Original subtitles

[WIND WHISTLING]

LOBE: Norm!

Abram!

[CRASHING] [CAT HOWLS]

[LOBE YELLING]

Lobe?

You've been in there for days.

Don't you wanna come out?

[CRASHING]

We got a delicious and yummy pizza here, Lobe.

Leave me alone.

Make sure the cleat is centered on the top's underside.

Centered on the top's underside, yes.

Talk to me, Norm.

Come on, Abram.

Finally, secure the cleat to the top with screws...

...counter-bored slightly, so they stay hidden.

Secure cleat to top.

[DRILL WHIRRING]

And there you have it. A candle stand you can be proud of.

Ahh...

No.

No!

[YELLING]

[CHOKING]

[LOBE WHIMPERING]

I'm not going to mince words with you, gentlemen.

The Lobe's not feeling good.

Tell it to us straight, doc. What's he got?

Carpenteria.

You see, he wants desperately to be a carpenter...

...to build things with wood.

But he has absolutely no facility for it.

This creates in him a conflict which leads to screaming, hissy fits and so on.

Couldn't you rub a salve or an ointment on him?

- Be quiet. - We'd like to see him...

...if that's all right.

Give him no ointment.

How you feeling, Lobe?

Just dandy.

Boss, we're so sorry that you got...

...carpenteria.

[SOBBING]

What's so important about working with wood anyway?

You'll get another hobby, you'll see.

A hobby?

It's not a hobby, you oafish cretin.

- That's the carpenteria talking. - Don't you understand?

I'm trying to learn the art of fine carpentry...

...so I can build this.

The Lobe Finestra 3000...

...my greatest invention.

Once constructed, it will render the world powerless against me.

- How? - It just will, okay?

But because of its specific resonating frequency...

...it must be constructed entirely of wood. And it's become all too apparent...

...I don't possess the skill necessary to build it.

But I know someone who does.

Uh, who, boss?

The world's greatest carpenter.

The wizard of wood, the sultan of sawing.

The monarch of molding, the duke of dado.

Get me Norm Abram!

Sign it, "To Joe, the announcer.

I think you're one of the best announcers I've ever heard.

- And I'm not just saying that." - There you go.

Thanks, Norm.

[SIGHS]

To Hank.

Wow. This is one of the coolest things we've ever done.

I'm so excited my head's gonna explode.

Hey. We didn't bring any wood.

What are we gonna get Norm to autograph?

How about our safety glasses?

Cool.

[GIGGLING]

We're up.

I can't do it.

Cosgrove, it's okay, buddy.

I'm with you, don't be nervous.

No, I can't do it.

I'm gonna embarrass myself.

I just know it.

Cosgrove, he's a normal, regular guy just like everyone...

Norm Abram!

I'm touching Norm Abram.

I'm hugging Norm Abram.

I'm holding Norm Abram above my head.

Cut it out, Freakazoid.

[CHUCKLES]

Would you mind autographing our safety glasses?

Sure.

Make mine to Cosgrove.

And I'm Freaka...

Freaka... Frea...

Freak...

[GIBBERING]

- He's Freakazoid. - There you go.

- Thanks. - Thanks.

Told you there wasn't anything to be nervous about.

Mm-mm-mm.

Hello there...

...Mr. Abram.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

Sounds like trouble.

[SCREAMING]

FREAKAZOID: What happened?

They took Norm.

They kidnapped Norm Abram.

And I was next!

Yes, I despised Sir Jeffrey.

But I didn't kill him.

Be that as it may, my dear woman...

...the fact remains...

...someone in this room did.

[MAN YELLS]

If you think I killed Sir Jeffrey, you're sadly mistaken.

With Sir Jeffrey gone...

...you stand to gain controlling interest of his gassy helium.

You had a motive.

You all had a motive.

You can't possibly suspect me, Sioro.

I'm much too chubby.

Corpulence is hardly an alibi for murder, Lord Pringle.

Well, what about him?

You have been rather quiet this evening.

Perhaps you're trying to hide something, yes?

I think I'm in the wrong show.

Sorry, wrong show.

Okay, what do we got?

Well, a bunch of people saw the two men that took Norm.

Using their description...

...I was able to come up with this composite sketch.

I've faxed it to law-enforcement agencies around the world.

Great.

I think I might have come up with something interesting.

Muffins made entirely of dill weed.

- So? - Must you pounce on all my ideas?

[SOBBING]

[PHONE RINGS]

The Freak-A-Phone.

- Freakazoid. - Inspector Hogan, Scotland Yard.

Look, I got your fax, old boy, and, well, um...

...I think I just may have those two men you're looking for.

NARRATOR: And now, back to our story.

I didn't kill Sir Jeffrey.

I meant the other story.

Well, Mr. Abram...

...think you can build it?

Yeah. I can build it.

- Wonderful. - But I won't.

When I became a carpenter, I took an oath.

I promised to only use my skills for the forces of good.

We'll just see about that.

Ooh...

