Original subtitles

My town is probably a lot like yours.

You know, plenty of manicured lawns and Volvos on the outside.

And some very special friends on the inside.

Not to mention the never-ending search for enlightenment.

Businessmen begging for their promotions.

I... I'd kill for it.

Whoo! Yeah!

While the jocks and cool kids

look after those less popular.

It can be quite touching.

Or not... depending on your perspective.

I mean, everyone has their breaking point, right?

Meet mine.

No, I don't think we're dysfunctional.

You don't?

Bunnie: I mean, we have our quirks,

but what family doesn't?

Your family, Mr. Burnett...

Jack... Why don't you call me Jack, Rachel?

Oh.

You can't call her Rachel.

- Why not? - Because she's our therapist.

Here we go.

It's fine. You can call me Rachel.

Absolutely not.

You deserve respect.

Call her "Doctor."

- She's not a doctor. - What?

- How do you know that? - Googled her.

You're not a doctor?

Well, I have my master's, but not my PhD.

No PhD?

- That's just great. - What does it matter?

We're supposed to tell her every intimate detail

about our family life.

Yeah, like how fucked up we are.

- Kelly... - She comes highly recommended.

I assure you I'm very qualified.

Might as well be talking to the plumber.

Why are we even here?

Because your father said

we were on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

- I did not say that. - Yes, you did!

Actually, it was an "emotional breakdown"...

- Shut it. - Shut up.

I bet we're the first family to ever be fired

by their therapist.

♪ I think you're full of it ♪

♪ You're always talking shit ♪

♪ I'm getting closer to losing it losing it ♪

♪ Every dirty look I'll make a picture book ♪

♪ With all the pictures of your stupid face stupid face ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Will be fine ♪

♪ When you ♪

♪ Shut the fuck up you're bringing me down ♪

♪ What the what are you talking about? ♪

- ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪ - ♪ 'Cause you know ♪

♪ I don't really give a damn anymore ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Such a fuck-up you've done it again ♪

♪ What the hell what the hell were you thinking? ♪

♪ I've had enough I don't care ♪

♪ I don't care anymore ♪

♪ I'd like to follow you someday ♪

♪ And when you look the other way ♪

♪ Tie you up tie you up to a hot air balloon ♪

♪ Watch you float watch you float ♪

♪ All the way to the moon ♪

♪ I'll be walking on air that day ♪

♪ 'Cause there's no air in outer spa... ♪

♪ A-a-a-a-a-ace ♪

- ♪ La-la-la ♪ - ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪

- ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ - ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ La-la la-la-la-la ♪♪

Ah.

Nice.

Yeah, good.

Yeah, come on.

Good.

Yeah.

Shit!

Not a chance, Jack.

Nice job.

Damn it.

But, mother, I think we should have the AIDS triathlon

at least two weeks after Bicycling for Breast Cancer.

Be... no... but...

Because everyone's gonna be exhausted.

- Cut your ear again, Dad? - Very observant.

Grandma's not really coming to live with us, is she?

- No. - Uh, yes, she is.

No, I'm back.

Right, what about a marathon for manic depression?

Or, uh, sculling for scoliosis.

Shut up, Jack.

Rollerblading for rectal itch?

Luging for lumbago?

Yes, I know that they're rude.

Good, mm-hmm.

Well, I just can't wait to see you.

Leave this under my pillow again,

and I'll shove it up your ass.

I'm just trying to help.

I don't need your fucking help.

Don't talk to your brother that way.

Is that my blouse?

Yeah, you gave it to me, remember?

Uh, I think it shows a little too much nipple.

Bunnie.

Well, if you want every boy in school

thinking you're a little slut...

- which you may be. - Fine.

- Oh, my God. - Kelly...

There's your blouse back.

She's definitely a little slut.

Kelly: I hate school.

I hate it almost as much as I hate that old bitch.

That's no way to talk about your mother.

I was talking about Grandma.

Oh, well, that's no way to talk about her, either.

Oh, please, you hate her almost as much as I do.

I don't hate her.

You hate her almost as much as...

I do not hate anybody.

God said, "Honor your father and your mother..."

- Shut up, Eric. - Please shut up.

I'm driving.

Honor thy father... get in the back.

Wait, um... what is this for?

Oh... oh, God.

Well, maybe it ought to be 200 a plate, then.

What?!

Pancreatic cancer kills that many?

That's great!

No, let me get right on it.

Yeah, okay, I'll call you later.

What?

Ha! You're so bad.

Okay, bye.

Reminder to self... call Grace,

check pancreatic cancer death rate.

If accurate, up per-plate fee.

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Come here!

Aah!

- Oh, shit. - What?

That doorknob was made in Italy.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I mean, the window I can fix.

But the doorknob...

It's irreplaceable.

Oh, I'm...

Babe, I just... I don't know.

I was just so... into it.

How's it going, Mr. Burnett?

♪ You're tripping every time you take a step ♪

♪ You light the wrong end of your cigarette... ♪

♪ It's love it's love it's love ♪

Mr. Burnett? Mr. Burnett?

Huh?

Your ear is bleeding.

Oh.

Nina.

Is that the best you can do?

What are you... what are... what are you...

Oh, this is gonna be fun, Jack.

Working together?

You mean, we're...

Firing people together.

Um...

Yeah.

That.

Nina? She's back?

I hired her yesterday.

The company's hemorrhaging money, Jack.

You and Nina will stem the flow of blood.

You'll get your raise,

your own secretary.

You're the best boss ever, Mr. Burnett.

