Original subtitles

Marker.

Set up, please.

We'll arrive naked.

Woo, it's Night Calls Live.

We've got a Ryan from Michigan.

Joe from Oregon.

Chris and Kim from Canada. We have Amy from Arizona. You guys,

he's got you.

Woo, he's on fire tonight.

What's up,

baby?

Well, my husband wants to do a threesome, but I've never been with a

woman.

Haven't licked pussy in a while now, have you?

I don't know. I was raised Catholic.

Oh, well, we'll change that. I want to turn you into a nice little slut.

I just finished manning the fence, boss.

I'm very excited and hard.

It's not like a problem anymore, huh, Julie?

I mean, what if he likes her more than me? He's not going to. He's going to

like both of you at the same time.

Most men like two women together.

Are you sold?

No.

Well, what do I do to her?

Oh, you start... How's your breath?

Down to the stomach.

Start licking.

You

cold

for me, Miss Brandy?

Oh, girl.

You are such a sweet pea to come on up here all pronto and hot, just like I

wanted.

Well, what about Mr. Cecil?

Carl, you know who the boss is around here now, don't you?

You, ma'am?

That's a good boy.

She killed me.

This is okay.

You know better than that. Whatever I say is okay, huh?

I was

just checking to see if there's anything else I can do for you or the missus.

Your niece sure is one fine filly.

That's all in the chromosome, Zeke.

Right. I believe the missus is turned in for a siesta, so

that's all.

I reckon I'll get back to work. Julie and I are bisexual.

If there's anything else you're needing, just give a holler.

No, Sophie, you're not heterosexual. You're already thinking about having sex

and giving oral pleasure to another woman.

Definitely five days.

But we'll be back, and we're going to be rested and tanned. And wet.

Very wet.

Wet.

Even though we talk about all types of sex on this show. That's right. The best

sex is always safe sex.

supposed to be seeking enlightenment.

What can you think of wood?

This man has taken a vow of celibacy.

Besides, we're here trying to find our spiritual way, not wood.

But he's so cute, and he's huge, too.

He is pretty big.

Maybe it's his vow of celibacy.

You mean DSB?

Yeah.

Deadly sperm buildup.

a huge thing.

Let's check.

Doria, he's a monk.

He's in a trance.

We'll get in. We'll get out. No one gets hurt.

All right.

Wow.

Doria, I bet you can't put all of it in your mouth.

What happened to he's a monk, he took his vow of celibacy, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

Doria, how often do we find a penis that might not even fit in your mouth?

Good point.

That's it.

Oh, thank you.

Just a little more, and you can do it.

That's it. Now get out.

Doria, don't give him a head.

this tramp. Get out.

Doria.

Doria. Get out. I think he's about to come. Do something. Shut him up.

Hurry.

Oh, God.

Oh, Doria.

You have got to try this tramping thing.

I just wanted to know if your thing fit in my mouth.

Hey, it's getting really late. We better get to the studio.

Driver, to Playboy TV!

And hurry!

Wow, a real TV studio.

Okay, hurry.

We heard the show's only half over. We have a good excuse. Maybe he'll let us

on. How about we had to donate blood?

You know, we've done that one.

I know, sperm.

No.

Kidneys. Kidneys. That's perfect.

How are we going to explain Mug Boy?

Your new stylist.

Yeah. Perfect.

So, Rachel, what do you want to talk about tonight?

Tonight I lost my virginity. I lost it pretty late.

I lost mine at 4 a.m.

No.

That's Eden.

My boyfriend Tony, on my birthday, he got his limo and... A virgin story, a

virgin monk.

Julie, I think I'm getting an idea.

Well, I guess the damage is already done.

I think he's got that evening.

Where are we going?

Pat and Eden did a good job of covering for us. We should tell them.

What if they get too comfortable with the idea of covering for us? It's our...

show, Julie. We should still thank them.

Show them a good time.

They were on our couch, Julie. Take them out on the town.

