Original subtitles

Sometimes things work out.

Sometimes they don't.

Sometimes no matter how well you plan your foundation, the roof falls in.

Kaboom! Nothing left but the rafters.

Take my best friend Gary, a man born to have kids.

Instead, he's got a newspaper that tells tomorrow's news, and one about to be...

Are we ready? Ex-wife.

Guess so.

Which goes to show, when it comes to the future, it's not what you know that

counts.

It's what you do when you get there.

In single life.

Again.

Welcome back, buddy. We meet again.

Thanks a lot.

Garrett, look.

It's gonna take some time. But believe me, you're better off without it.

You really think that, don't you?

You gotta get into the spirit of things.

Look around you. Look at all these chicks.

Look at her.

Garrett, you are a free man. Think about it. The thrill of the hunt. All the

action.

Cold pizza for breakfast.

Exactly.

You know what she said to me?

Who?

Marcia.

Where the lawyer's office.

She turns around to me. You know what she said?

She wants your back.

I give up.

She said to him.

No hard feelings, huh?

How's that?

It's been fun.

Call me sometime.

Yeah, that's right.

Thank you.

Come on, the Cubs.

We're losing again.

What else is new?

Hey, Cheech, give me another crown. I gotta go. Wait a minute. What do you

mean you're going? Would you sit down? Get him a drink, too. Will you relax,

please? I can't. I gotta go. Where?

7-Eleven over on Dunsby.

Oh, buddy.

That's bad.

I know you're hurting, but hanging around convenience stores.

Stick around. As your friend, I refuse to let you go.

Chucky?

Actually, I could use a slurpee.

Chucky? Amy Hensley.

Who? Chuck!

There's a feed over here.

Who's that? A doctor.

Really?

Chuck! Don't look over there. Chucky!

Wait a second, Chucky. She seems to like you. Maybe we... Chuck!

Chuck Fishman!

Look, it was two years ago. Steamboat Springs.

A junket. I was desperate.

She's been stalking me ever since.

Okay?

Can't wait.

Gary, come on. Move.

Go. Now.

That's what I have to look forward to.

You call that the thrill of the hunt?

Hey, sometimes you gotta take what you can get. Oh, that's a motto to live by.

But not you. You're gonna make out like gangbusters. You're a good-looking kid.

You know, you're one of those aw-shucks kind of guys that girls really go for.

You got nothing to worry about.

Of course, you live in a dump. But you get tomorrow's newspaper, which I may

add is one hell of an icebreaker. Uh-huh.

Hey, you gotta use what you got, buddy.

I mean, it's a jungle out there.

Dating game Darwinist. Only the strong survive.

You're gonna do good at this, trust me. I was good at being married.

Which explains why you're here with me tonight.

Sorry.

Forget about her. What do you got to lose?

What do you mean, what have I got to lose? A family? A home? Kids? You know I

want kids?

Why? What do you mean, why?

Nothing but trouble.

Gotta change their diapers and all that. You're not in ruling.

Okay,

we're going to do this thing, right?

Jimmy, Roy, I know what you're planning on doing. Don't do it. The guy behind

the counter in there has got a sawed-off shotgun.

He's got no marksmanship. At least, here's 50 bucks. That's all you're going

to get anyway, all right?

You know what? You've got a chance for a scholarship. You've got a girlfriend at

home who loves you. What do you want to throw all that away for, huh?

something about your muffler.

Let's go.

Where were we?

All right. As long as we're on this side of town, nothing's lost.

We can catch the Jackie Chan Festival of the Arts.

Starts at 8.15.

Perfect.

Is this going to take long? I hate missing the coming attractions.

Hi, Molly. You going somewhere?

Who are you?

Parents hate me, and I hate them.

No, I don't think so.

Look, your mom, she's sorry she yelled at you.

And your dad, he's very proud of your math scores.

But they forgot my birthday.

No.

Look in the back of the garage. There's a brand new blue 10-speed.

Why don't you go back inside? It's past your bedtime.

Go.

8.20?

We blew it.

Okay, plan B. We're downtown.

The Bruin View.

They're showing Jaws 1 through 4.

Perfect. We're in time for Jaws 3. That's in 3D.

Hey, Garrett, did you hear me? I said that's in 3D.

You're nickel short. Hey, what's the hold up?

