Original subtitles

(gentle music)

(bright music)

(dramatic music)

(bright music)

[Duchess] Hello, darling.

Hello, my boy.

Eh, it's good to be back.

(dramatic music)

Well, it's grand to be home.

Grand.

I don't want to sound too depressing, father,

but this may not be our home much longer.

If I can't sell any of our cattle abroad,

we're really in trouble.

Don't worry, darling.

Everything's arranged.

Isn't it, Edward?

It certainly is.

When do I leave for Ritalla?

Tomorrow if you like.

You'll have a wonderful time just as we've had.

It's a beautiful country.

Everything about the place is beautiful.

Eh, my dear?

Except their cattle I hope.

May I see those photographs, father?

Right you are.

Come here, my boy.

Take a look at these.

Well, sit yourself down, Tony.

Well then, look.

Modern place, eh?

Fresh as paint.

And all because of oil.

Ritalla struck oil a few years ago

and every barrel earns a royalty

in fresh crinkly dollars for the king.

Charming, man.

[Tony] Yes, I know about that, father.

Charming palace.

Newly built.

That's where you'll stay as guest of their majesty.

And their daughter, the Princess Maria.

Charming.

The cattle, father?

Yes.

Here you are.

If this is a fair example of Ritallan cattle,

the country's going to need our Whitecliffe thoroughbreds.

Go on.

Pretty girl.

Ain't she beautiful?

Father, the king needs good cattle.

We can supply it.

But if he wants a further supply of princesses,

no one can help him but himself.

I fail to see why you take pictures of a.

Ah, that's better.

Mm, bad grazing.

Unscientific breeding.

The signs are all here.

Now if you can show me some more.

Really father, how can I hope

to study the sales possibilities of these cattle

when all you show me is this girl?

Let's face it.

He only has eyes for cows.

You talk to him, Cynthia.

Oh no, Edward, you.

Whew.

[Cynthia] Well, Edward.

Well, it's arranged, but I never felt more ashamed

in all my life putting pressuring on Tony to barter himself.

What else could we do?

Poor boy.

Perhaps you ought to speak to him again just to make sure.

No time.

It's late now.

I must telephone the airline people

to make sure of his ticket.

Why not send Cooper with him?

Yes.

Yes I think perhaps we should.

To buy a ticket for Cooper as well,

I shall have to pawn the blessed car.

(bright music)

♪ I've got a pale full of milk to sell you ♪

(cow mooing)

(chickens clucking)

Cooper.

[Cooper] Sir?

I'm in a most ghastly hole.

If you can't help me, I'm sank.

Sounds like a worse scrape than usual.

Worse?

It's a disaster.

Surely not, Master Tony.

My father has arranged for me

to marry the Princess Maria of Ritalla.

There, how 'bout that?

But you can't and you must tell him why you can't.

Is that all you can suggest?

Come on, Cooper.

You can do better than that.

I'm sorry, sir.

There is no alternative.

There must be.

At least someone is happy this morning.

Happy?

I'll give him happy.

The blighter's trespassing.

(man whistling)

Cooper.

Sir?

(man whistling)

♪ Oh look it's all happening ♪

♪ It's all happening ♪

♪ And I heard 'em say they're giving it away for free ♪

♪ If you don't believe me ♪

♪ Well take a look, a look see ♪

♪ There's loving in the air ♪

♪ Like the whole wide world don't care ♪

♪ You can feel it stealing in up on the summer breeze ♪

♪ And if you climb up any tree ♪

♪ Then it's a sure thing to see ♪

♪ That well known mystery, the birds and bees ♪

♪ Oh look, it's all happening ♪

♪ I heard 'em say they're giving it away for free ♪

♪ Mama's busy in the nest ♪

♪ Papa's puffing out his chest ♪

♪ She's hatched a brood that's put him in a mood to sing ♪

♪ And there's a worm down here ♪

♪ Who wishes good appetite to the fishes ♪

♪ 'Cause she knows she looks delicious in the spring ♪

♪ And if you don't believe me ♪

♪ I'm in love with everything ♪

♪ So excuse me if I sing ♪

♪ It's the kind of day when nothing's in the way of joy ♪

♪ 'Cause there's a million couples mating ♪

♪ And papa soon will be waiting ♪

♪ To hear somebody stating it's a boy ♪

♪ If you don't believe it ♪

♪ Take a look at me ♪

(cows mooing)

This is the solution.