Of course, a position like this

comes with a certain amount of responsibility, Jack!

You can definitely count on me, Harv.

Your first priority will be cutting costs.

Fantastic.

Yeah! Ohh!

Good, yeah.

- Yeah! - Ohh!

Oh, I like that.

- Stop! - Oh! Mmm.

- Hammer time. - Ohh.

Yeah.

Oh! Oh!

- Watch your head, baby. - Ohh! Ohh!

Ohh! Yeah!

Ooh! Yeah!

- Let's ring the bell, baby. - No.

No, no, ring my bell.

- Ring the bell, baby. - Don't ring the bell.

Ohh! Ohh!

Ding! Whoo!

Ding!

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Bunnie?

You rushed it.

Sorry, Reverend.

Everything all right?

You know those guys I told you about... Andy and Roy?

Andy Porter... religious club.

I joined.

Excellent.

Shit.

Hey, Jack...

- How is she? - She's, um...

I don't know.

Cops said someone broke into the house.

She might've been raped, for God's sake.

Raped?

Is she conscious?

Mr. Burnett?

Oh, Doctor.

- We've had some complications. - Oh, complications.

She's confused, short-term memory loss.

- Confused, short-term... - Yes.

Short-term memory loss?

Yes, quite a mess, actually.

Bunnie?

Jack?

You remember me.

Oh, of course I remember you, snookie-pie.

You haven't called me that in awhile.

I haven't?

Mmm.

What?

Nothing.

Do you feel up to seeing Eric and Kelly?

Sure.

Who are Eric and Kelly?

She doesn't remember either of us?

She only remembers up until we first got married.

Shouldn't we go in there and at least see her?

What's the point if she doesn't even know who we are?

Maybe you guys should just let her rest.

Yeah, Simon's right.

That's probably the best thing for her now.

I wonder if she can bake again.

Well, you always said

how good her fudge brownies used to be.

If she decides to whip up a batch,

send them over to the church.

You guys were out shooting again, weren't you?

Your boy has a God-given talent, Mr. Burnett.

- What, killing and maiming? - Dad...

Eric, you're weird enough as it is

without being some kind of gun nut to top it off.

- Dad, hey. - Josh, what are you doing here?

How's Mrs. Burnett?

She's got amnesia.

- Amnesia. - That's the good news.

Short-term memory loss.

She should probably get it back soon.

And that's the bad news.

Kelly, you know what? I've just about had it.

I'm fed up to here... I only wanted to be fed up to here.

What's the problem, Dad?

Simon, do you mind taking the kids home?

- Seriously. - I can do it.

Great, why don't you pick off a couple of deer on your way?

- I'll take them. - Thanks, Josh.

Come on.

Your son's very talented, Mr. Burnett.

Yeah.

You should come out and watch him sometime.

I'll pray for your wife.

You do that.

Gun-toting nut job.

I really gotta thank you for coming out.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Oh, hey, man, it's the least I could do.

- It's amazing, right? - What's that?

In a world full of racial bullshit,

here's a black man and a white man,

and, uh, we've just risen above all this crap

to actually be able to call each other "brother."

Uh, you know, I don't mean "brutha,"

like maybe one of those ghetto black guys.

I can say "black guy" to you, I don't have to say...

I understand, I know what you mean.

Yeah, you know... sorry.

- Ah, hell. - It's all right.

I love you, buddy, really, I... really.

Um, I was gonna get a cup of joe, if you want to join me.

You know what? I need to get home.

- Oh, all right. - Yeah, yeah.

Well, I...

I love you, buddy, I do, yeah.

Couldn't ask for a better neighbor.

- All right. - All right.

Right on, I'll holler at you later, then...

My man.

P. A: Paging Dr. Bender, paging Dr. Bender, please.

Hi, Bunnie.

How are you feeling?

Good.

How are you?

Me? I'm... I'm fine.

It's nice to see you again.

You don't have any idea who I am, do you?

Mm-mm.

Hold on.

What about now?

Not a clue, sorry.

No, no, don't be sorry.

Just, um...

- You get some rest. - Mmm.

Just great.

License and registration.

Here you go.

You know your car registration's expired?

No.

Is this vehicle yours, sir?

No, I stole it.

- Step out, please. - Oh, come on, that was...

Sir, I need you to step out of the car.

- Ohh! - Oh, I'm sorry.

- Freeze! Right there! - Hey, take it easy!

What are you doing?

- He looks black. - Right.

- He stank black. - Right.

Okay.

Yeah.

Motherfucker tastes black.

Is he delicious, cuz?

Don't ask me no shit like that!

We should cut this motherfucker open

and see if he's black through and through.

I say you cut this motherfucker...

Whoa, he just woke up.

Wake up.

What's up... my brother?

You ain't my brother, cuz.

Right, sorry.

What the fuck you in here for, huh?

I really don't know.

Where the hell was you at when they picked you up?

I was in my car.

His car, shh.

Okay, shit, what kind of car you drive, huh?

Um, I drive a Jag.

- Oh, Jag! - Oh, big shit.

But you don't know why you in here, though, huh?

Simon Krebs.

Yeah, that's me.

- You made bail. - Deepak...

- Later, guys. - Search this motherfucker!

What's in your pockets, nigga?

Shit, what kind of fuckin' name is Simon Krebs?

What kind of name is that for a black man?

I don't know, but I know crabs are supposed to

make your dick itch or something.

Do you really buy that some guy busted in here

and attacked Mom?

Uh... why else would the window be broken?

Give me some.

That was, uh, nice of Josh to show up like that.

Um, yeah, I guess.

