Original subtitles

Christian: MISS CHARLES...TELL

ME WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT

YOURSELF.

Miss Charles: YOU TELL ME.

Sean: UH, IT'S NOT ABOUT

WHAT WE THINK. IT'S HOW THE

PATIENT EXPERIENCES THEIR OWN

APPEARANCE. WHAT THEY'D LIKE TO

CHANGE TO IMPROVE THEIR NEGATIVE

SELF-IMAGE.

Miss Charles: YOU KNOW THE ONLY

THING WORSE THAN HAVING A

NEGATIVE SELF-IMAGE?

Christian: HAVING NO SELF-IMAGE?

Miss Charles: I'M IMPRESSED.

I WOULDN'T EXPECT A LOTHARIO

LIKE YOU TO GET THAT.

Sean: WHAT MAKES YOU SO CERTAIN

THAT HE'S THE LOTHARIO?

Miss Charles: WELL, ANY

SUCCESSFUL MAN LIKE YOURSELF,

WHO WEARS OLD SPICE, GOT IT FOR

FATHER'S DAY. AND ANY MAN WHO'LL

SPEND $185 ON A BOTTLE OF CREED

ISN'T WEARING IT TO PLEASE HIS

WIFE.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Sean: WE SHOULD PUT YOU TO WORK

SOLVING CRIMES.

Miss Charles: ACTUALLY,

I'M A DESIGNER. ROCKETS.

PERFUME.

[ALL LAUGH]

TWO OF MY SCENTS BECAME

BESTSELLERS THIS YEAR,

SO DECIDED TO DO A LITTLE

REMODELING...FOR THE DATING

SEASON.

Christian: WELL...WHAT'S THE

NAME OF YOUR SCENT? I'LL HAVE TO

BUY SOME.

Miss Charles: WELL, THAT

WOULDN'T BE FAIR.

Christian: TO WHOM?

Miss Charles: WOMEN. YOU'RE HARD

ENOUGH TO RESIST AS IT IS

WITHOUT ADDING ANY EXTRA

PHEROMONES INTO THE MIX.

Christian: MISS CHARLES,

ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME?

Miss Charles: THAT DEPENDS.

AM I PRETTY ENOUGH TO FLIRT

WITH YOU?

Christian: NO.

Miss Charles: GOOD. THEN FIX

WHATEVER NEEDS FIXING. MAKE ME

INTO SOMEONE THAT YOU'D WANT.

MAKE ME A 10.

Sean: WE'RE NOT COSMETICIANS,

MISS CHARLES. WE'RE TALKING

ABOUT PERMANENT CHANGES.

Christian: BESIDES, EVERYONE'S

IDEA OF BEAUTY VARIES. IT'S IN

THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER. HEH.

Miss Charles: WRONG. "PRETTY" IS

IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.

BEAUTY IS IN THE SOUL. YOU CAN'T

SEE IT, BUT YOU KNOW IT WHEN YOU

FEEL IT. COME ON. YOU GUYS ARE

THE TOP PLASTIC SURGEONS IN

FLORIDA. GIVE ME THE SUPERFICIAL

FACTS. WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?

Sean: YOUR EYES. UH...

THE PIGMENTATION--

Christian: SPOOKY.

Miss Charles: THANK YOU. GO ON.

Sean: WAS THIS THE RESULT OF

A TRAUMA OR ILLNESS?

Miss: NO, I WAS BORN THIS WAY.

IN THE DARK, SO TO SPEAK. I HAVE

ABSOLUTELY NO WAY OF KNOWING IF

MY NOSE IS TOO BIG, IF MY LIPS

ARE TOO THIN--

Christian: EXCEPT FOR YOUR EYES,

YOU'RE A 10. ALTHOUGH

YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT. HEH.

Sean: WE CAN RECOMMEND AN

EXCELLENT OCULARIST. WE'LL WORK

WITH HIM TOGETHER ON COLOR,

SIZE, SHAPE.

Miss Charles: WHAT COLOR WILL

THEY BE?

Christian: BLUE, MAYBE.

WITH A TINY HINT OF GREEN.

Miss Charles: BLUE. LIKE THE

OCEAN AND THE SKY. NICE.

YOU'RE SMILING, AREN'T YOU?

Christian: ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE

OF A SMIRK.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

YOU'RE NOT AS GOOD AS YOU THINK.

HOW ABOUT THURSDAY AFTERNOON?

I CAN MAKE AN APPOINTMENT

FOR YOU.

Miss Charles: I CAN MAKE MY OWN

APPOINTMENT. I LIKE TO BE

INDEPENDENT. I ALSO LIKE TO BE

DRIVEN.

* AHH *

* MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL *

* MAKE ME

A PERFECT SOUL,

A PERFECT MIND,

A PERFECT FACE,

A PERFECT

LIFE *

Julia: LEARNING TO SKATE, OR YOU

JUST WANT TO CARRY A BIG STICK?

Sean: TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING.

SIGNED BY THE ENTIRE TEAM.

ONLY $350. IT'S WORTH A LOT MORE

AFTER WINNING THE CUP.

Julia: IT'S NICE THAT YOU'RE

HERE. I WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE

YOU. YOU USUALLY HATE THESE

THINGS.

