Original subtitles

>> [SIGHS]

TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE

ABOUT YOURSELF, MRS. KRINGLE.

>> THESE LAST 15 POUNDS.

I'VE JUST HAD NO LUCK GETTING

RID OF THEM.

>> THE FIRST 75 DIDN'T EXACTLY

FALL OFF, EITHER.

>> IT'S A PROVEN FACT THAT MEN

AND WOMEN LOSE FAT AT DIFFERENT

RATES. WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO

COMPARE?

>> YOU WERE THE ONE SNEAKING ALL

THE EXTRA ZONE BARS, MAMA.

THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.

>> WESLEY AND I USED TO BOTH BE

A LOT HEAVIER, BUT WE WENT ON A

LIQUID DIET LAST SPRING, AND

TOGETHER LOST ALMOST 200 POUNDS.

>> THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

>> BUT NOW THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE

AND I'VE JUST GOTTA LOSE THESE

LAST FEW INCHES BEFORE

CHRISTMAS. CAN LIPO HELP?

>> USUALLY WE GET REQUESTS LIKE

YOURS AFTER NEW YEAR'S, WHEN

EVERYONE MAKES THEIR

RESOLUTIONS.

>> OH, WE MADE A RESOLUTION

A YEAR AGO TO BE AT 10% BODY FAT

BY NOW. IT WAS A CAREER CHOICE.

JOY AND I, WE'RE THE FEATURE

ATTRACTION OVER AT THE DOLPHIN

MALL DURING THE HOLIDAYS.

WE WORK AS SANTA AND MRS. CLAUS.

[CHUCKLES]

>> WITH A NAME LIKE KRINGLE,

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

>> OH, IT'S NOT A COINCIDENCE,

DOCTOR.

>> THANK YOU.

>> WE USED TO BE THE MAYFIELDS,

BUT WE HAD OUR NAME LEGALLY

CHANGED BACK IN '91. I THINK

THAT'S WHEN WE STARTED PUTTING

ON THE WEIGHT, RIGHT?

>> WELL, WE WERE VERY METHOD

BACK THEN.

[CHUCKLES]

>> OF COURSE, WITH CHILDHOOD

OBESITY RATES THE WAY THEY ARE

TODAY, FAT IS NOT AN IMAGE WE

WANT TO PROMOTE ANYMORE.

>> THE HOLIDAYS DON'T HAVE TO

BE ABOUT GLUTTONY AND

OVERINDULGENCE.

THE TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS

IS ABOUT CELEBRATION AND GOOD

CHEER, AND STUDIES SHOW

THAT PEOPLE ARE MUCH CHEERIER

IF THEY'RE HEALTHY. NOW, WE

TRY TO TEACH THE KIDS THAT.

EVEN OUR CANDY CANES ARE

SUGAR-FREE.

>> OH.

>> WE DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN.

WE NEVER HAD ANY OF OUR OWN

AND IT RUINED THE HOLIDAYS FOR

US, SO ONE YEAR AS A JOKE,

WE DRESSED UP AS THE CLAUSES

AND WE GOT SO MUCH ENJOYMENT

OUT OF SEEING THE KIDS' FACES,

WE NEVER STOPPED.

WE TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY NOW.

>> DOES THAT MEAN WE'LL BE

SENDING YOUR BILL TO THE NORTH

POLE?

>> HEH. WELL, WE CAN CERTAINLY

EXPLORE THE OPTION OF

MICRO-LIPO, ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO

SAY, HAVING 2 KIDS OF MY OWN,

THE IDEA OF A TRIM SANTA

SEEMS NONTRADITIONAL.

YOU STILL PAD THE SUIT, THOUGH,

RIGHT? I WAS PLANNING ON

BRINGING MY DAUGHTER BY NEXT

WEEK.

>> IT'S OUR SINCERE HOPE

THAT BY THE TIME YOUR KIDS HAVE

KIDS, DOCTOR, SANTA WILL NO

LONGER BE THOUGHT OF AS THE FAT

MAN. HE'LL BE TRIM, TIGHT,

AND A LITTLE BIT SEXY.

>> WHAT ABOUT THE ELVES?

I ALWAYS FELT LIKE THAT WAS

INDENTURED SERVITUDE.

ARE YOU GONNA DO SOMETHING

ABOUT THAT?

>> * MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL *

* MAKE ME...

A PERFECT SOUL,

A PERFECT MIND,

A PERFECT FACE,

A PERFECT...

LIFE *

[JOY TO THE WORLD PLAYING]

>> DO YOU THINK MARY HAD SEX

WITH GOD?

>> UM...UH, WELL,

UM, MY PERSONAL THEORY

IS THAT MARY GOT IT ON WITH

JOSEPH BEFORE THE WEDDING,

AND THEN WHEN JESUS WAS BORN

LESS THAN 9 MONTHS LATER,

SHE TOLD EVERYONE IT WAS A

VIRGIN BIRTH. THAT WAY, NO ONE

WOULD KNOW SHE HAD SEX BEFORE

SHE WAS MARRIED.

IT WOULD BE PRETTY TOUGH

TO GET AWAY WITH THAT TODAY.

>> MATT, KNOCK IT OFF.

>> ALTHOUGH, COME TO THINK OF

IT, YOU AND I KNOW SOMEONE

A LOT LIKE THE VIRGIN MARY,

ONLY SHE GOT PREGNANT BY HER

HUSBAND'S BEST FRIEND BEFORE THE

WEDDING. SHE ALSO TOLD A BIG

OLD WHOPPER OF A LIE,

AND EVERYONE BELIEVED IT FOR

A VERY LONG TIME.

