Original subtitles

>> REMIND ME. WHY AM I DOING

THIS AGAIN?

>> BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME. BECAUSE

IT'S MY FANTASY. AND BECAUSE MY

MONIQUE LHUILLIER DRESS IS A

SIZE ZERO, AND I AM NOT GOING

TO FEEL LIKE THE PERFECT BRIDE

UNLESS I FIT INTO IT.

>> THE THINGS YOU DO FOR LOVE.

HIT IT.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

>> WILL THE BRUISING BE BAD?

>> WITH MICRO LIPO, THERE IS NO

BRUISING. IT SHOULD HEAL IN A

DAY OR SO. IN FACT, YOU WILL BE

FEELING SO GOOD THAT WE COULD

DUCK OUT FOR A QUICK LUNCH.

>> NO TIME FOR LUNCH,

CHRISTIAN. I GOT TO MEET WITH

THE WEDDING PLANNER.

>> DO YOU THINK THESE WEDDING

JITTERS ARE MAKING YOU A LITTLE

FORGETFUL, SWEETHEART? YOU

HAVEN'T SIGNED YOUR FIDELITY

PRE-NUP.

>> OK. I'M GOING TO DO IT. I

KNOW, I'M THE ONE WHO WANTED

IT. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVEN'T

YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THE

>> WHY ARE YOU FASTING?

>> BECAUSE MY DRESS SHOWS EVERY

>> WHICH I AM REMOVING AS WE

SPEAK.

>> I KNOW. BUT AT THIS POINT, I

WILL GAIN WEIGHT IF I EVEN

LOOK AT CAKE.

>> WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING

A WEDDING IF WE CAN'T ENJOY

THIS KIND OF STUFF TOGETHER?

>> IF I GAIN ANY OF THIS

WEIGHT BACK, NOBODY'S GOING TO

BE HAVING FUN BECAUSE I'M NOT

GONNA BE THERE.

>> FINE. I'LL DO THE TASTING.

BUT JUST KEEP IN MIND IF YOU

DON'T SIGN THAT PRE-NUP AND

AGREE IN WRITING TO STOP

DIRECTING DOUBLE ENTRY

GANG-BANGS, THERE WON'T EVEN BE

A WEDDING.

>> TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE

ABOUT YOURSELF, MS. BERG.

>> I'M HER MOTHER, MIRIAM BERG.

AND I WAS JUST TELLING MADISON

WHEN I TURNED 16, MY PARENTS

JUST ANNOUNCED, "IF YOU WANT TO

GET A HUSBAND, YOU GOING TO HAVE

TO GET YOUR NOSE DONE."

>> MY PARENTS BIG JOKE IS THAT

I WOULDN'T BE HERE TODAY IF IT

WEREN'T FOR THAT NOSE JOB.

>> WE KNOW THAT YOUR MOM AND

HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU. DO YOU

WANT A RHINOPLASTY?

>> WELL, GETTING MARRIED AND

HAVING KIDS IS NOT HIGH ON MY

LIST OF PRIORITIES. I MEAN, IT

WAS FOR MY MOM BECAUSE THINGS

WERE DIFFERENT THEN.

>> WELL, NOT ALL THAT

DIFFERENT. IT WASN'T LIKE IT

WAS THE DARK AGES FOR GOD'S

SAKE.

>> ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR

NOSE, MS. BERG?

>> ALL I KNOW IS IT'S ALWAYS

BEEN A GIVEN THAT I'D BE

SITTING HERE A FEW DAYS BEFORE

MY 16TH BIRTHDAY.

>> IT'S ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL WHEN

YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR. IT'S

TRUE THAT WE'VE DONE A LOT OF

RHINOPLASTIES ON JEWISH GIRLS,

AND THE TREND IS DEFINITELY

TOWARDS A MORE REFINED PROFILE.

WE CAN SHOW YOU SOME OF OUR

WORK IF IT HELPS.

>> I ASSUME YOU WANT TO TAKE

ADVANTAGE OF OUR SWEET 16

PACKAGE.

>> ABSOLUTELY. WHEN I READ YOUR

AD IN THE TEMPLE NEWSLETTER, IT

SAID THAT YOU OFFERED A 20%

DISCOUNT ON A RECOVERY ROOM AT

THE DE LA MER SPA.

>> OH, MY GOD, IT'S LISA

BURROWS. SHE'S A SENIOR AT MY

SCHOOL.

>> HAVE YOU SEEN HER BEFORE

PICTURE?

>> LISA BURROWS IS JEWISH? OK.

I'M IN. AND I WANT HER NOSE.

>> DOES EVERYONE AT THIS SCHOOL

SHOP AT J. CREW? YOU'RE THE

ONLY WEIRDO I HAVE SEEN SO FAR.

IT WAS A COMPLIMENT, BY THE WAY.

>> IT WAS? WELL, THANK YOU THEN.

>> I'M ARIEL. I'M IN YOUR

AMERICAN HISTORY CLASS. I'M NEW

AT THIS SCHOOL.

>> I'M MATT, THE WEIRDO IN THE

BACK ROW.

>> HI.

>> HI.

>> UH-OH. JAP, 3:00.

>> OH, YEAH. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE

JUST GOT RELEASED FROM THE

SLAUGHTERHOUSE MY DAD RUNS.