Sean: IT'S FOR ANNIE'S SCHOOL.

IT'S THE LEAST I COULD DO.

Julia: I'M USED TO GOING TO

THESE THINGS BY MYSELF.

Sean: AND TONIGHT'S

NO EXCEPTION.

[SIGHS]

Kimber: I WAS JUST AT YOUR

SIGNUP SHEET, AND THERE'S ALL

THESE WOMEN THERE, BUT THEY'RE

TOO EMBARRASSED TO PUT THEIR

NAMES DOWN. BUT I THINK I GOT

THE BALL ROLLING. I TOLD 'EM YOU

DID A GREAT JOB ON THESE.

OH. HI.

MAYBE I SHOULD GO...KEEP PUMPIN'

THE BIDS. YOU'RE TOO GOOD

TO GIVE IT AWAY FOR FREE.

Julia: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU

BROUGHT THAT...WALKING SLAB OF

SILICON TO OUR DAUGHTER'S

SCHOOL.

Sean: SHE'S THE ONE WHO

SUGGESTED I DONATE MY SURGICAL

SKILL TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER.

Julia: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T EVEN

LIKE BIG TITS.

Sean: I GUESS I WAS LYING.

MY BAD.

Julia: WELL, I'M JUST GLAD

I DIDN'T BRING ANNIE.

Sean: YEAH, YOU'D BETTER

WATCH OUT. SHE'LL END UP RUNNING

AWAY FROM YOU LIKE MATT.

Julia: WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?

Sean: I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME,

JULIA. A REALLY GOOD TIME. AND

YOUR HOLIER-THAN-THOU ATTITUDE

ISN'T GONNA MAKE ME FEEL SHITTY

FOR BRINGING KIMBER HERE.

BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT NO RIGHT

TO BE HOLIER THAN ANYBODY

EVER AGAIN.

EVERY GUY IN THIS ROOM IS

LOOKING AT HER TITS, WISHING

THEY WERE ME, NOT GOING HOME

WITH THEIR BITTER, UNHAPPY,

AND RESENTFUL WIVES.

Julia: IS THIS HOW IT'S GONNA BE

FROM NOW ON?

Sean: FACE IT, JULIA.

YOU'VE LOST YOUR BOY.

Ocularist: METHYL METHACRYLATE.

IT'S LIGHTER AND MORE RESPONSIVE

TO THE MUSCLES THAT CONTROL

THE MOVEMENT OF THE EYE,

AND IT'S VIRTUALLY UNBREAKABLE.

Miss Charles: UNBREAKABLE?

YOU MEAN IN CASE THEY POP OUT OF

MY HEAD?

Ocularist: NO, BUT, UM, THEY

MIGHT FALL FROM THE SINK WHEN

YOU'RE TRYING TO WASH THEM.

I RECENTLY HAD TO REPLACE

A PATIENT'S LEFT EYE BECAUSE

IT HAD BEEN EATEN BY HIS DOG.

[MISS CHARLES SIGHS]

MAY I?

Miss Charles: WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?

Ocularist: EYES ARE A REFLECTION

OF THE SOUL. I NEED TO KNOW

WHO'S BEHIND THE EYES

I'M MAKING. THAT'S WHY IT TAKES

ME A LITTLE LONGER THAN THE

REST. TO ME, IT'S MORE THAN

A SCIENCE. IT'S AN ART.

THERE ARE 12 STEPS TO

THE PAINTING ALONE. EACH ELEMENT

WITHIN THE EYE ACQUIRES ITS OWN

SPECIAL BLEND OF COLOR.

THE RED VEINS ARE SOMETIMES

DUPLICATED BY USING THIN STRANDS

OF FABRIC AND CAREFULLY PLACING

THEM ON THE PLASTIC.

THE VERISIMILITUDE IS...

ASTONISHING.

Miss Charles: WHEN DO YOU THINK

I COULD HAVE THEM?

Ocularist: AS SOON AS YOUR

DAMAGED EYEBALLS ARE REMOVED

AND THE IMPLANTS SEWN INTO

PLACE.

Christian: I CAN SCHEDULE HER

NEXT WEEK.

Ocularist: THEN NEXT WEEK IT IS.

* I'LL BE SEEING YOU

IN ALL THE OLD FAMILIAR PLACES

THAT THIS HEART OF MINE EMBRACES

ALL DAY THROUGH

IN THAT SMALL CAFE

THE PARK ACROSS THE WAY

THE CHILDREN'S CAROUSEL

A CHESTNUT TREE... *

Ocularist: ONCE THE ORBITAL

IMPLANTS ARE IN PLACE, THEY

PROVIDE THE NECESSARY ANCHOR FOR

THE ARTIFICIAL EYE. THAT'S WHEN

YOU AND I ARE READY TO BEGIN.

YOU COME IN AND I POSITION THIS

IMPRESSION TRAY IN YOUR SOCKET.

DON'T WORRY. IT'LL FEEL ODD,

BUT NOT PAINFUL. I USE IT

TO MAKE AN ALGINATE IMPRESSION

OF THE CAVITY WITHIN YOUR EYE.