>> YES, BUT HER BABY WAS NO SON

OF GOD.

>> IT WAS A JOKE, MOM.

I'M SORRY.

>> [SIGHS]

>> JESUS, YOU'RE WHITE AS A

SHEET.

>> UH, I'M NOT FEELING VERY--

>> OH, OK. HEY, WHOA. I GOT YOU.

I GOT YOU, I GOT YOU.

HERE, COME HERE.

OK.

>> FOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN

RECOMMENDING YOU GET A FLU SHOT,

JULIA.

>> YEAH, WELL, I WOULDN'T HAVE

BOTHERED YOU, BUT DR. EDELMAN'S

OUT OF TOWN, AND...

I'VE BEEN FEELING REALLY RUN

DOWN.

>> WELL, YOU'VE HAD A ROUGH

MONTH. AND IT WOULDN'T BE

CHRISTMAS IF YOU WEREN'T TRYING

TO DO MORE THAN HUMANLY

POSSIBLE. AT LEAST WHEN I WAS

AROUND, YOU HAD A LITTLE HELP

WITH ALL OF IT.

THIS WILL STING A LITTLE.

>> WELL, I THINK YOU'RE

MYTHOLOGIZING OUR HOLIDAYS

TOGETHER, SEAN. WHAT I REMEMBER

MOST IS NAGGING YOU ENDLESSLY.

>> I REMEMBER THAT, TOO.

JUST HOLD THIS.

I MISS ALL OF IT.

UH, SO, YOU GUYS DOING THE BIG

TURKEY DINNER THING?

>> NO. NOT THIS YEAR.

MATT'S BEEN INVITED TO THE

ALDERMANS AND ANNIE'S GOING TO

EPCOT WITH THE EPSTEINS.

>> SO I IMAGINE YOU AND QUENTIN

WILL BE SKIING IN GSTAAD OR

SNORKELING IN ST. BART'S, THEN.

>> I'M NOT SEEING QUENTIN

ANYMORE.

AND HE'S NO LONGER WORKING AT

THE SPA.

>> HE QUIT?

>> I FIRED HIM.

PLEASE, SEAN, NO PATERNALISTIC

I TOLD YOU SO'S.

>> I WAS JUST GONNA SAY THAT

I'M SORRY IF THAT PUTS A DAMPER

ON YOUR CHRISTMAS.

>> NO. I HAVE A TON OF WORK TO

DO, AND THIS YEAR, CHRISTMAS IS

JUST ANOTHER DAY.

>> YEAH.

>> WELL, AREN'T YOU GONNA PUT

THE BAND-AID ON ME?

>> RIGHT.

SORRY. UM...

>> [CHUCKLES]

WHAT?

>> I WAS JUST THINKING THAT...

>> THAT WE SHOULD HAVE LINDA

DO A BLOOD PANEL, MAKE SURE

YOU'RE NOT ANEMIC.

>> [CLEARS THROAT] YEAH.

FINE. YOU'RE THE DOCTOR.

[SIGHS]

>> * AWAY IN A MANGER,

NO CRIB FOR A BED,

THE LITTLE LORD JESUS... *

>> THIS IS SO WRONG.

>> YEAH, I KNOW. I DIDN'T THINK

THEY COULD PUT RELIGIOUS STUFF

ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.

>> MATT, ARE YOU LOOKING AT

THEIR FACES?

THEY'RE BLACK!

JESUS WAS NOT BLACK.

>> THEY'RE A LITTLE

DARK-SKINNED, MAYBE, BUT

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAVE AFROS.

>> HUH. IT FIGURES THEY WOULD BE

ALLOWED TO DO THIS.

>> WELL, IF YOU'RE THAT UPSET,

TALK TO THE PRINCIPAL.

>> RIGHT. PRINCIPAL GOLDBERG?

MATT, SHE'S A JEW. SHE DOESN'T

CARE ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

SHE'S AT HOME ON THE 25th

EATING CHINESE FOOD OR

SOMETHING. I MEAN, IF SHE REALLY

HAVE HAPPENED.

>> HMM. THIS WHOLE THING IS A

FAIRY TALE. COME ON. I THOUGHT

WE WERE SKIPPING LAST PERIOD.

>> THE STORY OF THE BIRTH OF

JESUS IS SACRED, MATT.

IT'S THE FOUNDATION OF ALL

CHRISTIANITY. SAYING THAT JESUS

WAS A MUD BABY IS LIKE

PISSING ON THE BIBLE.

>> YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TAKE

IT LITERALLY. THE STORY'S FOR

KIDS. JESUS IS SANTA CLAUS FOR

ADULTS.

>> DO YOU KNOW WHO SANTA WAS

BEFORE HE BECAME THE MARKETING

TOOL HE IS TODAY?

ST. NICHOLAS, THE PATRON SAINT

OF CHARITY.

BUT BY 1930, WHEN COCA-COLA

GOT AHOLD OF HIM, HE SUDDENLY

BECAME THIS BIG FAT-ASS IN

A RED SUIT, FLYING AROUND

WITH A SLEIGH AND REINDEER,

TOTALLY CORRUPTING THE HOLIDAY

AND MOCKING ANY RELIGIOUS

MEANING BEHIND IT.

>> YOU'RE KIDDING.

>> NO, I'M NOT.

IT'S A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT

HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T PROTECT

OUR HISTORY. WHEN WE DON'T

PROTECT OUR TRUTH, IT CAN BE

REWRITTEN. WE HAVE TO DO

SOMETHING.

>> * HALLELUJAH,

HALLELUJAH... *

>> THE MESSIAH?

LIZ, I THOUGHT YOU WERE

AN ATHEIST.

