't do it. I am done!

Well, some guy emailed me asking me to come up here.

Ah, fine.

I'll hear you out.

But wait outside. I'm not ready.

We don't have to play these games anymore.

Would you like some water while you wait?

-Sure. -Well, you can't have any.

-We're in a drought. -Hold on!

I come bearing gifts.

Your favorite,

genuine Los Angeles Mexican food.

Oh, yes.

Okay, you've twisted my arm enough.

I'm ready to go back to work. I'm ready for this reboot.

You're my guy, right?

I'm sorry to break it to you, kid.

-This town is done with you. -What?

You spit in their face.

-The show moved on. -What?

They made two more seasons without you.

How do you do Baker's Dozen without Gooch Baker?

-Gooch Baker was Baker's Dozen ! -They just said you went to college.

Then the next season, we found out that

you joined the Marines in a special 9/11 episode.

9/11?

What happened to 10? Was episode 9 a two-parter?

- No, not episodes. September 11th. -Never forget?

-Never forget. -Never forget what?

-Osama bin Laden. -Osama Laden?

He flew two planes into the World Trade Center.

Oh! Jesus Christ!

Was anyone hurt?

- I don't know. - Yeah, they were all hurt.

-Many people. We're still hurt as a nation. -Th-- This is horrible.

- And I need to put out a statement. - -What?

- Saying what? - Condemning the attack.

People need to know that this vineyard

-does not condone such behavior. -No one thinks you do.

No one thinks that you're running a vineyard that's pro 9/11.

I don't want to keep running a cult, okay?

But if it's the only gig I can get, I'll do it.

But that's too restrained.

Do I have to keep running this cult?

Charlie, producers never forgive.

You are difficult for them.

But look at me now.

Look at me.

I have matured.

I am an adult now.

Look at me. Look at me. Just...

Just I'll do anything to show them

that my ego is not an issue.

Please.

You haven't acted for 20 years.

They don't even know what you look like.

Um, if I could. What if he put himself on tape?

Like a proof of concept. Like, Charlie could show he's still, he's still got it.

-Isn't that a thing, like, actors do when they really-- -Who the fuck are you?

I'm Josh, man! I'm Josh! We go way back!

Josh, I don't go way back with you!

-I'm a writer! -He's a writer!

He's a very talented writer!

He, he wrote a great script

that I want to star in called American Rat.

Once my comeback is underway, you can help with this, right?

You can help with this.

-American Rat ? -Yeah, that's me.

That is a great title!

Thanks, man! Yeah, I just realized that, like,

movies with "American" in the title, like, do really, really well.

-So I put American Rat. -Exactly.

That's what I told Sam Mendes before American Beauty.

-Uh-huh. -He wanted to just call it Beauty.

-Ah! -Fucking idiot!

He's a fucking idiot. He's a fucking idiot.

Fucking idiot!

-Fucking idiot! -Fucking idiot!

Fucking idiot!

I'm a big Sam Mendes fan.

-I like, I like his work a lot. -Oh, really?

I just had one meeting with him.

I don't know who he is.

Oh, my God, Tovah! That looks so fun!

-Wait, you want to join? -I've always wanted to do that.

Wait, you should join. Come on.

Get your 5.7s in here.

-Okay. -I--

- Don't have to tell me twice. - Oh, whoa!

- Don't put-- Don't... - What's going on?

Hey, hey, Brian! Do you want to come watch us wrestle?

You know, your, uh, private lovemaking session with the Elder,

it really seems to have opened you up sexually.

Brian, what the fuck was that? What are you saying about?

Maker said that your private lovemaking session with the Elder

is what convinced you and your husband to return

-and join the Wine Club forever. -Yeah.

No.

- No. - It sounded really good.

-No, we didn't do that. -It's sad you didn't invite me.

Elder confirmed it, so it is true.

No, it's not.

It sounded really hot.

- Can I--? - Oh!

-She's puking. -Oh, my God.

-It's probably morning sickness. -Yeah, she's pregnant.

I'm his guy. That's exactly what he told me. I'm his guy.

I'll get it for you, okay?

All right.

Yeah. Come on, come on. All right.

Hey, looks good, huh?

-Yeah? -Whoo!

Yeah?

I just got off with the showrunner.

-Right. -If you can put yourself on tape reading

and show that you can play the part

of Sergeant Gooch Baker

of the United States Marines...

...they will consider putting you in the reboot.

Oh!

I will do better than reading.

I will film a whole damn scene.

- How are you going to do that? - Uh, I'll do it.

I'll film it on my, on my iPhone.

Wow!

-Huh? -Look at you!

- Writer-director. - I-- Yeah. Yeah.

-I should be signing him instead of you. -Yeah?

I assume he would like to write on the show?

I would love to write on the show.

- If you get me him on tape as Gooch Baker... - -Mm-hmm.

- ...as he is right now... - Yeah.

...you get me this footage,

I can guarantee you a job.

Oh, fuck!

-Th-- thank you. Thank you. -Hey.

I'm going to go buy some new suits.

Oh!