- Do you think Mom blows Dad? - What?!

Maybe if she did, they wouldn't be getting a divorce.

They're not getting a divorce.

Sure they are.

But maybe a little oral sex would spice up...

Shut up! You're disgusting.

What, there's nothing wrong with it.

Yes, there is.

They talk about it on TV all the time.

The Bible forbids it.

Yeah?

Tell me, where does it say "no blow jobs"

in the Bible, Eric?

I couldn't tell you, I don't know the exact...

But I know it's in there.

What do you think the word is on rim jobs?

Jesus Christ, Kelly! Why do you do this?

What, what do I do?

You say stuff just to piss people off, why?

Because when people are mad,

it shows you who they really are.

- Really? - Yeah.

Okay, then who am I?

You're a Bible-thumping hypocrite

who really doesn't know shit about the Scriptures.

Fuck you.

Heh.

That's the first real thing you've said to me in months.

Kelly: She was pretty.

She's still pretty.

I got a promotion today.

Really?

That's good.

You guys really look like you used to be in love back then.

Yeah.

Why do you think she hates me so much?

She doesn't hate you.

You think she's gonna be okay?

Don't know.

I hope so.

Is Eric upstairs?

- Yeah. - Hmm.

You know, you probably shouldn't have called him a weirdo.

Yeah, heh.

Even though he is.

Ah, what the hell are you doing?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

You call pointing a gun at somebody "nothing"?

- Give me the gun. - It's not even loaded.

Goddamn it, Eric, give me the gun!

P. A: If anyone's seen Bobby Overmeir,

will they please report to the principal's office.

You need some help?

Um...

Yeah, sure, yeah.

They can be kind of tricky.

Yeah, uh...

- It's, um, 15-1-36. - I know...

I know it already.

My locker's here, so, I mean, I've seen it.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Thanks, that's awesome.

I need to get some stuff.

Praise the Lord!

Yeah, yeah, prai...

Uh, praise the Lord.

We got something.

Right now?

Yeah, right now.

Unless you want to hang out with the skank.

What the hell, man?

Can't you see I'm busy?

- And God said unto thee... - Let go of me!

"Smite the sinner!"

- Come on, man! - Are you crazy?

Hey, piss on him.

What?

You want to get stoned in the house of the Lord?

What the hell's your problem? It's a bathroom!

Do it!

Whatcha doin', a-holes?

You know, you shouldn't interfere with God's work.

God told you to put Johnson's head in the urinal?

Yeah.

Whispered it right into my ear.

Hmm.

Then God's as big a dick as you are, Porter.

Gentlemen!

Have any of you seen Bobby Overmeir?

Coach is looking for him.

What's a Bobby Overmeir?

Oh, you know... star football player,

National Merit scholar, all-around great kid.

Everything you're not, Mr. Stukey.

Never hoped to be, Vice Principal Carnes.

Get to class.

It was after Benedict Arnold was cleared at the court-martial

that Washington issued a reprimand,

when Benedict Arnold almost gave up what?

Miss Burnett?

Uh...

I'm not sure about that one.

Hmm.

And that would be because you weren't listening?

And that would be because you're so incredibly boring.

You, out.

Mitzy, do you know the answer?

Um, West Point?

Thank you.

So, I'd say you owe me one.

You can... spank me later.

Sp... spank?

I am a connoisseur of spanking!

Your parents must be so proud, Mr. Stukey.

Oh, my gosh.

Anything look familiar at all?

- In here, not so much. - No?

Well, um...

I like it, though.

- Heh heh. - Yeah.

It's pretty.

Yeah.

We have a cat?

Bunnie, seriously, we need to talk, I...

Yeah, I know, but it can wait.

Didn't the doctors tell you?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I have a little bit of memory loss.

Yeah, like not remembering your children and where you live...

But you know what, the idea of having children

is starting to feel really familiar to me.

That's a relief.

What's with this belt buckle?

Honey, there are other things we need to talk about

- other than your memory loss. - That's great.

Let's talk about the good things first.

Um...

Mmm.

Look, I know you don't want me to lie...

- Wrong. - You want me to lie?

Jack, just say that everything is wonderful,

and if you say it enough, it will be.

Who always used to say that?

Your mother.

Oh, yeah.

Last thing I remember...

She and I weren't... we weren't talking.

Tell me that we're still not talking.

I gotta take this... get off, get off.

It's Harv, it's Harv.

Harv, yeah, I just got her back from the hospital.

Jack, what is it? Are we talking?

She's moving in in two weeks, you figure it out.

Ohh.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Oh, no, no, no, it isn't.

Is all that stuff mine?

Sure as hell ain't mine.

Ohh.

I invited her, didn't I?

Uh, are we still doing the lying thing?

Yeah.

Okay.

I invited her.

This is good.

I need to go to work.

We'll talk more later.

- Morning, Barbara. - Good morning.

Morning, Alicia, is there anything I...

Eunice, what's going on?

Up yours, Jack.

- What are you doing... - How's the wife?

Wow, what did you...

- Still having memory problems? - What?

Bet you like her better that way.

Why was...

She's a new woman, so to speak.

- Did you fire... - Hmm?

Eunice?

- No, she quit. - Because...?

Her department's quarterly profits are down,

and her managerial skills suck.

You told her that?

Didn't I tell you this would be fun?

Anybody in here?

It's okay.

- I missed you. - I missed you, too.

