Original subtitles

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

ANNOUNCER: Please stay tuned.

[CRASHING]

MAN: Look out!

Quick, get it back up! Hurry!

ANNOUNCER: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stay tuned.

MAN: Are we all clear?

Okay, we're all clear. Great. All right, hit the red button.

[BEEP]

No, not that button!

[ALARM BLARING, PEOPLE SCREAM, OBJECTS CRASHING]

ANNOUNCER: And now, Freakazoid!

MAN: Spirit gum.

Ear.

Wig.

[ORGAN PLAYS EERIE INTRO]

[SINGING] All around the mulberry bush

Guitierrez chased the weenie

The weenie thought 'twas all in fun Crunch goes the weenie

[CACKLING]

Laugh with me.

[CACKLING]

[RO ARING]

Hmph. Summon Hero Boy, both of you.

BOTH: Hmph!

BOTH [SINGING IN HIGH VOICE]: Hero Boy

Hero Boy

Hero Boy

That is I.

[GUNSHOTS]

- I must succeed. - I must succeed.

[YELLING]

[SCREAMS THEN GRO ANS]

I would say you did well, don't you think?

- I did not try hard enough. - I would say you did very nicely, though.

And the force of your punches, my word.

- The monster must've found it quite jarring. - I have failed to succeed.

That's true. I agree you have failed to destroy the monster.

And that's really too bad. But you have succeeded in giving us a nice, good laugh.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hero Boy, indeed.

Bad Japanese animation. That's what it is.

- Hey, I like that show. - Don't get me started.

Oh, this videotape just arrived.

- The messenger said it was urgent. - Hmm.

- Put it in. - I would.

But my back, it's rather delicate today.

[TAPE SLIDES IN]

[SCREAMS]

Hello, Freakazoid, my old, dear friend.

Guitierrez.

It has been much too long, my friend, since we have exchanged...

...um, cordialities face to face.

- That's not a word. - Shh.

This is something I wish to rectify lickety-split.

Meet me at the old, deserted wiener factory near the wharf.

- We don't have a wharf. - Shh.

If you are not here by precisely 1 p.m., I will have...

Jocko, hold the camera still.

JOCKO: Eeee.

I will have no choice...

...but to immediately vaporize the entire world and everyone in it.

One p.m., my friend.

Goodbye.

- Jocko, fade out already. JOCKO: Eeee.

Nut bunnies. Only eight minutes.

I must succeed.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[HORN HONKS TWICE]

Hey, Freakazoid, wanna go to Spumoniland?

GUITIERREZ: If you are not here by 1 p.m., I shall vaporize the world.

Okay, real quick.

Slow down, kid. Your tummy's gonna get all urpy.

No time.

[SLURPS]

I must succeed.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Nasty litterbugs.

[CAR SPUTTERING]

Nut bunnies.

[TIRES SCREECH]

- Fill her up. Hurry. - Did you say, "Fill her up"?

[WHISTLES]

ALL [SINGING]: If you want service with a smile

We will go that extra mile

- We clean windows - Fill the tank

- Wax the hood - No need to thank

ALL: Gasigo, we're at your service Gasigo, that is our purpose

Gasigo, we love your car Gasigo, we're never far

Hey, I really gotta go.

But we... You know, we haven't finished our song.

Gasigo, we're here to please you Gasigo, we'll never leave you

G-A-S-l-G-O

Gasigo

So put us to the test We will strive to do our best

FREAKAZOID: No.

I'm here. Don't do it.

GUITIERREZ: Ah.

Jocko, prepare a sandwich for our guest. He must be hungry from his long journey.

Now, Jocko, now.

Eeee.

You'll have to excuse Jocko. He used to work for Bobby Knight.

- Okay, I'm here. Now, what do you want? - I want to introduce you to someone.

Freakazoid, meet Freakazoid.

- Amazing, is it not? - It's delicious.

