Original subtitles

Greetings, worthless viewers.

It is with unbridled excitement that I come to you...

...to announce my thrilling television debut.

They call me Deadpan, and I am blessed with the unique ability...

...to transform my features into any shape.

For instance...

Or how about?

Or perhaps...

And I do mean any shape.

Today, I plan to take over all of Washington...

...with the help of my cleverest disguise ever...

...that of Freakazoid.

No one will ever know it's actually me.

Hi, Deadpan.

Hello, I...

Rats.

Never mind.

You wanted to see me?

Ah, warden.

How kind of you to come. Please.

I understand there's a problem with your computer.

Oh, a trivial matter, really. I'm embarrassed to even mention it.

But I will.

The computer itself is wonderful.

It even has the Pinnacle microchip as I requested.

Perfect for playing my computer games like...

..."Chubby Fudge's Cooking Lab," and "Attack of the Grillery"...

...and my favorite, "Amazing Castle. "

But to my surprise...

...I find that I cannot log onto the Internet...

...because I don't have a phone line!

L... I know. I'm trying.

It's gonna take a few more weeks.

I don't want to wait a few more weeks.

I must have access to the Internet now.

Today.

It's just that prisoners aren't supposed to have phones.

If I don't have a phone line lickety-split...

...I shall squeeze you.

And I shall keep on squeezing you...

...until all your man juices run dry.

Ew.

Ah.

At last.

I'm gonna get Freakazoid

Stupid little crazy boy, Freakazoid

Let the game begin.

Oh, baby.

- That blue knight guy is pretty good. - He sure is...

...milord. - What?

Oh, "milord. "

Right. Ha.

Funny.

You know, I like jousting so much I wish I could marry it.

Ha. Funny.

Sorry I didn't help you out sooner, kid.

I thought you were doing one of your little skits.

Oh, I don't know what it is, Cosgrove.

It's like all of a sudden, there was this disruption in my energy field.

You mean like that Force thingy in Star Wars?

Yeah, that's it.

I like that movie. Carrie Fisher is a real cutie pie.

Don't worry, kid. I'll get you to the hospital as fast as I can.

- Unh! - Norma, it's Cosgrove.

Give me a double Chubby Boy.

And who's on the fryer tonight?

Yeah. He's good.

Okay. Give me some fries too.

And make it snappy.

I gotta get Freakazoid to the hospital.

Aw, shoot.

I forgot an Orange Bang.

Well, there's nothing fuzzy on your tongue.

Frankly, you seem to be fine...

...but this weakness you're experiencing puzzles me immensely.

Why don't you put leeches on him?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't think that's wise.

Okay, but if you change your mind, I got a few in the car.

I would, however, like to keep you overnight for observation.

What? Overnight? Here? Oh, no, no, no.

I hate hospitals. They're icky.

They keep blood in refrigerators.

Not that you kids shouldn't go to the hospital if you ever need to.

That's right, kids.

Hospitals are places that make you well when you're feeling kind of urpy...

...or have a foreign substance stuck up your nose.

They'll fix you up and ship you out as good as new.

Plus, the food's mighty fine.

This segment brought to you by the National Federation of Hospitals.

Now back to our show.

Thank you very much, doctor, but I'm not staying.

I'm fine. Come on, Cosgrove.

I meant to do that.

Freakazoid.

Freakazoid.

Remember me, my old dear friend?

Well, I remember you, and I'm waiting for you.

All you have to do is come and get me, if you dare.

Laugh with me, laugh with me.

Shh. Quiet, lad.

Roddy, where have you been?

I've been surfing the Net, lad. Oh, it's quite a place.

You're gonna like it.

I'm gonna like it?

Aye, you're going in tonight.

Guitierrez managed to get in. Now, come, we've not much time.

I meant to do that.

Ever since Guitierrez entered the Net...

...he's been busy setting up some sort of deranged trap for you.

When I tried to see what it was, he found me and kicked me out.

He's amazingly powerful.

If it's a trap, why do you want me to go in?

You don't have a choice, lad.

The reason you're so weak is that Guitierrez sabotaged the energy field...

...that powers you here on the outside.

If you didn't go in, another hour or so...

...you'd be no better than a dried-up piece of fleshy haggis.

Oh, he's figured it all out. He's baiting you, lad.

He's made sure you've got no choice but to go in after him.

He means to destroy you.

Boy, you got a lot of lines in this show.

Aye, that's what I told them.

But no, all the cruddy exposition goes to me.

I've got to talk and talk, and fiddle with the computer...

