Original subtitles

We interrupt our program to bring you this important message.

I love you.

Now, back to our show.

They were fast, they were fierce, they were fuel-injected furies.

They were Hot Rods from Heck!

Starring Rube Canto, Mimsy Ling...

...and Weena Mercator as the Hopping Woman.

Directed by Dobie Atwood, Jr.

Dad, Duncan's been hitting me in the arm for the last 140 miles.

What's the matter, you little baby? Can't take it?

Pipe down, or I'll climb back there and butter your heads, huh?

You boys have been full of ginger the entire trip.

Now, settle down before we reach your grandpa's place.

I don't want you giggling at his cardboard hat.

He's not well.

Dad, Dad, the road.

Wow! Did you see those cars? They were really tough-looking.

They tried to run us off the road.

Good thing your father panicked and jumped on the brakes like a scared old woman.

I didn't panic.

Dad, they're coming back.

I should drive. You're shaking like a mouse.

I didn't panic.

Get us out of here, Dad.

Oh, no. No, no!

Nice driving, Turk, old boy.

Put them in the garage for a spell.

Who is this beast man?

Who is this bovine boy with horns on his head...

...and a ring through his nose?

Born in Odessa, Texas...

...his real name was Jubal Nixon, and he worked at a Jon-nee Cat factory...

...selling bags and bags of Jon-nee Cat, until turning to crime.

So sought after was he, so pursued by police...

...that he had a doctor turn him into a steer.

And from that day forward, he was known as...

...Longhorn.

And now you know the rest of the back-story.

Good day.

So, uh, what are we gonna do with these remote-controlled hot rods, Longhorn?

Son, you are dumber than a bowl of mice.

Now, listen up one last time.

The Air Force'll be moving a Titan rocket this afternoon...

...right along that very highway.

Your robot hot rodders will take out the guards.

Then they'll force that flatbed off the road.

We'll be waiting, I think.

And before you know it, we're the proud owners of a Titan missile...

...with a 20-megaton warhead.

Batteries not included.

Not bad, Longhorn.

Then we hold Washington for ransom?

No, we don't.

We hold Nashville for ransom.

Unless they give me a recording contract, they're gonna be whole-wheat toast.

No one can sing like you can.

Not so fast, son.

Listen to my new lick.

Jamming gears and eating pie

In my big rig in the sky

Since the day I crashed into a banjo shop

They were dead people driving those cars.

Oh, the very nerve.

They'll give a license to anyone.

It's all Dexter's fault.

This is so weird.

I wish I were home reading funny stories in binary.

Oh, no.

That's Bessie Mae, Longhorn's truck.

He's on America's Most Wanted about every other week.

Aw, as if I didn't have enough problems.

Something bad's gonna happen soon.

I guess I'd better, oh...

...freak out!

Wow, that was a long wait. This is more story than I'm used to.

Time to take care of business.

Hey, Dexter, you little nimbus.

Come on out. It's time for your 2:00 arm punch.

Ahh! It's the blue guy again.

Let's wrastle.

Can you sing the lyrics to "I'm a Tugboat, Call Me Mel"? Try it.

I'm a tug boat...

Ow!

Aw, that was a tough one, because I just made up that song. See you.

Her name was Melinda

She'd be 56 today

But she fell out of my truck On Highway 5 near San Jose

That was another, uh, gem, Longhorn.

I like to think you aren't just being polite...

...so's I won't whomp on you with my big round hooves.

Put that out of your mind.

No doubt Longhorn's up to some evil plan.

I'd better find him without delay.

Hey, Freakazoid.

Oh, hi, Cosgrove.

Wanna go see a bear ride a motorcycle?

Do I? Let's roll!

That bear is pretty good.

Pigs are smarter than bears, but they can't ride motorcycles.

Oh, by the way.

Word has it that Longhorn plans to use robot hot rodders...

...to steal a Titan missile.

- You going? - It's out of my jurisdiction.

