Original subtitles

YOUNG CLARA: Wait! Sing Happy Birthday first.

WOMAN 1: Wait, wait for Nana. Wait for Nana.

YOUNG CLARA: Wait!

(BLOWS CANDLE)

-Yay! -Yay!

♪ I am the funniest person on earth ♪

♪ So I've been told a 100 times ♪

♪ And I'm the preetiest

(LAUGHS)

Good morning, universe.

This is Sydney reporting in from your mom's house.

This is my best friend, Clara.

CLARA: Sydney broke up with Liam!

I broke up with Liam this morning.

Fuck relationships, you only need your best friend.

How does--

-Oh, sweet, you're... -Oh, sweet, you're...

♪ I am the wittiest human today ♪

♪ I've heard it all a million times ♪

SYDNEY: Aw, look at buddy Charles.

Yay!

Yes!

♪ Or so they say

#SYDNEY: Oh wait, that's cute, that's cute, that's cute.

#Literally killing it.

CLARA: You look great.

SYDNEY: Yay!

(CLARA SCREAMS)

Senior year is done, bitches!

♪ Car crash on the pass

Sam, let's go. We're running late.

(COUGHS)

Ew, are you sick?

(COUGHS) No.

I'm just trying to catch my breath.

-Okay, well... -Can you get the fuck off me?

I'm trying to open-- I'm just trying

to open the window, so you don't get germs everywhere.

Sam, let's go.

Why do we have zero sense of urgency?

(WHEELS WHIRRING)

(TRUNK SHUTS)

-Holy shit! -Holy shit!

(LAUGH)

That scared the shit out of me.

♪ I want you to fight back

♪ I'll play along

(CLARA CHUCKLING)

-Okay, okay, I got another one. -Okay.

Would you rather live inside someone's stomach

for the rest of your life or inside someone's liver?

-Stomach. -Liver.

(TOGETHER) What?

No, no, no, no, no.

I feel like a stomach would be disgusting.

Okay, what would you do?

Like sit on a chunk of food all day?

It would be like a fucking wave pool in there.

(CHUCKLES) I love wave pools.

Wave pools are lit.

Are you having fun?

I'm having the best time, are you?

(YAWNS)

Uh, yeah, no, I mean, I'm having a really good time

personally, but like,

I didn't wanna have a really good time and like,

shove it down your throat

if you weren't having a really good time.

That feels kinda rude, so...

I'm having a fun time, I promise.

SYDNEY: Okay, good.

(CHUCKLES)

SAM: Would you rather live in Antarctica

or the depths of hell?

Antarctica!

No, I was gonna say the depths of hell.

I literally don't wanna hear it from you.

I love Antarctica.

I wanna go so bad.

Have a great time with that.

CLARA: You seriously wouldn't go with me

even if I really wanted you to?

Yeah, no, probably not.

You're such a dick.

(LAUGHS)

It's your turn, go.

Um, okay.

Would you rather...

...have toe-length fingers--

(LAUGHS)

Or finger-length toes?

(LAUGHS)

Why are you laughing?

I don't know, that's such a weird thing to--

Your bladder is winning zero awards today.

Like absolutely none.

-Shut up. -(CLARA LAUGHING)

-Oh, you like us. -Kinda.

Oh please, you're gonna miss us when we're gone.

SAM: When do you go to college?

In like a month, I think.

How do you not know the date?

Like, I feel like my moving countdown is like,

ingrained in my brain at this point.

And I still don't have a roommate.

(CHUCKLES) Dude, just pick someone and go random.

It doesn't matter.

I mean, I had a call with a girl last week

and she seemed like fine, I guess.

But then like, after we got on, she just started sneezing.

What's the problem with that?

The problem with that is that she didn't stop sneezing.

Okay.

What if she had a disease

or like a chronic illness, Sydney?

Oh my God, Clara, you are so dramatic.

She didn't have a disease,

she didn't have a chronic illness.

You really don't know that.

She was just-- just sneezing. She didn't even vampire.

And it was gross.

She's not gonna be the only one

who hasn't found someone else. Just keep looking.

Everyone seems weird.

I hate to break it to you, but we're really weird.

No, we aren't.

SAM: Yes, you are.

She knows what's up.

♪ Someday, Alice

♪ You'll come around and realize ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Thinking about you every night ♪

-(THUD) -(GASPS, SCREAMS)

I'm so sorry, but I didn't see you.

MASCOT: Hey!

Drive carefully unless you want a furry foot up your ass!

(BACKGROUND CHATTER)

(♪♪♪)

Hey, I'm sorry I hit the dude.

It's fine. Everyone hates him.

A few years back, he got in trouble

for rubbing his tail a little too much.

CLARA: Oh.

What?

(♪♪♪)

Anyway, thank you for driving me.

Of course. All right, I'm-- I'm gonna miss you, bestie.

Boo, I thought I was bestie.

Are you still gonna be home when I come back?

Yeah. No, I'm s-- I'm still gonna be home.

I'm not leaving yet.

SAM: Okay.

SYDNEY: All righty. I'll see you soon.

You're gonna have so much fun, okay?

Thanks.

-CLARA: Love you, Sam! -Bye.

Bye, Syd.

CLARA: I am starving.

SYDNEY: Yeah, I know.

Oh my God.

I would give my left nut for some chips right now.

You don't have a left nut.

You don't know that.

Uh, why didn't you pack more snacks?

I did. I think Sam ate them all.

Sam!

(PHONE RINGING)

CALLER: (ON PHONE) Hi. I'm calling from camp.

Yes?

CALLER: (ON PHONE) We still haven't received a final payment of $200

for Sam, which covers her food cost, you know.

We're gonna have to send her home if no one's--

-SYDNEY: Fuck. -Sorry.

We're coming back now. Sorry.

My mom gave me that money.

I was supposed to give it to her when she got out of the car.

And where is it now, Sydney?

I don't know.

I think it's probably at home if it's not like,

in here or something.

Oh my God. You're such a dumbass.

I hate when she puts this shit on me, okay?

Like, I love Sam but this is not my problem.

(CAR WHOOSHES)

Oh. This is not enough money.

I realize that. Um, I just...

-Funny story is I-- -Will this work for the rest?

Oh. Yes. Okay.

I'll run this, and I'll be right back with you.

Clara, you can't do that. You can't do that.

I already did.

Do you have enough money on that thing?

-I can pay you back. -Yeah. It's cool, dude.

It's just a--

It's a very good teachable moment

that you need to get yourself a credit card.

I don't need a credit card.

Sydney, you need a credit card

if you ever want to buy a house.

You have to build a credit score.

I know. I know.

I know. But why?

Do I look like I'm trying to buy a house right now?

Is that what I look like to you?

WOMAN 2: Okay.

Oh. Thank you so much.

-Thank you. -WOMAN 2: Drive safe now.

Bye!

CLARA: Hey. Can I drive?

No.

Why don't I ever get to drive?

I didn't say you couldn't drive. When did I say that?

Can I drive then?

No.

Then I'm not getting in this car.

You think I'm a bad driver.

That's why you don't want me to drive.

No, I just think that you'll stop the car

every time you see a sign for something stupid.

Did you ever think that the reason I'm stopping

the car every time I see something stupid

is so we can have a more fun road trip?

No. I actually haven't thought about that,

and I'm gonna like, continue not thinking about that.

Great. Cool.

I guess we'll have a boring road trip

and we won't do anything fun ever again!

(♪♪♪)

How are you so chill about college?

Like, have you thought about what you wanna major in?

It's like the rest of our lives.

No, I guess I'm not that stressed out about it.

How are you not stressed about it?

You seem stressed about it.

No. I just--

I don't know. I don't think about it really.

How do your parents feel about you leaving?

Could we talk about literally anything else

other than this?

Could we just ignore college while we're on this trip,

please?

I'm sorry. I didn't wanna like, stress you out.

