Original subtitles

I can't believe it! I'm married to F. Q. Biggerd, the millionairess.

She's not a millionairess, damn it!

Didn't her mother leave her something?

Wait. It'll come to me.

No, it won't! Will you get off of this?

I told you, she hasn't got any money, goddamn it! Wait a minute...

Listen, kiddo, let me straighten the picture on the wall right now, okay?

If I could've gotten my divorce, you wouldn't be married to anybody.

You'd be behind bars where you belong, you cheap crook.

Now, do yourself a favour and stay away from her.

Nick! Nick!

How is she?

She's still out cold.

Nick! Nick!

What?

Listen, doesn't she have some money in her own right?

Will you get off of this? I told you, it's all in Daddy's hands! Period.

This is purely a love proposition between her and I, goddamnit.

But wait a minute, Nick!

Listen...

You may be saving me from the Mann Act, kiddo,

but I am saving you from the gallows.

Now, when we get to Chicago, if you would prefer me to call the bank

and point out the embezzlement of some $1,500

by their dummo ex-bank teller,

which I have covered at great personal cost...

Come on, Nick, you don't have to make these unpleasant threats.

Do you want to go to jail, or do you want to go to California?

California.

All right.

Good morning.

Did you have a nice ni... night?

I'm sick as a mutt.

God, what a night to remember.

It's all a complete blank.

She, uh, can't drink...

among other things.

Mmph.

Well, I feel great.

Slept like a top, first time on a train.

I feel like a million.

E... excuse me,

have we met?

Yes, dear, you have.

This is your husband, Oscar Sullivan?

Oh, I am sorry. How do you do?

Don't mention it.

I'm not quite myself.

Would you like some eggs, dear?

Please don't say that.

Uh, what does the "F. Q." stand for?

Fredericka Quintessa.

Oh... Fredericka Quintessa Biggerd.

Bigg ard.

- Bee-gard. - "Freddie" is fine.

Oh. Freddie. That's cute.

Oh, please don't eat! Don't eat.

Oh!

- Fredericka Quintessa Biggard. - Just quit throwing your weird thoughts

and your misinterpretations onto the thing.

I wasn't. I was just for a second knocked for a loop.

Because I find it insulting.

No, no, it wasn't.

I'm really very happy for you, Nick.

I think she's a lovely-looking and probably a very nice...

Well, it's not in your best interest to find her too attractive, you know.

- I didn't say "too attractive." - Just keep it in mind!

I mean, from the front, maybe.

To me, not that much from the side.

Now, I don't mean bad, though.

I mean not as alluring as from the front.

She's not as good-looking as your wife, though, do you think?

Huh?

Be right back.

I'd like to say that I think that there's a want of intelligence

in bringing too much notice to ourselves, kiddo, you know?

It just lacks foresight.

I was just gonna play a few games.

'Cause you're the husband and I'm the brother...

Not that it would ever happen,

but we don't want any of these clowns

to have the opportunity to say that we were peculiar in any way.

- In that the husband was always playing cards... - Well, they couldn't say that, Nick...

...while the brother was always under the rose with the sister.

- You get me? - Uh-huh.

- It just doesn't look nice. - Uh-huh.

So try to stay to yourself.

You know how high the percentage of convictions on the Mann Act is, kiddo?

I'll bet you in round figures it's more than for murder, robbery, and rape, all told.

Half of these geepos get snagged by just a simple lack of foresight.

It's dumb.

Dumb stuff.

It's not necessary.

Transporting a woman across a state line for immoral purposes.

Ha! That's a lot of crap.

Where is, uh...

Indisposed.

Oh.

Indisposed.

Is she sick again?

Up in the saddle.

Oh.

The monthly?

Oh, the monthly.

Yeah...

the mousey's bedtime.

The mousey's what?

It's what we call it.

My mother, when I was a kid... Now, this takes me back.

She used to have me run down to buy a "mouse bed," she called 'em.

So's I wouldn't be onto what they were and get embarrassed.

Which, later, I definitely did refuse to do it.

But then she'd say,

"Run down and get me a box of little mouse beds, honeybug."

Mouse beds?

Yeah, in the funny strips, you know. You've seen it.

The little mouse in his red coveralls

and his little hole in the wall

with a lot of little mousey furniture.

And, uh, even a little bitty radio set

the size of your fingernail, see?

And a mousey little bed that he sleeps in.

You've seen it.

And she pointed this out to me, "Looky there, Osco,

"at the cute little creep mousey in his mousey, mousey bed.

"Go down to Fatool's and get your mud a big box

"for the little mousey to lay his head."

You didn't wonder what the hell she was doing

with all these mice beds?

No.

Because women are afraid of mice.

You know that, don't you?

No, I didn't wonder.

I'd have been curious.

Mouse beds.

I gotta tell Freddie that one.

Momsie.

Oh, he was absolutely hideous to me. I could cry.