- Not the sandwich. My Freakaclone. FREAKAZOID: It's okay, I guess.

- What's in this? Pimento loaf? - Oh, stop with the sandwich.

Using your genetic code from cyberspace, I was able to create the Freakaclone.

Perfect in every detail, right down to the snazzy red tights.

- Think Jocko could make me another one? - Oh, enough with the sandwich.

Forget the sandwich.

Okay. Half a sandwich?

[GRUNTS]

Now, can we please move on to more important topics of conversation?

Or do you want to talk about the sandwich some more?

A little more.

[YELLS]

What am I? Moe Howard? Oooh!

Freakazoid, you make me crazy.

All the more reason I shall enjoy seeing you writhe in agony...

...as you watch my Freakaclone carry out its mission.

What's "writhe" mean?

I mean that our friend here is going to replace you, Freakazoid.

He's about to venture into the world posing as you...

...do terrible things, awful things...

...destroying what you value the most: Your reputation.

And where am I supposed to be while he's doing all this stuff? Here?

Ha-ha. That is the plan. Behold, the purest kryptonite.

Feeling weak, my friend? Oh, so weak?

That's Superman's weakness, not mine.

- Really? - Yeah. Duh.

Oh, that stupid man at the store.

Well, then, how about this?

Does the yellow hurt your eyes, my friend?

Getting weak? Oh, so very weak?

- That's the Green Lantern. - Oh, shoot.

Then how about some water in your face? Are you melting?

- Melting, my friend? - That's the Wicked Witch.

Oh, we're wasting time.

- What is your weakness? - Well...

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Never tell the villain how to trap you in a cage.

GUITIERREZ: You probably shouldn't have helped us build it either.

I know. Dumb.

So graphite bars charged with negative ions.

- That is your weakness, huh? - That or poo gas.

You know, it's a funny thing. Nobody likes poo gas, my friend. Blecch.

Where's the clone, Guitierrez?

Oh, he had some errands to run.

[CACKLING]

Laugh with me, Jocko. Laugh with me.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Have a good day, Mrs. Liver. Hope that swelling goes down.

Thank you.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Next.

Freakazoid. Well, hey there. How can I help you today, hon?

[TAMMY SCREAMS]

Hey, Freakazoid, can I have your autograph?

My name's Danny Dingle.

Thanks.

DANNY: "To Danny Dingle. I never liked you. Freakazoid"?

[WAILING]

"And so the Freakaclone traveled throughout the kingdom...

...doing terrible things.

People were angry.

And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and..."

Bubbie, are you gonna eat that?

Mm-mm.

- Can I have it? - Mm-hm.

"Guitierrez was very happy.

His evil plan seemed to be working."

Freakazoid continued his bizarre crime streak today...

...by leading police on a high-speed chase through the city.

[LAUGHS]

Go, girlfriend.

[PLAYS ORGAN]

A three-count federal indictment was handed down against Freakazoid today...

...on charges of tax evasion, mail fraud, and impersonating a Shriner.

Whoo-hoo. How wonderfully nasty. Ha-ha.

Tonight on America's Most Hated:

Once a superhero, now a supercrook. You can help us locate this man.

This is the last known picture of Freakazoid.

And here is a computer composite of how Freakazoid might look...

...disguised as a Shetland pony.

One of America's Most Hated. Congratulations, Freakazoid.

Get your darn ape hands off me.

- What? - Nothing. Sorry.

Look, just turn off the TV, Guitierrez. I can't take it anymore.

That, my friend, is the whole point.

I want you to see what your adoring public thinks of you now.

And I want these images to be the last things you remember...

...before I extinguish your life.

[LAUGHS]

Laugh with me, Jocko.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

TV ANNOUNCER: It seems we have a break in the Freakazoid case.

Let's go now, live, to city hall.

I'm Sergeant Mike Cosgrove.

How you all doing?

It is now our belief that the Freakazoid currently loose in the city is a clone.

