Original subtitles

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to hitch these two beautiful sons of bitches that

love each other so much.

I think that's Southern.

What does it sound like then?

Like this?

I want to marry you.

Dracula. That's a choice.

Well, then what does a Midwestern accent

sound like, eh?

Is that Canadian? Eh?

Hey.

Hello.

I'm sorry.

Relax.

-I'm sorry. -Oh my gosh. It's gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be fine.

No, there are just--

There are a few things that I have not told you about

my family.

The religious stuff.

I know all about the religious stuff.

It's fine.

If anyone asks, can you just say that we don't

live together?

Like, say you live with a friend.

I don't know if I'm comfortable flat out lying.

It's not lying.

It's glossing over the details.

A sin of omission?

Sin of omission, that's more of a Catholic thing.

Protestants are all about sins of emission.

Ew.

Something about the will, channeling the will,

splitting it.

I really thought it was Augustine.

No.

Aristotle?

Mm-mm.

I swear it was an A.

Well, since when is scripture not enough?

I just really wanna drive this point home.

Pastor Stu, they're starting the last song now.

Oh, thank you, Helen.

Nervous?

Well, it's the first time we're all under the same roof

in years, so...

They'll just be happy to see you.

Yeah.

...My soul, my Savior God to Thee

How great Thou art

How great Thou art

Let's pray.

So, what should I talk about then?

Uh, talk about your master's program.

That's interesting.

Okay.

Just don't mention your research.

It's literally a research program.

Yeah, just talk about the biology part

without getting into the evolutionary part.

Your parents are not like flat Earthers, are they?

No, not flat Earthers, just young Earthers.

Oh, also no smoking, sorry, I'm sorry.

- Okay. - Yeah. So sorry.

One week.

Ready?

Here we go.

Exhale.

And squeeze.

Jesus fuck.

Hey.

Look at that.

Oh my gosh.

-Look at that. -Yay.

You might wanna watch that language.

Who's that man?

That's Alan.

He's gonna be your new uncle.

Ah.

Well, look at these cool New Yorkers.

Hey, I'm walking here.

Hey.

-That's what you sound like. -I've seen that on some show.

Hey.

Oh, it's so good to see you.

Dad.

Dad, this is Alan.

I can tell by the dashing good looks.

Sir, it is so great to--

- Hi, Aunt Sophie. - Dad!

- Hi, Jesse. - Yeah.

Oh, gosh.

- Hi. - You know what?

Your mother's out.

I'm on kitchen duty.

Is everything okay? Should I--

- Dad. - You know--

Okay, move, move, move.

Can I help?

Oh, I goofed. I-- I'm so sorry, sweetie.

I just goofed.

I-- I shouldn't go near that thing.

- It's okay. - But I can--

Whoa.

The tallest of all-est, and he's good-looking.

Do you have any siblings?

'Cause I got a whole bunch I'm still trying to get rid of.

No siblings.

Oh, well, you do now.

Hi, everybody.

Sorry, we missed the uh, service this morning.

Our flight got delayed.

Well, at least you guys had a good excuse.

Where were the rest of you Philistines?

I was here, P Stu.

Yes. You-- you were there, Benji.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

What's up?

New guy.

Benji.

Hey.

You saved the day, honey.

You did.

Oh, could you also make me those cookies that I like?

Already in the oven.

Isn't she terrific?

Yeah, subservient wife in training.

Don't worry, Grace is just jealous someone actually

wants to marry Sophie.

It's true.

I'm dying to consign my ovaries to the patriarchy.

Okay. Goodnight, grandpa.

- Goodnight, you guys. Love you. - Goodnight, grandpa.

Naomi, help your brother, okay?

And Jared, how are your studies going?

Um...

It's fine.

- Yeah? - It's good, yeah.

Jared's following in his old man's footsteps.

Gonna be a man of the cloth.

And now w-- what about you?

So Sophie says you're into the sciences or--

Yeah.

Actually, I uh, majored in--

ev-- ev-- ev-- I've-- I've done bi--

I do biology.

- Dad, I-- - Hm.

Why don't we go ahead and-- and eat?

Mom said she was gonna be late.

Okay, everyone's attention, though, for a moment.

Um...

Okay.

Uh, Sophie, um...

-...on the day you were born- -Dad.

- Dad. - Oh, here we go.

Sorry.

I know.

You're doing it again.

In your whole life, the most important decision

you're gonna make is whom to marry.

I was so lucky I found your mother.

And well, Jared, you were so lucky to have found Mae.

And Leah has an amazing boyfriend.

What?

Who said that?

We're very blessed to have you here, too, Benji.

Ay.

Now, anyway, I-- it's nice to have common interests

and you know, maybe good looks a-- and all that,

but more importantly, you wanna find someone

with integrity.

Someone whose yes is yes and their no is no,

and can look in the eye and know that you're

on the same page.

And Al, I have been praying for you since long before

the two of you ever met.

May the Lord bless you both.

- Hear, hear. - Thanks, dad.

Ah.

That's good stuff.

Okay. Now, Al, would you do us the honor

of blessing this meal that your lovely bride-to-be has prepared

for us?

Oh, I mean, I don't think I--

I'll do it. I'll pray.

Come on, the food is getting cold.

No, hang on. No, no, no, let the man speak.

What's the matter?

Uh, you are absolutely right, integrity is everything,

and uh, I-- I don't wanna get off on the wrong foot, Sophie,

so I don't wanna pretend I'm somebody I'm not.

Oh.

Oh.

You're a Catholic?

I'm not an anything.

I don't--

I'm not religious at all.

Fuck!

Yeah, but I never gave you permission

to tell 'em I was Christian.

No, that's a big deal.

Yeah, I kn-- I didn't tell them anything.

They assumed.

It's their way of life.

But it's not mine.

I just-- I wanted them to like you.

And sweeping things under the rug is kind

of the family culture.

I don't wanna do that with you.

I'm sorry.

All right, I will see you guys later.

I'm going.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Driving away.

Bye, Benji.

Oh, what's up?

Oh, this week is gonna be hell.

Hey, hey.

We got this.

Should we get some sleep?

About that, your room's up there,

mine's back there.

Oh.

Sorry.

-House rules. -I understand--

And I'm not sweeping things under the rug,

I just think with how tonight went--

I have rocked the boat more than enough for one day,

so it's okay.

See you tomorrow?

Okay.

Miss you already.

Oh.

One week.

- The f-- - Ugh.

Oh my God, are you okay?

Sophie just needs to have an honest conversation

with him about this.

No, she's compromised.

Missionary dating is a bogus approach

to conversion.

It throws the whole motivation into question.

