Original subtitles

[BACH'S AIR FOR THE G-STRING

PLAYING]

Sean: HEY.

Liz, sniffling: OH.

Sean: YOU OK?

Liz: UH, YEAH. ALLERGIES.

Sean: YOU DON'T HAVE ALLERGIES.

Liz: I KNOW, BUT FRIENDS USUALLY

TAKE THAT AS A CUE TO LEAVE YOU

ALONE. I'M SORRY. I'M JUST A

LITTLE SENSITIVE. I'VE BEEN

TAKING THESE HORMONES.

Sean: YOU GOING THROUGH

MENOPAUSE?

Liz: NO, SEAN. AS A MATTER OF

FACT, I'M TRYING TO GET

PREGNANT.

Sean: I HAD NO IDEA.

Liz: OF COURSE, THE FOLKS DOWN

AT THE SOUTH DADE FERTILITY

CENTER THINK I SHOULD COME BACK

AFTER I'VE CONSIDERED THE 1,001

POTENTIAL RISKS OF A MIDDLE-AGED

PREGNANCY. I'VE GOT PLENTY OF

EGGS. THEY JUST WON'T LET ME

FERTILIZE THEM.

Christian: WHOA. MEDUSA'S GONNA

BREED. ALERT THE EUGENICS

POLICE.

Sean: CHRISTIAN.

Christian: HEY, I'M ALL FOR IT.

WITH TODAY'S MEDICAL ADVANCES,

THERE'S NO REASON OUR HEALTHY

SENIORS SHOULDN'T BE HAVING

BABIES. THINK OF ALL THE SAVINGS

YOU COULD SHARE: DIAPERS,

DAY CARE, YUMMY JARS OF STRAINED

PEAS.

Liz: ASSHOLE.

[SEAN SIGHS]

Christian: LOOK, SHE'S IN DENIAL

ABOUT HER AGE AND NEEDS SOMEONE

TO HELP HER SEE THE TRUTH.

Sean: GLASS HOUSES, CHRISTIAN.

IT'S A LOT EASIER TO JOKE ABOUT

OTHER PEOPLE'S SUFFERING THAN

ADMIT YOU'RE HURTING YOURSELF.

Christian: YOU REALLY NEED TO

STOP READING JULIA'S MAGAZINES.

Sean: FINE. KEEP THE PAIN AND

FRUSTRATION INSIDE UNTIL IT EATS

A HOLE IN YOUR GUT AND YOU'RE

STUCK WITH A BLEEDING ULCER.

IT'S NOT GONNA BRING BACK YOUR

SON.

Christian: NO FAIR. THEY LET HIM

GET PREGNANT. OK, KIDS. LET'S

SUCK THE FAT OUT OF MR...GROSS.

Sean: ACTUALLY, MR. GROSS HAS

REQUESTED AN OTOPLASTY.

Christian: HE'S GETTING HIS EARS

PINNED? AND HE DIDN'T DISCUSS

THE REST OF HIM?

Sean: THE REST OF HIM APPARENTLY

DIDN'T AFFECT HIS NEGATIVE

SELF-IMAGE.

Liz: HE'S A HEART ATTACK WAITIN'

TO HAPPEN. THESE PEOPLE WHO'D

RATHER LIVE IN DENIAL AND

ENDANGER THEIR LIVES THAN FACE

THE TRUTH ABOUT THEMSELVES--

WHERE THE HELL DO WE FIND THEM?

* AHH,

MAKE ME

BEAUTIFUL,

MAKE ME

A PERFECT SOUL,

A PERFECT MIND,

A PERFECT FACE,

A PERFECT

LIFE *

Sean: MRS. BRODERICK, TELL ME

WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT

YOURSELF.

Mrs. Broderick, laughing: OH,

GOD. WHAT A QUESTION. WELL,

THERE'S NOTHING I PARTICULARLY

DISLIKE ABOUT MYSELF. NOT THAT

THERE'S ANYTHING ABOUT ME THAT'S

SO WONDERFUL. WELL, EXC-EXCEPT

FOR MY BOYS. I DID BRING UP 2

INCREDIBLE KIDS.

Sean: THAT'S NICE. WHAT I MEANT

WAS, UH--

Mrs. Broderick: DO YOU HAVE

CHILDREN, DR. McNAMARA?

Sean: YES. 2.

Mrs. Broderick: ENJOY THEM WHILE

YOU CAN. BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,

THEY'LL BE MARRYING SOME EAST

INDIAN AND SENDING YOU A "HAPPY

JANMASHTAMI" CARD ONCE A YEAR.

[LAUGHS]

Sean: MRS. BRODERICK--

Mrs. Broderick: AND AT LEAST

NOW I CAN GET OUT OF THE HOUSE,

BACK INTO THE WORKING WORLD,

AND--AND DO SOMETHING. I--I

MEAN, NOT THAT BEING A MOTHER

ISN'T SOMETHING. IT'S JUST THAT,

YOU KNOW, WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME

WHAT I DO AND I TELL THEM, "I'M

A WIFE AND A MOTHER," THE LIGHTS

IN THEIR EYES JUST GO OUT.

[LAUGHS] ANYWAY, UM, A FRIEND

OF MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW'S WHO'S

THE HEAD OF PERSONNEL AT SAKS,

SHE TOLD ME ABOUT, UH, AN

OPENING IN SALES AND, UH, IF

THERE'S ONE THING I KNOW, IT'S

CLOTHES. [CHUCKLES] I'VE BEEN

WEARING 'EM ALL MY LIFE!