It's not a big deal.

Like you're gonna be home in a couple of months.

-It's easy. It's fun. -Yeah, dude, I know. I'm just--

I'm fucking overstimulated. Okay?

Can we just talk about literally anything else?

Okay. Noted.

(♪♪♪)

CLARA: I feel like I should probably unfollow Liam.

SYDNEY: Why do you still follow him?

CLARA: I like keeping my tabs on people.

SYDNEY: Ugh. Just the worst.

Oh, I'm fucking starving! I can't do this anymore.

I'm going back here. I'm looking for chips.

Ah! I got it.

Really?

Sam left half a bag.

Oh. Hell yeah.

Oh, one for you...

and a crumb for me.

Mm.

Okay. I have a question for you.

Do you think he still thinks about you?

No. It was a year ago.

Like he has to be over it, right?

CLARA: I don't know, dude.

That's pretty hard for a guy like Liam to get over

something like that.

What?

He is the one who made you realize you were gay.

Oh, he wasn't the only reason.

My bad.

I forgot that I was the other one.

SYDNEY: Okay. You know what?

Can you stop? I don't have a crush on you.

Why not?

Because I know way too much about you.

CLARA: Whatever.

I'm offended. (CHUCKLES)

(MUNCHES)

God. What if he didn't move?

Can you imagine what it would have been like if he stayed

in school?

CLARA: Well, you'll be happy to know

that he's about to be much farther away from you.

He posted that him and his family

are moving to Japan on Wednesday.

What? Did his dad get transferred or something?

I don't know. It doesn't say.

Oh, you know what?

I bet he's taking my fucking lizard with him.

Oh my God.

Why do you think that Buddy is more your lizard

even though you shared him equally?

SYDNEY: Because my debit card purchased him.

This is why you should be using a credit card.

I'm not trying to buy a house right now, Clara.

This isn't about trying to buy a house right now.

This is about trying to buy a house in the future.

Why do I keep needing to explain credit scores to you?

What do you want me to do?

You want me to buy a lizard rights attorney for you?

Would that make you happy?

It'll be expensive, and it will ruin me financially,

-but I will do that for you. -(CHUCKLES)

SYDNEY: Yeah, I mean, can you imagine if I had to like,

call up Liam and be like, "All right.

So the courts have decided you may only have him

every third weekend."

(CHUCKLES)

And you have to fly, fly him back and forth

-with a little travel companion. -Oh my God.

And I get him on holidays like Christmas morning,

he is mine.

And I'm gonna buy him way more presents

than Liam buys him, and-- and-- and--

and Buddy Charles is gonna feel so neglected from his father,

and I'm gonna be the favorite parent.

And it's gonna piss the fuck out of Liam.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

(♪♪♪)

Let's go save that lizard.

No.

I'm being serious, dude. Let's go get him.

(SYDNEY SNORTS)

Wait, like go to Idaho to get the lizard?

CLARA: This is not just any lizard!

This is Buddy fucking Charles, okay?

He is iconic.

Bro, my mom would kill us.

Okay, there's no way that she would even notice

and you know it.

Come on, Syd, please. Let's do it for Buddy Charles.

I mean, it's tempting but like, it's 3:00

and we don't have gas.

We don't have money.

Don't you worry about that, because I have a plan.

(♪♪♪)

Are you sure you got this?

Oh, absolutely. She's gonna be into me.

She doesn't look gay.

She's working on a car, dude. She's absolutely gay.

She has straight hair.

You know the rule: straight hair, straight girl.

That is not how that works.

Nah, I'm pretty sure that's how that works.

-Is it? -CLARA: Yeah.

Are you sure we can't just use your credit card?

CLARA: No, it has a limit.

A what?

A limit that you set each month, you can't go over.

I thought it was unlimited.

No, my mom set a limit and then I spent it all

on your sister.

SYDNEY: Wait, your mom set the limit?

CLARA: Yeah.

Oh, so have her change the limit.

That's not how that works.

You have to build more credit to be able to use more.

Give me your hoops. They look straight as fuck.

What?

Come on. No one wears hoops anymore.

Okay, you didn't have to dig in further.

You already said it the first time.

CLARA: Ready?

But the credit card.

Think about all the points and prizes

like you were just explaining.

You could buy a house.

CLARA: Okay, we'll go over all of that later.

-CLARA: Go and get-- -You could get so many...

Okay.

Hi.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah, actually you can.

Um, my friend and I seem to have like really

underestimated how much gas we thought we would need.

We need gas.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you have money?

SYDNEY: Money.

Yeah, that's-- that's what's really funny

is we actually don't have enough money.

Then you can't get gas.

I mean, are you sure about that?

Is there something wrong with your eye?

CLARA: So did it work?

Obviously not, Clara, unless the gas magically pumped itself.

-Oh my God, you got rejected. -I did not.

Yeah, you literally did.

That's so fucking funny.

(LAUGHS)

Shut up, okay. What are we even doing?

We don't know where Liam lives.

Oh, please. I found his address.

How did you do that?

Well, while you were in there, I went on his Instagram,

went to his tagged photos which is how I found out

all of his new friends.

One of them tagged his new high school,

so I called them, pretended to be his mom,

requested his transcript and the address was at the top.

How the fuck did you do all of that?

Do you know that his house sold on Zillow for $1.3 million?

It's fucking wild.

Why do you need to know that?

To see if he can afford a better lizard rights attorney

than you.

Okay. What are we even doing?

Oh, we're going to Liam.

Yeah, but like I'm tired. Like it's getting late-ish.

I wanna go to bed.

Okay. Where do you wanna sleep?

Home. Like what is the point of this?

What? This is fucking hanging out, Sydney.

Okay.

Plus, like Sam's gonna want Buddy Charles, you know?

She's gonna be lonely when you're gone.

Okay, fine. You know what?

I will humor this.

Lets-- Shut up.

Let's just sleep in the car and we'll just figure out

the money problem in the morning.

See, that seems like a bad idea because people tend

to get kidnapped when they sleep in parking lots,

especially small girls, so we shouldn't do that.

Well, what other options do we have?

Okay, wait. I think I know someone who lives in Henderson

and I think that we have enough gas to get there.

Who is it?

You're gonna laugh at me.

I'm not gonna laugh at you. Why would I laugh at you?

Yes, you are.

SYDNEY: Oh, no.

Okay.

Um, what if I like, promise not to laugh at you?

Yeah.

Okay. I promise I won't laugh at you.

CLARA: Do you remember that show when we were little

about the um, the man and the dog

that switched bodies?

Kinda.

You never watched Fido Says Hello?

Remind me what it is.

Okay. It's like-- (CHUCKLES)

It's really cute.

It's like, it's about this dog and this human

-and they're both named Fido. -SYDNEY: Okay.

And it's like they somehow switch bodies,

so the dog ends up in the body of his owner.

And I don't know, it was marketed

as like Freaky Friday,

with a little bit of butt sniffing.

-Oh! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. -Yes. Yes.

I know the one. My mom didn't let me watch it.

She thought it was creepy.

-What? -Yeah.

-No, it's sweet. -No, no, no, no, no.

It's like weirdly, oddly sexual when you start thinking about it

-a little harder. -Okay. Please stop.

Can you get to the point of this?

I know Fido!

You know the dog?

No. I know the man that played Fido.

His name is Phil. He lives in Henderson.

That is where they shot the show.

And you know him because...

Do you remember um, when I was 7

and I got my heart surgery, and I told you

that I was going away for a doctor's visit?

That was actually in my Make-A-Wish.

-Oh, no. -CLARA: No, I know.

I don't know, okay?

It's just like, recovery was really, really hard

and I would watch these episodes over and over again

in the hospital and there was just something

like really vulnerable about this dog seeing the world

for the first time through a human's eyes.

Don't you fucking laugh at me, you bitch!