Uh, who are you to talk?

You missionary dated your wife, literally.

Yeah, but I fully converted her before

we even kissed.

Okay, so do you think he's a full-blown atheist

or just still searching?

What's the big deal? I'm a Buddhist.

Okay, Grace.

Okay, sweetie, yes, you think you're a Buddhist,

but actually you're just

in a protractive rebellious phase, and it'll pass.

Good stuff's under the sink.

Oh, shit.

Mazel tov.

Heard you made quite the impression tonight.

Uh, yeah, everyone was uh, was really--

It's okay.

It must have been overwhelming for you.

Sorry, I couldn't be here.

So you're not concerned?

I know my daughter, and if she thinks that you have

potential, so do I.

Potential.

Thanks, uh, I think.

So you're the family night owl, huh?

Mm-hmm.

My youngest likes to sneak out.

I stand guard sometimes to put the fear of God in her.

She's a little bit too much like me, but don't worry,

Sophie takes after her dad.

In what way?

You know, i-- idealism, romance.

You must be quite the romantic to have captured Sophie's heart.

I think less of a romantic, more of a pragmatist.

And with all due respect, I think that's what Sophie likes

about me.

My mistake.

There's coffee there.

Sophie went out with dad.

Oh, thank you.

What are you working on?

Oh, a paper.

Oh, you're in school, too?

No, I just help Jared with some of the busy work

when he's uh, busy.

Uh, what's the subject?

Transubstantiation.

Oh, that is my favorite Death Cab album.

What?

Never mind, sorry.

What does it mean?

It's like when the bread and the wine

of the Eucharist become the body and the blood of Jesus Christ.

Okay.

It's cool.

Jared actually refused to write the paper,

because we do not believe in transubstantiation.

He said we should refuse wasting time on it.

Booyah, baby!

Bull's eye!

Woo!

But I don't want it to hurt his academic record.

Sure, I understand that.

Can anybody beat that?

What kind of biology did you say you were studying?

Oh, paleobiology.

My focus, though, is on the Cretaceous Period.

What's the Cretaceous Period?

It's actually a period of time from over 145 million years ago.

Jesse, go play with dad.

But why?

Wow, so interesting.

I would love to hear more about that sometime.

- Come on, old man. - Oh.

We used to do this every weekend.

Yeah, well, I used to not be 60

with high cholesterol.

A-yai-yai.

Oh, I've missed this.

Oh, it's beautiful.

I-- how could you come up here, look at this,

and not believe that there's a God, huh?

Honey, have you ever heard of the term unequally yoked?

Yeah, but I don't love being compared

to an ox.

No, that-- that's just a metaphor.

No, that's Paul using imagery from the ancient world,

but the rest of the passage goes...

"What partnership has righteousness with lawlessness?

What fellowship has light with darkness?"

So you've thought about this.

Of course.

But dad, Alan isn't lawless.

No, again, it-- it's just a metaphor.

I think the main idea is that you shouldn't give

your life to someone who doesn't share

your faith.

Sweetie, marriage is hard enough as it is.

Do you want it to be harder?

Divorce rates aren't any lower for people

who are equally yoked.

Well, that's true.

Absolutely true.

We are living in a fallen world.

Look, dad, I know this isn't exactly what

you had in mind for me, but Alan is a good man.

He's patient, and understanding, compassionate.

He loves me for exactly who I am,

no strings attached,

and I love him for exactly who he is.

She's compromised, period.

Her female hormones have taken over,

and she can't see straight, period.

Uh, nail polish emoji, baby emoji.

Um, it's up to us now, dash, call a family meeting,

exclamation point, exclamation point.

Hey, let's roll.

Family meeting in 10 minutes, compulsory for all.

Family meeting, 10 minutes.

It is compulsory.

So listen, I-- I feel bad that we got off

to a shaky start last night,

'cause let me tell you something,

that is not what this family is about, okay?

So I wanna make it up to you, so I want the two of you

to go out, have a nice lunch. -No.

No, no, no, on me.

Dad, that's really not necessary.

I insist. No, no.

-What? What? -No, no, come on.

No, no, no, just come on, you gotta get going.

Come on, jump in there. You're gonna jump--

-No, no, you're-- -Okay.

Gonna jump in over here. You can't--

You can't both drive.

Oh, and I meant to tell you, they say that

when you marry someone, you also marry their family.

Ooh.

Okay, have fun, you guys.

Yum, yum, yum.

All right, put it right here.

- Holed down here. - Come on, Grace.

Okay.

Why do you have an air horn?

The Whitaker family meeting comes to order.

- Okay, guys. - Give me that.

Okay, God. Oh, no, no, no.

Let go of my air horn.

Let go of my air horn, Grace.

Jared!

Listen-- thank you, Mae.

Now, we have five days before the wedding.

That's five days to rescue this marriage

from being doomed before it even begins.

That's five days to bring Alan Rhodes to Christ.

Yes, sweetie?

Are we sure that it has to happen before the wedding?

Like, as long as it happens before he dies.

Oh, wow, that is such a slippery slope.

I mean, first you make allowances

for marrying a secular.

Next thing you know, you're getting gay married.

Suck it!

-Jared. -What?

I've dated women.

Oh, that was for woke points, Grace.

Okay, you know what?

They are halfway through lunch already.

We haven't even begun.

Full-blown atheists?

Mm-hmm.

Honestly, why don't we just rip off the Band-Aid

while everything's already messy

and just tell him we're staying in New York?

Longman and Scout have landed.

Here you go, Pastor Erwin.

Thank you, Shelly.

You know, it might be less concerning for him

if he knew we were actually more

on the same page than he thinks.

Does he know you don't go to church anymore?

No.

And if he found out, he would think you were

corrupting me.

You stopped going to church long before you met me.

I know that.

But it's all-- it's--

- Complicated. - It's complicated.

I understand.

For me, it's okay.

It's something that I've accepted as, I don't know,

part of the game,

but my dad grew up in a different time.

And then when we move in for the kill, you girls have

to take Sophie out of the picture,

so she can't protect him anymore.

Classic misogyny.

You got a better plan?

We could leave them alone.

Oh, Grace, you have to stand up for your beliefs if they are

going to mean anything, especially in a world that

is persecuting Christians left and right.

I mean, when Cassie Bernall had that gun to her--

- Ugh. - That was a hoax.

No.

When Cassie Bernall had a gun to her head

at Columbine, and that gunman said to her,

"Do you believe in God?" What did she say?

Dad.

Did she hide her faith under a bushel?

No!

Dad, we talked about not weaponizing tragedy.

No, no, it's not weaponized, because I'm just saying

what happened.

