Original subtitles

(Dog Barking)

(Sneezes)

(Bell Rings)

(Children's Voices)

Matilda.

Matilda!

Where's your sister?

Where is your sister?

Ruth.

Ruth!

Matilda, would you go get your sister over there, please,

before she gets pregnant?

Ruth!

I want to take the bus.

What were you doing in assembly today?

Olivia Holland said everybody was laughing at you.

MOTHER: Why were they laughing?

I don't know.

She was standing there like a human dummy or something,

and Herbie Fox kept sticking stomachs

and livers and intestines and things all over her body.

Why was he sticking things on your body? Matilda?

He was demonstrating something.

Demonstrating what?

The human digestive system.

MATILDA: It's his project for the science fair.

Well, Olivia said you looked absolutely idiotic,

and everybody laughed at you.

I don't like the idea of people laughing at you, Matilda,

because when they laugh at you,

that means they laugh at me... and your sister.

I don't want you standing up on the stage

being Herbie Fox's digestive system.

Besides, Herbie Fox only has one testicle.

Chris Burns told me so.

- He sees him in the shower. - Oh.

You'll soon come to learn, Ruth,

that most men have one testicle.

I'm not exactly happy about your standing around

discussing testicles

with this Chris Burns person either.

You brush your hair any faster, Ruth,

we're all gonna get electrocuted.

I don't want it to snarl, do I?

I don't know why you don't do something

constructive with your hands once in a while

instead of using that brush all the time.

You know, you could've knitted an entire sock

at the rate you're going.

Knitted sock... yecch!

Get a cart, Matilda.

You think I didn't knit socks when I was your age?

I knitted my boyfriend a beautiful pair of argyles.

Did you really?

Uh, get six Campbell's turkey soups, Ruth.

Did I really what?

Yeah, there're some things you never forget, Ruth.

Just little moments you never forget.

In your whole life, you never forget certain moments.

What was your boyfriend's name?

What was my boyfriend's name?

My boyfriend's name was Jimmy Ravelli.

Goddamn unions.

He was a very serious boy, Ravelli,

although a very sought-after boy.

Don't ever pick a man because he's funny.

They never leave you laughing.

I happen to know via your very funny father, ho-ho.

RUTH: Chris Burns is serious.

His father's in the American Legion.

RUTH (laughs) Oh, my God,

look at me in this wig!

I loved Jimmy Ravelli...

as much as Marion Coley did,

but he didn't pay any attention to Marion Coley.

(laughs) She had a funny chin.

Although there was some talk they were going steady.

RUTH: What happened to him?

Nothing happened.

Son of a bitch went into the army and died!

What do you mean?

I mean it was the goddamn Korean war, Ruth,

whatever the hell that was about.

That's the end of the story?

Of course that was the end of the story.

When people die, it's the end of the story.

I don't know why you bought this wig.

But there comes a time in everybody's life

when a little voice comes and says,

“Buy a .”

Oh, great. Look at the pigsty.

I put an ad in the paper, and I advertise a pigsty.

You know, I only knew your father

because I danced the mambo with him

once in the gym,

and I made him laugh.

We just came together.

Like magnets?

- Maggots? - I said “magnets.”

I thought you said maggots.

Did you ever love daddy?

Well, I married him, didn't I?

But he let me down, Ruth.

He let us all down.

I have no respect for a man who walks out on his family

and dies in a Holiday Inn.

Your father was promises.

Nothing but promises and the US Army insurance.

He lived in my father's house.

It was the best he could manage.

My father was the only man I could ever count on

in my whole life.

The only man!

Matilda?

(Sighs) Matilda, that goddamn rabbit

is gonna drive me straight up the wall.

This house is just filled with rabbit crap!

I swear, tomorrow you stay home and clean it up.

As a matter of fact, this entire junk heap

gets a thorough cleaning tomorrow.

I can't.

What?

Mr. Goodman said he was gonna do an experiment tomorrow.

Oh, well... you tell Mr. Goodman

that House Beautiful is arriving tomorrow

with her photographers.

So he can do his experimenting after dark... as usual, ho ho ho.

I can't-- I can't miss again, Mama.

If you wait another minute, Matilda, this house is gonna ferment.

I found rabbit dung in my bedroom.

I don't know why Mr. Goodman ever gave you that rabbit anyway.

Any science teacher worth his salt would have chloroformed the thing

and cut it open and let you see what made it hop or pee or whatever.

That's very strange over there.

RUTH: Where's the Prell? Didn't you get Prell?

They don't like us being away from school so much.

Miss McGardis has been sitting at her window for three days.

RUTH: Mother, where's the Prell?

Didn't you get Prell?

She hasn't even changed her position.

Ruth, come here and look.

RUTH: Hmm.

Well, she's just sitting there, isn't she?

I think she's been sitting there for three days like that.

We don't have to see if she's all right, do we?

Not if she's been dead for three days.

We have teams of men who take care of people

who've been dead for three days.

But where they get those men, I'll never know.

Hey, Tilly, come look at Miss McGardis.

Why?

Why? She's been dead for three days, that's why.

How do you know?

How many bones did you say we have in our body, Matilda?

206.

I feel it in my bones. All 206.

Hmm... she moved.

(Dog Barking)

(Dog Barking)

(Barking Continues)

(Truck Departs)

(Knock On Door)

MATILDA: Mama?

Morning, Mama.

I dreamed I was a fox, Matilda.

Now, why would I dream I was a fox?

I'll clean the house when I come home, all right?

Did Ruth have a bad night?

No.

I want you home early, okay?

(Door Creaks)

MOTHER: I want you home early, Ruth, you understand?

All right.

Did you have a bad night?

I said all right!

Don't get fresh with me.

I said did you have a bad night?

No.

The dance certificate is free.

You just have to answer a couple of very simple questions

on American history and--

Uh, Mr. Leonard Holby?