You're such a fucking bitch!

(LAUGHS)

I just-- I thought you would have had better taste than that,

-you know? -I was seven!

Yeah, but still, like that shit's really creepy.

CLARA: Okay.

Do you want me to see if we can crash at Phil's or not?

Uh, I mean, like yeah, sure, why not?

Sounds fun.

Okay.

(SYDNEY CHUCKLES)

He's like really sweet, okay? So be nice.

Okay.

And like, I remember him being a little attractive,

in a weird way.

Okay.

What the fuck?

No, no.

It's gonna be fine.

SYDNEY: I thought you said he was on TV.

CLARA: Yeah, back then.

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

SYDNEY: Be streaming, you know.

Oh, you showed up to set that day

and I just knew you were special, Clara.

Oh, Phil.

PHIL: You were so tiny.

Like, so just tiny.

For you, that's probably so long ago,

but for me it's just recent.

You know? It's...

Say, how's your mom?

Oh, Molly's doing really good.

I remember her. She was a beautiful woman.

You know, I don't know if this is weird to tell you,

but I think we flirted a little bit and I think--

But I was going through my hoe era,

'cause I was on TV, so I didn't--

And she was so nice, but the apple does not fall far

from the tree.

(LAUGHS)

So tell her I say, "What up?"

Hey, what are you up to?

I wanna know what you're up to. Like, are you going to college?

Like what's--

CLARA: Oh, uh, yeah.

I'm-- I'm going to UNC in the fall.

That-- that's awesome.

Um, what are you gonna major in there?

I don't know.

Uh, I'm going in undeclared, so...

That's fine. You're gonna-- you're gonna be successful

'cause you're so smart, just beautiful,

and your-- your vibes.

Yep, she sure will.

Like you've got the good vibes that just make people feel good

-and you smell nice. -She will.

Wow. I love that.

Clara, I'm happy that you found Sydney.

Like, you guys are a nice-looking couple,

-a beautiful couple. -Oh, no. We're not.

-SYDNEY: Yes, we are. -And I support that.

Um, I'm an ally, by the way, just so you know.

Um, LGBTQIA.

I thought, always thought A stood for ally,

but maybe it's asexual, which I'm not.

Um, but I march in the Pride parade.

Um, I do it as Fido. I would do it on all fours.

Very modern. I-- I like it.

I love it.

But my best memories is just meeting you.

Like, that was--

'Cause the best thing was making the kids happy

and I could tell you were happy that day.

And your wish came true.

That was your wish and it was also my wish.

(STOMACH GROWLING)

Wait, sorry. Did you hear that?

That was my tummy. Did you hear?

My tummy was like, "I'm hungry.

It's time to eat."

That-- that's my tummy's sound and I am gonna get us

some pizzas.

You like that?

There's a place, they know who I am,

so I gotta just make a little phone call,

-so just stay comfortable. -Okay.

Thanks, Phil!

(CHUCKLES)

Look, he is so fucking weird.

Sydney, don't be mean.

Are you not hearing this man?

He was being weird as shit until he thought

you were playing for my team.

You're welcome, by the way.

He is literally buying us pizza.

-This place is-- -Okay, he's nice, he's nice.

This place is fucking disgusting.

At least he's letting us sleep in his bed.

Yeah, that he probably came all over.

-Sydney! -What?

He looks like a perv and he talks like a pervert.

Can you not for just like once judge a book by its cover

the second that you meet it?

I'm sorry, but when the cover of the book looks like this,

I have absolutely no interest in reading the fucking book.

(SHUSHES)

Pizza pie's ordered.

My ex hated it when I did my Italian voice

cultural appropriation or some shit, but...

I should get some nappies to keep our lippies clean.

Yeah, I'm working on my rizz, short for charisma.

Yeah, I'm up with it. I know it's cool.

Rizz.

I love having company.

Whoo!

You're so cute. You're-- oh my...

Is that weird, 'cause I knew you when you were little?

Like-- like if we ever got married,

people would say I was grooming.

I'm like, "No, I haven't seen her in 10 years."

If you want anything to drink, I mean--

SYDNEY: Uh-uh.

I-- I know you're not 21, but I don't-- I won't tell.

Well, actually you're driving. Nevermind.

Shh. Don't tell.

(SHUSHES)

-Okay, I get it now. -Uh-huh.

22 more minutes.

SYDNEY: Perfect.

CLARA: Okay.

(INSECTS CHIRPING IN DISTANCE)

♪ Oh my God, my dog is gone

Hello? Oh, hi, guys.

I'm Fido and this is my best friend Fido.

We're both named Fido.

The pizza pie has arrived.

(ON TV) Today, we're talking about my favorite word,

loyalty.

I wish my dad knew that word.

That's just a joke for your parents.

So do you just like watch yourself on TV for fun?

Yeah, it's a good show.

I mean, we lasted five seasons for a reason.

Being loyal is a great trait for your best friend.

Isn't that right, Fido?

Like, these lessons are good, like even for adults.

Yeah, for sure.

You know, like a lot of adults actually,

they get high and they watch this and it's--

-Oh. -Oh no, it's happening again.

(MIMICS BARKING)

PHIL: Yeah.

Sometimes I actually dream from the perspective of Fido.

It's like he's a part of me still.

Wow.

(MIMICS BARKING, SNIFFING)

Wow, okay, Phil. That's okay, you can stop.

(MIMICS BARKING)

Okay, that's-- You can stop now, Phil.

That was really good.

That was pre-- really good, right?

Yeah.

And you were looking at the TV and here.

(CHUCKLES) Oh my God, that.

Did-- did you see that? Do you want me to rewind?

Oh my...

This is just so nice.

CLARA: Mm-hmm.

PHIL: Hmm. Yeah.

Try-- take some, this pizza's fire.

I love that you see the best in people.

Yeah, I don't know if it's my best trait.

I mean, you called that one pretty fast.

Yeah, it was like really obvious.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I probably would've been murdered if it weren't for you.

We make a good team.

Hey, I mean at least we're not sleeping in a car.

Might've been a better idea.

(CHUCKLES)

SYDNEY: I don't know.

This has been a fun night.

It was uh, an experience for sure.

Yeah, it'll make a good story.

Okay.

I take back the fun night thing.

This actually like sucks.

Goodnight, Sydney, I love you.

You're a star, who cares about Hollywood?

You're a star.

Sometimes all you have to do is just listen.

We don't know what someone else is going through.

Oh, hey. You okay?

Sorry, I couldn't sleep.

That-- that's okay. Just have a seat, come.

The stars are nice right now.

Hey, are you okay?

I-- I don't know.

No. Hm.

You could talk to me, just think of me

as your old pal, Fido.

(MIMICS BARKING)

(LAUGHS)

My heart is failing again.

♪ Some tears you cry

♪ Some tears are from the wine

Does she know?

Oh.

Are-- are you gonna tell her?

♪ The middle of the night

♪ When things aren't black and white ♪

♪ Enter, Troubadour

♪ Remember 24?

♪ And when I'm back in Chicago, I feel it ♪

Bye, Phil, it's been real fucking weird.

-Bye, Phil, thanks. -Wait, wait.

Um, I have something for you.

Um--

What is this?

It's just something for your travels and--

Dude, I'm gonna miss you, too.

Hm.

PHIL: You too, Sydney.

SYDNEY: Uh-huh.

You're the dog's bone. Never forget that.

Wow, that was the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

(MIMICS BARKING)

PHIL: Good luck with Buddy Charles!

♪ Back to the end of beginning

♪ Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye ♪

CLARA: Dude, there's enough in here for gas.

SYDNEY: Sick. Okay, I gotta pee.

CLARA: Okay, go to the gas station.

SYDNEY: No, I'm gonna use the rag in the trunk.

Clara, can you come here for a second?

CLARA: Hey, what's up?

What is that?

I don't know.

Is that Sam's?