Oh, now, now.

- He cursed me! - Oh, God, that's... that's awful.

He said I was a profound disappointment

and a cheap wanton, and I don't know what else.

You didn't tell him where we're going.

He said I begrimed his name.

Aw, what a...

He wouldn't listen to a word I said.

He said as far as he was concerned, I no longer exist,

and that he's going to cut me out of his life

as if I was some kind of unwanted wart or something.

Oh, God, what kind of a daddy is that?

That's that. The worst is over, Momsie.

We just don't want to give it another thought.

Shouldn't exist.

You know, a mean man and a man of means

often means the same.

Oh, well. Boo to him, then. What do I care, kiddies?

I may have lost one man, but I've fallen heiress to two.

- That's right. - You're right.

Goodbye, blues.

These things are nothing but death traps.

Isn't this exhilarating, sweetie?

I've always wanted to do this!

I just know you're going to love it!

This is something right out of Buck Rogers,

isn't it?

I feel like old Lindy!

Like a bird!

How are you enjoying yourself?!

Uh...

I've been reading up quite a bit about flying, you know,

in an aerodynamics booklet!

I don't know the first thing about it!

Well, you know, the great pressure of going 90 miles per

forces the wind...

Hey!

Oh, excuse me!

The lemon is for air sickness, sir!

What does it do?!

You suck on it!

Ah...

Los Angeles in five minutes. Los Angeles in five minutes.

- Ahh. - Ooh!

Ahhhh!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

- Ahhh! - Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhh!

Just ignore him!

Uh... uh... uh...

...hang onto up there? Where were you?

Thank you. Excuse me.

Oscar Sullivan.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hmm?

What is this?

A guy walks a wing

and supposedly his friends say nothing about it?

No one's impressed. No one's impressed, jackass!

Oh, sweetie... ow!

Goddamn it! I knew we should've assumed some names.

You ever hear of Ormer Locklear?

I asked you and I asked you, but no, no!

You want to cause the whole thing to fizzle up in our faces!

You want to put us all into striped suits!

I don't agree.

Ha ha! That's rich! That's rich!

Did you ever once stop and think

what a mess you'd have put me into if you'd fallen off?

If I thought I was gonna fall off,

I wouldn't have done it, stumpo. I was optimistic I wouldn't.

And I'll tell you why I did it if you're so interested.

- Put my goddamn neck at risk, and Freddie's. - Ow!

We'd be out here, across I don't know how many state lines, without a husband.

And you drawing unnecessary attention to us

by falling off a plane and getting squashed to death!

Come on, come on. Will you hurry up?!

You want to know why I did it or not?

I know why you did it! I know why you did it!

I could drop my pants and do the same!

What about me? I'd like to know why.

Okay, okay. Tell me in the taxi.

It's private.

Why?

All this whole trip you've been more or less ignoring me.

- Oh, baloney. - Yeah, you have.

I've been mostly placed in a position

of being left alone like a fifth wheel

and not being made to feel like I'm included.

Well, I just got married. Do you mind?

Hey, I just got married.

- Wait a minute... - No, this is no fun

and I'm not planning on putting up with it.

Oh. Okay, Oscar, okay.

Uh, I'm sorry.

What can I say? Except that I'm...

I'm glad that you brought it to my attention. I really am.

Well, yeah.

So you should pay some attention to the fact, you know, that, after all,

I'm here too.

Well, I want to hear from you now, kiddo.

What do you think? You like the place? Hmm?

Really nice, huh?

Well...

I don't know, Nick.

It's not much like the picture you painted.

Well, maybe we can do a little better when we both have a job.

Frankly, this is close to what I can afford

for three people at present.

- What do you think, honey? - Huh?

What do I think? I think, uh...

Well, I love it. I think it's adorable.

I think it's a dream.

You do?

Well, why, if you like it that much,

why, then, why don't we just go ahead and take it, huh?

Ooh!

What do you think, Nick?

Uh, this is Mr and Mrs Oscar Dix, here,

and I'm, uh, Mr Wilson. I'm Mrs Dix's brother.

How do you do?

And may I ask who is to be the responsible party?

I... I, uh, will be the responsible party.

All right.

As the responsible party, Mr Wilson, a few things...

We can have no cats, dogs, children, picture people,

drinking, noisy gatherings, or raucous behaving of any kind.

Now, over here...

Ha ha.

How 'bout it today, kiddo?

Are we gonna come up with a situation for you or not?

Well, I'm trying, you know.

If you think I'm not, I'm out there every day.

All day wearing down my shoes.

It's rough.

So you've been saying.

Well, I surely don't want to press you, but it strikes me just a little bit unfair

that, uh, I'm carrying the whole load here

while you lie around like a...

I'm not lying around.

I haven't gotten entirely up yet.

Look, kiddo...

I'm trying my damnedest

to get Beatrice to come up with this divorce thing, okay?