Our couch?

Maybe even have sex with them.

I'm sold. Let's go.

I was wondering why the two of you would show up.

Hi, Bob.

I demand to know what's going on here right now.

Simple. Two of you didn't show up for work, so I got out my little fax kill

black book and I replaced you.

Easily.

It was Doria's fault. She was washing her hair.

My fault?

I thought we were donating kidneys.

Yeah, that too.

Are we fired?

Are we fired?

No, you're not fired, but you are punished.

Punished? Look, two of you do a good job, but you've got to be...

Here to do your job.

Now, show up for work on time next week and maybe I'll put you back on the air.

But right now, I've got to go because I have a show to produce.

I'm ready for my fax mail audition now, sir.

I only told you to wait in my office.

What?

Nothing.

What do we do now, Julie?

Tiptoe.

What?

Let's surprise her.

Let's just watch.

She is so beautiful.

Yeah? She's using a Julie Ashton rocket rocket.

Oh, God!

When did you two get out? Out?

What do you mean out?

Your producer told us that you guys were in jail for murder.

That explains a lot.

You knew we were here watching you, didn't you?

That's what made it more exciting.

Wow.

You look great.

I'm going to go find Eden.

Eden!

Eden!

Eden! Hey, Brother Brian.

I've seen this place.

I've been here before.

One of your visions?

All right, this is perfect. Now you can prove you actually have those powers.

What exactly do you see?

I see a woman in red panties.

Eden! Come on!

Kat, you and Eden did such a good job bringing in for us tonight. We'd like to

eat you out. I mean, take you out. Have you been eating?

I mean, have you eaten?

No. I love this music. It reminds me of Rio. Dance with me.

What is it with you guys?

I don't think they ever look at us.

Oh, please. What do you think?

Oh, are they watching us yet? Not really.

Now how are we doing, baby?

I don't know about these guys. They're either blind or they like show tunes way

too much.

Don't tease me.

Have you ever had sex with Eden?

No.

I guess motive just never met opportunity.

Why? I'm seeing something.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm just seeing the future.

Really? What else can you do?

Well, I can see people naked.

Prove it.

I can see that you have nice breasts.

Wow!

Everybody knows that I have a nice breath.

Besides, you've already seen me naked.

No, I mean really nice.

And your nipples are hard.

Wow. You really can see people naked.

Hey, it's her.

That's not Eden.

That's the woman I saw in my vision.

Lynn, the PA.

That's who you saw.

She is kind of cute, but she's not Eden.

Huh?

Eden's in the dressing room.

Excellent.

Hi.

What's up with the robe?

I'm a monk.

Yeah, right.

No, really.

Used to be.

Hey!

Angelina!

I haven't seen you since you were a fax girl.

Do you remember that show? That was a really good show.

Really good.

It would have been a lot better if the director hadn't called Kurt.

Damn it! What's wrong?

I can't seem to get my lipstick right.

What's wrong?

You look different.

Different? How?

Bigger.

Oh, you're just used to seeing me on a little TV screen, that's all.

How's this?

No.

Closer is definitely better.

Sarah, you look great.

Wow.

Thanks.

All

right.

You want to know the truth?

Sure.

Well, they wouldn't let me in here naked.

Right in here.

You wouldn't be laughing if you saw what I had under these robes.

Okay.

Show me.

Wow!

Can I touch it?

I don't see why not.

I can barely get my hands around it.

This is nice.

Not as nice as these.

You showed me yours.

Red.

Knew it.

What? Never mind.

Hmm.

Oh, what is it? Oh.

Oh.

Dead uncle.

Let's go. We've got to go.

Okay. Okay. Hold on.

Easy. Easy. Okay.

Because you're the helmet cam man.

So?

Might be useful one day.

What? Don't question my genius.

Sure. Whatever.

That's what it says. Your uncle's people have passed away.

You are in first year of the state if you get here immediately.

For the reading of the will.

Does he live far?

It's at least a full night's drive away.