-Thanks for helping me. -You know I'd do anything for you.

You're such a sweet person.

I, I really want good things for you.

Hey, can I ask you kind of a personal question?

-Oh. -Is there, like, a Sephora near here

and would you want to go later?

What--?

You want to leave the grounds?

Yeah. What? Does Charlie not let you leave?

I mean, according to the Book of the Vine, the influence of Hollywood's corruption

extends far beyond its borders.

But the Maker goes on trips.

Yes, but that is to convert grapes into wine.

Wow. So you, like, really trust the Elder.

Yeah. With my life.

Okay, but what if

the Elder wasn't who he said he was?

- How dare you, you fucking cunt? - Oh, I'll kill you.

I hope all of your children are born with diabetes.

-Tovah, what's going on? -Oh, she's sent here to destroy us.

She questioned the integrity of the Maker and the Elder. She is a suppressive cork!

Kill that bitch!

It was a test. It was a test. It was a test. Oh, my God.

- It was a test. - What?

-It was a test. -Duh!

The Elder

sent me to test Tovah's loyalty. Okay?

-Of course. -That makes sense.

You guys look so dumb right now. Seriously,

you look... I wish you could see your dumb faces.

Embarrassing. I'm embarrassed for you guys.

Does the Elder think of me as being disloyal?

Yeah. I didn't want to tell you because look how upset you are.

So humiliating, but he did. Uh...

And the good news is, you passed.

I, I passed?

Yes, girl!

-Congrats. -I passed. I passed!

-You passed! Fuck yeah! -Tovah!

- That's so cool! - Yeah.

-Shit, baby! -That's so cool! I love you!

Oh! Oh, that's great. Oh...

-You scared me. -You scared me, girlfriend.

By the way, I've been meaning to ask you, um, what's your favorite color?

Because I really want to make you a friendship bracelet for your next birthday.

I love giving birthday presents

and last year, I made Maker a lake house.

Blue?

What took you so long? Some of the cash blew away.

I had to run after like an asshole.

Just trying to see who these new people were.

-Oh, they're still here? -Who are they?

Some random couple showed up after their wedding and wanted a tasting.

Thought they might be more or something, but they're not.

-They're just idiots. -Huh.

Thank you, Bank of Tovah.

You'll thank even more when she turns 25.

Oh, I trust I will.

Until then, where next?

Never been to Bora Bora.

The island's so nice, they named it twice.

-Eh? -Come on.

So, who's the other guy?

What other guy?

It was the short bald guy,

walked like a hobbit, kinda.

He carried around a brown paper bag

like it was a suitcase.

What the fuck is Charlie doing?

Before I get into what I learned

at my God-ordained meeting,

by a show of hands,

who here has heard of 9/11?

Wow, well, uh, thanks for telling me about it.

What else haven't you guys told me about?

Babe, I just need a few more hours.

-Are you serious? -Yes.

She almost choked me to death.

And Charlie claimed we had

a private love-making session.

Does that not raise any red flags for you?

Amanda, I have some real momentum here, okay?

- We can't just leave. - I'm gonna get a real agent.

-Who? Dazzy Dipperfuck? -It's Dizzy Dapperfuck.

The world is a much darker place

than it was when we first created a life here.

Dizzy has power. I'm not making this up.

And he has relationships.

If I can get back on the reboot of Baker's Dozen,

I'm gonna make like 5k a week.

There are dark forces coming at us.

Fine, okay. Can you just ask Charlie to talk to Tovah?

It'd be so much easier to get her to come talk to her family

-if she knew the truth. -I can try.

...must train.

So Cecil will be passing out some prop weapons,

which I stole from a gritty independent feature I did

as a child, called Titty Kids,

about a gang of marauding children

who live on Lake Titicaca.

It was a commercial failure

and also a critical failure.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Now, we will be filming this training session

for the purposes of studying it later.

So mistakes will be pointed out,

and mistakes will be

punished.

We'll do another tracking shot. Two tracking shots right there.

Yeah, man. Uh, Charlie, there's actually something I've been thinking about.

What if you stop telling everybody

that you speak directly to God?

Especially Tovah.

Just, kind of like, let it down, you know what I mean?

Can I tell you my, my favorite part of your screenplay? C-- Can we?

Y-- Yes, but, but I want to tell you for some--

-But I want, but I want to tell you about your screenplay. -I know.

But I want to tell you about your screenplay.

-Okay. All right. -My favorite part

-is when Detective Horn inherits Betsy... -Yeah?

-...the, the parrot that curses a lot... -Yeah, uh-huh.

...from his dead dad.

- Thank you so much. That means so much to me. -Elder Charles.

-Why are you in camo? -So the enemy won't see me.

Oh.

Can I borrow Joshua for a second?

Make it quick. We're losing light.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

- Keep writing. Never stop writing. -Never. Never gonna stop.

-Hey, Maker. -Hi.

-Hey. -Losing light for what?

Oh, um... I think Charlie just wants to shoot

like a, "Power of God, uh, speaks through me," thing.

So...

Um,

is there another visitor here?

Oh.

I, I don't know.