♪ Trying to stop all of the lyin' ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm tired of your denyin' ♪

♪ That you have those feelings for me ♪

♪ But instead you just ignore me ♪

♪ Now you told me a little secret ♪

♪ Gotta love me gotta show it ♪

♪ When are you gonna face your temptation? ♪

♪ Everyone's got their own expectation... ♪♪

I knew Delbo was a dyke.

Are you gonna report it?

Why should I give a shit?

It's weird about Overmeir, huh?

Totally.

It's so unlike him to just split like that.

You think?

Wouldn't know.

'Cause I heard you two hooked up at Waller's party last week.

Heh, whatever.

Oh, we gotta go.

I'll catch you guys later.

Hey.

Want a better look? Here.

Thanks.

It's, uh, kind of weird looking.

No shit.

You're Eric's sister, right?

You're Delbo's bitch, right?

I was in one of the stalls

while you guys were going at it.

I got a nice shot.

I'm not her bitch.

Eric talks about you sometimes.

Yeah? What does he say...

That I'm the gimp at the locker next to his?

Something like that.

Actually, he said you were nice.

Really?

Yeah.

But why would you care what Eric thinks?

I don't.

What?

You're straight.

- No, I'm not. - Bullshit.

- Fuck you. - No, I don't think so.

I think you want to fuck my brother.

Yeah?

Sorry.

Not my brand.

I'd rather eat pussy than suck cock any day.

Well, how do you know if you never tried?

Uhh!

Ask the Lord for forgiveness.

Fuck you!

- Give me your pot! - I don't have any!

Lying to me is like lying to the Lord.

Now, give me your pot!

I knew it.

See?

You probably feel better already.

- Ohh!

Come on, get him off, get him off!

- Get him off me! - Son of a bitch!

Uhh! Fuck!

Oh, fuck!

Ohh, my God!

Holy shit! Fuck!

Oh, my God! Holy shit!

Uhh!

Fuck.

Is he dead?

Come on, let's get out of here.

Where are you guys going? Give me some fucking help!

Fuck!

Fuck! He's not breathing!

Your hair is broken.

That's great.

Mohawk's a bit retro, don't you think?

Like you'd fuckin' know.

I know you shouldn't have spit on me.

We're just doing God's work.

That's bullshit... you're using God as an excuse

to beat up on people... you're fanatics.

I know he doesn't like dope dealers.

I'm not a fucking dealer... that's my personal stash, man.

It's still a sin.

Dude, I need to sit down.

Where does it say in the Bible

that smoking pot is a sin?

It doesn't actually talk about marijuana in the Bible because...

because it wasn't around back then.

How do you know God doesn't like it?

Look, why didn't you just leave me here?

Because killing is a sin, too.

You should check out what your buddy Andy does with my weed.

I was defending God.

And losing.

You didn't see the other guy.

I bet he looked much worse.

- Kitty... - Kelly.

Kelly... Kelly, would you pass the salad, please?

- You hate salad. - I do?

You used to like it when we first got married.

So, why don't I like it now?

You had it at one of your charity things

and got sick on it.

At least, you said you did.

Charity thing?

That's what you do.

You put on functions for charity with Grandma.

Really? I do?

Do I get paid?

No.

You sort of do charity for charity's sake.

Kelly.

She doesn't even remember my name, Dad.

I'm... I'm trying, darling, I really am.

I'm sorry, it's just...

Everything is just so damned hazy.

Maybe if we tried to do some things together as a family,

that would help to bring things back.

Yeah, that'll work.

Kelly.

She doesn't need the attitude.

The town carnival is tomorrow.

Really? I love a carnival!

- I don't? - Not really, no.

What do I like?

- Diseases. - Mm.

Yeah, you like diseases a lot.

Yeah, diseases.

- That's your thing. - Mm-hmm.

You do that a lot.

With Grandma and stuff.

Oh, Nina called.

She said she wanted to see how I was doing.

Nothing's going on.

I... I didn't say that there was.

I'm surprised you remember Nina.

Your memory seems to be getting better.

That's good.

I'm thinking maybe we should...

go see some kind of therapist.

As a... as a family.

We don't do well with therapists.

My mother... did she buy us this house?

She bought it for you.

I let her?

- Yes. - Why?

Because we couldn't afford this neighborhood otherwise.

I couldn't afford this neighborhood.

We've let her buy us a lot of things, haven't we?

Yes.

Bunnie.

I'll be right there.

Is Mom coming, or...

Oh, there she is.

She's wearing my blouse.

Nice tits, Mom.

You look beautiful, dear.

♪ You, you never believe me ♪

Oh, this looks like it's gonna be so much fun.

♪ We all ♪

♪ Radia-diate ♪

Dude, that's so sick.

Where'd you learn to shoot like that?

I don't know.

No, no, I'll take two of those.

Who's your sister with?

No clue.

She seems to know you.

Your sister's not the friendliest chick in the world,

is she?

Eric.

Reverend.

Who's your friend?

This is Paul Stukey.

- Nice to meet you, Paul. - Pleasure.

Wax, I wax it.

Wax holds it up.

Uh-huh.

We'd better get going.

Um, Reverend.

Uh, see you, Reverend.

Yep.

60 bucks? You said 80.

Told you.

Let's get out of here.

Mitzy: So, how much did you really hang out with Overmeir?

How'd you know about that?

He wrote about it on his blog.

I didn't know he had one.

Yeah, he wrote really bad poetry.

Yeah, he read me some.

We were at this party,

and he really started laying on the moves,

like trying to kiss me and shit.

There was no way.

So, I told him I'd give him a quick B.J. If he laid off.

Really?

Yeah.

We were headed up to his bedroom.