WHEN IT'S DRY AND SMOOTH

AND A PERFECT FIT, IT SERVES AS

A MOLD FOR THE ACTUAL PLASTIC

INSERT THAT WILL BECOME YOUR NEW

EYE. THEN, THE FITTING. THAT'S

WHEN THE MIRACLE HAPPENS.

Miss Charles: MIRACLE?

Ocularist: ANIMATING WHAT'S

LIFELESS. A MERE PIECE OF

PLASTIC, AND WE GIVE THE SOUL

ITS VOICE.

Miss Charles: IT ALL SOUNDS

SO GRUESOME. DO YOU REALLY THINK

IT'S WORTH IT?

Ocularist: I'VE NEVER HAD

A DISAPPOINTED CUSTOMER. I DON'T

LIKE TO TOOT MY OWN HORN--

WELL, YES, I DO. BECAUSE I'M

THE BEST.

Christian: IF YOU WEREN'T,

WE WOULDN'T BE HERE. HEH.

SO, YOU WANTED TO KNOW WHAT

MY RECOMMENDATION WOULD BE.

THIS IS IT.

Ocularist: WHAT COLOR EYES

WERE YOU THINKING?

* BUT I'LL BE SEEING YOU... *

Miss Charles: BLUE. WITH A HINT

OF GREEN.

Ocularist: MM. MM, GOOD.

Julia: LIFE'S ABOUT CHANGE,

RIGHT? TRANSFORMATION. AND I'D

JUST LIKE TO SEE THIS TIME AS

AN OPPORTUNITY TO EXPLORE OTHER

POSSIBILITIES. WELL, OUTSIDE OF

BEING A WIFE AND MOTHER, I MEAN.

Doctor: DID YOU SAY YOU WERE

DIVORCED?

Julia: UH...SEPARATED.

Doctor: WELL, IF IT MAKES YOU

FEEL ANY BETTER, 70% OF

THE BREAST AUGMENTATIONS I DO

ARE ON WOMEN DIVORCED OR...

IN THE PROCESS. IT CAN BE QUITE

HEALING, A WAY OF AFFIRMING YOUR

DESIRABILITY. SOME OF

MY PATIENTS EVEN HAVE IMPLANTS

AS PART OF THEIR SETTLEMENT.

Julia, laughing: OH, WELL,

THERE'S A THOUGHT. MAYBE

I SHOULD WAIT UNTIL WE FILE.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Doctor: WHY DON'T YOU OPEN YOUR

BLOUSE SO WE CAN SEE WHAT

WE HAVE TO WORK WITH HERE?

Julia: HAVE YOU DONE A LOT

OF THESE?

Doctor: OH, LET'S JUST SAY THAT

SINCE I BEGAN THIS PRACTICE,

MICROMASTIA HAS BECOME

AN EPIDEMIC.

Julia: MICROMASTIA?

Doctor: SMALL-BREASTEDNESS.

Julia: OH. I ALWAYS THOUGHT

THEY WERE AVERAGE. MICROMASTIA?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DISEASE.

Doctor: OH. IN OUR CULTURE,

IT OFTEN IS. BREASTS ARE

A SYMBOL OF OUR FEMININITY,

THE CLOSEST THING WE HAVE TO

A PHALLIC SYMBOL AND, LIKE IT OR

NOT, WE LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE

SIZE MATTERS...FOR BOTH.

I THINK WE CAN GO UP TO A "C"

OR EVEN "D" AND STILL KEEP YOUR

NATURAL DROP.

Julia: I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE

HUGE. I--I MEAN, JUST, UH,

DIFFERENT. BETTER. A NEW ME,

YOU KNOW?

Doctor: I'M SURE YOU'LL BE

DELIGHTED, BECAUSE YOU'RE

DOING IT FOR THE RIGHT REASON--

YOURSELF. WHAT'S SAD ARE

THE ONES THAT DO IT THINKING

THEY CAN GET THEIR HUSBANDS

BACK. IT'S...HEARTBREAKING.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Julia: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Nurse: I'M JUST MONITORING YOUR

HEART, SWEETIE. STANDARD

PROCEDURE. TRY TO RELAX.

[JULIA SIGHS]

Julia: YOU KNOW, MAYBE

I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.

I--I HAVE 2 KIDS. THE YOUNGEST

ONE IS ONLY 8. SHE'S AT MY

HUSBAND'S. IF ANYTHING HAPPENED

TO ME--

Nurse: OH, DON'T YOU WORRY.

DR. COPLEY'S THE BEST.

SHE HASN'T BOTCHED ONE YET.

YEAH. SHE DID THESE.

HA HA. PRETTY GOOD, HUH?

Julia: YEAH. DID HAVING THEM

DONE REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING

IN YOUR LOVE LIFE?

Nurse: 14 KARAT. AND HE NEVER

GETS BORED.

Dr. Copley: OK, JULIA, WE'RE

GONNA BEGIN.

AS THE ANESTHESIA STARTS TO

WORK, YOU'RE GONNA FEEL AS IF

YOU'RE FLOATING.

[JULIA SIGHS]

Julia: ONE MORE LOOK...

FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE.

Dr. Copley: AND NOW COUNTING

BACK FROM 10 TO 1.

Julia: 10...

9...

8...

Miss Charles: I LOVE OCEANAIA.

