All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S02E13.HDTV.XviD-LOL

Come on! Let's go!
We're gonna need a little

extra time at airport security

'cause I'm pretty sure they're gonna
want to patch you down.

Manny's with his father for the weekend,

so Jay and I are flying to Vegas.

I'm a little torn because
I want alone time with Gloria,

but I also like rubbing
Manny's head for good luck.

I just need to send
this e-mail to Claire

why I'm not working
on the bake sale next week,

but I can't say the real reason.

Why not?

Because she drives me crazy

when she's in charge of these things.

Okay. We got a flight to catch,
so let me help you out here.

Okay.

You tell me what you
want to say to her,

and I'll help you find
a nice way to say it.

I want to say...

I can't work on the bake sale

because you're a bossy control freak

that looks down on my cupcakes

even though your lemon squares
were very dry.

Done. Okay?

How's this?

"Dear Claire, I can't work the bake sale

because you're a bossy
control freak who look down..."

Very funny, Jay.

Ay... ay... why the whoosh?

Where is... where is the e-mail?

It sended! Ay. Make it come back.

I don't know how to
make it come back.

Now she's gonna read it,

and she's gonna think it's from me!

Well, technically, it was from you.

But come on, let's hit the road.

It sended.

Please come back.

Sync by YYeTs.net
corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com

We love our neighborhood,
but sometimes the last thing

you want to do after fighting traffic

is get back in the car
to go out to eat.

And the only restaurant
within walking distance

is Shawarma City.

Two shawarma combo. Meat or chicken?

Uh, one meat. One chicken.

And can you make
the chicken all white meat?

Number 32. Pay cashier.

Okay, that's not an answer.

Then a miracle happened.

Uh, the hottest
new restaurant in the city

opened up two blocks away...

Amelia's.

But there was a problem.

They can take us at 5:15...

What are we, 80?

Or 10:45.

What are we, 20?

Then... miracle number two.

Turns out one of the mothers
at Lily's pre-school

is none other than Amelia herself.

So we arranged a play date
with her son, Jackson,

where we would, you know, charm Amelia.

Okay.

The most important play date ever,

so I'm really gonna need you
to sparkle, sweetie.

Oh, I'm gonna sparkle
like it's the 4th of July.

- I was talking to Lily.
- Hmm?

It's our parents' anniversary,

so we're surprising them
with breakfast in bed.

They're impossible to buy for...

we think.

We've never really tried.

Okay. Ready?

One, two, three...

- Surpri... Ahh!
- Surpri... Ahh!
- Surpri... Ahh!

Oh. Oh! No! No!

- No!
- No! No!

- I'm sorry!
- Nothing's happening!

Oh, my God.

Yeah, our kids walked in on us.

- We were, as they say, "having sex".
- Oh, God.

That's not a euphemism, Phil.

It's exactly what we were doing...
having sex.

In front of our children.

Well, they weren't there
when we started.

No.

In fact, you weren't even
there when we sta...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

It's okay. Maybe they
didn't see anything.

Sweetie, t... they screamed,
they dropped a tray of dishes,

and then they ran out of here
like they were on fire.

You were on fire, lady.

Really? You're still going?

Well, forgive me for thinking

your zesty performance
deserves some praise.

Phil, our children
are downstairs right now,

and they are probably traumatized.

Oh, come on.
I'm sure it's not that bad.

I can still see it!

I can't believe that just happened!

- What were they doing?
- Nothing!

Whatever it was, it looked
like dad was winning.

It! They were doing it!

He has no idea what
you're taking about.

- Sex?
- Yes!

I know what sex is, Alex.

It's when a man and a woman
take off their underpants

and then get into the bed.

Stop talking!

Aah!

Try Claire again.

I'm not getting a signal.

Relax. We'll get her.

Hey, shorty told me
about this restaurant in Vegas

that's got a three-story wine tower

right in the middle of it.

The guy who gets your wine
flies around on a wire.

Like the "Peter Pan".

