Original subtitles

Could you tell us what the reaction of the President was

when he found out that you had found the diamond?

Tell us please, it's very important...

I didn't expect you to come.

A week ago we ate our last can of beef stew.

- What did you feel when you found the diamond? - Let's have a drink! Pour some!

- Did you feel like national heroes? - Get lost with your questions!

I almost threw it away,

Thought it was a rock

And I was like "Are you fucking nuts?!"

And I thought, just like her, Well... diamond!

A planet spins, a planet blue Named Earth, named Earth

And all the lands and nations spin along. And at a depth by eyes unseen,

There lies a chunk of carbon, Made diamond by a thousand ages.

A diamond, incredible diamond...

We never disagreed how to name it.

I said, let's name it in honor of

the 3rd anniversary of the formation of the Commonwealth of Independent States

"The 3rd Anniversary of the Formation of the Commonwealth of Independent States"

And me, I was like "Are you fucking nuts?!"

So you immediately agreed on the name?

You can't find a better one, look at it -

it's the spitting image of the 3rd anniversary of... that one... you know...

Yeah...

You know.

I'm gonna fucking shoot everyone!

Bronya! Bronislava!

What, scared, you shitty democrats?! Take that!

The whole world is watching the situation developing

around the diamond found in Russia.

South African miners promised not to leave the mine

until they find a larger stone.

'We ain't gonna leave the mine. You hear, you motherfucker!'

Today at 12:48

a gem of extraordinary size was found

in the Yakutia mine named "Hopeless".

Amazing, fantastic, gorgeous,

the world's largest diamond, found in Russia,

is on its way to Moscow!

In 2 minutes you will hear the President of Russia

addressing the Russian-speaking... Russians.

First of all I want to congratulate all the Russians:

at last our day has come.

I've always said that only a miracle could save us -

and here it is...

If our government decides to sell this diamond,

it will not only completely remove the problem of our external debt,

but also allow the whole country, every person,

to spend three years in the Canary Islands.

We're already negotiating with the Canarians...

Speed 350, Altitude - 200.

Everything is going fine so far...

What a crazy fog above Moscow... Can't see shit!

Don't worry, guys, we'll guide you down!

Speed 250, altitude - 100.

Wait, who's on flight control? Is that you, Vitya?

Oh, man - we've got experts from all over the country.

Didn't tell me...

There we go! Can't believe you got scared.

Regiment! Dress! Attention!

For the ceremonial reception of the State Commission

Arriving from the capital of our homeland!

The diamond - Savior of Russia!

Present arms!

- Reporting for duty, comrade General of the Army... - Please, no formalities!

For the excellent completion of the mission the President has promoted you all by one rank...

And you - by six ranks at once!

Hold this.

Excuse me, a bit of red tape here.

Yes, we should be thankful they aren't taking fingerprints.

You'll get the papers for your promotions and new assignments at the airport.

Personal request from the President - stay humble, comrades.

It's the wrong time for that, you understand.

What the hell? It's a state airfield and they're driving like it's the Autobahn.

People going nuts. Country is falling apart!

Colonel General, General of the Army, Marshal - So I must be a Generalissimo!

You forgot Field Marshal.

We'll figure it out, Lyosha.

Shut up when you speak to your superior!

Are you an officer or what?

I don't get it.

Who is the genius that parked a plane on the highway?

Father, where are we?

Well, let's say - Russia.

That's a good start. And more specifically?

Drake Village, Tula Region.

Shirly-myyyrli, shir-maniiiirly, shir-matyyrkin, mur-murkiiiin!

New-York, yes!

Good morning... They don't understand that.

Hello... They don't understand that either.

Good morning.

Hi. (Master says he's very glad to meet you.)

He understood, thank God.

Is the thing with you? (You got the goods?)

As we had agreed. Have you got money? In cash?

That's very good, because I don't really trust checks.

The largest in the history of mankind!

The old man's nervous.

World champion in karate! (The world champion of karate!) In carats, I mean. (He's meaning carats)

The Japanese offered me 3 more billion

But I don't really trust yens.

By the way, you can cut glass with it. The hardest (firmest) mineral in nature.

Why, he's an alcoholic! ...I get it, it's a big deal.

Counterfeit.

Oh... (sighing in Russian)

(Master says you want to deceive him.)

(He says that's no way to do business.)

(Your behavior really upset him.)

Who the f***?

I'm asking you, who the f*** replaced it?

[in Russian] Stop talking, Snotsky!

[in Russian] This isn't an Odessa flea market, it's the United States of, get this, America!

Swear on my mother's grave, I didn't shut my eyes for 5 days!

I was in the sauna with this suitcase.

No one but me ever got a hold...

Vas'ka Rabbitov, that bitch!

- I warned you. - See?

- [in Russian] You trying to bullshit me, Snotsky? - Excuse me, we screwed up.

Those... Russians!

[singing] From behind an isle, Into the deep stream, the open river wave

Sail out the painted Barks of Sten'ka Razin.

Very carefully, don't interfere, let him sing, make sure he sings.

Let him sing the song to the end.

- So, first, smear Rabbitov on the pavement. - Roger, boss!

No!

Cut him into strips to wear on fancy hats.

But! But first squeeze the stone out of him!

[singing] On the first sits Sten'ka Razin In an embrace with a princess.

Celebrating the new wedding, He is merry and tipsy.

Shirly-myyyrli, shir-maniiiirly, shir-matyyrkin, mur-murkiiiin!

Last one, Kolya. Okay?

- Vasyatka! - Mom!

Sonny, you came back! Usually I only see you on TV...

Well, the subject is on location. Initiating Operation "Arrest".

Don't let us down, brothers!

We begin on my mark, and only on my mark!

He never forgets, he does his time - and immediately visits his mom.

What a good son you raised. God bless us all so.

- Missed my sauerkraut? - Yes.

He loves my sauerkraut.

Writes me from every prison:

"I remember your sauerkraut, mom."

God bless us all with such a good pickling.

Want me to bring you some freshly made?

No, mom, please rest. I will do everything myself.

What a considerate son I've got. He's so considerate!

God bless us all so.

Now, eat, eat.

- I bet Siberian prisons don't pickle cabbage like this. - No they don't.

No they don't!

The way they pickle cabbage there... God, don't bless anyone so.

Attention. The subject is on location. Initiating Operation "Arrest".

God help us.

Shut up, you!

- I handed it over... - Who did you hand it to?!

What has it come to - generals punching each other in the face!

I am investigating the circumstances of this case.

I can say that the case got off the ground. [special investigator Peepeenov Jean-Paul Nikolaievich]

We already managed to find some facts, [special investigator Peepeenov Jean-Paul Nikolaievich]

Which confirm that... that... [special investigator Peepeenov Jean-Paul Nikolaievich]

...Let's just say the case got off the ground.

And we can already say for sure

That by the new presidential decree the perpetrator will be hanged.

What the..!

Careful, Vasyatka, there's some junk erected over there.

Why, mother, have you let yourself go this way?

Your residence... isn't picked up at all.

Me, Vasen'ka,

I clean the whole place, twice a day, plus repairs.

Your mother... is a neat freak. God bless us all so.

Well then, perhaps, I have something wrong with my eyes.

Your eyes are healthy.

But you, bitch, are sick in the head. Since childhood.

Within my social circles, mother, the word "bitch" is considered very hurtful.

You don't say!

Therefore, please try not to use it in speech.

But I'm still really curious, BITCH,

What did you swipe to make them search my place twice a day?

I lay down new flooring in the evening, and the cops pull it off by the morning.

I glue on new tiling in the morning

And by the evening Snotsky drills it out.

With such a life, God bless nobody.

And how about poor Nikolai Grigoryevich?

He had to witness the search 17 times.

God bless nobody so.

We begin only on my mark!

On Monday I'm building a mansion on the Moscow River. 4 stories or so,

- With a park, of course. - With a park?

The ground floor will be yours, mom.

