Original subtitles

Sean: HE'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT,

JULIA. IT'S A SIMPLE RESET WITH

A COUPLE OF STITCHES. IN 6

WEEKS, HE'LL LOOK LIKE NEW.

Julia: I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT

WHAT HE'S GONNA LOOK LIKE, SEAN.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT'S GOING

ON INSIDE HIM THAT'S MAKING HIM

LIE TO US ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

HE'S BEEN COMPLETELY SHUT OFF

FROM US SINCE YOU TOLD HIM

ABOUT AVA.

Sean: REALLY? I THOUGHT HIS

ERRATIC BEHAVIOR BEGAN AFTER YOU

DECIDED TO SERVE ME WITH DIVORCE

PAPERS.

Christian: WHAT IS WRONG WITH

YOU TWO? MATT'S BLEEDING, AND

YOU'RE SO SELF-INVOLVED YOU'RE

FIGHTING OVER WHO GAVE HIM THE

STRAIGHT RAZOR.

Julia: CHRISTIAN, THIS REALLY

ISN'T ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Christian: YOUR NEGLECT OF MY

SON IS MY BUSINESS. LOOK, I

AGREED TO TAKE A BACK SEAT TO

YOU TWO BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS

BETTER TO MAINTAIN CONSISTENCY.

OBVIOUSLY, I WAS WRONG. AS SOON

AS WE'RE DONE RESETTING HIS

FACE, I'M ENLISTING SOME

PROFESSIONAL HELP SO WE

CAN MAKE HIM TALK ABOUT WHAT

HAPPENED.

Julia: WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

CHRISTIAN, YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT

THE DIFFERENT CLASSES OF TEQUILA

THAN YOU KNOW ABOUT PARENTING.

Christian: I KNOW ENOUGH TO KNOW

THAT THE POUND WOULDN'T GIVE

EITHER OF YOU A 10-YEAR-OLD MUTT

COVERED IN ITS OWN SHIT RIGHT

NOW.

Christian: WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

Sean: ASSISTING.

Christian: ASSISTING WHO?

Sean: ASSISTING ME. THIS KIND OF

CRANIAL-FACIAL WORK IS QUENTIN'S

SPECIALTY. NOT LETTING HIM

OPERATE ON MATT WOULD BE...

NEGLECTFUL.

Matt: CAN'T YOU ALL DO IT?

Christian: NO, MATT. IT'S A

2-MAN JOB, AND YOUR FATHER KNEW

THAT.

Quentin: THAT'S ALL RIGHT. UH,

WELL, I'M THE SHORT-TIMER.

CHRISTIAN CAN ASSIST.

Matt: WELL, WAIT. ARE YOU THE

GUY THAT FIXED MY DAD'S FACE?

Quentin: YES.

Christian: IT'S OK, MATT.

Sean: YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.

Liz: MATT, COUNT BACK FROM 10

FOR ME, OK?

Matt, muffled: 10...9...

[SLOWER] 8...

Sean: 11 BLADE...

OSTEOTOME...

MALLET.

Christian: HOW LONG IS THIS

GONNA TAKE, MR. MILLER? I'VE GOT

A MEETING IN 45 MINUTES.

Miller: OH, LIKE 10 MINUTES,

TOPS. LOOK, I REALLY APPRECIATE

YOU COMING ON SHORT NOTICE, DR.

TROY. THE ADMINISTRATION'S

PRETTY DOWN ON THE GREEK SYSTEM

RIGHT NOW. WE'D PROBABLY BE

EXPELLED FOR THIS.

Christian: HOW'D YOU GET MY

NUMBER?

Miller: YOU DID MY MOM. HER

NECK-LIFT. YOU DID A GREAT JOB,

MAN. SHE GOT REMARRIED, LIKE, 4

MONTHS LATER.

Christian: CONGRATULATIONS.

Miller: PLUS, YOU'RE KIND OF A

LEGEND AROUND HERE.

Quentin: LEGEND? WERE YOU A

BROTHER AT THIS FRAT?

Christian: CHAPTER PRESIDENT,

CLASS OF '86.

Miller: AND GUYS ARE STILL

TALKING ABOUT HIM. HE TURNED

THIS FRATERNITY FROM A SAUSAGE

FEST INTO A PUSSY PALACE ALL BY

HIMSELF, AND THAT'S WHY WE

THOUGHT YOU'D BE COOL. NOW,

WE CAN PAY YOU EVERYTHING IN OUR

RITES OF SPRING PARTY FUND,

WHICH IS, LIKE, 7 GRAND, BUT YOU

HAVE TO KEEP THIS A SECRET.

Christian: KEEP WHAT A SECRET?

Miller: WE TRIED WATERING THEM

DOWN AND PULLING THEM APART...

[PLEDGES MOANING]

BUT THIS STUFF IS LIKE CEMENT,

MAN.

Christian: CYANOACRYLATE. THIS

IS INDUSTRIAL-STRENGTH ADHESIVE.

Miller: YEAH. WE TRIED CALLING

THE 800 NUMBER ON THE BACK OF

THE BOTTLE. THEY SAID ONCE IT

DRIES, ALL YOU CAN USE TO

UNSTICK IT IS A CHISEL OR A

SCRAPER OR SANDPAPER.

Christian: WE SHOULD HAVE ENOUGH

LIDOCAINE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US

FOR A QUICKIE.

Quentin: YOU WANNA OPERATE IN

HERE?

Christian: IF WE DON'T SEPARATE

THEM HERE, WE CAN'T TRANSPORT

THEM.

[PLEDGES MOAN]

THEY'RE 18. WE NEED THEM TO

SIGN THIS CONSENT FORM TO

RELEASE US FROM ANY LIABILITY.