-Yeah. -What was discussed with the Elder?

I, uh, I don't even know if that'd be for me to say, even if there was one.

But I suppose that would be

between the Elder, right, and the visitor.

Oh, and God, of course.

-So... Yeah. -Of course.

Yeah.

Something bothering you... Maker?

Oh, well, um, it's just that,

you know, I... graciously welcomed you and your wife

-into our wine club and... -Right.

...I just sense a shift in the balance.

Actually, I think it was Tovah

who brought us in.

And Tovah...

Tovah feels really important

to this... whole thing

that you got going on.

-Everyone's important here. -Yeah.

Excuse me, Joshua. I have just spoken to God.

Maker, will you excuse us?

I gotta go. Huh?

-God calls. -Yeah. God calls.

All right.

See you in a bit.

What'd she say, buddy?

I just thought of an episode of the reboot.

-Okay. Um-hum. -Get this.

The president of America is visiting the bakery.

And while he's there,

he is ambushed by assassins.

And the Gooch is on leave

-from Afghanistan. -Yeah.

And he's the only one who can save the president

after all the secret service agents are,

"Pow! Pow! Pow!",

killed!

-And we'll call the episode... -Okay.

..."Pie Hard."

-Like Die Hard, but with pies. -Right, yeah.

Um, okay.

-I just-- Quick question? -Yes.

Why is the president even at the bakery?

Why is the president in the bakery?

Yeah, like, wh-- why is he even there?

Do you not know anything about being in a writer's room?

I don't.

When the star of the show

pitches you an idea,

you smile and you nod

and you tell him it's great.

And if you have any fucking questions,

you keep the fucking questions

to your fucking self!

Fuck!

I am so sorry I had to chew out your ass.

Welcome to the business.

Come in.

-Hey. -Hey!

Um, have you talked to Charlie yet?

About how I choked you and wished diabetes on your children?

Because I was just following the word of the Book of the Vine.

-Here, I'll, I'll show you. -No, no, no. I don't need to see it.

No, thank you. I'm not gonna read it. Um, no.

He was supposed to talk to you about...

...uh...

You know what? Never mind.

Forget I said anything. Um, I think we're just gonna leave.

-Again? -Yeah.

Hmm.

Um, there's no chance

you'd consider coming with us, is there?

No, there's nothing out there for me.

You know, Tovah, actually, I think you'd find that's not true.

You know, there are people who love you and who are worried about you.

You love me?

Ye-- Yes.

Um, well, no, but I love you

like the way your parents love you.

My parents are suppressive corks.

- Got it. - Ew.

-That's gross. -No, I thought-- I don't know what I thought.

That would do. Um, okay, well, then I guess,

uh, we'll s-- we'll see ya when we see ya.

Um, and we're, we're gonna... we're leaving,

-but if you change your mind, we'll be out there, okay? -Okay.

-For a little while, not for a long time, okay? -I'm not going to.

-All right. -Bye!

Roll on, ready when you are, when you want to crest.

Ther-- There it is.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay, watch out.

You almost, you almost sh-- you almost shot Utah there.

Okay, yeah, where do you get it? All of you need to get under.

- You're caught. - It's 50, Elder.

Oh, you're-- Call your man over to you.

-Regroup them. -Boys!

-Yes? -Boys!

It's time to kill!

Avenge the train tower!

Fuck it.

- Fuck the ten grand. - I don't care how many cults

this lunatic has been in. We've been here for two nights.

We're not even supposed to be here one. It's time to go.

Okay, yeah, um,

I just need a little bit more time.

Please relax.

Don't tell me to relax. You don't know half the crazy shit

I've been through.

You're right. I'm sorry. I just...

This is... This is bad.

Ryan gets dropped.

They took your men.

Okay.

Maybe not the noises. Maybe just like... Yeah. Yeah.

I am coming for you, Osana.

Osama.

Osama, Osama.

You just found out you're going home.

Oh, I'm going back to the bakery?

- Yeah. - -I can smell the donuts.

I can smell the muffins.

I can smell...

...love.

Oh, my God, babe.

This is great.

-This is so great. -Really?

Yeah, I mean, I have a couple notes if you want to hear them.

-Okay. -Delete it. This is garbage.

It looks like a low-budget terrorist video.

-Oh, you lied. -Yeah, it's awful.

-Oh. -Why would this be great?

Why would I ever say it was great ?

Oh, I don't know. The notes part, though,

made me think that you had something constructive to say.

But no. That was...

But maybe if I... Look,

-what if I focus over here? -I want to go home.

Me too. But I just

need to finish this.

This isn't anything. There is nothing to finish.

This is scary garbage.

Maybe there's something here.

9/12, I love you!

And then look up, and then I'll fade it out.

I love you.

I love you!

- Okay, and then slate. - This is Charlie Marvin, uh, formerly Gooch Baker.

I am 5'11.

Uh, I am no longer SAG, uh...

-He slates at one point and he screws that up. -I'm Charlie Marvin.

I messed up my part. I am Charlie Marvin,

-formerly played Gooch Baker. -Babe.