- But I'm kinda used to the neighbors. - The neighbors can come too.

To him. Him!

Nikolai Grigoryevich, would you like to live on the Moscow River?

Nikolai Grigoryevich, how are you feeling?

Kolya!

You know, lately I'm weakening:

What's funny is that everything is fine in the morning.

But later in the day, I'm literally falling off my feet.

I take two steps and I fall, take two steps and I fall...

Not to worry, we'll cure that in Switzerland. And my hemorrhoids too.

Hemorrhoids are from sitting. You sit too much! You must walk!

The element of surprise is key.

We break the windows and yell as we burst in...

Face to the wall! Freeze, it's an order!

- Di-di... - D-d-do you have some business, comrades?

Diamond!!! He's trying to eat the diamond!!!

Spit!

Spit out the national heritage, you hear me, Rabbitov? Spit!

You bitch!

Now your only possible easy death is to commit a seppuku on yourself.

Comrades, it seems you're working class, but you talk like the mafia or something.

Here's the deal - the police does its job, and you do yours.

- Agreed? - Agreed.

Very well.

- To the hospital, quick! - Yes, sir!

Vasily Rabbitov. A con artist extraordinaire.

- 7 convictions. - 8.

You don't say!

- I'm telling you, 26 escapes. - 23.

You don't say!

I'm telling you, speaks 3 languages: Nanai, Mordvinic, and Romanian.

- This is the cross-section of the brain. - Rabbitov's brain?

Whoa... what a dirty mind...

You know, a physical examination shows nothing.

- How can that be? - Seems quite strange.

[singing] Innumerable lie the diamonds in the caves of stone...

- Stop! Back down! What's your problem? - Can't stand it when people sing off key.

- I could kill him! - Shut up!

Don't worry, doctor.

He really does go nuts when someone sings off key.

For some odd reason, he can't even stand my singing.

That's how he got his nickname: the Musician.

- Good afternoon. - ...Hi.

- So, could we take a peek at the patient's stomach? - Let's!

Excuse me, colleague, is it your first day here?

- Uhuh. - Pleasure to meet you!

Go on, go on, it won't hurt. The doctor will only take a look.

So, will you give it up by yourself? Or what?

By myself. As soon as I have a BM. The first BM is all yours.

Don't breathe, patient!

- How big was the diamond? - Huge. The size of my fist. About so.

You don't say!

How can it come out the same way? How?

I'll show you how!

There it is! No, that's not it.

- Then what was that? - Could be cramping!

What?

What is it? What's the matter? Get up! Up, up, Rabbitov!

What are you trying to pull here?

The cramping started. I'm dy-y-y-y-....

The pulse... is threadlike.

The pulse is almost gone. To the intensive care unit, quick!

Hurry, hurry, hurry, get him into the vehicle over there.

Watch the stairs.

Help me, good man. I'm too young to die.

Very carefully, very carefully!

Okay, he's in. Now close the doors!

Driver to the wheel, I'll ride shotgun...

- Stop or I'll shoot! - Don't shoot! Get him alive!

My watch...

Get ready, we've almost got him! Hands up!

There is nobody inside.

- There he is. Hold the steering wheel. - But I can't drive...

Shoot at the tires!

Prisoner! Out of the tram!

- Did I stutter? Mind your belongings as you exit! - Why don't you take a breather?

Driver, halt the public transport!

There is a dangerous offender inside!

Everybody, stand still... Where is he?

Shirly-myyyrli... shir-maniiiirly...

shir-matyyrkin... mur... mur... kiiiin!

Is the beer cold?

You see, Galochka, they're already here.

Hasn't even been 5 minutes since we called. See?

I think I'm already giving birth...

- Does this building have a back door? - Yes. But, doctor, what about...?

- Don't start without me! - Alright, doctor, alright.

Let's walk very, very carefully, just like that...

We are approaching the subject. This time - it's all over.

Open it...

Hands up!

Damn it!

Congratulations! What a happy day!

Let me through! There's a woman going into labor!

Come on, let the emergency workers through!

My wife is giving birth! Probably gave birth already!

- Ich liebe dich! - Thank you very much.

Here's the plan: you grab a whole regiment of SWAT,

And lie in ambush at the Rabbitov apartment.

- Understood? - Understood, comrade captain.

Good, and I will chase him in my car by myself.

What a fraudster, just you wait!

- He won't escape! - Where could he even go?!

What was that? What just happened?

What the fuck, some kind of miracle!

Wow, unbelievable!

Let's go, guys! Follow me!

Search warrant again? Then we need to call a witness. Kolya!

- No witness needed, Praskov'ya Aleksevna. - Why not?

We just came to hang out. In an ambush.

Ah! Then come in - I'm just back from shopping.

Nikolai Grigoryevich, what happened?

Took a rough one down the stairs.

Getting very bad, can't stand on my own feet.

I'm thinking, maybe it's the sauerkraut?

*From the Russian Security Council*

Do you recognize the handsome man? *Today at 11:47*

*A highly dangerous recidivist escaped from temporary holding*

Vasyatka! Escaped again? My tenacious little boy!

*Rabbitov Vasily Ivanovich, born 1953* Oh, why am I...

People bring me such good news, and I'm starving them.

I'll get you some sauerkraut from the very bottom -

It pickles better there.

Not from the bottom! Too much salt is unhealthy!

- Hello! Comrade foreman? - Yes?

Please work somewhere else for a while.

This is an ambush. We're catching a highly dangerous criminal.

- Understood. - Yeah, yeah, you're gonna catch him!

Down!

Are you trying to teach us how to catch him? Go and get him if you're so smart!

- Me, I'll get him. - Sure, you'll get him!

Don't say that!

The only thing he'll catch is crabs. No, he seriously offended me.

I'm really embarrassed to have you over like this.

Let me tidy up a bit, set the table.

And then you'll come in and stay all night.

Maybe longer, you never know.

Well, of course, of course.

Wait on the stairs, and I'll call you later.

Nikolai Grigoryevich,

Hope you don't image that I have anything serious with him...

- Vasyatka! - Mom!

Comrades.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Fellow countrymen.

Brothers and sisters!

Help us find the scoundrel at last!

The country is on the verge of economic collapse.

No, darling, not now!

But, Carol, why not now?

Why not here?

Sorry, Innokenty Ivanovich - Gypsies.

Who? Why are they pushing me?

Gypsies, darling! I so love "Dark Eyes"!

I so love Gypsy music!

[singing traditional song verse] Two guitars behind the wall, la-la, mournfully whining...

Shut up! Shut up, I told you!

But why, darling?

Let's, "darling", agree from the start:

You may love another man - infidelity I will understand, and forgive.

- But if you love Gypsy music... - Oh, yes!

Then let's divorce before the wedding. Without question!

I'm pursuing a vehicle. Make - "Lincoln".

Inside is the criminal Rabbitov.

Heading straight at me...

Effing ass! Car crash!

They killed Roman!

Roman Diamondov!

Quiet!

Look at you: stuck a hat on your head and sunglasses on your face,

Why don't you close your eyes too!

Can you see anything in front of you??

In front of me I see a great-power chauvinist!

Quiet! Come to the station to get your license back. Got it?

- Imperialist arrogance! - Exactly that!

Quiet! You're interfering with the pursuit of a highly dangerous criminal! Is that clear?

Got it?

*Distinguishing features of the fugitive: height - 173 centimeters.*

*Face - oblong, trustworthy*

*Eyes - brown, shifty. Expression - kind.*

*Hair - straight, black.*

*...It's a clean-looking, good-looking, straight, black kind of hair.*

They're lying about the height. It's 175.

*Peculiarities.*

*On his back - tattooed in bold letters: "I won't forgive the collapse of the USSR"*

You're right.

*In his stomach - the swallowed diamond.*

We should tell the police, I've got them here in the ambush.

No, the police supplies correct information.

*Rabbitov Vasily Ivanovich*

You're right.