The loser got so excited,

halfway up the stairs, he creams himself,

and I get home in time to watch Rachael Ray.

You cold?

I'm fine.

- Oh, that's a first. - What?

You're smiling.

Oh, yeah.

Is that better?

I'm serious, you haven't smiled once

since I came home from the hospital.

Well... I was worried about you.

I know, but I'm gonna be fine.

I'm even starting to remember some things.

♪ Springtime sunshine ♪

♪ Will always be around ♪

♪ As long as good times ♪

♪ Will never fade ♪

♪ But I'm escaping... ♪

Hmm, whoa.

Are you still afraid of heights?

Well, yeah, when it, um...

When I look down or up or...

- Ha ha! - Wow.

- That's ridiculous. - He must really like you.

What happened to your nose?

Uh, vigorous picking.

Hmm, one of your better traits, I'm sure.

I remember us being in love.

S... something's happening here.

I remember when you couldn't keep your hands off me,

no matter where we were.

Yeah, Bunnie, but, um... something's wrong.

Very wrong.

What's this guy... oh, Jesus.

- Tell me. - Ohh.

Honey, tell me what happened to us.

No, I... You know what, um...

Can't you see that something's going...

Yeah, you don't even want to kiss me anymore.

But, Bunnie, I'm having...

there's some sort of major malfunction

going on down here.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

What are you... Jesus, Bunnie.

Oh, wait... but...

You know, you used to love it when I'd do this.

In front of all kinds of people.

Yeah, but I... Bunnie!

Bunnie, Bunnie.

Dude.

So gross.

Maybe their marriage will survive.

You think that Mom's having a nervous breakdown?

No, I just think she's nuts.

Were you nuts when you ripped off your blouse?

Yeah, that was different.

How about giving blow jobs to any guy that asks?

Does that mean you're nuts?

No, it means I'm generous.

Hmm.

You know I don't really do that.

Yeah, I know, I know you don't.

You just want people to think that you do.

Good morning.

- Uh... - Good morning.

Uh... heh.

Can we ask you a question?

Does it have anything to do with yesterday?

Yes.

Then no, you can't.

Did anybody get the paper?

- No. - Nope.

Fine, let's get ready to go, okay?

Hi.

Josh.

I'm surprised you remember my name.

Oh, little things are starting to come back to me.

- So, you're feeling better? - Much.

Good, I just thought I'd do something for Bobby.

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

Do you smell that?

Yeah, a little.

You know, Dad and I have been praying for you.

Well, thanks.

Josh.

Time to go for church.

I swear, Reverend.

It wasn't what you think!

Look at me and swear to the Almighty.

I swear.

You wouldn't lie to me right beside the house of the Lord?

No.

You use your faith as a guise

to hide your evil.

Give it to me.

Now.

Get out of my sight.

Not bad.

Thank you for coming, dear.

You're welcome, can we go home now?

No.

- Morning, Mrs. Burnett. - Morning.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'll see you inside.

Nice to see you got all spruced up.

I did it all for you and God.

Dude, I can't stop thinking about your sister.

- Forget it. - Why?

- You're dead, Stukey! - Up yours, Porter.

You ratted me out.

Dude, you almost killed me.

What the hell are you doing with him, Eric?

Um...

We're friends.

Then ye shall reap what thou sows.

What a dick.

We're friends?

Yeah.

Thank you, Jesus, thank you.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Mmm.

♪ Ridi, pagliaccio ♪

♪ Sul tuo amore infranto ♪

♪ Ridi del duol ♪

♪ Che t'avvelena ♪

♪ Il cor ♪

Fuck you laughin' at?

Excuse me?

Fuck is your problem, Jack?

Jack? Do we know each other?

Man, fuck off, huh?!

Do that.

Hey.

Josh... hey, hey.

- I need to talk to you. - What's the matter?

- I need help. - Is there a problem?

I can't talk about it right now.

What's the problem, what is it?

Can we talk about it tonight, okay?

- Tonight? With me? - Please.

I can't... Josh, I can't.

7:30, please... please.

Lookout Park, 7:30, okay?

Okay.

You okay?

- Morning, Barbara. - Morning.

You want to come?

Excuse me?

Lunch?

Not really hungry.

You and Bunnie finally having sex again?

Oh, I don't... I don't think...

You know, I think about us sometimes.

She knew, Nina.

Knew what?

Nothing ever happened.

Well, I told her it might.

We probably should've had our little bump and grind.

That way, the two of you would've got over it by now.

Keep those profit margins up, Jack.

You and Nina... doing a terrific job.

Thanks, Harv.

What are you doing?

- I got fired. - What? Why?

Ask Nina.

Sit tight, I'm gonna handle this.

I knew you had balls, but you can't fire Alicia like that.

You're so busy looking at her tits,

you didn't even know if she could type.

Know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna hire her back.

Yeah?

You'll have to hire yourself back first, won't you?

What?

Harv finally came to the conclusion

that one hatchet person was more than enough.

I just saw him!

He was just telling me what a great job I'm doing.

See how quickly you get to see him again.

Harv?

Harv, I know you're in there.

Open the goddamn door! Son of a bitch.

Ow!

Don't have time to talk now, Jack.

Make the time, Harv.

It wasn't personal.

Fuck you! And that is personal.

If we're not gonna discuss this civilly...

You're a dick, Harv!

I'm gonna have to call security

if you don't get hold of yourself.

Thank you.

What...

Son of a bitch!

Yeah, yeah, and you're boning Nina, too, aren't you?

- Did she tell you that? - She didn't have to!

I still got the dildo, Harv.