Quentin: YOU CARRY AROUND YOUR

OWN RELEASE OF LIABILITY FORMS.

Christian: PHYSICIANS GET SUED

FOR DOING THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER

AT A RESTAURANT. YOU NEED TO BE

PREPARED.

Quentin: WELL, INFECTION

SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM IF WE CAN

RUSH THEM TO THE E.R. WE'RE

GONNA HAVE TO DO SOME GRAFTING

IN THE OFFICE, BUT IT CAN WAIT

A DAY. LIDOCAINE OR NOT, IT'S

GONNA HURT LIKE HELL.

[PLEDGES MOAN]

Christian: HEY, WHAT'S YOUR

NAME?

Derek: UH, D-DEREK JORDAN.

Christian: DEREK, I NEED YOU TO

SIGN THIS FORM SO THAT DR. COSTA

AND I CAN PERFORM SURGERY ON THE

THREE OF YOU. WE'RE GONNA GIVE

YOU LOCAL ANESTHETIC, BUT, UH,

THERE'S STILL GONNA BE SOME

PAIN. NOW, YOU NEED TO STAY COOL

WHILE WE'RE CUTTING, UNDERSTAND?

Derek: GOT IT.

Christian: THANK YOU, DEREK.

Derek: MM-HMM.

Christian: AND, YOU, SIR?

Alex: SCREW THIS. I WANNA GO TO

THE HOSPITAL. MY DAD'S A DOCTOR.

I WANNA TALK TO MY DAD.

Derek: YOUR DAD IS AN

ORTHODONTIST, DICKWEED!

Alex: YOU DON'T THINK DENTISTS

HAVE TO GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL,

ASSHOLE?!

Derek: JUST SIGN THE DAMN FORM,

ALEX, OR I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL

SHIT YOUR FACE.

Gary: DUDE, I'M FREAKIN' OUT.

IF THEY DON'T CUT ME OUT OF HERE

SOON, I'M GONNA LOSE IT AND RIP

MYSELF OFF.

Alex: FINE. GIVE ME THE GODDAMN

FORM.

Christian: THERE WE GO.

AND YOU? EXCELLENT. YOU GUYS

MIGHT WANNA LEAVE. IT'S GONNA

GET, UH, MESSY IN HERE. AHEM.

AT LEAST GIVE US SOME ROOM?

PLEASE? THANK YOU.

Quentin: CAN I ASK YOU A

QUESTION?

Christian: MM-HMM.

Quentin: WHY'D YOU ASK ME HERE

WITH YOU INSTEAD OF SEAN?

Christian: I WAS JUST THINKING

THAT IF WE'RE GONNA BE PARTNERS,

THEN WE NEEDED TO BE ACTIVE IN

DEVELOPING OUR PROFESSIONAL

RELATIONSHIP.

BOTTOMS UP.

[GARY GROANS]

[PLEDGES MOANING AND WHIMPERING]

READY? 1...2...3...

Christian: SORRY. DID YOU READ

THE FILE?

Kit: ENOUGH OF IT.

Christian: CAN YOU GET HIM TO

TALK?

Kit: I THINK I CAN HANDLE A

TEENAGE BOY.

Sean: YOUR DAD IS AN EXCELLENT

SURGEON. AS SOON AS THE SWELLING

GOES DOWN, THE GIRLS WON'T

NOTICE A THING.

Julia: WHO'S THIS?

Christian: THIS IS KIT McGRAW.

SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE. SHE'S

ALSO A DETECTIVE IN THE, UH, SEX

CRIMES UNIT AT MIAMI-DADE.

Matt: WELL, THIS WASN'T A SEX

CRIME.

Sean: THIS WAS JUST A SIMPLE

SCHOOLYARD FIGHT. I MEAN, WHY

WOULD WE WASTE MS. McGRAW'S TIME

WITH IT?

Christian: BECAUSE NONE OF THE

DOUGHNUT-DUNKERS WHO HAVE

INTERVIEWED HIM HAVE EVEN COME

CLOSE TO FINDING OUT WHO DID

THIS. KIT IS THE BEST DETECTIVE

IN THE DEPARTMENT. SHE'S

HANDLING THE, UM--THE CARVER

CASE.

Kit: THIS IS STANDARD STUFF FOR

ME, MATT. THE FILE IS PRETTY

CLEAR, BUT I'D LIKE TO GO OVER

YOUR STORY AGAIN. THEY REALLY

DID A NUMBER ON YOU,

DIDN'T THEY?

Julia: MATT SAID IT WAS JUST

ONE GUY.

Kit: THE BRUISING ON HIS ARMS IS

INDICATIVE OF SOMEONE HOLDING

HIM DOWN WHILE AT LEAST ONE

OTHER PERSON WORKED OVER HIS

FACE. YOU SEEM LIKE A PRETTY

STRONG KID, BUT NOT EVEN YOU

COULD FIGHT OFF 3 OR 4 GUYS,

RIGHT, MATT?

Matt: WELL...I MEAN, I GUESS IT

COULD'VE BEEN MORE THAN ONE GUY.

AFTER THE FIRST SUCKER PUNCH, I

DON'T REALLY REMEMBER MUCH

EXCEPT FOR THE FISTS.

Kit: IN YOUR STATEMENT, YOU

DESCRIBED THE GUY--GUYS--AS

LATIN WITH SOME GANG TATTOOS.

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THEIR

GIRLFRIENDS LOOKED LIKE?

Matt: HOW THE HELL WOULD I

KNOW THAT?

Kit: THESE ARE FINGERNAIL MARKS.