Well, Mr. Leonard Holby, you're a very lucky man

because your name has been selected

from the lucky hat

at the Bockner and Spangler Studio of the Dance,

and you have won a certificate for the--

Well, screw you, too, Leonard.

(Banging)

What say, Charlie?

Hey, Beatrice.

You're home for lunch early, huh?

Yeah, a little early, I guess.

Same old story, huh?

Well, work being what it is, what are you gonna do?

Yeah.

Want a cup of coffee?

No, thanks, Beatrice.

Hey, hold on a minute, Charlie.

There's something I want to show you.

What do you think?

(Laughing)

It's the new me.

Not bad, huh, Chas?

You want to try it on?

(Laughing)

Here. Put it on.

Come on, put it on.

(Chuckles)

I don't want to put on a wig.

Put it on once.

Who's gonna see? Put on the wig.

(Laughs) Beatrice, I don't want to put on the wig.

Want a sandwich? Come on, I'll fix you a sandwich.

Not right now, Beatrice.

I'll see you around.

Homo.

(Drum Cadence)

Oh, please, with the drum, Sandy.

Thank you.

(Continues Drumming)

Sandy, please.

Now, girls,

you see how I hold my feet. You see?

You just move free and easy,

keeping your neck long and straight,

and with personal presence

at all times presenting yourself.

All right, Edward, let's hear the piece,

and let's try the tempo.

And 1, 2, 3, and...

(Music Begins)

Bum, bum, bu, bu, bum! And... (Continues Humming Along)

(Humming Along) Da da da da da!

TEACHER: And so the air in man's lungs

at any given moment

contains 10 skillion atoms,

and sooner or later we're all gonna breathe an atom

of someone who's lived before us.

Perhaps, uh, Abraham Lincoln's atom

or Plato's atom.

Why, right now we may be breathing in

the atoms of Moses himself.

(Class Laughs)

Take a look at your hand, Janice.

Everybody take a look at their hand.

Now, maybe--

Maybe a part of Janice's hand...

came from a star that exploded

too long ago to imagine.

Maybe your hand, Janice, was--

(footsteps approaching)

Would somebody close the door?

Maybe your hand was formed

from a tongue of fire that exploded,

and... and whirled until there was our sun.

And maybe this tiny part of you,

this tiny, tiny part of you

was on the sun when it exploded

and whirled in a great storm

until the planets came to be.

And perhaps when there was life,

this part of Rudolph Hemler

got lost in a fern that was, uh... what?

Anybody-

Matilda?

It could've been crushed and covered up

until it was coal.

And millions of years later?

It was a diamond.

Yes, a diamond.

Oh, it must have been a diamond as magnificent as the star

from which it first came.

MATILDA: And when you think about it, this thing,

this part of me is so small

it just can't be seen.

Can't be seen, huh?

It's been here since the beginning of the world,

and it still is.

Is that so?

And when he wrote the word “atom” on the blackboard,

I don't know, I just... can't explain it.

Well, it's not such a big deal word.

Who hasn't heard the word “atom”?

I don't know.

I just love the word, that's all.

That's very nice.

Now, why don't you fall in love with the word “sink”?

Well, I have to call Celia Kane.

Don't hang on the phone, Ruth.

I'm waiting for some calls about the room, all right?

Oh, Matilda!

That school is 40 years behind the times anyway.

(Sighs) Now, why can't I get channel 6?

Everybody else gets channel 6.

Well, for a teacher...

I think he's very poetic.

Who?

Mr. Goodman.

Can he get channel 6?

Ruth, I want you off that phone!

RUTH: She's busy. I am off.

Yeah, he's poetic, all right.

I've never seen a more effeminate look on a man.

You don't even know him.

Know who?

Why, didn't I see him by the lobster tank

in the market that day?

And I saw the way he picked out tomatoes.

The man is a faggot.

RUTH: Who, Mr. Goodman?

If you saw him with Miss Hanley you wouldn't say he was a faggot.

Miss Hanley. I can assure you

Miss Hanley has her problems too.

I went to school with Edith Hanley.

Doesn't surprise me in the least anything

Edith Hanley does with Mr. Goodman.

As if I couldn't imagine. Ho ho ho.

What'd you see 'em do?

She didn't see 'em do anything.

Just the way they walk around together.

He sort of rubs against her and things.

Everybody knows it.

Rubs against her, huh?

Mm. I think they do it together.

You don't know.

Well, it's a perfect match--

Edith Hanley and a Hebrew hermaphrodite.

(Laughs)

Well, good luck with the world, Matilda.

I just didn't think it was very funny.

It was very funny.

I have always been very funny!

(Sighs)

Matilda!

Matilda.

There is rabbit crap on the sink!

Now, I'm trying to rent a room.

How can I rent a room in a house that's filled

with rabbit crap?

Don't you understand?

I just want to pull us all together.

Do you understand?

I understand, Mama.

RUTH (Screaming)

Aah!

BEATRICE: Honey?

- MATILDA: Ruth! - Ruth?

No! He's-- He's after me!

Ruth!

No, no, no. Nobody's after you.

Ruth, nobody is after you! You're having a dream.

Go get me a blanket. She's cold.

- Come on. Come on. -(Cryi"9)

No, no, nobody-- It's all right.

It's all right. Look, sit down.

Sit down. Sit down. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

- Okay. Okay. - Dreaming?

I know, I know, but nobody's after you.

Where's the blanket, Matilda?

It's all right. Nobody's after you now.

IFS okay. Shh. Shh. It's all right.

It's okay. There. That's better, isn't it?

There. All right. All right. Okay.

RUTH (sobbing): I-- I-- I had a dream.

BEATRICE (Softly): Yes, I know. Well, we all have dreams,

then we wake up and it's nice and cozy. It's okay.

Matilda, get me a cigarette.

(gasps)

It's all right now. It's over with, it's over with.

There's nobody there. There's nobody there.

Nobody there.

MATILDA: Is she gonna be all right?

Of course she's gonna be all right. Don't be so pessimistic.