And I bet I could take it into a lab

and get your DNA off it, too.

What's your DNA doing on a dildo, Harv?

It's a... prostate problem.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Yeah.

You diggin' it, dude?

Yeah.

That's good, good.

I gotta show you something.

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

Where'd you get that?

Reverend Diggs.

Bullshit.

He... he wants me to enter

this U.S. Target- shooting contest.

Says it's my God-given gift.

Is it loaded?

Nah.

It's... it's heavy.

Switch with me, man.

- Here. - Yeah.

I gotta take a piss.

You do that.

Ohh, yeah.

All right.

There's all these ants.

Look, I'm gonna pee on the ants.

Do you think God really gives a shit

whether you can shoot this thing or not?

Fuck!

Eric?

Eric, man, are you okay?

Oh, fuck, oh.

Hey, man.

Oh, hey.

Oh, shit.

Eric, hey man, are you all right?

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

- Blow me... ha ha ha ha ha! - Fuck!

Shit, dude!

Fuck you, dude!

You were freakin' out so bad.

Dude, I thought you were fuckin' dead!

No.

I'm high.

No, I'm fine, Mom, really.

Yes, I got your check, thank you.

Still divorcing Jack?

No! What...

I mean, we're fine, we're fine.

Well, I don't think it's a mistake.

I'm not being belligerent, Mom.

I...

Oh, come on!

Mitzy: She said she's in love with me.

Delbo?

Shit, get out!

What, you don't think someone could love me 'cause of this?

Oh, stop being a drama queen.

So, what'd you say?

I told her I was in love with somebody else.

Cool.

Who?

Does it matter?

I'm going to her apartment tonight to break it off.

Yeah, I think that's the right thing.

Well, you're coming with me.

- What? No. - Yeah, dude.

No, there's no way I'm doing that.

- Seriously, broheim. - That's not my thing.

Like, I don't do confrontation, I don't do that shit.

My old man doesn't like me.

Bullshit.

He like Kelly?

Yeah, he likes her.

I guess it's understandable.

In a way, he's kind of got more control over her.

Well, my pops always says...

...that being in control

is always having a plan "B."

Reverend Diggs says that...

religion should give you all the control you need.

Yeah, but what the fuck else is he gonna say?

Whatever this is about...

Listen to me, okay?

Okay, no, no, no, no, you listen to me.

I don't remember what happened between us.

But whatever it was, it will never happen again.

- Do you understand? - I love you.

And you love me, too.

'Cause what we did, we couldn't do unless...

I... I don't love you.

But what about what me and you...

- You get out of this car. - You can't...

- Go on, get out right now. - No, no.

You get out of this car right now!

You love me.

I'm sick, this is sick.

Say it! Say that you love me.

Do you understand that? Get out of the car.

Go on, get out of this car now.

Conversation's over, go home.

Close that door.

Here I go... close that door, now.

This is the house right here,

but ain't nobody out there, it's dead as hell.

The motherfucker from jail

is following this white bitch over here

to this house, cuz.

Simon.

What the hell is going on between you and Josh?

- Nothing. - What do you mean, nothing?

Don't lie to me!

- Well, I don't really know. - What?

- Okay? I don't know. - Bullshit!

These mothers is crazy, cuz.

Where'd you find this fool anyway?

Google's a wonderful thing, dawg.

Ah! Ah, shit!

- Shit! Shit! - Simon...

- Simon. - Shit! Shit!

- You ready to do this shit? - You ready?

- Let's roll. - Creep low, creep low.

Simon, what's happening?

What's happening... I'll tell you, your wife here...

We almost had an accident.

Remember us, homeboy?!

I don't like them fuckin' things!

How the fuck else I'm gonna get 'em in the house?

What's wrong with you?

Why you always talkin' shit, nigga, always talkin' shit.

Fellas, I don't know what you're after,

- but there's a brand-new XBox... - Shut up!

Take whatever you want!

Shut up, white boy,

before I bust a cap on you right now!

He's just trying to explain...

Who said you could talk? Sit your ass down on the couch!

Oreo-lookin' motherfucker! Sit down!

Why'd you have to bring her?

- What do you want? - Hmm?

Money, apologies,

a passing grade in history?

Excuse me?

You're not here to blackmail me?

No, she's not.

Fine, then why is she here?

I want an "A" in history.

What?

I refuse to be blackmailed by a lowlife student

who doesn't even know who Benedict Arnold was.

Look who's talking about lowlifes.

At least I've never tried to steal another woman's woman.

She...

She doesn't care about the "A."

She was just joking.

I'll give you a "C", but this all stays between us.

I want a "B."

- C-plus. - B-minus.

- Fine. - Mitzy: Okay, great.

Let's go.

No, you... tell her what you came for.

No, come on, let's go.

Okay, she doesn't love me.

She has a crush on my brother Eric.

No, I don't.

You don't?

No, I'm...

I'm gay, and I love you.

Well...

that's just... fan-fucking-tastic.

Are you... are you serious?

Yeah.

Kind of wish I wasn't.

Where'd she go?

Yeah... oh.

Hey, you...

Where do you keep your jewels and shit?

- The jewels? - Yeah, the jewels.

- I can't remember. - I don't know.

Y'all got jewels, and neither one of you know where they at?

Well, it's kind of complicated,

because we weren't getting along for awhile...

Where are the fucking jewels, cuz?!

- I would tell you... - I'm countin' to three,

and I'm gonna blow your fuckin'...

What the fuck are you doin', man?

Give me this shit!

You just gonna snatch my piece, cuz?