She has food stamps. Now she's a nickel short.

All right, what do you want me to put back?

I... How about the milk?

No, I need that.

The bologna. No.

Look, couldn't I just owe you the money? I live just down the street. I come here

all the time. What about the bread?

Yo, come on.

It belonged to my grandfather.

They told me it would bring me luck.

Yeah?

Well, it hasn't worked so far.

Hold it.

She'll pay with it.

Thank you. I can pay you back. Oh, yeah, I know you can.

He's a 1913 Liberty Head nickel. He was kind of a fella for just over a million

dollars.

Take it to a rare coin dealer.

Seems like you should keep it in the family.

All right, are you done? We can still make it. We got five minutes.

Hey, Gare.

I'm gonna stop.

You're impossible.

You can't let this gig be all-consuming. I mean, even Batman had a social life.

You remember all those parties at Wayne Manor?

You're forgetting about the little people.

You're friends.

What about my needs, Gare?

Just take a minute.

Senator.

Not tonight.

See the guy over there with the bull fat?

He'd love to get a picture of you, young lady, and he's not a bull.

And don't forget, it's an election year.

Let's get the hell out of here.

What were you saying?

No.

What were we saying?

Yeah, kid. How can she not want kids? A wild guess, because she doesn't.

She did when we met.

She said that.

Well, not in so many words, but God just figures that.

And she gets a job at the law firm now.

Well, you know, Gary, people change. I mean, look at you.

Well, yeah, a lot of people have families. Instead, I get a cat.

Heroes never have it easy.

The only reason anyone would ever call me a hero is because I get this paper

here.

Maybe you get that paper because you're a hero.

What are you talking about? Hero?

Can't even say my own marriage.

Zeke.

What? That's what I was going to name him. Who?

My son.

The first one I named him.

Well,

what if it was a girl?

Zeke.

Oh.

Well, that makes it easy.

Who's going to play hockey, you know?

Zeke. Yeah. The boy or the girl? Doesn't matter.

Oh.

Basking.

Go camping, sleep under the stars, hang out at the circus. You know I like the

circus. Do you want to talk about this or not?

I mean, because if you do, there's plenty of time if you don't want to have

a kid.

People have them every day.

Oh, you're telling me.

What?

I'm ready. You're not going to believe this.

What?

You're not going to believe that.

Okay, here's the deal.

I had this dream last night. Ralston Purina up six points.

What do you say?

You're dreaming stocks.

I'm dreaming condos in Aspen, a house in Lake Geneva. Check it out in the papers.

It's worth a try.

What?

There is a story here that might interest you.

Really?

Why am I suddenly suspicious?

No, no, no, no. It's good.

It's good.

Oh, yeah?

Well, where is it?

Sports? Financial?

Here you go, bud.

Pay yourself.

Seven. My lucky number. Guys, this is great. I promise I'll give you seven.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

The Storch came to Chicago on the downtown alley yesterday afternoon in

the unlikely person of Chuck Fishman, local stockbroker.

Battling time and rush hour conditions, Fishman came to the rescue of housewife

Ann Kellogg when she unexpectedly went into labor.

I'm not doing it. Mother and daughter were reported in excellent condition at

Cook County Hospital.

Had a way, Dr.

Kildare. I'm not doing it. What's wrong, Chuck? You're going to be a hero.

Groovy. Well, but guess what?

Chuck ain't doing it. Why?

The paper says it turns out fine. What is it? Some kind of joke?

What is today? April Fool's?

No.

Nixon's birthday?

Oh, I know. This is to get back at me for that time I short-cheated your bed

in college. Is that it? Oh, no, no.

Oh, I know. It's when I put that warm water on your wrist and you peed your

pants. I don't think you have a choice.

Sure I do. And here it is.

No. There.

Selection made.

And you're in the men's room, young lady.

Call me crazy, but that man has a problem with the miracle of childbirth.

Hey, Chuck, don't you think you're overreacting here a little bit? Yeah?

How's that?

How's that?

It says in the paper the mother and the baby are going to be fine.

Oh, sure. Then? Well, so what's the problem?

What's the problem?

I'll tell you the problem.

The problem is... Fluids.

Fluids.

Yeah.

You know, like... Blood and stuff.

Childbirth.