Here, I'll give you a drag on the cigarette.

How about that? Hmm?

A drag on a nasty old cigarette.

Here you go. Mm.

There. Okay?

There. Now, that's better.

Okay. You wanna hear about my dream?

Hmm? 'Cause I had a nice dream.

I dreamed that I was--

I was with my father...

and I was-- I was on the wagon with him, you know?

Selling vegetables.

But the wagon wasn't being pulled by those horses,

those tired old horses he had.

They were being pulled by white circus horses.

Big white circus horses.

Beautiful ones. They had long manes,

and they had-- They had tinsel all hanging down from 'em,

and the wagon, the wagon was all blue.

It was all blue, and it was all filled with vegetables.

It had yellow apples, and it had grapes

and green squash.

And it had these big bells.

Big bells hanging on it.

The bells were going dong,dong,dong,dong.

And I was standing up there, and I was yelling.

I was yelling, “Apples... pears...

cucum... bers!

Can you say that?

(Low Voice) Apples, pears--

Aw, come on.

(Both) Apples... pears...

cucum... bers!

That's good.

Apples... pears...

cucum... bers!

Apples... pears...

cucum... bers!

BEATRICE: Apples... pears...

cucum . . . hers.

(Siren Wailing)

(Sighs)

(Static)

(Static)

MAN (on television): Thank you very much for calling.

Well, it's the old night crawler at 3:17

in the wee wee hours of the morning,

waiting for you to dial me at 272-3150.

272-3150. I'll take a call now.

Hello? Hello?

What's on your mind?

MALE CALLER: Hello? Hello?

Can you hear me?

MALE CALLER: Well, uh, well, I was thinking about, uh...

that guy that you talked to about, uh--

the call back on public transportation.

I've been a bus driver for 37 years.

And I tel! you, boy, it's the passengers,

they get nasty to bus drivers...

I'd like to talk about the federal budget, please.

(Train Approaching)

(Bell Ringing)

Oh, for Christ's sake.

What?

I told her not to come until tonight. We're not even cleaned up.

She's so old.

WOMAN: I try to keep her near me as often as possible--

BEATRICE: Can she handle the stairs?

Oh, well, I...

Girls, go get Mr. Mayo's ramp. Go ahead.

You see, Mrs. Hunsdorfer, there are problems.

Oh, naturally, I don't want her too far

out of the city, although giving her a bit

of air now and then would certainly cheer her up.

You said something on the phone about seeing

that she gets fresh air.

Oh, yeah. We'll make sure she gets fresh air.

We're nature lovers around here.

Get over there.

Ready?

I try to do what I can, but, then again, of course,

it's important to be with her.

And, after all, I don't like to be unfair.

I do go to business, and, well, someone has to watch her.

But I'll tell you this, you'll like her.

Oh, you'll find she's very little trouble.

I've written everything down.

What she likes most is hot water and honey.

Hot water and honey.

Well, we got plenty of that, right, Ruth?

Hey, Matilda? Here.

Let's help the little lady up.

Matilda, would you get the door, please?

Watch that step. That's it.

UP We go.

There. Matilda, would you go

and open up the curtains in the lady's room, please?

Here you go, sweetheart. Here's your own little room.

- What's your name, huh? - Annie.

Annie? Nanny Annie, huh?

-(Door Closes) - There you go.

Sit down.

Now, you comfy, hmm? You all right?

Oh. Cozy.

Well, you got here a little early.

Uh, we're not exactly what you call in shape.

Oh, I'd have come later,

but I have a very important business engagement.

Her main concern is drafts.

İf she gets a cold, she won't blow her nose.

(Chuckles)

Well, we'll take care of that, won't we, Matilda?

We'll blow Nanny Annie's nose for her, hmm?

Hey, Ruth?

We're all gonna blow Nanny Annie's nose for her.

(Door Slams)

She doesn't hear too well.

I bet she gets the gist of it, though, hmm?

She gets the gist.

Yeah, she's gonna be a barrel of fun.

The bathroom.

Oh, it's down the hall to the left.

She use this thing pretty well?

Oh, yes, she's very good with it.

Actually, she's very bright.

Uh, as I say, she's generally very good in most respects.

The wheelchair's just for emergencies and, uh...

well, I'm a little concerned

about the distance to the bathroom.

Well, they've all made it until now.

Mr. Mayo and Miss Marion Minto

and Mr. Brougham.

What's Mr. Brougham's first name, huh?

- Alexander. - Alexander. Yeah.

Well, Alexander made it, and he had a tumor on the brain.

Yeah, Nanny's some little girl, isn't she, hmm?

Gonna have some hotsy water and honey, huh, Nanny, hmm?

Your advertisement didn't mention religion,

but, uh, I have her little Bible here.

She-- She likes to keep it under her pillow.

I think I've written out everything you'll need to know.

You'll find the check for the first week in there.

Well, we'll just put on

some nice Sunday morning church music

on the radio for Nanny, hmm?

Would you like some Sunday morning church music, Nanny?

Hey, how about The Guiding Light?

Would you like The Guiding Light, hmm?

(Children Chattering Outside)

Well...

Good-bye, Mother.

Her complexion's better today than it's been.

Yeah, I bet it gets just better and better.

(Door Closes)

(R & B Playing)

Anybody knowing the whereabouts of Beatrice Hunsdorfer, please notify.

What?

Just look at these pages. Filled with lives, Matilda.

Would you scratch my back please?

All is forgotten. William.

My ass, it's forgotten.

Yeah. Right there.

Robin, Esther, Jane, and Earl,

please call your Uncle Don.

Uncle Don. Ho ho.

Mmm.

Four-family house.

6 1/2 and 6 1/2 over 5 and 5.

Eight garages?'

Now, I could do something with that.

Some kind of little restaurant.

Some good home cooking.

(Sighs)

You know, you have to understand, Matilda,

that there are opportunities in this life.

I could kick myself for not finishing that real estate course.