>> I KIND OF GO ON THE WAGON

AROUND THE HOLIDAYS. YOU MISS

OUT ON TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC IF

YOU DON'T. AND IT PUTS ME IN

A VERY FORGIVING MOOD.

>> WELL, IN THAT CASE, I'M GLAD

IT'S ON. ALL RIGHT. SHALL WE

SUCK THE PRINGLES OUT OF THE

KRINGLE?

>> * HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH,

HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH,

FOR THE LORD GOD OMNIPOTENT... *

>> OH, SORRY, MAESTRO.

WE STARTED THE PERFORMANCE

WITHOUT YOU.

>> * HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH,

HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH... *

>> ARE YOU OK? YOU LOOK LIKE

SOMEBODY DUMPED A LUMP OF COAL

IN YOUR STOCKING.

>> JULIA'S PREGNANT.

>> WHAT?

>> SHE CAME IN EARLIER FOR A FLU

SHOT, I RAN A BLOOD PANEL

AS A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE,

AND THE LAB JUST CALLED AND

SAID SHE WAS PREGNANT.

>> DID YOU TELL HER?

>> LIZ, YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING.

>> I THINK JULIA'S GONNA BE ABLE

TO FIGURE THIS OUT FOR HERSELF.

HOW LONG AGO DID SHE AND QUENTIN

START SEEING EACH OTHER?

>> SHIT.

>> YEAH.

>> NO, SHIT, I HIT SOMETHING.

LOOK.

>> WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE?

>> I DON'T KNOW. LIKE A TUMOR

OR A HERNIA, MAYBE?

>> THAT'S NO HERNIA.

>> WHAT ARE HER VITALS?

>> HEART RATE'S INCREASING.

>> WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO OPEN HER

UP. I'LL GO TALK TO SANTA.

>> ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA NEED

A LAPAROTOMY TRAY.

>> * AND HE SHALL REIGN FOREVER

AND EVER AND EVER,

AND HE SHALL REIGN FOREVER

AND EVER AND EVER... *

>> CONSENT SIGNED.

WE'RE GOING IN.

>> * FOREVER AND EVER,

AND LORD OF LORDS... *

>> 10 BLADE.

>> * AND HE SHALL REIGN FOREVER

AND EVER,

KING OF KINGS

AND LORD OF LORDS,

KING OF KINGS

AND LORD OF LORDS,

AND HE SHALL REIGN FOREVER... *

>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

>> * FOREVER AND EVER... *

>> THAT'S NOT GROWING OUT OF HER

UTERUS, IS IT?

>> * HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH,

HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH... *

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY ELSE

DIDN'T REALIZE THEY WERE

PREGNANT, EITHER.

>> * HALLELUJAH *

[CHRISTMAS HYMN PLAYING]

[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING]

>> * I SAID A LITTLE ROCK,

SAID A LITTLE ROLL,

OOH BAM BOOM SKANY-ANY DOH BOH,

GOTTA ROCK,

GOTTA ROCK,

SAID SANTA'S GONNA ROCK 'N' ROLL

ON CHRISTMAS EVE,

WELL, SANTA'S BEEN WORKING HARD

ALL YEAR LONG,

NOW IT'S GONNA BE WINE, WOMEN,

AND SONG,

WHOLE RIDE IS ROCKIN', REELIN',

GIVE IT A RING,

GONNA RING

THE LITTLE HOLIDAYS IN

AND DIG THIS DAY,

GOTTA BO-DE-OH

WITH THE LITTLE WHITE PICKS,

IF THE CAR DON'T DO IT,

YOU DON'T DANCE WITH ME,

LET IT ROCK,

GONNA ROCK,

YEAH,

PLAY A LITTLE ROCK 'N' ROLL

ON CHRISTMAS EVE,

AAH! HERE WE GO... *

>> HEADS UP.

>> WHOO!

>> NICE CATCH.

>> I GOTS THE GOOD HANDS, BABY.

>> OH, DON'T I KNOW IT.

>> * WELL, SANTA GOT DRUNK

LAST CHRISTMAS EVE... *

>> WE HAVE TO DO IT, I GUESS.

>> * HEY, GOTTA ROCK,

YES, IT'S TIME FOR ROCK 'N' ROLL

ON CHRISTMAS EVE... *

[TIRES SQUEALING]

>> * YEAH, IT'S TIME

FOR A LITTLE ROCK 'N' ROLL

ON CHRISTMAS EVE,

HERE WE GO,

WE'LL REALLY ROLL,

IT'S GONNA ROCK 'N' ROLL

ON CHRISTMAS EVE *

>> I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO CALL,

BUT I...TOOK A CHANCE.

I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT THESE.

IT'S THE HANDMADE ORNAMENTS

FROM WHEN THE KIDS WERE LITTLE.

>> GREAT. ONE MORE BOX OF

DECORATIONS TO HANG.

>> ANNIE SAID YOU GUYS ALREADY

TRIMMED THE TREE.

>> YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT

IS, SEAN. EVERYONE STARTS OUT

WITH GOOD INTENTIONS, AND

EVENTUALLY I'M ALL BY MYSELF

EATING ALL THE COOKIES AND

GUESSING OUT LOUD TO JEOPARDY!

BY THE WAY, HAVE YOU SEEN MATT'S

BABY ORNAMENT? I MEAN, MAYBE

IT'S IN HERE, BUT I DON'T KNOW

WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO IT.

DO YOU THINK IT'S BAD LUCK TO

LOSE YOUR BABY'S FIRST

ORNAMENT? IS THAT LIKE LOSING

YOUR WEDDING RING?

>> JULIA, THE BLOOD PANEL CAME

BACK.