*may be impersonating*

It's the freemasons on TV subtracting.

*the brother of the People's Artist of the USSR and Russia - Alla Borisovna Pugachyova*

*or Wolf Zhirinovsky*

You're right.

*the father of the famous Russian politician, Vladimir Zhirinovsky*

- And who is that? - The free masons.

*As Leopold's midgets...*

*Rabbitov especially gladly impersonates an OB/GYN*

Basically - it's the Jews.

- Erm, who? - Jews!

*�itizens...*

They're always trying to make the Russian man shorter.

*Those who assist in locating his whereabouts*

*Will receive a reward of great size*

*But not exceeding*

*The Gross Domestic Product of our country*

Here's finally the car with the newly-weds.

Right here in a few minutes

A festive registration of marriage will take place.

The marriage of the distinguished conductor Innokenty Schniperson

And the great-great... great-great granddaughter

of the famous US President Lincoln.

The charming great-great-great... is named daughter.

Sorry, you understood of course - her name is Carol Paragraph.

You know, there really is something symbolic about the union

Of the fates of the distinguished Russian Schniperson

And the grand-grand-grand greatdaughter of a famous American.

Innokenty Ivanovich, do you agree to take as your wife

Citizen of the United States of America Ca... Carol Paragraph.

Well... why else would I have come here?

Alright then, keep going with the next line.

And you, Carol Charles-ovna, do you agree to take as your husband Innokenty Schniperson?

Well why else would I have come here?

Respond when asked! Look me straight in the eye, I told you!

Keep going with the next line.

Right now the great-great-great... Well Paragraph... Schniperson...

Will sign the most important document in the world...

Back off! Freeze!

Busted, my dear fellow. You can't escape Moscow police!

- We made it! We made it, Innokenty Ivanovich! - Back off!

There is a God in heaven, he's saving you for the music and for the country!

If he's Innokenty Ivanovich, then I'm Abdullah!

Is this a marriage registry or an insane asylum?!

Darling!

Can anybody actually explain to me what's going on?

You! You'll pay for everything!

I am Innokenty Schniperson!

Yeah, a.k.a. Avtandil Kalashnikov, a.k.a. Alyosha from Murom,

a.k.a. a preacher of the South-Korean sect of Reverend Moon

named "Dip-Yo-Junk-In-Chai".

Yes, this is my bridegroom! Bridegroom, yes!

Of course: you've got foreign currency, foreign passports.

Planning to take the diamond out of the country?

Yes, morning, morning we fly New York.

Well, obviously not to Kazakhstan.

I'm ordering the entire gang: line up in rows of four!

A step to the side I'll consider an escape,

While a jump will be seen as an attempt to fly away.

I open fire without warning!

Just as it should be!

Fyodor Pavlovich,

My unforgettable teacher, taught me to sniff them out.

Fyodor Pavlovich? Which subject?

He specialized in cracking safes.

Imagine in your mind, he said,

Their special hat on their head

At once you'll see: a mason, or one of us.

Truly there's no limit to human creativity!

To be honest, I can't always imagine one.

So just in case, I always carry one with me.

If I doubt anyone - try it on, pal!

- What? - The hat!

What for?

Why don't you get it, mom! They consider us goys!

- What's that? - Who the hell knows!

They all lie and keep secrets. But the truth did come out once.

Must've gotten a no-nonsense investigator.

After that Fyodor Pavlovich...

- The teacher? - The unforgettable one!

He let me read the protocols... the interrogation records, basically.

"We have to take over all newspapers, all TV shows, all the mass media

And influence the goys"... Can you imagine, mom?

Mom! Turn the TV on and see -

not a single Russian face!

[from TV] * ... Appeared in front of us as a bridegroom*

*Of this lady*

*Whose identity we will soon establish*

*I'm the well-known conductor, Innokenty Schniperson, a musician*

You're right - not a single Russian face.

*Innokenty Ivanovich!*

*So you admit to being the Musician?*

*But you deny being Rabbitov?*

*Sure! It's easier to be a Schniperson nowadays*

*What would your mother think if she heard you?*

*A simple Russian woman, Praskov'ya Aleksevna*

*Innokenty Ivanovich!*

*I is national of the United State!*

*I demand tell immediately the ambassador.*

*Why are you thinking so small?*

*He must arrive here!*

*Why the ambassador? Let's call Clinton directly.*

*And tell him you attempted to smuggle the diamond across the border!*

*And here's the main character of our story*.

*Take a look - Rabbitov, the famous thief and con man*

*I'm an orphan. I was raised in a Kherson orphanage.*

*Kherson? We can check that.*

What is this? I don't fucking...

Did they make a film about me or something?

*Did you see the papers?*

Good God!! Keshka showed up!

Mom, mom! What kind of stunt is this?

Forgive me, Vasen'ka, the foolish sinner. Forgive me, for Christ's sake! Forgive!

And you, Keshen'ka, forgive, if you can!

I am guilty before you. Oh, so guilty!

I wanted to tell you long ago, but was afraid...

You're not my son, Vasyatka! Not my son!

Oh, mother. Of course, sauerkraut is a great thing,

but you require more substantive nourishment!

I remember it like it was yesterday. Varya is dying.

Ivan Israelich is in the other room, crushed by the grand piano,

And you're all screaming, all begging for breasts!

- Mother, focus, mother! - What?

I'm ready to share your woes, but step by step.

- First: Varya is dying, who is that? - Who is Varya?

Varvara, my very own sister!

She's the mother to you and Keshka, not me!

Well, let's suppose so.

Second - who is that in the other room?

- Ivan Israelich? - Mhmm.

Your daddy, worked as a grand piano tuner.

Varya was a cleaning lady at the Composers' Hall.

So he tuned himself into her, despite being 52 years older.

Nothing unlawful - they registered the marriage.

While she walked around pregnant, he played the piano for her.

For example, Beethoven. Or Rodion Shchedrin...

Mom, mo-om!

And when Varya went into labor - he again ran to the grand piano.

To give the baby a perfect ear for music, he said.

And he started hitting the keys so hard...

Rachmaninoff's Concerto number 2, as I recall.

So hard, the piano's legs broke and he went under.

And did he really need much, at 93 years of age?

And why did multiple people beg for breasts?

Because the birth was twins: you and Keshka!

When Varya saw that Ivan Israelich got crushed, she got really bad.

The labor was already difficult. There were so many of you...

...That she gave her soul up to God.

After the funeral, I looked around: sweet Mary, mother of God!

So many twins lying, screaming, begging for breasts!

Working as a train conductor, between Moscow and Kherson,

I could never raise you all - an orphanage would be better.

But you Vasen'ka, you stretched your little arms to me!

I look: straight black hair, brown eyes, height - 175 centimeters,

So I thought - I'll raise at least one. Raise one proper person.

I dropped off Kesha at a Kherson orphanage. On the doorstep.

See what became of him, without proper home care! Forgive me, Keshen'ka!

Stretched my little arms to you, you say? Juuust my luck.

If I was born without arms, I'd be a famous pianist now.

What would you play with, this thing?

...Just wondering, couldn't Kesha pick a better pseudonym than "Schniperson"?

It's the name of the father - of Ivan Israelich. I wrote it in the note I left with the baby.

I registered you under my name - Rabbitov.

Hang on a minute!

- What was the name of my paternal grandfather? - Israel Leibovich.

The reason I remember: Ivan Israelich wanted to name his son "Israel",

To honor the grandfather.

But after he died I picked "Vasya", so you wouldn't stand out.

Auntie-mommy,

With God as our witness, tell me, like one Russian soul to another,

In truth, I am "Israel Schniperson"?

Forgive me, dear Israel, the foolish sinner!

Forgive me, Israel, son of Ivan!

Forgiving, mother, means understanding.

But understanding that I am a Schniperson... is beyond me. It blows my fuses.

Praskov'ya Aleksevna! ...Still tidying up.