Beautiful, isn't it?

Milled from the finest birch.

Not a flaw, not one imperfection, absolutely perfect.

It really would be quite a shame if something...

...unsavory happened to it, eh, Norm?

- Hmm? - All right, I'll do it.

I knew you'd see it my way.

You're an evil man.

You're too kind.

Take him to the workshop.

Almost time for my guests.

Okay, let's run it again from the top.

One: Norm Abram is gone. Two...

We don't have a "two."

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Now, I have been mulling this whole thing over...

...and I think I know what happened to Norm.

- Pixy people. - What?

Hear me out, Freakazoid.

The government's covered up their existence for years.

Now, here's my scenario.

JONES: The pixy people live in the center of the Earth.

And owing to a strange atmospheric phenomenon...

...the only television program they can get...

...is Norm Abram's carpentry show.

- Ooh, Norm. - Now, one day...

...the pixy king was crushed by a boulder.

He wasn't killed, but a new leader had to be chosen.

So they came up here...

...kidnapped Norm Abram...

...then took him down to their cavern...

...where he's now the pixy king.

What do you think?

One: Norm Abram is gone. Two...

We don't have a "two."

It's amazing.

The craftsmanship, the detail.

Exquisite work, Norm. You're a genius, old boy.

You'll never get away with it, Lobe.

Ha-ha-ha. Will too.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Ah, my guests.

Welcome, welcome one and all.

Cave Guy, Longhorn, good to see you.

Cobra Queen.

That wasn't poisonous, was it? Ha-ha-ha.

Hello, Jack.

- Jeepers. - Ha-ha-ha.

Invisibo, good not to see you. Ha-ha-ha.

INVISIBO: Yes.

Guitierrez.

I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of being in an episode with you before.

No, I usually like to be the star.

But in this case, I have made an exception.

Glad you did. Have a party hat.

[CHATTERING]

INVISIBO: Now, where are those devilish crackers I so love?

All the drywall had to be redone.

The spa worked, maybe once.

This contractor was...

Oh, I can't even talk about it, I get so upset.

LOBE: Attention.

Did everyone get their raffle ticket?

Good, then I guess it's time to call the guest of honor.

Freakazoid, please.

Speaking.

Norm Abram! Where?

Places, everyone, places.

[MUMBLING]

Shh. We don't want to ruin the surprise.

Hello? Norm?

Norm, are you here?

[FREAKAZOID YELLING]

ALL: Surprise!

[GRUNTING]

Any last words, old boy?

I'm not scared of you weenies.

Don't say the weenie word.

You should be scared, Freakazoid.

Because, thanks to Norm Abram's master craftsmanship...

...in a matter of moments, you will cease to exist.

Everything has a frequency at which it falls apart.

Breaks down. Crumbles.

And this amazingly beautiful woodwind instrument is tuned...

...to yours.

One swift, sharp blow into this mouthpiece...

...and you'll be pulverized.

[CHEERING]

Scared now, Freakazoid?

A smooch.

Raffle time.

Raffle time.

What's the prize?

The winner gets to blow the horn...

...and blast Freakazoid to bits.

Seven, one, three...

...nine, four...

...four, one, five...

...one, four, seven.

I won. I won.

Go, girlfriend.

I can't believe it, I never win anything.

Oh, what a shock.

I have to catch my breath. Oh.

Whenever you're ready, Mr. Lucky.

[GRUNTING]

Guitierrez. Don't do it.

Think about when you were a nice guy.

I was never a nice guy.

Now, shh.

Count me down.

It's much more dramatic that way.

ALL: Five...

...four, three...

...two, one...

...blow!

I don't think so, punk.

The carpenter's loose.

COBRA QUEEN: Get him!

- Let's rock 'n' roll. - You got it, Norm.

[GROWLING]

[RO ARING]

Can't we talk about this?

I promise to always be humane...

...to woods of every kind.

Go ahead, it's your show.

[YELLING]

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's our last new show this season.

I wanna thank our special guest, Mr. Norm Abram.

Thanks, folks, and remember this:

Be sure to read, understand and follow...

...all the safety rules that come with your power tools.

Knowing how to use your power tools properly...

...will greatly reduce the risk of personal injury.

And remember this:

There is no more important safety rule...

...than to wear these, safety glasses.

I also wanna thank all the villains on our show.

Haven't they been great sports?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

And of course, let's not forget my buddy, Cosgrove...

...my mentor, Roddy MacStew...

...my manservant, Professor Jones...

...my girlfriend, Steff...

...my mom, dad, jerky brother Duncan...

...my cat, Mr. Chubbikins...

...our executive producer, Steven Spielberg...

...and our very own announcer, Mr. Joe Leahy.

AUDIENCE [CHANTING]: Joe! Joe! Joe!

And now, before we go...

...we'd like to leave you with this thought:

[SINGING "WE'LL MEET AGAIN"]

[SOBBING]

[SOBBING]

Everybody.

[SINGING]

You're an evil man.

[ENGLISH SDH]