Look, I've never told this to anyone before, but in the seventh grade, in

biology class, you know, when you have to dissect the frog.

Well, I opened mine up and there was a duck in it. Really?

Weird duck.

Chuck, delivering a baby is not the same as dissecting a frog.

Close enough.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

Maybe it's a different Chuck Fishmilk.

Just happens to look exactly like me.

I don't think so. Well, this is why I tell you never to show me that paper.

Now you know how I feel.

Yeah? Except unlike you, I'm not putting up with it.

Mm-hmm.

Kellogg. Kellogg. Ann Kellogg.

I'm out of here.

There she is. I knew I'd find her.

Come on. Come on. You know this is probably futile.

What are you talking about?

We're being good neighbors.

If you were going to pop out a baby on the grimy floor of a public conveyance,

you'd want a little advance notice as well.

You're concerned touching.

God, what an appetite.

Look at her go.

Okay. Wish me luck, dude. Just out of curiosity, what are you going to tell

her? I don't know, but I'll think of something.

I'm quick on my feet.

Sir. The girl from the bar.

I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Yes? Hi.

I'm Chuck Borkowski.

You don't know me.

Bordell.

Not now. Please.

Hey, lady! Stop!

Don't drop!

Don't drop!

Get a light!

Next time, keep your opinions to yourself, creep.

Get pregnant. The whole world thinks they're your obstetrician.

Success. She's taking a cab. It worked.

Okay, now check the paper. See what it says.

What?

Congratulations.

Twins.

So, you handing out cigars?

Very funny.

The stork came early to a downtown elevator yesterday afternoon in the

person of stockbroker Chuck Fisher. All right, that's enough. Who came to the

Avon expecting mother and delivered twins.

So where would this elevator be?

It doesn't say. Somewhere in Chicago.

Who's the lucky mom?

Name will tell by request.

Not fair.

I don't know what I did to deserve this.

You're asking us that question?

I can't believe you didn't... Oh, great.

Hey, guys, I gotta go.

Yeah, thanks for all your help, Gare. You know, you're being really weird

about this. It's just basic biology.

All right. It's pretty simple.

First, the mother's water breaks.

Well, actually, it's not water. It's amniotic fluid from inside the uterus.

Then the contraction begins.

She pushes.

You help receive the baby. You cut the umbilical cord and wash out the

placenta. And then you... Stop it!

This isn't biology. This is poltergeist.

You know, Chuck, you can't run from fate.

Sooner or later, it's going to catch up.

Maybe I can't run, but I can hide.

In my apartment, under my bed, 35 floors up.

Barring the woman rappelling down my chimney, I ought to be all right.

I'll see you later. I'm getting out of here.

You're telling me.

Wipe back the lami again.

Keep telling her. Salad. Green.

No, no. I mean the hole.

What about it?

It's in the wrong place.

It's got to be hidden.

Hey, it's right there.

Hey, make a wish.

You didn't move it, did you? What? The hole.

No.

Wait. Look, I'm telling you. You got the wrong...

Not again.

Buddy, something wrong?

Hang on, I'll be right back!

Keep grilling.

Okay.

Walk Tom.

Don't panic. Stay calm.

You can do this. No problem.

Where is she?

Who? The woman you were just talking to.

She went out the back.

You know who she is?

Who?

The woman we were just talking about.

Sir, I really can't give out that kind of information. I mean, does she live

around here? Does she come in here often? Is she married?

Sir, don't you have anything better to do?

No, I don't have anything better to... Oh, God.

Dr.

Handelman, there's a Dr. Schweitzer here to see you.

Hi. Have you ever delivered a baby?

Sure.

On a train or in an elevator with things flying around and wind blowing?

No, but I guess that I could.

Good.

Do you mind if I stay here for a while?

Good morning.

What's so good about it?

Did it rain or something?

No. Oh, by the way, you have a visitor.

Where? In your room.

I let her in.

She said she was your wife.

Right.

Ah.

You gotta be joking, right?

No. She came to your hotel room? Why?

I'm not sure exactly.

Well, what did she say? She said she wanted to talk. She said... I've been

thinking... About?

About us.

Us? You've been thinking about us as in yesterday at the lawyer's office? Us?

I don't know. You seem different.

More involved.

But, Marcia, I think... Is there someone new in your life?