Now, what if it's gonna take another couple of months?

This is the point. Are you just gonna let me foot all the bills?

Well, I've reached the decision, Nick,

that I didn't come all the way out here

just to repeat my old life.

Oh. Uh-huh.

Now, what do you think I oughta do?

Be calling up Freddie every hour on the telephone

and see if you're out doing your part?

Now, wouldn't that be a sorry thing?

Hey, Nick!

You didn't leave me any money for carfare or lunch!

Good morning, Oscar.

Morning.

So glad someone's still here.

Well...

I haven't completely got going yet.

So godawful to wake up, find yourself all alone...

I just hate it. It's my least favourite thing.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You know what I usually do?

After I listen to the damn birds,

tweet tweet. God, bedlam!

This is what I do every morning.

Four...

five...

six...

It's for the waist.

Well, you have a very nice figure to begin with.

I've been trying to do a back bend.

Oh.

Well, I could show you how to do that.

You could?!

Oh. Well, let's do that some time.

And to pick up a hankie with your teeth.

Oh, I'd love that.

I'd just love to surprise Nicky one night

by just sort of casually leaning over

and picking something up,

and never mention a word about it.

Ha! Wouldn't he go wild?

Oh, you know what?

What?

Nicky's getting me a Victrola.

Oh.

And a typewriter.

Too bad we can't have a puppy dog here.

Tear-stained cheeks.

Oh, do you want a little doggy?

Well, something.

What's your birthday come on?

My birthday? Why do you want to know about my birthday?

Well, you never can tell.

Somebody might just want to surprise you

with a little doggy on your birthday.

Oh, Lord. That's very soon now.

Where do I plan to be on my way to then,

for heaven's sakes?

To Europe with my sweetie.

Oh.

He can afford to go to Europe?

Well, well, well.

Well, maybe we can and maybe we can't.

The main thing is to get this divorce thing out of the way.

I'd better go get dressed.

Excuse me.

Hey, baby. Chickie.

All right, that's enough.

Put that thing away.

It's so little. It just breaks me to pieces.

I'm gonna break it to pieces and put it in the garbage.

Look at it with me, sweetie.

No, I will not look at it!

Just for one second.

Boy, this character will go to any extremes to get attention.

Well, I tell ya, he better get himself a job this week or that's it.

No ifs, ands, or buts, I mean it.

Let him play the big gift-giver with his own money,

the little Bolshevik.

Honey, just look at this little baby thing.

I'm gonna throw it out the window.

I think it thinks I'm its mother.

Ohhh.

You ever hear the moral about the little monkey

that had the bad habit of copying every damn thing he saw?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one.

You ever heard of Chicken Little?

Well, I refer to it apropos of that little cream-catcher

on your lip.

What, this?

That's right. The monkey-do moustache.

Are you trying to be suave?

If you think I'm trying to copy you, you're bent.

Ha ha. No? Who had it first?

Were you born with a moustache or something? A lot of people have...

Oh, kiddos, please!

Are we gonna have a good time or not?

I know. Let's all sing something.

Let's sing, um...

I mean this exact style?

Hey, I've run into a dozen people out here that have this exact style.

- Who? - Oh, you name 'em!

Gilbert, for instance. Navarro.

Navarro who?

Ramon. John Gilbert I'm speaking of.

Give me John Gilbert.

These are your friends now, huh?

I didn't say anything about friends, did I?

I was referring to their mustaches.

As long as you're moving in these circles, kiddo...

Hey, wait a minute! I didn't say...

Maybe you can quit nickel-and-diming me to death!

- What do you want me to do? - Shut up, Freddie.

- You want me to be night clerk at some hotel rat-cheese? - Please drop me off at the corner.

How about night and day clerk at the YMCA,

which is right where you're headed for, you little leech.

- "Shut up, Freddie"? - Gimme that, you porker!

Hey, don't touch...

Ow! Ouch!

You watch it!

I'll push your goddamn nose in it.

Oh, I'm happy to hear it, Nicky!

- God! Let me out! - I'm happy to hear it!

- Let me out of here! - You know why?

Let me out! No one pays any attention to my feelings!

Momsie! Momsie!

I am bored to insanity with these rows!

I want to call my daddy on the telephone!

Get back in the car, dear.

Go on your stinking picnic.

- Freddie, did you hear me? - No, I said.

I'm gonna stay here until someone nice comes along,

you damn poo-poo faces!

Freddie, you don't mean that.

Ha! Love has turned to hate!

It's all right now, honey, come on.

I can't stand being with the two of you!

Because Oscar isn't going with us.

God, you nearly scared the pants off me.

I brought you this food for your little chickie.

Oh. Thank you.

Don't you look like a little Kewpie doll?

One time, I... I dressed up in my brother's clothes,

very late at night after everyone was asleep

and I went promenading around the streets,

devil-may-care, you know, with my hands in my pockets.