Nothing would have happened had those teachers been weaponized.

Oh.

I don't get it.

If somebody puts a gun to your head,

why wouldn't you just say whatever they wanna hear?

Okay, now you see, right here, that's exactly the type

of thinking that allowed Hitler to rise to power.

You have to stand for what you believe.

In North Korea, they put Christians

in labor camps.

That's where I would be if my parents had not escaped.

Now, you see, Mae gets it.

A-- a-- and she's coming from the front lines of the war.

Does this have to be about war?

What about the law of attraction?

Will it even count if you trick him into it?

Okay, Grace, no one is tricking anyone into

anything, okay?

It's just more like we're expediting. Yeah, and...

I mean, you know how all this stuff works.

I mean, you used to be a pro.

-No, no, I wasn't. -Pfft. Yes, you were.

Okay, look, if it makes you guys

feel better, he's probably already close

to believing in his heart.

I mean, most people are.

They're just so stubborn about saying it.

It's true.

He seemed really interested in my--

Jared's theology paper this morning.

See? Right there.

He's teetering on the edge.

What does that mean?

It means he needs a little bit of a push,

just got a little push to get him over.

It's kind of like premarital counseling.

Yeah.

It's gonna be just like old times, you guys.

This is gonna be fun, okay?

Okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Yay. - Okay, here we go.

Phase one, sugar.

- Heads up. - Oh.

Dad, we are already way behind schedule.

No, no, no. Look, this is important.

Um, we got off on the wrong foot, mea culpa,

so we just want to make it right and show you

what the Whitaker family is all about.

One quick game?

You don't know my family.

This is probably a trap.

It's just a game.

Yeah, exactly.

Come on. It'll be fun.

One game.

Play ball.

I mean, set aside your postmodern

navel-gazing just a second, and let's pretend there's

something called, "truth".

Can you see how the Bible speaks to our predicament?

I'm not saying that I think the Bible

is strictly untrue.

I'm just saying that I don't believe that it holds a monopoly

on truth.

How do you mean?

Take your Old Testament.

Those stories were based on existing mythologies

circulating in the Fertile Crescent for generations.

I mean, way further back than your Jewish roots.

Oho!

So, you guys ever find your missing link?

Oh, and what about uh, the Cambrian explosion?

Ever hear of that?

Yeah.

And?

And-- and squeeze.

And it's extremely complicated.

Yes, yes, it is complicated, but you know what isn't?

The Gospel.

Please.

-Oh. -Oh, yeah.

You know, you seem to know a lot about this

for a biology student.

I like podcasts.

Okay, so you're gonna trust a man

in front of a microphone in his mom's basement

over a text that has withstood the test of time for millennia.

I mean, you just give your allegiance

to anything that tickles your fancy?

No, I have principles.

Based in?

S-- science.

Oh, science. Yeah.

Hey, science got us to the moon.

Where has religion gotten us lately?

Western civilization.

I'm almost embarrassed to admit it,

but it felt really good to shoot those guns.

Like, I felt powerful.

Alan.

What?

Come on, we're getting along.

Isn't that what you wanted?

We're respecting each other's differences.

What do you want me to do? You want me to shut him down?

No.

I want you to tell him what he wants

to hear, or he'll never leave you alone.

I don't wanna lie to them, though.

Maybe there's a way to say it that isn't untrue.

I mean, if you don't believe any of it,

why does it matter what you say about it?

It matters because it's my word.

-It's your ego. -No.

Hey, this is about how we're gonna live

our lives together.

I don't sweep things under the rug.

It's just he's got his hooks in you, and he's going

to start looking for weaknesses.

Sophie, I know this is complicated for you.

I can take it, okay?

Hey, what's up, Leah?

Hey, um, do you mind if I--

Oh, not at all, it's your room.

Do what you gotta do.

Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

This is pantheism.

It's heretical.

No, it's not.

It's panentheism.

That's what I said, pantheism.

This is a theological fallacy.

Even if you get a D, that's better than not turning

anything in.

Not turning this in is a statement.

What's theologic phalluses?

Um...

Morning, sleepyheads.

Appreciate you giving up your room.

It was very kind of you.

Yeah, of course.

Listen, with the wedding and the-- the crusade

and everything, I know everyone's running around

like chickens with their heads cut off, but I'm still here

for you, kiddo, so if there's anything that you--

Mom, ugh, it's kind of early for a lecture.

Sorry.

How do pancakes sound?

Well, I see you got my gift.

Yeah.

Thank you.

It's uh, it's pointed.

Yeah.

So the whole thing's just going through--

H-E double hockey sticks.

-Wow. -Oh, yeah.

Dante.

Oh, it's just one of the greats.

"I am the way into the city of woe.

I am the way into eternal pain.

I am the way to go among the lost."

Wow.

-Come on. Let's get milk. -Oh, can't do it.

I promised, uh, Sophie I'd be on wedding duty today.

No, no, I told her all the girls are

going for the dress fitting, you can't see that, because

then that's bad luck, so come on.

It'll-- Be back in a jiffy.

Clark, come on.

You go with us.

Bye.

One family drinks so much pop.

It's unbelie--

Who's that?

Bruce.

He's the pastor at the mega church in Benton Harbor.

Fine day, ain't it?

Beautiful.

So do you guys got like, a rivalry or something?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's nothing like that.

It's more of a...

I don't know, differences in theology,

I suppose you could say.

Oh.

Whoa.

Okay. Are you all right? Clark?

-I'm fine. -Are you okay?

Oh, no, no, no.

Sir, I-- sir, I think we should exchange

insurance information.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, we're gonna need a tow.

-We are gonna need a tow. -I don't think we need a tow.

No, we're gonna need a tow.

I'm-- I don't think it's totaled--

We barely even touched him.

But we're gonna need-- You know what? I'm just gonna pull in

right here, and we'll wait right over there.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Alan, can I ask you something?

Sure.

Just now when we were in that terrible pileup,

what were you thinking about?

Did your life flash before your eyes?

'Cause, you know, had I hit those brakes

just a split second later--

Sure.

You know where you would've gone?

What went through your mind at that moment?

Uh, I guess just that I love Sophie very much.

Yeah, that's sweet.

Yeah.

And it's nice that your last thought wasn't hateful.

But Al, human love can't sustain you.

A person can't bear that weight, and it's not fair

to ask a human person to try to fill a hole that can only be

filled by God.

You know, Al--

I-- Can I share my testimony with you?

Your te-- uh, yeah.

-Sure. -Thank you.

I was lucky.

I grew up in a Christian home, but it never really made sense

to me, you know, like, in my heart,

until one day, I was sitting right here, I mean right here

in this church,

and I was looking at the light coming through that window.