I should have finished beauty school too.

You know, beauty school wouldn't be a bad idea for you.

What kind of plants you got there anyway?

Marigolds.

Marigolds. Hmm.

They're man in the moon marigolds.

Must be some hell of a marigold.

They've been exposed to cobalt-60.

That's what I've always wanted

was a house planted with marigolds

that have been exposed to cobalt-60.

While you're at it, why don't you throw a tomato patch in the bathroom?

(Feet Shuffling)

(Door Closes)

What's cobalt-60?

It's something that makes seeds change.

Mr. Goodman, he set up the cloud chamber,

and he told me--

And he told me about radioactivity and half-life.

And I found out where to get some seeds.

What's half-life?

Well, it's hard to explain.

It has to do with... disintegration...

because it's possible to figure out the probability per second

for a nucleus to decay.

Forget it, Matilda. You're giving me a headache.

Oh, what I could do with eight garages.

(Sipping Loudly)

if anybody had ever told me when I was young

I'd end up feeding honey to a zombie,

I'd have told them they were crazy.

I'd be better off driving a cab.

The only competition you have to worry about

is Janice Vickery.

Chris Burns knows her brother,

and her brother said that Janet caught a cat

near Chestnut Street, and it was still alive

when she took the skin off it.

He said it screamed for three minutes when she put it in the water

because the water wasn't even boiling yet.

(Scoffs)

How much talent does it take to boil the skin off a cat

and then stick the bones together again?

I mean, that's what I want to know.

Hey, Nanny?

How's your fortune?

Think I'll lay your fortune on ya.

Want to hear your fortune?

BEATRICE: Here's lookin' at you, Nan.

Do you think I'll look like mother?

What?

Ooh.

Hey, you see how those cards come together?

How the points of the cards hit each other?

Good news.

Prosperity and a big surprise right around the corner.

Mmm. You look good here, Nan.

Jewels.

Absolutely bejeweled.

You got a new hairdo.

Looks good.

You see the stars?

You see how the cards come together like that?

Yeah.

That is a tall, dark, handsome stranger, Nanny.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Looks good.

Prosperity and a big surprise.

Looks good, kid.

BEATRICE: Looks good.

I hate that old woman down there.

She's gonna die here just like Mr. Mayo did.

I hate them.

Mr. Mayo and Mr. Brougham

and Miss Minto and her rotten cancer.

All their disgusting bodies.

Why do they have to come here?

I hate them. They make me... sick.

Hate them.

Hate... them.

(Gasping)

Mama! Mama!

She's taking one! She's gonna take one!

RUTH: (Gurgling)

I'm coming! I'm coming!

I'm coming!

I'm coming.

RUTH: (Gasping)

Help me get her away from the bed before she hurts herself.

Quick. Pull her away, Matilda.

- Get a pillow. -(Gasping)

Get her-- Watch it. Get her a pillow quick!

Keep her away. Keep--

(Gasping)

(Choking)

(Gasping)

RUTH: (Gurgling)

(Panting)

And see, what he does

is he has this glass chamber,

and then he puts this piece of metal

inside the glass chamber.

And then this smoke...

it rises out of the metal.

And it looks like water sprays

from a pink fountain.

And it doesn't seem real 'cause what's happening

is that atoms are exploding.

And no one can stop them.

And it'll just go on for millions of years.

(R & B Music Playing)

Ruth, if you don't stop doing that, you're gonna turn into butter.

Well, when I went to that lousy school,

I was the life of the party.

I made a great cheesecake too.

Isn't that funny?

One day you can be the best dancer

in the whole school,

make a great cheesecake...

the next day you're history.

Know what it's like to be history, Matilda?

♪ Hello, Central a'

♪ Give me a line I'

♪ >a' I want to talk to Jesus a'

Hey, Nanny?

You want to talk to Jesus?

BEATRICE: I used to wonder why people always said,

“Why, just yesterday.”

“Start a new life. Meet new people.

S.S. Luxury apartment houses.”

Hmm.

“Sauna baths and electric kitchen.”

That's all I need is a sauna bath and an electric kitchen.

I'm sick of kitchens.

My whole life is dirty dishes.

There's not one clean dish.

It's better that I eat off the floor.

(Students Laughing)

Oh, maybe--

Maybe I'll go into business for myself. Yeah.

Go to beauty school.

Here's one.

“Be a model.

“All ages invited.

Posture perfect model school.”

What's the matter with my posture?

I already have perfect posture.

Here's one.

“Patsy Anne, please come home.

All is forgiven about you burning down the house.”

All is forgiven, huh?

Animals!

Oh... what the hell am I doing,

living in a zoo, huh?

Am I living in a zoo?

So, what kind of a skit did you do with it?

(Sniffs) Just a skit.

Well, what does that mean, “just a skit”?

I was supposed to be a woman at home,

and I wanted it to look real.

That was the project, anyway, to look real.

Real, hmm?

So I took your robe.

And I'm wandering around the house

looking for my robe, and there's no robe.

I think maybe the robber has come in and taken my robe.

Wonderful mess of stuff we got around here,

the best he could find is my robe.

I mean, have I got a dozen robes?

Have I got a dozen robes, Ruth?

(Door Opens)

Real, huh? What was the skit?

It was just a little thing. It wasn't anything.

What was the skit?

I was... I was reading the newspaper.

That was funny?

I didn't say it was funny.

Oh, they cried when you read the newspaper, hmm?

No.

They laughed a little, but...

And it was supposed to be me.

It was supposed to be real.

What did you read in the newspaper?

The-- The ads.

Okay-

Well, do it for me. I want to hear how I sound.

It wasn't supposed to sound like you.

Did you have a cup of coffee in your hand?

Well, did you?

Yes.

Were you smoking a cigarette?

Yes.

And you wearing my robe and my wig

and you were reading the ads in the newspaper

and your name happens to be Ruth Hunsdorfer,

but you weren't supposed to sound like me?

Well, who were you supposed to sound like, Margaret Truman?

