Original subtitles

Thank you.

Okay, is that on? Yeah.

Good evening. I am Colonel Kahn, formerly Dr. Kahn of the A.J. Kahn

Mental Institute.

Now, some time ago in 1999, we had a very serious epidemic. What we thought

to be the erotic witch possession actually turned out to be a sexual

virus.

This is Dr. Davis.

She will be joining us on this journey.

Are you feeling okay?

And here, of course, is Darian Cain.

She was one of the first victims to have this virus, but she's also one of the

first patients to be cured of it. And that's thanks to the potion that I've

created, which is actually an amalgamation of various DNA strands from

impotent, very religious people, very conservative people.

Primarily, however, it's from the DNA of Trekkies.

This virus has not only caused massive chaos in the nation, but all across the

world. Quite possibly, this is one of the serious things that we've had to

deal with as humans.

But now my goal is to go into the past with my fellow comrades and find the

origins of this epidemic.

If we're going to find the people that it started from.

And we're going to give them the cure and everything will be okay. But we have

to go to 1999, Bocketsville. And that's where you can see we're headed to.

It's so hot in here.

You know,

I really don't think I need a massage.

Then again...

Being on this five-year mission, and after that seven-year mission to Ride

Hill 7, sure can weigh you down.

Dr. Davis, that's not my back.

I think you're having a problem with direction, honey.

If you need a map, you can check the glove compartment.

Um, that's not the glove compartment.

Can I jump in the cockpit with you?

I think you already are.

Please, Mr. Spock, please take me with you to warp two. Please.

Now you're talking my language, sister.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It'll come.

It'll come.

It'll come.

It'll fly.

Oh,

did we land?

Yeah, we're there.

Oh, that was a long ride.

All right. What happened?

What, did we crash?

You know I always have problems with that parallel parking thing. That is

true, you do.

Why are you naked, though?

Oh, the damn air conditioner broke again.

You believe that?

Yeah, it is a little humid.

Well, now that we're here in Bacchusville, let's check it out.

Now, are you sure that this is Bacchusville 1999?

I don't know. Davis had the map. I just followed.

Well, let's see.

Oh, goodness. This is not Bacchusville. This is Hicksville.

Bacchusville is five miles north, and Jerkitsville is two miles south.

But we're actually close to Beaver Dam.

Davis. Gosh darn it.

She totally messed up.

Yeah, Davis, you screw up.

Wait a minute, where is she?

I don't know. I don't know.

Tornation of aliens again.

That's the second time this week.

Hold it right there, Dusty. I always knew you were a space alien.

Oh, applesauce famous. I ain't no darn alien.

You don't take one step closer, I'll show you Blondie Stone.

Oh, this hit crash half an hour ago, and those aliens are already long gone.

Well, Dusty, I heard it on the radio.

Yeah, they're just visiting, checking out the neighborhood.

Oh, just visiting.

Good. I thought it wasn't invading there for a moment.

I think I'm feeling faint.

Dusty, what's wrong?

I don't know.

James, I have to ask you something.

Yeah. Is it true what they say about the Irish curse?

What curse?

Well, you know, the Irish are hung like mosquitoes.

Well, um, yeah, I mean no, I mean, how would I know that?

Okay,

I think I want to lick your leprechaun.

Oh yeah?

Dusty, as long as you don't use the alien anal probe on me.

Don't worry Shane, it won't hurt a bit.

So what do you boys want to do tonight besides tipping cows?

Well, I know that there's this hot bitch that just moved in that other trailer

down the street.

She's real ripe and ready. I think she's about like 42.

She's been waiting for someone hot.

Oh, for a second, boys.

Oh, shit.

Look what we got here.

Roof, roof, roof.

Hey, uh, fella, uh, we're looking for our friend. She's, uh, kind of dressed

like this. You seen her?

No, we ain't seen anybody look like you.

We remember that.

Somebody look like Tim, man, we remember that.

Yeah.

So, uh, what are you guys, space aliens?

Yeah, they're just space aliens. I know what they look like. I saw Independence

Day. I saw that shit. That's a space alien. That's a good one.

Well, no.

Actually, I'm a doctor, and she used to be my patient.

And you see, there's a very widespread epidemic in the future, and we've gotten

a spaceship and a time machine to come into the past to find the origins of

that.

So, uh, what are you? Space aliens?

You said it. Space aliens.

Watch out. They might, like, beam you into space or something. Hold on to

this, Hector. Yeah.

Go get you some, brother. Oh, come on, little lady. How about you and I cutting

the rug? What do you say?

Oh, thank you. Come on, let me get some of that dancing.

Come on. There's no rug to be cut here.

No rug cutting, huh?

What are you going to do about it?

Listen, skinny.

You look like you're real hungry, and I have a fat knuckle sandwich here with

extra cheese.

Oh, you're getting it now. You've done it now.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, you've done it now, bitch. You just made our brother

Cletus run away. Me and Cletus, we're going to get you now, bitch. Oh, yeah.

Come on, you alien.

