Original subtitles

Thanks for coming so quickly.

I just wanted to have a bit of a talk about the campaign.

I've been looking over the books, and we've got a bit of a funding crisis.

What? How much have we got left?

None. I mean, I've been doing my best to get donations from local grandies, but,

you know, you have to take them out for nice dinners.

I mean, I've had some amazing culinary experiences.

But it's very expensive, you know, and it's utterly inescapable.

Oh!

Hi! Lorna.

Oh, hi. How are you? Wow.

Lorna. No way.

No way.

Marcus Costello.

Ken, this is Marcus.

We went out briefly in college.

Yeah, we did.

Lorna was always the one that got away.

Oh, gee.

She's still away.

So, how are you? What have you been up to?

Well, you probably already know this, but...

I got involved in health foods.

No. Well, I did.

Yeah, I started a chain of vegan stores.

Great Green Grains.

Yep, yep, I heard of them. Well, I sold that for loads, by the way, and now I

invest in charities and good causes.

You might have seen me on telly.

No.

Really? No, not once. No, never, never. No.

Anyway, that's the story.

Very rich on telly. Oh.

What's yours?

Yeah, this is my other half, Ken, and... Is he rich and on telly? Sorry, got to

go. Just kidding.

OK, I'm just going to interrupt there.

To invite Marcus to dinner at yours on Wednesday.

Sorry, what's this? Great, love to.

Lorna, it'd be great to catch up.

Lorna.

What did you just do?

Um, it's your campaign.

Marcus has got loads of money. You've got no money because somebody ate all

the money in the nice dinner.

Yes, that was you.

Anyway, I think it'd be amazing for you to cook a lovely supper for your wife's

rich ex-boyfriend. It'd be exciting.

Oh, hi.

Well, at least I'll get a nice meal out of that, I suppose.

I'll give that lamb kofta.

He's a baker.

Things I do for campaign funding.

Making tofu cacciatore.

I don't know how people do it. No, no delicious steak for me, please. I would

prefer wet, taste-free Chinese blancmange. I can't believe we have to

have Marcus Costello round.

He's gazing at me like I'm the brummie Mona Lisa.

Oh, where are you going?

Hot brunch date.

Local businessman.

Barely scrapes ten million.

But... My visa's up at the end of the month, and I have to be realistic.

Ivy, ready to roll?

Oh, hi, Steve.

Nice outfit.

It's cool, isn't it? Ivy chose it for me. Very retro, very... Hey, Steve, when

you go for a drive in your new outfit, does my sister by chance just sit in the

back and not speak to you?

Yeah. Good guessing, Ken. Very, very good guessing.

Isn't he the most perfect, chivalrous English gentleman?

Lady.

What? Wish me luck, everyone. I will be married by the end of the... Oh.

He cancelled.

No.

What a shame.

Real shame.

Well, I'm sure he'll rearrange.

Oh, come on, Miss Tigglytop. It's a beautiful day.

Let's go outside and get some sunshine.

Where are you going?

No, because my throne is in your freezer.

In my freezer? Why aren't they in your freezer?

Mine got buffed about a month ago. I mistook it for an armed invader whilst

drunk.

Did quite a lot of damage.

I'm in the friend zone, Ken.

I'm just hanging in there.

What's wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you, Steve.

You're one of Jim Henson's most realistic creations.

With her by my side, there is nothing I couldn't achieve.

Right. I'm going to have my lunch in the garden.

I did it. I just left Ben. I thought it was over.

Oh, you'd better come in then.

Oh, jeez, what a relief.

Yeah, it must be.

How is Ben? Is he okay?

Oh, I've never seen him like that.

He kicked over a Subutio table. Whoa.

Oh, God.

Tash. I feel so guilty.

But it's for the best.

Totally. Yeah.

I got out of this house and I was feeling so brave, you know. So I got on

the phone and I told my parents. Wow.

So what? You did what?

There's no point living in fear, Rach.

You're me now.

So? When are you coming out?

Coming out?

Sorry, Tasha, I'm never sure I ever felt really in.

Sexuality, it's a fluid thing, isn't it?

It's like, anyway, weren't we just going to keep it to ourselves for a while, you

know, just for Ben's sake?

Mm.

I thought like a week.

Right. Yeah, no, I was thinking more like, I don't know, three years.

Shit, that's Ben's car.

Hide. We should tell him now. No, freaking wait.

Get onto the duvet.

Give me that.

Give me that.

Great,

that's gone.

Poor baby.

Ken, you monster.

What have you done? What have I done?

Oh, dear Lord.

Did she eat any of this?

What? Ken, how could you?

It's got gluten.

You monster.

Is the fat really necessary?

Oh, sorry.

We'll be at the vet very soon.

Yeah. I know.

My brother is a horrible person.