And there are some things...

...there are some things that are just beyond words.

Goddammit, whose Bluetooth is on?

Oh, sorry.

I'm turning it off.

Like, how did we get here?

How did um, how did any of this get here?

I mean, I think we're still trying

to figure that out, right?

Physicists seem to think we came from a singularity.

Oh.

And...

Yeah.

The Big Bang.

-Yeah. -Okay, primordial soup.

You know, it's just a hop, skip, and a jump between Darwinism

and loading people into a gas chamber.

Mm.

Well, and look. Look, look, look, I can sympathize.

I'm a lapsed atheist myself.

I mean, didn't you say you were born into this?

See, I didn't choose to be born into a non-religious family

any more than you chose to be born into a Christian one.

Okay, so you're a Calvinist.

A-- a what?

Predestination.

Okay, so once upon a time, a Calvinist falls

down the stairs, gets up, brushes himself off, and says,

"Well, thank God that's over."

Thank God that's over.

Al, tell me, is there any room for free choice

in this philosophy of yours?

I don't know.

Yeah, I'd like to think there is.

Hmm.

Okay.

Yeah.

I can run with that.

I am so sorry I'm late.

What did I miss?

Oh my God.

Clark, you're a boy.

What are you doing here?

Uh, Sophie said that she n-- needed--

Champagne.

-Did you bring it? -Yep.

Thank God. Will you pour me a tall one?

Thank you.

Leah, are you gonna have champagne?

Really?

That's a first.

Are you sure you don't want to?

Drop it.

What has gotten into you two?

Grace, stop taking it out on her.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

Literally nothing.

Sophie, do you need any help with your dress?

No. Wait.

I wanna know why I'm supposed to be mad at you.

Because I made her maid of honor.

You made her what?

Oh, shit.

Oh my goodness.

Come, come, come, come.

You look so pretty, Aunt Sophie.

Oh my gosh, honey.

Grace, I'm so sorry.

I thought you knew.

Oh, honey, you are gorgeous.

This is perfect.

Congratulations, Leah.

Ready? You want it?

- No, no, no. - You want it?

You want it?

Come and get it.

-Motherf-- Fucker. -Ah! Ah!

-Asshole. -Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I thought Whitakers weren't supposed to swear.

Uh, no. It just has to be for a good reason.

Got it.

Oh, it's-- it's more of a smoke screen,

'cause if they're worried about the obvious surface stuff,

they tend not to notice other things.

Hmm. So you're saying I should just start swearing and smoking

in front of them?

Oh, no, honey, your cat's out of the bag.

They know your soul is damned.

You know, Clark, in New York, you could be...

I could be what?

Whatever you want.

Hmm.

I have my reason for staying for now.

-Oh. Oh. -Hmm.

Oh.

Do we get to meet this reason at the wedding?

-Yeah. -No pressure.

I'm just saying they're welcome.

Yeah, that'd be cool.

Yep.

Bruce.

Oh, no, no, Bruce.

Stop.

We can't do this here.

Okay, then come see me.

-Come visit me. -Oh.

I have a lot going on this week, but I will soon.

-Okay. -Okay?

-Okay. -Bye.

Patricia, God has a plan for us.

What the fuck?

Morning.

Oh my days, Sophie.

Fuck.

Got any big announcements?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, I really wanted to tell you.

I just like didn't wanna distract you from the wedding.

I'm already distracted.

How far along are you?

All right, let's see.

It would've been about...

You may think it controversial that a 58-year-old woman

is still a virgin, but you know what?

That's what faith looks like, trusting God's timing

in everything.

I know He's preparing the right person for me,

and when the day comes, he will walk in my door and say,

"Helen, I'm so glad you waited for me.

I waited for you, too."

That is what true romance looks like.

After that, it all happened kind of fast.

♪ Open up

♪ Let me in

♪ I'm giving every part of me to you ♪

Just kind of flipped.

I'm sorry.

I should have been more careful.

It's okay.

No one even told me what a condom was until I was

practically in college.

What's a condom?

I'm kidding.

I made a mistake, okay?

Okay.

Does Benji know?

No, not yet at least.

Do you need help with anything?

Yeah, just getting Grace off of my back.

I take it she wants you to do something about it?

Yeah.

She wants to take me to get it done

right after the wedding.

Is that what you want?

I don't know.

Do you think you're ready to be a mom?

I don't know.

Is anyone ever really ready?

Uh, yeah, I think people can be ready.

Really?

I mean, relatively speaking, yeah.

Do you think I'm ready?

Well, aren't you up early?

Just getting some sun.

Looked a little pale in my dress yesterday.

Careful you don't burn.

Hey, can I show you something?

I have no doubt you can beat him at his own game, but you have

to ask yourself, at what cost?

I mean, why are you showing me this?

Don't you want me to convert?

Yes, but the heart isn't won over by arguments.

You two are just butting heads, and somebody's gonna get hurt.

Can I have one of those?

One of what?

I've seen the way that Sophie looks at you,

and I see the way that you look at her,

and you already have everything.

You don't throw it away just to win a philosophy debate.

I'm not trying to win anything, just trying to be myself.

If you're lucky enough to have a family,

you'll see that it's not always as clear-cut as it seems.

Sometimes it's counterintuitive, and the only way to win is

to lose.

He just seems so lost.

- Hmm. - You know?

And I feel helpless to try to really connect with him.

Oh, wow, am I losing my mojo?

Did you give him the Dante?

I think he read the whole thing.

Incredible.

What was his reaction?

Well, he's a Calvinist.

A secular Calvinist?

Yeah, you know, determinism.

Why bother worrying about it if the outcome's already decided?

Well, you gotta give him Karl Barth.

Hmm?

What about the joke about the stairs?

Crickets.

Don't give up hope, Stewart.

You know Darwin himself converted to Christianity

on his deathbed.

Yeah, no, I know that, sure,

but he probably thinks it's a hoax.

What?

-Oh. -Yeah.

-Everything's a hoax these days. -Yeah.

I mean, so I suppose the Holocaust was a hoax.

Oh, oof.

Well, look, you can keep taking him

to your favorite places and sharing your favorite books,

but what matters to him?

Ah.

Ah.

Sophie, uh, your mother and I would like

to talk to you guys about something.

In our experience, one of the things that couples

disagree upon most is how to bring up children.

Now, w-- we-- we just wanted to make sure that you're

prepared for the differences inherent

in your perspectives.

Al, any thoughts on that?

Um, I don't wanna speak for Sophie, but based

on the discussions we've had, I-- I think we're

in agreement about the psychological harm that

could be done to kids through excessive shaming

and guilting tactics.