I LOVE IT.

THEY MAKE THE BEST CHILEAN SEA

BASS. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT

SURE, BUT MY DOCTOR JUST WALKED

INTO THE ROOM, SO I'LL ASK HIM.

IS IT TOO SOON FOR ME TO MAKE,

UH, DINNER PLANS FOR SATURDAY

NIGHT?

Christian: YOU'RE AN INDEPENDENT

WOMAN. HOT DATE? [CHUCKLES]

Miss Charles: HOPE SO.

HE ANSWERED MY

PERSONAL AD ON THE INTERNET.

[CHUCKLES]

Christian: OH. WELL.

WHY DON'T YOU, UH, CALL HIM

BACK...AFTER I'VE...FINISHED

CHECKING YOU OUT.

Miss Charles: RON, CAN I GET

BACK TO YOU? MY VERY HUNKY

DOCTOR WANTS TO STARE DEEPLY

INTO MY BEAUTIFUL NEW ACRYLIC

EYES. GREAT. I'LL TALK TO YOU

LATER. [CLEARS THROAT]

MMM...WHAT'S WRONG?

Christian: NOTHING.

I'M JUST CHECKING YOUR TEAR

DUCTS.

Miss Charles: SOMETHING.

[CHRISTIAN SIGHS]

IT'S WRITTEN ALL OVER

YOUR FOREHEAD.

Christian: [SIGHS] NO MAN WHO

ANSWERS AN INTERNET AD IS AFTER

A DEEP, PERSONAL CONNECTION THAT

DOESN'T INVOLVE HIS PENIS.

Miss Julie: YOU KNOW, I--I THINK

I READ THAT IN A FORTUNE COOKIE

ONCE.

Christian: I JUST THOUGHT YOU

WERE SMARTER THAN THAT.

Miss Charles: FUNNY.

MY INCREDIBLY SMART FRIEND JANET

MET HER HUSBAND THAT WAY.

Christian: WAS SHE BLIND?

[MISS CHARLES SIGHS]

Christian: I'M SORRY.

I JUST MEANT THAT...

MEN ARE ASSHOLES, AND

BEING BLIND JUST MAKES YOU AN

EASIER MARK.

Miss Charles: ARE WE THROUGH

HERE?

Christian: LOOK DIRECTLY AT ME

AND...TRY TO MOVE YOUR EYES

FROM SIDE TO SIDE.

THERE'S NOT A LOT OF MOBILITY

YET, BUT THE MUSCLE REATTACHMENT

SEEMS TO BE HOLDING.

Miss Charles: IS THAT IT?

Christian: LOOK, IT'S...MEN.

WE'RE JUST WIRED THAT WAY, EVEN

IF SOME SMALL PART OF OUR BRAINS

ACTUALLY GIVES A DAMN ABOUT YOUR

SOUL. IT'S ALWAYS SHORT-

CIRCUITED BY THE OTHER PART THAT

WANTS TO GET INTO YOUR PANTS.

Miss Charles: I'M A BIG GIRL,

DOCTOR.

I DON'T USE A SEEING EYE DOG,

AND I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED

A SEEING EYE DOCTOR TO RESCUE ME

FROM...ALL THOSE BIG, BAD,

SCARY MEN OUT THERE JUST WAITING

TO PREY ON US BLIND DAMSELS

IN DISTRESS. [SNICKERS]

[MISS CHARLES SIGHS]

Christian: BE CAREFUL.

Miss Charles: [SNICKERS]

YOU KNOW WHAT

THE UP SIDE TO BEING BLIND IS?

THERE IS NO FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

BECAUSE IT'S ALL UNKNOWN.

EVERYTHING IS CHANCE. MEETING

THIS GUY...CROSSING THE

STREET...PICKING OUTFITS THAT

MATCH, BUYING GROCERIES.

HEY...I'M NOT EXPECTING TO FALL

IN LOVE.

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW.

[SIREN IN THE DISTANCE]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Julia: UH, JUST A MINUTE!

OH...GOD...

[WOMAN SHOUTS, INDISTINCT]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Erica: MATT WASN'T EXAGGERATING,

WAS HE?

YOU REALLY DO LOOK A BIT LIKE

A CRACK WHORE, SWEETHEART.

Julia: I CAN'T BELIEVE

THAT MATT CALLED YOU.

Erica: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU

DIDN'T.

[JULIA SIGHS]

Julia: DID HE SAY ANYTHING

ELSE...ABOUT WHY I MOVED OUT?

Erica: BECAUSE MATTIE

HAS 2 FATHERS. YOU'RE YOUNG.

YOU MADE A MISTAKE. YOU DON'T

WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR

LIFE ATONING FOR IT.

Julia: WHY NOT? I RUINED

MY HUSBAND'S LIFE.

Erica: OH, BULLSHIT.

YOU RUINED YOUR OWN BY NOT

LIVING IT. SEAN DOESN'T WANT

ANYTHING MORE TO DO WITH YOU.

YIPPIE! YOU'RE FREE. GET OFF

YOUR ASS...AND STOP DEPENDING

ON OTHER PEOPLE FOR YOUR SENSE

OF SELF-WORTH.