Oh sir, you can't, sir.

It would never work, sir.

Well, it must and you're going to help me, Cooper.

Oh, but sir.

(cows mooing)

Hi, mate.

This the Whitecliffe Farm?

The Whitecliffe Farm?

Well that's what they said in the village.

The village?

Yeah, I'm looking for a couple days work.

Work?

A couple of day's work?

You know the type that brings in the money.

[Tony] Money?

Yeah, window cleaning, cleaning out your cowshed, weeding.

Any.

(cows mooing)

Have I seen you somewhere before?

You know you don't half remind me of someone.

Do I?

Who could it be?

Blimey, it's me.

That's right.

Well we'd better get to know each other then.

My name's Tommy Hudson.

You can call me Tommy.

You can call me Tony for the moment and this is Cooper.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well I'm hitching around the country.

You know, looking at life before I decide

to have a go myself.

An enterprising sort of chap, eh?

Most adventurous.

Oh, it's a laugh you know,

but at the moment I'm looking for a couple day's work.

Nothing permanent, mind you.

Any chance here?

There's every chance.

(cows mooing)

Just what the Whitecliffe's need.

An enterprising adventurous sort of chap.

What kind of a job is it?

It's a pushover.

A dream.

Hm?

How would you like to go to Ritalla?

The Cadillac Kingdom.

[Tony] Blazing sun all day.

Balmy nights.

Balmy.

First class plane tickets.

You stay in the palace.

[Tony] Guests of the king and queen.

Marry a princess.

Wear a crown in bed I suppose.

No, that's just what you mustn't do.

Well, what do you think?

I think you're harmless, but I know you're cracked.

Give my regards to Napoleon, will ya.

Tada.

(dramatic music)

Get out.

Let go.

Now, Tommy.

Mr. Hudson, listen.

Now listen, I'm the honourable Tony Whitecliffe.

Yeah and I'm Oliver Cromwell.

Get out of it.

Listen.

All right, I'm listening.

I am Tony Whitecliffe.

Yeah, course you are, mate.

My father wants me to marry the Princess of Ritalla.

Well, is that good or bad?

Bad.

Master Tony is already married.

[Tony] To a girl.

Well that's normal anyway.

I mean an ordinary girl.

She has no title.

Our marriage is secret.

My parents would never have agreed

to me marrying a girl without a title.

You couldn't just tell 'em I suppose, could you?

The only way out is for you to go

to Ritalla in my place and pretend you're me.

Give you a bit of a breather.

You've got it.

Course I've got it.

I'm not daft, but I know who is.

Get out of it.

(cows mooing)

(gentle music)

Blimey, it's him.

It is true after all.

Then you'll go?

Well if it'll help you out, I'll have a try.

Sir, before any final decision is taken,

may I strongly advise a test.

Anything.

Your mother.

Oh.

Cooper.

Sir?

Take me to mama.

Her grace usually takes tea at this hour.

An excellent opportunity.

We just have time.

Good luck, Tommy.

Come on, Coop.

(gentle music)

(man whistling)

I mean, goodness gracious.

(gentle music)

Master Tony's watch and ring, sir.

(gentle music)

That'll be all, Coop.

It is not all, sir.

I must help you dress.

Eh?

It's customary, sir.

Look, I'll do me own buttons up if you don't mind.

That's customary where we come from.

Hey, Coop.

Sir?

I kind of forgot to have something for dinner.

Any chance of working in some grub in on the tea?