No. Not like the "Peter Pan".

This is a high-end place.

Oh, yeah, because all the finest
restaurants in the world

have people flying around on wires.

You know, you used to go bananas

when a Japanese guy
flipped a shrimp onto your plate.

Now look at you.

- Try her again.
- Fine.

And just so you know,
it's not like Peter Pan.

I mean, nobody wears tights or anything.

Well, if they're not wearing anything,

I don't want them flying over my food.

Hello.

Phil, it's me.
Can I talk to Claire?

Yeah. One second, Jay.

- It's your dad.
- No. No, no. Can't. Unh-unh.

She doesn't want to talk right now.

- Ay, no.
- Why not?

Uh, she's a little too upset.

Phil, put her on.

He says he wants to...

Hang up the phone.

I'm sorry, Jay.

She says I have to go.

You know, she's my daughter
and everything,

but that guy seriously
needs to grow a pair.

Well, we tried.

Vegas, here we come.

Turn around the car.

Only 'cause I want to.

This is a... a beautiful home.

I love the throwback to the '60s.

Although if this was the '60s,

we'd be a couple of "Confirmed bachelors,"

and Lily would be a yorkie.

And I'd still be trapped in a loveless marriage.

Oh, Amelia.

Oh, you are funny!

Oh!

I really like you guys.

I mean, I...
I haven't had a lot of time

to meet the other parents.

You know, single mom,
hectic work schedule...

Now, what do you do, Amelia?

Oh, uh, I own a few restaurants.

Oh. I just opened one nearby.

Oh, my gosh. Are you that Amelia?

Mm-Hmm.

Oh, my gosh!

We've heard wonderful things
about the restaurant.

It must be doing well.

We can never seem to get
a r... a reservation.

- Can't get in.
- Can't.

Oh, well, that's no problem.

The next time you call, just tell them...

Oh. One second.

Oh, I'm sorry. Tell them what?

Hello?

Well, did you show it to him?
And what did he say?

Okay. Uh, hold on a second.

I'm... I'm gonna switch phones.

- I'm sorry. It's the restaurant.
- Oh.

- Excuse me just a minute.
- Yeah.

You said to tell them s... something.

Did you hear that?

When we know what to say, we're in.

Oh! This is very exciting.

I've never had an in
at a restaurant before.

They'll probably greet us
at the door by our names,

show us to our favorite table...

They'll let us play fast
and loose with the menu,

order lunch things for dinner,
dinner things for lunch!

- It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
- Cameron!

- It's fine.
- Stop moving.

You there?

Put him on the phone.

Oh, that's the baby monitor.
Should we turn it off?

Who am I speaking to?

Well... Mr. Campbell,

you need to replace the extremely
expensive countertop

that one of your incompetent
workers clearly ruined

when he was supposed
to be fixing the refrigerator.

Okay, this is why she's so successful.

She's tough but calm.

Because I'm not an idiot!

As is evidenced by my law degree,

which I will happily dust off
and use to crush you in court

if you don't fix it, replace it,

or send me a check
in the next 72 hours.

You know what? Stay right there.

Don't move.

Act like you weren't listening.

What does that look like?

I'm so sorry.

I have to run down
to the restaurant for a minute.

I really feel terrible asking,

but do... would you guys mind...?

- Oh, it's not a problem.
We'll watch the kids. - Okay.

Oh, yes, you go take care

of that fabulous restaurant of yours

that we cannot wait to try.

And when we do call,
Amelia, you said to...

Jackson, mommy will be right back.

Okay. Thanks, you guys, so much.

I owe you big time.

Okay.

Did you hear that?

She owes us big time.

You know, she also has
that restaurant in Las Vegas

where the sommeliers
fly around on wires.

Oh, my gosh. Lily, thank you
for being such a trouper

with Mr. Personality over there.

I'm gonna get you a treat.

Oh, a juice box broke in here.
It's all wet inside.

Will you stop gasping? It's just a diaper...

