Original subtitles

Hi, how's the money?

Secure. Okay, great. I'll call Ms. Wilder.

Hi, Ms. Wilder.

Yes, the money is safe and secure, and we should be in the station in about an

hour.

Okay, thanks.

Too bad it's only going to be an overnight trip.

No, but we made the most of this one, so...

That's rude.

Who the fuck are you?

Never mind who I am. Hands up.

I said hands up.

Now, where's the money?

What? You know what I'm talking about. The money.

Where's the money?

For money, throw it.

And close the door and lock it behind you.

And by the way, tell Miss Wilder I said hello.

Chip!

When you hear it falling, falling, falling, falling,

falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling,

falling, falling, falling, falling,

falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling,

falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling,

falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling, falling,

falling, falling, falling.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Max, it's Taggart.

We've got a problem.

Where the heck are you?

I'm working.

We've got a problem, kid.

I'm calling in the other girls. You're in a beautiful place.

Yeah, I could probably be there in like an hour.

After my last show. Is that cool?

No.

Hello? I'm a cop. Why am I in jail?

Where's my phone call?

Hello, pimp daddy?

Look, okay.

I'm a busty cop. Ever hear of us? Of course you have. We're in the news every

day. Look at my face.

Maybe you'll recognize this.

There. See?

Okay, now let me the fuck out!

You are gonna be in a lot of trouble. Hey.

Bag it's from me.

You're free to go.

Walmart have a sale?

Hello, girls.

Step on in.

Glad you could make it.

Although it's not under the happiest circumstances.

I was going to have the meeting out in the veranda, but as you can see, the

weather's a bit dicey today.

I'm going to come right to the point.

I'm afraid there's been a major train robbery.

Yes.

I can see by the shocked expression on your faces that you're as upset as I am.

And I'm afraid this is a big one.

Maybe too big for you to handle on your own.

That's why...

I've called in Special Investigator C.J. Hooker.

C.J.? I just helped him measure up to you fine ladies.

That'll be a problem at all.

Right, girls?

Yes. Now, as you know, I have a very stringent re-qualification examination I

have to put you through.

So, I'm going to be asking very, very special questions to each one of you

girls personally.

All right, Max, you ready?

I'm ready.

Here we go. Now, some of these have fell in the blank, so listen up.

First, Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled... Peckers.

Good. Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife and couldn't... I couldn't.

Good.

All right, Sandy, I'm plugging for you. First one.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your

friends... Crotch.

All right, CG, you've got some stiff competition, but I think stiff will be

like it.

So, here's the first one.

Name something you buy by the foot.

Kangaroo. Good.

Can't buy me... Implant?

Good. I couldn't tell.

You're fucking a pig in Barcelona. What language do you use?

New Guinea.

Good. Name something you feel before you buy it.

Implant.

You load 16 tons and what do you get?

Hemlock. First come, first... Fall asleep.

Loved means never having to stay your... Horny.

Good. Hit that hot tub, sweetie.

All right, girl.

Hit the hot tub.

You got it.

Howdy.

Partner. Good girl. Get naked and hit that pool.

Now, passengers are forbidden to leave their seats while...

Having sex.

Congratulations.

Suit up, agent.

Well, that was a big waste of time.

There was nothing. Not a fingerprint, not a fiber, not a hair, nothing.

Well, I guess we need to go see that honey chick.

Yeah, Honey Wilder.

And you know what? We can go check out that eyewitness.

Oh, yeah. Yeah?

We'll see you guys later. Bye.

Well,

I'm not making another move till I can sell the Dallylammy.

Thank God for the Dallylammy.

Well, well, well, hello there, sweet tits.

Hello, enlightened one. What can your Dolly Lama do for you, baby?

Well, uh, I have a favor to ask.

Go right ahead and ask, honey.

Can you tell me who robbed that damn train?

Oh, the train, you say.

Hold on one second while I consult the spirit world.

Ah, it's coming to me. It's that Miss Wilder broad.

I always knew she was an opportunity.

She's a filthy, lying little tramp.

I knew it.

An offering to the Great One?

Hey, you cheapskate. You stole me for the last time. What is this?

Okay.

Where do you think you're going?

Bad karma to rip off your Dalai Lama, you know.

Ms. Wilder robbed that train. But at first I knew your tips would turn to

worms. I knew she was dirty. Your whole family will turn to worms.

I don't care. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, where are you going?

Hey, come back here, baby. You owe me big time.

Hi, how you doing?

I'm Max. This is Christy. We're with the Busty Cops. Are you Aquanetta

Filippante? Yeah.

And you were on the train that was robbed?

Uh-huh.

Can you tell us anything about the robbery?