Julia: YOU REALLY

SHOULD HAVE YOUR OWN TALK SHOW.

Erica: NOW...I'M STAYING

AT THE RALEIGH. YOU'RE COMING

WITH ME UNTIL WE CAN FIND

SOMEPLACE MORE SUITABLE

FOR YOU AND ANNIE.

OH, GOD, WHO KNOWS WHAT'S LIVING

UNDER THESE CARPETS.

Julia: PLEASE LEAVE

MY THINGS ALONE, MOTHER. I DON'T

NEED YOU TO SWOOP IN HERE

AND START TELLING ME WHAT I

SHOULD AND SHOULDN'T DO.

Erica: TAKE ENOUGH XANEX,

IT WON'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO.

Julia: IT'S VIACODIN. I NEED

SOMETHING TO HELP ME

WITH THE PAIN.

I HAD MY BREASTS AUGMENTED.

Erica: HA HA HA!

OH, GOD. I'M SORRY. [MUTTERS]

[SIGHS] OH, GOOD FOR YOU,

SWEETHEART. AT LEAST YOU DID

SOMETHING. OF COURSE, WHEN I

SAID YOU SHOULD MAKE THE MOST

OUT OF YOURSELF, I WASN'T

REFERRING TO YOUR BRA SIZE.

Julia: YOU HAD A FACE LIFT,

MOTHER. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Erica: I DID IT FOR

PROFESSIONAL REASONS. THE ONLY

PROFESSIONAL REASON FOR THAT IS

TO LOOK BETTER DANCING

ON A POLE.

[JULIA SCOFFS]

YOU'RE A BRILLIANT...GIFTED

GIRL, JULIA. WHY ARE YOUR BRAINS

THE LAST ON YOUR LIST OF THINGS

TO DEVELOP?

Julia: BECAUSE THEY'RE THE LAST

THINGS ON THE LIST THAT MATTER!

JUST BE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW

THAT WHEN YOUR KIDS COME HOME,

THEY NEED A HUG...A KISS...

SOME GODDAMN TENDERNESS!

AND THEY DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD

HOW THEY SCREWED UP, BECAUSE

10 TO 1, THEY ALREADY KNOW.

Erica: TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED.

[JULIA SIGHS]

Julia: FOR GOD'S SAKE, ERICA!

LOOK AROUND! I'VE BEEN EATING

MICROWAVE MACARONI AND CHEESE.

I HAVEN'T WASHED MY HAIR IN DAYS

BECAUSE I CAN'T LIFT MY ARMS.

AND IF I LEAVE THE GARBAGE OUT

ANY LONGER, I'LL START

ATTRACTING WILDLIFE.

Erica: WHY DIDN'T YOU ARRANGE

FOR A PRACTICAL NURSE BEFORE YOU

LEFT THE HOSPITAL?

Julia: BECAUSE...I CHOSE TO HAVE

IT DONE, AND I DON'T WANT SEAN

PAYING FOR IT.

Erica: I'LL WRITE A CHECK!

Julia: OHHH!

FORGET IT.

THE INTEREST IS WAY TOO HIGH.

BUT THANKS FOR COMING OVER.

AND IF YOU HAPPEN TO BUMP INTO

ANYONE RESEMBLING A MOTHER,

TELL HER I COULD USE ONE.

[ERICA SIGHS]

Erica: TITS.

Christian: WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT?

Erica: BAZOOMS.

POWER BOOBIES. APPARENTLY, AN

I.Q. OF 160 ISN'T ENOUGH TO GET

HER THROUGH THIS TRANSITION

WITHOUT ACQUIRING EQUALLY

IMPRESSIVE KNOCKERS.

Christian: JULIA GOT

BREAST IMPLANTS?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

Sean: WHAT THE HELL

WAS SHE THINKING?

Erica: SEAN, ACCORDING TO MATT,

YOU'RE DATING PORN STAR BARBIE.

THAT WOULD MAKE ANY WOMAN FEEL

INADEQUATE.

Sean: WHAT DO YOU EXPECT US

TO DO, TAKE THEM OUT AND TELL

HER THEY WERE FINE THE WAY

THEY WERE BEFORE?

Erica: JULIA'S IN CRISIS. HAVE

YOU SEEN WHERE SHE'S LIVING?

WHERE ANNIE'S LIVING WHEN

SHE'S NOT WITH YOU?

Sean: ERICA, YOU'RE NOT

SUGGESTING I TAKE ANNIE

AWAY FROM HER?

Christian: LET'S JUST HEAR

WHAT SHE HAS TO SAY.

Sean: YEAH.

Erica: I WANT US ALL TO COME

TOGETHER IN A CARING...

NONJUDGMENTAL MANNER...AND

PRESENT JULIA WITH OUR

OBSERVATIONS AND CONCERNS.

Christian: YOU WANT US

TO STAGE AN INTERVENTION.

Sean, laughing: OH, GOD.

Erica: YES.

I'VE GOTTEN THE NAME OF THE TOP

PSYCHIATRIST IN THE AREA. I'VE

PULLED STRINGS TO MAKE AN

APPOINTMENT, BUT I CAN'T MAKE

SURE SHE SHOWS UP.

Sean: WHY NOT?

Erica: 'CAUSE I WON'T BE HERE.