Sophie?

W-- well, yeah, I agree.

But that doesn't necessarily mean that I don't wanna

give them some kind of foundation.

Uh-huh.

- Wait, hold on, hold on. - Uh, sorry.

After all the work you've done to undo the weird baggage

the church has given you--

W-- w-- what weird baggage?

H-- honey, do you have weird baggage?

I'm not necessarily saying that I want them

to have the same experience, but I am glad that I was given

certain moral building blocks to work with.

Exactly.

-Yes. -Exactly.

I like morals, and our kids are gonna have lots of 'em.

But where do you base the authority of your morals?

Uh, because without God, you are stuck in relativism.

Look, man, this is hypothetical anyway.

It's if we even decide to have kids, okay?

Ooh.

Dad, I don't wanna talk about this right now.

Well, then when?

Sorry.

After you commit your lives to each other?

Honey, I'll look after her.

You wanna seal the deal tonight?

Yeah.

Trust me, it'll loosen him up.

Forgive me.

Another one of these?

Make him a White Russian.

What's a White Russian?

Don't worry, you'll like it.

It's got milk in it.

Alan, I think maybe we hit you too hard.

Are you feeling okay?

Oh my gosh, don't look at me like that.

Now I feel bad.

Look, I was just trying to help you understand that

marriage is a serious decision.

And if you're not on the same page about

what it is we're doing here, then I--

What are we doing here?

Exactly.

That is the big question, isn't it?

And the Bible has the answer.

Thank you.

Mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

Wow.

What does the Bible say about what to do if the truth is...

...hurtful?

It says the truth will set you free.

Whatever it is you're holding onto,

whatever sin you might have in your past,

it can be forgiven.

So just let it go.

Let the truth set you free.

I need some air.

Ugh.

Um, you know what?

Come to a service sometime.

We'd love to see you.

Okay.

Uh.

Oh, God bless.

Mm.

Hey, Sophie.

Ow! Jeez.

Alan?

- Ow. It's me. - What?

It's me.

I'm sorry.

Are you drunk?

I'm a little drunk.

I'm sorry. Hi.

Hi.

Oh, no. Okay.

I'm so sorry.

Your mom's having an affair.

Oh.

Oh?

Yeah, no, it's not-- it's not really an affair.

They have an arrangement of sorts.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

She's sort of dating this charismatic preacher guy.

She has a type, I know.

Oh my God.

What's the big deal?

We have lots of friends in open relationships.

Yeah, but they're not trying to get us to be

in perfect fucking Christian marriage, Sophie.

Keep your voice down.

Shh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

D-- d-- does anyone else know this?

Is it just...

I don't know. Probably some of them.

Leah still lives here.

She probably knows.

But you guys just don't talk about it.

It's just easier to--

Sweep it under the rug.

Yeah.

My parents are in a marriage that stopped

working a long time ago.

But they believe divorce is wrong, so--

- Goodnight. - They're just kind of

doing everything they can to make it all work.

My dad would lose his job if anyone found out,

so my mom keeps her dating pretty quiet, which I think

is kinda considerate of her.

But my dad is still in love.

Ooh.

Honk! Honk!

No, I-- I-- I sent it.

Professor Bauer called me about it this morning.

He did?

But why?

He wanted to talk about publishing it.

Publishing my paper?

I mean, your paper.

What did you say?

I said, no, of course.

I can't publish something I didn't write.

Hey, sport.

Hey, feeling good about tonight?

Uh, do you need any help rehearsing

for the rehearsal?

That reminds me, I need to go work on my vows.

Well, I'm around if you wanna shoot around any ideas.

Oh.

I got him on the ropes.

I just don't know where to go from here.

I have an idea.

You're not gonna like it.

Oh, I had a feeling.

He needs something emotional.

He-- he needs zap, a kick in the spiritual gonads.

Trish.

What you're doing is just so gentle, and kind,

and intellectual.

It-- it-- you're playing the game

by his rules, and he's kicking your butt.

Can we please just keep this in the family?

I don't trust Pentecostals.

Hm.

You asked for my help.

You wanna get him across the finish line or not?

Yeah, well, I asked for your help, not...

Not--

The glory of the Lord is ready to fill this earth.

Be healed in Jesus' name.

Healed.

Healed.

Healed.

Be healed in Jesus' name.

In Jesus' name.

Oh, yeah.

All right. All right.

I get the picture.

Well, I'm just saying, he has the spiritual horsepower

that you're looking for.

Now, when he prays over you, when he touches you, when--

Okay. No, no, I don't need the details.

My point is, if Bruce gets his hands on Alan,

literally lays his hands on Alan, Alan will see God.

-Will this be all right? -Yeah.

Yeah, this is perfect.

This is, this is w-- I just need a place just

to meditate just for a little while.

Whoa! Whoa.

Way cool. Hey.

Oh, this, this is cool.

Ah, yeah.

Mm.

Oh, yeah.

It's delicious.

I'll come back for you when we're ready.

Okay. All right.

I'll be here.

I'll be here.

Hey. Excuse me.

Could you uh, point us in the direction

of the wedding rehearsal?

Are you...

- Dad! Mom. Hi. - Hey, Alan. Hey.

You made it. You made it. You made it.

-Oh, yeah. Oh. -Oh, so good to see you.

-Oh. -Hi, Mom.

Oh, honey.

It's good--

The famous father.

Alan's spoken so highly of both of you.

Oh, well, you must be Stewart.

- I am. - I'm-- I'm Peter.

- Hi, Peter. - This is my wife, Jean.

-Hi. -How do you do?

Are you guys gonna be staying with us at the homestead?

Yeah. You know, we hadn't planned on it, but then might--

No.

Uh, not...

It's not a good idea. Uh.

Sorry.

-Night, night terrors. -Night terrors, night terrors?

Uh, sorry, dad. I-- I know it's personal.

I d-- really intense and um--

- Really intense night terrors. - Oh, I'm sorry.

It's probably better if they just stay in a hotel.

That keeps everybody up, so I-- you know, I--

I wouldn't wanna bother you.

No, but it wouldn't be-- Nonsense.

You could still, we'll figure it out.

You know, Pastor Stewart, do you--

do you think I can just,

uh, say hello to my parents before the rehearsal?

Of course. I'm so sorry.

Some alone time.

Listen, I'll see all of you guys in there in a couple of minutes.

-Okay, okay. -It was so nice to meet you.

Good to meet you, too.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

-Seems like a great guy.

-Yeah, he's, uh-- -What is going on, Alan?

-I have s-- -What is going on?

What is going on here?

I have s-- I have so much to tell you guys.