I-- I don't know. Fuck man, and she's 16.

-I can't picture her like that. -Me neither.

It's-- it can't be hers. Maybe it's-- maybe it's Phil's?

No, it literally can't be, because I know

I locked the car last night.

And that's not your mom's, because it wasn't in there

when we left LA.

Fuck, what should we do? Should I call her?

I think you need to call your mom, dude.

We can't call my mom, she'll know

we're going to Idaho.

I don't really care.

You can't just pretend this isn't happening.

Pick up the phone and call your fucking mom.

That's not an option, dude. She wouldn't pick up anyway.

Like I think we just need to leave it

and pretend we didn't see it.

Okay. And what?

If she's dangerous, you want to just call the police?

Let's wait until we hear from her.

Maybe she's gonna like, call and give an explanation.

I don't know.

We're like so far from home, there's not really anything

we can do from out here anyway.

Oh my God.

You have no idea what you're doing with her.

You are put in charge to take care of her

and you do nothing but complain the whole way here.

You forget her money.

And now, you're gonna let her just murder all her camp mates!

Okay, I'm not gonna let her murder all her camp mates

if I have the gun, am I?

Sydney, I need a drink.

You're a child, you can't drink.

I don't specifically need alcohol.

I just need something with flavor

and I need to sit down.

Okay. Do you wanna like go somewhere?

We don't really have money.

We can spare the cash for some Shirley's.

Phil would want us to.

Fuck.

What's up? What do you need?

Whiskey, Scotch, Bourbon? We got $2 shots till 4:00 p.m.

I'm just messing with y'all. What's wrong?

Sit down. Y'all look like y'all 16.

Yeah, I'm just messing with y'all.

CLARA: To be honest, we're like really going through it.

If we could just get like two Shirley Temples on the rocks,

-that would be amazing. -BARTENDER: All right.

Um, I just wanna let y'all know if it get crowded in here,

though, I'm gonna have to ask y'all to leave.

-CLARA: Totally fine. -Yeah, fair enough.

All right, all right. Hey, you wanna close out now?

No, we can start a tab.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You-- you can start a tab.

All right. Two Shirley Temples.

-All right. -CLARA: Thank you.

Oh, thanks.

Dude, I can't think.

Come on, dude. We're road tripping together.

This is supposed to be fun.

There's still a lot to be happy about, like me.

Mm.

We're almost there.

Let's just find somewhere to sleep tonight

and then we'll get Buddy in the morning.

-Okay? -Yeah.

I heard you say Buddy.

Y'all ordered Shirley Temples and gave me a envelope with $12?

You in protective custody? How you know Buddy?

Buddy's in Idaho.

BARTENDER: He's in Idaho?

With my ex.

Idaho? How he get to Idaho?

CLARA: We're gonna go rescue him.

What?

Yeah. He got kidnapped.

So, this is a rescue mission.

I can help you. I promise I can help you.

SYDNEY: We're okay.

No, you not. Not if-- Buddy!

-You know Buddy? -Are we--

Huh?

How you know Buddy?

Buddy.

Buddy's a good friend. Family friend.

Been in the family a long time.

I think we're talking about different Buddies.

Oh, we're-- we're not talk--

We're not talking about the same Buddy.

Buddy.

CLARA: Our buddy's a lizard.

Like an iguana?

Eh, kinda.

Like-- like a-- like--

But like a-- like a reptile.

-Like with scales. -I mean, uh, yeah.

I mean, you could categorize him like that.

-Like... (MIMICS LIZARD) -SYDNEY: Yes.

BARTENDER: Uh, let me see a picture.

Okay.

BARTENDER: Oh.

Oh, snap.

I thought you was talking about a whole another Buddy.

(LAUGHS) Oh, he cute.

-He's so cute. -BARTENDER: Yeah.

Oh, that's Buddy. So, what happened?

Why does this Buddy-- What?

This Buddy is with your boyfriend?

Yeah.

BARTENDER: What? So, he in Idaho?

Nasty, nasty break-up.

So, like y'all broke up and he got Buddy?

Oh. My ex did the same thing to me.

Took everything. That's why I'm here.

Like, I been working here for a few years.

She cleaned me out. I ain't have much.

Like I ain't have a lot, but--

-That is so sad. -She just took everything.

Like, basically like the clothes off my back.

That sucks. Hm.

BARTENDER: I'ma make it, though. I'ma be good.

You know what I'm saying? Like, Desiree.

Desiree her name.

I don't like to talk about it, though, for real.

It's tough out here.

BARTENDER: Well, cam, fuck your ex. Fuck Desiree.

-You know what I'm talking-- -Fuck.

You know what? Fuck Desiree.

Fuck Desiree.

Fuck Desiree.

Fuck Desiree.

Fuck Desiree. Yes!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Fuck Desiree!

SYDNEY: Okay, cheers to that.

I like y'all. Can I get--

I'ma get me a Shirley Temple.

Yes! Shirleys for everyone!

Shirleys on us! Yeah!

We about to get wasted on Temples.

We only have $12.

You...

♪ I know you're only human

♪ Not much you can do about it

♪ But you know the room is true ♪

♪ No room for two is crowded

♪ I've been ego tripping

♪ Double dipping, double downing ♪

♪ That's the truth Ain't no excuses ♪

♪ Ain't no walking around it

♪ Ugh

♪ We came to fuck it up

♪ Yeah

♪ You came to change...

-SYDNEY: All your shoes? -All of 'em.

-CLARA: All of them? -And I has--

I had a really nice pair of Asics.

-Do you know Asics? -CLARA: No.

I'm like hipster in that type of way.

♪ Greatest

♪ But your only claim to fame is hating us ♪

♪ I'm a fashion elite

♪ With the bars of a beast

♪ I got claws in the floor

♪ And a bite in the beat

♪ I'm a shark, you're the meat

♪ When you bark, then I feast

♪ If I'm starting some beef

♪ I just carve, then I eat

♪ Huh

All right. So, Liam.

Bad dude, right?

BARTENDER: Dude, I can't stand him.

He's super homophobic. Sydney came out as gay.

And listen, like I understand. That's hard, right?

-BARTENDER: Yeah. -You're gay.

Your boyfriend's like,

"Oh, I didn't know you were gay."

And then you break up with him and then he like,

goes on a rampage.

Like destroys a bunch of shit. But like, come on.

Like you should be happy that someone discovered

themselves, you know what I mean?

Oh my God. You make it sound so gay.

(♪♪♪)

(SCREAMING)

SYDNEY & CLARA: (TOGETHER) ♪ There was a house in New Orleans ♪

- ♪ They call the rising sun ♪ - ♪ They call the rising sun

♪ And it was a poor boy

♪ And I'm the only one

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

(CHEERING)

-♪ The mother was a tailor -♪ The mother was a tailor

Ooh, hello.

-♪ She sewed my new blue jeans -♪ She sewed my new blue jeans

(INDISTINCT SINGING)

SYDNEY: ♪ Fuck Desiree

CLARA: ♪ I'd rather be gay

♪ Fu-- fu-- fuck Desiree

♪ Listen to what I say

♪ Yeah

♪ Fuck Desiree I'm on the way ♪

♪ I wanna play a game

-♪ To get Buddy Charles -♪ Charles

♪ Going through the desert, get Buddy Charles ♪

-♪ Going through the... -♪ Hollers at my

-♪ Yeah -♪ Lizard's

-♪ Mm-hmm. -♪ Friend

-♪ Lizard uh, friends -♪ Uh, yeah

♪ What color is the lizard? I don't know, yeah ♪

♪ He's got a blue tongue and a scaly back ♪

Wait, that just made me remember when we bought him.

He's-- he's not-- he's not a lizard.

He's a blue-tongued skink.

That's not a lizard?

No, apparently, he's not a lizard.

I actually just remembered this right now.

He's not a lizard.

Oh.