Whoa - what are you doing?

Be quiet! We're ambushing your neighbor.

Who? Vas'ka?

- He got nabbed already. - By who?

Watch TV, cutie pie!

They've been at it for an hour - what are they looking at?

It's the police - looking at criminals.

- What is it, madam? - It's mademoiselle.

- The hell's your problem, mademoiselle?! - Barbarian!

Take a walk.

What's the matter with these people...?

Boss! Boss! Rabbitov got nabbed.

Just said so on TV - he tried to marry some American!

Exactly like Motya the Snotty - he tried to rape a Swiss.

Got it. Even in hell he won't hide from me! We're off.

A moment, boss... just to do a number one.

- But only a number one. - Yep!

We'll do number twos, when we reclaim the diamond.

- That's it, skedaddle! - I'm busy.

Look forward!

Boss! They did not nab Rabbitov! Boss!

Quite a wedding fell through, eh?

Where'd you get the fancy suits? Rented them from the Bolshoi Theater?

Serious crooks.

Who's the father of the bride, Rabbitov? Some millionaire?

I am Schniperson. And the bride's father is a senator...

Vas'ka! You're the fucking man! Keep it up! Don't spill the beans!

- Quiet, Shitdryev! - Don't sweat it, chief, we're civilized people.

Don't play dumb with me, Musician.

Where's the doctor's watch? Traded it for this shit?

This watch is a gift from the American President. ...Watch your manners!

Check out Vas'ka! Look what the motherfucker is doing!

Hello! I am the ambassador of the United States of America.

This my spouse Jennifer.

Holy shit, black people!

Oh! "Ho-ly shit"

- Jennifer is studying modern Russian culture. - Yes.

You here general? ...In charge?

I guess I'm "general". And what's up?

- They're here for us!... - Purse your lips, bitch!

Shitdryev, you're gonna get it!

...Who the hell they think they are?

- Hands off our pigs! - Sit down! Go away!

- Heard me, blackass? - Stop it!

- "Bla-ack-ass-ss!" - Quit shoving.

- Fuck off. - Why should I fuck off?

Making our pigs follow their rules... I'm warning you!

Allow, I explain.

This person is famous musician and groom Innokenty Schniperson.

I'm sure we'll resolve this misunderstanding.

Me and wife Jennifer be invited Russian wedding.

"The hell they think they are".

Stop fucking recording me!

He's the Musician, we're aware. Witness, hang up the phone!

- The whole world knows him! - I think you're exaggerating.

The criminal world, sure - in our country.

Maybe in Poland, Romania... Witness, I'll break your face!

But in America? I don't think...

His last White House concert was broadcast all over the world!

Captain! Saw this faggot in the Moscow suburbs,

selling wooden dildos.

By insulting me, you insult a great nation!

This is my first serious warning to you.

Shitdryev, I'll shove your eye up your ass!

He's pissing me off, captain! Strutting like he owns the place. Amb-ass-odor!

- Come closer, I'll privatize you. - "Eye up..."

- A concert at the madhouse, you say? - The White House.

I see. And the President gave him a watch?

Yes, Mr. President was delighted by the performance.

- "E-e-eye up your... ass". - You don't say!

- A real golden watch. - A watch with a diamond. Right...

Genius!

Hell, see what the bastards do? Taking everything.

Timber, coal, chicken shit, now they got to our proverbs.

- The President was delighted? - Yes, absolutely delighted.

In that case - hands up!

That's right, get 'em, captain!

This is my second serious warning.

- My nation won't tolerate... - Where'd you learn to bluff so well?

Alright, search and fingerprint them.

- I bet they've got outstanding warrants. - Yes, sir!

- Are you totally nuts? [Russian slang follows] - Calm down!

Donut munchers!

Copper popos!

- Your eyes up your ass! - Calm down, calm down, calm down!

Our patience has limits! Connect me with the White House!

- What's that? What's that? - Mr. President!

- Ambassador to Russia speaking... - Give me your arm, pal.

I will break your arm!

...The US President, the US ambassador, and the wife of the US ambassador...

Stop talking, I said! Stop it!

C'mon, give me the phone!

Sprinkle some water on the black guys!

Comrade captain, it's the President from the Kremlin.

Speaking. Who's a general? I'm a general? I'm Peepeenov.

Allow me to report - the dangerous repeat offender Vasily Rabbitov,

With his criminal accomplices the ambassador and President of the USA...

Third World War?? Because of me??

Already started??? Ohh, you said "retarded"!

Let everyone go? Even Shitdryev?

Yes, sir! Everyone is free to go!

This won't go unpunished...!

Our valiant ambassador!

Well? So?

The President just made me a colonel.

- How? - Very simply.

- He said, "General Peepeenov, you can now consider yourself a colonel."

- We found nothing, boss. - Search!

He's got it here, I feel it in my heart. Did you look in the sauerkraut?

[disguised voice] Hello, who is it?

- Praskov'ya Alekseyevna, please. - Speaking.

- It's me, Vasily. - It's me, Snotsky.

I've long yearned to tell you, Vasily: a man only lives once.

An amazing coincidence, I've also been recalling that lately.

I think it's high time for us all to repent and start anew.

Personally, I'm wedding at church now, and leaving for America by morning.

Where I'll pray for your soul, homo.

Give back the diamond, you bloody monk!

Innokenty Ivanovich!

This is horrible! To confuse you with some... villain!

Where were their eyes? And what madman dressed you?

- Where are the guests? Carol? - That CIA spy has forever left the maestro's heart!

- Who are you? - He is Koozya, Schniperson's fan.

And the bride will arrive later, she's still wedding at the church.

...You've driven me completely mad!

Only music can restore mirth to life. And anyway - where's my concert suit?

The servant of God Innokenty is wedding the servant of God Carol

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

As they say in the old Russian proverb:

"The best Paragraph is an epitaph"... I mean, "Save the bust for lust".

The servant of God Carol is wedding the servant of God Innokenty

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Relax everyone. The wedding is interrupted due to technical difficulties.

Amen, comrades.

Schniperson. Concerto No. 47 for piano and orchestra.

3,865th opus. Conducted by the composer.

Howdy. Hi. What's up, bros!

Confrontation!

So, explain to me, where you hid the diamond.

Are we going to talk or play dumb?!

Oh, yes!

So, ready to face the music, Musician? Where's the diamond?

I will answer only in the presence of my attorney!

That's fine. Here's the attorney, here's the prosecutor, and there is the jury.

Professor, commence the cleansing!

Unbelievable! Looks just like him.

[singing] The soul was full of you...

- Watch! - Who?

The doctor's watch! On his wrist!

No, no. That's impossible.

OK! By the new presidential decree...

So, I'm going...

Going to the concert hall, you stay here on the radio.

- Cleansed completely? - We even washed his brains.

You will answer! Answer for everything! I am... I am a People's Artist, a laureate!

I'm a Grand Prix winner...

And who do you think that is?

What? What's going on?

Oh God! It's gone! The task of a lifetime - gone!

20 years! 20 years to build, and just one moment for it to fall apart!

Seduced by Gypsy music! Gypsy shit! Betrayed all principles!

Fucking whores!

- Decided to feign insanity. - Cheap trick!

You'll be sorry! I'll show you! I'll show you major in minor!

Let's go!

"Dark eyes! Passionate eyes!" [classic Gypsy-style romance]

"Burning eyes, and beautiful!" [classic Gypsy-style romance]

"How I love you! How I pray for you!" [classic Gypsy-style romance]

"It was a dark hour when I met you..." [classic Gypsy-style romance]

Maestro! Such masculine passion! Such sincere suffering!

Darling!

Carol... Hey, hey! Hands off!

Darling!

What, CIA spy? Plans foiled? There are still things money can't buy!

Schniperson chooses Russia!

Did you already wed, honey?

Innokenty, say me honest, did you... with him?

- Yes, yes, yes! - Well, no!