[LAUGHS] UNFORTUNATELY, I'LL BE

COMPETING WITH GIRLS MY SONS'

AGES WHO HAVEN'T HAD 2

CAESAREANS. WELL, THAT'S--THAT'S

WHY I'M HERE. MY TUMMY.

Sean: AH.

Sean: MRS. BRODERICK, I THINK

YOU LOOK GREAT FOR YOUR AGE.

Mrs. Broderick: THEY'RE NOT

HIRING "GREAT FOR MY AGE." I

CAN'T LOOK LIKE SOME--SOME

HOUSEWIFE WHO'S TRYING TO FILL

UP HER DAY. THE ONLY WAY I'M

GONNA GET THIS JOB IS IF THOSE

CLOTHES LOOK AS GOOD ON ME AS

THEY DO ON THOSE YOUNG LADIES

I'LL BE UP AGAINST.

Sean: THERE ARE CERTAIN

GUIDELINES YOU'LL HAVE TO

FOLLOW. NO NICOTINE USE, AVOID

EXCESSIVE TANNING, KEEP

EXERCISING, THAT SORT OF THING.

AND YOU'LL HAVE TO BE AT A

WEIGHT YOU CAN MAINTAIN.

Mrs. Broderick: I'LL MAINTAIN IT

IF IT MEANS CUTTING OFF MY LEG.

[LAUGHS]

Sean: HERE'S THE CONSENT FORM.

IT EXPLAINS THE POTENTIAL RISKS

INVOLVED WITH THIS PROCEDURE.

UH, TAKE IT HOME, READ IT. IF

YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS--

Mrs. Broderick: I'LL JUST SIGN

IT. I CAN FREAK OUT PRETTY

EASILY. ONCE, I READ THE SIDE OF

AN ASPIRIN BOTTLE, AND I WAS

CONVINCED THAT MY HEADACHE WAS

"BLEEDING IN THE BRAIN."

Ava: ENDORPHINS ARE NATURE'S

ANTIDEPRESSANTS, AND THEY WORK

WHETHER OR NOT YOU'RE GETTING A

RUNNER'S HIGH...WHICH--

Julia: OHH!

Ava: I'M GUESSING YOU'RE NOT.

Julia, gasping: GODDAMN, THAT

REALLY HURTS.

Ava: IT'S A SIDE CRAMP. YOUR

MUSCLES AREN'T USED TO RELEASING

LACTIC ACID. HERE. MAKE SURE YOU

BREATHE OUT FULLY. SMALL BREATHS

IN, DEEP BREATHS OUT.

[JULIA CRYING]

Julia: OH, GOD. I'M SO SORRY.

Ava: NO. DON'T APOLOGIZE.

RELEASE IS GOOD.

[JULIA CHUCKLES]

Julia: THANKS.

[JULIA EXHALES]

Ava: YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?

Julia, sniffling: NO. I'M AFRAID

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE SITUATIONS

THAT'S BETTER IN THAN OUT.

[JULIA LAUGHS]

Ava: HOW'S THE RUNNER'S CRAMP?

Julia: AHEM. GONE. [CHUCKLES]

Ava: WE DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER AS

MUCH AS WE THINK WE DO.

Julia: WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE...

ABOUT 17 YEARS AGO...I DID

SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE,

AND I NEVER TOLD ANYONE...UP

UNTIL RECENTLY, AND I OPENED A

PANDORA'S BOX. I JUST COULDN'T

TAKE IT, YOU KNOW? THE NOT

KNOWING.

Ava: NOT KNOWING WHAT?

Julia: I SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT

IT UP. COME ON.

Ava: YOU KNOW WHAT WAS LEFT IN

PANDORA'S BOX ONCE THE EVIL

ESCAPED? HOPE.

Julia: LISTEN, UM, I WAS

WONDERING...IF YOU THINK YOU

COULD GIVE THE COACHING THING

ANOTHER TRY?

Ava: I WAS HOPING YOU'D ASK.

Julia: FOR MATT, I MEAN. HIS

GRADES HAVE DROPPED. HE DOESN'T

STUDY ANYMORE.

Ava: ALL RIGHT. TELL HIM TO

CALL ME FOR AN APPOINTMENT. OR

BETTER YET--HE'S A TEENAGER.

I'LL CALL HIM.

Julia: THANKS.

Christian: AHH. LET'S SEE. WAR.

FAMINE. DISASTER, DISASTER,

DISASTER...AH, SECOND PANDA BORN

IN CAPTIVITY.

Christian: HEY, REMEMBER A FEW

YEARS AGO WHEN THAT LITTLE BOY

FELL THROUGH THE GUARDRAIL AT

THE MIAMI METRO ZOO AND HIT HIS

HEAD? AND THE FEMALE GORILLA

SCOOPED HIM UP AND ROCKED HIM

UNTIL MEDICAL HELP ARRIVED.

Liz: MOCKING MY EFFORTS TO GET

PREGNANT IS ONE THING, BUT

COMPARING ME TO COCO THE

GORILLA?

Christian: RELAX, LIZ. NOW,

YOU'RE JUST THE SISTER I NEVER

GOT TO TORTURE.

Liz: WE'RE NOT FAMILY,

CHRISTIAN. WE'RE NOT EVEN THE

SAME SUBSPECIES.

Christian: NEITHER WERE COCO AND

THAT LITTLE BOY, BUT LOOK AT

THEM. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GIVE

BIRTH TO A CHILD IN ORDER TO

LOVE IT.

Liz: LOOK...I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU

MUST BE FEELING AFTER LOSING

WILBUR, BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO FEEL LIFE

GROWING INSIDE ME.