I know.

I will explain it later, I promise.

Uh, can we just--

We gotta go to the rehearsal.

I'm gonna get you guys in your seats.

-And we will talk about it. -All right.

If you are so pro-life, why don't you take care of one

of the kids that are already born?

Are you kidding me? I don't wanna talk to you

about this anymore.

Sophie, will you please tell Leah that

this is the biggest mistake of her life?

I am the one getting married here.

Isn't anyone gonna tell me I'm making a mistake?

Hey, Sophie, will you please tell Grace that

it's my choice and I will do what I want with

my goddamn life?

You're gonna do what you think you want, but that's the thing,

it's not actually you.

It's the fucking patriarchy speaking through

your indoctrinated brain.

I am not gonna let you have a baby before you even know how

babies are made.

Yeah, well, I seem to have proved you wrong there, Gracie.

This is a cycle of suffering.

It is a cycle of endless suffering,

and you're gonna be a mother to it.

Enough with your Dalai Lama bullshit.

Oh--

You are the same obnoxious evangelist

you've always been.

You just, what, switched sides?

Leah, she does have a point.

If I had had a baby with my youth group boyfriend,

I never would have gone to school in New York.

I never would have met Alan.

I never would have--

Oh my word, Leah!

Awesome.

Thanks, guys.

Leah, sweet Leah, your child is a gift from God.

This life is not a mistake.

This life is a miracle.

Right now, God is knitting him or her together in your belly.

Or they.

Yeah, can we just call it "it" for now?

It is a miracle.

Okay, cut it out.

You guys, this weekend is literally just about Sophie,

okay?

I'll figure this out later.

Leah, you must eat.

- Whatever. - I will make you, uh--

I'll see you at the dinner.

You're not coming to the rehearsal?

What?

You have your maid of honor.

What do you need me for?

Oh, dear Lord.

I'm trying my hardest.

Stu.

Oh, it's you.

How's your heart?

Oh, my heart's fine.

My heart's good.

Yeah. How about yours?

You're a terrible liar.

I miss our little talks.

Hey Stu. Oh, sorry.

Where's the bathroom? I-- a l-- lot of grape juice.

-Right up there. -Grape juice.

-Right up there. -Thank you.

He's the worst.

He's the worst.

What's going on, dad?

Why is that guy in your spot?

I know. Everything's okay.

Every-- but I need everyone to listen up, okay?

This is the next phase of the plan.

This is the Hail Mary.

So we are just gonna, you know...

We're gonna what?

You know, we're gonna roll the dice.

Dad, that's-- that's not rolling the dice.

-Yeah, of course it is. -No, dad, that's not--

-Rolling the dice. -No, dad, stop it.

Stop it.

That's not rolling the dice.

Oh. Oh, God.

Yeah.

I-- I've been doing that in my sermons.

The spirit, it's ready.

Okay, it's game time. We gotta get moving.

What the heck?

Pastor Whitaker, I do not believe this man has

any theological training.

Are you sure you w--

No, Mae, it'll all be okay.

I promise, kind of.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

Jared, you're gonna go find Al's parents, okay?

Benji, Leah, just go and play it like an altar call.

You've done that a hundred times, okay?

Now, in the famous words of our hero, Todd Beamer,

-"Let's roll." -No.

-Let's roll. -Yeah.

Let's roll, baby.

That's my hero.

Is there anything that I can do to help?

What can we do?

Rehearsal time.

Uh, could you just give us a few more minutes?

It's okay.

Let's just get this over with and we'll talk.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Wait, dad, what is he doing here?

Sophie, honey, it's all gonna work out

for the best, I think.

Am I missing something?

Who is this that cometh up out of the wilderness,

that leaneth upon her beloved?

I aroused you in the apple garden.

There thy mother brought thee forth.

There she brought thee forth, that bare thee.

For love is as strong as death.

The coals thereof are coals of fire which hath a most

vehement flame.

Repeat after me.

I, Alan Rhodes, take you, Sophie Whitaker.

I, Alan Rhodes, take you, Sophie Whitaker--

To be my wife...

To--

I-- I mean, actually, we're gonna be writing

our own vows, so we can skip over this part for now.

Yeah.

To be my wife.

Mom.

To be my wife.

To have and to hold...

Have and to hold...

From this day forward...

From this day forward...

For better or for worse.

For better or for worse.

For I am a sinner.

For I am a--

What the fuck, man?

Yeah, no, he said it.

He said it.

- What? Get off of me. - You're healed.

What is wrong with you?

You're healed of your blindness.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Healed of your blindness.

Get off of me.

I can't do this.

What--

Oh my God.

You were supposed to slay him, not her.

We have to get her to the hospital.

Oh, no, no, no, no, I don't think it's that bad.

But she's pregnant.

What?

Alan is a smoker.

Dude.

Pregnant?

She can't be pregnant.

No way, man.

It-- it doesn't count if you don't finish, right?

As long as we don't finish, we're still virgins.

Do you think that the all-powerful, all-knowing God

of all the universe is too stupid

to know that you're boinking my daughter,

because you pulled out?

Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh. Oh.

Oh God, I had premarital sex.

I had premarital sex.

- I have a boyfriend. - Be healed.

I'm addicted to porn.

You are slaying the wrong people.

Slay him.

I'm trying.

Come on, man, read the room.

Call an ambulance.

Oh, Lord.

Stu.

-Can you hear me? -Dad!

Excuse me, we need to see my husband.

He's in critical condition.

And can't have visitors right now.

Wait, wait.

Those two.

I w-- I wanna talk to those two.

We're here, dad.

Sophie, Alan, I saw it.

I-- I saw the other side, and I came back.

I, I don't know how long I have.

I had to-- I had to tell you.

What, daddy?

They showed me the book of life.

They showed me the names that were there, and Alan,

your name wasn't in it.

And I knew, I knew immediately what they

were showing me.

And I knew, I knew I had to come back because, because

my work wasn't done yet.

I have been sent back until my task is finished.

I am begging you not to let your pride get in the way

of your eternal salvation.

Alan, please.

I am hanging on by a thread here, but I have

to know you're safe before I can go.

What are the words?

Thank you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I don't know what I'm doing.

Here you go.

Thank you, and God bless.

There you go.

I-- I'd love to see you at service sometime.

Sophie, I know what I saw.

You don't believe me?

Hey.

What's going on? How we feeling?

I'm better, I think.

Unbelievable.

I take it back.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

When you're saved, you're saved, baby.

- No, no, no, no. - No, no, no.

The book of life is written in ink.

No take-backsies.

I only said it, because you tricked me into saying it.

You did. You--

Honey, you were there.