YOU'RE PREGNANT.

>> PREGNANT WITH A--WHAT DID YOU

CALL IT?

>> A LITHOPEDION. LITHO MEANING

STONE, PEDION MEANING CHILD.

YOU HAD A...PETRIFIED FETUS

INSIDE OF YOU.

>> HOW DOES SOMETHING LIKE THAT

HAPPEN?

>> AT SOME POINT, YOU HAD AN

UNDIAGNOSED PREGNANCY AND THE

FETUS DIED. THROUGH SOME FLUKE,

IT REMAINED IN YOUR ABDOMINAL

CAVITY AND JUST CALCIFIED OVER

TIME.

>> JESUS, MARY, AND JOSEPH.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN IN THERE?

>> I'D SAY AT LEAST 15 YEARS,

MAYBE EVEN 20 DUE TO THE LEVEL

OF CALCIFICATION. THE PATHOLOGY

LAB WILL BE MUCH MORE PRECISE.

>> I'M SORRY. THIS IS KIND OF

HARD TO BELIEVE.

>> I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

>> THE EVIDENCE IS PRETTY

IRREFUTABLE.

>> I'M NOT PRETENDING THAT I'M

THE VIRGIN MARY, BUT WHAT I'M

SAYING IS, I...

I JUST DIDN'T EXPECT THIS.

>> I HAVE A COLLEAGUE, A VERY

GOOD DOCTOR, WHO COULD TAKE

GOOD CARE OF--

>> I'M NOT READY FOR THAT

CONVERSATION, SEAN.

>> I'M JUST TRYING TO BE

HELPFUL, JULIA.

I'M PROBABLY STATING THE OBVIOUS

HERE, BUT QUENTIN IS NOT

SOMEONE YOU WANT TO HAVE--

>> PLEASE, SEAN, DON'T SAY

ANY MORE.

>> DO YOU WANT THIS BABY?

>> I ALWAYS WANTED A BABY.

BOTH OF US DID.

WE WERE TOLD IT WASN'T

A POSSIBILITY.

WAS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?

>> AFTER THEY RUN ALL THE TESTS,

WE'LL KNOW MORE. THE ORGANS

WEREN'T VISIBLE.

>> CAN I SEE IT BEFORE YOU SEND

IT OFF?

>> I DON'T THINK THAT'S A GOOD

IDEA.

>> I NEED TO SEE IT.

>> I NEED TO BE ALONE NOW, SEAN.

>> [SIGHS]

>> YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING TO

QUENTIN, HAVE YOU?

>> THAT'S YOUR JOB, JULIA.

I'D NEVER DO THAT.

ARE YOU GONNA TELL HIM?

SORRY. LIKE I SAID EARLIER,

I SHOULD HAVE CALLED FIRST.

>> [SIGHS]

>> OH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA

TELL SANTA.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

>> IS THAT FOR ME?

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I'M HERE FOR MY PAYOUT,

CHRISTIAN. YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED

MY CALLS.

>> I'LL GET IT OFF TO YOU IN THE

MORNING.

>> I NEED IT NOW.

I'M LEAVING FOR THE HOLIDAYS

IN THE MORNING.

>> ALL BY YOUR LONESOME?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR

BURGEONING RELATIONSHIP?

>> WHAT RELATIONSHIP?

>> I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT YOU AND JULIA--

>> JULIA AND I HAD A PARTING OF

THE WAYS.

>> HMM. WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM,

SHE DIDN'T HAVE A DICK?

>> I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,

CHRISTIAN. SHE TRIED TO BLOW ME

IN HER JACUZZI AND I HAD THIS

EPIPHANY. IF I'M FINDING THIS

A SAD CHORE, HOW COULD I

POSSIBLY GO FURTHER?

I HAD TO FINISH OFF IN THE JET.

>> SO YOU AND JULIA NEVER--

>> NO. NOT ONCE.

I WANT MY MONEY NOW.

>> TO BE HONEST, I'M THRILLED

TO BE WRITING THIS CHECK.

IT MEANS I'LL NEVER HAVE TO LAY

EYES ON YOU AGAIN.

WHAT A GIFT.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.

>> * HARK THE HERALD ANGELS

SING,

GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING,

PEACE ON EARTH AND MERCY MILD,

GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED... *

>> MATT?

CAN YOU TELL THAT SHE'S STILL

BLACK?

>> [SNORTS]

SHE LOOKS ALBINO.

YOU--YOU KNOW, I WAS, UH...

I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD WATER

SOME OF THIS PAINT DOWN SO THAT

THEY DON'T LOOK SO CARTOONISH.

>> NO. I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE

TO DO SECOND COATS ON ALL THESE.

THEY'RE NOT WHITE ENOUGH.

>> YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

>> NO. I MEAN, YOU CAN TELL

THAT SHE'S BLACK. LOOK, LOOK.

WHEN THE LIGHT HITS HER,

YOU CAN DEFINITELY TELL.

>> I THINK PEOPLE WILL GET THE

POINT.

>> WELL, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO

KNOW THAT THERE WAS BLACK

UNDERNEATH THERE BEFORE.

WHY IS THAT WRONG?

>> ARE YOU OK?

>> DO YOU LOVE ME?

>> IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?

>> DO YOU LOVE ME?

>> HONEY, I JUST STOLE THE

BABY JESUS BECAUSE YOU ASKED

ME TO.

YES, I LOVE YOU.

>> SO IF I TOLD YOU A SECRET,

YOU'D PROMISE NOT TO TELL

ANYONE, RIGHT?

>> MM-HMM.

YOU CAN TRUST ME.

>> OK.