...and talk some more, and fiddle and talk.

I feel like Obi-wan Cruddy Kenobi.

Roddy, settle.

All right. We're ready.

Aren't you coming?

Nay, Guitierrez has locked me out.

He wants you alone.

There, that's the last of the cruddy exposition...

...thank you very much.

Be careful, lad. Now, off you go.

Press delete.

Whoa!

Could you tell me where the bathroom is?

I don't know.

Shoot.

Freakazoid, at last you have arrived.

I'm sorry about the dramatics with your power supply...

...but I wanted to make sure you would come.

Hey, you've been doing sit-ups.

I took the liberty of improving upon the flaw that created us both.

I am now more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Yes, but can you dance?

Yes.

Wow.

Now, come.

I want to show you what I have planned.

Put on that bracelet.

No, it's ugly.

Ooh, stop the pain.

Oh, stop that bad acting and put on the bracelet.

The bracelet you are now wearing is a highly sophisticated delete mechanism.

When activated, it will delete you.

You now have approximately...

...um, 59 minutes to live.

You weenie.

A weenie?

You are the weenie.

And now I will have my revenge.

It is because of you...

...that I spent six long months locked away in a prison cell.

Six months caged like an animal in a cage.

Hey, settle.

I should inform you that there is a key that unlocks the bracelet.

Where?

Are you familiar with the computer game "Amazing Castle?"

Yeah.

Well, we are now in that game.

And here in cyberspace, it is all quite real, I assure you.

You will find the key somewhere in that castle.

To get there, you will have to answer riddles...

...solve clues and collect objects that might help you.

I suggest you begin.

You have, uh...

...fifty-seven minutes.

I will enjoy watching you perish, Freakazoid.

Laugh with me, laugh with me.

He's such a weenie.

I am not a weenie.

You are the weenie.

Where is the darn handle?

I am the doorkeeper with horrible skin

Answer my riddle, and then you come in

Oh, I hate these.

All right, what?

I buzz about at a citrus event Where hours of fun can cheaply be spent

Who am I?

Hmm.

A bee at the Orange County Fair.

Enter.

Have some chalk. Ahh.

Oh, no.

Which way? Um, that one.

A bowl, I got a bowl. Good for me.

You had better hurry, Freakazoid.

Time's slipping away.

I went in here and I came out here.

Which means...

Freakazoid ran about the strange and creepy castle...

...collecting all sorts of bizarre and unusual objects.

Each new object led him closer to his ultimate goal...

...the key that would free him from the deviously deadly...

...deleting device adhered to his wrist.

But there was one last object to be located and very little time left.

Oh, nut bunnies.

Uh, uh... Ah.

There.

Thanks.

Whoa!

Twenty seconds, Freakazoid.

Fifteen.

Ten.

Five, four...

- Ha! ... three, two...

...one.

Good for me.

Yes, good for you, Freakazoid.

I must say I am surprised.

Well done.

Can I go now?

Oh, no, my friend.

We have had our fun.

But now it is time for you to be eliminated.

- But you said... - I said...

...that if you found the key, you would not be deleted.

I made no other promises.

You ween...

Don't say the weenie word.

No, no, no.

Fall down. Fall down.

Are you ticklish? Little tick-tick-ticky?

Little ticky-sweet-sweet-sweet? Little tick-tick-ticky?

Little tick-tick... You're not liking any of this, are you?

- Grr... - Aah!

Goodbye, Freakazoid.

Whoa! Aah!

Freakazoid, help me.

Would you let your father fall?

My father? You're my father?

Oh, yes, I am your father.

Well, who...? Who was my mother?

Uh, uh...

Faye Dunaway.

No, she's not.

Uh...

- Kaye Ballard? - Kaye? No.

Would you believe Sandy Duncan?

Scream with me.

I tried looking for Guitierrez but he was gone.

So I fixed my power supply and made sure Roddy wasn't locked out anymore.

Good job, lad.

Pretty interesting story, Freakazoid.

- But there's something I don't get. - What's that, Cosgrove?

In that movie Congo, how do you tell the difference...

...between the real monkey and the guy in a monkey suit?

That's a real monkey.

No, that's some guy in a suit.

Okay, but now that's a real monkey.

No, that's another guy in a suit.

Okay. I see what you're saying now.

There, that's a guy in a suit.

No, that's a real monkey.

How can you tell? It's obvious, Cosgrove.

There, now that's a real monkey.

That's a guy in a suit!

We're gonna have to see this again.

I hope the Humanitas Committee is watching.