-I believe I am back... -You doing the melting thing?

...eligible but also, I have not acted

or lived in society in 20 years.

Hmm?

Are you going to shave?

You're going to melt on the floor?

Hey, just remember, you wanted to come back up here.

I'm not going to help clean you up.

You're going to hurt your head.

Okay.

Is there any taste or...?

Hmm. Mm.

- It could use a few more months of aging. - -Ah.

-Yeah. Look at this. -Let me see.

-Tastes like dick. -Oh my gosh. Everything is dick with you.

I, I give you one glass of wine, you say it tastes like dick.

I give you another glass of wine, you say it tastes like dick.

- It's obviously the grapes-- - Well,

I want to debut a new wine tonight,

so it will have to do.

Um, why the, why the rush?

Well, it's just been a strange few days,

and now that the newcomers seem to finally be gone,

I just think it's important for us to remind ourselves what this life is all about.

-Everything tastes like dick. -What do you want me to say?

- I-- Say it doesn't taste like dick for once. - -Okay.

Uh, can I ask you another question, Maker?

Of course.

Where do you go on your trips?

To turn grapes into wine, of course.

-Oh, of course. -Why do you ask me this?

Oh, just Amanda, the newcomer asked me. I, I was just curious.

Oh, well, Tovah, you know

what the Book of the Vine says about curiosity.

Do you need a refresher course on your cantos?

Perhaps I do. I'm so sorry.

I, um...

Well, now I know why the Elder

asked Amanda to impose a test of loyalty on me.

-A what? -Oh, Amanda had questioned your intentions

and the Elder's intentions to me, so I responded

exactly how you told me to in a situation like that.

I called her a cunt and wished diabetes on her future children.

And then she told me it was a test, and I passed.

Thank goodness.

Seriously? You're upset we left the cult.

Yeah, I'm upset we left the cult.

-Why? You sent the thing. -Yeah, but I'll probably never hear

from Dizzy again or the Elder,

and he's gonna get cast in that show, but guess what?

They're not gonna think of me, so I won't be a writer,

and he definitely won't star in American Rat,

so guess what I get to do? I get to go back

to making no money, and then your family can wonder,

"Oh, why did she marry such a fucking loser?

-I guess we'll never know." -Okay, you realize you just called him

-the Elder in private, right? -Yeah, well,

he likes my script, so I'll call him whatever he wants.

You know, if you're this insecure about where you are in life,

I don't think you should go get your old job back,

but I think you need to figure out something else to do.

Oh, yeah? Like what, Amanda? Should I be a winemaker?

I don't know. I want you to be happy. What makes you happy?

Because you weren't happy at your old job,

and you're not happy chasing this dream.

Is this even your dream,

or is this about some Malibu beach house I never asked for?

No, seriously, because I feel like if this was your dream,

you would have done more than write a couple drafts of one script,

and you'd be a lot happier chasing it.

Like, if the only way that you feel like enough

is by being some successful screenwriter,

then you're not gonna feel like enough when you are one.

So...

Do you want to go inside the room?

No.

Fine.

I'll probably just stay in the car, but...

...you can go.

I'm just gonna... sit here

and have a breakdown.

Where did you get those?

Did you send someone off grounds?

I asked Jeeves for them.

-The Internet Jeeves? -No, Jeeves, my friend.

Hey, how come we're on a vineyard,

and these grocery store grapes

are so much better than our grapes?

Um...

It doesn't matter. Elder, you seem unwell.

What troubles you?

I'm waiting to hear from somebody,

and it is annoying.

Yeah, well, God only speaks on his time.

Yeah, well, it's been 40 minutes, and I'm getting antsy.

Elder, did you sanction some kind of loyalty test on Tovah?

You may sanction my youth if you don't stop asking me these questions.

I'm going to be very direct.

I did not want these people here.

I am trying to protect what we are doing here.

And what are we doing here? What are we doing here?

Do you know something about these two newcomers?

-Like what? -Are, are the feds

-snooping around us? -The feds?

-Why would the feds be snooping around? -I don't know.

You know, maybe in search of a crime,

those who choose to live differently have

always been persecuted by our government.

The only crime...

- Oh, gosh. - -The only crime that we're committing here

is the crime of love and loneliness.

-What? -The only crime that we're--

-Elder, who was the third visitor? -There was no third visitor.

You're planning something with Tovah?

Is, is that why you sanctioned a loyalty test on her?

Stop it. Give me that.

I'm trying to see how many grapes I can fit in my mouth.

Leave me alone.

Th--

How many is that?

It's not even Charlie we have to worry about. He wants off the vineyard, too.

No, Tovah's Kelly's golden fucking goose.

You know, we're dealing with some dangerous manipulative people.

They search for people that are looking for something,

looking for a light. They promise them this light.

They make them think they can grab this light

and reach for this light. As long as they trust them,

they don't realize they only reaching for the moon.

Where-- Where's your husband?

Oh, yeah. He's in the car.

I just realized he's reaching for the moon.

You're in trouble, too?

Yeah, but

probably not the same type of trouble as you, Phil.