[CROWD GASPS, CHATTERING]

- Yes. - No.

WOMAN: What leads you to believe he's a clone?

Because I invited him to go to the Yakov Smirnoff Film Festival...

...and he said no. CROWD: Clone!

Ugh!

[FREAKAZOID LAUGHS]

They found out, Guitierrez.

The Freakaclone may have looked like me, but it didn't have my happy personality.

Yes, I see that now.

Well, I'll just have to create another one.

Only, this time, it will act just like you...

...because, this time, I shall give it your brain.

Eeee. Eeee. Eeee. Eeee.

Oh, stop that singing already.

Soon, my friend, your every thought...

...your every desire, will be transferred into that metal cylinder.

And a new, improved Freakaclone will be born.

This time, it will act just like you.

But it will be evil working for me.

And at last, I will have my revenge for this.

- Ew. - Yes, my friend. Ew.

This is what became of me after you threw me into the pit.

I brought along a clip, if you'd like to see it.

Hey, that'd be great. Do we need to set it up?

- No, I think it explains itself. - Great. Let's run that clip.

- Where should I look? - Right there.

Ah.

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

Ah!

That's the end of the clip!

That was great.

Now, these next clips are some of my all-time favorite bloopers.

GUITIERREZ: Now, this jaunty fellow is going his merry way...

...when suddenly, look what happens, and he doesn't even realize it.

Hey, chubby boy, where is your donkey?

Here, two men are trying to get into the same pair of shorts.

Now, look at this duck.

FREAKAZOID: It's just a duck. GUITIERREZ: No, my friend.

FREAKAZOID: It's a plain old duck. GUITIERREZ: No.

It's a very special duck because there is a guy in it.

Here, a giant boy scours a Dutch village in search of cheese.

[IN DEEP VOICE] "I want cheese. Cheese, my friends."

[NORMAL VOICE] This chap is new to the farm...

...and he thinks this is the way you milk a cow.

And the funny thing is it works. Ha-ha.

FREAKAZOID: Guitierrez, we really should get back to the show now.

GUITIERREZ: Oh, just one more clip.

This man is giving his wife kissings and lovings...

...when, suddenly, his broker calls, and he has to go talk to him.

[PHONE RINGS]

Then a monkey appears and starts to kiss the woman...

...and she thinks it's the guy. Look out, woman, it's a monkey. Ha-ha.

[SCREAMS]

- Wow, good stuff. - Thank you.

And now...

...let us begin.

Just keep thinking those happy little thoughts of yours, Freakazoid.

[SCREAMING]

Eeee-eeee-eeee.

[SCREAMS]

Eeee-eeee-eeee.

[SCREAMS]

That's it, my friend. Don't resist. Just be yourself.

No. Can't let him take my thoughts.

Gotta think of other things.

I must succeed.

I must succeed.

I must succeed!

[ALARM BLARING]

[GASPS]

I must succeed!

[SIZZLING]

I must succeed.

I must succeed.

I must succeed.

I must succeed.

I must succeed.

[GRO ANS]

No.

[GRUNTING]

You. You did this.

You told me to think happy thoughts, so I thought about my favorite show.

But you forget, my friend, they are evil.

- Annihilate him. ALL: We must succeed.

Hmph!

[ALL YELLING]

Ow!

- My back. - Cut it out.

[YELLING]

[MAKES BUZZING SOUND]

HERO BO YS: Ow!

Eeee!

Tell it to the judge.

COSGRO VE: Good job, kid.

But how come you didn't go after Guitierrez?

Don't worry. He's getting what he deserves.

ATTENDANTS [SINGING]: Gasigo, we're here to please you

- Gasigo, we'll never leave you - Be quiet!

- G-A-S-l-G-O, Gasigo - Be quiet! Stop it!

- So put us to the test - No more! No more! No!

On behalf of Warner Animation...

...I wanna thank you for enjoying our fine programming. Ah!

BOTH: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[ENGLISH SDH]