YOU HAD MRS. TIGH'S HISTORY

CLASS, RIGHT?

>> MM-HMM.

>> SHE MADE US DO THIS FAMILY

TREE, AND I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA

BE A GOOD CHRISTMAS PRESENT

FOR MY FAMILY, YOU KNOW? AND

THEN I FOUND OUT THAT MY MOM'S

GREAT-GRANDMOTHER...

WAS BLACK, WHICH MEANS

THAT MY MOM IS PART BLACK,

WHICH MEANS THAT I'M--

YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT MY MOM WAS

AN OCTOROON WHEN YOU MET HER,

DID YOU? I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T

TELL?

>> A WHAT?

>> AN OCTOROON. 1/8 BLACK.

AND THAT MEANS THAT I'M 1/16...

BLACK.

>> HONEY, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY

WILL EVER BE ABLE TO TELL THAT.

>> MY DAD MIGHT.

MATT, IF I GET ANY DARKER,

THEN MY DAD'S GONNA BE ABLE TO

TELL.

>> ARIEL, YOU'RE WHITER THAN ME.

>> WELL, GENETICALLY, I HAVE

MORE MELANIN IN MY SKIN.

AND ONE DAY, I COULD START TO

TURN. I READ IT ONLINE, MATT.

COULD YOU HELP ME BLEACH MY

SKIN?

>> WHAT?

>> YEAH. THERE'S THIS CREAM THAT

YOU CAN GET THAT WHITENS YOUR

SKIN, AND YOUR MOM PROBABLY HAS

IT AT THE SPA, AND ALL YOU NEED

TO DO IS JUST GET AHOLD OF

SOME--

>> HONEY, THAT'S CRAZY.

>> WHY? PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE

TIME. IT'S COSMETIC.

>> TRYING TO MAKE YOUR SKIN

WHITER? HOW IS THAT GONNA HELP

ANYTHING?

>> BECAUSE IF MY DAD FINDS OUT

THAT I HAVE BLACK BLOOD IN ME,

HE'S GONNA GO BALLISTIC.

I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HOW HE IS,

AND I'M REALLY SCARED WHAT HE'S

GONNA DO TO ME AND MY MOM.

>> YEAH, BUT SO WHAT IF YOU'VE

GOT BLACK BLOOD IN YOU FROM

100 YEARS AGO? THAT DOESN'T

CHANGE WHO YOU ARE NOW.

>> OH, NO?

>> NO.

>> WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WHEN

YOUR DAD FOUND OUT 17 YEARS

LATER THAT YOU WEREN'T THE SON

THAT HE THOUGHT YOU WERE?

HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?

>> * CHRISTMASTIME IS HERE,

HAPPINESS AND CHEER,

FUN FOR ALL

THAT CHILDREN CALL

THEIR FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR... *

>> YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY

GOOD BOY THIS YEAR.

SANTA BROUGHT YOU AN EARLY

STOCKING STUFFER. GUESS WHO IS

NOT THE FATHER OF JULIA'S BABY?

>> YOU.

>> HA HA. VERY FUNNY.

QUENTIN.

>> YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM, DID YOU?

I PROMISED JULIA--

>> I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

HE VOLUNTEERED IT.

HE SAID THAT HE NEVER

SLEPT WITH JULIA.

>> YOU BELIEVE HIM?

>> WHY WOULD HE LIE? HE'S TOO

MUCH OF A COCK NOT TO CROW.

SO SHE MUST BE SEEING SOMEONE.

SHE MENTION ANYTHING TO YOU?

>> NO, UH...SHE HASN'T.

>> ARE YOU SURE? NOT EVEN IN

PASSING? I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

A FRIEND OR SOMEBODY NEW AT

WORK OR...

>> NOPE.

>> SHIT. REALLY?

THEN WHO THE HELL'S THE FATHER?

>> WHO IS THE GODDAMN FATHER?!

IT'S A PRETTY SIMPLE QUESTION,

JOY!

>> EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN HERE?

>> I KNEW HE WOULDN'T TAKE IT

WELL.

>> TAKE IT WELL? SHE TELLS ME

HOW SHE WALKS AROUND WITH

ANOTHER MAN'S BABY INSIDE OF

HER? WELL, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO

SAY--HO, HO, HO? LET ME TELL YOU

SOMETHING. YOU ARE THE GODDAMN

HO, JOY.

>> LOOK, IT'S DIFFICULT NEWS

TO ABSORB, MR. KRINGLE, BUT YOUR

WIFE HAS JUST BEEN THROUGH MAJOR

SURGERY, AND WE NEED TO STAY

CALM.

>> OH, I'LL BE A LOT CALMER

ONCE I GET AN ANSWER.

>> IT WAS 17 YEARS AGO.

IT WAS JUST ONCE.

>> WHO WAS IT?!

>> IT WAS ANDY.

>> ANDY?

MY ASSISTANT ANDY?

HE WAS--HE WAS 18 YEARS OLD.

HE WAS--HE WAS PAYING HIS WAY

THROUGH COLLEGE BY WORKING FOR

US. HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, JOY?

>> HE PAID ME SOME GODDAMN

ATTENTION, WES. AFTER THE

DOCTORS TOLD US YOUR SPERM

WASN'T VIABLE, YOU JUST JUMPED

HEADLONG INTO THE WHOLE SANTA

THING AND ALL THE LITTLE BRATS

THAT WORSHIPPED YOU, AND IT WAS

ALL ABOUT THEM AND YOUR CAREER,

AND I GOT A LITTLE LONELY.

I COULDN'T TALK TO YOU.

I STILL CAN'T.

>> I'LL NEVER GET PAST THIS,

JOY...EVER.