Uh, I was talking during This Is Us...

...and Buttersauce has this rule.

If I talk during an episode, she restarts the episode,

even if it's, you know, nearly at the end of the episode.

-So how come you talk? -Well, the characters are very richly drawn,

so I, I have questions.

I can't help myself.

Oh, my God. I've been such an idiot.

-Ah. -I just keep telling her like,

"Oh, I've, I've got this figured out.

I know exactly what the plan is here.

It's our story. Just listen to me."

Oh, nice. We're all idiots.

Um...

No, man, I'm, like, really an idiot.

I just keep going on and on like, "Oh, this is our story.

Oh, this is gonna work out," and I'm just lying to myself.

And worse, I'm lying to Amanda.

Uh, I'm gonna show you something.

Okay. But it better not be Google Earth.

-I promise it's not Google Earth. -All right.

Goddamn it. Phil, that's Google Earth.

This is the bar in upstate New York where I met my wife.

We were camp counselors together

back in 1989.

And our night off, we, uh, we snuck off to a motel.

A lot like this one.

-And they had a, a playground, you know, for the kids. -Mm-hmm.

-So I was fingering her on top of the tube slide. -Okay.

And we started boning.

And I don't know how it happened, but I, I lost grip of her legs.

-Mm-hmm. -And she slid down the slide,

all the way, on her back.

And it was one of those curvy, bumpy slides,

-so-- -Yeah. Yeah, I'm familiar.

It was funny, you know?

Anyway, I like to send her random Google Earth images

of our, our past adventures.

She likes to be reminded of,

of our weird journey together, even...

...even if we're fighting, which is...

-...a lot. -A lot, yeah.

'Cause I, I'm an idiot.

Me too.

Oh, hey.

Hello?

Yes. Okay.

Yeah, I'm coming.

I will be good.

All right.

All right. Buttersauce calls.

-Let me head back up. -All right.

-Makeup sex, right? You know what I'm saying? -I...

-Boom. -I...

It's the richest kind.

-Hey, Phil. -Yeah.

Maybe don't talk.

- Boys, it's time to kill! - Oh, my God.

It's hard when you get to the end.

You gotta... get a lot of air in here.

You gotta...

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want wine?

She got bagged wine. It's bagged.

But it's the last call 'cause I'm gonna kill it.

All right. I'm just gonna finish it then.

No one would buy it if it looked like this.

-That's why they have to put it in the box too. -No. It's--

But it tastes good. It tastes a little bit like that.

-You know what? You have to try it. -No. I--

-This is your wine. -Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, what? You know, I don't care.

Look, Dizzy sold the fucking video to TMZ.

They think that Charlie's running some sort of, like,

- militia cult up there. - Ah, Jesus.

Okay, well, at least they don't know how to use the Internet.

Kelly knows how to use the Internet, and she's not gonna like

this kind of attention given whatever scheme she's got going on up there.

And I'm pretty sure she's not gonna let Tovah leave her side.

-How do you know that? -Well, Tovah's 25th birthday is coming up.

She'll have access to her trust.

Okay. We have to go back.

-We have to at least try and get her. -Babe.

No, I don't even care about the money.

She doesn't deserve this.

She needs to know the truth.

Okay.

Do you, you need me to go with you?

No. No, you stay here. She trusts us.

-Maker, what's going on? Are we tasting wine? -Not yet.

Now, before we begin tasting,

we must unveil something much bigger than a new wine.

What? Uh...

Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

-Who are you? -Um, a really nice guy.

Guy at our motel told us there was a, a vineyard here,

so we figured we'd come check it out.

He even said they might have free tastings,

so, we were like, excited.

He showed it to us on Google Earth.

He was, like, psyched about Google Earth.

- What do you do? - I'm a model.

-Heard of Bitcoin? -You can have a seat.

- Thank you all. So nice, so nice to meet you. -Welcome. Welcome.

-Welcome. -Nice to meet you guys.

- They're investments. - All right. Now...

-We have a personnel... -This is good?

- It's weird. - I present to you

Cecil, the new keeper...

...of the New Testament...

...of the Book of the Vine.

- Wow. - Um, uh, excuse me.

Maker, where is the Elder?

Dizzy?

Joshua?

- How's it taste? - Canto 563...

-Like dick. -..."Those who seek to divide,

seek to destroy--"

Recto 7. "All canto's are now null and void."

Mm.

Canto 1829.

-"Once a canto is written it is etched... -We're fine.

...in stone for all of eternity,

unless the Elder rips out the page and stuffs it in his mouth."

Recto 9. "The gold standard of the Zababris relic of a bygone age

with no place in the modern economy."

What is going on in here?

I am explaining to your flock how you have lost your way

and succumbed to the temptation that is Hollywood.

That's right. I heard about the agent.

You have brought the devil in among us.

The soul that was not for sale 20 years ago has been sold.

No, I have not sold my soul to Hollywood.

- Hollywood has sold its soul to me! - -Enough!

God has spoken new words and we must follow them.

And those words say that Elder Charles must be excommunicated.

No, no, no. God has spoken new words to me too.