HE'S A PLASTIC SURGEON. HE DOES

A LOT OF SWEET 16 NOSE JOBS.

>> JEWS WITH GENTILE NOSES AND

GENTILE NAMES. IT'S COMPLETELY

PATHETIC. THE BANDAGE ON HER

FACE ISN'T COVERING HER NOSE

JOB. IT'S BROADCASTING HER

SELF-HATE. AND SHE'S NOT THE

ONLY ONE. I MEAN, EVERYWHERE I

LOOK, IT'S JUST A SEA OF

PATHETIC LOOK-ALIKES AND

WANNABES.

>> WELL, I'M SO NOT LIKE ANYONE

ELSE HERE, I HARDLY EVEN NOTICE

THEM, YOU KNOW?

>> I LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD REALLY

HELP ME OUT WITH SOMETHING.

I'M DOING A TERM PAPER

ON HOMOGENIZING INFLUENCES

IN THE MELTING POT CULTURE.

AND, UH, IT WOULD BE COOL

TO TALK TO A PLASTIC SURGEON.

MAYBE YOU COULD INTRODUCE ME

TO YOUR DAD?

>> [LAUGHS] UH...UM...

>> IF IT WILL GET YOU TO HAVE

COFFEE WITH ME, I WILL.

>> YOU HAD ME AT "MATT, THE

WEIRDO."

>> I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO

YOU. I DIDN'T THINK IT COULD BE

DONE.

>> I GIVE FULL CREDIT TO

CHRISTIAN. HE JUST OPENED UP

HIS HEART AND ALLOWED HIMSELF

TO FEEL THE LOVE.

>> MM, YOU'RE NICE AND LIMBER.

IT MUST BE FROM ALL THOSE KINKY

POSITIONS YOU HAVE TO DO FOR

THE CUM SHOT.

>> ACTUALLY, I PUT THE BLAME ON

BRADLEY. HE'S OUR PRIVATE

PILATES TRAINER. HE WORKS ME

AND CHRISTIAN OUT EVERY MORNING.

>> OH, THIS IS ON THE HOUSE.

I VOLUNTEERED TO BE YOUR

TECHNICIAN. THINK OF IT AS PART

OF YOUR WEDDING GIFT. OH, AND

BY THE WAY, I HAVEN'T RSVPed TO

YOUR WEDDING INVITATION

BECAUSE I GUESS THERE WAS SOME

KIND OF MIX-UP.

>> YOU WON'T BE RECEIVING AN

INVITATION, GINA.

[GASPS]

>> I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT ONE.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE SOME PUSSY

BURN. SO, I'M NOT INVITED TO

THE WEDDING.

>> PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES,

GINA. WE SIMPLY CAN'T

ACCOMMODATE ALL OF CHRISTIAN'S

EX-LOVERS.

>> I NEED YOU ON ALL FOURS. AND

I GUESS WITH ALL THOSE

SCUMBAGS, PIMPS, AND PORN STARS

YOU'VE BALLED, WELL, THAT WOULD

WOULDN'T IT? OH, DID YOU WANT

ME TO GET THE FOUR LONG DARK

HAIRS UP YOUR ASS?

>> I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT BE A

LADY ABOUT THIS, GINA.

>> YOU'RE NO LADY, AND NEITHER

AM I. YOU'RE JUST THE LUCKY

WHORE WHO WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE

AT THE RIGHT TIME. HERE. PUT

THIS ON YOUR ASS. THE TRUTH IS I

WOULDN'T MARRY HIM NOW EVEN IF

HE BEGGED ME. DID HE TELL YOU

THAT HE STOPPED PAYING FOR MY

AIDS COCKTAIL?

>> A WAY TO A MAN'S HEART IS NOT

ENTRAPPING HIM WITH YOUR

TRAGEDY.

>> YOU'RE THE TRAGEDY IF YOU

MARRY HIM, KIMBER. CHRISTIAN

TROY WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE

BUT THE ONE HE CAN'T HAVE, HIS

PRECIOUS JULIA.

>> HELLO, KIMBER. HOW IS THE

WAXING? AM I INTERRUPTING

SOMETHING?

>> NO. WE'RE DONE.

>> I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD

FILL IN A CUSTOMER

SATISFACTION FORM.

>> SURE.

>> AND PLEASE BE HONEST. WE'RE

NEW, SO WE WELCOME ANY AND ALL

CRITICISM.

>> ACTUALLY, I'D LIKE YOU TO BE

HONEST WITH ME, JULIA.

>> IS THERE SOMETHING YOU

WANTED TO ASK ME?

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU AND CHRISTIAN

GIVE IT A TRY?

>> OH. WHOO. UM...

HONESTLY, THERE WAS ONCE

AN ATTRACTION BETWEEN US.

AND WE'RE STILL

VERY GOOD AND VERY OLD FRIENDS.

BUT CHRISTIAN AND I AREN'T IN

LOVE. YOU AND CHRISTIAN ARE.

>> YOU KNOW, I'VE COME A LONG

WAY SINCE I FIRST FELL FOR THAT

LAME PICKUP LINE THAT HE USED

WHILE TROLLING FOR PATIENTS IN

BARS. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

I LOVE HIM. BUT I DON'T WANNA

GIVE UP EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE

WORKED SO HARD FOR JUST TO WAKE

UP ONE DAY TO DISCOVER THAT THE

TWO OF YOU FEEL LIKE YOU MISSED

OUT. AND THAT YOU STILL NEED TO

GIVE IT A TRY.