Victoria, we have to have the limo back by 8 a.m.

Don't worry about the limo, Julie.

Victoria, we lose the limo at 8 a.m. Okay, okay.

Exactly. I told you not to worry.

Come on, let's get going. God, it's beautiful.

Let's do the reading of the will and get the hell out of God.

Oh, don't you like the wild west? Are you kidding? I don't even like Western

Hamlet. But it's all so romantic.

Cowboys. And furs.

And stirrups. Oh, my.

Rancids. And farm boys.

Rancid dressing.

Oh, my.

Ladies, I'm Zeke, the branch hand.

At your service.

We haven't been serviced for hours.

Oh, you must be Doria.

How'd you know?

From those nudie Polaroids your uncle had.

I liked the one with you and the midget.

And the clown.

That one was funny.

Well, I had fun taking it, too.

Midget? Clown?

Julie, it's a long story.

You brought quite a posse with you.

Oh, thank you.

Am I cut that tight?

Well, uh, time's a-wasting. The lawyers wait for us. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's the rush?

Well, your uncle and sister at the wheel must be ready for breakfast this

morning. Oh, let's get going then.

Well, I see our guests have arrived.

Who are you?

Brandy.

Mistress Brandy.

Oh, a dominatrix.

Cool. Oh, Mistress Brandy is the lady of the house.

Duh. I didn't think she was a chick with a dick or anything.

Oh, I see you're living up to your reputation.

I'm Cecil's widow, darling.

When did my uncle get married?

Oh, almost a year ago, dear.

True, our time together was so brief.

But... Very passionate.

Oh.

Well, time's a-wasting. The boss is real clear about his instructions.

Hello, everyone.

I am Max Moore, Esquire, Cecil's lawyer and the executor of his estate.

And quite a sizable estate it is.

I will now read from the will.

It's about time.

I mean, it's a sad time. Very sad.

What was Cecil's last name?

He didn't have one, the family tree. Or maybe you remember me as Cecil the Crazy

Bastard. Oh, I never called him that.

To his face.

Well, as you might or might not know, I made me a pretty penny for my

inventions.

suspicion to your affairs.

Thank God I never caught you.

Probably would have killed me.

Or will what's left of my fortune go to my...

is yours.

Oh, and if no one finds my dough by the time the sun sets,

I'm donating the whole thing to charity. And not just any charity, a real

stupid charity like Pet Psychology or something like that.

Good luck and happy trails.

All right. Oh, there we have it.

If you'd all be so good to go to your designated waiting areas, I will be

around momentarily with your clue.

Excuse me a moment, but I'm a bit foggy.

Duh.

Who gets the money?

Well, as I understand Cecil's intention, Brandy, his money is to be split evenly

between whomever finds it.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, nothing.

She seems a little distant.

Cat has a little problem.

Drugs? No.

Worse.

Hemorrhoids? No.

Masturbation. That's a problem?

Chronic masturbation. It has replaced real sex for her.

Maybe it's just a dry spell.

A wet dry spell.

Thought we'd get into the scary things.

Wow. You two look great.

Oh, maybe a little over jest, but you look pretty good.

Gloria, may I present your clue.

Now, I have work to do.

I will see you all again at sundown.

Well, here it is. Here's the clue.

Mr. Brandy. Oh, Zeke.

Relax, darling.

Oh,

I hope I'm not interrupting you.

No. What can I do for you, ma'am?

I have never been in your tent before.

It's very manly.

Thanks.

I picked the canvas out myself.

Oh.

What can I do you for?

Oh.

Sue, man.

You know, it's funny you should mention that, Zeke, because, well, I must tell

you, I know what you've been thinking.

Leek, I know the way you look at me.

How, uh, how's that, ma'am?

Like I look at you.

You do?

Oh, Leek, I have wanted you for a long time.

We can finally be together.

Haven't you also wanted me?

I reckon I... Oh, sure.

Good.

I like scrambled eggs and rye toast.