- You're damn right! - Fuck you, cuz.

I gotta get this... it's my mama.

Mrs. Johnson?

Shh!

Hey, Mama! Hey!

Hey, nigga, tell Mrs. Johnson I say what...

Uh-huh?

Yeah, I know.

Thomas Jefferson, yeah, yeah.

Right, no, it's due Friday.

Huh? I know. I couldn't believe it.

You said we might be related... that's crazy!

Heh! Okay.

I love you, too, Mama, mwah!

All right, okay, bye, bye.

Love my mama, ha ha!

What... I got a book report for school.

You're in school?

Hell yeah, my nigga is a straight-A student.

Trey!

And his old man's a dentist out in Cali.

Shut up!

Please, man!

You hate when I talk about your daddy.

Now, listen, you're gonna tell me

where you keep your jewels, all right?

Or I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you, you hear me?!

I'm gonna bust your fuckin' head wide open!

I'm not fuckin' playin'!

They're in the master bathroom.

Uh, go under the sink.

They're in a douche bag.

You ever think about doing yourself?

All the time.

- How would you do it? - How?

With my hand, how else am I gonna do it?

Would you, like, choke yourself?

I don't want to choke it, bro, I mean...

I want to... stroke it.

Nah, I...

I mean, you know...

You ever think about...

about doing yourself?

Oh.

No.

You?

Nah.

Why do you look so familiar?

I jacked you before or something?

This would be my first jacking.

That nigga knew right where it was at.

How the hell do you know where my wife hides her jewelry?

I think he knows where she hides a lot of things.

Hey, go grab that.

Hey, cuz! We got a visitor.

Nina?

Mm, ugh... what is going on here, Jack?

A little get-together, that's all, ha ha!

Bitch, get on the couch!

What you think we doin'... we got guns and shit.

What is she doing here?

I don't know... what are you doing here, Nina?

You got me fired, asshole.

- You got me fired first. - Oh!

You got fired?!

Look what else I got, cuz.

- Well... - Jack!

She got transferred into the...

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I like that.

Stop!

Hammer time.

Ohh! Yeah.

Ohh... Let's ring the bell, baby.

- No. - Come on, ring my bell.

Ding! Ding!

Whoo!

Ohh! Ohh! Ding! Whoo!

Ding!

Oh!

It's not like it sounds, man.

You know, they alter them tapes all the time.

Simon, cuz... the ding-dong man!

A nerd name, but it gets the...

- We're done. - Jack... Jack, please!

If we make it through this alive, we're done... done.

- Sit your ass down. - Fuck off.

You were supposed to be my friend.

Sit your ass down.

You see, actually, Jack, all of your pseudo-liberal,

ain't-it-great-being-friends-

with-the-black-folk- next-door shit...

never really cut it with me.

Oh.

So you fucked my wife to get back at me?

And if you think I was the only one...

Well, yeah.

- Only one? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, ask her who else, hmm? Ask her.

What the fuck is he talking about?

Yeah, what am I talking about?

Josh.

So, you think your sister's home?

Tsk, forget about it, dude, it's weird.

You're weird.

No, man, that's weird.

Nice parking job.

Ha ha.

Yeah.

I think that's Josh's dad's car.

Veronica, what the hell are you doing?!

I read your space things, you know!

Myspace?

All you kids... what a bunch of narcissistic,

whining little scumbags!

Especially you.

Oh, really?

What does that make you, then?

Broken-hearted.

Bullshit.

I'm out of here.

Fine, go... take your girlfriend with you!

- I'm not her girlfriend! - Right, we got it, Kelly.

You'll give it up for any asshole

because you can't have real feelings for anyone.

I have real feelings.

Yeah? For who?

I'm out of here.

Mitzy!

Eric, run!

- Trey, shut that down! - Can't go, either.

- Let's rush 'em. - What? What?

- Shit! - He's not so tough.

His father's a dentist, for God's sake.

- Yeah. - Come to think of it...

you ain't really no blacker than I am, are you, boy?

He doesn't even have a gun.

Oh, shit.

What you call this, huh?

He gets one of us, the others take him down.

You talkin' real crazy right now.

No, I'm not, I don't think so.

- I don't think so, either. - Ouch!

Oh, shit! They shootin' at me!

Oh, shit! My ankle.

- Eric. - Oh, my God.

Yo, we gotta bounce, cuz.

- Did you get 'em? - I couldn't get 'em.

Man, they had guns and everything.

Dodging bullets and shit.

Just get the shit and let's go, man.

Get on the goddamn couch!

We're not playin', man!

- This shit never happened. - You's a freak.

- I gotta get my gun. - Dude, forget the gun!

We gotta get the fuck out of here.

Watch out!

I'll go first.

- Right there! - Where? Where?

Ohh!

Man, you shot my shit!

- I'm sorry! - You can't even shoot!

No, I should probably be the one to go first.

- Bunnie, would you... - Oh, shit!

Oh, crap!

Jesus!

Oh, my God!

- I'm Simon. - Nina.

You know, maybe she doesn't even mean it.

You know, maybe she just needs time to think about it.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, it doesn't even matter anymore.

Don't say that... whoa.

Shit!

What the fuck?! What the fuck?!

- What the hell is this comin'? - What is this?

What's up, homeboys?

Back your ass up.

- Son of a bitch! - Back the hell up!

Fuckers!

No!

Oh, shit!

What the fuck?

Ohh, you broke my wallet.

You're insane!

Whoa.

Doesn't that kind of look like Overmeir?

Yeah, just kind of a bloated Overmeir.