>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE IT

A TRY. IT'S ALL IN THE PAST.

>> THANK YOU. I NEEDED TO HEAR

THAT. YOU KNOW, FOR WHAT IT'S

WORTH, JULIA, YOU AND SEAN HAVE

GOT TO BE TWO OF THE CLASSIEST

PEOPLE I KNOW. AND I TOLD

CHRISTIAN THIS. OF COURSE

HE LAUGHED AT ME. BUT I HAVE

THIS FANTASY THAT OUR WEDDING

WILL BRING THE TWO OF YOU BACK

TOGETHER.

>> WELL, IT SHOULD JUST TAKE

YOU A MOMENT TO FILL IN, AND

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE WEDDING.

>> DID YOU EVER THINK THAT WE'D

LIVE TO SEE IT? ME, IN A

MONKEY SUIT, SAYING "I DO" TO

GOD AND EVERYBODY ELSE?

>> I HAD MY DOUBTS.

>> BECOMING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

I'M STRANGELY ELATED. HOW'RE

YOU DOING?

>> I'M OK. I'M IN KIND OF A

TRANSITIONAL PHASE.

>> COME BACK TO THE PRACTICE.

>> I CAN'T, CHRISTIAN.

>> YES, YOU CAN. IT DOESN'T WORK

WITHOUT YOU. WE CAN FIGURE

OUT WHAT TO DO WITH QUENTIN.

JUST COME BACK. I MISS YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

JUST DON'T SAY NO. THAT'S ALL

I'M ASKING.

>> HEY.

>> HELLO, MATTIE. HOW'S MY

LITTLE SKINHEAD?

>> HEY, SOME PEOPLE LIKE THIS

LOOK, YOU KNOW?

>> HEY.

>> MAYBE I SHOULD COME BACK

LATER.

>> NO. NO. STAY. IT'S NICE TO

SEE YOU. I SHOULD BE GETTING

BACK, ANYWAY.

>> WILL YOU TWO KISS AND MAKE

THE MEMO, I'M THE MAIN EVENT

RIGHT NOW. C'MON, SIT DOWN.

I ASKED YOU HERE BECAUSE I WANT

YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN. BOTH OF

YOU.

>> WELL, YOU WOULDN'T WANT A

SKINHEAD STANDING UP THERE,

RIGHT?

>> I WAS TEASING, MATTIE.

JESUS. WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE

SAY YES?

>> I'LL SAY YES IF YOU DO ME A

FAVOR. A FRIEND OF MINE IS

DOING A TERM PAPER, AND SHE

WANTS TO INTERVIEW A PLASTIC

SURGEON. IF YOU AGREE TO MEET

WITH HER, THEN I'LL STAND UP

THERE WITH YOU.

>> WHATEVER IT TAKES. BUT,

YOU, YOU HAVE TO DO THE

INTERVIEW WITH ME. THINK OF IT

AS A BABY STEP TOWARDS COMING

BACK TO THE PRACTICE OR AN

EARLY WEDDING PRESENT FOR ME.

>> I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO MEET

WITH A FRIEND OF MATT'S.

>> SO SET IT UP. BUT STAY AWAY

FROM THE HEAD CLIPPERS UNTIL

AFTER THE WEDDING.

>> DEAL.

>> YOU? DO YOU THINK YOU COULD

PUT YOUR TRANSITIONAL PHASE ON

HOLD LONG ENOUGH TO REMEMBER

THE RINGS?

>> I CAN DO THAT.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHO'S HIGHER

MAINTENANCE, YOU TWO OR MY

BRIDE.

>> WE CALL THIS ONE "ENDLESS

ARE FLOWN IN FROM TAHITI.

>> THIS ONE'S A LITTLE SWEET

FOR MY TASTE BUDS. WHAT DO YOU

THINK? DO YOU LIKE THIS ONE

BETTER THAN THE ORANGE COCONUT

RUM? HELLO! SEAN, A LITTLE

FEEDBACK HERE, PLEASE.

>> I'LL GO GET SOME SAMPLES OF

OUR CHOCOLATE CAKE. IT'S NOT

AS SWEET.

>> THANKS.

>> YOU KNOW, FOR THE LIFE OF ME,

I CAN'T RECALL THE CAKE-TASTING

WHEN JULIA AND I GOT MARRIED.

>> YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

>> NO.

>> YOU CAN'T RECALL IT BECAUSE

YOU WEREN'T THERE, SEAN.

YOU WOULDN'T GIVE UP A LASER

CONFERENCE IN ATLANTA. DON'T YOU

REMEMBER? YOU ASKED ME TO STAND

IN FOR YOU.

>> AND YOU WENT.

>> YEAH.

>> RIGHT.

YOU WENT TO THE TASTING WITH

JULIA. YOU ATE A LOT OF CAKE,

DRANK CHAMPAGNE, AND THE REST,

AS THEY SAY, IS HISTORY.

>> LIKE YOU SAID, WE DRANK A LOT

OF CHAMPAGNE.

>> MM-HMM.

I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

SINCE JULIA AND I SPLIT UP, HAVE

YOU AND SHE EVER TALKED ABOUT

GIVING IT A TRY?

>> I DON'T THINK WE'VE BOTH EVER

BEEN SINGLE AT THE SAME TIME.

>> THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER.

>> I DON'T HARBOR ANY FEELINGS

FOR HER, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE

ASKING. I WOULDN'T DO THAT

TO YOU...AGAIN.

YOU SLEPT WITH KIMBER.

DO YOU, YOU KNOW...

>> COME ON. NO.

>> NO?

>> SHE'S NOT THE GIRL FOR ME.

>> I'M SORRY. I JUST HAVE TO SAY

SOMETHING. I'VE BEEN DOING THIS

FOR A LOT OF YEARS, AND YOU TWO

ARE THE MOST ELEGANT SHARING

COUPLE I'VE EVER MET. SO HONEST

AND SO GENEROUS IN SPIRIT.

>> JULIA'S NOT THE ONE FOR ME,

SWEETHEART. YOU'RE THE ONE

I WANT. THE ONLY ONE I WANT.

>> I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE ME IN

THAT WAY, BABY. CAN I TRY

THE CHOCOLATE?

MMM, IT'S DIVINE. DELICIOUS.

>> WE FLY IN THE CHOCOLATE FROM

BELGIUM. WE CALL THIS ONE

"FOREVER MY LOVE."

>> FOREVER.

>> [CHUCKLING] FOREVER.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

>> CALL ME OLD SCHOOL, BUT I

THINK A DOCTOR SHOULD SIT BEHIND

A DESK, HAVE A LITTLE DIGNITY.

>> JUST SAY THE WORD AND YOUR

STUFF WILL COME OUT OF STORAGE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

>> HEY, EVERYONE, THIS IS

ARIEL ALDERMAN.

>> SEAN McNAMARA. GOOD TO MEET

YOU, ARIEL.

>> CHRISTIAN TROY. WELCOME.

PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

>> I'LL--I'LL BE OUTSIDE.

>> LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE

THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER.

>> ACTUALLY, HE IS.

>> WOW. I'M USUALLY REALLY GOOD

AT READING FACIAL FEATURES.

YOU HAVE THE DARK FACIAL

FEATURES, MORE LIKE THE IRISH IN

MATT, AND YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE

SOME CARIBBEAN BLOOD IN YOU.

THE HAIR, THE WIDER NOSE.

WAS YOUR FATHER FROM CUBA?

>> I NEVER HAD A CONVERSATION

WITH MY FATHER ABOUT HIS ROOTS.

ANYWAY, HOW CAN WE BE OF HELP?

>> I WANT YOU TO DYE

MY SKIN BLACK.

BASICALLY, I WANT TO LOOK

AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

>> WE DON'T DYE PEOPLE'S SKIN.

>> NO, BUT YOU WOULD BLEACH

MY SKIN, WOULDN'T YOU?

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE HERE TO DO

RESEARCH FOR A TERM PAPER.

>> THIS IS RESEARCH. I'M ASKING

YOU TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT

IT'S ACCEPTABLE TO MAKE A BLACK

PERSON WHITE BUT NOT TO MAKE

A WHITE PERSON BLACK. MICHAEL

JACKSON IS WHITER THAN I AM.

>> WE DON'T TREAT

MICHAEL JACKSON.

>> OK. CLOSER TO HOME. LET'S

TALK ABOUT THE JEWISH GIRLS WHO

BOOK THEIR SWEET-16 NOSE JOBS

WITH YOU. WHAT PERCENTAGE OF

YOUR INCOME COMES DIRECTLY FROM

THEIR DESIRE TO LOOK LIKE HEIDI

KLUM OR KIRSTEN DUNST--

DISTINCTLY ANGLO-SAXON

GENTILE GIRLS?

>> WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

>> MY POINT IS THAT YOU ARE

WIPING OUT THE PHYSICAL

CHARACTERISTICS THAT MAKE UP

THE ETHNICITIES IN OUR CULTURE.

UNDERLYING EVERYTHING YOU DO IS

THE WORSHIP OF AN ARCHETYPE.

IT'S ALL ABOUT MAKING EVERYONE

LOOK WHITE AND ARYAN. THAT'S

THE TOPIC OF MY TERM PAPER.

>> THAT'S NOT CORRECT. WE OFFER

PEOPLE A CHOICE. WE DON'T HAVE

A PREFERENCE FOR ANY PARTICULAR

ETHNICITY--

>> SEAN, YOU DON'T NEED TO

DEFEND WHAT WE DO.

>> YES, I THINK YOU DO. LITTLE

BY LITTLE, YOU AND ALL THE OTHER

PLASTIC SURGEONS ARE JUST

CREATING A NATION OF NON-WHITE

WHITES.

>> DOES MATT KNOW WHAT YOU

WANTED TO TALK TO US ABOUT?

>> WELL, HE DIDN'T KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT,

OR ELSE HE MIGHT NOT HAVE MADE

THIS INTRODUCTION.

>> LET'S HOPE NOT.

>> EVERY TIME YOU LIPO A BIG

BLACK ASS or SHAVE THE BUMP OFF

A JEWISH NOSE, OR WIDEN A SLANTY

ASIAN EYE, YOU MAKE THAT PERSON

MORE VIABLE IN A WHITE WORLD.