WHEN MEN SCRATCH THEY CAUSE

SHALLOW, UNEVEN CUTS. THESE RUN

DEEP AND CONSISTENT. SOMEONE

WITH LONG MANICURED FINGERNAILS

DID THIS. I WISH THEY'D SCRAPED

THESE FOR POLISH.

Matt: YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER. LIKE

I SAID, I DON'T REMEMBER

ANYTHING. UM, WHAT IS THIS, MOM?

Julia: I THINK THIS IS ENOUGH,

MISS McGRAW. MATT SHOULD REST

NOW.

Kit: THANKS, MATT. I'LL, UH,

AMEND THE REPORT AND MAKE

SURE THE INVESTIGATING OFFICER

SEES IT.

Christian: WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

THAT'S IT?

Kit: HE DOESN'T WANNA TALK.

Christian: THAT DIDN'T STOP YOU

FROM STRAPPING THE ELECTRODES

TO MY NUTS.

Kit: HE'S JUST A KID, CHRISTIAN.

Christian: I DIDN'T BRING YOU

HERE TO PLAY TETHERBALL WITH

HIM, KIT.

Kit: YOU'RE TAKING THE LEASH

OFF? BECAUSE YOU MIGHT NOT LIKE

WHAT YOU HEAR.

HAVE YOU COMMITTED A CRIME IN

THE LAST FEW WEEKS, MATT? RAPE,

ASSAULT? SOMETHING TO PISS

SOMEONE OFF ENOUGH FOR THEM

TO SEEK REVENGE?

Matt: WHAT? NO.

Julia: MATT WAS THE VICTIM HERE.

Kit: MATT IS LYING, MRS.

McNAMARA. PEOPLE WHO GET

ASSAULTED FOR NO REASON DON'T

CONCEAL FACTS. THEY DON'T FORGET

HOW MANY PEOPLE ATTACKED THEM OR

IF THEY WERE MEN OR WOMEN.

THAT'S WHAT GUILTY PEOPLE WHO

WERE JUMPED FOR A REASON DO.

Sean: ARE YOU SAYING HE DID

SOMETHING TO PRECIPITATE THIS?

Matt: WHOA. I GOT JUMPED. I

CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE TAKING HER

WORD OVER MINE.

Kit: THE POLICE REPORT SAYS YOU

WERE SOAKING WET WHEN YOU WERE

DISCOVERED, MATT. THE LAB

RESULTS ON YOUR CLOTHES REVEALED

THAT THE FLUID COVERING YOUR

BODY WAS URINE.

Julia: WE WEREN'T TOLD THAT. DID

YOU KNOW THAT, SEAN?

Sean: NO. THAT'S NOT IN THE

FILE.

Kit: NOT YET, BUT YOU KNOW HOW

THAT WORKS, DOCTOR. YOU NEED LAB

RESULTS QUICKLY, YOU JUST NEED

TO KNOW WHO TO CALL. WHAT DID

YOU DO TO HER, MATT? DID YOU

SCREW HER BEST FRIEND, SLIP HER

A ROOFIE, RAPE HER? WHAT MADE

HER SO MAD THAT SHE AND A GROUP

OF HER GIRLFRIENDS FELT THE NEED

TO MESS UP YOUR PRETTY FACE AND

THEN PISS ALL OVER YOU?

Matt: YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT.

Kit: I KNOW THAT I'D LIE, TOO,

IF I HAD THE CRAP BEATEN OUT OF

ME BY A BUNCH OF CHEERLEADERS.

Matt: THEY WEREN'T CHEERLEADERS!

THEY WERE MEN!

THEY WERE MEN DRESSED AS WOMEN.

ONE OF THEM MADE A PASS AT ME

OUTSIDE OF A SHE-MALE BAR, AND

I BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF

HIM FOR IT. I GUESS THIS WAS

REVENGE.

Julia: WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT

A BAR FOR TRANSSEXUALS?

Matt: I WAS LOOKING FOR AVA.

[JULIA SIGHS]

>> MILITARY SCHOOL?

>> THE HUTTON ACADEMY IS NOT A

MILITARY SCHOOL, IT'S A

DISCIPLINARY INSTITUTION.

>> AND THE 2 PLUMS BETWEEN MY

LEGS ARE NOT BALLS, THEY'RE

TESTICLES. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT

YOU WANT THIS FOR HIM.

>> MATT NEEDS SOMETHING RADICAL,

SO UNLESS YOU HAVE ANY BETTER

SUGGESTIONS...

>> HE'S DEPRESSED AND HIGHLY

ANXIOUS. I SAW WE START HIM OFF

ON A LOW DOSAGE OF LUVOX, AND

XANAX FOR PANIC ATTACKS.

>> YOU'RE NOT STARTING HIM ON

ANYTHING. MATT'S NOT GONNA BE

ABLE TO FACE HIS ISSUES IF HE'S

IN A SEDATED HAZE.

>> THEY'RE NOT SEDATIVES, THEY

JUST HELP HIM RELAX ENOUGH SO

THAT HE CAN DEAL WITH WHAT'S

REALLY HURTING HIM.

>> I DON'T KNOW, CHRISTIAN.

MAYBE SEAN'S RIGHT. MATT NEEDS

STRUCTURE, AND, YOU KNOW, MAYBE

HUTTON WOULDN'T BE THE WORST

IDEA FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

>> YOU PUT HIM IN A STRAIGHT

JACKET, AND I SWEAR TO GOD, HE

WILL GNAW HIS ARMS OFF JUST TO

GET OUT OF IT.