Sean: OF COURSE. OH, THIS IS

BEAUTIFUL. BUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S

IN CRISIS, ERICA. WHAT'S MORE

IMPORTANT THAN THAT?

Erica: I HAVE TO BE IN LOS

ANGELES AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

I'M GIVING A LECTURE.

Sean: ON MOTHERING?

Christian: BUT YOU'LL BE BACK?

Sean: YOU CAN'T JUST INTERVENE

AND RUN.

Erica: I'M TRYING TO PUT A

SUPPORT SYSTEM INTO PLACE BEFORE

I GO.

Sean: YOU MEAN DUMP HER ON US.

Erica: SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO

CUT HER OFF. WHERE'D YOU GET THE

BALLS? SHE'S THE ONLY ONE BEING

PUNISHED. IF SHE'S GOTTA WEAR A

SCARLET LETTER, THEN SO DO YOU.

Sean: HOW ABOUT I STAGE AN

INTERVENTION WITH YOU?

Christian: TAKE IT EASY, SEAN.

Sean: YOU'VE DONE MORE HARM TO

JULIA THAN CHRISTIAN AND I COULD

EVER DO IN A LIFETIME. YOU'RE

THE REAL REASON SHE'S SO SCREWED

UP! YOU NEVER SAW HER EXCEPT AS

A REFLECTION OF YOURSELF. SHIT,

YOU NEVER SAW HER, PERIOD. YOU

WERE ALWAYS BUSY WORKING,

HELPING YOUR PATIENTS WITH THEIR

PROBLEMS. WELL, SHE'S YOUR

PROBLEM NOW, ERICA. YOU BROKE

HER, YOU FIX HER.

BEST THING ABOUT NOT BEING WITH

JULIA IS I DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE

TO HER MOTHER.

[TURNS ON FAUCET]

YOU THINK I'M A DICK?

Christian: I DIDN'T SAY

ANYTHING.

Sean: YOU WANT TO BECOME PART OF

ERICA'S INTERVENTION?

Christian: [SIGHS] I HURT JULIA.

I DO THAT A LOT. HURT AND RUN.

IF THERE'S A CHANCE TO HELP--

Sean: SHE'S HAD ENOUGH HELP.

I'VE SPENT MY LIFE RESCUING HER,

SUPPORTING HERE, PROTECTING HER,

AND SO HAVE YOU. NOW LOOK WHAT'S

HAPPENED. WE'VE ENABLED HER SO

MUCH, SHE'S DISABLED. WANT TO BE

A HERO? GO FIND SOMEONE WHO

REALLY NEEDS ONE.

* YOU TRAVELLED THE WORLD,

BUT YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY

FROM THE PERSON YOU ARE

IN YOUR HEART,

YOU CAN BE WHO YOU WANT TO BE,

MAKE US BELIEVE IN YOU,

KEEP ALL YOUR LIGHT

IN THE DARK,

IF YOU'RE SEARCHING FOR TRUTH,

YOU MUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND MAKE SENSE

OF WHAT YOU CAN SEE,

JUST BE,

JUST BE,

THEY SAY LEARNING

TO LOVE YOURSELF

IS THE FIRST STEP THAT YOU TAKE

WHEN YOU WANT TO BE REAL,

FLYING ON PLANES

TO EXOTIC LOCATIONS

WON'T TEACH YOU

HOW YOU REALLY FEEL,

FACE UP TO THE FACT

THAT YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE,

NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT BELIEF,

JUST BE... *

Woman: RON, HI.

[MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

* ...'CAUSE NOW I KNOW

IT'S NOT SO FAR

TO WHERE I GO,

THE HARDEST PART

IS INSIDE ME,

I NEED TO JUST BE... *

Christian: HA HA HA!

Bartender: WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

Christian: UM...ME. I'M SUCH AN

ASSHOLE.

ONE MORE?

* ...BUT I FEEL

SO MUCH BETTER *

Julia: HONEY, HOLD STILL. IT'S

HARD TO SEE WHEN YOU KEEP MOVING

AROUND.

Annie: BUT IT REALLY ITCHES.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Julia: OHH. HONEY, CAN YOU GO

GET THAT? IT'S YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

Erica: OH, THERE SHE IS! OH MMM!

HOW ARE YOU SWEETHEART? THERE'S

A CHARMING 2-BEDROOM ON COLLINS.

I'VE MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU

TO SEE IT TOMORROW AT 11:00.

Julia: I'M NOT LOOKING FOR

ANOTHER APARTMENT, MOTHER. ONCE

I'M BETTER I'LL FIX THIS PLACE

UP. IT'LL BE FINE.

Erica: YOU CAN AT LEAST LOOK AT

IT. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, HE'S

GOT OTHERS. AND HERE. I CALLED

THE DEPARTMENT AT COLUMBIA. I

GOT YOU AN APPOINTMENT WITH

THE TOP PSYCHOPHARMACOLOGIST IN

THE STATE. HE ALSO HAPPENS TO

SPECIALIZE IN DEPRESSION.

Julia: I'M NOT DEPRESSED,

MOTHER. I AM SEPARATED. OH, GOD,

THERE'S ONE.