Okay. We need a game plan.

We need to rehearse exactly
what we're gonna say

because that is the only way
I'm gonna hold it together

when my babies are looking at me
with judgment and disgust.

First of all, that's how
they always look at us.

Oh, Phil.

Secondly, this isn't
as traumatic as you think.

Honey, I walked in on my parents
having sex once.

It was... oh... awful.

I can't even get the image
out of my mind.

Claire, we're not your parents.
We're in much better shape.

Okay. You want to know
the worst thing?

They didn't even talk about it.

They just let it hang there.

I'm not gonna do that to our kids.

Phil, this...

this is a defining moment
for us as parents.

How we handle this
could shape how they feel

about sex and intimacy
for the rest of their lives!

Claire. Honey.

Honey, this is only a big deal
if we make it a big deal.

We set the tone here.
So let's just play it cool.

Act like it was a big, funny mix-up.

Crack a few jokes. Lighten the mood.

- Jokes.
- Yeah.

What kind of jokes?

Well, this is...

I'm just spitballin' here, but...

what if I was all, "knock, knock"...

and they were like, "who's there?"

And I was all, "someone
who doesn't want to see

their parents doing it.

That's why we knocked".

Again, this is...
this is very rough.

Why are they still up there?

Yeah. How long does sex take?

Oh, my God. Stop talking.

Did you guys notice

that dad had the same
look on his face

as when he smells a new car?

I need to leave.

I need to go to camp.

This is gonna be so weird
when they come down.

Let's just go. Okay? Come on.

Wait. But I'm hungry.

We'll get breakfast.
Let's just go. Come on!

Let's go. Come on.

Where are you going?

Anywhere.

Where is your mother?
I need to talk to her.

I don't think it's
a good time right now.

She won't come out of her room.

She's really upset, isn't she?

Big time.

How'd you know?

We called.

Tell me exactly what she said.

I don't know. There was
just a lot of screaming.

Where was your father
when all this was going on?

Oh, he was right behind her.

Ugh! Ugh!

Oh! It's not coming out! It's not coming out!

Blot! Don't rub! Blot!

We are beyond blotting and rubbing.

I think we've moved on
to sweating and crying.

Okay, okay. Let's not panic.

We'll just... we'll tell
Amelia what happened,

and then we'll pay
to have it cleaned.

What if it can't be cleaned, Mitchell?!

Okay, okay.
Then we'll pay for a new rug.

Are you insane?

This is a limited-edition
alpaca hand-made stark rug!

I saw it in Architectural Digest.

It cost $50,000.
It was in Diane Keaton's house.

Oh, no, it was in, oh,
what's-her-name's house.

Um, from "Prizzi's honor".

From... uh, oh, oh,
she was in "Addams family."

You know, she...

Anjelica Huston!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh! Oh, my God. $50,000 for a rug?!

Cam, we don't have
that kind of money.

Maybe she won't make us pay.

I mean, we wouldn't make someone pay

if this happened to us.

Did you not hear her on the phone?

"Fix it. Replace it. Write me a check".

She probably has that
embroidered on a pillow.

Right next to a jar of human tears.

Maybe we can turn this around.

How? It looks like someone
bled out over here.

No. I mean the rug.

Maybe we can turn
the whole rug around,

put it under the couch.

See? No one would
ever know it's there.

Well, you know, we would know.

Well...

What are you thinking?

You don't want to know.

No, tell me, 'cause I'm...

I think I'm thinking the same thing.

I seriously doubt that,

because now I'm thinking
it was Joan Collins' house.

Okay.

Great.

Gloria, what are you...
what are you doing here?

Wait, where are the kids?

They just left.

They told me that
you were very upset.

Oh, God. And you have
every right to be.

It was bad.

I know that.

Claire, it was an accident.

That doesn't make it any better.

Okay, you're right.
I know how you feel.

Oh, God. It happened to me before,
with another woman.

And that time,
I was the one getting it.

And it hurt.

Wow.