>> WAKE UP, CHRISTIAN. OUR

CODDLING AND LAISSEZ-FAIRE

ATTITUDES LED TO HIM GETTING

PISSED ON BY A BUNCH OF

TRANSSEXUALS. KIDS WHOSE

PARENTS ARE ON TOP OF THEM DON'T

BEAT DOWN STRANGERS OUTSIDE OF

BARS.

>> I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS.

>> IT'S 2 TO ONE. YOU DON'T HAVE

A CHOICE.

>> YOU ALL RIGHT?

>> USED TO DO THIS WHEN HE WAS A

KID, WATCH HIM SLEEP.

>> WELL, HE'S GOING TO BE FINE.

YOUNG SKIN, VERY ELASTIC.

>> I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THE

OUTSIDE SCARS. THOSE I KNOW I

CAN FIX.

>> IS EVERY ONE OF YOUR

SCREW-UPS YOUR FATHER'S FAULT?

>> NO.

>> THEN YOU NEED TO STOP KILLING

YOURSELF ABOUT THIS. SHIT

HAPPENS. PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES.

YOU JUST NEED TO BLOW OFF SOME

STEAM, AND GET SOME PERSPECTIVE.

TAKE YOUR HEAD OUT OF THAT VISE.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, GIVE A

CALL.

>> HEY.

>> YEAH?

>> YOU WANNA GO GRAB SOME

STONE-CRABS?

>> I'D LOVE TO, BUT I HAVE

PLANS. I THINK CHRISTIAN'S STILL

HERE, THOUGH.

>> IF I CAN'T OFFER HIM NAKED

VICTORIA SECRET MODELS, AND A

CASE OF CRISTAL, I'M PERSONA-

NON-GRATA ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

>> DO YOU WANNA COME OUT WITH

ME?

>> IS THIS YOUR USUAL PARTY

SCENE?

>> NO. NO, EVEN I TEND TO SKEW A

LITTLE OLDER. CHRISTIAN AND I

WERE DOING SOME WORK OVER HERE

YESTERDAY. THE INVITE WAS A

THANK YOU.

>> YOU AND CHRISTIAN? HE DIDN'T

TELL ME ABOUT IT.

>> WELL, IT'S NO BIG DEAL. IT

WAS A COLLEGE PRANK GONE AWRY.

>> WE DON'T BELONG HERE, THESE

ARE JUST KIDS.

>> SEAN, THESE ARE FOUNTAINS OF

YOUTH. WE WORK ALL DAY ON

FLABBY, MIDDLE-AGED FLESH, BOOB

JOBS, TUMMY-TUCKS, LIPO...ALL WE

DO IS TRY TO MAKE 40-YEAR-OLDS

LOOK LIKE THESE GIRLS. YOU CAN

SAY THIS IS RESEARCH. HEY,

YOU'RE NOT A NERDY PRE-MED

ANYMORE, SEAN. YOU ARE A

HOT-SHIT PLASTIC SURGEON IN

REASONABLY EXPENSIVE SHOES.

THESE GIRLS ARE GONNA BE CLAWING

FOR YOU.

>> DOC, YOU MADE IT!

>> HEY.

>> HEY! IS DOCTOR TROY WITH YA?

>> NO, HE SENDS HIS REGRETS, AND

IS PARTNER DR. SEAN McNAMARA.

>> RIGHT ON! HEY, MAN.

>> HEY. WHAT ARE THE BRACELETS

FOR?

>> OH, IT'S A BRACELET PARTY.

THEY'RE COLOR CODED. SEE, EVERY

GIRL WHERE'S WHICH EVER COLOR

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR TONIGHT.

LIKE, BLUE MEANS THEY LIKE HEAD,

DOUBLE BLUE MEANS THEY LIKE 69,

PINK MEANS THEY'RE INTO GIRLS,

TOO. SORTA STREAMLINES THE WHOLE

PROCESS.

>> IS THERE A BRACELET FOR

GIRLS WHO LIKES GUYS TWICE THEIR

AGE?

>> GREEN. MEANS THEY LIKE MONEY.

>> COME ON.

>> HOW'S MATT, CHRISTIAN?

>> HE'S RECOVERING FASTER FROM

THE FIRST BEAT DOWN HE GOT THAN

THE ONE HE GOT FROM HERR McGRAW.

>> DON'T LET THIS SLIDE,

CHRISTIAN. THAT KID HAS SOME

DEEP-SEATED PROBLEMS.

>> I THINK I'LL SKIP THE

PARENTING ADVICE FROM THE GIRL

WHO LIKES TO SPANK ME WHILE I

CALL HER "DADDY."

>> EVERY GAY BASHER I'VE EVER

BUSTED WAS EXPRESSING SOMETHING

THEY COULDN'T SAFELY EXPRESS

SEXUALLY.

>> ARE YOU SUGGESTING THAT MATT

IS GAY?

>> I'M JUST SUGGESTING THAT HE

SHOULD TALK TO SOMEBODY.

>> 3 TICKETS TO THE VIN DIESEL

MOVIE.

>> OK.

>> I THOUGHT WE WERE SEEING JUDE

LAW.

>> I AM NOT SITTING THROUGH 3

HOURS OF JUDE LAW. DOESN'T HE

GET CASTRATED AT THE END THIS

ONE?

>> YOU ALWAYS GET TO CHOOSE THE

MOVIE. WE HAVEN'T SEEN A MOVIE I

LIKED IN 2 YEARS.

>> WELL, I'M SORRY IF THE MOVIES

I LIKE AREN'T THE CINEMATIC

MASTERPIECES YOU DIRECT, KIMBER.

>> THOSE MASTERPIECES GROSSED

MORE IN THE FIRST MONTH DVD

SALES THEN YOU MADE LAST YEAR,

ASSHOLE.