Long as you hold the eggs and hold the toast.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Hold the eggs and hold the toast.

That leaves us a rye. Maybe there's a bakery around here or something.

Whiskey. Rye whiskey.

I remember my Uncle Cecil. He built a saloon.

There's a saloon!

So, tell me, are you...

A breast man?

Or... A leg man?

Hmm?

What's the matter, sugar?

Cat got your tongue?

Or was it a pussy cat?

Hey, why did Uncle Bill fix the lamp?

So he wouldn't have to hear the words, last call.

We're looking for the rye whiskey.

Whoa, Miss Brandy, yeah. Whoa.

What is it?

Looks like a map.

No, no, four women having an orgy.

It's Cecil's ranch.

No, no, it's four women having an orgy. And these X's here, those are... No, no,

no, that's to the hidden treasure.

Or the tips of Shoe Pocket Rocket.

Just mama's nasty boy, aren't you? I have been watching you working all

around this ranch. You know how long I have wanted you.

Huh? Oh, Miss Brandy. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yes. I'm going to ride you.

Where to?

Paradise.

Now listen.

I want you to think about all those times that you wanted me,

but just couldn't have me.

And I want you to fuck me with all that built up desire.

I have an idea.

Since we only have until sundown, why don't you and I go to this X in the

north, and you, Cat, and Monk Boy go to the one on the south.

Julie, we only have one map.

You forget.

Where's Monk Boy?

I don't know.

He's probably off praying or something.

You know? I mean, all this talk about money and sex.

I bet he really misses Monkland and stuff.

Let's go!

This is wrong.

Wrong. Wrong.

Made to be a monk.

Made to pray.

Big bread.

Sex is wrong.

Good.

But wrong.

Soft touch of a woman.

Her sweet smell.

The taste.

The warm, euphoric sensations you feel when she sucks on you.

Hmm. If I had money, I can get lots of women.

Lots of beautiful, sweet-smelling, soft,

willing, wild, nasty women.

Now, was it a right turn toward the pasture?

Or was it a left?

Send me a sign.

A little sign for one of your flocks gone astray.

Send me a sign to find my way back.

I was just kidding about the women.

And I need the money to find my way back.

Don't I?

But that's fair and all.

You know what it's like.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'll burn it. I'll burn it.

There'll be plenty of time for more sex later.

But we have only till sundown to find that money before that overblonde neath

of his with the dark roots finds it.

Hmm?

Are you suggesting we work together?

Well, of course, darling.

I mean, no one knows his ranch better than we do, right?

I reckon so.

Yeah.

All right.

Let's do it.

What's he clue?

An acorn.

Nuts.

Always tripping over these things up in the... He must mean for us to go down

back for you by the old forest.

Right. Oh, now yours.

You know, it's just some useless personal little jab at me from beyond

the grave.

Sharper than a seventh tooth is the tongue of an ungrateful child.

See? Absolutely useless.

Sounds like poetry.

Right.

It's a quote, but I can't quite place it.

Right then.

Let's start with your clue.

The back 40, you say?

What is it that we're looking for exactly?

One of those little red X's like we saw on the map.

Oh.

Eden, do you think we're meant to find this money?

Only if we do.

How prophetic, in hindsight.

I don't see any little red X's.

But isn't it beautiful?

Yeah.

All I asked for was one little sign, dammit.

Show me something unusual, unmistakable, so that I know I'm in the right place.

Thank you.

Nine million dollars.

Nine million dollars.

Just think what I, I mean, we. Right, right. We. We. Could do. We have to find

it first. Nine million dollars. Yeah, we have to find it. I can't read this damn

thing.

Wait, Doria, which way is south?

Where the S is.

So? We go left.

Wait, no.

It still looks like an S to me, so we go right.

No. No, look.

Obviously. You know what?

that noise?

Wait, no, no, I think it's a message.

I saw it in a movie once.

So you know what they're saying?