And you said... I think you should go.

I know this sounds crazy, but if you want, we could have dinner.

You know, sometime.

Well, you know, I... How about tonight?

Huh? And you said... I told her I'd think about it. Oh, brother. Well, what

am I supposed to do? She's my wife.

My ex-wife.

For the moment, anyway.

I'm telling you, this thing's driving me crazy.

I mean, I got the paper, I got Marcia.

You know, I keep... I just keep getting distracted.

How's Chuck?

Last I saw him, fine.

Yeah.

This ought to be safe.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

So, how'd it go downtown?

What? The water main break?

Did you stop it?

Not exactly.

Distracted again, huh?

Well, let's just say that I'm lucky it wasn't something more serious.

Oh, boy.

This wasn't here before.

Amy, listen.

Anything, Chuck?

Do you really think this is a good idea? I mean, here in your office? I can't put

my appointment.

What about your secretary? I sent her home.

Oh, no.

Well, what if something happens like... Do you remember that night, Chuck?

Yeah, yeah, but what if there's an emergency?

Do you want me to get you a drink?

Don't you have to be here? I mean, what if you're not ready and they walk in and

then... I'm ready.

No, that's not what I mean.

You were amazing.

Amy, listen. Amy, I... I was?

Mm-hmm.

Listen, I'm going to deliver a baby.

Fine with me.

Chuck? See you later. Oh, Chucky?

Chucky! Hey!

Him again.

Turn that thing off. What thing?

The pump.

What? He wants you to turn the thing off.

What thing? The pump. Why?

Why? Because you're going to black out half the city.

Because you're going to black out half the city.

Hold. Thank you, Johnson.

No. Take the elevator.

No.

Hold it.

Press 35, please.

Thank you.

How you doing?

Oh, a lot of laundry.

Laundry day, huh?

This is the last time I'm telling you this is serious.

So what are you, some kind of electrician or something?

Wait a minute, I got it.

Whatchamacallit.

Clairvoyant, right? Like on TV.

Or that guy, Gene Dixon.

No, no, I'm Superman.

The difference being Superman had a license. job and a girl

Popular floor.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

So, when do you do?

Excuse me?

You look like you're ready to go.

Any second.

I tell you what.

Why don't I give you the date that I conceived and you and I can do the math

together?

Unbelievable.

Hey! How come this pump's not running?

Uh, I... I told him to turn it off.

Oh, you did, did you?

And whose authority?

Superman.

There's two people on it.

What did you do?

Me? Nothing.

Still just the two of us, right?

Oh, okay.

Now let's get this baby moving again.

Oh, no, no, no. Not your baby. This baby. The elevator.

Now... I'm probably pretty good at this.

It's stuck.

Yeah. Well, no problem. I mean, these kinds of things happen all the time.

You okay?

I'm fine. I mean, okay. Here we are. We're trapped in the elevator.

No reason for anyone to panic.

What was that?

What? That noise. I burped. Oh, well, that's okay.

I mean, I just thought you're still okay.

I mean, nothing's like leaking. Would you do me a favor?

Sure. Would you sit down and shut up? You're a strange man, and you're making

me nervous.

Okay, everyone be patient. The rescue squad's tied up at the handcuffs.

Keep those people back. Excuse me, officer.

I have a friend that lives in this building. Is there something wrong?

Elevator's stuck, 28th floor.

Are there people on it? You bet.

Do you know who they are?

Not by name, but I can tell you this. One of them's pregnant. One of them's

scared.

What's going on?

Not much. Take it in.

Where is everybody?

That's the funny thing about bars.

No food, no TV, no lights. People tend not to hang around.

Well, how bad is it? Half the city's blacked out.

Rumor is some jackass downtown put the plug in the wrong socket.

That's not true.

What?

You got something to drink?

Your choice.

Water or melted ice.

Did you ever have a bad day, Mike?

What do you call this?

No, I mean one of those bad days, a really bad day where everything goes

wrong. You mean like the day I got married?

First of all, it rained.

Buckets. Then the hors d'oeuvres turned brown.

Then the mother-in-law breaks her tooth on a wedding cake.

I should have known right then.

Yeah.

Maybe it'd all be worth it if there was someone to come home to, huh?

Someone to care about.

What?

Fountain?