Just say your mantras and stay balanced.

Have a little tinkle on the upholstery if it feels good. He won't mind.

I'll mind.

I'll mind.

I just never saw it coming.

One minute we're watching Aston Villa's 100 Greatest Girls, and the next...

She's saying our relationship is uninspiring.

I mean, explain that.

So out of the blue.

Literally, for all of us, no-one could have known.

I just haven't felt this bad since you cheated on me with Dale.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

Thank you for

paying for the bed.

So what is the point of free health care that's only for humans?

Yeah. My pleasure, though. Well, apparently the vet's going to have to

put a camera up her backside.

I know.

And he asked me if it was okay if he gave her local anesthetic. So I asked

him, would she feel any pain?

Yeah. And he was like, some.

And again, I just don't want her to feel any pain.

So, I say to him, put her to sleep.

And he's all like, she doesn't need to be put to sleep.

And I'm like, my dog is in pain.

Put her to sleep.

And he was like, what if you change your mind?

And I was like, why would I change my mind?

Okay, I'm sorry, Ivy. Did you tell them how to put Miss Tigglytops to sleep?

Yes.

Otherwise, she is going to witness a probe going up her butthole. I mean, how

inhumane is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but were those the words you used, put her

to sleep?

Yes, and I had to say it many times.

Miss Tigglytops was a dog, and some might say not human.

But if you bring a dog, does she not bleed?

If you forget to feed her, does she not starve?

So all these things that make us human, emotions, friendship, love, a vigorous

exercise, biscuits.

Miss Tigglytops had all these and more.

So I say to the naysayers, loud and clear, not human.

She was the best man among us.

Oh, Danny.

The pipes, the pipes are cooling.

Ken, what am I doing?

My husband's abandoned me.

I'm living in this backwater, far-flung civilization without any money, and now

I have killed my best friend.

Yeah, that is quite depressing when you put it like that.

Miss Tilly Tops was all I had left.

Oh, I know. She could be hypercritical, pompous, stuck in her ideas.

I mean, I never really saw that side of her. You're being kind.

She was the only one to ever show me any real affection.

My only family.

Hey, now we're your family too.

Okay, so you hold some deranged views like mad, but we're here for you.

That's so kind.

But it doesn't really make any difference, does it?

Who am I kidding with this visa situation?

I'm never going to find an Englishman to marry me.

Well, you say that.

I mean, there is someone who might be persuaded.

Oh, God.

There has got to be a better way.

Mum, how long do you think you need to wait before you move on?

Oh, Rach.

God knows, love.

I had my heart broken back at uni.

I told myself I was over it, and that's how I ended up with tomorrow's dinner

guest, Marcus Twatface Costello. Oh, God.

It didn't end well, then? No.

No. I woke up one morning and I just thought, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This guy is not my type. Too smooth.

I like my men.

Cracky. I can see that.

Looking back, I think I just went for something completely different.

Like, if I ran in the opposite direction, I wouldn't get hurt.

Stupid, of course.

Yeah.

Stupid.

Yeah.

So stupid.

Really super stupid.

Well.

Quite stupid.

This is proper stupid.

Oh, stupid, stupid, stupid.

Right, yeah.

Thanks for that.

Stupid.

Steve?

You have to stop coming round in the middle of the night. What are you doing

in the freezer?

Donna.

Mine's still out of action, so... Night, Lorna.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Night, Steve.

She was so young.

And the tragedy is, if this had happened two months ago, she could have been

preserved. How do you mean preserved? By the Middlefork Foundation.

We had cryogenic facilities to store her until scientists cured dog death.

And now there is no hope of us ever being reunited in another century.

You want to come through, Rach?

Cooking my arse off for some rich vegan who's got the hots for your mum. Yeah.

Mum,

is that what you're wearing?

Oldest, tattiest thing I could find.

I don't want Marcus getting any ideas.

Look, all we need to do is just be pleasant for an evening, and then right

at the end, I have to go out for money.

Oh, that'll be...

Hey, Cash. Hey, Cash.

Ben not wicked tonight.

Oh, I split up with Ben.

Oh, really?

Oh, poor Ben. What happened?

All right, Mum.

Bloody hell, don't give the third degree.

It's pretty raw.

Come on, matey.

Let's go to my room.

Look at Facebook.

Matey. Did you just tell them?

Yeah. Didn't we talk about this?

It's about keeping it on the down life. Yeah, I was thinking that you're wrong.

Let's just do it.

I love Rachel Thompson!

Sorry,

but... You love me.

Well, obviously we love each other.

So many things I heard, like living together.

Maybe in Berlin.

Kids. You know, I'd be happy to adopt a refugee baby with you. Okay, stop.

Tash. Tash, sorry.

This is all just going really fast. I mean, it's just ideas.