Annie: ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO

SHAVE MY HEAD?

Erica: SHAVE YOUR HEAD? WHAT

FOR?

Julia: LICE. THEY'RE GOING

AROUND AT ANNIE'S SCHOOL.

Annie: YOU'RE PULLING!

Julia: OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE

EVERYWHERE!

Erica: WHAT'S NEXT, JULIA,

SCABIES? HOW MUCH FURTHER DOWN

DO YOU HAVE TO GO BEFORE THIS

STOPS? SHITTERS ALLEY?

Julia: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A

MEMBER OF A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY

TO GET LICE, MOTHER. THEY'RE NOT

A SIGN OF UNCLEANLINESS.

Erica: THEY'RE NOT WHAT I WOULD

CALL A STATUS SYMBOL. YOU NEVER

HAD THEM.

Julia: HONEY, TAKE YOUR CLOTHES

OFF AND THROW THEM ON THE

BATHROOM FLOOR. I'LL BE IN TO

RUN THE WATER.

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD HELP ME

TO STRIP THE BED?

[ZIPS UP PURSE]

JUST PUT ALL THE PILLOW CASES

AND THE SHEETS IN A PILE. THEY

HAVE TO BE WASHED SEPARATELY.

Erica: WHAT DO YOU SAY WE JUST

TOSS THE WHOLE MESS OUT?

Julia: NO, IT'LL BE FINE. I'LL

JUST WASH IT IN HOT WATER.

Erica: DO YOU REALLY WANT YOUR

DAUGHTER TO RISK

RE-CONTAMINATION?

Julia: LINENS COST MONEY.

Erica: MY TREAT.

Annie: MOMMY!

Julia: JUST PUT THE LAUNDRY IN

A GODDAMN PILE, OK?

Erica: FINE! DO EVERYTHING THE

HARD WAY. IF IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO

SWIM ACROSS THE OCEAN, YOU HAVE

TO DO IT WITH A 20-POUND BOULDER

STRAPPED TO YOUR BACK. OH, GOD.

I THINK I FELT ONE.

Julia: MOTHER, YOU DON'T HAVE

LICE.

Erica: WHERE ANNIE PUT HER HEAD.

Annie: MOMMY!

Erica: SOMETHING IS CRAWLING

THROUGH MY HAIR.

Julia: MOTHER WHY DON'T YOU JUST

GO BACK TO YOUR HOTEL ROOM AND

HAVE A NICE HOT BATH? I'LL SEE

YOU TOMORROW, OK?

Erica: ACTUALLY, THE CONFERENCE

CALLED. MY SCHEDULE'S BEEN

CHANGED. I HAVE TO LEAVE IN THE

MORNING.

Annie: MOMMY, ARE YOU COMING?

Julia: WELL, YOU GO AND TAKE

CARE OF YOURSELF. AT LEAST

THAT'S ONE THING YOU'VE ALWAYS

BEEN GOOD AT.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Ron: EXCUSE ME. YOU SEE A BLIND

GIRL SITTING OVER THERE BY

HERSELF?

Christian: I SEE HER. THE ONE

YOU WERE SITTING WITH?

Ron: RIGHT. IS SHE HOT?

Christian: SHE'S ATTRACTIVE,

YEAH.

Ron: WELL, CAN YOU GIVE ME A

NUMBER? IS SHE AN 8, A 9? HOW'S

HER BODY? SHE HAVE A GOOD PAIR

OF TITS?

[CHRISTIAN SNIFFS]

Christian: YOU WANT THE TRUTH?

SHE'S GOTTA BE AT LEAST 10, 15

YEARS OLDER THAN YOU.

Ron: WHAT A LIAR. SHE TOLD ME

SHE WAS 30.

Christian: HEY, ALL WOMEN LIE

ABOUT THEIR AGE. SHE PROBABLY

THOUGHT SHE COULD GET AWAY WITH

IT BECAUSE YOU'RE BLIND.

Ron: WELL, SCREW HER. HEY, DO ME

A FAVOR, WILL YOU? TELL HER MY

MOTHER HAD A STROKE AND I HAD TO

LEAVE.

Christian: THAT'S THE BEST YOU

CAN DO?

Ron: SHE'S THE ONE WHO LIED, NOT

ME.

[SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Christian: WAS I RIGHT ABOUT

THE SALMON?

Natasha: WHAT ARE YOU DOING

HERE?

Christian: SAME AS YOU.

Natasha: REALLY? I'M NOT HERE

SPYING ON PEOPLE. I'M WITH

SOMEONE.

Christian: NOT ANYMORE.

Natasha: OH. THANK GOD. WHAT AN

ASSHOLE. ALL HE TALKED ABOUT WAS

WHAT HIS LAST GIRLFRIEND SAID

ABOUT HIS BODY. [CHUCKLES]

Christian: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL

ME THAT YOUR BLIND DATE WAS

BLIND?

Natasha: WAS HE? YOU DIDN'T ASK

AND I DON'T CONSIDER BLINDNESS

TO BE A DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Christian: PROTECT YOU FROM

BASTARDS. LIKE ME.

Natasha: WELL, YOU CAN GO NOW.

Christian: I DON'T WANT TO.