No. Maybe we had something - earlier.

But from this day - no! Now I only love you, madam!

Maestro, you're genius! Genius!

Innokenty, darling, my third husband was gay.

Confess to me, I will understand.

- Did you sleep with him? - Sleep? I was working like a horse.

I was conducting a bloody concert. When did I have time to sleep?!

Our national treasure! Thank you for the high art!

Genius! Genius! Genius!

Innokenty Ivanovich!

Darling, I definitely introduce you to all three my husbands.

They're really nice people. Especially the second and the third.

- The third? The gay one? - Oh, yes!

He's now a woman. He had surgery.

He became a famous actress, you won't believe...

- That's amazing! - Innokenty Ivanovich!

Just imagine, Innokenty Ivanovich,

Where this CIA spy will lead you tomorrow,

If already today you walk past your own apartment!

What again want this man?!

This man want... to save Schniperson for Russia.

I want him disappear out my life!

Just calm down!

- I don't get it... this man... - It seems... I left the keys in the dressing room.

Joan?

I am Carol...

And I said "Carol". That's just my pronunciation.

One minute...

- Well, I am home! - A wizard! Wizard!

Darling!

During the escape the inmate Rabbitov stole:

Vehicle (one unit), ethanol (three tanks), stretcher (one unit), enema (two units).

And fled to an unknown... No...

Completely... completely unknown...

Whoa... not fled.

Rabbitov!

- Can I make a call? - Where?

Radio station "Liberty", "Voice of America", "Deutsche Welle".

Why?

Because our corrupt media doesn't write about

The imperialist discrimination against citizens of Romani ethnicity.

Today we again witnessed an example of discrimination, bordering on genocide.

Documents taken away due to ethnic features. Shame on you!

- As a matter of fact, who are you? - As a matter of fact, Roman Diamondov.

A candidate for a seat in the State Duma.

Which, curiously, has exactly zero deputies

Representing the millions of Romani people.

And so today, when we held a demonstration about this matter,

My license is seized by some Peepeenov.

Oh, you just want to get your license!

Just a minute! Great! You will receive your license!

- Follow me. - Where?

Straight ahead along the hall. It's close.

- There? - To the right.

- Over here? - Yes, yes.

Please proceed...

Now that's what I'm talking about!

Spend some time here, Rabbitov. Cure you of that "deputy" nonsense.

No locks will help you escape your responsibility.

Better just give back the license.

I apologize. I needed to be alone for a bit...

Now you understand why we're promoting the slogan:

"Russians off the Romani homeland, from the Pacific Ocean to the Baltic Sea!!"

There!!

A fly... such an annoying little shit.

And after all that, you want us to respect Russians?

No, no. I don't insist...

Stop fucking with my head, Rabbitov! Oops!

You will never put us, freedom-loving Gypsies, on our knees.

What? Resisting arrest? Hands up, Rabbitov!

*We just received fresh information.*

*Thanks to the incredible efforts of our police,*

*the dangerous criminal Vasily Rabbitov has been detained.*

*This time he was disguised as Roman Diamondov, a Gypsy band chief.*

*Everyone who recognized the crook, please call the number:*

*3-5-5-2-2-2-4, 17-11-14-25, 143-17-12, 11-14-35-47, 2-94-57-40...*

- Disguised as a Gypsy? - Sounds like the Musician.

No! Something's wrong here. Gotta have a think!

Quiet! The boss is thinking.

We'll do thinking, jack, when we get the diamond back.

See how bad it's gotten? I'm rhyming now.

- We need to finish him. - You'll be finishing... over my dead body!

My dear! I'm glad. It's very good! Yes!

I have to say, the salad is not a success.

- That's not polite... - A little bitter.

- The salad is all right. - Very tasty!

No, no. The salad is bitter, and the bread is bitter.

Be grateful you even got invited!

Bitter! Bitter!

It really is bitter!

It's bitter to see, that a man dies, who is so important to music!

Purse your lips, bitch!

Stand up! Stand up, my dear!

Nobody move! Hands behind the head! Face to the wall!

Can't escape us, my friend! Moscow police, what what!

Again?

Here's the watch!

Alright, Rabbitov, I'd advise making a voluntary confession.

Tell me here, before everyone, where's the diamond?

- He needs to be institutionalized! - Defend me from this... maniac!

How dare you talk back to a law-enforcement officer?!

What diamond?

Don't drink at work, don't drink - I will complain!

Playing the fool again. Nice job.

Comrade Police, he is Schniperson, he is my fiance!

- This is a great musician! - I've lead three cases on this Musician!

- I got a skin condition, looking for him! - What condition?

A skin cond... I don't want to talk to you, back off!!

I will complain to your superiors!

Superiors? I will prove it to you.

Whose watch is this, I wonder? Whose?

- Mine, of course. - "Mine" he says, "mine"!

Then why, during the last arrest, was he wearing the American President's watch?

- It was a gift... - You think I only have one watch?

I have this... this many!

Check whether your watch is missing, citizens!

- This is your watch! - My watch isn't missing!

Let me through! Dangerous criminal!

I will call the State Duma!

Alright, we'll figure it out now. "Mine" watch, right? "Mine"?

Then what's written on it, I wonder? There's an engraving on the back.

- Oh, that was written so long ago! - He's tormenting the genius!

We'll remind you now. So, it says here -

- To the outstanding... - Right!

- Outstanding... - ... composer.

Hell no! "Surgeon!"

- There - surgeon! - So what?

Surgery is my hobby.

I practice a bit.

I can amputate something, if asked.

- Or even fix something, on occasion. - Exactly! He'll fix you right up!

Yes, also says here, that it's a gift from some "Musya".

- Who is Musya? - Comrade captain colonel,

- ...we need to free ourselves from them... - Who is Musya, I asked?

- Who is Musya? - Yes Musya, Musya, I'm asking, Musya?

- Oh!! Musya! Of course, Musya! - Yes?

Poor granny Musya! She died recently!

- Granny Musya died? - She did!

Don't know where she was buried, and where she lived - forgot.

What a nightmare, granny Musya died!

And why does this granny call herself "petite"?

Comrade captain colonel...

"...from the loving, petite Musya!"

- So what? - Comrade captain colonel...

Some grannies are large, and some grannies are small.

Granny Musya was a dwarf. This tall.

To replace Haendel with "The Little Gypsy Girl"?! A requiem with "Dark Eyes"?!

- What? - Vasen'ka! I have a little stash up there...

I'm not Vasen'ka! I'm Innokenty Schniperson, a People's Artist!

What? What?

Keshen'ka! I have a little stash... Get it for me...

- Where? - To the right. More to the right, deeper - yes!

Oh, good, good. Opened? Pour!

Careful! Hold it. A little more. There, stop, that's it, stop. Here!

- Drink. - Easy, easy.

All set?

Forgive me, Keshen'ka, the foolish sinner!

- Hey, hey! - Forgive!

Drink all you want. Your problems!

I remember it like it was yesterday: Varya is dying,

Ivan Israelich, under the grand piano,

And you're screaming, begging for breasts!

Wow, got plastered right down memory lane!

I was working as a train conductor, between Moscow and Kherson,

I thought no, no, no, I couldn't raise you all.

- Yeah? - No.

Maybe you've got alcoholic delirium?

- No. - Looks as if you do.

Keshen'ka, I'm scared to tell you. Maybe you'll take a drink first?

No drinking in the daytime! I have a rule!

You are my nephew, by blood! I left you at the Kherson orphanage.

You also have a little brother. Vasyatka. Identical twin.

I already let Schniperson go! This - is Vasya Rabbitov!

- Listen! - Repeat offender!

And the watch he stole. Stole from granny Musya.

I mean the dwarf surgeon.

Dammit! I can't anymore!

Comrade captain colonel!

Why are you worrying yourself? Just forget me!

I'll forget you, you know when?

When we mine the diamond from your stomach, got it?