Tash, two weeks ago, we were just friends.

It all just feels like a really big leap.

Rach, there is nothing to be scared about.

All I'm saying is... I don't know what I want.

I'm only just getting over Dale.

Can we not just go back to, you know, being friends?

And then maybe in a couple of months... So you don't love me?

Are you just playing around?

Not deliberately.

Deep breath in.

And remember to balance your chakras, Miss Tickly.

No work.

I need you to come with me.

What?

Now.

Where are we going?

You'll see.

Lorna. Marcus.

So good to see you.

Flowers. Oh.

Wine. Right. And a sugar-free cake.

It has a taste completely different to real cake.

Well, that sounds delicious.

I just think it's important we should stay in shape for ourselves and our

loved ones. Couldn't agree more.

I'll take it.

I'll take the wine.

So,

you remembered.

Remembered what?

The cardi.

You were in our first date together.

It was special for me, too.

Can I use the little boys' room?

Yeah, yeah.

Just...

Ted,

is your campaign really worth this? It's like you're pimping me out.

Calm down.

I'm going to sit you next to Tasha in the meal. We can have sanctum and pie

together. It's going to be fine. I promise you, it's not going to be at all

awkward.

That hollandaise was delicious.

Let me.

Turmeric, cayenne, cashew butter.

Spot on.

Oh, you're good. Isn't it good?

Oh, yeah, really good, yeah. You see, people say to me, they say vegan food

means less tasty.

But actually, your taste buds become more sensitive. This wine, for example.

It's piss.

But it's probably okay for you.

Yeah. No, it is.

For me.

Well, main course?

Are you vegan, Rachel?

Yeah, I'm sort of vegan. You know, I try.

Some days.

That's interesting, Rachel.

So you're sort of pretend vegan, then hanging out with vegans and then flaking

out.

Mm-hm.

Yeah, that's a really good way of putting it, Dad.

Here we are.

Whoa.

Oh, that smells delicious, Dad.

No, no, no, no.

With my Nona's cacciatore, we always try the sauce with the bread first.

Like this.

Fingers crossed.

That is... Wow.

Now I see what you're seeing in Rona.

I didn't at first.

I've never tasted cacciatore like it. Not a single living screaming being

involved.

Bravo. Let me in.

Ben,

what are you doing here?

Filling my destiny, Ken. Where is she? Where is the most amazing girl in the

world? Ben?

Dash, I am not letting you get away. You say you don't want me, but I am not

losing you.

I'm sorry, I'm snotty. Ben, you're not very dignified.

Dash. I may not be the most fashionable man or the best-looking man, but I

am an extremely dependable lawyer.

And I've had a few pints, and suddenly it came to me.

I had to come here. I had to. I had to. I had to. Dad, no.

Dad, please.

Marry me.

Please. Please.

Please.

I'll marry you, Ben.

Really?

You're not playing around.

This is awesome.

Are you serious?

Let's get out of here, eh?

I'm going to put it better myself.

Goodbye,

Ken. Goodbye, Laura.

Bye, Ben. I'm getting bloody married.

Stop.

I'm so, so sorry.

He fought for her.

Oh.

He didn't just let her go like me.

I never deserved you, Lorna. Ken, I have been a

prick. No, no.

Whatever you want for your campaign, I'll write you a check.

Really?

Yeah. That's great.

That's unexpected.

That's so... Is that all right?

Oh, Mr. Charles.

And you must be Miss Mittelfart.

Come in, please. Hi. Thank you. Just wait here.

Steve, what's going on? It's cold in here.

I couldn't bear to see you upset about Miss Tickley-Tops.

So I phoned up these cryogenic guys.

And I got myself a deal.

Oh, you... Cryogenically froze your dog, yes.

But I could only afford the head.

So I kept her in Ken's freezer overnight and brought her here this afternoon.

Oh, Steve, that is so touching. I just wanted you to know how much I care.

I'm here for you, Ivy. You are, aren't you?

My hairy little knight.

Steve. Yes?

Would you consider marrying me?

Yes. Oh, strictly for visa considerations, I'm not attracted to you

in the least. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Well, it doesn't matter. I've got years to turn that around.

But you won't. But I might. Not going to happen.

I hope you won't.

Mr. Chance, there seems to be a slight problem.

Are you sure this is what you wanted us to free?

What is that?

Well, I'm no expert, but it looks like tofu cacciatore.

Let's celebrate.

Why not?

Shall we? Get an open camera.

I can hardly wait.

What a night.

Oh, stop!

Anyone for more vino?

What is it?

Oh, God, I tasted it.

What is this? Some kind of carnival joke?

They make fun of the vegan by serving him the head of a dog. I think, uh...

Lorna. You've changed.

You would never have done this.

Oh, um, the check, though.

Okay.

Ah.