Christian: THEN WHY DID YOU WAIT

UNTIL IT BECAME A RISK FOR BOTH

OF YOU?

Liz: MY FATHER HADN'T DIED YET.

WHEN HE FOUND OUT I WAS GAY, HE

TOLD MY MOTHER, "AT LEAST THERE

WON'T BE ANY KIDS."

Christian: JESUS. I'M SURPRISED

YOU DIDN'T GET KNOCKED UP RIGHT

AWAY JUST TO SHOW HIM.

Liz: THAT'S WHY I WAITED. I

DIDN'T WANNA HAVE THIS BABY OUT

OF SPITE. THIS BABY AND I, WE'RE

GONNA BE A FAMILY. WE'RE GONNA

LOVE EACH OTHER, NO MATTER WHAT.

Christian: LOOK, THAT CLINIC...

IF THEY GIVE YOU ANY MORE

TROUBLE--I MEAN...IF YOU'RE

LOOKING FOR AN ALTERNATE

SOURCE...HEY, I GOT WAY MORE

THAN I'LL EVER BE ABLE TO USE.

Liz: I'M CONFUSED. WE MAYBE HAVE

ONE CIVIL INTERACTION EVERY

OTHER LEAP YEAR, AND NOW YOU'RE

OFFERING ME YOUR SPERM?

Christian: IT'S YOU OR THE

TOILET.

Liz: OK, THIS CONVERSATION

SHOULD'VE ENDED AT COCO.

Christian: SERIOUSLY. IT'S A

GREAT FEELING...BEING A PARENT.

I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO MISS OUT

ON THAT.

Liz: I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

WE'RE TALKIN' TURKEY BASTER,

RIGHT?

Christian: WELL, I'M SURE IN

HELL NOT SLEEPIN' WITH YA.

Sean: AM I INTERRUPTING

SOMETHING?

Liz: YES. I'M ABOUT TO HAVE AN

ANEURYSM. CHRISTIAN IS OFFERING

ME HIS SPERM.

[CHRISTIAN CHUCKLES]

Ava: TO COURAGE.

Matt: WHY TO COURAGE?

Ava: BECAUSE IT TOOK A LION'S

COURAGE FOR YOU TO RING MY

DOORBELL.

Matt: YEAH, BUT THE LION WAS MY

MOTHER.

[JAZZ PLAYING SOFTLY]

Matt: THIS IS A NICE PLACE.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK MY

MOTHER WOULD APPROVE OF ME

DRINKING DURING THERAPY. DO YOU?

Ava: IT ISN'T THERAPY...AND

YOUR MOTHER ISN'T HERE.

Matt: I SHOULD GO.

Ava: BUT THIS IS YOUR MOMENT TO

BECOME A MAN, MATT. YOU'RE SO

CLOSE. IT'D BE A SHAME TO BLOW

IT.

Matt: I'M SORRY?

Ava: A MAN IS SOMEONE WHO ISN'T

AFRAID TO STAND NAKED IN HIS

TRUTH. DON'T BE AFRAID OF WHAT

YOU CAME OVER HERE TO TELL ME.

Matt: I DIDN'T COME OVER HERE TO

TELL YOU ANYTHING. I DON'T EVEN

KNOW YOU.

Ava: OK. THEN LET'S DO A TRUST

EXERCISE. YOU ASK ME TO DO

SOMETHING THAT COULD HURT ME IF

I DIDN'T TRUST YOU. THEN YOU

KNOW YOU CAN TRUST ME. SIT.

Ava: SAY WHAT YOU'RE FEELING.

Matt: OK. YOU WANT ME TO STAND

NAKED IN MY TRUTH. YOU GET

NAKED, AND I'LL GET NAKED.

Ava: NOW WE HAVE TO MAKE IT

DANGEROUS.

Ava: TAKE A PICTURE. IT'LL BE

YOUR PROOF.

Matt: I...

Ava: YOU COULD SHOW IT TO

ANYONE, BUT I TRUST YOU NOT TO.

[MATT LAUGHS]

Ava: NOW ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS

WAIT.

Ava: THIS IS A TRUST GAME,

MATT, NOT A SEX GAME. I TRUSTED

YOU. NOW YOU TRUST ME.

Ava: IT'S OK, MATT. LET IT OUT.

[MATT BREATHES DEEPLY]

Matt: ME AND MY FRIEND HENRY...

GOT HIGH. WE WERE DRIVING

STONED...

Matt: AND WE HIT HER.

WE HIT A GIRL, AND WE LEFT HER.

Woman, lisping: I DIDN'T WANT

A FANCY NEW STOVE, BUT HE

INSISTED. FOR OUR 25th WEDDING

ANNIVERSARY.

Christian: AND THE STOVE WAS

DEFECTIVE?

Woman: WHEN I WENT TO LIGHT IT,

IT JUST ERUPTED. IT TOOK OFF MY

HAIR, MY EYELASHES. I HAD

THIRD-DEGREE BURNS. MY LIPS

WERE JUST, UH, BURNED TO A

CRISP. AFTER THEY COOLED OFF,

DOCTORS HAD TO PEEL THEM OFF,

LIKE, UH, FRUIT ROLL-UPS.

Sean: SOUNDS VERY PAINFUL.

Woman: YEAH. IT WASN'T PLEASANT,

I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

Sean: MRS. CALDERELLO, WE'VE HAD

TREMENDOUS SUCCESS IN LIP

RECONSTRUCTION USING THE

PATIENT'S LABIAL FOLDS AS DONOR

SITES.

Mrs. Calderello: LABIAL? THAT

MEANS "LIPS," RIGHT?