- That's inhumane! - Why am I proving myself to you?

Just look here, his description is being broadcast all day on TV!

- What is it? Who is that? - Watch, watch!

*...Happily announce the capture of the repeat offender Rabbitov*

*Impersonating Roman Diamondov, the chief of a Gypsy band*

This is him. Oh, yes!

*The investigation discovered*

*That Rabbitov demanded national independence for his Gypsy band*

The following wished to become its sister-cities:

YERevan, Buenos AIRES, OSAKa.

Got it, yeah? They already caught me!

They already catch him!

Mr. Police, they already catch him!

The key! Hurry up!

Forgive me, comrade People's Artist!

- I've almost got it. - We will complain to your superiors!

My superiors won't be needed, it just fell behind the lining,

I'll get it, one second...

- Ambassador! - Who?

- Yes, it's the ambassador. - What?! No avoiding a world war now!

Ambassador - need to greet!

No need to greet, don't open! Say nobody's home.

The wedding is cancelled, the bride died!

No! Handcuffs - great shame!

- The vase! Quickly! - Cover it up with the vase!

- It's a vase! A gift from the police. - Beautiful, yes!

Ahh! Our gift is not as symbolic.

We present you with that, without which no American wedding can do.

Real American cake!

Give me the ticker, bacon.

Better off focusing on that skin condition of yours.

The same face... it's stupid...

On the other hand, how's it stupid? The watch was there...

Even granny Musya can confirm - it's the doctor's watch. Of course.

Where did the Gypsy come from? No freaking idea.

What an ass...

You're in my way again!

I will call the presidents of America, Russia, and the Commodity Market!

Forgive me, comrade People's Artist of the Soviet USSR,

For all the evil that I've done you. You too, lady, forgive...

Ah! Praskov'ya Aleksevna! To what do I owe the pleasure?

Keshen'ka and I have a big day today: a wedding!

May you both live happily... And with many children.

Bitter! Bitter!

Hold up, hold up a moment! Let me have a smoke.

Your "bitters" make me very arouse.

I wanna cleave unto you and be one flesh!

C'mon, it's embarrassing! Quit it, will ya! What will people say?

People? People? People will be glad. Yes, glad!

People, goodbye! Goodbye, people! We leave to have sex.

We won't be long, we come back. People, have fun!

Goodbye! Goodbye, people!

"Horny nympho"!

Dammit, she's right! Why are we ashamed?

After all, sex -

Is as natural a body function as a... as the...

Enough! It's only natural if it's every day.

What if it's once a month, and only as a special favor?

- Oh, Innokenty Ivanovich! Done? Already? - So quick?

Quick? Did you want me to get taken from behind till morning?

Well... why you?

Some friends you are, guys!

I'm getting drilled like an oil well, and you're here, partying!

- Sorry, but what were we supposed to do? - He's seriously asking me!

Have you forgotten, what mutual aid is, between men?

You and I will have a talk after!

- Let's go, Innokenty Ivanovich, I'll help! - Nah, don't worry about it!

But every cloud has a silver lining! I discovered a relative.

My aunt by blood, Praskov'ya Aleksevna.

Please sit.

That's the American ambassador, auntie.

Nice to meet you? Want some sauerkraut? Homemade!

- Where's the bride? - Carol?

Is there another?

There where you've left her, I guess.

- In the church? Still? - Why in the church? In the bedroom.

Wait up... What in the... Ohhh, now heads will roll!

Darling!

Whore! Get the hell out of here!

Honey, I will explain...

- You're still here, foreign slut? - Man, talking like that to a woman...

Where are you going? Where?

Even starting to sweat...

Everything's going to be alright! Hear me? "Okay!"

- Darling! - I'll choke you, bitch!

You are so versatile! Unpredictable!

Rabbitov! I know you're here. Come out!

Rabbitov, I'm waiting!

You're an asshole!

Never had a greater dream than to find family. And now I did.

And I kept asking mom to make me a brother. I frightfully wanted a little brother!

- Vas'ka, brother! - Keshka, bro!

What sort of company is that? This is art!

Do you recall Stanislavski's system?

And my singing teacher tells me: "Listen, Schniperson, you have perfect pitch!"

Same here!

My first imprisonment, the captain Blindy tells me: "Rabbitov..."

My babies!

Finally met - siblings!

- Mom. Mooom! - Praskov'ya Alekseyevna!

- Listen, have you still got the diamond? - What diamond? Everyone asking about this diamond.

- I haven't seen it in ages! - Need to return it! Start a new life!

Return it to whom?

Give it to the state - the mafia ends me. Give it to the mafia - the state jails me.

That's a conundrum... Yes, but we'll figure something out,

While they deal with this Gypsy.

- With who? - They arrested some Gypsy in my stead.

- A Gypsy? - Well, yeah. Look - it's still on TV!

*...and your alias "Diamondov" - is that in honor of your diamond? Yes?*

*No. I've always been and always will be Diamondov.*

*Just as you've always been, and will remain - a piece of shit!*

He does look like me. Like us.

Oh what joy!

At my age, I managed to see Romochka!

Mother, again with that?

Forgive me, Vasen'ka, the foolish sinner!

And you, Keshen'ka, forgive the old bitch!

And you, Romochka, forgive, if you can!

Mother, mother! You repeat yourself!

Yep. I remember it like it was yesterday. you three lying, screaming, begging for breasts...

At the previous interrogation, citizen, you testified that only two begged for breasts.

But I thought Romochka wasn't alive, the Lord forgive all my transgressions.

Because I heard no news from Raya.

- There was also a Raya? - No. Just three.

I took Kesha to Kherson, and took you for myself.

And Raya had her Gypsy band visiting Moscow.

- She stayed over my place. - Why would she do that?

She always stays with me - she's family!

Ivan Israelich was a Gypsy, on his mother's side.

Their surname - Pearly.

So she adopted him. Romochka.

Mother, are there any Russians in our family?

You see, I've spent my life tearing my anus for Russia...

On the mother's side - everyone is Russian!

Except our dad - your grandpa. He was Chinese. Half-Chinese.

And of course - your grandma's little accident.

Darling!

Vasen'ka! Under the sofa! Quick, quick!

Auntie... Darling! Who were you talking to?

Why did you leave me for so long?... Koozya?

What? What do you mean "Koozya"? Just me and my aunt...

Why, aren't you a pretty one!

I hear two male voice.

Auntie - he's lie to me!

Let's go gossip in the kitchen!

- Koozya is there! - There is no one there.

It all become clear! Koozya is definitely there!

- No...? - What do you mean "no"?

You're right - "no"!

You lie to me?

It all become clear! You choose music!

Auntie! I immediately leave! I immediately leave for United State!

Don't go! Don't go to America, darling!

Don't! Let's chat instead!

We're really screwed.

- Darling! - Hide!

- Where? - Fine, I will.

Darling! Sorry, darling, sorry! It's my fault! My fault, mine!

It's because I love you. You're so extraordinary!

I want love you right now. Right now, darling!

Darling! Darling!!

Oh wow! Don't... I don't deserve this!

Darling! Darling! I have to explain everything to you now.

- Koozya?! - Wouldn't that be great!

I can't - with anyone!

Why?

Understand... The thing is...

Long story short, as a child I stepped on a land mine.

Yep. Everything got torn off!

- Everything? - Well, no. A little bit remains.

- Darling! - But only enough to pee!

Calm down, honey.

It's alright, it's alright. We'll figure something out.

America have great doctors. We'll make prosthetic. Poor guy, poor guy!

And you guys call this "a little bit"?

I think you don't grate enough.

- Meaning? - Meaning you're ungrateful sons of bitches!

Comrades Gypsies! Don't loiter in front of the police department!

Don't loiter! There is no Roman Diamondov here! [the sign: "UNESCO protection for the Gypsy!"]

You were fooled by the con man Vasily Rabbitov!

Comrades Gypsies! Stop making camp in front of the police department!