-No. -And he says he's excited

for me to reprise my role as Gooch Baker.

-And he is excited for the reboot of A Baker's Dozen. -Is this like dinner theater?

God also told me that we have to raise funds for a new vineyard

and that anyone who stays back here with Elder Charles

will be suppressive corks.

-What? -What?

-No, but who will lead... -No.

...our souls to unity at the new vineyard?

I am so glad you asked, Crystal,

because if you read the New Testament of the Book of the Vine,

you will see that God's new vessel

-is-- -Tovah!

Hey, you have to listen to us.

-None of this is real. -Kelly's been taking money

out of your bank account every single month.

She knows you're due for a big trust fund payout.

Yeah, you don't need to be living in a trailer

where all these people steal your money. So fucked.

- What money? - Charlie, come on, man.

You don't know Tovah's a Fuffi? Fuffi pets?

-Where Bob and Rosemary humble-stole, my parents? -Okay, okay, okay.

-They get all their pet stuff from her-- -Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Wait a second. So did Dizzy send the audition tape

-to the producers? -Charlie.

Tovah, just come with me, okay?

-No. -We have much spiritual work to do.

Do not listen to her, okay? Hey, look at me. Look me in the eyes.

I know you don't want to believe you joined a fourth cult,

-but you did. You did. -You did. You did.

No, no, no. This is not a cult.

-This is Wine Club. This is family. -Family.

- Families don't love tangle. - They don't.

Did you call the police?

No, we didn't call the police. We're not narcs, dude.

Well, why are there police sirens?

Who called the fucking police?

Who called the fucking police?

Tovah!

Concord? Mordecai, what are you doing here?

Concord?

-Shit. -Wait, you know these guys?

-Your name's Mordecai? -A family name.

Yeah, do you remember how I told you that Elder and Maker rescued me from a cult?

- Yeah. - It was his cult.

- It was Concord's? - No, Mordecai's.

- I don't get it. - I love you, Tovah.

Oh, my God! Okay. Is everyone here completely full of shit?

Tovah, it's time to come home to your mat.

It's waiting for you patiently.

Come home to your mat, Tovah.

Come home! I love you.

He loves you.

I love you, Tovah!

-You're one of my wives. -No, no, no, no.

-What the fuck? -I am home now, and what I thought

-was home with you is actually a cult. -Hm.

Look at-- This is a cult, okay? What's wrong with-- What happened...

The Phil guy said this was a cult. Thought he was joking.

...but we are a better cult, right? We're so much better. We're fun.

-You know, we go on trips. -Better facilities.

There's way better facilities, right?

No, I'm not falling for these mind tricks.

I'm not falling for your manipulations.

Seriously? This lady is way more manipulative.

-Her. -Elder Charles is the manipulative one.

Okay, guys. You know what's all over the Internet.

What? What? What is on the Internet?

Charles' agent. He sold his Gooch Baker audition to TMZ.

Everybody knows this is a cult.

All right? There's gonna be an investigation.

You need to come with us right now.

You don't know what these people are capable of.

You fucking idiot!

-Me? I'm an idiot? -Why did you bring these people

in and ruin everything that we were doing here?

-My water broke! I'm having a baby! -It's happening!

- Lay down. Lay down, lay down. - I'm having a baby!

She's having a baby!

Oh, my God.

-Is it supposed to hurt like that? -Have a sip.

Okay.

-Is she okay? It's okay. -That pregnant woman is drinking wine.

Contractions are starting!

You really thought you were paying for all of this?

-I thought I was paying for all of this! -You knew Tovah had money.

You had no idea that we were laundering her money through the Russians, did you?

- The Russians are here? - Oh, my God!

Let me guess. You also thought my real name was Kelly.

No. I thought your real name was Jill.

Tovah, look what's happening at this place.

-A woman is giving birth! -Wait a second. So did Dizzy also send

the tape to the producers?

No, man. He fucked us.

- Dude? - This a very extreme environment.

-I'm not gonna be Gooch Baker. -It's okay, Charlie. All right?

I was feeling the same way you are right now.

You're not defined by being Gooch Baker.

No, I'm Gooch Baker.

You're Charlie Marvin, all right?

You have your own hopes, your own dreams.

-You gotta say to yourself you're good enough. -This is Gooch Baker.

Push it out! Push it! That's not doing anything.

-Tovah, you need to come home. -Tovah, Tovah, just come with me, okay?

-We'll go to Hong Kong with my boyfriend Jerry. -It should be you, Tovah.

We can write a third testament of the Book of the Vine.

It should be my baby in your body...

-Fuck you! -...birthing my baby.

Not about the money, Tovah. It's about love!

Well, the money ain't bad.

Concorde inappropriate.

-Just come with me! -Go home.

- What? So heavy. - Go.

-Come with me. -No, no, no, no. I'm not going anywhere.

Fuck! God, fuck you.

-Fuck your stupid baby. -Fuck you!

-Oh! -Fuck all this!

- Where are you going? - This is not helpful.

No! Where are you going?

-You're such a fucking bitch! -Shh. It's okay.