Yeah, with, like, a stretched-out neck.

Eric?

I'm all right.

Jack...

I don't want the rubber chicken again.

Let's go with the roast beef.

Roast beef's too expensive.

We'll go with the chicken.

Oh, my mother just walked in... let me call you back.

Heh heh.

Another job interview?

Yep.

Your ear's bleeding.

How the hell does he always cut himself like that?

Nice to have you here, Ilene.

Good luck, honey.

He's never gonna get a job.

Oh, you are wearing your mother's blouse.

I... I gave that to her, Mom.

You can see...

It's fine, Mom.

She looks really beautiful in it.

What is a hero?

A hero is someone that you'd want to be like,

someone that you look up to.

Especially if they're hanging in a tree outside your house.

Bobby Overmeir was that kind of kid.

Even in death, Bobby was able

to tackle a no-good gang banger.

And there's another hero here today,

one who saved many lives

the night that Bobby's poor body was discovered.

That's Josh Krebs.

Josh, come up here, son.

It's loaded.

It's beautiful.

You deserve it.

On your way home, stop at a range,

try that baby out.

What the hell are you doing?

You gave him a gun?

Yes.

Are you insane?

After what our family's been through?

Please... Eric, just give me the gun.

- Give me the gun, Eric. - It's up to me.

- Give me the fucking gun! - No! Okay?

This is the only thing that I'm good at.

The only thing you're good at is being an idiot.

Jack.

What? Look.

How dare you talk to him that way?

"How dare you"? You want to do "how dare you"?

How about... how dare you do what you did to me?

Jack, a lot of things are starting to come back to me.

A lot of things... I didn't sleep with Josh.

He wanted to, but I didn't.

That's a relief, I feel a lot better.

Well, I don't.

This has always been about you

and the career that you didn't have

and the money that you didn't make

and the fact that my mother

bought us that fucking house!

Let me talk to him... Jack.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Kel.

You're dead, Stukey!

Andy!

Everything pretty much happened in a rush after that.

There was a funeral,

and the Krebs decided to move across town.

Don't you forget I paid for this house.

Yes, I won't forget that.

But you put it in my name,

and that makes it legally mine.

Fine... why would I want to stay in a place that I'm not wanted?

It's not that you're not wanted.

But, actually, you're not wanted.

And I'll tell you why.

Because you're a very selfish woman,

and you've always used your money

to manipulate anyone you can,

but especially me!

Grandma never knew what hit her.

It's time.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you to a real hero tonight,

a young man we can all be proud of.

So, what exactly happened that day?

I'm not even sure myself.

Eric Burnett.

It was pure instinct, I guess.

The reverend probably would've called it divine intervention.

Also in the audience,

we're very lucky to have with us... two other heroes.

Others might've called it blind luck.

Either way, even Dad would have to admit...

It was a hell of a shot.

Jack Burnett and his very brave wife Bunnie...

Eric's father and mother.

Let's face it.

The fact that this family is still together

is almost as much of a miracle as those two bullets colliding.

I mean, my mom and dad

will never have the perfect marriage...

maybe not even close.

But they're still here.

We all are.

That must say something.

I don't know.

Maybe it takes almost losing someone

before you know how much you're going to miss them.

Hey, I'm sure we'll still have our moments.

I mean, you have parents, right?

The man's entitled to his opinion.

Even though he's wrong.

♪ I think you're crazy ♪

♪ I think you're lazy ♪

♪ I'm getting closer to losing it losing it ♪

♪ You keep complaining ♪

♪ You keep on blaming ♪

♪ I'm getting closer to losing it losing it ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Will be fine ♪

♪ If you ♪

♪ Shut the fuck up you're bringing me down ♪

♪ What the what are you talking about? ♪

♪ 'Cause you know I don't really give a damn anymore ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Such a fuck-up you've done it again ♪

♪ What the hell what the hell were you thinking? ♪

♪ I've had enough I don't care ♪

♪ I don't care anymore ♪

♪ I think you're full of it ♪

♪ You're always talking shit ♪

♪ I'm getting closer to losing it losing it ♪

♪ Every dirty look I'll make a picture book ♪

♪ With all the pictures of your stupid face stupid face ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ Will be fine ♪

♪ When you ♪

♪ Shut the fuck up you're bringing me down ♪

♪ What the what are you talking about? ♪

- ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪ - ♪ 'Cause you know ♪

♪ I don't really give a damn anymore ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Such a fuck-up you've done it again ♪

♪ What the hell what the hell were you thinking? ♪

♪ I've had enough I don't care ♪

♪ I don't care anymore ♪

♪ I'd like to follow you someday ♪

♪ And when you look the other way ♪

♪ Tie you up tie you up to a hot air balloon ♪

♪ Watch you float watch you float ♪

♪ All the way to the moon ♪

♪ I'll be walking on air that day ♪

♪ 'Cause there's no air in outer spa... ♪

♪ A-a-a-a-a-ace ♪

♪ La-la-la ♪

- ♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪ - ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Shut the fuck up you're bringing me down ♪

♪ What the what are you talking about? ♪

- ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪ - ♪ 'Cause you know ♪

♪ I don't really give a damn anymore ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Such a fuck-up you've done it again ♪

♪ What the hell what the hell were you thinking? ♪

♪ I've had enough I don't care ♪

♪ I don't care anymore ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

- ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪ - ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪

- ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪ - ♪ Yeah-eah-eah ♪

- ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪ - ♪ Shut the fuck up ♪

♪ Yeah-eah ♪♪

Corrected by: Mr.Scudester