Hold on. Kick your ass. No, enough of that. We're kicking the alien ass. I'm

going to get this alien bitch. Come on.

Independence Day, my ass.

Come on. We're going to bring you to it.

for Dr.

Davis. She's a blonde with skimpy silver apparel.

Hello?

Hello?

Where could she have gone?

Hello?

You know, oddly enough, it seems like I'm wearing a second bra.

Oh, don't tell me you're infected with the virus.

Oh gosh, uh, yeah.

Oh. And, um, that's not all.

What? Dr. Davis has been infected as well, and by now she's probably spread

it all away from Hicksville to Bacchusville. What? And you didn't tell

me? I didn't want to make you mad. You made the last guy cry.

You know, if I wasn't so mad right now, I could just... You know what? I'm so

pissed off that I just want to squeeze your cute little cheeks.

Oh, you love me, baby.

Oh,

you love me, baby.

Thank you.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, yeah, I feel it.

Oh, yeah, I feel it.

I feel it.

Huh.

Cool. What's this thing?

This, dear Darian, is the Bonometer 3000.

It measures any level of sexual activity or attraction.

And I figure we'll be able to get David because she's at a 10 right now.

When you do find her, it'll start buzzing.

Buzzing? Like... Or beeping, beeping, buzzing.

Something happens.

Good. Okay.

Oh, yeah, Captain. This is going to be good. You see how it's buzzing? I told

you it's going off.

There they go.

Mm-hmm.

Look at those girls. Do you recognize any of them?

No. Maybe they're gone.

It's hot.

It is.

This is good stuff, but it's no use to us. Let's go this way.

There you go, my friend. You're going to love this. Oh, Chardonnay.

Beautiful. Yeah, great year, too. Good vintage. Thank you so much. Wonderful.

You're a smear. I'd say Chardonnay all the way. What'd I miss? What's going on?

Well, I'm watching these new uniforms that San Diego has, you know? And the

leggings are so...

You know, it shows you, like, every nuance of the Kite Buttocks, you know?

It's crazy. You can almost see what religion they are, right? I know. It's

insane. It's insane.

Hey, can I grab a Coke? Oh, sure. Help yourself.

Help yourself.

Hey, you know, there's more, like, these night games. I mean, they're not

playing. I mean, they're not playing. You know, it makes you, like, the abs

gleam. Like, you've got all this sweat on the six-packs. Oh, my God. It's,

like, sitting abs everywhere.

It's a tough look, man. I'm going to do that. I'm going to get a six-pack, man.

You're doing that?

Check out those guns, man. You got like a five-pack already.

You want the one up, you get the six-pack.

What do you got going on? I got a four-pack.

Come on, a two-pack.

I'll go with you on that one later, man.

You know, the thing about football season I love? What's that? It's in the

fall. It's a colorful season. You've got a beautiful yard.

I'm noticing that maple tree outside when I pulled up.

It's sort of like crimson or ochre. What is that?

It's like a tree. It's beautiful.

It's a beautiful thing. I admire your landscaping. It's wonderful.

Hey, thanks. You've got nice landscaping, too.

Wait a minute.

It's broken. What is this?

It's not working.

Their space aliens are so mean.

Oh, Cletus, honey, it's all right. If you want me to, honey, I'll read you a

story later.

I know you can read, kid. Uh-huh.

Hi, Deputy.

I'm here to investigate the fight.

Oh, there was a fire rocker. But I'm talking to the lady.

I wasn't really here for the whole thing. I didn't see it all. He was. I

sure as hell. He was proud of it. But it came down to it.

I told you I was talking to the lady.

Now why don't you shut your pie hole and go fetch me a shamrock.

Okay.

Now ma'am, I need to know all the facts about the fight.

I don't have them all. I don't know exactly what went on. I wasn't here for

the whole thing I said.

Now ma'am, I'm here to investigate the bar fight. I need to know all the facts.

I need to know what you're wearing underneath that bag.

Nothing.

Well, let me further my investigation and take it off.

See, I told you.

That's much better.

Now I can concentrate.

here you go

here

you

here you go

Me. Me. Me.

Me.

Thank you.

I've got a

Thank you.

I don't want to miss that.

No.

That's my sister!

Can I walk?

Oh, goodness!

Why do you keep bumping into me?

I can't help it. I was born with two left feet.

You know, that is the most played-out expression ever, and I hate it. Yeah,

but I really was born with two left feet. Look, I'll show you.

See?

Oh, my God, that is disgusting, Darian.

Why did I never notice that you have two left feet when we were getting it on? I

don't know, maybe because you were caught up in the moment.

And just in my arms, it's so messy.

Okay, this is getting stupid.

Why don't you and your two left feet go that way, I'm heading this way. We'll

cover more ground if we're split up.

Okay. Can I borrow the bonometer?

Darian, you don't know how to use the bonometer. This is not a joke instrument

here. Please, can I borrow the bonometer?

No!

But, but, but, it's my turn! No, you're not even going to use it! It's my turn!