My skink going to--

Dude, dude, slow down. Do you see her?

SYDNEY: Oh, we have a really long way to go.

I don't wanna stop.

Dude, she's alone.

I don't wanna do this.

Syd, this could be like fucking CSI.

Please, we could be heroes.

-Fine. -(SQUEALS) Yes!

BRITTANY: Oh, gee. Hi.

Homeless people just have it so hard, you guys.

Like, they don't have cars to get places.

They have to hitchhike.

And today, I'm really trying to live homeless,

because I like using my platform for good, to make a difference.

And living like this for the past 45 minutes

has been really, really hard.

'Cause I feel like I have a much better understanding

of what it means to like, truly be homeless.

Anyway, I'll check back in later.

Okay, bye.

(CHEWING)

So, uh, what's your name?

My name?

Jennastarxoxo123_ 2.

I wanted to just be Jennastar, but they fucking took it.

So your name's Jenna.

No, my name isn't Jenna.

I thought you guys were asking about my screen name.

SYDNEY: Oh, we clearly weren't.

BRITTANY: Oh!

You two are so funny.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

No, my name is Brittany, but someone said

that was a bad name for my channel to be under,

because it makes it seem like I get naked online.

Right.

SYDNEY: Oh, wow.

So are you like famous?

-Like what's your deal? -No. No, not at all.

I only have a few hundred thousand followers.

Thanks for asking.

I consider myself more of a--

a philanthropist than a celebrity.

That's not how you say that word.

Shut up. She's doing fine.

It's been really educational.

Hell yeah, brother.

(GRUNTS)

So, um, what's next?

Where-- where can we drop you off?

Oh, no. You can actually drop me wherever.

I just had to get that content recorded.

I'm going to call a car to get a quickie little lunch break

before I get back on the streets.

Oh, you're going back on the streets?

BRITTANY: Yeah.

(SHRIEKS)

My Erewhon box just got delivered.

Woo-hoo!

Slay.

Slay!

Uh, yeah. We could--

You know, we could probably pull over,

find somewhere for you to get an Uber.

Thank God you guys are girls.

I was so scared I was gonna get like kidnapped or something.

Clara, how long has this car been following us?

CLARA: Okay, it's fine. Just-- just pull off to the right.

I'm just gonna speed up a little bit.

(CAR HONKING)

Oh my God! It's happening!

The 'napping of the kids.

We're getting followed.

This is what it's like living on the streets, folks.

You're seeing it here first.

Make sure to leave a gift under this video,

because 4% of all earnings are going toward one homeless.

Sydney, go faster!

BRITTANY: It's intense out here.

Who is this fucker?

Oh my God, it's-- it's-- He looks scary.

It's a man.

-What if he knows about the gun? -The gun?

How would he know about the gun?

Excuse me, gun?

-I don't know. -Okay, I have a plan.

Everyone relax and just trust me, okay?

He's going for the glove box.

(SCREAMS)

Sydney, do something.

Sydney!

♪ Got me reaching for the line

Hey.

(♪♪♪)

(GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMS)

Why the fuck, Sydney?

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it.

I didn't mean it.

I'm so sorry.

(SCREAMS)

Calling the cops.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, fuck. (PANTS)

Look at me. Look at me!

This isn't your fault.

It is my fault. It's my fault.

We can make it look like a suicide.

SYDNEY: That's not gonna work.

(SCREAMING)

Holy shit! He bleeds yellow.

What the fuck?

Oh, fuck. We're going to jail.

I'm so sorry. I can call an ambulance.

Why were you fucking following us?

-You left your phone at the bar. -What?

You left your phone!

Oh my God.

That makes sense. Thank you.

Thank you so much for the phone.

Sorry about that.

Sorry.

No. No, no, no.

No. No.

I thought you were gonna murder us.

This was self-defense.

MAN 1: Oh, come on.

I've been trying to get your attention

-for the last 10 minutes. -SYDNEY: Attention?

That is not the most efficient way to get our atten--

Look, look, look. We're like really, really sorry.

Could you just like not call the cops on us?

I'm not gonna call the cops.

You're fucking crazy.

I'm not gonna call the cops.

Be careful with that thing.

Oh my God.

(PANTING)

Okay.

So maybe like we shouldn't shoot people

as our first instinct.

No shit.

Where's the po-po?

SYDNEY: I don't know what just happened.

Like-- it's like-- it's like my instincts took over me.

I was like a Goddamn spy out there like...

(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

How did we not know it was a paintball gun?

I don't know.

The fuck are we gonna do about Brittany?

Dude, I don't think she's actually calling the cops.

I feel like she was just being dramatic for content.

(SCREAMS)

You think she was being dramatic when she thought

-that we murdered a man? -Okay.

Fuck! I feel so stupid.

Yeah, I know. Me, too.

I'm gonna call Sam.

Why? What is she gonna do?

Absolutely nothing, but we have her paintball gun.

Okay.

(PHONE DIALING)

SAM: (ON PHONE) Hey, what's up?

Hey. We have your paintball gun.

SAM: (ON PHONE) I need that.

I have a tournament this week.

Wait, you're in a paintball tournament?

Sam, that's kinda lit.

SAM: (ON PHONE) Can you bring my gun?

Can we do it tomorrow night?

SAM: (ON PHONE) Can you get here sooner? I really need it.

No, we're going to Idaho.

SAM: (ON PHONE) For what? Does Mom know?

You guys are idiots.

Oh my God, Sam.

I'm so sorry, but we're actually breaking up a little bit.

Can you hea--

I'll call you later! Bye!

Fuck, dude. She's gonna tell your mom.

Should we just give her the gun?

No. We are mid mission right now.

Focus.

And that doesn't take priority?

She's fine.

Why are kids playing with paintball guns?

(POLICE SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Fucking Brittany, bro.

-It's fine. It's fine. -Oh my God. Oh my God.

We'll just tell them the truth. It's fine.

-Why do you-- -Put your seatbelt on.

Why do you do this to me?

We got a call from a girl claiming she saw two girls,

in a similar car to yours, shoot a guy.

That is correct, Officer. We did shoot a man.

-SYDNEY: No. -Get out of the car now.

We didn't. That's not what happened.

-Get out. -I'm sorry.

(SHUSHES)

It was a paintball gun.

What was that?

SYDNEY: It was a paintball gun.

It-- it's not a real gun.

Everyone's fine. It was a misunderstanding.

We know the girl. You can--

It's in the trunk, if you wanna go look at it.

-I panicked. -Oh my God.

(EXHALES)

COP: I'm gonna need the name of the guy that owns that gun.

Where are you going?

Hi, Officer.

What the hell was that?

Oh. (LAUGHS)

My foot just slipped.

COP: I looked up the license plate. This isn't your car.

It's-- it's my mom's car.

Did you get permission to drive your mommy's car

outta state?

Yes.

I had to bring my sister to camp.

(SIGHS)

All right.

I'll let you guys go.

I'm just gonna write you up for your uh, getaway just then.

You know, you're lucky I'm nice.

Well, that worked out.

(CAR WHOOSHES)

Would you rather have abnormally large feet

or abnormally large hands?

Feet, obviously. Give me a harder one.

Okay.

Would you rather be broke and happy

or rich and miserable?

Rich and miserable probably.

Okay. Well, that's the wrong answer.

Dude, we need money so bad right now.

Like we need another tank of gas to get there.

God, okay, my life sucks!

We shouldn't have gotten the Shirleys!

Like I need to stop on the Shirleys!

Don't even say that!

The Shirleys are not the problem here.

And lucky for you, I have another solution

to our money problem,

and it happens to be right down the road.

Oh, that's so exciting!

Are you gonna like whore me out again?

You wanna solve this with bingo? Really?

Yes.

Where do you even find this?

Your mom's Facebook.

You still have Facebook?