I don't know what you're getting so upset about.

I'm getting upset because I want you to understand one thing.

When I read the ads, I don't do it to be funny.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Do you?

I understand.

(Door Closes)

“Twenty-two acres in Princess Bay.

Small pond. $6,000.”

That's cheap.

If I could just get my hands on some money.

(Plane Flying Overhead)

“Sandwich shop. Money-maker.

$5,000 handles. Ask for Stan.”

“Ask for Stan.”

What's that mean, “handles”?

No, what I've been thinking about is opening a little tea shop.

You know, like a nice, little neighborhood place.

We could get a good cheesecake.

What's that mean, “handles”?

$5,000 handles it, Ruth.

It means if I could just get my hands on $5,000,

I could get something going for us.

Maybe get us back on the map.

BEATRICE: I think I found if.

It's a great little place on Fitzroy Avenue,

and with some Swiss curtains, it could be sensational.

We'll have to think of a good name for it though.

Anybody think of a good name, they'll be rewarded.

Did you buy it?

Buy it? It's a lease.

You gotta take it on a lease.

What do you mean, buy it? What do you think I am?

I mean, what we need... We need a couple of things.

We need a little ingenious thinking

and a great cheesecake.

MATILDA: We made a cheesecake last year in cooking class.

I could get that cheesecake.

We're not feeding rats, Matilda.

We're feeding people. I'll take care of the cuisine.

Could I be a waitress?

You bet your sweet ass you'll be a waitress.

You'll both be waitresses.

Hey, Nanny?

How would you like to be the cashier?

Hmm?

BEATRICE: We just have to think of a catchy name for it, you know?

“The Man-in-the-Moon Tea Shop.”

Hey, places like that catch on, you know?

Don't think they don't.

“The Man-in-the-Moon Tea Shop.”

I mean, if some son of a bitch can do it with fried chicken...

BEATRICE: why can't I do it with cheesecake and tea?

Survival depends on

a variety of factors, Mrs. Hunsdorfer.

There are 9 major reasons

pinpointed by Dunn and Bradstreet

as to why new businesses fail,

why half the number of new businesses

never make the third year.

Only 29% survive 3 1/2 years.

Nine reasons.

Hmm.

I can't believe you left me a five and a trump.

(Doorbell Rings)

Caroline, I stopped at a filling station

and called his office and they said he was home.

He... has the flu.

I'm trying to keep things together, Floyd.

Beatrice... I have a bad cold.

I have the flu or something.

I don't want you to catch the flu.

Listen, I've been told about all the pitfalls.

I learned from an authority there are nine different reasons,

and I've got 'em all in my head from Dunn and Bradstreet.

Beatrice, I don't owe you anything.

Aw! And you made such a lovely speech at my wedding, Floyd.

Something about “We'll all stick together through thick and thin.”

Well, it's thin, Floyd.

I took my mother to the cemetery last week.

She always goes

and she always waits for you to call

and take her to the cemetery.

After all, he was your husband.

He? He?

You mean your brother George?

Is that all you can call him is “he?”

I'm surprised you don't call him “it.”

Jesus Christ, everybody detested that son of a bitch.

Beatrice...

Okay, Floyd, I'll make a deal with you.

I will take your goddamn mother to the cemetery

if you'll just use a little influence.

Beatrice, it isn't that simple.

Floyd, Floyd...

Oh...

I'm gonna call it

the Man-in-the-Moon Tea Shop.

A chain of Man-in- the-Moon Tea Shops.

(Coughing)

Floyd, listen. Places like that can become famous sometimes

-with just a couple of little things. - Take my advice--

You hear people say it all the time, Floyd.

“You gotta go there because they got a great salad,”

or, “They had this magnificent Sunday brunch,”

- Beatrice, listen-- - Or, “They have a great roast beef.”

Floyd, I have a great cheesecake.

And that's not all. There's plenty of room to expand.

There's this little place next door we can break through.

There's a lot of street traffic--

(Sneezes)

Floyd, the Chinaman has a dump,

and he's making a lot of money.

He's making a mint off those frigging dried noodles.

Beatrice, nobody is going to buy cheesecake.

Floyd? You all right, Floyd?

(Sneezes)

Floyd, can't you go to the bank

and put on a little pressure?

Use a little influence.

It's a $5,000 loan.

Beatrice, I'm an employee.

I can only do so much.

I'm being realistic.

Well, then how about you?

How about a little faith and trust in Man-and-the-Moon Tea Shops

from you, Floyd? Hmm?

I'll give you 10 percent of the whole thing.

Now what more could you want?

Beatrice, I am very sick.

How are the girls, Beatrice?

Have you got a cigarette?

We both quit.

I think you should lay off the past, Beatrice.

Well, how the hell am I gonna do that?

Best way to redeem the past

is to forget the past.

Oh, balls, Floyd.

- I don't owe you anything, Beatrice. - Stop saying that.

You've been saying that ever since I've known you.

You and your low grade brother.

Two really nice guys never owing anybody anything.

I have the flu!

(Mimics Floyd) Well, isn't that a damn shame?

I'll call you next week on the telephone.

Well, God bless the telephone, Floyd!

You and brother were always great

on the telephone.

You could always get off the telephone, right?

You could read the newspaper on the telephone.

You could take a crap on the telephone!

You could be absolutely safe on the telephone!

Too bad the telephone isn't your dong, Floyd!

You'd be an absolute wonder!

Get the hell out of here!

You're looking well, Caroline.

How are the girls, Beatrice?

They're not exactly triumphs.

(Polka Playing)

Here.

Here you are. Carry on.

What?

Ha.

You on a business trip?

Boy, am I on a business trip.

(Chuckles)

Hey, you don't need

a few Louis XIV chairs, do you?

I sell antiques. Old ones.

Oh. Allow me.

Want to buy a lamp?

You have a lamp?

I could use a lamp.

(Bell Jingling)

My God.

Ha ha. I have everything.