Of course, there wasn't a soul around to see me.

Chickie.

They would've packed me off to an alienist.

But... oh, I did feel like a real individual.

Sit on my lap, you cutie.

No, I'm not going to sit on your lap.

What for?

Sit on my lap.

Are you going to start anything... funny if I do?

I won't try anything funny that you don't want me to.

Can you give me a piece of candy?

'Cause we're not going to be naughty. But in the... no, I really don't want to.

Come on...

What's this foible you got about just sitting on a guy's lap?

Fraidy-cat.

Applesauce! Keep your hands to yourself,

I'll sit in your lap till the cows come home.

My hands are to myself.

Okay.

I'm sitting on your lap.

See?

- So what? - My hands are to myself.

Chickie...

Oh, I love my little chickie.

Chickie! Peep, peep.

- Who gave it to ya? - Chickie...

- Hmm? - Chickie...

Chickie...

Never even got a kiss for it.

You did so.

- Give me a little kiss. - There you go.

Give me a little kiss.

I'll just give you a little peck on the cheek.

Oh!

Oh...

Oh!

What am I doing?

No, I refuse to. Let's stop, please.

Mm-mmm.

No. No. Wait, we can't. Please. Fins!

Fins!

I refuse to be unfaithful to Nicky! Fins!

Oh!

God, I must be out of my mind!

Who's the actual one being cheated upon,

if the truth be told,

according to the state of New York,

not to mention the eyes of God?

No one has to be the wiser.

Ah! Ah!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ow!

Wait, wait, your leg's in the wrong place.

Ah, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my...

Oh, my! Oh, my, oh, my.

Oh, how are you, there, Mrs Gould?

Well, are we practicing the bandito today?

Oh, I don't know, I doubt it.

Yeah.

You really do, you look cute as a bug.

Maybe I am a bug.

Hmm, that's right.

You're Nicky's little bug.

So what hit me like a ton of bricks?

Lunchtime in Providence.

Oh, my...

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

What's this, Freddie?

I don't know.

Your Frenchies?

Not mine, dear.

Oh.

I just now said to myself, "What in the world are you doing?"

What am I doing?

I'm j... I'm just trying to keep the place moist.

No, no, me, Mrs Gould.

I just said to myself, "Hey, where are you going and why?"

I tell ya, I feel like a million bucks!

I think we should keep some things to ourselves.

I am going to keep it to myself. Oh, I tell ya. I just...

Pardon me for saying this, but your fiddle case is open.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh. How ya doin', Nick?

Home for lunch?

Me too.

What's up?

Do I go through your drawers, Nick?

I don't go through your drawers.

It's all over, pal.

You just went a little too far, for my money.

Yeah? What did I do now?

Forget the slosh. There's the evidence.

You tried to force yourself on her.

Force myself? Ha ha.

Force myself.

You wanna know the whole truth? She allured me.

Don't give me that.

I hate to tell you what it led to.

Freddie!

That's a lie.

Sit down, Freddie.

I told you, we just petted a little.

If you wanna believe him instead of me, please do.

Petted, my big toe!

Not in my book!

Freddie, did you do it with this creepo?

Who knows what I did?

Some stupid thing, I don't even know what.

I was faced to the stupid wall.

Well, you're several times more interested in each other than you are in me.

The way I've been treated, you ask me how I feel?

Oh, you dirty, rotten, little snitcher.

Oh, God! I hate all these squabbles.

I tried to stay away from this issue, Nick.

Take my word for it.

You're getting a premature divorce, kiddo.

Now wait a minute. This throws me back.

I want you outta here right away. Get me?

Now wait, because...

Once and for all, goddamn it!

I've come to the decision that I don't want a divorce at all.

I saw in the papers where they sent a very prominent dentist up on the Mann Act.

- Watch yourself, kiddo. - Two years in a slaver's cell.

You happen to see that, Nick?

Who knows, I get thrown out on the streets, I might feel resentful.

Go and write an anonymous note

to some of these here interested parties

and leave you to face the charges.

You crooked little son of a bitch!

You do that, Nick, and I'll come right back at ya.

Boy, you take me for a dumbbell!

There's maybe hundreds of thousands involved here!

- Don't talk to me about divorces! - You're a maniac! Do you know that?

I told you she can't expect a cent!

Not from Daddy, maybe. But don't try and kid me about Mama!

She's got money coming from her mother on her birthday.

Ha ha! You're crazy! You're a dreamer!

Her mother's Quintessa! The Quintessa lady on the box!

You think I'm dumb? I checked up!

I didn't tell him.

Nobody has to tell me anything! It dawned on me right away!

She's the mouse-bed heiress!

All right, so what?

She's divorcing you! You're in line for nothing! Zero!

Oh yeah?!

You think I've been breaking my hump here for nothing, you little bastard?!

You think you're gonna come up with so much as a peanut?

- I'm the husband in the case! ...Zero!