-Yeah. I use it sometimes. -(CHUCKLES)

Whatever. Stop doubting my plans.

This is gonna be great.

How many tickets, ladies?

Um, two each is fine, right?

8 bucks.

-You have to pay for these? -Mm-hmm. 8 bucks.

Cash only.

-Here you go. -Thank you.

You had that the whole time? What the fuck, Clara?

Heck, Clara.

Um, my mom makes me keep $10 cash

-in case of emergencies. -Thanks.

Okay, so no food, no gas, not an emergency.

Bingo, emergency.

-I completely spaced-- -Noted.

-About it. I forgot. -Oh, okay.

-(SYDNEY CHUCKLES) -CLARA: Sorry.

Do you think we have enough cards?

No, I think two each is good.

I'm feeling really good about it.

ANGELA: Hello, everyone, and welcome.

Well, we have some exciting news this afternoon.

Our first round is sponsored by our very own

First National Bank.

And to celebrate their 100th anniversary,

they are giving away, drum roll please...

$100 cash prize!

We need that cash.

Yeah.

SUSAN: Good luck, sweetheart.

SYDNEY: With what?

SUSAN: Uh, with getting the cash.

Everybody here has been coming to play bingo here for years.

Oh my God, you're the newbies here.

Ugh.

Sorry.

I thought this was a game of luck.

(CHUCKLES)

What's your names?

Oh, I'm Clara. This is Sydney.

Well, I'm Susan,

and I have a winning streak going.

I have won three weeks in a row and it's not luck.

It's the dauber technique! Yes!

What's a dauber?

My God.

Silly, silly girl.

♪ I'm feeling lucky tonight

♪ Mm, yeah

Ugh!

-I'm gonna kick her ass! -What the hell is a dauber?

She is fully aware she's being a fucking bitch right now.

Like who needs that many bingo cards?

Dude, your sister has texted me

like a hundred times.

She's trying to get a hold of you.

Yeah, she's fine.

She probably just wants to go home or something.

No, call her back.

-No. -Why?

Because we're in fucking Nevada,

and I have old ladies to fuck up.

Really try to word that differently.

Hm. Let's go.

(TONGUE FLICKING)

SUSAN: Oh, you girls have been gone a while.

(CHUCKLES)

Nervous?

No, we aren't nervous one bit, Susan.

Best of luck this afternoon, everyone.

Daubers up.

Oh. This is a dauber.

Here we go. Round one.

Let's begin.

Let us begin.

(CHUCKLES)

Shush up.

B-11. Legs 11.

G-54. G-54 out the door.

O-74. We're so poor.

-74. -You got that one.

I got that one!

You got that one. Nice!

SUSAN: Can you please repeat that?

I couldn't hear for all the ruckus.

Can you two shut your traps?

Aw. I'm really sorry, Susan.

Your hearing aids can't keep up.

SUSAN: Oh, yeah.

That's because your voices are so high-pitched

and irritating

that they can't even pick up the frequency!

O-73. O-73, where are thee?

I-22. Double ducks, 22.

G-51. Twink of the thumb, 51.

O-64. 64 red raw, 64.

Bingo! I got a bingo!

-ANGELA: Bring it up here then. -(CHUCKLES)

Bingo! Yeah!

Bingo!

-It's bingo. -Woo!

They're lying.

This innocent child?

SUSAN: They cheated.

They distracted me and they stole my card.

Oh, come on.

Last week you complained we avoided your numbers.

I-- I think you're the boy who cried wolf, Susan.

You know what? I've had it.

I have had all this.

After all these years of doing these things.

Here, take your card and shove 'em.

You know what to do with them.

'Cause you wanna know something?

I'm the winner.

I have always been the winner here.

Every time I come, I win and you're all jealous!

So everybody, go screw yourself. I am gonna win all the time.

(BACKGROUND CHATTER)

Congratulations.

Thank you so much. Bingo!

(CHUCKLES)

ANGELA: A bingo.

♪ I'm feeling lucky tonight

♪ Yeah

Bro, Susan is crazy.

Yeah, well, you did steal her bingo card.

She can't do anything about it.

♪ Yeah, they know what's up ♪

♪ I don't talk shit ♪

Well, she definitely did something about it.

She's insane.

Suck it, juice bags.

CLARA: Juice bags?

What a bitch.

Hey, dude, we can't drive like this.

How are we gonna get it off?

I mean, they probably have rags inside.

CLARA: Wanna play another game?

SYDNEY: Hmm, sure.

This shit's really on there.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, whose fault is that?

Not mine. I'm a child.

She shouldn't have reacted like that.

♪ Teeth on the dash

♪ Got my heart in your hands

Okay, yeah.

♪ I'm sitting pretty

♪ I make you want me

-Okay. -(EXHALES)

♪ I am a guard in my room when I'm home ♪

I'm gonna miss you, dumbass.

I'm gonna miss you, too, but it's like three months.

It's gonna go by fast.

Yeah, I know.

You okay?

Yeah.

I do have um, kind of a big life update

to share with you though.

-Oh. -(CHUCKLES)

Um, it's-- it's really fucking stupid.

Um, I-- I've decided I'm not gonna go

to college anymore.

What? When did you decide that?

Oh, just like a while ago.

Why didn't you tell me?

Clara, why didn't you tell me that?

Dude, what is going on?

I'm sick again.

What?

Um, I haven't been feeling very good

and like my memory's been fuzzy and my rhythm's been

all out of whack, so we went to the doctor

and my heart is failing again.

Well, that's-- that's not possible.

That's--

Um, I don't know, dude.

I guess the surgery I got when I was a kid

was supposed to be a fix, but um, there's an arrhythmia now

and they can't seem to get a handle on it,

so they put me on the transplant list.

So, you'll-- you'll get a transplant

and then you'll be fine, right?

Maybe.

Um, there's like a lot of scar tissue, so...

they're preparing me for worst-case scenario.

Why can't they just like fix your heart?

It's just not how it works.

Can't they call another doctor? Like can you try somebody else?

No, my mom has tried every cardiologist she could find.

CLARA: I'm sorry.

(CLARA SOBBING)

Why did you lie to me?

What? Sydney, I didn't lie to you.

You didn't tell me.

No. Dude, you can't be mad at me for this right now.

No, I just-- I would have liked to have known.

You know, you're not the only person that this affects.

-Why are you yelling at me? -I'm not yelling at you.

(SOBS)

I'm sorry.

You have no idea how much I hate

that I'm putting you through this.

I love you.

I love you, too.

How long have you known?

Since February.

February?

Clara, are you fucking kidding me?

I'm sorry, I didn't want everything to change.

Why did you keep--

no, why did you keep this from me for so long?

I didn't want you to look at me differently!

Woah, look--

Okay. I-- I'm so...

I can't, I can't, I'm sorry.

No, where are you going?

SYDNEY: I just-- I need to go sleep in the church.

(SOBS)

♪ If I know it's not right

♪ Do I stay just tonight

♪ Because I couldn't fight it

♪ Even if I tried

♪ So I pick up the phone

♪ But you haven't called

(INDISTINCT LYRICS)

♪ Until you come home

Fuck my life!

(♪♪♪)

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, hello.

MOLLY: (ON PHONE) Hi, bug. How's the trip going?

Oh, you know.

MOLLY: (ON PHONE) Oh, baby. You finally told her?

Yep. She's pretty pissed off, mom.

I feel like I should've told her sooner.

MOLLY: (ON PHONE) The river's gonna flow even if you stand in the way,

so why not flow with it?

Mom, what?

Are you gonna call the cops?

PRIEST: Do you need me to?

Uh, are you guys okay?

I mean, yeah, we're fine,

other than her fucking heart defect.

PRIEST: Oh, I'm sorry.

My mom went through heart surgery twice.

Have you ever heard the saying, "Through every dark night,

there's a bright day after?"

Is that the Bible?

Tupac.