Ah...

I have Louis XIV chairs,

I have ladder-backs, I have cane-backs,

I have spindle-backs.

(Chuckles)

Wait a minute.

Here we are.

I have a French piano.

Krell.

Did you ever hear a French piano?

Ahh.

It's French, huh?

How much you gonna give me for the lamp?

I'll give you, um, eight bucks.

Eight bucks for an antique?

It's not a real antique.

Well, jeez, none of this crap is an antique.

You could be right.

I got it from a retired sailor. He needed a few bucks.

(Laughs)

Ohh...

- Does this thing work? - Yeah.

(Upbeat Jazz Playing)

Wow.

Hey, he)!-

Ah, ha ha ha.

- Whoa! - Ohh!

Hey, I'll give you 12 bucks.

Hey!

- Ooh! - BEATRICE: (Laughing)

Hey, I'll give you 30 bucks.

Who in the hell do you think I am?

How dare you say that to me!

How dare you say that to me, you bastard!

You're a bastard!

(Needle Scratches Record, Music Stops)

I'll kill you! Uhh!

Uhh!

(Birds Chirping)

(Horn Honks)

(Takes Deep Breath)

(Breathing Heavily)

(Exhales)

MAN: Your car, lady?

Can I ask what you're doing up here?

Can I see your driver's license please?

Ma'am?

Can I see your driver's license?

Would you come to your car, please, and show me your license?

Is your license in the car?

Are you all right, ma'am?

Wellworth Grammar School, Delmar Junior High,

Warren Harding High,

and Miss Gainer's homeroom in the seventh grade, right?

Miss Gainer's homeroom?

Was you in Miss Gainer's homeroom?

I was the homeroom secretary, you big jerk.

Betty Frank.

Betty Frank.

(Officer's Partner Shouts lndistinctly)

It's okay!

Sure.

Betty Frank.

(Sighs)

So what do you know, you're a cop.

Uhh.

I've been a cop for 19 years.

I got a boy and a girl in college.

You're kidding.

Do you remember Marion Coley?

Marion Coley?

She was in our class.

Yeah, with the funny chin.

Funny chin?

Didn't she have a funny chin?

I married her.

No kidding. You married Marion Coley?

Yeah.

I married her a week after high school let out.

What do you mean “funny chin”?

- Well, how did it work out? - It worked out.

A couple of kids in college.

But I don't think you're thinking of Marion.

Marion doesn't have a funny chin.

Oh, well, what's the difference? A chin is a chin.

The point is, you look great.

And you're a cop, and blue's your color.

You putting me on?

No.

Yeah. I remember you now.

You were always very funny.

Betty Frank.

You used to be in all those skits and everything.

Sure, I remember.

You were dancing, weren't you? Always dancing?

- I was a cheerleader. - Right!

You were a cheerleader!

(Laughing)

So, what's with you? Uh, you have a family?

Yeah. Two girls.

An okay marriage, huh?

(Partner Shouts lndistinctly)

I'll be right there!

So... who did you marry? Anybody I know?

I married George Hunsdorfer.

He was a grade ahead of us.

Hunsdorfer?

Uh, I don't remember.

Yeah.

Anyway, how's it goin'?

How's it going?

Well, George left me...

and the girls.

And then he died, the son of a bitch.

Oh.

He died, huh?

Mm.

That's too bad. I--

I'm sorry.

Well, at least you got two nice girls.

I know what a couple of kids can mean.

Getting a little air, huh?

Yeah. Just getting a little air.

Well, maybe we can get together sometime.

Uh, Marion and you and me.

She'd be glad to see you.

You'd be surprised.

She looks just like she did in high school.

But I think you're wrong about the chin.

Hey!

Freddie Schultz, right?

No!

Sonny Gunderson.

(Car Door Closes)

SONNY: Repark the car, will you, Betty?

(Engine Starts)

(Car Departs)

(Bus Approaches)

Where's your sister?

She went to school.

Are you all right?

I gave Nanny her breakfast.

I've gotta go to school. I'm late already.

I've got a science test second period.

(Scoffs)

Science, huh?

Well, you tell Mr. Goodman

there's a lot of work to be done around here,

so he'd better not count on you spending your days with half-life.

Tell him if he wants to find out about half-life,

he can come and ask me.

I'm the original half-life.

I got one daughter with half a mind,

the other with half a test tube,

a house half full of rabbit crap,

and half a corpse.

That's a half-life, all right.

Jesus, don't you hate the world, Matilda?

(Door Opens)

(Door Closes)

(Telephone Rings)

(Ring)

Hello.

Hello, Mrs. Hunsdorfer.

This is Mr. Goodman at the school. I was wondering if Matilda--

She's on her way, Mr. Goodman. She's on her way.

Uh, yes, uh, Mrs. Hunsdorfer, I really didn't--

While I have you on the phone, Mr. Goodman,

I would like to talk to you about these seeds you gave Matilda.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

Now, she tells me they've been dunked in radioactivity or something,

and I hear such terrible things about radioactivity

that I automatically associate radioactivity with sterility.

Are you married, Mr. Goodman?

Uh, oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not.

Oh, that's too bad.

I don't know what the women of today are thinking about

letting a handsome young man like you get away.

At any rate, it horrifies me

to have these things in my living room.

Couldn't she just grow plain marigolds like everybody else?

Well, I-- I-- I really wouldn't worry about the sterility factor,

and, uh, it's a very interesting project

that she's involved in.

Oh, God, I don't doubt it's an interesting project.

- Yeah. Well-- - John--

Uh, do you know what a mutation is, Mrs. Hunsdorfer?

No, I must admit, at this exact moment,

I do not know what a mutation is,

and I don't want you to think--

Well, when a form or quality of something is changed, that--

I don't want you to think I'm not interested, Mr. Goodman,

but would you spare me the definitions over the phone, please?

I got enough definitions around here from Matilda.

Hello?

Uh-- Yes, yes. I'm sorry. I'm still here.