And get these children out of here! Whose children are they? What do you mean nobody's?...

What's there to discuss. Break into the pigsty, put the Musician in a sack.

- Yes, and the pigs will watch with open mouths. - We should finish the pigs.

You developed an age-related obsession with finishing.

We need to look for consensus, Aleksey Feofilaktovich! Consensus!

That's right! Find consensus, and kick it over and over.

You're not the first, who interrupts my journey to the State Duma.

I've already been tossed off a bridge, with a sack tied around my head,

Plane crashes were organized, when we migrated through Mexico.

Car accidents - those get set up every other day!

Enough yapping, Rabbitov! Learn to accept defeat! [sings]

- He's mocking me... stop singing!! - You've finally made a mistake, Rabbitov!

You're the only one who can't stand my singing. I still don't know why.

Vas'ka - attaboy! Keep playing the Gypsy!

Well, Godspeed!

Piss off. Piss off, I said!

No, it's not a bear, it's a stubborn goat!

Ahh! My brains are about to boil.

Good evening.

Citizen commander, please record a voluntary surrender and confession.

I hope I get credit for it, when I receive a stern but fair judgment.

Hanging out again, Shitdryev? What're you staring at?

Fu... he blabbed!

Rabbitov, is that you?

Couldn't stay silent. I was conscience-stricken, when I learned, that because of me

An innocent person was suffering. Let him go, commander.

[sings]

- Shut your mouth!!! - Why sing? If you aren't capable, just go to hell!

- You're mad! - I'm seeing red, ready to kill!

Cease the torture, this isn't 1937!

Hey Romani!!

My son! That's Roma - that's my son!

She took him for the Musician!

No. Something stinks here.

- To me... - Quiet! The boss is thinking!

Get out of here!! Impossible to concentrate!

- A drummer must drum loudly!! - You know, in that tone of voice...

Sit! Sit down, I said!

Shirly-myrli, shir-manirly, shir-matyrkin, mur-mur-kin!

Shirly-myrli. What mean "Shirly-myrli"?

- Please, translation. - No translation, just nonsense.

- Russian bear! - "Nonsense"? What is "nonsense"?

I need to go breathe some fresh air.

- Darling! - Innokenty Ivanovich!

You're leaving this CIA spy! Schniperson chooses Russia!

It's a misunderstanding!

Run, run Innokenty Ivanovich! You have my blessing!

This man wants to save... this... and...

- Gypsy? - Is there a merry wedding in here?

What a splendid gift!

You lied to me that you hate Gypsies on purpose!

What a beautiful lie, darling!

So, where is this Gypsy-hater?

It's you, darling! You, you joke!

If I joke like that again - rip my tongue out!

Rip? Oh, your Russian humor, darling, always so funny to me!

Romani friends, with me!

It's all a pretense, Zemfira.

When Keshka is free from prison, he'll replace Roman!

Wait! Will he need to replace your Kesha at night too?

...No, not at night. Day only. He'll be released during the day.

- Why is it spinning? How do I get through?! - Come with me, mom.

[sings] I wish so much just once One more time to believe

What difference does it make What later will come true...

Love cannot be understood, Love cannot be measured

But at the bottom of my soul It is as in a river's whirlpool

Let go this hazy distance, Let go this fathomless depth

Today with a thin thread Fate bound us together...

Your eyes so green, Your words deceptive,

And these soft songs Have all infatuated me!

What amazing surprise! Wedding! Yes?

Such wonderful funny Russian humor! You fool me so beautiful!

Bitter, yes?

Bitter!

Dear guests, dear Romani friends!

I will kiss my dear bride, without question,

but first I'd like to cook you some Gypsy food!

Is this the newspaper "Arguments and Facts"? I'd like to share a fact -

The great conductor Innokenty Schniperson is behind bars again!

These are new sorties from the partocracy!

Yep. Says who? Says the indignant intelligentsia!

Is that the homosexual newspaper? Great, I've got a message for you.

That faggot Peepeenov arrested Innokenty Schniperson again.

These are new sorties from the Jew-Masons!

[muttering] ...cook some food...

Who is speaking? Everyone is speaking!!

Is this the Bee-Keeping Journal?

Why are you sitting like drones, while a great conductor sits in prison?

[muttering] ...I'll cook you some food!...

What to do? Flap your wings and point your stings!

[muttering] ...You don't know what "bitter" is...

Well, nice to meet you, brother!

I reject all negotiations,

Until you discontinue all discrimination against citizens of the Gypsy ethnicity.

Why are you barging in?! Don't you understand the Russian language?

I told you already, there is no Schniperson here!

We have Rabbitov - he surrendered himself!

Where are you going? Haven't you read the new presidential decree?

- Free Schniperson! Freedom for Schniperson! - Here, look - the recidivist thief.

Close the door, you're interrupting my rehearsal!

Liar!

Pardon us, you have visitors.

Mr. Schniperson, why are they after you?

- These, if you forgive me, comrades? - It's okay, it's okay.

This repression allows me to better understand the history of my country. The soul of my people.

Comrade colonel, the President is on the line.

Speaking. Yes, sir. Shitdryev too? Yes, sir.

- Everyone is free! - Hooray!

I've known this Musician a long time, he played an accordion in the can...

Maybe we should leave Shitdryev, comrade colonel?

- Major. - The President?

The question of my rank lies fully in the competence of the President.

Thank you! Thank you for the support and love of art!

- This isn't Rabbitov. - The Gypsy is Rabbitov.

No, the Gypsies recognized their own.

That means, this is Rabbitov. Then why'd they let him go?

Because it isn't Rabbitov.

- Then who? - The conductor.

- If that's the conductor, who did we interrogate? - The conductor.

Then who was conducting?

- What? - Who? - Where?

In 1837 in Saint-Petersburg, a peculiar thing happened:

The titular counselor Ivan Nikandrovich Ryabov got himself a double.

- God damn! - That's what it is!

We do thus:

We go to the wedding, grab Rabbitov, and his double too.

And finish both!

You and I met Calmly and simply,

The old wound in my soul Had already healed.

But the abyss of break-up Lay between us:

We're only friends. How strange...

How strange all this is: Just a short while ago

Our closeness was Without measure, without limit,

And at present, oh, The present is unlike the past:

We're only friends. How strange...

How strange never To touch the past,

But to think of it Every day incessantly,

To speak of the weather, But to think of the words:

"We're only friends". How strange! How strange! How strange!

The outset is all fairy-tale. The outcome - suffering.

A jaded topic for a romance, Wouldn't you say?

Maybe we should... Actually, what for? Goodbye.

We're only friends. We're only friends.

We're only friends. How strange...

- How dare you? - And what's the problem?

I'm dancing her with serious intentions!

- I'd wed her this very minute! - I'm willing!

Mind your own business!

You have your own bride - go kiss her!

- Do you want to have all the women? Bitter! - Bitter!

Daddy, daddy, why the hell do you need this American? Mom is better!

Are these your kids, darling?

- They're mistaken! - Oh, mistaken, are they?!

[quarrel in Romani language]

[...]

[...] ...that whore!

[...]

Darling, is that woman - your mistress?

Guests, Romani friends, I want to go check on my cooking!

I've always said that transparency is the greatest achievement of a modern society.

Although personally I don't like journalists.

Yes, write it down - don't like them. Because they're scum.

Don't worry, don't worry! Here nobody will interfere with me.

- Good afternoon. - Greetings.

- 7th floor for me. - Oh, what a coincidence!

- Oh, overload. I'll take the stairs. - No, how can that be?

Such a man - taking the stairs? Please, sir.

- After you, sir. - Over my dead body!

- Oh... - Please.

- Overload. - Get the fuck out!!!

- What?! - That doesn't include you, sir.

Can't you leave us tete-a-tete, have you no manners...?

What did we just do?

Yep, in the history of criminal Russia this case is unprecedented.

What case?

Six morons in one place at the same time.