(CHUCKLES)

Is she doing better now?

I like to think so.

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

Am I driving?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

(COUGHS)

Have you just been hiding those from me the whole time?

Yep.

Okay.

(GULPS)

Are you only letting me drive, because you feel bad

for throwing a major bitch fit and storming off last night?

Yes, that is correct.

Okay.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

Yeah.

(DOORS SHUTS)

(DOORS SHUTS)

Are you mad at me?

No, I'm not mad at you.

I was just waiting for you to do something wrong,

so I could take my spot back.

You're a fucking bitch.

It's lizard day.

It's lizard liberation day.

(CHUCKLES) See, it smells like shit in here.

-Yeah, that's us, dumbass. -Okay.

♪ Water and a lime

♪ Lemon into wine and drink

♪ Oh, darling, I just walk around the hollowness I feel ♪

Ugh, I'm bored.

Talk to me.

I don't know what to talk about.

Well, come up with something.

I'm dying. You talk.

Okay, geez.

I don't know, um...

what do you think about me going to college

or not?

Dude, you've been talking about college since we were 10.

Please just go to college.

I'm serious, you don't have to worry about me.

(♪♪♪)

CLARA: Is that his car?

I have no idea.

How do you wanna do this?

I think we need to sneak inside.

No, 'cause what if he's in there with Buddy Charles

and then--

We have to start throwing grenades

and then the police get called and it becomes a whole--

Oh, shit!

Maybe he isn't home. I don't see another car.

No, there could definitely be another one in the garage.

We just need to get inside.

(♪♪♪)

♪ What's your problem, 'cause it never ends ♪

♪ I thought that you were coming round again ♪

-It's the kitchen. -Any sign of Buddy Charles?

Negative. Let's move.

It's the dining room. No sign of Buddy Charles.

Let's keep moving.

Good work.

Yeah, you too. What do we do now?

I think I'm just gonna go knock on the front door.

What, do you think he's just gonna hand you the lizard?

God, no.

What is the plan then?

The plan is that you'll figure it out

-while I distract him. -Listen, Sydney, no.

No, you got this, you got this, you got this.

-Sydney! -You got this.

(INHALES) Oh, God.

Hi.

(CHUCKLES) Hey.

Uh, you-- you're in Idaho?

Yeah.

Cool. Um, how'd you know I live here?

That's a really good question. Super glad you asked that.

Um, I'm-- I'm actually friends with your mom on the internet

and she posted...

-Yeah, that makes sense. -Yeah, right?

LIAM: Yeah. Why you here?

Um, yeah, so I just-- I don't know,

I figured we could like, I don't know,

catch up a little, hang out.

-Yeah. I mean-- -SYDNEY: Yeah.

You know, especially since we never got to talk

after you decided that you were a lesbian.

(CHUCKLES)

I didn't decide I was a lesbian, Liam.

We've talked about this.

Okay. Well, you at least decided to pretend

-that you were straight, so... -I didn't know if I was gay.

LIAM: How could you not know you were gay?

We were having sex.

Were-- were-- were you faking it?

Obviously.

Yeah.

Huh.

-That means you're gay. -No.

It actually just means you're bad with women.

(ARGUING IN BACKGROUND)

Okay. Door was unlocked.

Doesn't count as breaking and entering

if the door is unlocked.

Fuck.

God. Okay, you are so insufferable.

Like, this is why we broke up.

Just admit it.

You're still into me.

I'm not attracted to you, Liam.

LIAM: You are.

(CHUCKLES)

I can tell.

(ARGUING IN BACKGROUND)

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah.

(LAUGHS) Are you 12?

Why are you laughing at me?

Because this is like ridiculous.

Like what are you trying to prove to me?

That you're not gay and you still love me.

Maybe things got a little too intense too fast,

and that's okay.

Because I still love you, too.

And what makes you think that I would be in love

with you back?

(CHUCKLES)

The look in your eyes.

This is not a YA novel, Liam. This is real life.

I kinda fucking hate you too right now, Sydney.

-(CHUCKLES) -Sydney?

(LIAM & SYDNEY GASP)

-Oh my goodness. -Hi.

LIAM'S MOM: Oh, how are you, honey?

SYDNEY: So good to see you.

LIAM'S MOM: Oh, yeah.

So glad you two are reconnecting.

-SYDNEY: I know. -Me too.

Liam still talks about you all the time.

He does?

LIAM: Mom!

Buddy.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm so sorry.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, so good to see you.

Oh, you have no idea how much I miss you, too.

-Okay? -LIAM'S MOM: Yeah, see you soon.

-SYDNEY: Yeah. Okay. Muah. -LIAM'S MOM: Okay.

-All right, enjoy. -Bye.

LIAM'S MOM: Bye. I'm grabbing some boxes.

You still talk about me?

That's really sweet.

Yeah.

I talk about how much a fucking pussy bitch you are.

Yes. Come here, you, yes. Hi.

It's so good to see you.

If you admit you're still into me,

I'll stop all this.

Stop what?

The diss tracks.

Wow. Okay.

Uh, I-- I can't believe you haven't heard these.

Allow me to amaze you.

Okay. I'm-- I'm prepared.

LIAM: Boop.

♪ Hey, yo, mic check, mic check ♪

♪ This thing on?

♪ Uh, you're never getting laid ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ 'Cause you wanted to be gay

♪ Damn

♪ I'm reaching for my fame

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay

♪ You're eating pussy

♪ What a shame

♪ Oh, that was so hard, bro

♪ I know

Mm.

Yeah, I-- I'm gonna get so famous,

you're gonna regret what you did.

(LAUGHS)

Did you make the beat yourself, too?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

Yeah?

(LAUGHS)

You are so mean, you know that?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, are you crying?

Just-- just like--

Oh. Well, now I kinda feel bad.

Just-- just-- like-- tell me-- tell me-- tell me I'm hot.

Are you recording me?

No.

SYDNEY: What, were you gonna like jerk off to that later?

Mm, mm.

I'm not gonna do that, Liam. I can't do that.

LIAM: Please?

SYDNEY: Uh-uh. I can't do it.

I need this. I really need it.

You have no idea how bad I need this.

I can't. I'm not gonna tell you you're hot, Liam.

LIAM: Please?

Fine. You know what?

You're so hot.

LIAM: Wait, wait, wait. Again. I need to record it.

-You're so hot, Liam. -LIAM: Oh, oh.

What was that?

Oh, oh my God. Is this happening?

Yeah, it's happening. Uh-huh.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

LIAM: Wait. Where are you-- You fucking bitch.

You took my-- you took my lizard.

It's my lizard, asshole!

But he needs a male role model.

We don't even know if he's a he.

(GRUNTS)

SYDNEY: Ow, ow.

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

♪ I hope it hurts

You stupid bitch.

♪ When I watch your world burn ♪

♪ Our struggle never ends

♪ I hope it hurts

♪ I hope it

(PANTS)

(♪♪♪)

-(LAUGHS) -Who's a good little lizzie?

Hi, baby.

Are you so happy to be back with mommy?

I know, it must have been so miserable.

We did it!

We did it! Oh my God.

Oh my God.

-I got so much anger out. -I know.

Dude, that looked like it felt fucking amazing.

Felt incredible.

The look on his face when he realized what we were doing.

He was so pissed!

I was scurrying around his bedroom.

I picked up three pairs of his boxers.

No, ew!

(LAUGHING)

Holy shit!

(LAUGHING)

-So what now? -SYDNEY: What?

What do you wanna do now?

SYDNEY: Go home?

We could go to Texas. Or like drive to Montana.

I mean, that's like really fucking close.

Dude, we can do that next summer.

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

SYDNEY: Oh.

I c-- I can't, I can't go home, Sydney.

I know.

No, like--

So I can't. I--

SYDNEY: You need to breathe. You need to breathe.

I can't look at my mom anymore.