You ever heard of community property?!

I just consummated the whole thing so there's no loopholes!

You take me for a moron?!

I know my rights!

Maybe I want to go to Europe too.

Shoe's on the other damn foot.

I'm getting a funny feeling that money

is all anybody cares about in this room.

Freddie...

That's not true.

The minute I know someone's lying to me,

I stop feeling for them immediately.

Please don't give Nicky any crap now.

You don't love me. I can tell.

- That's right. He doesn't. - Will you shut up?

Face the facts.

Arrrrggghh!

Ahhhhh!

Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhh!

Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

You're trying to kill me! I'm gonna call the police!

I don't care what happens to me!

Do you hear me?!

I'm going to call my daddy on the telephone!

I'm gonna tell him everything you put me through!

And I hope they throw us all in jail!

Go on!

For all you put me through!

You bastards! You sons of bitches! I hate you!

You're never, ever gonna get anything from me!

I'm gonna give it all away first!

I'm gonna give it all away!

I am going to give it all away!

I don't care who gets it!

I'm going to give it all to charity!

You made my life a perfect hell!

I don't care what happens to me!

Let's not go off half-cocked, now, honey.

Don't talk to me!

- Because, Momsie... - You're half-cocked!

- nothing has changed here. You know that. - You liar!

So just calm down and stop behaving hysterically.

Don't talk to me. I'm gonna get on a train!

No, no, no. You just think about who's been deceived here

and how hard it is for me to try and forgive what you...

Balls! Balls! Balls!

So I'm not gonna set foot back inside this house

until you make up your mind to calm down

and come to some sort of decision. Goodbye, dear.

I don't wanna try and influence ya,

but this guy's a potential menace as far as I'm concerned.

You leave me alone! Leave me alone!

The scales have fallen from my eyes.

I don't know what I've done to deserve

such a self-centered pair of bastards!

Now what did I do?!

Please open the door.

Momsie?

I never, you know, had anything in mind

but the object of your complete happiness.

Now, uh, are you gonna accept that or not?

Well, now, yes, the situation has been allowed

to drift a little off the beaten track, honey,

but, uh, Oscar and I have come to a mutual understanding,

and for the, uh, sake of all of our peaces of mind,

uh, from now on, there's gonna be absolutely no problems.

Uh, you understand that, honey?

You think I can be happy when I know how unhappy you've been?

I tell ya...

I've been about as unhappy as a man can be

that this thing has gone sour, dear heart.

Miserable and unhappy.

Tell her me too.

Uh, did you hear me, honey?

Whatever you wanna do, dear.

You just go right ahead with it if it makes you happy.

It's absolutely fine by me.

All right?

So good night, dear.

Good night, d...

Did you hear me, honey?

Now what?

She's gonna give it all away.

A fortune, down the drain.

Boy, oh, boy.

You've ruined my life, that's all.

Know what I actually feel like doing?

I'd like to get ahold a gun and...

just "bang!" like that.

Solve all my problems.

What are you staring at?

You could do that?

You could do that to her?

"To her"? What "to her"?

Uh, I... I can read between the lines, kiddo.

I can read between the lines.

Read between the lines, my foot.

I don't come up with these ideas on my own.

Oh, no?

Oh, no.

I was speaking editorially of myself.

You leaped to conclusion, not me.

Okay, forget it. No one's to blame.

Let's just say it came up accidentally.

Yeah.

Well... uh...

accidents do happen, you know,

where no one's to blame, for that matter.

I'm just talking out loud.

Well, uh, if we're speaking hypothetically,

uh, nothing of an accidental nature could occur until after the birthday.

Of course not, right?

Then, uh, one would have, oh, uh...

some period of grace before, uh, she'd actually, uh...

come into possession.

But, uh, after the birthday, then what the, uh, husband would legally,

you know, be the, uh, whatchamacallit?

Yeah.

Ah, touchy.

You know, Nick, I'd, uh...

Hypothetically...

I'd go absolute halves with ya.

I hope you know that.

You wanna sleep on it?

Well, now, you know, most of your average people

won't know a venomous reptile from a large garden worm.

Oh, no, it, uh, has to be an absolute, authentic

poisonous snake, or, uh, he won't work with it.

You don't say.

These are, more or less, rattlesnake here...

or pit vipers.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Um, what about that one?

That's "Ol' Pete."

He'll run you a buck.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Gimme a buck.

I hope you're sure about their being poisonous

because none of them are making for you.

Heh heh heh heh.

They ain't gonna none of them make for ol' Tom.

They know old Tom will kick the sap out of 'em.

Now, I ain't gonna guarantee ya

you can charm a rattlesnake.

Oh, yeah, sure.

He's done it, oh... I don't know how many times.

Oh, you don't say.

Now, be sure you hold him akimbo from your body.

Now what?

Well, what this famous guy, uh, Casper de Mange, did is,

he put the snake into a canvas bag, I believe,

and then he stuck his wife's foot into it

and he held it there till she got bit.