If I were you, I'd get the Freakmobile and check it out.

Might be something to it.

Perhaps there is.

We test-ran this place in an earlier episode...

...and I'm proud to say, it's gonna stay a part of the show.

Follow me. It's okay.

The Hall of Freakmobiles.

Let's see now.

Nah. Mm-mm.

That one, because it runs.

How toyetic can you get?

"Toyetic" is a word created by marketing people.

It means an object or device featured in a cartoon...

...that could easily become a mass-produced toy.

Yee-haw!

Get ready.

It's time now for 7 Hours of Tony Danza.

That boy wrecked my plan. I'm gonna settle his hash right now.

Uh-oh...

Longhorn thinks he has me, but I've got a trick.

Oh, what a good trick this is.

If there were a degree for trickery, I'd be a master trickster.

Ha!

Man, did I ever skunk Longhorn.

That steer-head is probably still trying to figure out...

Oh, nut-bunnies. He must get the same jet-pod catalog I do.

All right.

Hey, so I'm picking up a couple extra bucks.

Don't tell the IRS.

Longhorn's got a pretty nifty truck.

Let's see if it came with underwater options.

Oh, that's right.

This car was never designed to operate underwater.

Wow. That was important and I forgot it.

Oops.

Huh?

Oh, wait.

I just thought of a great plan, if I do say so myself.

This should work, but I'd better hurry.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...it's time now for our seventh-inning stretch.

Aw, shoot. This ain't fair.

I had your blue butt cold.

I know, I know, but it's the seventh-inning stretch.

You gotta sing along. It's a tradition.

Take me out to the ball game

Take me out to the crowd

Bind me with rope and a sailor's knot

Send me to jail where I'll sleep on a cot

'Cause you broke, broke, broke the law

Off you go to the can

For it's one, two, three years away

I'll send you Spam

I like me.

We'd be at Grandpa's now if it weren't for Dexter.

Hey, I got lost in the desert.

And you weren't around to help when that blue guy jumped me again.

You're the only one who ever sees this blue guy, Duncan.

He's real.

Well, of course he's real to you, dear, but that's because you're probably insane.

What are you laughing at, twink?

We interrupt our program to bring you this important message.

I can see you.

Now, back to our show.

Hunt, hunt, hunt, he's the Huntsman

"Into action" is his cry

From the forest to the city He will run there in a jiffy

To sock evil in the eye

Marty Feeb was a poor hunter

Hungry without dough

Till the day he saved a chunky elf From being eaten by a crow

The elf rewarded Marty Feeb With a magic sack of corn

He gained strength and speed And shiny teeth

And as the Huntsman was reborn

Hunt, hunt, hunt He's the Huntsman

He'll rip the pants off of bad guys

If there's an emergency Sound the Horn of Urgency

And summon the Huntsman

"Into action" is his cry!

Hunt

- Hey, Huntsman. Howdy.

Put me to work, Lieutenant King.

I'm ready to battle crime.

Um, sorry, Huntsman, but nothing's cooking right now.

Is that why you haven't sounded the Horn of Urgency?

What can I say, Huntsman?

I'm 21 years on the force, and I've never seen things this slow.

It's sort of a crime downtime.

Darn it.

Well, then, maybe I'll go visit my brother.

Yeah, sure. Why not?

He lives over on Wally Schirra Terrace.

That's a nice neighborhood.

Okay. I'll be over at my brother's townhouse.

He's in the phone book, the Hector Feeb family.

I doubt we'll call, but thanks.

Why are things so slow? Ugh!

Darn, darn. Oh, darn.

Summon the Huntsman

"Into action" is his cry!

Hunt

We interrupt our program to bring you this important message.

I'm actually a deep-voiced woman.

Now, back to our show.

On behalf of the gang in Marketing...

...I'd like to thank Freakazoid for today's episode...

...and for the successful launch of the entire Freakmobile toy line.

You're very welcome.

What can I say? It's part of my contract.

What?