THEN THAT PERSON MARRIES A WHITE

PERSON AND THEY GIVE BIRTH TO

A MIXED-RACE CHILD. IN THE LONG

RUN YOU'RE JUST WIPING OUT THE

RACES. IS THAT YOUR MASTER PLAN

OR IS THAT JUST AN UNFORTUNATE

BY-PRODUCT OF WHAT YOU TWO DO

FOR A LIVING?

GET YOUR HAND OFF ME.

>> WHOA, WHOA, WHAT THE HELL'S

GOING ON?

>> YOUR FATHERS ASKED ME TO

LEAVE, MATT. THEY'RE VERY

DEFENSIVE ABOUT THEIR WORK.

>> WHAT'D YOU SAY TO HER?

>> I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS GIRL IS

TO YOU, MATT, BUT SHE'S NOT WHO

YOU THINK SHE IS.

>> I ASKED INTELLIGENT,

WELL-RESEARCHED QUESTIONS,

BUT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL

WITH IT. THEY JUST WANT THEIR

OWN POINT OF VIEW PARROTED BACK

MATT.

>> DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT

TO MY WEDDING.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

>> BELIEVE IT.

>> WHY WOULD YOU WANT SOMEBODY

SHE'S A RACIST.

>> YOU'RE A JUDGMENTAL ASSHOLE.

I GUESS SOME THINGS NEVER

CHANGE, RIGHT?

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

>> WHAT'S THIS?

>> IT'S THOR'S HAMMER.

IT'S A NORSE PAGAN SYMBOL.

>> IS THAT A SWASTIKA ON IT?

>> IT'S ONE OF THE WORLD'S

OLDEST SYMBOLS.

>> HEH. UHH.

>> DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA

FREAK OUT ABOUT IT. PEOPLE ARE

SO IGNORANT ABOUT IT.

>> WELL, IT'S GOT SOME PRETTY

EVIL CONNOTATIONS, ARIEL.

>> IT'S ON BUDDHIST PRAYER

WHEELS AND NATIVE AMERICAN

AMULETS. SEE, LOOK.

IT'S 4 Ls.

LIGHT, LOVE, LIFE, AND LUCK.

MY DAD GAVE IT TO ME.

HE'S VERY, VERY SMART.

>> YOU'RE, UH, YOU'RE NOT INTO

SOME KIND OF NEO-NAZI, RACIST

KIND OF TRIP, ARE YOU?

>> NO. BUT I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE

SHOULDN'T DISGUISE THEMSELVES

AND HIDE THEIR IDENTITIES.

I MEAN, I DON'T HIDE WHO I AM,

AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF

SOMEONE IS ASIAN OR JEWISH

OR WHAT THEIR REAL GENDER IS.

AND OH, MY GOD, THOSE SEX-CHANGE

OPERATIONS THAT PLASTIC SURGEONS

DO? DID YOUR FATHERS DO ANY OF

THOSE?

>> YEAH, I THINK THEY DID.

>> THAT TO ME IS TRULY IMMORAL.

PLAYING WITH SOMETHING THAT'S AS

SACRED AS SOMEONE'S SEX, PLAYING

GOD, AND SPREADING DISEASE

AND FEAR. I'M NOT A NAZI, MATT.

BUT I AM A PURIST.

>> YOU'RE FIERCE,

AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

>> I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

DO YOU TRUST ME?

>> YEAH.

>> ARE YOU READY?

>> MM-HMM.

[FOOTSTEPS]

>> HEY, BABY.

WHAT YOU LOOKING AT?

>> THE ROYAL WEDDING.

>> IS THAT JULIA?

>> I GOT US SOME CHAMPAGNE

AND CAVIAR SO THAT WE COULD

HAVE A RELAXING EVENING BEFORE

THE BIG DAY.

>> WHAT MADE YOU CHECK OUT

THIS ALBUM?

>> I DON'T KNOW. WEDDING FEVER.

>> I DON'T WANT ANY CHAMPAGNE

AND CAVIAR, CHRISTIAN. I TOLD

YOU I'M FASTING. ALTHOUGH,

YOU NOT REMEMBERING SHOULDN'T

SURPRISE ME.

>> WELL, YOU'RE IN SOME MOOD,

SWEETHEART, AND IT'S NOT VERY

ATTRACTIVE.

>> WELL, DON'T WORRY, I WON'T BE

AROUND MUCH LONGER TO BRING YOU

DOWN. I'M GONNA GO STAY IN

A HOTEL.

>> WHY? BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING

AT OLD PICTURES OF ME IN A CHEAP

SUIT?

>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WERE

LOOKING AT.

>> SWEETHEART, THIS WAS SUPPOSED

TO BE A LOVELY EVENING. I WAS

GONNA BATHE THE BRIDE IN A SOAPY

SHOWER, GIVE HER A LITTLE

MASSAGE, AND JUST WHEN SHE WAS

LETTING GO OF ALL OF THAT

WEDDING STRESS, I WAS GONNA SLIP

MY HAND BETWEEN HER DELECTABLE

SIZE ZERO THIGHS AND--

>> OK, OK, OK, COULD YOU JUST--

YOU WERE ALL MISTY-EYED OVER

THOSE PHOTOS OF JULIA,

CHRISTIAN.

BE HONEST.

>> JESUS, KIMBER.

WHY THE JEALOUS FIT, I MEAN,

TONIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS?

I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE

PISSED. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SIGNED

YOUR PRE-NUP.

>> UH, YEAH.

>> [SIGHS] GOD DAMN IT, WHY ARE

YOU LEAVING?