Well, we can't do that. We can't do that.

She'd know we were doing something.

No, he chloroformed her.

Something like that first and then he...

Well, we can't do that.

The guy was a clown.

We gotta work out someway we can, uh,

maybe go up into the hills

and have it occur in a natural setting.

Maybe, uh, you know, uh...

plan another picnic.

Hmmm. Maybe. Maybe.

I feel a qualm about this snake, kiddo.

You do? What qualm?

Well, let's leave 'em here and take a look in the morning.

Is it all right?

Oh, my!

Ask Nick if you don't believe me.

Well, it's going to improve. That's my goal.

And anyway, I just adore trying various recipes.

Uh, uh, what's this, dear? Uh...

Okra.

In a way, I'm just loving it.

Because it recalls my old dollhouse days

when I was just a little baby girl,

and I used to spend hours pretending to serve tea.

Yeah, well, you're still Nicky's little baby girl, aren't you,

my little mud pie?

Oh, you're so je ne sais quoi. I could just eat you.

It's sticky.

Don't eat it if you don't want to.

Really, if you don't like it, because I'm not that way.

Oh, no, I like it, it's just, uh...

is it supposed to be kind of slithery?

I really don't know.

All right, uh...

I know, uh...

these are, uh, eggs.

I'm so happy.

Isn't this fun, for a change, you have to admit?

Oh, yeah, honey.

I just feel so relieved

now that I've decided what to do with that damn money of mine.

You know, I was trying to recall some of these charities

that my mother was very, very involved with,

because I know she would be so pleased

that I would put it to that use.

Uh-huh.

You want some more of anything?

Uh, what else you got?

Oh, I made a dessert!

Ah...

for breakfast.

Ahh.

Oh, damn, it didn't set.

What is it?

Uh, eh, tea?

Oh, go jump in the lake.

Oh, well, what is it then, dear?

I don't care to be the butt of your amusement, Nicky.

Oh, I give up.

Just keep asking yourself, "Then where will I be?"

"Then where will I be?"

Keep asking yourself.

I don't care.

I don't give a damn where I'm gonna be.

I just... it's not in me, this sort of thing,

it's just not in me.

It's all over.

One of the first principles of applying "mindism"

is to never let negative feelings block the path to your goal.

Otherwise, you are always sinking back into discouragement.

Oh, leave me alone.

What I do is, I envision my goal.

I put myself into a trance and then I go to sleep.

Now this is the technique, which is what I'm using here,

to where I have come up with a foolproof plan

that we haven't even come up with yet, or even thought of.

Now what could that be?

What?

Suicide.

I have thought of that.

I've thought of it.

Then you follow my thinking.

The rent, dear!

Thank you.

Now, uh, dear, I gotta confess

to any of these disturbances you've been hearing lately.

I thought I'd better tell you that my sister and my brother-in-law

haven't been hitting it off and, uh...

the truth is they've been having some pretty bad rows.

My, oh, my, that's what I was afraid of.

Yes, yes, they have,

and, uh, it's been going on for some time

to the tragic result that, uh,

he's moving out of the house on her

and he's gonna take up residence in a hotel.

Well... I didn't want to say, but just not so long back now,

I heard her screaming like a stuck pig.

and then, what to my chagrin do I see,

but Mr Dix leaping out the window like Bandit Bill

without so much as a fare-thee-well.

Yeah, this has been going on and...

I... I'm very concerned for her here, naturally,

because she's... she's so overly emotional that...

Well, anyway, maybe she won't go to that extreme, but...

I don't know why,

in such a glorious world as we've been provided with,

birds, of sunshine, of beautiful trees and flowers,

and the radio,

why people don't get on any better than they do.

It just makes me sick.

Yeah. Thank you.

Ooh!

Oh, you found more hooch.

You genius!

It's locked.

Bedroom, bedroom.

Come on, come on. Hurry up!

Harry?

Hurry!

Now what? Now what?

Now you are gonna drive me to the hotel.

Yeah, yeah. I didn't say I'd drive you.

Go over and spend the night at the hotel. Go on, hurry up.

You did too say you were gonna drive me.

- Now, how am I gonna get there? - Walk, damn it. Walk!

Go on, get out the back way and don't let anybody see you.

Will you get going? Go!

I forgot how to get there.

I don't even know the name of the street, Nick.

You said that you were gonna drive me.

You get outta here. Go anywhere. Check into another hotel.

Go to the YMCA. It doesn't matter.

My suitcase is at the hotel!

This doesn't sound like a suicide note. It just doesn't sound right.

Burn this, flush it down the toilet,

then get outta here.

Turn off that damn light! I'm asleep!

You're not even supposed to be here!

Ooh!

"Life has lost its meaning. Love, Freddie."

Mr Wilson?

Would you get outta here?! Go on, go on!