Christian: THAT'S RIGHT. YOUR

OTHER LIPS. YOU'VE GOT 2 PAIR.

Mrs. Calderello: OH, MY GOD.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? I'M

NOT PUTTING THOSE ON MY FACE!

Sean: THEY'RE ONLY SKIN, DERMIS.

Mrs. Calderello: FROM MY LOACA?

FORGET IT!

Sean: THERE'S REALLY NO OTHER

OPTION.

Mrs. Calderello: WELL, WHAT

ABOUT WHEN MY HUSBAND KISSES ME?

Christian: DON'T WORRY. HE WON'T

BE ABLE TO TELL WHERE IT CAME

FROM BECAUSE OF TEXTURE OR

FRAGRANCE.

Mrs. Calderello: IF HE FINDS

OUT, HE'LL NEVER KISS ME AGAIN.

Sean: YOU MEAN, HE DOESN'T

LIKE--

Mrs. Calderello: HE'S NEVER

TRIED IT. HE'S OLD SCHOOL.

SICILIAN. MEN LIKE HIM THINK

IT'S A WEAKNESS TO, UH, SATISFY

A WOMAN IN THAT WAY.

Christian: MRS. CALDERELLO, IF

YOUR HUSBAND WANTS SEXUAL

RELATIONS AT THE END OF A LONG

DAY, DO YOU EVER SAY NO?

Mrs. Calderello: OF COURSE NOT.

I WANT TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.

Christian: WHAT ABOUT YOUR

HAPPINESS? THE SECRET JOY OF

KNOWING THAT IT'S THE FIRST TIME

THOSE LIPS WILL HAVE EVER BEEN

KISSED?

Sean: AFTER SHE TALKED IT OVER

HONESTLY WITH HER HUSBAND, OF

COURSE.

Mrs. Calderello: DO IT. PUT MY

PUSSY ON MY LIPS. WHAT HE

DOESN'T KNOW, HE DOESN'T KNOW.

BUT IF HE ASKS, YOU GOT IT FROM

MY BREASTS. THOSE HE, UH, CAN'T

GET ENOUGH OF.

Ava: MATT, I ONLY SEE PEOPLE BY

APPOINTMENT, LIKE A DOCTOR.

Matt: COME ON.

Ava: I MEAN IT. THIS IS A

PROFESSIONAL RELATIONSHIP.

Matt: SO IS THIS WHAT YOU DO?

YOU GET PEOPLE TO OPEN UP AND

SPILL THEIR GUTS SO YOU CAN

STOMP ALL OVER THEM?

Ava: LOOK, WE NEED TO ESTABLISH

SOME BOUNDARIES.

Matt: WHAT, I'M SUPPOSED TO

BELIEVE THAT YOU GET NAKED WITH

ALL YOUR CLIENTS? THAT THIS WAS

JUST SOME STUPID TRUST EXERCISE?

Ava: LOOK...I MADE A COMMITMENT

TO YOUR MOTHER TO HELP YOU. I

DON'T TAKE MY COMMITMENTS

LIGHTLY, MATT.

Matt: LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND

TELL ME YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO

ME.

Ava: I AM ATTRACTED TO YOU...BUT

YOUR MOTHER HIRED ME AS YOUR

LIFE COACH, NOT YOUR GEISHA.

Matt: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT

IT'S LIKE GOING AROUND ALL DAY

WITH A CONSTANT HARD-ON?

Ava: YOU WANT SOME RELIEF? GIVE

ME AN "A" IN FRENCH.

Matt: YOU'RE OFFERING ME SEX

FOR GRADES?

Ava: JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU GET

YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK.

[MATT LAUGHS]

Matt: COME ON, THERE'S NO WAY I

CAN GO FROM A "C" TO AN "A."

Ava: THEN THERE'S NO WAY I CAN

RELIEVE YOUR SUFFERING. IT'S

AMAZING WHAT A LITTLE INCENTIVE

CAN DO.

Ava: AU REVOIR.

Liz: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE

SUCKING A TEA BAG OF FAT OUT OF

A WOMAN WHO'S AS SKINNY AS A

TWIZZLER.

Sean: WE'RE SCULPTING LOCALIZED

FAT DEPOSITS THAT CAN'T BE

CONTROLLED BY DIET AND EXERCISE.

BECAUSE MRS. BRODERICK ATTAINED

HER IDEAL WEIGHT, SHE'S A

PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR THE

PROCEDURE.

Liz: I THINK SHE'S EVEN THINNER

THAN WHEN SHE CAME IN FOR HER

CONSULT.

>> * LIES, LIES, LIES, YEAH,

LIES, LIES, LIES, YEAH,

LIES, LIES, LIES, YEAH,

LIES, LIES, LIES, YEAH,

OH, LO, LO, LO *

Liz: SO, UM, I WAS THINKING

ABOUT ACCEPTING CHRISTIAN'S

SPERM.

Sean: COME ON, LIZ. THAT'S YOUR

DESPERATION TALKING.

Liz: DAMN STRAIGHT. I JUST CAN'T

LISTEN TO ANOTHER LAB TECHNICIAN

TELL ME MY CHILD'S GONNA LOOK

LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A DIANE

ARBUS PHOTO.

Sean: THERE'S ENOUGH CONFLICT

IN THIS OFFICE WITHOUT ADDING

DOMESTIC WARFARE TO THE LIST.

Liz: WOMEN PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR

MEDICAL STUDENT SPERM. I'VE GOT

GRADE-A DOCTOR DNA FOR FREE.

Sean: WHEN IT INVOLVES

CHRISTIAN, IT'S NEVER A BARGAIN.