They're saying, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Ooh, that sounds good to me, baby. Let's go.

Well, yeah, this is the back 40, Mrs. Brandy.

Look at all these drinks.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

Patience, darling.

I'm quite tired and dirty.

What I'd really like right now is a...

There's room for two.

All the money.

What you need is a rimming. What's a rimming?

I'll show you.

This is getting me nowhere.

I asked for a sign, a direction.

I don't need a little hint.

I need a hole.

A hole?

Hello?

You wouldn't lead me astray, would you?

We are running out of trees here.

Are you sure it was the back 40?

Yes, positive.

Ah!

Oh, Jesus, Pete, watch your damn step!

A key, a key. It must be to the tack room.

Why do you say that?

It's the only room on the ranch with a lock.

What about the cabin?

What if someone's inside? What if there's a big Indian savage brave in

there?

Well,

there's no Indian brave.

I know what this is.

This is the tunnel to the loot, and Brandy beat us to it. Damn it. Oh, let's

go.

Oh, shit, Dory. It's really dark down here.

and pick up some hunky French boys and take them back to our chateau.

We got a picture.

Let's find that money!

Oh, fuck this!

The divine guidance.

I get a divine goose chase.

Boss never let me in here before.

I'm sorry.

The key doesn't fit.

All this equipment and the boss didn't even have a horse.

Well, maybe he was, uh, planning on getting one.

What kind of horse wears these?

A fillet?

Oh, really?

Apparently you didn't know all the secrets,

now did you, darling?

Well, I reckon not.

Uh, Kat?

Those be my nipples, baby.

Sorry.

It's all right.

It's not going to turn on the lights. Ooh, it's going to sure turn me on.

Oh, no thank you.

Is this about your little problem?

I don't have a problem.

It's okay. Julie told me about it.

Masturbation is really good for you.

Oh, yeah?

Prove it.

Sure, babe.

Oh, yeah, that's scary.

Oh, yeah, that's scary.

That's really good.

More of that right there. Just the top.

More of that right there. Just the top.

A little more.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's better.

It feels like we might be getting a little too excited, young man.

Huh? Y'all gonna be sorry now.

Oh, you bad, bad boy.

I'm gonna find some extra, extra painful torture for you.

Great masturbation. Mine was better.

Kat, masturbation isn't a competition.

What do you mean? My orgasm was great because I could watch you.

Never underestimate a little extra visual stimulation.

Because you're hot, you got me wet. And my hand just kind of closed the deal.

You know what? I get it.

Thanks, Doria. Oh, yeah, baby.

What do we do?

Dig.

You dig.

I mean, we dig. We dig. We dig.

I can't believe we found it. Here, you hold the flashlight.

We found it before anybody else. Dig, dig.

Ah, God.

Is this supposed to be some kind

of a sign?

If so, I wish you'd make it a little clearer.

Works for me.

I have received your guidance.

Now if you could see into giving me just one more...

Thank you. Thank you.

You bastard!

Now, come on, Brandy. You can get the money.

There's money involved.

Just think.

Our money.

Versace. Gamo.

You can do this.

I think we should go this way.

You have a good sense of direction.

Just my photogenic memory.

Damn it, I was so close!

Hey, baby.

Is that a banana in your pants?

No, I'm just happy to see you.

It's okay. You can touch it.

And I've seen a lot of them.

Go ahead. It probably won't bite.

Give it a knock on it.

That's what it's there for.

Thank you, darling.

anything. Hey, there's somebody in there.

Hello, ladies.

Zeke. Is it my imagination or is he looking a little bit green?

We better come on.

I gotta have that thing inside of me.

Hey, you don't mind to resist.

From behind.

Come on, darling.

Come here, big boy.

Sharper than a serpent's tooth is the tongue of an ungrateful child.

Whatever the heck that means.

King Lear!

I said it first. No, I did. I did. I did not. Lady, if you're talking about books

and learning, the only place where there's books on the ranch is the

saloon.

minutes yet?