IT FEELS GOOD YOUR NOT BEING

ABLE TO SEE ME, LIKE I'M A BLANK

SLATE.

Natasha: TABULA RASA.

NO PRECONCEPTIONS.

* ONE STRETCHES OUT A HAND,

SO YOU ARE JUST BESIDE ME *

Natasha: GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERYBODY

HAS THEIR OWN SPECIAL SCENT?

[SNIFFS] AND THAT EACH SCENT HAS

3 DISTINCT PARTS OR, AS WE SAY

IN THE BIZ, NOTES.

Christian: NO KIDDING.

Natasha: NO KIDDING. THERE'S A

TOP NOTE, A MIDDLE NOTE, AND A

BASE NOTE. MOST PEOPLE ARE ONLY

AWARE OF THEIR TOP NOTES. HOW

THEY WANT TO BE PERCEIVED, THEIR

IMAGE. THE MIDDLE LAYER IS A

BUFFER TO KEEP THE EXTERNAL

HIGHS AWAY FROM THE FORBIDDEN

LOWS. [SNIFFS]

Christian: WHY FORBIDDEN?

Natasha: BECAUSE IT'S WHAT

PEOPLE ARE MOST AFRAID OF.

THEIR TRUE SELVES.

Christian: SO WHAT AM I AFRAID

OF? I ALREADY KNOW I'M A

BASTARD.

Natasha: ARE YOU SURE? MAYBE

YOU'RE AFRAID OF FINDING OUT

YOU'RE NOT THE BASTARD YOU THINK

YOU ARE. I SEE...SOMEONE KIND

AND GENTLE...THAT'S SCARED.

I THINK MAYBE YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO NEEDS TO BE RESCUED.

* ALWAYS IN MY HEAD,

OH, ALWAYS IN MY HEAD,

ALWAYS IN MY HEAD,

ALWAYS IN MY HEAD *

Natasha: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Christian: JUST LOOKING.

Natasha: CLOSE YOUR EYES. I WANT

YOU TO REALLY SEE ME.

>> * YOU WALK ALONE

IN THE VALLEY OF LIFE,

IN THE SHADOW OF LOVE

UNDER THE TREES OF HAPPINESS,

YOU WALK ALONE

LIKE A BABY UNBORN,

LIKE A FATHER UNKNOWN,

LIKE A POCKET PENNILESS,

I'M HAPPY THAT YOU REALLY CARE,

BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW

HOW SCARY

THIS IS FOR YOU AND IS FOR ME?

OH, DO YOU REALLY KNOW?

DO YOU REALLY KNOW?

OH,

NATASHA,

OH, NATASHA,

FOR YOU I SIT ALONE

ON THE COZY GROUND FLOOR

ON A BENCH BY THE GARDEN

WAITING ALSO,

WAITING FOR LOVE

AND THINKING OF OUR LOVE... *

Natasha: IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

>> * AND AS I'VE OFTEN

ASKED BEFORE,

DOES ANYBODY KNOW,

ANYBODY KNOW?

OH,

NATASHA,

OH, NATASHA,

ALL I CAN DO

IS WRITE A SONG

FOR YOU,

NATASHA *

[FOOTBALL GAME ON TELEVISION]

Julia: HEY.

Sean: HEY.

Julia: ANNIE'S PRETTY POOPED.

SHE WENT STRAIGHT TO HER ROOM TO

LIE DOWN BEFORE DINNER.

Sean: YOU'RE LATER THAN USUAL.

Julia: I HAD TO STOP AND GET A

FEW THINGS. WE HAD A ROUGH...

NIGHT. HERE.

Sean: ANTI-LICE SHAMPOO?

Julia: IT HAS CHEMICAL

INSECTICIDES IN IT, SO USE IT

SPARINGLY.

Sean: ANNIE HAS LICE?

Julia: HAD LICE, HOPEFULLY. YOU

LEAVE IT ON FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES

AND THEN RINSE.

Sean: HOW'D SHE GET LICE?

Julia: THERE ARE 32 STUDENTS IN

HER CLASS, SEAN. IT HAPPENS.

Julia: AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY

ANYTHING?

Sean: OUR DAUGHTER HAS LICE.

WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO

SAY?

Julia: ABOUT MY BREASTS. I HAD

THEM DONE.

Sean: YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME.

Julia: WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE

THEM?

Sean: NO.

Julia: I'D LIKE YOU TO.

Julia: I THINK DR. COPLEY DID A

GOOD JOB, BUT...I'D FEEL BETTER

IF YOU LOOKED AT THEM, JUST TO

MAKE SURE.

Sean: THE SYMMETRY'S EXCELLENT,

SLOPING'S NATURAL. PERI-AREOLA

INCISION. THAT WAS SMART. DR.

COPLEY'S A PROFESSIONAL. SHE

KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.

Julia: DO YOU LIKE THEM?

Sean: DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I

THINK. IT'S HOW THE PATIENT

FEELS ABOUT THEMSELVES.

[TELEVISION TURNS ON]

Julia: SCREW YOU, SEAN. I DON'T

CARE WHAT YOU THINK. [CRYING]

[SNIFFLES] I DON'T CARE WHAT

ANYBODY THINKS.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Julia: OH, GOD.

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--]