Christian: WHO TOOK ALLEGRA

CALDERELLO OFF THE SCHEDULE? I

MOVED A RHINOPLASTY TO GET HER

IN!

Sean: I WANTED TO SIT ON IT.

Christian: SIT ON IT? THE WOMAN

HAS NO LIPS.

Sean: I'M UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT

LYING TO HER HUSBAND. IT WOULD

BE LIKE ME LYING TO JULIA. OR

LYING TO YOU.

>> * LIES, LIES, LIES, YEAH *

Christian: HE'S NOT YOUR

PATIENT. SHE IS. WE'RE SIMPLY

PROTECTING HER PRIVACY.

Sean: WE'RE PROTECTING HER

PRIVACY OR KEEPING HER SECRETS?

Christian: YOU'RE SUCH A GODDAMN

MORALIST. WE LIE, SEAN. WE KEEP

SECRETS IN ORDER TO PROTECT THE

PEOPLE THAT WE LOVE. HUSBANDS,

WIVES, CHILDREN, FRIENDS, EVEN

STRANGERS. SHIT, IF ANNE FRANK

HAD BEEN HIDING IN YOUR ATTIC,

SHE WOULDN'T HAVE GOT PAST THE

WORDS "DEAR DIARY." I'M PUTTING

PUSSY LIPS BACK ON THE SCHEDULE.

>> * LIES, LIES, LIES, YEAH,

WHOA, LO, LO, LO,

LIES, LIES, LIES, YEAH *

Matt: OHH!

Policeman: YOU WANNA TELL US

WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE DOING?

Matt: HEY. THANKS FOR COMING.

Christian: DON'T WORRY, OFFICER.

THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

Officer: IT BETTER NOT. NEXT

TIME HE'LL BE CHARGED AS AN

ADULT.

Matt, laughing: HOLY SHIT. MAN,

THAT WAS LIKE BEING ABDUCTED BY

ALIENS.

Christian: YEAH? WELL, YOU KEEP

THAT UP AND YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT

IT'S LIKE TO BE ANALLY PROBED BY

SOME LIFER WHO WANTS TO MAKE YOU

HIS BITCH!

Matt: COME ON, WHAT--WHAT ARE

THEY GONNA DO, ARREST EVERY KID

WHO JACKS OFF?

Christian: YOUR MOMMY DIDN'T

JUST CATCH YOU IN THE BATHROOM,

MATT. YOU WERE BEATING OFF IN

PUBLIC! ONCE YOU ARE BRANDED A

SEX OFFENDER, IT STAYS WITH YOU.

Matt: I'M SCREWING UP MY FUTURE.

I GOT IT. BUT IT WASN'T ALL MY

FAULT.

Christian: OH, RIGHT. LIKE

SOMEONE MADE YOU WHACK OFF?!

Matt: YOU HAVEN'T SEEN HER. SHE

IS UNBELIEVABLY HOT.

Christian: YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL

FOR SOME HOT PIECE OF TEENAGE

ASS?

Matt: SHE'S NOT A TEENAGE PIECE

OF ASS. SHE'S YOUR AGE, OK?

SHE'S THE LIFE COACH MOM HIRED

TO GET MY GRADES UP.

Christian: YOUR GRADES, ASSHOLE,

NOT YOUR DICK! NOW, YOU STAY

AWAY FROM HER!

Matt: OH, YEAH, RIGHT, LIKE YOU

DON'T THINK OLDER WOMEN ARE HOT?

ISN'T THAT WHY YOU SLEPT WITH MY

GRANDMOTHER? MAN, I DON'T EVEN

RECOGNIZE YOU. WHERE'S THE GUY

WHO GOT ME DRUNK WHEN I WAS 13?

WHERE'S THE GUY WHO TOOK ME TO

THAT STRIP CLUB? WHERE'S THE GUY

WHO BOUGHT ME MY FIRST RUBBER?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Christian: YOU ARE NEVER TO SEE

HER AGAIN. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Matt: HERE'S A LITTLE UPDATE FOR

YOU, CHRISTIAN. I ALREADY HAVE A

FATHER, AND I DON'T NEED ANOTHER

ONE.

Ava: I JUST THINK IT'S LOVELY

YOU'RE SUCH AN INTEGRAL PART OF

HIS LIFE. GROWING UP'S SO

COMPLICATED NOW. WE COULD ALL

USE A PROTECTIVE EYE.

Christian: THANKS. AND I'M HIS

GODFATHER.

Ava: HIS GODFATHER. REALLY?

Christian: I WENT TO COLLEGE

WITH HIS PARENTS. WE'RE ALL

PRETTY CLOSE, AND I'M IN

BUSINESS WITH HIS FATHER. TROY

McNAMARA.

Ava: SO, THAT WAS, WHAT, 20

YEARS AGO?

Christian: 17.

Ava: WELL, HE'S VERY LUCKY THAT

YOU'RE WATCHING OUT OVER HIM.

UH, LOOK, DR. TROY, YOU DO

UNDERSTAND THAT MY WORK WITH

MATT IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING IN

PARTICULAR--

Christian: HE'S IN LOVE WITH

YOU.

Ava: I ENCOURAGE TRANSFERENCE.

IT'S INSTRUMENTAL IN BRINGING

ABOUT CHANGE.

Christian: HE WAS CAUGHT

MASTURBATING OUTSIDE YOUR

WINDOW. IS THAT PART OF

TRANSFERENCE, TOO?

[AVA LAUGHS]

Ava: HE'S YOUNG AND VERY SWEET.