>> THIS IS YOUR FAULT. YOU'RE

CONSTANTLY WHISPERING IN HER

EAR, TRYING TO BOX ME OUT.

>> YOU'VE BEEN TREATING KIMBER

LIKE SHIT FOR YEARS. YOU SHOULD

BE THANKING ME FOR HELPING YOUR

RELATIONSHIP GROW BY MAKING SURE

SHE STANDS UP FOR HERSELF.

>> KIMBER AND I UNDERSTAND EACH

OTHER. WE'VE GOT A SHORTHAND.

>> YEAH, AND YOU'VE BEEN USING

IT TO SLAP HER IN THE ASS.

KIMBER'S NOT SOME BIMBO MODEL

ANYMORE. SHE DOESN'T NEED YOU.

YOU WANNA KEEP HER AROUND, I

RECOMMEND THAT YOU CHOOSE YOUR

MOVES, AND YOUR MOVIES, MORE

CAREFULLY. CHEER UP. IF YOU'RE

GOOD, I'LL GIVE YOU A HANDJOB IN

AN HOUR OR 2.

>> 2 FOR THE ONE WHERE THE GUY

GETS HIS BALLS CUT OFF.

>> HERE YOU GO.

>> JERK EACH OTHER OFF.

>> HI.

>> HI.

>> I'M AMBER.

>> SEAN. MY TIE. WHAT DO THE

BRAIDED ONES MEAN?

>> THAT MEANS FOR THE RIGHT GUY,

I'D DO ANYTHING. THANK YOU.

CHEERS.

>> I'M HAPPY TO GIVE YOU A

CURSORY EXAMINATION, AMBER, BUT

I CAN TELL YOU BEFORE I EVEN

LOOK YOU DO NOT NEED

LIPOSUCTION.

WAIT. NOW, COME ON. I'M OLD

ENOUGH TO BE YOUR FATHER.

>> AGE IS JUST A STATE OF MIND.

MY MEDIEVAL LIT PROFESSOR TAUGHT

ME THAT. I SLEPT WITH HIM, TOO.

DO ALL SURGEONS HAVE SUCH GREAT

HANDS?

>> DO ALL ANTHROPOLOGY MAJORS

HAVE SUCH GREAT BREASTS?

>> YOU ARE CUTE.

>> HI. DO YOU GUYS MIND IF WE

USE THE BED?

>> OH, NO PROBLEM.

[QUENTIN MOANING LOUDLY]

>> UM, I'M SORRY. I'VE GOT TO

GO. SORRY.

>> LOOKING FOR SOMEONE? HOW DOES

IT FEEL?

>> IT THROBS A LITTLE.

>> THIS'LL HELP.

>> ARE YOU PISSED AT ME FOR

WANTING THAT OTHER GUY TO DO MY

SURGERY?

>> BIOLOGY ASIDE, MATTIE, WE'RE

FRIENDS. TAKES A LOT MORE THAN

THAT TO PISS OFF A FRIEND.

>> WHAT ABOUT MOM AND DAD?

>> THEY'RE NOT QUITE SO HIGH ON

YOU RIGHT NOW. THEY WANNA SEND

YOU TO HUTTON ACADEMY FOR THE

REST OF THE SEMESTER.

>> THAT PLACE IS A PRISON CAMP,

MAN. THEY CAN'T DO THAT.

>> TECHNICALLY, THEY CAN, BUT

WE'RE NOT GONNA LET 'EM. TO MAKE

THE SITUATION RIGHT, YOU AND I

HAVE TO WORK AS A TEAM. THIS IS

AN ANTIDEPRESSANT. TAKE ONE

TABLET EVERY MORNING. THIS IS

FOR ANXIETY ATTACKS. TAKE ONE

TABLET EVERY TIME YOU FEEL LIKE

YOU'RE LOSING IT. BUT NO BOOZE

WITH THESE? HMM?

>> OK.

>> NOT SO FAST.

WE'RE TEAMMATES, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.

>> I WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT

YOU AND EVA. WERE YOU COMPLETELY

FOOLED OR WAS THERE SOMETHING

ABOUT HER BEING A MAN THAT

WORKED FOR YOU?

>> WHY DOES EVERYONE SUDDENLY

THINK I'M GAY?

>> BECAUSE YOU AND I BOTH KNOW

YOU DIDN'T GO TO THAT TRANNY BAR

BELIEVING YOU'D ACTUALLY FIND

HER.

LOOK, IT'S TOTALLY COOL WITH ME

IF YOU ARE.

>> LOOK, I LIKE GIRLS, OK?

I LIKED EVA BECAUSE I THOUGHT

SHE WAS ONE.

>> I GUESS SOMEONE WITH YOUR

LIMITED EXPERIENCE COULD BE

FOOLED BY HER. IT WAS ONLY

THROUGH MY EXTENSIVE VAGINAL

EXPERTISE THAT I REALIZED I WAS

INSIDE SOMETHING ARTIFICIAL.

>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN INSIDE?

DID YOU SLEEP WITH HER?

>> JUST ONCE.

HOW ELSE DO YOU THINK WE

REALIZED SHE WAS A POST-OP?

>> YOU CALL YOURSELF A FRIEND?!

HEY! FRIENDS DON'T SLEEP WITH

EACH OTHER'S GIRLFRIENDS!

OH, WAIT. BUT I GUESS YOU HAVE

A HABIT OF DOING THAT, DON'T

YOU?

>> I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM

HER, YOU LITTLE SHIT.

I THOUGHT THAT IF SHE HAD SEX

WITH ME, YOU WOULD SEE HER FOR

THE MANIPULATIVE SLUT THAT SHE

IS.

>> OH? AND HOW DID YOU THINK I

WAS GONNA FEEL ABOUT YOU

AFTERWARDS?