- Oh, wait. - What?

Oh, I think someone just spilled white wine.

-I don't think my water actually broke. -Really?

-Are you fucking serious? Are you kidding me, bitch? -Are you serious right now?

-The body does crazy things. -Someone spilled wine.

I am Sergeant Gooch Baker

of the United States Marines,

formerly of Baker's Bakery. Ahh!

Charlie Marvin, let the hostages go.

Come out with your hands raised.

Oh, they're not hostages, officer.

-They're my fans! -We've got you surrounded.

-Come out with your hands raised. -Please stop yelling, Elder.

I am not Elder Charles.

I am Gooch Baker.

-Why are you saying these things? -Why aren't you getting this?

I made the whole thing up,

and you believed me.

You believed all my lies

-because you are weak and stupid. -You're an imperfect messenger.

I'm an actor. I lie for a living. See?

-This knife is not even real. -Charlie, just knock that off. Get down here.

Like, there's cops outside, Charlie.

- They're gonna shoot you. - Come on, Charlie.

- Wait, Charlie, stop it. Charlie! - False prophet!

-Oh, my God, guys, stop. -Okay, guys. Boys, boys.

Come home!

I don't know many other words except for "come home"...

-...and "I love you." -Get off him, he's weak.

-They're not working, though. -And anemic.

-Tovah, is this family? -No one beats him up but me...

-Is this family? -...'cause that's really on his birthday!

They're not gonna shoot me.

This is a classic mix-up, just like from A Baker's Dozen.

No, Charlie, it's not.

Do not go out here, Charlie!

It's me from Afghanistan!

Charlie!

Charlie!

I guess he's dead, huh?

Tovah? You wanna, you wanna go now?

No, no, no, no. You shot the Gooch.

- Charlie, Charlie! - -You shot the fucking Gooch!

Oh, my God, man. Hey!

Hey, man, hey, hey. Hey.

-Joshua? -Yeah, I'm here.

-I'm also here. -I'm here. Amanda, look.

-Amanda. -Yeah.

Oh, I want to--

I want to tell you something.

Okay, well, say it. Anything.

-You just take it easy. -Huh?

Just take it easy.

-Yeah. -I... I have a new idea

for an episode of Baker's Dozen.

-Okay, take it easy. -Should we, like, apply pressure to this mo--?

No pressure. No pressure.

-I cannot pitch under pressure. -Okay, alright, fine.

The A plot is Father Baker

-gets a fancy new gadget. -Okay, we're really doing this.

And then, he invents...

...the inside-out bagel.

-Wow! -Whoa! Alright, take it easy, buddy.

And he calls it Father Baker's

famous inside-out bagel.

-That makes a lot of sense. -Oh. It feels like you could maybe,

like, punch that up a little bit.

I don't know. I'm just, like, you know, like...

-...the innie-outie or something like that. -The innie-outie bagel.

- Okay. - I'll, I'll think about it in heaven.

Father Baker is so happy,

he takes everybody out for banana splits.

Because it's such a success.

- And he didn't eat banana splits. - -That's right.

Hey, the ambulance is on its way, Charlie.

Charlie! Charlie!

-Charlie! -Joshua.

-I just thought of a very special episode. -Okay.

- It's a flashback episode... - Right.

- ...where we flashback... - Yeah?

- ...we flashback... - Yeah.

- Mm-hmm. - ...to a previous

flashback episode.

- Oh, wow. It's so good. - Wow!

Double flashback...

- ...episooo... - Okay.

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, stay awake. Come on.

No, we have help coming, Charlie.

-Charlie. -I think it's okay, babe.

He's not breathing.

- Hey, Charlie. - Hey.

- Hey. - Charlie.

-What? -Look at us. Huh?

-Why? -Who'd have thought?

Not me. Huh?

It's a Paul Rudd meme.

You want to finish these glasses and, uh, go watch the documentary?

-Mm. Yeah, okay. -All right.

Of course. It's my favorite movie.

Yeah?

-Love you. -Love you, too. Duh!

I can't believe they actually called it American Canto.

You're, you're so, you are so good at titling things, babe.

I mean, I told them. Every title sounds better

with "American" in front of it.

Charlie passed out, what, six more times

before the ambulance was able to reach the vineyard, and then, every time he came to,

boop, you would have a new idea for an episode of Baker's Dozen.

It-- Not all of them were bad, either.

-I mean-- -No, some of them were pretty funny.

He worked out an entire season

of the show while bleeding out on the ground.

Yeah, I thought for sure I'd be on the reboot,

but that didn't happen. But I'm here now,

and, uh, I, I feel pretty good.

-Got a haircut. -This was not my first armed standoff.

Um, it was definitely the most confusing one.

The third cult I was in,

the leader threatened mass suicide.

Oh, yeah. I think I was just hangry.

- Charlie didn't want to come back to the vineyard. - -No.

-Very understandable. -Yeah, and so, we told him we would be ha--

more than happy to, uh, look after the place,

drop in from time to time, you know,

just check on it every, uh, now and then.