Christian: YOU THINK WHAT HE'S

DOING IS SWEET? LOOK, YOU'RE A

BRIGHT, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. YOU

HAVE A CERTAIN ALLURE TO A KID

WHO'S STILL AT AN IMPRESSIONABLE

AGE. YOU MAY BE UNDERESTIMATING

YOUR EFFECT ON HIM.

Ava: HE'S IMMATURE. I'LL TALK

TO HIM.

Christian: GOOD. [EXHALES] AHEM.

AND IF THERE'S ANYONE ELSE YOU

COULD RECOMMEND FOR HIM TO SEE.

Ava: WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

Christian: WELL, YOU'RE NOT

GONNA WORK WITH HIM AFTER WHAT

I TOLD YOU.

Ava: DR. TROY, I'M TRYING TO

RID HIM OF HIS SHAME, ENCOURAGE

HIM TO GET IN TOUCH WITH HIS

FEELINGS, INCLUDING HIS SEXUAL

IMPULSES. HIS ATTRACTION TO ME

IS NORMAL...AS MINE IS TO HIM...

AND MUTUALLY ADVANTAGEOUS. HE

MAKES ME FEEL 10 YEARS YOUNGER.

Christian: YOU WANNA FEEL

YOUNGER, TRY BOTOX, NOT A

17-YEAR-OLD KID.

Ava: I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE SO

PURITANICAL.

Christian: I'M A GODDAMN

PILGRIM! HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH

HIM?

Ava: I TOLD YOU THAT'S

CONFIDENTIAL. YOU'LL HAVE TO

FIND SOME OTHER FANTASY TO HELP

YOU GET IT UP.

Christian: I'LL HAVE YOU

ARRESTED FOR STATUTORY RAPE.

Ava: HE'S 17. IN FLORIDA,

THAT'S A CONSENTING ADULT.

Christian: YOU CERTAINLY KNOW

YOUR RAPE LAW.

Ava: WELL, AS SOMEONE WHO,

ACCORDING TO MATT, HAS HAD THEIR

SHARE OF TEENAGE GIRLS, YOU'RE

STUPID IF YOU DON'T.

Christian: WELL...I'M SURE JULIA

WILL BE VERY INTERESTED TO HEAR

ABOUT WHAT PARTS OF LIFE YOU'RE

COACHING HER SON IN.

Ava: AND I'M SURE SEAN WILL BE

VERY INTERESTED TO KNOW WHO

MATT'S REAL FATHER IS.

Christian: I DON'T KNOW WHAT

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

Ava: DON'T YOU?

Christian: JULIA WOULD NEVER--

Ava: SHE DIDN'T NEED TO. THE

RESEMBLANCE IS QUITE OBVIOUS.

OF COURSE, WE RARELY BELIEVE

WHAT WE SEE WHEN WE DON'T WANNA

SEE IT.

Sean: IT'S STILL VERY EARLY. YOU

SHOULD CALL THE OFFICE IF YOU

NOTICE ANY ADDITIONAL DRAINAGE

FROM THE INCISION SITE. BUT

OTHER THAN THAT, WE'RE RIGHT ON

COURSE.

Mrs. Broderick: WOW. THIS WOULD

NOT MAKE A VERY GOOD "AFTER"

PICTURE. LOOKS LIKE I'VE BEEN IN

A CAR ACCIDENT OR SOMETHING.

Sean: THE BRUISING WILL GO AWAY

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND MINOR

PUCKERING AT THE INCISION IS

NOT UNCOMMON.

Mrs. Broderick: MMM. [CHUCKLES]

THERE WERE NO PICTURES LIKE THIS

IN THE BROCHURES YOU GAVE ME.

Sean: WELL, IF IT'S STILL THERE

IN A FEW WEEKS, WE'LL TAKE CARE

OF IT USING A LOCAL IN THE

OFFICE.

Mrs. Broderick: BUT YOU DIDN'T

SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A SECOND

SURGERY.

Sean: IF IT'S STILL THERE,

WHICH I'M SURE IT WON'T BE.

Mrs. Broderick: WHAT HAPPENED TO

"LIPOSUCTION IS THE MOST COMMON

PROCEDURE"?

Sean: IT'S NOT UNUSUAL FOR

PATIENTS TO COME IN FOR A

TOUCH-UP. THIS ISN'T LIKE THOSE

TV SHOWS WHERE EVERYTHING'S

PERFECT AFTER SURGERY: NO

BRUISING, NO NEED FOR A PERIOD

OF CONVALESCENCE.

Mrs. Broderick: YOU SHOULD'VE

WARNED ME. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A

JOB INTERVIEW IN 10 DAYS. I

CAN'T AFFORD TO GO THROUGH THIS

AGAIN.

Sean: GIVE IT TIME. EVERYONE

HEALS AT THEIR OWN--

Mrs. Broderick: TIME IS WHAT I

DON'T HAVE, DOCTOR. I THOUGHT

YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT. THIS IS IT.

THIS IS MY SHOT. OHH...GOD. LOOK

AT ME. HOW MANY MORE CHANCES

DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA GET?

>> * THE THING THAT MAKES ME,

WHAT THE GUYS GO CRAZY FOR,

THEY LOSE THEIR MINDS,

THE WAY I WIND,

I THINK IT'S TIME... *

Sean: THERE'S NO WINNER.

YOU'RE GONNA GIVE YOURSELF

A HEART ATTACK.

Christian: PROMISE?

I HATE THIS PLACE.

Sean: COME ON, WE'RE LUCKY.

STATE-OF-THE-ART, 5 MINUTES FROM

THE OFFICE.