Certainly, sir.

Thank you, Cooper.

You know I never eat anything at this time of day.

Master Tony especially requested some grub, your grace.

Grub?

I beg your pardon, your grace.

Food, I lapses linguae.

Hello again, mater.

Oh Tony, darling.

You haven't called me that since you left school.

Well I'm as happy as a schoolboy and just as hungry.

[Cynthia] Happy?

Why certainly, mater old thing.

Wonderful weather, spiffing sunshine.

Jolly hot crumpets.

You may go, Cooper.

Your grace.

What's the mater matter?

Matter mater?

You.

Well, I'd better go then.

Can I have a crumpet please?

Don't be so absurd.

Relax.

Darling, are you pretending this for my sake?

What, what?

Pretending to be happy?

[Tommy] But I am happy.

You mean about going to Ritalla and you know?

[Tommy] Of course.

I'm so relieved.

Your father's arranging about airline tickets

for you and Cooper.

Cooper's going with you.

Won't that be nice?

Delightful.

There's just one thing that puzzles me.

We were under the impression

that you were against the whole thing.

What made you change your mind?

Well just recently I've become a new man.

I've taken a look at myself and I see where my duty lies.

Family tradition, old school tie and all that rot.

You know Tony, this doesn't sound at all like you.

You can say that again.

There's just one last thing I'd like to ask.

Of course, darling.

What is it?

Can I have a crumpet please?

(bright music)

(hand knocking)

Come in.

How'd it go?

It worked.

Ah, you leave tomorrow?

Yeah with Cooper.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I'll go away with the wife for a while.

Perfect switch, eh?

Excellent.

Hey.

What's the matter?

Why the long face?

Well, it's your mum.

She was a nice lady.

She didn't strike me as what you said she was, a snob.

That's nice of you, but I think I know my own folk best.

Yeah, suppose so.

Now look old chap, for a while you've got to get used

to the idea of being an aristocrat.

It isn't all champagne and oysters.

Take it from me.

Well, I'll need a few more tips then.

How about giving 'em to me?

Certainly if you like to tell me

what's life like down your way.

Fair enough.

After you.

(bright music)

♪ What do you do when you're invited ♪

♪ Out to the joint where guys get knighted ♪

♪ Raise your hat and say that you're delighted ♪

♪ Yes but tell me ♪

♪ What do you do when noses stick up ♪

♪ 'Cause you don't know which knife to pick up ♪

♪ Look around you and politely hiccup ♪

♪ Yes, but I know ♪

♪ Champagne tea and caviar ♪

♪ Need to be approached with etiquette ♪

♪ Very well then ♪

♪ Campaign for a samovar ♪

♪ Get the better of the better set ♪

♪ Gor blimey ♪

♪ What do you do when debutanties take you to tea ♪

♪ To meet their aunties ♪

♪ You're as wise as I am ♪

♪ Fine adviser I am ♪

♪ What do you do ♪

♪ What do you, what do you do ♪

♪ What do you do with no school tie on ♪

♪ No Oxford accent to rely on ♪

♪ Sing a verse or two of any old iron ♪

♪ Yes but tell me ♪

♪ What do you do when you go places ♪

♪ What do you wear when at the races ♪

♪ Suppose I'll have to use me father's braces ♪

♪ Yes but I know ♪

♪ Fish and chips and jellied eel ♪

♪ Is a diet I don't understand ♪

♪ Oh how I wish you knew just how it feels ♪

♪ Eating a banana down the strand ♪

♪ Oh matey ♪

♪ What do you do when clubs refuse you ♪

♪ Can't even get your name in who's who ♪

(bright music)

(soft music)

That all happened in a bit of a rush, didn't it eh?

Perhaps in too much of a rush.

Do you fully understand your brief on this mission?

Course I do.

Don't worry.

The journey takes 11 hours.

At 3:30 precisely we will land

and transfer to a plane of the king's flight

in which we will continue the journey to Ritalla Airport.