>> YOU KNOW, MR. KRINGLE,

I HAD A SIMILAR EXPERIENCE.

SOMETHING FROM THE PAST CAME UP

IN MY MARRIAGE, AND GIVEN ALL

YOU TWO HAVE BUILT TOGETHER,

I'D HATE TO SEE RASHNESS

PREVAIL HERE.

>> IT'S ALL BEEN A LIE, JOY?

OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE?

>> NO, OF COURSE NOT.

BUT EVERY DAY ISN'T CHRISTMAS.

SOMETIMES I DON'T FEEL JOLLY.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT.

I'M TIRED OF BEING MRS. SANTA

CLAUS. I JUST WANT TO BE

MYSELF--JOY BECKENDAHL, YOUR

NORMAL, MOODY, MIDDLE-AGED WIFE.

>> WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT'S

POSSIBLE ANYMORE, JOY.

>> MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING TO

BE SAID FOR EMBRACING THE TRUTH,

FOR LIVING IN THE REALITY OF A

RELATIONSHIP INSTEAD OF THE

MYTH.

>> UH-HUH. WELL, HERE'S MY

REALITY. SHE CAN BE

NORMAL LITTLE JOY BECKENDAHL,

THE EX-MRS. KRINGLE.

SANTA'S GOING SOLO.

>> IF YOU WANT, I CAN GIVE YOU

A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR MRS.

ALDERMAN TO COME IN FOR A

MASSAGE.

>> OH, PLEASE, MOM. THIS IS

ALREADY TOO MUCH STUFF.

>> AS A MOTHER, I CAN TELL YOU,

IF YOU'RE BEING INVITED TO SPEND

CHRISTMAS EVE AT THEIR HOUSE,

YOU'D BETTER MAKE A GOOD

IMPRESSION.

>> WELL, TRUST ME, GIVING MRS.

ALDERMAN THIS MUCH FREE SWAG

WILL LEAVE THE IMPRESSION THAT

I'M READY TO MARRY HER DAUGHTER.

>> WHAT'S ARIEL'S MOM LIKE?

>> SHE'S NICE. YOU KNOW,

TYPICAL MOM. NOTHING LIKE YOU.

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY.

>> SURE YOU DIDN'T.

>> NO. I MEANT YOU'RE MORE THAN

JUST A MOTHER. YOU'RE A BIG SHOT

BUSINESSWOMAN WITH A WHOLE NEW

CAREER FOR YOURSELF.

THAT'S A HELL OF A LOT BETTER

THAN BEING A STAY-AT-HOME MOM,

RIGHT?

>> OH, HONEY, YOU DON'T NEED

THIS. THIS IS MEDICAL-GRADE

SKIN BLEACH.

>> OH, WOW. THANKS FOR CATCHING

THAT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

>> BELIEVE ME, IF MRS. ALDERMAN

EVER PUT THAT ON BY MISTAKE,

YOU WOULD NEVER BE INVITED BACK.

[RING]

>> SPA DE LA MER.

HELLO?

HELLO?

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

>> HELLO?

[DIAL TONE]

[BEEPS]

>> UM, THANKS. YOU'RE BUSY.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER, OK? BYE.

[BEEPS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[BEEPS]

>> HELLO.

>> DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

>> DID I?

UM...YEAH.

>> WHY DID YOU HANG UP?

>> I WAS CHICKEN.

I WAS CALLING TO SEE WHAT YOU

WERE DOING CHRISTMAS EVE.

>> OH.

>> ARE YOU BUSY?

>> SORT OF. UH...

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT. UM...

AND I'LL PROBABLY WANT TO BE

ALONE LATER.

>> MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE

SOMEONE DRIVE YOU.

>> [GIGGLING]

COME ON, LET ME SEE IT,

LET ME SEE IT, LET ME SEE IT.

>> ALL RIGHT. JEEZ.

>> OH!

>> MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> SILLY. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO

WRAP IT.

UH, WHAT IS THIS?

>> UM...DR. SLOAN IS A

PSYCHOTHERAPIST WHO SPECIALIZES

IN TEEN IMAGE ISSUES.

MY GRANDMOTHER RECOMMENDED HER.

>> FOR WHAT?

>> I THINK YOU NEED TO TALK TO

SOMEONE ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE GOING

THROUGH, ALL THIS PARANOIA ABOUT

BEING BLACK. I'M WORRIED.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LIKE AN

ANOREXIC. ONLY YOU CAN'T GET

WHITE ENOUGH.

>> YOU ARE GETTING WAY TOO

SERIOUS. COME ON, JUST--WHERE'S

THE CREAM?

>> LOOK, I AM SERIOUS, ARIEL.

I THINK YOU NEED HELP.

>> AND WHEN DID YOU BECOME THE

EXPERT ON MENTAL HEALTH?

AHA! FOUND IT!

>> LOOK, THAT'S ONLY IN THERE

BECAUSE I'M RETURNING IT.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT.

>> WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

YESTERDAY WE WERE HAVING SO

ON BOARD WITH THIS.

>> YEAH, WELL, IT'S NOT FUN

ANYMORE. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

HURTING YOURSELF WITH SOMETHING

CRAZY.

>> HURTING MYSELF? THEY SELL

THIS IN BEAUTY PARLORS, MATT.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

>> IT'S STRONGER THAN THAT

STUFF.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? IF I KNEW YOU

WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS,

I WOULD HAVE ORDERED IT ONLINE.

YOU THINK IT'S WORKING?

HOW DO I LOOK?