Christian: LOOK AROUND.

IT'S LIKE PLANET OF OUR BOTCHED

BOOB JOBS.

Woman: * MY MILK SHAKE

BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD

AND THEIR LIFE

IS BETTER THAN YOURS

DAMN RIGHT *

Sean: MAYBE WE SHOULD SET UP A

KIOSK.

Sean: LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU COME

OVER AFTER THIS, BREAK BREAD

WITH THE FAMILY. WE ALL MISS

YOU, ESPECIALLY THE KIDS.

Christian: THANKS, BUT I'M NOT

UP FOR FAMILY NIGHT. WHAT I NEED

IS AN EVENING OF SYNCHRONIZED

SCREWING.

Sean: SO YOU CAN NUMB YOUR PAIN

FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS? MAYBE

INSTEAD OF A CHILD, YOU NEED

A RELATIONSHIP.

Christian: NOT EVERYONE IS LUCKY

ENOUGH TO FIND A WOMAN WHO CAN

GET THEM HARD PHYSICALLY AND

MENTALLY, SEAN. I JUST WANT TO

FIND SOMEONE WHOSE COMPANY I CAN

STAND ONCE HER MOUTH IS FREE OF

OBSTRUCTION.

Woman: * THE BOYS

ARE WAITING *

Prince: * DON'T HAVE TO BE

BEAUTIFUL

TO TURN ME ON *

Sean: GUESS WHAT I FOUND?

Christian: I'M NOT SURE I WANT

TO KNOW.

Sean: YOUR IDEAL WOMAN.

Christian: IN THERE?

SHE MUST BE AWFULLY TINY.

Sean: I WANT YOU TO MEET HER.

SHE'S BEAUTY AND BRAINS IN ONE

PACKAGE.

Prince: * MY LOVE

I'LL BE YOUR FOOL

YEAH *

Christian: FORGET IT.

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

Sean: TOO LATE. SHE'S ACTUALLY

HERE.

CHRISTIAN TROY, AVA MOORE.

Prince: * AS A MATTER

OF FACT

I JUST WANT YOUR EXTRA TIME

AND YOUR KISS *

[CHRISTIAN SIGHS]

Ava: NICE TO MEET YOU,

CHRISTIAN.

Sean: WELL, I SHOULD GO.

I HAVE A PATIENT.

BY THE WAY, I'M THRILLED

ABOUT MATT.

Christian: WHAT ABOUT HIM?

Sean: HE GOT AN "A" ON HIS

FRENCH MID-TERM. BEFORE HE

STARTED SEEING AVA, HE WAS

GETTING Cs. SHE'S AN

INCREDIBLE MOTIVATOR.

Christian: WHAT THE HELL

ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Ava: JUST WANTED TO SEE THE

EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE WHEN YOU

SAW ME. DEFINITELY WORTH

THE TRIP.

Christian: LOOK, WE'RE NOT THAT

DIFFERENT, YOU AND I, AND I

THINK WE OWE MATT A CHANCE.

Ava: TO DO WHAT?

Christian: TO BECOME AN ADULT

WITHOUT US SCREWING HIM UP.

HE'S A GOOD KID.

HE DESERVES BETTER.

HOW ABOUT I MAKE A DEAL WITH

YOU?

Ava: I'M LISTENING.

Christian: HAVE ME INSTEAD.

YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED.

Ava: AGE HAS ITS ADVANTAGES...

BUT WITH YOUTH, YOU GET TO

TOUCH THE FUTURE. AS A TEACHER,

THAT'S THE BEST PART OF MY JOB.

Christian: GET OUT OF MY OFFICE.

Ava: WELL, YOU'LL HAVE TO SHOOT

ME FIRST...

WITH BOTOX. I HAVE A HOT DATE

WITH A YOUNG MAN, SO I'M TAKING

YOUR ADVICE.

Christian: YOU'D TRUST ME WITH

A NEEDLE FULL OF POISON

AIMED AT YOUR FOREHEAD?

Ava: WITH THE INFORMATION I'VE

GOT ON YOU, NOW IS NOT THE TIME

OR PLACE TO DENY ME ANYTHING.

Christian: 2 CCs IS WHAT'S

USUALLY RECOMMENDED. HOWEVER,

IT DOES VARY FROM PERSON TO

PERSON, AND IT HAS BEEN KNOWN

TO INTERFERE WITH A PATIENT'S

ABILITY TO EAT, BLINK, AND

SPEAK, BUT I'M SURE YOU'LL

BE FINE.

Ava: OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT

SEAN. I'LL TELL HIM WE LACKED

CHEMISTRY. I'LL SAY YOU WERE

ARROGANT, BANAL, AND IN MY

OPINION, SIMPLY NOT READY FOR

A MATURE RELATIONSHIP.

Sean: GOOD. THE INCISIONS ARE

HEALING NICELY. NO SIGNS OF

INFECTION.

Mr. Calderello: THEY LOOK

SO PINK AND SMOOTH,

LIKE BEFORE THEY GOT ALL

WRINKLY FROM SMOKING CIGARETTES.

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE YOU CAN

TAKE SKIN FROM DOWN THERE

AND PUT IT ON HER FACE.

Sean: I'M DELIGHTED YOU TOLD

HIM, MRS. CALDERELLO.

Mrs. Calderello: WELL,

OF COURSE. I WANTED HIM TO KNOW

WHEN HE KISSED ME, HE'D BE

KISSING THE SKIN FROM BEHIND

MY KNEE. HE ALWAYS USED TO

TICKLE ME THERE.