Did he mean it?

Dad, did you even have a heart attack?

I did.

Thankfully, very slight, and now they're telling me

I have to start drinking skim milk, sweetie--

So you lied?

No, I did not.

No.

I will admit I was a bit theatrical,

but nothing I said was untrue.

I...

I can't do this. I can't do this anymore.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying?

Maybe I should just get a room with my parents

at the hotel for a little bit, okay?

- You're welcome to come with me. - No, no, no.

Honey, it--

You only have one more night till you're married.

Don't stumble now.

We're adults.

We're not hurting anyone.

Just yourselves.

Uh-huh, mm.

Do you really wanna roll the dice on your soul?

I--

Sophie.

Sophie.

Sir, you can't smoke in here.

I'm making a point.

Please.

Mm.

Are you kidding me?

Shit.

How could you do this to us?

Uh, to-- to yourself.

Gosh, you are such a freaking hypocrite.

What? Th-- those--

Mom, enough.

We've known for a long-ass time.

Since when?

That? That-- that was nothing.

I was just going through a hard time.

And then there was the one you left in the car.

All right uh, fine.

I-- I might have been thinking about my options, but--

And the one in your Amazon cart right now.

Okay.

You're practically a grown-up.

Isn't it time you get your own Amazon account?

Oh, so now I'm a grown-up, but heaven forbid,

I do any grown-up things.

You can do all the grown-up things as long as you do them

in the right order.

Yeah, and you're one to talk.

Usually, people wrap up one marriage

before starting another one.

We did the right thing for you.

Don't.

Don't put that shit on us.

We're not kids anymore.

God fucking damn it!

Motherfucking son of a bitch!

Clark.

No swearing.

Hail greater--

- Stewart. - What?

Stewart, I think it's time.

Um, we know this new situation is a bit shocking to you.

Um, it's not ideal, but your mother and I are

in agreement, and no one is being deceived.

Except us.

I cannot believe you judged me when you're out there

screwing around.

It's not as scandalous as it seems.

Bruce and I are in a loving, monogamous relationship,

and your dad and I both agreed that we would

keep it secret, so he could keep his job.

Yeah, so for now, we have to ask you

to please keep this to yourselves.

We know it's not fair.

We know it's not perfect.

But neither are we.

Oh Sophie, sweetie, please.

It's okay.

We still care very much for each other.

Stewart, it's not about us.

Oh.

Oh, Sophie.

Oh, sweetie, I-- I'm sorry, but I did try to warn you.

The man has no moral center.

At least, we like Alan.

Look, it's not whether someone is likable.

You know who else was likable, they say?

Dad, if you compare my fiancé to Hitler, I swear to God.

No, no.

OJ.

Dad, you are not a martyr.

You are not being persecuted.

You're the one doing the persecuting.

That is not fair.

Everything I do every day is because I love all of you.

No, you don't.

You don't love us.

You have conditional affection for us, and that is not love.

People can't live like this.

I can't live like this.

Are you and mom gonna get divorced, too?

No.

No, of course not.

Why would you think that?

Because of mom's theologic phalluses.

Oh.

Mom and dad are okay.

Huh.

Sweet dreams.

With another pastor?

Guess she's got a type.

Oh my God.

Guys, what are we doing here?

I'm supposed to get married in nine hours from now.

Well, what's stopping you?

It's you who left, not her.

Yeah, but all this bullshit with her family, I don't--

No, no, pardon me for saying, but with all this talk about

integrity, didn't you just lie about me

having night terrors?

Look, I can understand you being

upset about Sophie, but she's trying

to hold two extremes together, and she's just doing her best.

I don't know, you know.

Maybe I should have given you more exposure to this sort

of thing when you were growing up, you know?

Okay.

Oh, hi, Mr. Rhodes.

Jean, let's give 'em a minute.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, no, no.

I should have told you everything.

I should have told you about my family.

I should have told you about my parents.

The reason you didn't meet them for two years

is because I didn't want you to meet them.

Slow down.

I wanted to be different, and I've just been sweeping

everything under the rug, which is such a fucking Whitaker thing

to do.

Sophie, Sophie, Sophie, it's okay.

I'm the one that's sorry.

No.

Yes.

My behavior the last few days has been...

It's just that your parents, man, they know how to get to me.

Yeah, tell me about it.

And your mother, I thought she was on my side.

I really-- I really did.

Yeah, she's a both sides person.

And of course, I want a family with you.

Of course, I do.

I-- I just needed to get your dad off my back.

And honestly, I'm a little worried that we'll--

I know.

I don't want a family like that either.

We okay?

Yeah.

I love you so much.

I love you, too.

You know, I took Alan downstairs yesterday

and showed him your little plan.

You what?

I was trying to help.

You Samson and Delilah-ed me.

I did lose my mojo is 'cause you snuck in

and chopped it off.

Stu, my point is, given the opportunity

to tell you what you wanted to hear, he wouldn't.

He's a terribly honest person.

They both are.

Well, he's prideful.

You have more in common than you think.

Trish, did I make you feel not good enough?

Stewart.

I swear I was just trying to love you.

If you love me, give me a divorce.

We both know it's what's better for both of us, and-- and--

and maybe the church elders will understand.

No, I can't.

Uh, I-- I-- it's wrong.

And I'm sorry.

Me too.

Hey, honey.

Uh, do you mind if we uh, if I speak to you alone

for a minute?

Yeah, I-- I do mind actually.

You can talk to both of us.

Okay.

That's fair.

Um, so look, I d-- I just, I just wanna tell you I'm sorry.

Marriage is hard enough.

You don't need me piling on.

But look, you are always going to be my little Sophie and--

and-- and it's-- it-- it's not a choice I'm making.

I promise you.

It's just-- it's the old software.

I know in reality you're grown up.

I know it.

You're gonna do what you wanna do.

And you certainly don't need my permission to get married.

Can't imagine you'd even want it at this point.

But I wondered if I could give you my blessing,

if you'd even have it.

Pastor Stewart.

Peter, can I get you some coffee?

No, no, no, no, I'm good, thanks.

Well then, what can I do for you?

Uh, after all the excitement last night--

Oh.

I didn't know what else you could possibly--

-No, I'm so sorry. Oh. -No, no, no, no. It's okay.

It's okay.

You know, to be honest, it got me, you know,

thinking about, you know, I-- I've always wondered

if I should've gotten Alan, you know, more involved

in his religious heritage, so, um, yeah.

-His religious heritage? -Yeah.

Um, so I got this.

Um.

You're Jewish.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm Jewish.

I'm not practicing, you know, but I-- I thought this might be

a nice nod to tradition.