>> A LITTLE INSANE, ACTUALLY.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW YOU,

MATT. I THOUGHT YOU ACTUALLY

UNDERSTOOD WHAT I WAS GOING

THROUGH, BUT YOU DON'T!

I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRUSTED YOU!

GET OUT!

>> FINE.

>> ASSHOLE.

>> WAIT. DON'T LEAVE.

>> NO, I THINK YOU WERE RIGHT.

I SHOULD GO.

>> MY FACE--IT FEELS LIKE IT'S

ON FIRE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> MY FACE. HOW DO YOU MAKE IT

HOW DO YOU MAKE IT STOP?!

OW! YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!

>> OK, OK! COME ON!

>> [CRYING]

[SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

INDISTINCTLY]

>> IS SHE GONNA BE OK?

>> IT'S NOTHING WORSE THAN A

FIRST-DEGREE BURN.

YOU'RE LUCKY MATT BROUGHT YOU IN

AS SOON AS HE DID. THERE SHOULD

BE NO PERMANENT SCARRING.

>> THANK YOU, BY THE WAY.

>> SO I GUESS PLASTIC SURGEONS

AREN'T THE DEVIL WHEN YOU NEED

THEM, HUH?

MATT, CAN I HAVE A WORD?

YOU'RE BOTH VERY LUCKY.

IF SHE HAD A REACTION,

SHE'D BE IN SHOCK RIGHT NOW.

>> YEAH. I TOLD HER IT WAS A BAD

IDEA.

>> NOW, WAS THAT BEFORE OR AFTER

YOU STOLE THE CREAM FROM YOUR

MOTHER? HMM?

LOOK, YOU WANT TO SHAVE YOUR

HEAD AND RUIN YOUR LIFE, THAT'S

FINE, BUT WHEN YOU START HURTING

OTHER PEOPLE, THAT'S WHEN I HAVE

A PROBLEM.

>> LOOK, I CAME TO YOU FOR HELP,

BUT IF THIS IS GONNA TURN INTO

A FATHER/SON LECTURE, THEN--

>> LET'S STOP PRETENDING WE

HAVE A FATHER/SON RELATIONSHIP,

SHALL WE?

>> OK.

>> I'M BILLING YOU FOR MY TIME.

>> MATT! HEY--

ARIEL. WHAT--WHAT'S GOING ON

HERE?

>> DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> WELL, MATT CALLED ME.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?

>> SHE HAD A REACTION TO A

SKIN-BLEACHING CREAM.

NOTHING SEVERE. SHE'S GONNA BE

FINE.

>> WHY DID YOU CALL HIM?

>> BECAUSE YOU CAN'T KEEP

HIDING THIS ANYMORE, ARIEL.

>> HIDING WHAT? WHAT--

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

>> UM, MATT SAID THAT I SHOULD

LIGHTEN MY FRECKLES, SO HE STOLE

SOME BLEACH CREAM FROM HIS MOM'S

SPA, AND WE PUT IT ON MY FACE

AND I HAD A REACTION.

>> YOU DID THIS?

>> TELL HIM WHAT YOU TOLD ME

ABOUT THE RESEARCH PAPER.

HONEY, I WON'T LET HIM HURT YOU.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT.

>> ARIEL DISCOVERED THAT HER

MOTHER, YOUR WIFE, COMES FROM

AFRICAN LINEAGE, BUT SHE WAS SO

AFRAID OF WHAT YOU MIGHT DO

THAT SHE TRIED TO BLEACH HER

SKIN.

>> WHAT?

>> JUST TELL HER THAT BEING

1/16 BLACK DOESN'T MATTER TO

YOU, THAT YOUR LOVE FOR HER

IS NOT BASED ON WHAT COLOR SHE

IS.

>> HMM? IS THAT TRUE?

>> OF COURSE NOT.

DAD, I'M NOT BLACK.

HE'S JUST SAYING THIS TO YOU

BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO GET

IN TROUBLE. YOU ARE A SICK

PERSON--

>> YOU DON'T THINK THAT I'D EVER

HURT YOU, DO YOU, SWEETHEART?

I WELCOME YOU INTO OUR HOME

AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME,

BY MAKING UP THESE HATEFUL LIES?

>> MR. ALDERMAN, SHE'LL DO

SOMETHING WORSE NEXT TIME.

>> NO, MY DAUGHTER IS ONE OF THE

MOST CONFIDENT, STRONG WOMEN

THAT I HAVE EVER KNOWN, AND YOU

COULDN'T HANDLE THAT, COULD YOU?

SO YOU TRIED TO CHANGE HER FACE

SO THAT YOU'D FEEL BETTER ABOUT

YOURSELF. YOU KNOW, THAT'S NO

DIFFERENT THAN WHAT HE DOES.

>> MY SON SAVED YOUR DAUGHTER

FROM A SEVERE BURN. NOW, YOU CAN

BELIEVE YOUR OWN BULLSHIT IF YOU

WANT TO. THAT'S FINE. BUT UNLESS

YOU WANT A PROBLEM WITH ME,

I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE NOW.

>> AS LONG AS YOUR SON STAYS

AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER, WE HAVE

NO PROBLEM.

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

>> BECAUSE PEOPLE ONLY BELIEVE

WHAT THEY WANT TO.

>> SO, LOOKS LIKE MY ADVICE FELL

ON DEAF EARS.

>> OH, I HEARD YOU, DOCTOR.

IT'S JUST THAT I HADN'T MET

CIRCE YET. [CHUCKLES]

WELL, THAT'S NOT QUITE TRUE.

JOY USED TO CATCH US FLIRTING

ALL THE TIME. CIRCE WORKED AT

THE CINNABUN NEAR THE NORTH

POLE.