>> I'M GOING TO A HOTEL BECAUSE

IF I STAY HERE, I'M JUST GONNA

END UP HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

AND I WANT TO FEEL LIKE A VIRGIN

TOMORROW, LIKE A REAL BRIDE.

PURE AND UNTOUCHED.

THE KIND YOU WISH I WAS.

>> THIS ONE IS MY PRIZE.

I JUST GOT IT ON EBAY.

>> HMM. YEAH. HONESTLY, MRS.

ALDERMAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE

APPEAL OF THIS STUFF. YOU KNOW,

I MEAN, IT JUST SEEMS KIND OF

DEMEANING, YOU KNOW, A BIG, FAT

BLACK LADY IN AN APRON.

>> TO MOM, IT'S JUST A PIECE OF

AMERICANA.

>> YEAH. IT'S FROM ANOTHER TIME.

IT'S BEFORE THEY WANTED TO LOOK

LIKE US. YOU KNOW, BLACKS WERE

BLACKS, AND THE WOMEN ENJOYED

THEIR SIZE. SEE? SHE'S HAPPY TO

BE LARGE. SHE HOLDS MORE

COOKIES.

>> SUE, WILL YOU QUIT BORING

THIS KID AND PUT DINNER ON THE

TABLE? ARIEL, HELP YOUR MOTHER.

>> UH, MATT, THIS IS MY DAD.

>> AH! HEY, I'M WITH YOU, MATT.

IF I WAS BLACK, I WOULDN'T WANT

TO BE MEMORIALIZED AS A COOKIE

JAR. [CHUCKLES]

SO, MATT, YOU KNOW, AFTER ARIEL

TOLD US ABOUT YOU, I DID A

RESEARCH AND GUESS WHAT I FOUND

OUT ABOUT YOU?

>> OH, GOD. I HATE WHEN HE DOES

THIS.

>> YOU WERE INVOLVED IN A PRETTY

BRUTAL GAY-BASHING, HMM?

>> WHAT?

>> YEAH. YOUR FRIEND HERE TOOK

DOWN A TRANSSEXUAL. WHAT DID

HE/SHE DO, MAKE A PASS AT YOU?

>> YES, SIR, THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?

>> WELL, I'VE GOT A FRIEND IN

THE DEPARTMENT. I RUN A CHECK ON

ANYONE THAT ARIEL BRINGS HOME.

HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT.

>> SO IS THIS WHERE MY DINNER

INVITATION DISAPPEARS?

>> THIS IS WHERE I TELL YOU...

THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT A PLACE

AT THIS TABLE.

>> REALLY?

>> WELL, WHAT WERE YOU SUPPOSED

WORST POSSIBLE WAY, HMM?

AND YOU STILL STOOD UP FOR

YOURSELF. YOU BEHAVED LIKE A

MAN, AND THAT TAKES BALLS, BY

THE WAY. BOY, THOSE TRANNIES

CAN BE MEAN, AND THEY TRAVEL IN

PACKS.

>> OH, DAD, DID I TELL YOU THAT

MATT'S FATHER IS A PLASTIC

SURGEON?

>> AH! SO NOW THEN, YOU GREW UP

WITH ALL THAT LIBERAL,

MULTICULTURAL, POLYSEXUAL

DOUBLESPEAK, AND YOU STILL

TURNED OUT TO BE A MAN OF HONOR,

HUH?

>> I--

>> WELL, NOW I'M TRULY

IMPRESSED. BROCCOLI?

>> THANK YOU.

>> DID MY DAUGHTER GIVE YOU

THAT?

>> I PIERCED IT FOR HIM.

>> YEAH?

MATT, I'VE GOT A JOB FOR YOU,

AND I THINK YOU'RE UP TO IT.

>> WELL, I THINK YOU MAY BE

OVERESTIMATING ME, SIR.

>> HE'S NEVER HAD A SON.

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A

PROTÉGÉ.

>> AND THAT IS A TYPICALLY

OFF-POINT REMARK, SUE.

JEEZ.

NOW, DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD

GET ME THE PATIENT FILES FROM

YOUR FATHER'S OFFICE?

MATT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE

PHRASE "MENTAL DURESS" IS? HMM?

THAT IS WHEN PEOPLE CLAIM

THAT THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS

BEING JEOPARDIZED BY SOMETHING

THAT THEY DON'T LIKE ABOUT

THEIR INSURANCE COMPANIES TO

PAY FOR IT. IT'S WHY JEWS GET

THEIR NOSES FIXED, GAYS GET

THEIR ORGANS LOPPED OFF,

AND ME AND A LOT OF OTHER

HARDWORKING GUYS LIKE ME

WHO DON'T HAVE TIME FOR

"MENTAL DURESS" END UP

PICKING UP THE TAB IN HIGHER

PREMIUMS.

NOW...LOOK, ONE OF THESE DAYS,

YOU'LL HAVE A FAMILY OF YOUR

OWN.

>> DAD.

>> AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

CHOOSE BETWEEN A BIKE FOR YOUR

KID OR HEALTH INSURANCE.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU FOLLOW

IN YOUR FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS.

>> THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

>> UH-HUH.

>> UM, WAIT. HOW DO THE FILES

HELP?