I know, I know you need to breathe.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, breathe.

It hurts, it hurts too fucking bad.

-Breathe. You're okay. -I can't, I can't.

I know, I know, but you need to stop.

Stop breathing.

If you die from a panic attack, that would be so embarrassing,

right?

So let's breathe, breathe slowly.

In for four, out for four.

1, 2, 3, 4. Out.

2, 3, 4. In.

2, 3, 4, out. 2, 3, 4.

Okay, yeah.

It's okay.

Sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

Uh, clearly Buddy Charles can't read a room.

He seems pretty fucking happy.

(SYDNEY CHUCKLES)

I don't know what to do, Clara.

About what?

Everything.

I don't know. Like, do I go to college?

Do I not go to college?

If I go to college, what do I study?

Like, I just-- I-- I don't know what I wanna do

for the rest of my life.

You know?

And-- and you're the person that normally like

makes those decisions for me, you know?

Okay.

We already had this conversation.

Dude, I'm not blaming you.

I'm just saying like that this is really rough.

Yeah, sorry that me being sick is really inconvenient, Syd.

I never said that.

You're still making me feel bad.

SYDNEY: I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

I'm just saying that like obviously this is really hard

for me.

Oh, it's hard for you?

Do you realize that you haven't asked me

one time how I'm feeling?

Or if I'm in pain?

Can you imagine for two seconds what it might feel like?

-No, Clara. I can't. -Oh, of course you can't.

-Like I can't even-- -Yeah.

SYDNEY: I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.

Then why are you acting like this is so much harder

for you specifically?

I-- I'm not saying that it's harder for me in any way.

I'm just saying that it's also difficult.

CLARA: Okay, then why do you keep making it about yourself?

-I'm not-- -Everything is about you!

I'm not trying to make it about myself.

I'm just saying that like I'm-- I'm scared.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm fucking terrified, Sydney.

I don't wanna die.

I don't wanna leave you.

Let's just go home.

Sydney, drive the fucking car!

(♪♪♪)

♪ Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba ♪

♪ Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum ♪

♪ Woke up in your new apartment ♪

♪ In your twin-size bed, coffee starting ♪

♪ Don't remember much

♪ All I know is that you talk too much ♪

-Thanks. -I like your earrings.

♪ Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba ♪

♪ Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum ♪

♪ You've got those big blue eyes drive me crazy ♪

♪ Make me fantasize about you, baby ♪

♪ And you smell so sweet like fresh-picked daisies ♪

♪ Call me Dahmer, 'cause your heart's so tasty ♪

♪ Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba ♪

♪ Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum ♪

♪ And I watched you break like glass, you shatter ♪

♪ Said, "It's my mistake I make things harder" ♪

♪ So I tried my best to shut my mouth ♪

♪ But all the thoughts I hid dug their way out ♪

♪ Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba ♪

♪ Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum ♪

♪ You said, "You can't trust me" ♪

♪ I said it's fine

♪ Because I'm not happy 'til I tell a lie ♪

SAM: (ON PHONE) Syd.

Hi, bestie.

SAM: (ON PHONE) Are you okay?

Yeah.

No, I just wanted to call and say I'm sorry.

I feel like I've been a pretty shit sister.

SAM: (ON PHONE) Why? Because you forgot my gun?

Fuck.

(SAM CHUCKLES)

(ON PHONE) You guys are idiots.

♪ Ba, ba, dum, ba, ba, dum, badumba ♪

♪ Da, ba, bum, ba, ba, dum ♪

(♪♪♪)

Are you being a good friend today?

Go out and be a good friend.

Sydney, I need you to go be a good friend.

Sydney.

Sydney, I need you to be a good fucking friend.

(CAR HORNS)

Get in, bitch.

Sorry.

How are you?

You know.

(SNIFFLES)

Yeah, I do.

Sorry, I got mad at her.

I don't know. I just--

I-- I feel so guilty for getting mad

and then I feel like I can't get mad,

because she's sick and then that makes me

feel more guilty and then I get more mad about it

and I spiral and I just--

I-- I don't even know what I'm mad about at this point.

You know?

(SNIFFLES)

I used to get mad, too. All the time.

How did you get over that?

Oh, you don't. You just get used to it.

You wake up every day and you hope

something's gonna change.

And then you begin to live with the likely reality

that that's not gonna happen.

But you wake up again and again...

and suddenly you're 55...

and your daughter's 18.

And you are disappointed, yes.

But you're relieved.

You're grateful...

for all the time you got.

Okay?

(SNIFFLES)

CLARA: So where are we going?

We forgot the damn gun.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm really sorry.

I'm like really sorry for taking all of my stress out on you.

That wasn't fair.

No. No, no, no, no.

You were completely correct.

Like I needed to be better with Sam and you.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how to handle this.

I'm gonna work on it and get better, okay?

I promise.

Yeah, my mom kinda reminded me of that.

Fuck, dude.

These last couple days were supposed to be fun.

They were supposed to be easy.

I had a blast.

You literally complained the entire time.

Yeah, but that was just to piss you off.

I had a really good time, really.

I wanna go on another trip with you in the fall.

No. Sydney, I'm not gonna be the reason

you don't go to college.

No, I already decided.

I'm gonna go to community college and I'm gonna enroll

in online classes.

It's like what I wanna do anyway.

What about Sam?

We could bring her. Bring your mom.

It'll be fun.

Okay, sure. Where are we going?

I don't care. We can go wherever you want.

Even Antarctica?

I fucking knew you were gonna say that.

Let's see. Sure.

Mm-mm.

Actually, no, I'm not sure. This shit's expensive.

Do you think you can ask for another Make-A-Wish?

I already had one.

But like didn't you die and come back to life?

So like technically you should get two.

That's a really good point.

Uh-huh.

CLARA: I have no idea.

Is there a number? Look it up.

I will call. I'll do it.

Yeah.

Okay.

SYDNEY: What are you gonna say?

I don't know. I'll just--

I'll improv my way through it, it'll be fine.

Oh God, I'm gonna laugh.

Don't laugh. It's not funny.

SYDNEY: It's a little bit funny.

ANDREW: (ON PHONE) Make-A-Wish, this is Andrew.

Um, hi.

(LAUGHS)

Um, uh, I'm dying, so I was just wondering if,

um, if I could go to Antarctica and um, also like

if I could bring my pet lizard with me?

Dude, where is Buddy Charles.

Fuck!

♪ World crash, summer crash

♪ Way too quick feet on your dash ♪

♪ Hands on the wheel, I'll make you laugh ♪

♪ Oh, down bad, that's too bad ♪

♪ Choke on the whip, but hit the past ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm quick to watch you pass ♪

♪ I didn't know that we got it all wrong ♪

♪ And I didn't think that you'd love me this strong ♪

♪ Want to believe in something strong ♪

♪ Just tell me you like that

♪ I want you to fight back

♪ I'll play along

(♪♪♪)

♪ I don't wanna talk right now

♪ I don't wanna hear you out

♪ You don't need to know I'm fine ♪

♪ You don't get that peace of mind ♪

♪ I don't wanna talk right now

♪ I just wanna shut you out

♪ You would know that I was lying ♪

♪ If I told you I was

♪ If I told you I was

♪ If I told you I was

♪ If I told you I was

♪ If I told you

♪ If I told you I was

♪ If I told you I was fine

♪ If I told you I was fine

♪ If I told you I was fine

♪ Fine

♪ Still watching the laundry spin around ♪

♪ Still watching the daylight spiral out ♪

♪ Still leaving the door wide open, Hannah ♪

♪ Leaving the door wide open ♪

♪ Still locked in the static

♪ Still can't imagine a life past 17 ♪

♪ When seven's a number that I'll never see ♪

♪ 'Cause Hannah's still knocking on the door next to me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

(BRITTANY SOBS)

BRITTANY: And I didn't even get my fucking Erewhon box?

This is so not slay.