You're not even going to find it that way! It's my turn! It's my turn! Okay! I

hate it!

Well, whatever. Keep it. I don't need it anyway.

My nose will do all the work for me. I'll be able to sniff out that sex

anywhere.

This way.

It's getting stronger.

I smell something really sexy.

Hi. Are you Jamaican?

No. Why do you ask?

Because you're making me crazy.

Well, well, well.

Then what happened?

Sweet. She got up. She took the bag off.

She was naked.

Is it true?

Girls got eight nipples like a dog?

Yeah, it's true.

Is it true?

No, boys. It's true. Just like us.

I know that. I know that.

Okay, then what happened? Then what happened? He got naked, too. And by the

way, it's true what they say about the others.

And he's so...

Forgot to tell you. I looked on down at that middle region.

It's like a worm coming out of a blanket. A worm coming out of a blanket?

So he just stuck it in there and it was going on up and down. It was like turkey

basting at Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving?

Master Tires, Cream Vase, and Dog Food Jella.

You know, all this talk of pussy is making me hungry.

Wait, Jake. You get your butt over here, Jake.

Damn,

I only got a C-plus in dirt bike class.

I know I could have been doing better donuts.

Oh, Kitty, those donuts look great to me.

You think?

Yeah, and that bag's awesome. Is that new?

I like it. Cletus got it for me last week. He looks like a real hefty, if you

ask me.

So how you been, darling?

Well, I'm feeling a bit down. This mailbox baseball's all filled up, and

I'm going to take another semester just to graduate.

I don't know what my inbred pap is going to think of me taking eight years to get

my degree.

Oh, heck, Dusty, you're still going to graduate coming all day.

Thank you, Kitty.

You know, after I got rid of the basic fundamental health institute, I thought

it was better to get a spaceship.

You know, that's the move.

I put all this stuff into my cell bag, you know, pretty handy.

Oh, my God.

Where have you guys been? I've been searching for you for hours.

Well, actually, we went strawberry picking.

Yeah. In the middle of winter?

You know, that's probably why we didn't find anything.

Well,

where have you been?

Oh, my God, it was horrible.

Four hillbillies tossed me in a sack, threw me down a hill. Next thing I knew,

I woke up reciting the Sigma Sigma Thigh Frat Pledge. It was awful.

Yeah, but Darian thinks could be worse.

Worse than this?

Jeez!

Wow!

Look what they did. That's a nice little design.

Very cool.

Well, I suppose we're going to have to do a little hazing of our own.

Dude, I can't find the ball anywhere.

You can't find the ball? I'm sorry.

We don't have a football?

I don't know. What do you want to do? Maybe we don't need a ball.

How's that? You never watch football. Sometimes it's just about motion, you

know? It's about movement. Maybe we don't need a ball to play football. What

do you think? I think you're right. Let's try it. Let's try it. Yeah. All

right. Okay. Ready? All right. Good. You good? I'm good. You in? I'm in. I'm in.

Good. All right. Here we go.

15, 21.

15, 21.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

It looks like a bunch of girls making out.

Give me that ball, you!

Oh, dang!

Bang!

DANG! DANG!

DANG! DANG!

DANG! DANG!

DANG! DANG! DANG!

DANG! DANG!

DANG! DANG!

DANG!

One class free.

Shoot. Come on. Come on.

What? What?

There's like lesbian sex going on everywhere in our town. Oh, my God. What

are we going to do? We got to call the FBI. We got to call the CIA.

We got to call the BBC.

We got to call the Secret Service.

We got to call the FDA.

What? FDA?

What are we going to call them for? Because them lepers is off the ranch.

Well, we got to give them. Wait a minute.

The tractor pull starts in five minutes, man. We got to go.

Tractor pull.

Tractor pull.

Tractor pull.

Tractor pull.

Tractor pull.

Tractor pull.

Tractor pull.

Tractor pull.

Wait a second.

Deputy, I was supposed to tell you something important.

What was I supposed to tell you again?

That you're a moron.

No, that wasn't it.

Tractor!

What are you ladies up to?

We're here to see the Donovan's tractor pull.

We hear he's got a new John Deere.

Tractor pull.

Makes you want to pull something else now, huh?

Ah, yes, it's definitely good to be back on Earth.

Mm, that was great.

Mm-hmm. It's amazing.

Hey, look, another bonometer.

We can use it later to hunt squirrels.

And that's all you're going to do, Darian, because that's not the

bonometer. This is the bonometer. I should know. I'm the one who made it.

Yeah, but...

It says Bono Mina right on it.

And it even has a warranty with it.

It's still good, by the way.

Do you know what that means, then?

No. That means that we were here before.

Quick, Dr. Davis.

How many people did you have sex with when we couldn't find you?

Um... I think about half the town.

Oh, goodness.

Then this means we are the cause of the erotic witch virus, ladies.

We were here before.

We were here in the past, from the future, and we're the cause of the

erotic witch virus.

Huh. Well, that sucks.

That's really bad.