>> LOOK, THEY TELL US WHICH OF

THESE HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES

ARE MOST LENIENT WITH THESE

ELECTIVE SURGERIES, AND THEN

WE USE THAT INFORMATION TO PUT

PRESSURE ON THE GOVERNMENT.

>> I'LL GO AND HELP YOU FOR

SUPPORT.

>> LOOK, I DON'T KNOW.

UM...

LOOK, MY PROBLEM IS,

THIS IS MY FAMILY WE'RE TALKING

ABOUT HERE.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

I RESPECT THAT.

AND I THINK SUE MAY BE RIGHT.

I THINK I SEE A KINDRED SPIRIT

IN THERE. MAYBE EVEN A

FRIENDSHIP DOWN THE ROAD, HMM?

FORGIVE ME. I GOT AHEAD OF

MYSELF.

HERE.

>> OH. THANK YOU.

>> SURE.

>> "WHAT AN INCREDIBLE JOURNEY

IT'S BEEN, WATCHING YOU GROW

FROM THAT PRETTY BUT SLIGHTLY

SHALLOW GIRL TO A DEEP,

BEAUTIFUL, POWERFUL WOMAN.

YOU INSPIRE ME EVERY DAY WITH

YOUR DIGNITY, KIMBER.

YOUR CAPACITY FOR UNCONDITIONAL

LOVE, YOUR PATIENCE--"

WHY WOULD SHE FLY OFF THE HANDLE

>> IT'S TEMPORARY, CHRISTIAN.

BRIDES CAN BE IRRATIONAL.

SO, ABOUT YOUR VOWS.

YOU MIGHT LEAVE OUT THE PART

WHERE YOU CALL HER A "SLIGHTLY

SHALLOW GIRL."

>> RIGHT.

>> YEAH.

>> GOT A PEN?

>> HEY! SORRY I'M LATE.

I HAD TO PICK UP MY TUX AT

THE RENTAL PLACE.

>> WHY WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL

AN HOUR BEFORE THE CEREMONY?

>> I WANT TO BE HERE FOR YOU,

CHRISTIAN, BUT IT'S KIND OF

HARD WHEN YOU'RE ALL BENT OUT

OF SHAPE AND SUPERIOR.

>> NO, NO, NO. WHAT'S KIND OF

HARD IS WHEN YOUR SON/BEST MAN

SHOWS UP AT YOUR WEDDING

IN STORM TROOPER BOOTS

AND SKINHEAD JEWELRY.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A LITTLE

SHIT?

>> ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, CALM

AND HE CAN TAKE OFF HIS EARRING.

IS THAT A FAIR COMPROMISE?

>> WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO

COMPROMISE? THIS IS WHO I AM.

WHY ISN'T IT GOOD ENOUGH?

>> WHEN IT'S YOUR WEDDING, YOU

CAN DRESS IN DRAG FOR ALL I

CARE, BUT TODAY IS MY DAY

AND I CALL THE SHOTS.

>> SO I GUESS I'M NOT GOOD

ENOUGH TO BE IN YOUR WEDDING.

>> DRESSED UP LIKE A GODDAMN

JERRY SPRINGER GUEST? YOU

BETCHA.

>> COME ON, CHRISTIAN.

>> NO, IT'S OK.

ACTUALLY, IT'S A RELIEF TO BE

KICKED OUT OF YOUR WEDDING.

STANDING UP FOR A

SELF-IMPORTANT, HYPOCRITICAL

ASSHOLE SUCH AS YOURSELF

IS THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD

>> IT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU TO BE

SO GOOD ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

>> IT'S ALL GOOD, JULIA.

I DON'T WANT TO BE AT

CHRISTIAN'S WEDDING, ESPECIALLY

AS I WASN'T INVITED.

>> GOOD TO SEE YOU. THANKS FOR

COMING.

>> ENJOY YOURSELF, AND CALL ME

WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

WE CAN HAVE OUR OWN POST-WEDDING

PARTY.

>> WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

WE'RE BOTH WEARING WHITE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,

HOPING I'D GET COLD FEET SO YOU

COULD STEP IN FOR ME?

>> I JUST HAD TO DROP OFF A

LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE BRIDE.

IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO ME IF YOU

OPENED IT NOW.

PICKING OUT THE PERFECT WEDDING

GIFT WAS NO EASY FEAT, KIMMY.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT, SHE'S GOT

SOMETHING NEW--HER TITS;

THE GROOM IS BORROWED, SINCE

SOONER OR LATER, HE'LL RETURN TO

THE WOMEN OF GREATER MIAMI-DADE;

AND AS FOR SOMETHING BLUE,

WELL, THERE WILL BE PLENTY OF

BLUE DAYS LIVING WITH THE

WORLD'S BIGGEST ASSHOLE, SO

ALL THAT'S MISSING IS SOMETHING

OLD.

>> WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

>> MY OLD DIAPHRAGM.

>> OH, MY GOD.

>> IT'S THE ONE I USED WITH

PREGNANT, KIMBER.

SOONER OR LATER, HE'S GONNA

LEAVE.

>> DID HE DO THIS TO YOU?

ALL THIS BITTERNESS

AS A RESULT OF LOVING HIM

TOO MUCH?

>> NO. I WAS ALWAYS A BITCH.

>> OH, JESUS. I DIDN'T THINK I

HAD THE POWER TO UPSET YOU THIS

BADLY.

>> I'M SO AFRAID I'M MAKING A

MISTAKE, GINA.