Mr Wilson?

Get outta there!

Hello?

Hello? Mr Wilson?

Oh, what's going on here at this time of night?

I found poor Mrs Dix lying out here in the lily pond.

What are you talking about?

She's just soaked to the bone.

Can you imagine?

Thank heavens, something jarred me awake.

I sat bolt up, and what, to my surprise,

as I looked out the door... Oh, now, is that Mr Dix?

Oscar!

Pardon me?

Shh! There are others.

Oh, she must be unhappy to get herself so squiffed

as to come out and fall into the pond.

Well, I'm afraid she did it on purpose, dear.

She did it on purpose.

Well, get her out of those wet things,

or she'll catch her death.

She's soaked through and through.

Did you hear what I said?

The door's locked.

Oh, my goodness. Well, I'll just run and get my keys.

Don't give up.

Get that thing outta here!

Back up!

Hey, come on! Move that thing.

You're right in the middle of the road.

Move it!

Hey, come on! Move it!

Back up, will ya? Back up a little bit.

Back up, you son of a bitch!

Get outta there! Get back!

Oh!

What did you do with the shoes?

- The shoes? Where are the shoes? - They're back there.

Well, go get 'em, damn it.

We gotta put 'em on the side here, where she goes into the water.

- Now go get 'em. - You go get 'em.

I'm always the one.

I gotta rest.

Oscar!

Oscar!

We were supposed to take her out of the trunk, Goddamn it!

Is that gonna look like suicide?

Now, how is that gonna look like suicide?

Oh, God!

My mind went blank!

Get in there and get it back.

I thought I saw somebody, and I got excited.

Get in there and get it back. We gotta get it back.

Boy, oh, boy!

Oh, you jackass, son of a bitch, maniac, bastard.

You shouldn't have put her in the trunk.

I told you, "Don't put her in the trunk."

You goddamn pinhead, you wanted to cause suspicion

carrying a body around in broad day...

You don't think that a trunk causes suspicion?

A trunk is one of the most suspicious things

- that you could possibly think of. - Shut up. Shut up.

No. Hey, you shut up.

I'm not gonna take the blame for every single, little thing.

Oh, God.

I'll tell you, I've seen more trash thrown into that bay...

Well, I... I couldn't tell you.

We don't... we don't know the first thing about it.

People throw more refuse in there you can shake a stick at.

Well, we're just sitting here.

I mind my own business.

I've stood out there and seen toilet seats floating by,

pretty as you please.

I don't doubt it.

Believe me, people ought to be shot.

Now what?

O... okay. Let's get everything clear in our minds.

First, we get back to the house, we get into bed,

then, whatever happens, that's where we've been.

We don't know a thing.

I don't go to the hotel.

She was upset. We were asleep.

How'd she get in the trunk?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, let's put our heads together.

Let's... let's deal with the trunk.

Jesus Christ!

Oh, yes! Yes!

One, it's bound to sink. Trunks don't float forever, damn it.

When it sinks, we can just assume that she'll float out of the trunk

and then, see, it'll just appear as if... How does it sound?

Well, Nick, I don't think...

Oh, I should have left her shoes.

Yeah, but what if...?

No, no, no, no. It's gotta sink, I'm tellin' ya.

Go along with me, eventually it... Trunks don't float, goddamn it.

What if it does, say? What are you gonna say?

What am I gonna say?

- What are we gonna say? - What are we gonna say?

- Tell the truth. - I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

What I'm thinking is, just in case...

I'm thinking we ought to have a plan whereby we leave town.

No, no, no. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

First of all, we get back to the house...

- No hotel? - No, no, no.

Proceed just according to plan.

- We get up. We, uh... find the note. - Uh-huh.

No, we change the note. We change the note.

We get alarmed.

And then I run over to Mrs Gould's.

You call the police.

Oh, God!

You tell 'em the story.

Nah, you tell 'em, Nick. I'm not gonna know what to say.

Just what I've been telling you! Now, pay attention! That's all we know.

Oh, God, Nick, I'm not gonna be able to remember all this.

- Just act shocked and break down. - Yeah.

Just act shocked and break down, that's all.

In other words, I don't go to the hotel.

No, no, no. We just go back to the house, okay?

Back to the house. That's all we know.

That's all I know.

What I'm thinking, though, is just in case, I think we better...

- Okay, let's go back to the beach. - I'm not gonna go back to the beach.

- We should never have left the scene. - Oh, God!

- Oh, no! I could no more go back there... - Don't shrink on me, you bastard!

- Wait a minute! Wait a minute! - That goddamn thing will never sink!

Look what you've got me into, you homicidal maniac!

You son of a bitch! Get out of there!

Son of a...

Where am I?

Long Beach.

I wonder what I did last night.

Nick! Nick!

What time is it?

Uh, I'd...

I'd say, uh...

You know what I'm thinking?

Forget everything I said.