We didn't realize, though, that then he was

just gonna sign the vineyard over to us.

I just gave Josh and Amanda the vineyard.

Let them have it. Let them be liable

for all the crimes that happened there, not me.

What are you going to say if the government comes after you?

I'll just plead insanity.

We also didn't realize that, uh,

in the wording of the contract or whatever,

we can bottle and sell all of the wine with his likeness,

-and we don't even have to give him a penny. So... -Yeah.

And we were like, "Okay, guess we're winemakers now."

Oh, we are actually selling a red,

a red blend that we call Elder Charles Red.

Um, and then we also have a rosé as well.

Mm-hmm. Which we learned is not made by mixing

-red and white wine together. -Uh-uh.

Since leaving the cult, I've actually just been raising,

this little guy with my new partner.

And he has numerous health issues.

When we returned to the main world,

we assumed that it would be socially unacceptable

for us to have multiple sexual partners.

So we kind of, just drew names out of a hat.

I got Brian.

Didn't really matter who got who.

That place was a 24/6 fuck fest.

We did not fuck on Tuesdays.

I mean, I was so mad at myself for having fallen for the lies of another fraudster.

I told Tovah that if we get back together,

I'd respect her boundaries,

and I'd be a nine-to-five cult leader during the day.

And when I get home,

-no cult talk. -No cult talk.

And my cult-life balance has made me a better leader.

After my involuntary termination

as keeper of the Book of the Vine.

and subsequent dissolution of the Wine Club,

I took all the wisdom I learned as keeper

and decided to engage in commerce

with my new book.

Spoketh the Grape, 101 life lessons from the Book of the Vine.

Everything you need, to live a healthy and balanced life

and increase your Alvarado score from 0.0 to infinity is in this book.

The thing Tovah had to realize, coming out of the cult,

was that she's a full-blown alcoholic.

I realized that the 12 steps was not gonna be enough for Tovah,

so I developed my own program.

It has 47 steps,

the first 30 of which are completely free.

But then, when you hit step 31, the fees start kicking in,

which makes total sense because the more you pay, the more information you get.

-Yeah, but tell them, once you get to the higher levels... -Oh, okay,

so when you get to the highest levels, you learn really important things,

like how to stay healthy and how to not be in a cult.

I started a small production company.

Yeah, I've been getting out there and pitching.

I am working on a show

based on the shooting

that affected me by law enforcement.

It's about a cop who shoots parents

and adopts the kids of the parents that were shot.

Does that make sense?

There's 13 kids

and they live in a police station,

and the police station becomes a bakery.

I am aware that Elder Charles admitted he made everything up,

and yet, I still have not seen any hard evidence, any,

that disproves anything in the Book of the Vine.

We were just chasing our story and trying to have the best time we could.

I think it, it brought us together and I think there were maybe times where we weren't

-listening to one another, but eventually we did. -Sure.

I think we prioritized each other.

I think everyone there just wanted to be part of something.

I think when you go through life alone and then, suddenly you're told

everything you ever wanted to hear by someone

that you believe is a God, you'll do some crazy shit.

It's tough running a production company,

coming up with ideas, putting myself on tape,

but, uh, you know,

there's 24 hours in a day,

and I don't like to sleep, because I don't like to dream.

I like reality.

These days, I like reality,

so that's what I'm doing.

Tovah kept saying we're a family, but the families don't love tangle, right?

We're a family. This is a family, right?

-Me and her and our family. -Stop. I'm pregnant, okay?

Whatever! I'm having a little child of the Vine.

-Don't put it that way. I'm being supportive. -Yes.

-Just like she's been for me for all times. -But I'll tell you one thing.

Our family's better not try to, like, punish us

for not having a wedding and not give us baby stuff.

Is there a, like, eloping equivalent to having a baby?

The deal with Concorde, what he said about my bride, Tovah,

I found deeply hurtful and offensive,

as I'm sure Tovah did as well.

Concorde's, um, initial and primary punishment

was, uh, solitary yoga, I call it.

ST.

He spent 24 hours a day,

for 24 days,

doing yoga.

-He lost about 160 pounds? -165.

-165 pounds, thank you. -I did the weighing.

He came out of it looking great,

seemed to be in great spirits,

um, but then, he fucking died, so...

They're inquiring about that.

Um, his family wants to know where he is,

and, uh, law enforcement has been in touch.

Um, I don't know why you're interviewing me.

Why am I here?

Josh and Amanda?

Um, I think they were at the courthouse one day

and they got married,

and I went there because

they, they put a lead against my house. So...

How did you guys find me?

Breathing the love that surrounds you,

expanding and contracting,

in a cosmic dance that imbues all of this,

all of it, with meaning.

An experience we don't get to often have in our daily lives,

and just appreciate,

appreciate the other people around you.

This life, what you were put on this Earth to do,

it's all here for a reason.

It's all here for a reason, folks,

and I'm here to tell you

that that is all on offer for you,

for the low price of $59.99 after the seminar.

Thank you for being here today.

And we'll, uh, we'll resume in about ten minutes.

Uh, after I take a quick bathroom break.