I suggest you use the time to study.

[Tommy] I'll look like a cow by the time I get there.

Start reading.

Keep your mind on cattle and off the princess.

Look, you haven't even shown me a picture of her yet.

Besides, I'm not going to get any ideas anyway.

All right?

She won't even notice me, mate.

I bet she's never met an ordinary bloke before

since the day she was born.

Princess.

(gentle music)

(phone ringing) (gentle music)

Lady Marguerita, if you speak on that telephone,

I'll never speak to you again.

Well?

It's ringing.

$80,000 for a palace telephone system

and I can't even get through to me own daughter.

But your highness you know who it is.

I also know what I'm doing.

We know she's in.

We also know she's not answering, don't we?

What are we to do?

Whitecliffe will be landing in a few minutes.

This time Maria's really gone too far.

She'll either obey my royal command

or she'll get a royal smacked bottom.

She's not too old for that yet.

(gentle music)

Now you listen to me, my girl.

Oh my poor, darling.

Whatever's the matter?

What's happened?

I've developed a sudden severe and infectious chill.

And is that your diagnosis, doctor?

Your majesty, the case is of exceptional interest.

Indeed.

There are no physical symptoms.

I'm inclined to the view that this ailment

is of deep psychiatric origin.

Deep psychiatric lead swinging.

[Doctor] Oh your majesty,

if you will allow me to elaborate.

I will allow you to leave us.

Your majesty.

Maria, you will get out of this bed

and down to the airport or I shall give you such a smacking

you won't be able to sit down at your coronation.

Darling, how can you be so harsh?

How can you be so gullible?

You never suffered from a diplomatic illness?

If you've got a chill, I've got housemaid's knee.

I refuse to be married off to any...

How many times must I tell you

that if you don't marry some noble

or other within the next six months,

I shall have to abdicate.

No, you won't.

The girl's mad.

She has absolutely no idea.

Oh, I have plenty of ideas

and an arranged marriage isn't one of them.

You stubborn little...

Maria, give it a chance.

Meet him.

You may like him.

Like him, mother?

Some chinless chump from the land of fog.

Here, look.

Here is a photograph.

A photograph which you have stubbornly refused

even to look at.

And I refuse now.

But here is definite documentary proof of the chin.

Why dammit his family goes back to William the Conqueror.

And it can stay there.

Lady Marguerita, will you kindly hand me

a smooth backed hairbrush?

We have to get to the airport, dear.

What?

So we have.

Lucky for you.

(bright music)

(phone ringing) (gentle music)

The Princess Maria's apartment.

Please wait a moment.

It's the Prime Minister, Mr. Bastini.

He craves an audience.

Well tell him to stop craving and come on round.

The audience is granted.

Immediately Mr. Prime Minister.

Your highness.

How many times must I tell you I know what I'm doing?

(gentle music)

Your highness.

Your highness, my congratulations.

The chill.

A master stroke.

That is the only reason why I sought

this audience your highness to express my admiration.

Oh no, don't go.

There's still something I don't quite understand.

Highness.

You want to abolish this old rule

that the successor to the throne must marry

before the age of 21.

My dearest ambition and with your gracious help.

Yes, that's just it.

Why my help?

Why can't you just do it?

Why do we have to go through all this?

What charming youthful innocence (laughs).

My dear princess, in politics one must be dramatic.

One must find a symbol for the people to rally round.

You are that symbol.

When it is revealed that you refused an arranged marriage,

the absurdity of the law will be personalised.

It's repeal will become popular, non controversial,

and forever linked with your name.

And no longer will an archaic time limit...

Yes, yes, you can save your speech for parliament.

Can't I tell my father?

He's so worried.

A surprise.

Let it be a surprise.

So much more pleasant, don't you think?

I always think that depends so much

on the kind of surprise.

Don't you, Mr. Bastini?

Just think, I shall be able to marry

who I like when I like.