Uh... I didn't mean to insult you, Mrs. Hunsdorfer.

You didn't insult me, Mr. Goodman,

but I want you to understand I'm not stupid,

and it is my own keen observation

that prevention is better than tragedy.

Now, Matilda has enough to worry about without sterility.

I mean, let's call a spade a spade. She's gonna have problems.

Mrs. Hunsdorfer, I wonder...

well, could you come in some afternoon.

Maybe we could, uh, discuss whatever problem--

That's very good of you, Mr. Goodman.

You want to put my poor old mother's heart at ease, hmm?

Well, let me tell you, I'd like to sit down

and have a heart-to-heart talk with you about that rabbit you gave Matilda.

You know what I have here now?

I have a fertilizer factory, that's what I have.

I'd chloroform the thing myself,

but my other daughter would throw convulsions

for 50 years, and I hate a house that vibrates!

Who was that?

Uh... Beatrice Hunsdorfer.

Oh... God.

I went to school with her here.

Really? What was she like?

Crazy. I mean, she was always crazy.

Anything for a laugh.

Betty Frank.

We used to call her “Betty the loon.”

She's got two kids here.

I know, I know.

Betty the loon. You know, I'll never forget--

She came to school one day wearing feathers.

- Feathers? -(Laughs) I'll bet she still does.

It was so funny.

Someone said that she had an outfit

covered with little bells.

(Laughing) Betty the loon and her bells.

(Students Shouting And Laughing)

(Noise Subsides)

(Blows Into Microphone)

(Laughter)

(Blows) One...

(Laughter)

Before we go on with our program,

I want to take this opportunity to say...

that it is with great pride...

that I now announce the finalists in our annual science fair.

The five finalists are...

Angela Cummings...

Janice Vickery...

Herbert Fox...

(Applause)

Matilda Hunsdorfer...

(Scattered Applause)

And Eugene Lebow.

RUTH". Didn't she tell you?

A finalist!

Well, there were five of them out of... hundreds.

She won with all those plants of hers.

Those crazy plants are some kind of freaks or something.

I heard Mr. Goodman say

she was going to be another Madame Pasteur or something.

And they're coming to take your picture.

What do you mean? Whose picture?

Well, your picture.

İsn't that crazy?

She beat out practically everybody.

They're coming to take my picture for what?

For the Advance.

They're putting all the mothers' pictures

'm me Advance.

Ruth, what are you talking about?

Matilda!

Matilda, what is she talking about?

They want the moth-- the mothers

to be on the stage during the science fair.

What do you mean, on the stage?

Matilda, would you turn around when you talk to me please?

The science fair.

They want the mothers to be on the stage.

What do you mean, just the two of us on the stage?

What am I gonna wear on the stage? What am I gonna say when I get there?

You want them to laugh?

Nobody laughed at me, Mama.

Well, what about me? What if they laugh at me?

Nobody will laugh at you.

Tilly, l...

I...

(Sniffling)

Well... I'll say something simple.

I'll-- If you win, I'll say...

“I'm very proud.”

(Sniffles)

And I'll say, “My heart is full.”

That's all right, isn't it?

I don't have to go into a big thing, do I?

No. (Sniffles)

Probably won't even win.

Then I don't think you'd have to say anything.

(Sniffles)

“My heart is full.”

Classy.

Well, we'll go early. What time does it start?

7:30.

7:30? What day?

Twenty-eighth.

Twenty-eighth.

All right.

I'll just say, “My heart is full.”

Ruth can take care of Nanny, and-- And we--

We won't be late, will we?

I mean, those things don't very last long, do they?

What is it, a weekday?

I can't take care of Nanny.

Well, I have to be up on the stage, don't I?

I have to say, “My heart is full,” don't I?

Is it a weekday?

It's a Friday night, and there's a dance afterwards,

and I have a date with Chris Burns.

Well, I can't have that old lady gagging in there.

Well, then you'll have to have a sitter to come in,

because I'm going to go.

Nobody's gonna come in. You're gonna come in.

RUTH: But I promised Chris Burns.

BEATRICE: Who in the hell did you think was gonna hold down the fort,

that goddamn rabbit?

I have a responsibility towards that old lady,

and she can't have a sitter. She needs a nurse.

And do you have any idea how much it costs to get a nurse, Ruth?

I'm asking you, Ruth, do you have any idea

how much it costs to get a nurse?

RUTH: I don't care what it costs! I promised Chris Burns!

BEATRICE: Well, you'd better care, because those ladies in white

have raised their prices.

Do you understand, Ruth?

Do you understand?

Ruth?

Are you all right?

Ruth?

(Door Slams)

(Horn Honks)

I have to go now.

Mrs. Turner's waiting outside.

I'm sorry you can't come.

Don't be late, Mama!

Ruth!

Ruth, what time is it?

(Bedroom Door Closes)

(Beatrice Approaching)

I think they ought to give the parents a set of mimeographed instructions.

If this is such a big event, why don't they do it up right?

Well, how do I look?

How do I look?

Betty the loon.

Betty the loon Frank, you better hurry up.

They're waiting for you.

I heard Miss Hanley in the office. She said you were crazy.

Betty the loon!

I heard Miss Hanley say you'd always been crazy.

She said you'd probably be dressed in feathers,

trying to get somewhere like some big weird bird.

Betty the loon!

And you put us down all the time, don't you?

But we're not crazy. You're the crazy one.

You're the one they laugh at.

I heard Miss Hanley in the office.

Betty the loon!

Betty the loon!

(Slams)

(Door Closes)

(Band Whistle Blows)

(Band Plays March)

(Whistle Blows)

(Cheering)

MAN: Angela Cummings.

I'd like to speak to the principal please.

Well, would you just get him off the stage?

It's none of your--

It's Beatrice Hunsdorfer, that's who it is!

Oh, is that so?

Well, you just give the principal a message for me, please.

Just tell him I have a message for him.