It's called a uh, a "ketubah".

It's a like a Jewish wedding, uh, contract.

Yeah. No, no, no, I know exactly what it is.

Yeah.

Wow.

The seed of Abraham in my own daughter.

-It s-- it says that? -No, no, no, I'm sorry. No, no.

But Peter, this is beautiful.

-Oh, thanks. Thanks. -Oh my goodness.

Yeah. You know, usually it's uh, it's signed by

two Jewish witnesses.

Yeah.

But um, you know, I was wondering if uh,

you know, perhaps you would, you would do us the honor.

Would you-- would you?

-Thank you, Sophie. -Welcome, welcome.

Grace, you can be the maid of honor, okay?

I don't care.

No, it's not that.

I just, um...

I haven't been in a church in like, seven years, and I just,

um...

I feel very lucky to have someone like you

looking out for me.

Yeah, well, you're right.

Hey, me too.

You're both right.

It would mean a lot to me to have you there.

You don't have to sing.

You can stand in the back if you want.

No, no.

I'm gonna be up front with you.

Besides, Leah just said that I could be

maid of honor, so--

-No, I-- I take it back. -Oh.

Hey.

Hi.

Uh, Dad.

Hi.

Dad, this is Brian.

Hey, Brian.

I'm Pastor Stewart.

They call me, "P Stu".

Wow, this suit is sharp.

Is that one of those Brooks Brothers or something?

It's nice.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

So dad, I was doing some research after

our talk last night.

Oh?

Yeah.

Divorced men aren't usually allowed to remain pastors,

but there are a lot of remarried pastors.

Oh, like a Santa Clause 2 situation.

What's that?

Well, you know, you--

The one where he has to get remarried by Christmas

or can't be Santa Claus anymore.

Yeah, whatever.

Uh, listen, Jared, uh, I just think it's a little late

in the game for me.

I just don't know if I have it in me.

But listen, I appreciate you looking into it for me.

I can see you becoming a very compassionate minister.

It was Mae's idea.

-Mae? -Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah. She um, she's really good at that sort of thing.

I actually wanted to ask you what you'd think

about the idea of um, of me, well, of us.

Of what?

What if I don't finish seminary?

Oh.

How you holding up, big guy?

Oh, boy.

They're all slipping through my fingers, Helen.

They're growing up.

That's supposed to happen.

Hm, but not like this.

A father has a responsibility to set them on a good path,

to raise up a child in the way he should go.

I blew it.

Oh boy, I blew it, and I seem to have blown it

with all of 'em in one way or another.

And you know, I have been trying to be more accepting,

but there are just some things--

It's a long road, Stu.

And I have my limits.

In the Prodigal Son story, when the kid wants to leave,

what does the father do?

Does he grab the kid by the ankles and beg him to stay?

No.

Does he beat himself over the head and blame himself

for failing?

No.

What does he do?

Hmm.

He lets him go.

Who gives this woman to be married?

That's me.

Well, uh, her mother and I do.

So normally, when I begin, um, you know,

a ceremony like this, I like to begin with the Lord's Supper.

Um, but because of your personal preferences,

I think we can be forgiven for making a slight modification

to the traditional ceremony.

Excuse me.

Why didn't you tell me?

I love the Old Testament.

It's like my second favorite testament.

Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Mazel tov.

Oh, that dance floor is killing me.

Mm.

One more, garcon.

Dad, um, Brian and I have something to tell you.

Oh, it's not necessary, Clark.

-No, it's-- -I-- I-- I get the picture.

Can you just hear him out, please?

Sure.

Pastor Whitaker, I just thought I should warn you

about a man named Bruce Gustafson, who's been--

Well, he's kinda been hanging around.

Yeah, yeah.

You know him?

He um, used to be my pastor.

Your pastor?

Oh, so you went to Living Waters.

I still do.

Look, I-- I-- I don't understand.

He was fired a few months ago.

What?

Why?

Well, how do I-- how do I put this delicately?

Um, well, he-- he's kinda sort of an--

Asshole.

Nobody cheats on my wife.

Ow.

Whoa.

Hey, get off of my dad.

Son, that's enough. Come on.

All right. What is going on here?

You were getting cucked by a false prophet.

I'm so sorry.

I had no idea he--

The bridesmaid?

Really?

Baby, she didn't know the Lord.

All right, enough.

Boys, get him out of here.

You all right, Stu?

I'm good, Erwin.

I'm good.

Well, I got cucked, and you got cucked.

And with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Don't talk. Just let me-- let me clean you up.

No, no, no. No, no, sweetie. Baby, baby, baby.

I think it's time to call it quits.

-Benji, where are we going? -Right here--

Stop. We're gonna miss the big exit.

Is where, is where it all started.

Oh, that's thoughtful and kind of weird.

Oh my God.

I know we got some stuff to figure out.

But, you know, maybe this is a sign.

-Benji. -Leah, I love you.

Benji, you don't have to say that just 'cause I'm pregnant.

I-- I'm not.

I-- I-- I got this the day after

we accidentally had premarital sex

for the first time.

I've just been working up the courage.

So...

Leah Whitaker,

will you marry me?

No.

What?

I-- I don't understand.

This is-- this is how we make it right.

Are you-- are-- are you not thinking about that right now?

Wait, you're-- you're not thinking about actually--

I am. I'm gonna keep the baby.

And-- and I want you to be a part of its life.

If you want--

Either we're a family or we're not.

Do you wanna be a family?

I called a meeting with the board of elders.

Tried everything I could.

I'm sorry.

Leading this flock with you has been one

of the great honors of my life.

And who am I to get upset that the chapter

is coming to an end?

Mm-mm. I'm just going to quietly give my final sermon

and then I'm going to go home and pull a Noah.

What? Build an ark?

No, no, no. After the ark.

Oh, yeah.

Drink too much and get butt naked.

Bingo.

Yeah.

Did you at least get things together with Alan?

Get 'em straightened out?

I succeeded in doing some damage control.

That's about it.

Hmm.

Well, you know, don't give up hope, Stu.

I mean, even Darwin converted on his deathbed, you know?

What if that was a hoax?

[robot vacuum cleaner whirring}

St. Thomas Aquinas understood love to be an act

of the will.

He called it a binding force, a movement

of the will simultaneously toward good that one wills

and the person for whom one wills it.

We are...

Um.

You know, the Bible says that God loves us

like a father loves his children.

And speaking as a parent myself, I can tell you what that's like.

And I can tell you that He wants to give you everything.

But if He made your lives perfect,

He would be taking away your humanity.

And then...

We would just be like Roombas vacuuming up

God's carpet.

So what is it that makes us different than a Roomba?