Take your time, princess.

Now there is no hurry.

Thank you, Bastini.

Highness.

Please, may I be allowed to speak

to you absolutely freely, your highness?

Not if you have anything to say against

that magnificent and progressive patriot.

Progressive.

Fiddle faddle.

He's ambitious and crafty and you put yourself in his hands.

You could be making a terrible mistake, Maria.

The only thing I'm making is history.

(engine revving)

Hey Coop, there's an army down there.

Who they waiting for?

You.

Cool.

(bright music)

Well, 'ere we go.

Here we go.

That's what I said.

You didn't.

Watch those H's.

Hokay.

Please, these people have met the Duke and Duchess.

You're supposed to be their son, remember?

You're supposed to be honourable.

Look, the only way we're going to get away

with this is by me being myself.

Sh.

(soft music)

Welcome to Ritalla.

Nice to be here, your majesty.

Oh.

Kiss.

The hand.

I trust you had a pleasant journey?

Fab.

I mean fab, your majesty.

Oh, this is Cooper.

He's my.

Aide de camp.

He's got all the patter off pat.

Perhaps you'd care to inspect the guard of honour?

Sure.

Oh, on second thought, your majesty,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Looks like they'd like the rest of the day off.

How very thoughtful of you.

See to that, will you General?

You will ride with General Bartolomeo, Mr. Cooper.

Of course, your majesty.

See you later, Coop.

(bright music)

I met a number of your nobles on my visit to England.

Your master seems refreshingly different from most of them.

The aristocracy has been democratised, General.

From what I saw of him, I'd say revolutionised.

You are too kind, General.

I hope we enjoy our trip to Ritalla

as much as you enjoyed your visit to England.

I found your country very instructive.

As a matter of fact, I took a course at Sandhurst

and of course our army is modelled on yours.

Oh, so this isn't the first time bull

has been imported from England (chuckles)?

That paraphernalia down at the airport, your majesty.

Does that mean your people know about, you know,

your daughter and me?

Oh, no, no.

The romance must appear to develop naturally.

If my dear Maria had been at the airport to meet you...

They would have caught on, eh.

Crafty.

You may rest assured to the people

at the moment you mean one thing only.

Cheap meat.

Eh?

Oh, the cattle deal.

Yes, yes.

Precisely.

Our country is rich in oil but poor in livestock.

However, an infusion of the Whitecliffe stock

will alter all that in a few years.

it won't take a few years (laughs).

(gentle music)

Your dress, sir.

I got to wear this lot?

Protocol.

What's that, disinfectant?

Get them on.

You're due at the official reception.

But they just met me.

Now you have to be received formally

at court in the throne room.

Will I see the princess?

Tommy.

I know, I know.

Don't get so excited.

I only wondered what she looks like.

This time you'll have to help me dress.

(bright music)

What do they want to give me this thing for?

I'm not going to kill anybody.

Come on.

I am Bastini, Prime Minister and Minister of War.

Do you wanna buy a sword, mate?

Greetings, greetings, greetings.

Hear ye a proclamation of greeting in the court of Ritalla

in the presence of their majesties the King and Queen.

Is the Princess in there?

Her highness has a chill, sir.

She is susceptible to them.

She cannot stand anything cold.

Or anything from a cold climate.

Well he's a right, Bastini, for a start.

And I charge you now to receive the aforementioned

honourable Anthony Saint John Normandy Agincourt Stephen

De Fawcett De Lisle Robinson Purley Gascoyne Whitecliffe.

Blimey, it's a football team.

It's you, sir.

(bright music)

Blimey.

Look, do you mind if I lose this?

I'm gonna do myself an injury.

By all means.

Ta.

Ta.

We bid you welcome to our kingdom and our home.

Anthony heir to Whitecliffes.

Thank you.

I, Anthony Saint John Normandie.

Do you really wanna hear all this?

Looks kind of dry to me, mate.

I've been waiting all my life to hear someone say that.