Mr. Calderello: THE FIRST TIME

I SAW THE PIETA, YOU COULD FEEL

THE SMOOTHNESS OF THE MADONNA'S

LIPS. THAT'S HOW I FEEL

WHEN I LOOK AT MY MADONNA.

WHEN DO I GET TO KISS HER?

SHE KEEPS SAYING TO ASK YOU.

Mrs. Calderello: ALL OF

A SUDDEN, HE'S IN SUCH A HURRY.

Mr. Calderello: THEY JUST LOOK

SO PINK.

Sean: THAT'S REALLY UP TO YOUR

WIFE. WHENEVER SHE FEELS

COMFORTABLE.

[DEAN MARTIN SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Dean Martin: * VOLARE

WHOA *

Mr. Calderello: SO SOFT AND

SMOOTH, EVEN BETTER THAN

BEFORE.

Dean Martin: * WHOA *

[CONTINUES SONG IN ITALIAN]

Liz: I HAD LUNCH WITH A

COUPLE OF MY GAY FRIENDS,

MARK AND HIS PARTNER JEFF.

WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR YEARS,

SO, UH...I FIGURED I'D ASK THEM

ABOUT BECOMING SPERM DONORS.

Christian: MAKES SENSE. I'M

NOT INSULTED.

Liz: THEY TURNED ME DOWN.

APPARENTLY, THEY'D FEEL MORE

COMFORTABLE WITH A YOUNGER

LESBIAN.

Christian: AGE DOESN'T

NECESSARILY ENSURE A HEALTHY

CHILD.

Liz: THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THEM.

THEN THEY QUOTED ME STATISTICS,

AND THEY STUCK ME WITH THE BILL.

FUNNY HOW YOU TURN OUT TO BE

THE GUY WHO SHOWS UP WHEN

YOU NEED HIM.

SO...I'D LIKE TO ACCEPT YOUR

OFFER, IF IT'S STILL GOOD.

Christian: GOOD WHILE SUPPLIES

LAST.

Sean: THERE'S JUST NOTHING MORE

I CAN DO.

Julia: HONEY, I DON'T RECALL US

INVITING CHRISTIAN TO JOIN US.

Sean: YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M LIKE A

PATHOLOGICAL RESCUER. BESIDES,

IF AVA CAN'T GET THROUGH

TO HIM...

Julia: HE MET AVA?

Sean: I INVITED HER TO THE

OFFICE. I THOUGHT THEY'D HIT

IT OFF.

Julia: YOU FIXED THEM UP AT

WORK? WHAT HAPPENED?

Sean: NOT MUCH. APPARENTLY, THEY

LACKED CHEMISTRY.

Mrs. Broderick: DR. McNAMARA!

Julia: WHO'S THAT?

Sean: A PATIENT. BOBBI, WHAT

ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Mrs. Broderick: I FOLLOWED YOU.

YOU AND YOUR LOVELY WIFE.

I DON'T MEAN TO RUIN YOUR NIGHT

OUT, BUT I WANTED TO THANK YOU,

PUBLICLY...FOR THIS.

ISN'T IT FABULOUS, LADIES?

LIPOSUCTION BY DR. SEAN

McNAMARA OF McNAMARA-TROY.

CALL ANY TIME FOR AN

APPOINTMENT, BUT DON'T FORGET

TO READ THE FINE PRINT BECAUSE

HE SURE AS HELL WON'T TELL YOU

ABOUT IT.

Sean: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH ME. OBVIOUSLY, YOU'VE HAD

A SUDDEN WEIGHT GAIN--

Mrs. Broderick: DON'T YOU DARE

TRY TO TWIST THIS AROUND LIKE

IT'S MY FAULT! YOU NEVER

BOTHERED TO EXPLAIN THE RISKS

TO ME. I GUESS YOU DIDN'T WANT

TO WASTE THE TIME BECAUSE I'M

NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO YOU.

Manager: EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU--

Mrs. Broderick: I'LL GO WHEN HE

APOLOGIZES. THIS MAN RUINED MY

CAREER.

Sean: CAREER? YOU HAD A JOB

INTERVIEW.

Mrs. Broderick: YOU NEVER TOOK

ME SERIOUSLY, DID YOU? I WAS

JUST A MIDDLE-AGED NOTHING.

Sean: LOOK, THERE WAS NOTHING

WRONG WITH THAT LIPOSUCTION.

NOW, IF YOU WANT TO COME TO MY

OFFICE AND TALK ABOUT FIXING--

Mrs. Broderick: NO, DR.

McNAMARA, YOU COME TO MY

LAWYER'S OFFICE, AND YOU TALK

TO HIM. AND YOU CAN TAKE YOUR

GODDAMN CONDESCENDING A.M.A.

VOICE AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR

PINCHED LITTLE ASS!

Ava: TO YOUR CONTINUED SUCCESS.

I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

Matt: MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST SKIP

THE REST OF DINNER AND GO RIGHT

TO THE REWARD.

Ava: I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET...

AND YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOUR

VEGETABLES.

Matt: WELL, THIS IS BULLSHIT.

ALL THAT CRAP ABOUT KEEPING

YOUR COMMITMENTS. WELL, I KEPT

MINE. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO

INTENTION OF KEEPING YOURS.

Ava: GOD DAMN IT.

YOU REALLY NEED TO LEARN TO

TRUST MORE.

Ava: I NEED TO DASH. EARLY

CLIENT. DON'T BE LATE FOR

SCHOOL.

Boy: HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN'?

Boy: COULD YOU PASS THE MILK?

Matt: WHO ARE YOU?

Boy: ADRIAN. AVA'S SON.

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--]