>> I DIDN'T CARE! I'D RATHER YOU

HATE ME THAN SEE YOU DESTROY

YOURSELF.

>> LET HER GO.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> OH, I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST

PICKING UP A COUPLE OF THINGS TO

BRING TO MATT, YOU KNOW, MAKE

HIM FEEL MORE AT HOME.

I GUESS I'VE BEEN LINGERING.

>> I KNOW THE FEELING.

I ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP IN HERE

LAST NIGHT.

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO US, SEAN?

YOU KNOW, I LOOK AT HIS BED,

AND I REMEMBER THE 3 OF US

SPENDING ALL DAY IN THAT DAMN

FURNITURE SHOWROOM HAGGLING OVER

$200, REMEMBER, WITH THE

SALESMAN WEARING THE BAD TOUPEE.

>> [LAUGHS] OH, GOD.

>> [SIGHS] THOSE PARENTS WOULD

HAVE NEVER LET THIS ALL HAPPEN.

THEY WERE NAIVE, BUT...

THEY LOVED EACH OTHER.

>> THERE'S STILL LOVE, JULIE.

IT'S JUST...

IT'S JUST BURIED UNDER ALL

THIS...SHIT.

>> LOOK WHAT I FOUND AT THE

BOTTOM OF THE DESK DRAWER.

>> "HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO DR.

AND MRS. PERFECT, LOVE MATT...

YOUR SON." HA! THAT'S GREAT.

WHEN IS THIS FROM?

>> FOURTH GRADE.

[SIGHS]

>> I SHOULDN'T HAVE BLAMED YOU

FOR ALL THIS.

JUST TELL ME EVERYTHING'S GONNA

BE ALL RIGHT.

>> EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE ALL

RIGHT.

[PASSIONATE MOANING]

>> VERY NICE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> I THOUGHT I'D CHECK MYSELF

OUT. I DON'T CARE HOW EXPENSIVE

THE SHEETS ARE IN THAT RECOVERY

SPA, IT STILL SMELLS LIKE A DAMN

HOSPITAL.

>> THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS A

HOSPITAL, MATT, FOR PATIENTS

THAT NEED AROUND-THE-CLOCK

MONITORING. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

BE ON IV FLUIDS FOR 2 MORE DAYS.

>> I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D WANT ME

THERE. WHAT'S THE MATTER,

YOUR OWN BED HAVE TOO MANY BAD

MEMORIES?

>> THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS

LIKE, MATT.

>> HEY, IT'S COOL. IF YOU GUYS

WANNA GIVE IT ANOTHER GO...

>> NO, WE'RE NOT GIVING IT

ANOTHER GO. IT WAS A ONE-TIME

THING.

>> I'M GONNA GO PUT CLEAN SHEETS

ON MY BED...AND TAKE A NAP.

>> XANEX?!

WHO PRESCRIBED THESE FOR YOU?

>> MY DAD.

SEE, THAT'S THE ADVANTAGE OF

HAVING 3 PARENTS. YOU CAN ALWAYS

BE SURE THAT ONE'S GONNA GIVE

YOU WHAT YOU NEED.

>> HEY--

>> HEY! DON'T PUT YOUR HANDS

ON ME!

>> THESE DRUGS ARE ONLY GONNA

STOP YOUR PAIN TEMPORARILY.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA HELP YOU DEAL

WITH YOUR REAL PROBLEMS.

>> YOU MIGHT THINK YOU OUTRANK

EVERYONE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I NEED

RIGHT NOW.

>> THEN TELL US, MATT.

WE'RE YOUR PARENTS. WE'RE NOT

THE ENEMY.

>> YES, TELL ME. DO YOU NEED ME

TO HUG YOU? HIT YOU? WHATEVER IT

TAKES TO GET YOU BACK, I'LL DO

IT.

>> THEN GIVE ME MY PILLS AND

LEAVE ME ALONE.

>> I CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU'RE IN NO CONDITION TO BE

SELF-MEDICATING.

>> DON'T ASK ME WHAT I NEED IF

YOU'RE NOT WILLING TO GIVE IT TO

ME, ALL RIGHT?

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Christian: GOT IT.

>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOOK

THOSE FRAT BOYS UP ON THEIR

OFFER. ROCKIN' THE CRADLE OF

LOVE, HUH?

>> YEAH. IT WAS ALMOST TOO EASY.

WE WERE LIKE THESE TWO VULVA

MAGNETS.

>> WE?

>> YEAH. SEAN CAME WITH ME.

>> SEAN? I...CAN'T SEE SEAN

ENJOYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> WELL, TELL THAT TO THE CO-ED

WHO HAD HER HEAD ON HIS LAP.

>> I WISH I HAD THE ENERGY FOR A

LITTLE VAGINA U, BUT, UH...

I GOT MY HANDS FULL AT HOME.

>> OH? GIRLFRIEND?

>> MY GIRLFRIEND I CAN HANDLE.

IT'S MY GIRLFRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND

THAT'S WIPING ME OUT.

>> [CHUCKLES] YOU ARE MY IDOL.

HOW DO YOU GET UP FOR WORK?

>> THE SEX ISN'T THE TIRING

PART. IT'S THE CONSTANT

JOCKEYING FOR POSITION.

I FIND MYSELF FIGHTING NONSTOP

TO KEEP MY STATUS AS COCK OF THE

WALK.

>> I KNOW. SOUNDS LIKE QUITE A

BURDEN. HEY, ANYTIME I CAN HELP

YOU OUT...

>> HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?

I'M SERIOUS. I--I NEED A BREAK.