Um, well, my vision's not too great, and I didn't have my contacts in yesterday,

but, um, from what I could tell, it was a woman, and she was really tall

and blonde, and she looked hot from what I could see.

And she came in with a gun, and people were screaming and everything, and, um,

I mean, she seemed hot.

I would have done her if she didn't have that gun.

But she was definitely blonde.

Yeah, it's just... Did you see anything else?

Like I said, my vision's not that great, you know, and I didn't have my contacts

in. I mean, I can hardly see you guys right now.

Well, you guys look pretty good.

How about we go over to that tree right there?

And then maybe something will jog my memory?

Yeah, okay. Whatever it takes.

I got something that'll jog our memory.

Thank you.

Miss Wilder, who are the busty cops? I can see that.

We're here to investigate the train robbery.

Oh, my God.

Thank God you're here.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

First of all, let me just say how sorry we are for your husband's loss. Oh, you

and your husband's loss of your train line.

I am absolutely devastated.

I have no idea how I'm going to recover from this.

I don't know why bad things happen to good people.

It's so awful.

I know.

We need to talk to someone about scheduling, about the trains coming and

going.

You know, a schedule person.

Well, actually, here comes my accountant Pembroke. You should be able to answer

any questions you may have.

Hi, ladies.

Hi, Sandy, busty cop.

My pleasure. CJ, busty cop.

CJ. The ladies look cold.

We should get them inside.

Well, why don't I interview Pembroke here and the two of you.

Yeah, and let them have full access to the books. You know, show them what they

need to see.

Okay, Ms. Wilder. I'll open the books and try to give them whatever they're

looking for.

All right. Come on this way.

Perhaps you'd like to join me in my office for a cup of coffee or a new

massage? Maybe a game of checkers?

Okay, whatever.

Well, this is quite a pad.

Yes, well, Miss Wilder, she likes to live quite lavishly.

Hmm.

This must be Miss Wilder's biggest fan.

Well, this room tends to heat up on its heat.

You ready?

So, um, how long were you married to your late husband before he passed?

A couple of months.

Well, how old was he?

Eighty-five.

Oh, must be tough, huh?

Yeah.

Been a little tough.

I mean, my dad had an electric train set when I was growing up, but... It's

nothing like that.

Oh, bet.

So, what'd he die of?

A heart attack in bed.

How awful.

It's been real tough.

So, he left you the entire railroad line?

Yeah.

It's been a real uphill battle.

I bet.

So, um, where are those checkers?

I'm curious, you guys.

Hey, Taggart.

Well, ladies, right on time. I admire punctuality. In fact, I insist on it.

Have a seat.

And don't you look lovely in the outfits I bought you.

Of course, we'll come out of your next paycheck, as always.

Looking at the way you fill out those dresses, I'd say that if you'd been on

the Titanic, it would probably still be afloat today.

I'd like to buy you a drink.

Unfortunately, they won't be open for another ten minutes.

And you're on duty anyway.

So, T.J., tell me, how did it go today?

Oh, my God, we stopped till we dropped today. First of all, we went to the

mall. Well, actually, before we went to the mall, we went over to the spa and

got a pedicure. I went with the clear nail polish, but you went with... I

meant, how did the investigation go, C.J.? Well, um... Well,

we went to Honey's, but it didn't turn up anything.

How about you two?

Oh... We actually met up with that witness, but unfortunately, blinder than

a shithouse rat, didn't see a thing.

Completely hopeless.

So nothing.

Well, fuck you!

And your ass looks big in that song!

Who's this guy?

Oh, holy shit.

You ladies are beautiful.

Wow, each one of you is more stunning than the next one.

Hey, hey, do you think you could do me a huge favor?

What can we do you for?

You don't dance, do you?

Never mind.

I got this club opening tonight, and I got hundreds and hundreds of guys coming

in here. And all my dancers, every one of my fat-ass dancers, and I hate every

one of you.

Quit on me tonight.

Blue, blue.

Some, you know, got sick.

So I got nobody up on stage tonight.

Is there any way... Can I ask a huge favor of any of you

to... Well, do you dance?

Well, I do a mean lombada.

How about the margarita?

It doesn't matter.

If you could just get up on stage tonight, any one of you, or all of

you... One at a time, do a little dance, you know, just shake a little jiggle

and, you know, maybe pop a little pop.

What do you guys think?

Drinks, free drinks all night long.

Free raffle ticket.

Free lottery ticket. Free bunnies, chocolate.

Free shoes.

Free shoes.

I'll give you free shoes if you get up on stage and, you know.

Good shoes, not cheap shoes. You might have a deal.

Like, what price range are we talking about?

Like... It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. No cheap shoes.

No cheap shoes and you're up on stage and you... Have a little time.

Shake a little booty.

Here. Yes!

Thank you.