And for Mr. Goodman.

And-- For you, whoever the hell you are.

And for Miss Hanley too.

Would you just tell her I said--

Thank you very much for making me wish I was dead!

(Slams Phone Down)

All right, bunny.

It's now, bunny.

Janice Vickery.

The past.

Regardless of what anybody says,

I got the cat from the animal shelter

right after it had been put to sleep

in a high-altitude, low-pressure chamber system.

This method removes all the air from the animal's body.

They say it prevents cruelty to animals,

but I think it's horrible.

(Laughter)

Then I boiled the cat in sodium hydroxide solution

until most of the skin pulled right off.

But I had to scrape some of the gristle off the joints

with a knife.

You have no idea how difficult it is

to get right down to the bones.

(Bell Dings)

I have to go on to the present now,

but I did want to tell you how long it took me

to put the thing together.

I mean, as it is now,

it's extremely useful for students of anatomy,

even with the missing rib bones.

And it can be used to show basic “atanomical” aspects

of many, many animals

that are in the same family as felines.

I suppose that's about the only present uses I can think for it.

But it is nice to remember as an accomplishment,

and it looks good on college applications

to show you did something else in school besides dating.

-(Laughter) -(Bell Dings)

As far as future plans,

I'm going to donate it to the science department, of course.

And next year,

if there's another science fair,

perhaps I'll do the same thing with a dog.

Thank you very much for your attention,

and I hope I win.

(Applause)

(Pressing Buzzer Repeatedly)

Yes?

Are you the super?

Yes.

Miss McKay.

I want to see Miss McKay.

Uh, she's not here.

Well, she lives here, doesn't she?

Yeah, she lives here, but she's not in town.

Not in town?

She's in Atlantic City.

I want to leave something for her.

(Horn Honks)

BEATRICE: Right out here.

MAN: Uh... I don't understand.

You just tell Miss McKay that from now on,

she can take care of her own life.

(Suitcase Drops)

What-- What-- Hey!

You're gonna leave her here? What, are you crazy?

What is this, some kind of practical joke?

Yeah. Just tell Miss McKay it's a practical joke.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

You're crazy! Miss McKay won't be back for months!

You take that woman and you get out of here!

You're making me very nervous. I'll call the health department.

Get out of here! You hear me?

(Applause)

Matilda Hunsdorfer.

(Audience Member Coughing)

The seeds were-- The seeds were exposed...

The seeds were exposed to various degrees of gamma rays

from radiation sources in Oak Ridge.

Mr. Goodman helped me pay for the seeds.

Their growth was plotted against time.

L-- I kept a de-- detailed chart on the temperature of the room

and weighed each plant to assure myself

that the amount of water drainage in each plant was equal.

I made an attempt to make sure that...

that the air circulation was the same,

as would affect the rate of growth.

I didn't have any special equipment,

but since the air came from the same source,

I'm quite sure that all gas composition

has been essentially the same.

The soil composition was the same,

and the seeds were germinated at the same time

and always removed from illumination at the same time.

The seeds which received the smallest amount of gamma rays

grew to plants which are normal in appearance.

The seeds which received moderate radiation

grew to plants which have mutations,

such as double blooms,

variegated leaves, and thick stems.

The seeds which received the most amount of radiation

were killed or yielded dwarf plants.

After radiation is better understood...

a day will come when the world we know will be changed

by the power of exploding atoms.

Some of the mutations will be beautiful ones,

things beyond our dreams.

And I believe...

I believe this with all my heart,

that a day will come when mankind will thank God

for this strange and beautiful energy of the atom.

(Chattering)

Who won?

GIRL: Matilda Hunsdorfer.

John...

that's Mrs. Hunsdorfer.

(Clatters)

(Whispering)

She's feeling pretty good. Let's not embarrass her.

Matilda.

My heart is full.

My heart is... full.

(Giggles)

My heart is full!

Oh, no.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna clean this place up.

No, I mean it. Really clean it up.

A real landscape job.

Then you could have your friends to come back here.

Wouldn't you like to have your friends back here?

(Door Opens)

Is that you, Charlie?

Nobody else, Beatrice.

Charlie, you know what we gotta do?

We gotta get these yards cleaned up.

Good idea, Beatrice.

Good? It's a great idea.

Hey, you know, we could even put in a little pond.

Yeah. Right there.

Right there.

Hey, Charlie, you're a plumber.

Couldn't we put a little pond back here?

(Chuckles)

Garden spot of the world, Beatrice.

I didn't say it was the garden spot of the world.

BEATRICE: ...get this place together.

We might even make a kind of a backyard tea room.

We'll get us some... decent tables.

There. We'll clean up all this junk.

Then you and your friends can come back here,

and we'll, uh...

we'll get us a great big umbrella

and plant some vines.

We could have a-- have a ping-pong table.

Now why in the hell didn't I ever think of that before?

We could have a ping-pong table.

The kitchen is right here,

and I could make you some sandwiches

and some cheesecake,

and then you and your friends, you could come back here

and you could dance, and you could play ping-pong.

Hey, Charlie.

Charlie, you know how to play ping-pong, don't you?

Jesus Christ.

You're a real kick in the ass, Beatrice.

Good night.

(Door Closes)

MATILDA: The conclusion."

My experiment has shown

some of the strange effects radiation can produce,

and how dangerous it can be if not handled correctly.

Mr. Goodman said I should tell this in my conclusion...

what my future plans are

and how this experiment has helped me make them.

BEATRICE: Ruth?

MATILDA: For one thing,

the effect of gamma rays on man-in-the-moon marigolds

has made me curious about the sun and the stars...

for the universe itself

must be like a world of great atoms,

and I want to know more about it.

But most important, I suppose,

my experiment has made me feel important.

Every atom in me, in everybody,

has come from the sun,

from places beyond our dreams.

The atoms of our hands,

the atoms of our hearts.

Atom.

Atom.

What a beautiful word.

No, Mama... I don't hate the world.

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