COME TAKE KIT OFF MY HANDS FOR

THE NIGHT, HMM? COLLEGE BJ's

ARE NICE, Q, BUT, UH, AIM A

LITTLE HIGHER.

>> CHRISTIAN, ARE YOU SURE

THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY

JEALOUSY? I'D HATE TO HAVE

THINGS BE AWKWARD AROUND HERE.

>> [LAUGHS] HARDLY.

I'D CONSIDER IT A...

PERSONAL FAVOR.

[ALL LAUGHING]

>> SO, CHRISTIAN TELLS ME THAT

YOU'RE WORKING THE CARVER CASE.

ANY LEADS?

>> SOME.

YOU'VE GOT TO STALK HIS KIND OF

PREDATOR. IT TAKES TIME.

MY LAST CASE TOOK 2 YEARS.

SOME PSYCHO NEAR STEPNEY GREEN

WHO GOT OFF ON ATTACKING

COUPLES. HE'D TIE THE MAN UP

AND THEN MAKE HIM WATCH AS HE

RAPED THE GIRL.

>> WELL, THERE'S A FETISH FOR

EVERYONE, ISN'T THERE?

I'M SORRY, KIMBER, UH...

THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING.

I'M COMPLETELY STAR-STRUCK.

I--I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR MOVIES.

>> HOW SWEET.

I HAVE A NEW SERIES COMING UP.

IT'S CALLED TWO GIRLS, A GUY,

AND A CUM FACE. IT'S LOOSELY

BASED ON OUR PERSONAL

EXPERIENCES.

>> WE'LL BE SURE TO SEND YOU

THE DVDs.

>> PORN'S FOR FAT KIDS.

WHY NOT OFFER HIM THE REAL

THING?

>> I--I WOULDN'T WANT TO IMPOSE.

>> CHRISTIAN WON'T MIND A FRIEND

LENDING A HAND.

>> NOT AT ALL. QUENTIN, IF

THAT'S WHAT KIT WANTS,

SHE'S ALL YOURS.

>> IF YOU LIKE HER MOVIES,

WAIT 'TIL YOU HAVE HER WHEN

SHE'S NOT ACTING. SHE TASTES

LIKE HOME MAPLE SYRUP.

>> KIMBER ISN'T A CONDIMENT FROM

IHOP, SWEETHEART.

SHE'S NOT TO BE PASSED AROUND

THE TABLE.

IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO INVITE

HIM INTO OUR ARRANGEMENT, KIT.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT, CHRISTIAN.

WE NEED A MAJORITY. WOULD YOU

LIKE US TO MAKE LOVE TO QUENTIN

TONIGHT, BABY?

>> SURE. WHY NOT?

>> THEN IT'S DECIDED.

UNLESS YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE,

CHRISTIAN. OR INTIMIDATED.

>> BABY, DON'T WORRY. IF HE'S

TAKING CARE OF HER, THEN I CAN

HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF AGAIN.

>> TO, UM, EVEN NUMBERS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

>> HELLO?

>> IS MATT THERE?

>> NO, WHAT'S WRONG?

>> WHAT'S WRONG IS THAT OUR SON

HAS POLISHED OFF OUR ENTIRE

LIQUOR CABINET.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS HIM?

>> RIGHT, JULIA, I SHOULDN'T

ASSUME. MAYBE THE BOOZE ELVES

HAD A BIG BLOWOUT WHILE I WAS

AT WORK!

>> OH, JESUS, HE KNOWS HE'S NOT

SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING.

>> IF MATT SHOWS UP THERE, TELL

HIM I EXPECT HIM AND YOU AND

CHRISTIAN OVER HERE TOMORROW

NIGHT TO SETTLE THIS.

[HEAVY BREATHING AND MOANING]

>> WHAT'S WRONG?

>> TELL ME THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT,

QUENTIN.

>> RELAX, CHRISTIAN. WE'RE ALL

JUST HAVING A GOOD TIME.

>> NO, I NEED TO HEAR HIM SAY

IT. I NEED TO HEAR HIM SAY THAT

HE DID NOT MEAN TO GRAB MY ASS.

>> I THINK I SHOULD GO.

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT

YOU WERE BI?

>> YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THE

SPECIFICS OF YOUR SEX LIFE

UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON. FRANKLY,

I ASSUMED YOU WERE, TOO.

>> WELL, I'M NOT.

>> WELL, THIS IS MY FAULT.

I BROKE RULE NUMBER ONE.

NEVER CUM WHERE YOU EAT.

THANK YOU FOR A LOVELY EVENING.

YOU'RE BOTH INCREDIBLE.

>> WELL THEN, CHRISTIAN.

>> GET OUT OF MY BED.

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> I'M TIRED OF ALL THIS 3-WAY

BULLSHIT. I WANT MY GIRLFRIEND

BACK. SHE'S MINE.

>> KIMBER ISN'T A POSSESSION,

CHRISTIAN. SHE DOESN'T BELONG

TO YOU.

>> YES, I DO.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, AND YOU'RE

REALLY AMAZING, KIT, BUT I

AGREED TO LET YOU JOIN US

BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP

MAKE CHRISTIAN FEEL BETTER.

NOW HE DOES. I LIKE YOU, BUT

I LOVE HIM.

>> I HAD HIGHER EXPECTATIONS

OF YOU, CHRISTIAN, BUT THE TRUTH

IS, YOU'RE NOTHING MORE THAN

A DOMESTICATED HOUSE CAT WITH

AN EXPENSIVE HAIRCUT AND

NO SENSE OF ADVENTURE.

>> DOMESTICATED OR NOT,

THERE'S NO PUSSY FOR YOU HERE.

GO FIND ONE SOMEPLACE ELSE.