What I'm thinking now is

why don't we just tear this note up,

and, uh, we don't call the police?

We just wait around here for the rest of the day,

and we see what happens.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

See what happens. I agree.

Yeah, yeah. I think so.

We wait... No, no, maybe we wait two days,

and then, uh... if we don't hear anything,

um... then we get alarmed.

We show a natural concern as to her whereabouts,

and, uh... and then we call the police.

Yeah.

Yeah, we then call the police. How does that sound? More natural?

- To me, it's more natural, yeah. - Yeah.

Uh, I'd like to get calm

and, uh, take the time to get my story straight first.

Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. I think so.

We'll wait, so it doesn't look too pat.

I think you should go over to Mrs Gould and ask her

if she's seen Freddie and et cetera,

just to plant the seed.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, what time is it?

I think you should do it now.

We just got up, okay?

- Okay. - Yeah.

We just got up... and if she's seen Freddie.

Yeah.

Nick!

- What? - Police!

The police?

Two policemen!

Well, what do they want?

Uh, maybe they found her.

Oh, God, God! Now what?

Will you shut up?!

W... w... w... what do we do?

Keep quiet, goddamn it!

Remain calm, remain calm.

Follow my lead, whatever I say.

Now, we've been asleep. You're very distraught.

- Mr Wilson? - No, no.

Are you Mr Wilson?

Oh, no, excuse me. I am Mr Wilson.

I didn't quite hear you correctly. I'm Mr Wilson, this is Mr Dix.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

I'm so upset!

What's wrong with him?

- It's his wife. He's really torn up. - I'm sweating like a horse!

They haven't been getting along,

and when we got up this morning, uh...

W... we were asleep, you know.

I was just gonna call you.

We got up this morning, and we found this.

Would you step out here, please?

I just got caught in a web of circumstances!

Do you know anything about that bus?

Oh, yes. I can explain that.

Oscar? Oscar?

Because I actually had feelings for her!

You're getting too distraught, Oscar,

because we can explain the bus.

- The bus wasn't my idea! - He's going off the deep end.

He stole the bus! I just went along!

But it was his idea to put her in the trunk!

Because I didn't know what, at the time, I was doing!

Oscar, I don't know what you're going on about.

- I'm not this kind of person! - Oscar, they just want to know

about the goddamned bus!

- Bus? - Yeah, bus.

It was just in the nature of a practical joke.

Oh, the bus.

Put who in a trunk?

I really should go home sometime

to get some clothes and face the music.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Uh... help think up a story.

You make John forget the time, don't you?

Because they must be beside themselves by now.

The victim was a lovely person.

Small in stature and not, as you might say, physically,

but due to her peppy personality,

she was a good deal of fun to be around.

We were always laughing it up.

And, you know,

I've been wrestling with my conscience

in regards to this $200,000 inheritance,

which now, due to this tragic state of affairs,

I'm not sure if I'm still in line to get it or not.

But if I do, I plan to donate half to charity,

and half to my mother back East.

All right, now, here's the true account

of how this all came about.

Do you want me to put it all in a nutshell?

Oh, I'm having such doubts.

I always like to try and at least present things

in as kind a light as possible.

Because this is the man I loved, after all.

Send him a card.

I just hate to be the cause

of a lot of bad feelings all round.

Write him a note.

After Nick wrote the suicide note,

we then carried the victim out and put her in the pond.

This pond?

Yes.

You tried to drown her in this pond?

Just... "This is to inform you

that certain things have..." uh... that's all.

Have what?

Straight to the point.

Jack, I can't get you in.

Oh, that's swell, Jack.

Oscar, could we have you pointing down at the pool?

Surely.

Everybody look down at the pool.

Fine. Now hold it.

Good. Very, very nice.

Oh, why did they have to go and call the police?

Boohoo.

You know, I don't feel

I should be drawn into a domestic scene here.

Okay, go ahead. Then what?

Then we picked her up and carried her back out here.

She was still alive at the time?

She was still alive at the time. Very much so.

Oh, I forgot the chicken.

Is this the note?

Uh, now, I don't know. Is it?

I don't know anything about any goddamn notes

because I didn't write any notes.

What does it say?

"Dear Nicky, this is to inform you

that things have changed."

- Some suicide note. - Okay, hold it.

We then carried the victim through the kitchen,

and out into the garage.

Who's that?

The victim.

Wait a moment, madam!

We are not about to cause you harm.

Now, wait just a moment.

Why don't you just sit down here and let me talk to you?

I'm Sergeant Power of the second precinct.

I must inform you of a series of somewhat bizarre events

which were confessed to me by the man who is apparently your husband.

Both men were involved.

The gist of it, according to the little guy,

is that, attempting to make it look

like an accidental occurrence,

they went out and purchased a poisonous snake

with the intention of using it to bite you.

For some reason, this failed to transpire...

Oh, no.

I would never believe that in a million years.

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