I'm sorry it had
to come out like this,

but you have to admit
that you're only happy

when you're the one
cracking the whip.

What?

Come on.

We all know how you ride Phil.

But maybe if you
just let go a little,

maybe even taste my cupcakes,

I will join you.

No... unh-unh. No. No.

I... I am so confused right now.

I may pass out.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

The kids just walked in
on me and Phil i... in bed.

And we've just spent the last hour

holed up in our room trying
to figure out what to say to them.

Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Can I use your computer?
I just need to check one e-mail.

Yeah, the kitchen.

Gloria, I just switched us
to the next flight.

Now, did you guys
get everything straightened out?

Claire is very upset

because the kids just
walk in on them having sex.

Aw, geez.

Oh, then we're all up to speed.

She's so upset that
she hasn't even had time

to apply her make-up
or use her computer.

W... what are you
even doing here, dad?

I don't think you should be the one

doing the questioning here, missy.

Don't get mad at her.

Your wife's the one who just
offered up her cupcakes.

Phil.

Good thing we had mom's gas card.

Don't make me regret
buying you that lighter, dude.

Put it down.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

Our parents are totally irresponsible.

And I'm not just talking
about us walking in

on their... little freak show earlier.

Just let it go.

No. We're lucky to be alive.

How often do they
let Luke go... go to school

in shorts in the winter?

And they let me ride
in the front seat

before I was 60 pounds.

And they never shut the gate

at the top of the stairs
when we were babies.

Do you know how many times
you fell on your head? Do you?

No.

We get it... it was bad.

But, you know, I...

I guess...

It's better than having parents
who fight all the time.

Maybe.

My friend Jacob's parents
are getting divorced.

He has to move out of his house.
They told him last week.

That sucks.

He'll get used to it.

Half of my friends'
parents are divorced.

Mine too.

It's insane.

So it's a good thing
mom and dad still do sex.

Better than mom leaving the stove on,

which she's done twice this month.

I just realized we haven't even gotten

to the worst part of it yet.

Which is?

They're gonna want to talk about it.

Well, maybe not.

Are you kidding?

Their parents never
talked about anything,

so they want to talk
about everything.

Yeah, they called a family meeting

when we switched to 1% milk.

I don't know where those kids are.

What is more important

than putting a working lock
on a bedroom door?

You are one to talk.

What is that supposed to mean?

You don't remember

when I walked in
on you and mom that time?

Gloria, can we please go now?!

Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm.

So why don't you just get off
your high horse, dad.

At least I am trying to handle this

better than the two of you did.

What did we do?

You made gimlets and
went back to your room.

What were we supposed to do?

You... you... you
could have talked to me.

You could have
made sure that I was okay.

Want to talk about it?

Yes. Fine.

Your mother and I were watching

a particularly racy episode
of "Hart to Hart".

Stefanie powers had to go
undercover as a call girl.

- Mnh-mnh. Dad.
- Hang on.

This whole story makes more sense

if you know I got a thing
for thigh-high boots.

Oh, gross! Gross.
You are ruining sex for me.

And boots.

Hey.

Working okay for you?

Oh, yes.

I was sending an e-mail
to my brother in Colombia.

Oh.

Um, I was telling him about Claire.

You know, I realize there's
so much I don't know about her.

Like, for example,
what is her favorite word?

Or what was her first pet's name?

Gloria, I'm not an idiot.

Are you trying to get
Claire's password?

Okay, fine.

I sent her something by mistake.

I need to get into Claire's e-mail

to erase it before she sees it.

Before I see what?

Hola, Claire.

Hi, Gloria.

Before I see what?

It's so embarrassing.

You see, Jay and I...

It's a naked picture of Gloria.

Whoa.

Yes.

Naked.

Mm.

I was gonna send it to Jay.

You see everything.
The whole body.

- I need to sit.
- Okay.

Wow, dad.

So, you just got done
giving me a lecture

on the importance
of locking my bedroom door

while in my house
to retrieve naked pictures

that your wife accidentally sent me.