>> WELL, SHE'S NOT GOING TO

CATCH YOU HERE IF THAT'S WHAT

YOU WERE HOPING. YOUR WIFE

CHECKED OUT THIS MORNING.

>> SHE DID?

>> YES.

>> WELL, SO WHAT?

SHE'LL--SHE'LL HEAR ABOUT IT,

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

>> I WORK WITH SANTA NOW.

>> AND YOU WORK QUICKLY.

>> LOOK, DOC, ALL YEAR LONG

IT'S, UH, "GIMME AN X-BOX. GIMME

A SPONGEBOB." I SPEND MY LIFE

FULFILLING OTHER PEOPLE'S

WISHES. I'M SURE YOU KNOW

SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

THIS YEAR SANTA GOT HIMSELF A

PRESENT. [CHUCKLES]

CIRCE HERE HAS A FANTASTIC,

WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, AND

I'D LIKE TO REWARD HER WITH SOME

DOUBLE Ds. COME ON, DOC.

WHAT BETTER WAY TO PROMOTE

SANTA'S NEW IMAGE THAN BY

SHOWING OFF HIS HEALTHY YOUNG

WOMAN?

[MUSIC PLAYS]

>> * SANTA, BABY,

* JUST SLIP A SABLE

UNDER THE TREE AND CALL ME... *

>> * CHESTNUTS ROASTING

ON AN OPEN FIRE... *

>> MATTY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HERE?

>> I DIDN'T--I DIDN'T THINK

YOU'D BE HOME ON CHRISTMAS EVE.

UH, I WAS JUST LEAVING THAT FOR

YOU.

IT'S AN I.O.U. 30 HOURS SLAVE

LABOR--CAR WASHES, COFFEE RUNS,

WHATEVER YOU NEED TO PAY OFF

ARIEL'S VISIT. I'M NOT EXACTLY

LIQUID RIGHT NOW.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

>> YOU HUNGRY? I JUST BOUGHT

A TON OF FOOD.

[FOOTBALL GAME ON TV]

Announcer: ...THE ONE-YARD LINE

BY SANDS. AND HE WAS TAKEN DOWN

AT THE 23-YARD LINE. ANDRE

FRAZIER HAD HIM IN HIS SIGHTS,

MADE THE HIT, AND THERE'S A FLAG

DOWN AT THE 15-YARD LINE.

SO WE'LL START WITH A...

>> NOT A BAD WAY TO SPEND THE

HOLIDAYS.

>> MM, NO. TWO SINGLE MEN

WATCHING FOOTBALL, EATING

CHINESE. THAT'S AMERICA.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, BY THE WAY?

>> I DON'T THINK ABOUT HER.

I WAS PROUD OF WHAT YOU DID

EARLIER. STANDING UP TO THAT

ASSHOLE TOOK GUTS.

>> IT'S NOT GONNA CHANGE

ANYTHING, MAN. THEY'LL GO ON

LIVING THEIR LIE AND NO ONE WILL

EVER TALK ABOUT IT.

>> YOU EVER WISH YOU DIDN'T KNOW

ABOUT ME...BEING YOUR BIOLOGICAL

FATHER?

>> YEAH.

IT WAS CERTAINLY EASIER NOT

KNOWING.

BUT, UH...

I'M ADJUSTING.

YOU?

>> I'M ADJUSTING, TOO.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

>> * OOH OOH,

OOH OOH OOH OOH,

O HOLY NIGHT... *

>> UH, I'M JULIA McNAMARA.

I HAVE A 7:30 APPOINTMENT.

>> JUST FILL THIS OUT, MRS.

McNAMARA.

>> * ...THE NIGHT

OF THE DEAR SAVIOR'S BIRTH... *

[THUNDER]

>> RAIN STARTED YET?

>> NOT YET.

ANY MINUTE, THOUGH.

THANK YOU.

>> THANK YOU. PLEASE HAVE A

SEAT. THE DOCTOR WILL BE OUT

IN A FEW MINUTES.

>> * LONG LAY THE WORLD

IN SIN AND ERROR PINING,

THEN HE APPEARED

AND THE SOUL FELT ITS WORTH,

A THRILL OF HOPE,

THE WEARY SOUL REJOICES... *

>> I WAS THINKING...THIS IS OUR

FIRST CHRISTMAS EVE ALONE

WITHOUT THE KIDS IN 18 YEARS.

>> * A NEW AND GLORIOUS MORN *

>> YES. JUST THINKING THE SAME

THING.

>> * FALL ON YOUR KNEES,

OH, HEAR THE ANGELS' VOICES *

>> IT'S YOUR BABY, SEAN.

>> * O NIGHT DIVINE... *

>> I KNOW.

>> * O NIGHT... *

>> MRS. McNAMARA? THE DOCTOR'S

READY FOR YOU NOW.

>> OK.

>> * O NIGHT...

O HOLY NIGHT,

O NIGHT DIVINE,

O NIGHT *

* TRULY HE TAUGHT US

TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER,

HIS LAW IS LOVE,

AND HIS GOSPEL IS PEACE *

>> I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

>> ME NEITHER.

>> * FOR THE SLAVE IS OUR... *

>> LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

>> * BROTHER...

AND IN HIS NAME

ALL OPPRESSION SHALL CEASE,

SWEET HYMNS OF JOY

IN GRATEFUL CHORUS RISE,

LET ALL WITHIN US

PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME,

CHRIST IS OUR LORD,

* O HEAR THE ANGELS' VOICES,

O NIGHT DIVINE,

O NIGHT WHEN CHRIST WAS BORN,

O NIGHT...

O NIGHT...O NIGHT,

O NIGHT DIVINE *

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--]