McGinty. Hey, he's right here.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Maritza. Says to come quick. Your pal Fishman's in trouble.

Something about cutting open a frog?

Hello?

Hello, anyone there?

I'll give you a buck to answer.

Okay, make it 50.

This is the building, Super.

It's the building, Super.

I'm sure I'm thrilled.

Hello?

We're working on getting you down.

Good. When?

Well, we don't know.

Maybe an hour. An hour.

Hang on.

When did you say you were due?

A month.

An hour is too long.

Can't you just pry the doors open?

No good.

You're stuck between floors.

That's okay. We'll take that chance.

Forget it. Bad idea.

Hang on.

That was a burp again, wasn't it?

I heard burp.

I'm going to have the baby.

Uh, Houston, we have a problem.

Marissa?

Hey, I'm glad you're here. What's happening?

The elevator, huh? In the elevator. And there's no power. No, I haven't heard

anything.

What are you doing now?

One, two, three.

I'm having contractions. I hope you're proud of yourself.

One, two. Oh, my God.

Try counting backwards. Maybe it'll reverse the process.

You're really a train wreck, you know that?

Not my fault.

I didn't want to open up that thing. I'm wrong!

Gare,

is that you?

Gare, you gotta help me.

Someone's in a lot of trouble.

All right, now listen. What's her name?

Not her. Me.

One, two, three.

Come here.

Chuck. Come here.

Hang on.

One, two, three.

One, two.

Closer.

Bottom line, if you make this any more difficult, when this is over, I will

hunt you down.

Isn't that clear?

Getting serious, pal. All right, now listen. Keep your head. You can do this.

No, I can't. Yes, you can.

No, I can't. Yes, you can. You've got to. Listen.

You're the only one there is.

You're it.

You're the guy in the elevator.

Sometimes that's all the hero is, Chuck. The guy who's there.

All right?

Chuck?

Chuck? Chuck?

Chuck?

What is that?

It's not brake fluid.

Chuck?

Chuck?

Chuck?

Chuck?

Chuck,

you all right?

How is he?

You wake him up and I kill you both.

Is

the

elevator fixed yet?

No, the paramedics are on the way. What are they going to do, haul me out on a

winch?

Look, maybe we can call your doctor. Sailing in the Caribbean.

Well, maybe there's something else... Oh, look!

Mister.

It's you and me.

Are you going to pass out too, or are you going to help?

Because I've got to bring two kids into the world.

Are you with me or not?

Okay.

Where's the mother?

What, there?

Come on, you're doing fine. Just keep pushing.

I can't.

Yes, you can. You're doing fine.

Just keep... Come on.

Come on, keep pushing. You're doing great.

Keep pushing.

You're doing fine. Keep pushing.

Come on.

Wait, I think I see something.

I think it's the head.

Come on, keep pushing. Gary?

Keep pushing. Come on. Gary?

Come on, I can see the head. Keep pushing now.

Come on, keep pushing. One more.

One more push. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, one more time.

You got a baby boy.

You got a boy.

You got yourself a baby boy here.

He's proud, isn't he?

You got a little mom, buddy.

Congratulations.

We're not done yet. Oh!

Gary?

We're having twins up here.

Power's back on. They're coming back down.

Chuck, wake up.

Come on, wake up.

Here.

Start dropping them now.

Chuck, here they come. Ready or not.

Go see Uncle Charles.

to repeat sometimes things work out sometimes they don't whether or not

you've got a crystal ball life is a search for answers and everybody's

looking all at the same time in the same general place which is

probably why we keep tripping over each other

Excuse me.

I'd love to meet someone here at 12 after 5. Well, in that case, you're

early.

Well, that's it. Oh, I wouldn't pay no attention to that.

Box is 12 after 5 all day long.

It's been busted for a while.

I've got to admit, it's confusing.

Somebody ought to fix it.

Roger. I can't make it for dinner tonight.

No, no, not tomorrow night either.

It's a miracle, fellas.

I'm telling you, there's nothing like it.

Being there at the outset, holding life in these hands. I bet one of them wins

the Nobel Prize.

So, who's buying anyway?

So, here's to life.

The ups, the downs.

Twists, the turns, the whole mixed up, unpredictable mess of it.

Just remember to keep your spirits up and your eyes wide open.

And remember, there's always tomorrow.