You're really welcome.

And it's really very nice to be here, your majesty.

Oh, is there anything in your book

where it says I can't express myself in me own way?

Not a thing.

But your majesty...

If you don't mind, son, I need plenty of room for this.

Unaccustomed as I am to making speeches,

they couldn't have found a tighter pair of breeches.

I'm supposed to tell you all just what I'm here for.

I'm supposed to tell you who I am

and therefore it's best for me to skip the boring part.

♪ And start right from the start ♪

♪ My great, great, great, great, great ♪

♪ Great, great, great grandfather ♪

♪ Came over with a conqueror name of Bill ♪

♪ He pinched a bow and arrow from an arrow's seller's barrer ♪

♪ Shot arrow in the eye on Hastings Hill ♪

♪ In the eye ♪

♪ On Hastings Hill ♪

♪ What a guy if looks could kill ♪

♪ Great, great grandfather ♪

♪ Enlisted with a feller named Robin Hood ♪

♪ The knights were off crusading ♪

♪ While for maidens he went raiding ♪

♪ All the castles in the Sherwood neighbourhood ♪

♪ On a raid he snatched a maid ♪

♪ And I'm afraid the maiden stayed ♪

♪ Our family tree ♪

♪ Is a bit of a mystery ♪

♪ The roots are pretty shaky ♪

♪ And the leaves are turning brown ♪

♪ But nobody ever had the nerve ♪

♪ To cut it down ♪

♪ My great, great, great ♪

♪ Was bowling with his mate Sir Francis Drake ♪

♪ They shouted out our martyr ♪

♪ So he started bowling harder ♪

♪ He was in the middle of a winning break ♪

♪ Couldn't spoil his winning break ♪

♪ Though the country was at stake ♪

♪ My great, great, great, great, great grandfather ♪

It's coming from the throne room.

Must be the Englishman.

This I've got to see.

Well only out of curiosity you understand.

But of course.

I'm naturally curious to know what he looks like.

♪ My great, great, great, great grandfather ♪

♪ The less we say about him the better ♪

♪ My great, great grandfather ♪

♪ Ran off with a Duchess' maid the day that he met her ♪

♪ They had a son, the only one ♪

♪ Although they wanted three ♪

♪ As nutty as a fruitcake that they had for Sunday tea ♪

♪ And he turned out to be ♪

♪ My great grandfather ♪

♪ Whose picture hangs on the wall in the family hall ♪

♪ Keeps looking down with a shocking frown ♪

♪ As if to say nothing out of the way ♪

♪ Ever happened at all ♪

♪ Nobody ever had the nerve ♪

♪ To cut it down ♪

(audience clapping)

(gentle music)

Time for the news?

One must keep in touch.

I'm in touch.

In fact, I can tell you one item

that won't be on television.

Really?

Her royal highness falling in love at first sight today.

Oh what nonsense.

With great respect your royal and very young

and extremely stubborn highness,

it's you who is talking nonsense.

I tell you I don't care if I never see him again

as long as I live.

The Honourable Anthony Whitecliffe arrived

at Ritalla Airport this morning.

While he is in this country,

Mr. Whitecliffe will be shown our oilfields

and other industries.

The young British nobleman is here on an official visit

as the guest of their majesties

to discuss livestock problems.

It is hoped that Whitecliffe pedigree cattle

will improve our own.

(bright music)

I've never been rushed about so much in all me life.

What's the idea?

You're a VIP.

You're to be shown everything.

Except the Princess.

I wish her highness no harm,

but personally I'm pleased she has a chill.

It saves us a lot of trouble.

Yeah, I suppose it does really.

Just think.

A couple of days ago I was trying

to get lifts in cars like this.

(bright music)

Hey Coop, look at that.

(bright music)

Master Tony would be horrified

and nor do I approve of your dressing yourself up

like a Spanish bullfighter.

Think of where we're going next.

I only thought it might please them.