- I love you! - Me too!

- I'll adopt your children. - Go away, shameless man!

I have housing too. It's just me and my mom.

Innokenty Ivanovich, I'm proposing to her!

That's great. I'm happy for you.

- And for me? - And for you - twice as happy!

- [yelling in Romani] - Didn't catch that, what?

Try catching this!

[sings] I want to love, I want to suffer, I want to destroy, I want to party...

Wait a minute. What's the meaning of this?!

On what basis did you just slap me in the face?

Where are you... Do you hear me? Where are you going?

Stop, harlot!

Oh - already freed, little brother?

Completely off your rocker, old goat?

I'm not your brother! I'm your wife. Ex-wife!

What the hell is wrong with you, Zemfira?

What are you trying to do? Leave our children orphans?

Now you remembered! Should've thought about them,

When you were hugging that one, that American!

[singing] I want to love, I want to suffer, I want to destroy, I want to party...

[singing] It's all the same... ...my fate!

Well hello there, brother! I see what sort of person you became.

- They made him a Gypsy! - What do you mean "made"?

I'm a hereditary Gypsy! I'm a band manager!

I'm a candidate for deputy! Hands! Hands off!

- Oh little brother! - Who are you calling 'little brother'?

Don't 'little brother' me!

Get out of the way, you!

I reject any negotiations,

Until you discontinue all discrimination against citizens of the Gypsy ethnicity.

Pal, who gives a shit about your Gypsies?!

Here it is - imperialist chauvinism in action.

Did you forget, who won the Kulikovo battle for you?

- Gypsies? No way! - Meh!

And this one doesn't even hide his hatred for us.

He even spreads anti-Gypsy propaganda among Americans.

And why should I love you? What kind of nation are you?

Where are you roots?!

Of course, only you are God's chosen people,

And everyone else is subhuman - goys!

Speaking of goys. You Jews do exaggerate on that account.

Are you really any better?

No, little brother, they're not better, they're the only,

And everyone else must serve them.

But they had one blunder. Didn't you crucify Christ?

We birthed him, we crucified him,

These are our own internal Jewish conflicts.

Goys couldn't understand!

- Are you calling my Christ a Jew? - What did you think?

If daddy is Jewsih, and mommy is Jewish - the baby is Russian?

His daddy is ... a dove!

[singing] Farewell, friends, I'm leaving! If I owe you, I forgive you!

[singing] Oh my American charabanc! I'm a young girl, a rowdy girl!

I'll sell my skirt and pantaloons, And buy some cologne instead.

Oh my American charabanc! I'm a young girl, an African girl!

Your kitschy music ruined all Russian culture.

Look at any melody - you get "A Little Gypsy Girl" coming at you!

Not the "Gypsy Girl", but your "Hava Nagila"!

You've been passing off Jewish culture,

For the Great Russian culture, and the Great Gypsy culture.

- Am I right, little brother! - Absolutely right!

The Jews took over everything - all papers, all TVs, and are influencing the goys.

Oh don't! Don't even!

What kind of nation are you, if you're so easy to take over?

You need to work, instead of drinking vodka all day!

Russophobe!

Why so rude? Simply - hooknose kike!

- Antisemite! - Zionist!

Judophobe, horse thief!

I see you in a hospital, beauty.

In a wheelchair I see you... With injuries of varying severity.

Farewell, rocky mountains, Our Fatherland calls for heroic deeds!

We've gone to open sea, To a stern and distant cruise.

And the waves are moaning and wailing, And splashing the side of the ship...

Port Rybachy's dissolved in the fog, Our land of birth. [twice]

A steep marine wave Stubbornly rocks our ship...

Alright, I'm composing an obligatory cantata for three voices

and a symphonic orchestra, and we will perform it in Carnegie Hall!

The wave lifts and hurls us Again into the whirling depth.

I won't return very soon, But my battle...

- Ass! Ruined the song. - Don't get brain freeze, moron!

All these nationalities are bullshit of course.

Everything depends on the individual.

- Even among Jews there's good people. - And Russians aren't all drunks.

Of course! Russians are great, Jews are just wonderful.

But Gypsies are all thieves!

Who gives a shit about...

I'm on a different subject! I'm about the blacks!

After all, they're not the same as us - whites. Am I right?

Well no, of course I'm no racist. But I don't let blacks very close to me...

If we are being honest, I do get some feeling. A discomfort, I would say.

Toast to the white human!

Baby! Congratulate me! I found my brothers!

- We're three brothers. - Yep. Triplets!

I've never wed three men at the same time before!

Carol!

Everyone freeze in place! It's a robbery!

Killers!

Are you nuts, what robbery?

Excuse me, it's a riot!

Lyosha, stop it!

Ladies and gentlemen, no need to fear us!

This is the arrest of a highly dangerous criminal.

Musician! Come out, together with your double!

- Return the diamond, asshole! - Take it!

- That's against the rules! - Uncivilized!

We represent the interests of the United States. Drop your weapons!

- Here you go! - Can't scare us!

We must immediately evacuate the embassy, together with maestro Schniperson and his friends!

Send a helicopter, and prepare a plane!

Stop, you're not musical people! Ruining such a wedding!

Our guys! We're not forgotten!

Kind people, save us! Save us! [in Ukrainian]

Quick! Quick! Let me through!

Evacuate first me, then women, children, and the sick!

I'm protecting the interests of the United States... ahhh!

Gotcha, dear fellows! Can't escape us! The Moscow police!

Hands up!

Relax, guys!

Just make sure to take the drinks with the sauerkraut!

Damn! Today was exhausting!

Eh, we should've opened fire!

- But really, we did pretty well with the Rabbitov case. Yeah? - Duh!

- No, I'm speaking objectively. Ranks aren't awarded for nothing. And I became a major.

Doesn't count, by the way, till we drink on it.

The sauerkraut is overly sweet. Is that the juice...?

Grab some from the bottom - it should be sourer there.

- Come on. - On it.

Yep, grab the head. And give it here.

- It won't cut. - On it, wait.

Try from the other side. You're doing it with the wrong side!...

Diamond!

Congratulations, comrade ma... rshal!

Proud to serve the... that one... what's it called...

First of all, allow me to congratulate you

For the re-acquisition of the diamond "Savior of Russia".

And as I already promised...

And I always fulfill my promises, unlike the previous President,

From this day all Russians are moving to the Canary Islands.

While we are gone, Turkish, Yugoslav, Korean, and other workers will improve the country...

- One plus one plus one: how many is that? - Three.

But it should be two!

No, do you get it, Lyus'yena, we all have perfect pitch.

All three have the same scar on the left leg.

Our chicks - all have the same face!

What did you say?

You think I look like that American frump?

I don't mean it in that way, why are you angry?

Why are you getting upset, Lyus'yena? Three years is a light sentence!

The hell I need those Canaries for? I just started laundry.

Let me take a look.

Oh what joy! What inexpressible joy!

- M'am! Madam! - Patrick is also found!

Madam, madam, I don't understand!

Auntie! How many total infants were there? And where did you stick us all?

Four! You, you, you all and Patrick!

I told you already, our grandma had an accident.

Got together with a black guy, he was performing at the circus.

Well, since then in every generation at least one black baby gets through!

Devil be damned!

Forgive me, my children!

And you Patrick, forgive if you can!

I was a train conductor, Moscow to Kherson, I thought no, no, no, I couldn't raise you all.

So then I took Patrick to an American embassy.

And wrote in a note: "Patrick Rabbitov".

Yes! Patrick Rabbitov. Yes!

Oh you wide steppe, Wide and free!

How wide you've stretched, Dear mother.

Oh, that's not The steppe eagle rising,

Oh, that's the Don cossack letting go.

Oh, don't fly, eagle, Close to the ground,

Oh, don't stroll, cossack, Close to the shore!...

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�����������: akvaovca, mykstery, Eusebes, insidions

alkol, Jooler, summerbreeze, Manana