I'M GIVING UP EVERYTHING FOR

HIM. MY CAREER, MERCHANDISING.

I HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS SO I CAN

FIT INTO THIS DRESS. IT JUST

SEEMS LIKE I'M TRYING TO

DISAPPEAR SO HE'LL ACCEPT ME.

WHAT IF I JUST TURN INTO NOTHING

AT ALL AND THEN I'M JUST GONNA

END UP LOSING HIM ANYWAY.

>> WELL, YOU MIGHT HAVE THOUGHT

OF THAT BEFORE THE INVITATIONS

WENT OUT.

OH, YOU NEED TO FIX YOUR EYE

MAKEUP. YOU HAVE TO GO OUT THERE

SOON, AND YOU LOOK LIKE COURTNEY

NOW, FOR ALL THE SHIT I SAY

ABOUT YOU TWO--I HOPE I DON'T

CHOKE ON THESE WORDS, BUT

CHRISTIAN LOVES YOU, KIMBER.

YOU JUST NEED TO BELIEVE IT.

OPEN.

>> I GUESS I NEEDED A GOOD CRY.

THANKS.

>> YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY,

KIMBER.

>> THANK YOU.

>> NOT AS PRETTY AS ME, THOUGH.

[BOTH LAUGH]

>> THE DOOR WAS OPEN.

I JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU LUCK.

>> THANKS.

I COULD USE IT.

>> WHO TIED THIS? SEAN?

>> HAVE YOU SEEN KIMBER?

SHE WAS SO CUCKOO LAST NIGHT,

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF SHE

DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP.

THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT WISHES

SHE WAS HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD

AND I COULD JUST TELL EVERYBODY

>> YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK. I SAW HER

ON MY WAY IN. EVERYONE IS

TERRIFIED BEFORE THEIR WEDDING,

CHRISTIAN. YOU KNOW THAT CLICHÉ

ABOUT LIFE FLASHING BEFORE YOUR

EYES WHEN YOU DIE?

WELL, THE SAME IS TRUE OF

WEDDINGS. EVERY REASON A

MARRIAGE IS WRONG AND IMPOSSIBLE

RISES TO THE SURFACE.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH

CHAMPAGNE AT WEDDINGS.

>> THAT'S WHY YOU SLEPT WITH ME,

ISN'T IT?

>> ALL MY FEARS ABOUT SEAN

GOT TURNED INTO THE NEED TO FIND

OUT IF YOU WERE REALLY THE ONE.

>> THERE'S STILL SOMETHING...

SOMETHING UNRESOLVED BETWEEN US

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

>> SLEEPING TOGETHER DIDN'T

RESOLVE ANYTHING. WE SIMPLY

MADE A MISTAKE THAT MANY PEOPLE

PAID DEARLY FOR.

I THINK WE HAVE TO LOOK AT THESE

FEELINGS AS BEING THE DEMONS

THAT SURFACE WHEN WE TRY AND DO

SOMETHING GOOD FOR OURSELVES.

MARRYING KIMBER IS VERY GOOD.

>> I WANTED TO MARRY YOU.

>> IT WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED.

>> WHAT IF WE'RE MEANT TO BE

TOGETHER? WHAT IF THE DEMONS

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ARE KEEPING

US FROM BEING HAPPY.

>> YOUR BRIDE IS BEAUTIFUL AND

WAITING FOR YOU. YOU'RE GONNA

GO OUT THERE AND GET MARRIED.

>> JULIA, WE'VE BEEN HERE

BEFORE. MAYBE--MAYBE--MAYBE

DESTINY IS IN THE SECOND CHANCE.

IT FEELS THE SAME AS IT DID

17 YEARS AGO.

>> IT WAS JUST A KISS,

CHRISTIAN.

>> SOME KISS.

>> IT'S MY WEDDING PRESENT

TO YOU SO THAT YOU CAN LET IT

GO FOREVER.

I AM NOT GOING TO LET YOU RUIN

YOUR LIFE.

>> LIKE I RUINED YOURS?

>> NO.

>> CHRISTIAN, KIMBER ASKED ME TO

WALK HER DOWN THE AISLE. ARE YOU

OK WITH THAT? HELLO, JULIA.

>> [LAUGHS] HEY, SEAN.

>> WOW. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

>> WE ALL DO. HA HA HA!

SO MUCH WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE,

AND HERE WE ARE, STILL STANDING.

STILL PRETTY FANTASTIC.

[CHUCKLES]

LET'S TOAST US.

TO SURVIVAL WITH GRACE.

[GLASSES CLINK]

>> [EXHALES]

[FOOTSTEPS]

>> COMING, SEAN.

OK.

[EXHALES]

>> I DID LOVE HER.

>> I KNOW YOU DID.

>> I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE I'LL

ALWAYS BE ALONE.

MAYBE THAT'S JUST THE WAY

IT'S MEANT TO BE.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU'VE NEVER REALLY

BEEN ALONE.

>> REALLY?

MY BRIDE LEFT ME AT THE ALTAR,

MY PARTNER LEFT ME FOR A MIDLIFE

CRISIS. AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

>> I CAN HELP YOU WITH ONE OF

THOSE THINGS.

I'D LIKE TO COME BACK TO THE

PRACTICE.

>> YOU MEAN THAT?

>> I DO.

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--]