Almost, just two more. Fuck this, I gotta pee.

Well, hurry up, we're on a schedule.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I was meant to dig, send me a sign.

If we ever get out of here, we really should work together.

Don't you think?

I'll lick you if you don't make me dig all these up.

Come on, come on. We've got to go.

Are there any books in here?

Here!

Wow.

Leather bound in everything.

How the hell are we going to get out of here?

A prayer.

All right.

Prayer's not working.

Can I get a little help here?

One, two, three.

What was that quote again?

Just another one of his spiteful jabs at me. Top of a serpent's tooth is the

tongue of an ungrateful child.

Huh?

Well, you see, recently our age difference has gotten to him. He

developed a little problem, not even medication could help.

Let's just say he was always calling me an ungrateful child.

Excuse me.

Oh, yes.

Well, the serpents live in the grass, and one of Doria's clues led to the

pasture. I hate serpents. I'll take that one then.

They're a... Hmm, an ungrateful child.

Ungrateful child. Is there a nursery or a playground on the...

No, nothing but an old tire swing down by the swimming hole.

Great. You check it out and meet me back here in a half hour.

Wait, hold on one second.

You're a monk.

You wouldn't go double-crossing me or nothing sinful like that, now would you?

Of course not.

Alright, okay.

The sun is setting.

We'll cover more ground if we split up. Alright.

Was

it

better here before?

Pretty strange, isn't it? Yeah, is it fair?

No, the boss, even in death, he's a little crazy bastard.

What was that?

Check it out.

got me out of there.

What exactly is there?

It's the secret passageway.

And we found it by accident.

Oh.

Hey, we think we figured this out. We need your map.

Great. Come on.

Well, it's quick.

Okay.

We're still missing a piece of the puzzle.

The map was your clue, Doria.

And then Zeke's clue led to a key that led to one overlay.

Oh, that Brandy stole.

And Brandy's clue led to that overlay.

Exactly. The map and the overlays worked together.

Cecil meant that everybody worked together.

That crazy bastard.

Zeke, did you say that Brandy's clue had an X on it?

Yes, I think so.

I get it.

overlay identifies the target.

Exactly. And this one neutralizes them. Except for one, if I'm right.

So we have to find the clue that Brandy stole.

That's right.

But this place is huge.

How are we ever going to find her? And it's almost sunset.

Damn it.

It's over.

At least I still have my tent.

Did you give up when I wouldn't get into the bathtub with you?

No, you talked me into it. You didn't give up.

We see things through to the end. That's what we do.

Why? Because we're the night calls, girls.

Yeah, we're the night calls, girls.

the devotion I've shown that old coot.

What? The front yard?

Miserable old bastard.

Uh-oh.

Hurry!

The hawker! It's the only place we haven't looked!

They're equally in the inheritance.

You did all work together.

Yes, of course.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Fantastic, then. A six-way split should give each of you a small fortune.

Anyone for dinner?

Hey, wait just a second.

We have one more piece of business to attend to.

It's the money. No, no, Goya. That's not it.

Weren't you going to tell us?

Tell you what?

Cecil's dead.

Helmut, what are you doing here?

Well, first I wasn't sure what my mission was, but now, you know, after

everything I've seen here, through the camera lens, of course, I think we

almost have the making of a great Nightcalls movie.

What do you mean, almost?

Technically, all we really need is a big ending.

was pretty good, you know, for the two of you, but I was kind of hoping for a

shot of the money.

Oh, sorry.

How's this?

Holy shit!

Woo!

Almost there, almost there. Wait, I got it.

Why don't y'all get naked, hop in the hot tub, and rub money all over each

other? That'd be like the perfect ending for everyone.

You up for that? Come on.

had sex with Eden?

No. I wanted to for years, but I guess opportunity just never

met. Sorry. What's my line?

How's this?

How's this?

How's this?

You are just Mama's nasty boy, aren't you?

I can't get these off.

Come on, Miss Brandy.