The irony is just occurring to me.

Mm. Mm.

What are you doing?

What I'm doing... is deleting it.

Good for you.

Let's go to Vegas!

Ciao!

Do us a favor... no pictures.

Oh, Gloria, listen.

We do need to talk about
the bake sale at some point.

I have some concerns.

- Of course you do.
- Yes. - Bye-bye!

What do we do now?

Okay, I'm really afraid

of reading this situation
the wrong way,

but I'm 80% sure
you're coming on to me.

Okay, now... 40%.

Mitchell, we need
to make a decision.

It was the perfect plan.

Turn the rug, and she
wouldn't find the stain for years.

But we couldn't do it.

We're too honest.

There are certain moments
in life that define you,

and this is one of those moments.

Oh, guys, I'm so sorry
that took so long.

Oh, my God. What happened here?

Jackson did it.

He grabbed Lily's strawberry juice
and started drinking it.

What? Before we could stop him,
it was all over everything.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
We are horrible people.

I'm only following your lead.

Yeah, so close that you stepped
on the back of my shoe.

- Come here. Jackson's allergic
to strawberries. - What?

His throat will close up,
and he can go into anaphylactic shock.

I need to inject him right now!

- Oh! Are you sure?
- He seems all right to me.

Yeah, maybe just get him
some fresh air.

Stop talking! He really hates this.

And so I'm gonna need you

to help me pin down
his arms and his legs, okay?

- You know what?
- Jackson, honey,

mommy's so sorry to have to do this,

- Amelia...
- But it's only gonna hurt for a second.

- His arms!!
- Oh!

- Okay. Hurry.
- Here we go.

One, two...

- Wait!
- Wait!

Jackson didn't drink the juice!

I stepped on Lily's bag and
a juice box fell and we panicked

because we heard you on the phone

and we can't afford Joan Collins' rug!

We are so, so sorry.
We could not feel any worse.

Oh, no. That's bad.

Number 19!

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Number 19!

Oh, uh, can we have
some napkins, please?

All out of napkins.

Paper towels in bathroom, Mitchell.

He knows your name!

And, uh... I'm just gonna say it...

I'm really sorry
about what happened.

Well, we're... we're not sorry
about what happened.

We're sorry that
you saw what happened.

Yeah, okay. They... they get that.

Let's see.

Uh, no one wants
to see their parents...

Shhh...

- Your sensuality...
- ...not dressed.

Oh.

Basically, it's two adults.

Adults.

It's like you're shaking hands.

Mm-Hmm.

But you're not using
your hands at all.

I can't handle a big family
talk about this.

We're not gonna have a choice.

So when they start talking,

just smile and nod and
think about something else.

Yeah, it's easy. Just like at school.

Yeah.

So, I... I guess
what I'm saying here

is that as you get older

and... explore your sexuality,
you will discover

that as long as you are
in a committed relationship

with consenting adults,

there's really nothing
to be embarrassed about.

And let's face it... your mom
can't keep her hands off me

whenever the gun show comes to town.

Good one, dad.

Humor makes difficult
situations easier!

Wow. Really?

Totally.

You talked to us on our level
but without being condescending!

We did.

All right.

I guess we did.

Ha!

Yay, us.

I think we really handled that well.

Me too. You were excellent.

You were pretty good.

Ohhh. Wow.

Ugh, this is such a weird day.

I know it.

By the way...

happy anniversary.

It always is.

Mmm.

Hey mom, can I get...

oh, my God! Enough!

Hey, what's this?

Your anniversary present.

- Aww.
- That's very sweet.

My goodness.

What is it?

A door lock.

How embarrassing.

Thank you.

- We'll use it all the time.
- Mm.

We thought the lock
was a really good idea.

But the problem is... it makes a noise.

A loud noise.

Ugh!

It's hard for me to look
at dad afterwards.

Sync by YYeTs.net
corrected by gloriabg
www.addic7ed.com