>> YOU'LL NEVER FEEL TRULY SAFE

WITH HIM, KIMBER.

>> MATT WILL BE AT MY HOUSE

AT 7:00. I'LL GET TAKEOUT.

>> DON'T ORDER FOR ME.

I WON'T BE THERE.

>> THIS IS IMPORTANT, CHRISTIAN.

>> WHICH IS WHY HE NEEDS HIS

PARENTS THERE. HIS REAL PARENTS.

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO

MR. HANDS-ON DAD?

>> THREES DON'T WORK.

SOME OLD CUSTOMS ARE STILL

AROUND FOR GOOD REASON.

ONE WIFE, ONE HUSBAND,

TWO PARENTS.

>> IT WOULD HELP US TO HAVE YOU

THERE. HE RESPECTS YOUR OPINION

MORE THAN ANY OF OURS RIGHT NOW.

I'VE GOT AN 8:30 LIFT

WITH QUENTIN.

>> MAKE SURE YOU DON'T DROP

THE SCALPEL. OUR NEW PARTNER...

PLAYS FOR BOTH TEAMS.

>> YOU'RE JOKING.

>> MM-HMM.

>> HOW DO YOU KNOW?

>> HE MADE A PASS AT ME LAST

NIGHT.

>> YOU SURE IT WAS A PASS?

COULD YOU HAVE MISCONSTRUED

SOMETHING?

>> I'VE NEVER HAD A BUDDY TRY TO

SNAKE HIS PINKIE UP MY ASS JUST

FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES.

>> I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING

WEIRD ABOUT THE WAY HE WAS

LOOKING AT ME AT THAT PARTY.

>> MAKES SENSE. I THINK HE'S

GOT A LITTLE MAN-CRUSH ON YOU.

>> ON ME?! YOU'RE THE ONE HE

TRIED TO SCREW.

>> SOMEBODY TELL A GOOD JOKE?

>> NO, JUST SOMETHING I SAW IN

THE PAPER THIS MORNING.

>> OH. IT MUST HAVE BEEN

A PRETTY FUNNY ARTICLE.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> UH, HEY...

DID EITHER OF YOU READ THE

ARTICLE LAST WEEK ABOUT THE

OHIO STATE SUPREME COURT RULING

THAT UPHELD A $6 MILLION AWARD

TO A BISEXUAL WOMAN WHO ACCUSED

THE LAW OFFICES WHERE SHE WAS

CLERKING OF TURNING HER SEXUAL

PRACTICES INTO WATER COOLER

GOSSIP?

IT WAS A LANDMARK CASE.

$6 MILLION. THAT SETS A

MOTHERLODE OF A PRECEDENT, EH?

BASICALLY SHUT THE FIRM DOWN.

SEE YOU IN SURGERY.

Julia: OH, GOD.

MATT, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE

2 HOURS AGO.

>> OH, I MUST HAVE LOST TRACK

OF TIME.

>> MATTIE, THIS IS SERIOUS.

>> OH, I'M SURE IT IS, MAN,

BUT, UH, MY FACE IS KILLING ME,

SO MAYBE WE CAN GET TOGETHER

AT THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

CHRISTMAS PARTY, HUH?

>> THAT'S ENOUGH, MATT.

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING AGAIN?

>> YEAH, JUST A COUPLE OF BEERS.

>> WHO ARE YOU? I DON'T EVEN

RECOGNIZE YOU ANYMORE.

>> THAT'S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU ALL

LOOK SO FAMILIAR TO ME.

>> EVERYTHING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH

IS SOME KIND OF SNIDE, SMARTASS

COMMENT. WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?

>> WELL, UH, LET'S SEE. IN THE

PAST COUPLE OF MONTHS, I FOUND

OUT THAT MY DAD'S BEST FRIEND

IS MY REAL DAD, MY OLD DAD BEAT

THE CRAP OUT OF MY MOM AND THREW

HER OUT OF THE HOUSE, MY PARENTS

RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE

ONLY WOMAN I'VE EVER LOVED AND

THEN LET IT SLIP THAT NOT ONLY

WAS SHE A MAN, BUT THAT ONE OF

THEM SLEPT WITH HER.

IS THAT ENOUGH? OR SHOULD I

GO ON?

>> WE UNDERSTAND, MATT, AND

THAT'S WHY WE'VE CALLED THIS

MEETING TO TALK THROUGH YOUR

FEELINGS ABOUT EVERYTHING

THAT'S HAPPENED.

>> WE KNOW WE SCREWED THE POOCH.

THIS IS OUR CHANCE TO MAKE IT

RIGHT.

>> TO BE A FAMILY AGAIN.

>> YOU WANT A FAMILY? YOU FIND

SOMEONE SICK ENOUGH TO WANT ONE

WITH YOU.

>> LISTEN, YOU THINK YOU'RE

A MAN? YOU WANT TO HEAR IT

LIKE A MAN? YOUR MOTHER AND I

SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR YOU.

SHE BURIED HER DREAMS AND I SOLD

MY SOUL TO THAT BUSINESS SO THAT

WE COULD PROVIDE YOU WITH THE

THINGS WE DIDN'T HAVE.

DON'T TELL ME WE'VE TURNED YOU

INTO THIS! WE'VE GIVEN OUR LIVES

FOR THIS FAMILY! YOU DON'T HAVE

THE RIGHT TO WALK OUT ON IT!

>> WATCH ME.

>> MATTIE, PLEASE--

OH, GOD!

NO!

>> YOU WOULDN'T DARE MESS UP

YOUR PERFECT WORK.

>> I ALREADY HAVE.

>> OH!

>> OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD!

>> AAH!

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--]