Haven't you had enough?

No, it's fun.

What does your guidebook say?

A Ritallan industry famous through many generations

for the manufacture and export of.

(gentle music)

We would be honoured Honourable Anthony

if you would accept this modern example

of our ancient craft as a memento

of your visit to our place of work.

Thank you.

And now to conclude your so happy visit here,

our works band would like to play for you.

Please.

(upbeat music)

♪ You take a pick ♪

♪ Find a string ♪

♪ Take it quick ♪

♪ Make it swing ♪

♪ Play a run ♪

♪ Strike a chord ♪

♪ Having fun ♪

♪ All aboard ♪

♪ Happy guitar play it for me ♪

♪ Happy guitar play that melody ♪

♪ I wanna hear that chunka chunka whoom ♪

♪ Ching chunka chunka whoom ching chah ♪

♪ From my happy, happy, happy guitar ♪

♪ When I'm blue she makes me grin ♪

♪ She stays by me through thick and thin ♪

♪ Yes where I go she strings along ♪

♪ That's why I sing this song ♪

♪ I wanna hear that chunka chunka whoom ching ♪

♪ Chunka chunka whoom ching chah ♪

♪ That's why I sing this song oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Lazy feet can't stay that way ♪

♪ Not when this tune begins to play ♪

♪ So clap your hands and feel the beat ♪

♪ It's coming from my gui, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ From my happy, happy, happy, happy ♪

♪ Happy, happy guitar ♪

(audience clapping)

Even a politician knows that young women

are always interested in young men and so...

I assure you, Mr. Prime Minister,

I haven't the slightest interest

concerning this Whitecliffe person.

Nevertheless, to set your mind completely at rest

to strengthen your resolution,

accept my considered judgement that you would not be

in the least attracted to him.

I accept your judgement as always.

Highness.

However, interested parties of the old school

may approach you with false

and enthusiastic reports concerning him.

I shall ignore them all.

Madam.

Well, what do you think of that?

You're listening to everything

but your heart my dear silly Maria.

You go too far.

Sometimes a lady in waiting gets tired of waiting

for her mistress to show some commonsense.

Go away.

(dramatic music)

General, we have nothing to fear.

She hasn't any interest even curiosity in Whitecliffe.

(dramatic music)

Then tomorrow?

At the cabinet meeting.

We confront the king with the facts.

He abdicates.

I declare a national emergency.

I declare a martial law.

And by nightfall a republic exists.

A military.

Dictatorship.

For the time being.

And the little princess goes down in history.

But not the way she thinks.

Maria the dupe.

You have a politician's turn of phrase.

You have a general's sense of strategy.

We are partners.

Partners.

[Both] Partners.

(dramatic music)

He's back.

Yes, he'll be back in England before you can say republic.

He'll get tired of waiting suspicious of Maria's chill

and that will be that.

We must keep him busy.

But he's seen everything.

We just have to admit defeat.

Not quite.

At least we can keep him entertained tonight.

How in heaven's name?

The staff dance.

Oh yes.

Yes, I'd forgotten that.

It'll amuse him.

Be amongst people of his own age.

He'll probably fall madly in love with a laundry maid

and that will crown it.

Oh.

Oh, I know my dear it's a vulgar expression,

but if a King can't use it, I'd like to know who can.

Get me Mr. Whitecliffe.

Excuse me.

(gentle music)

Who is it?

[Marguerita] Lady Marguerita, your highness.

Oh, come in.

Oh forgive me.

I was all confused and very unhappy.

And I was much too hasty, my dear.

I of all people should know that being a princess

isn't the easiest task in the world.

You do understand, don't you?

Of course.

You mustn't give into your feelings.

It's your clear destiny to sacrifice your own chance

of happiness for posterity.

I shall probably never marry

like the First Elizabeth of England.

A great figure in history.

A virgin queen.

How wonderful for history.

If a little dull for you.

Now if I may a little advice.

Please.

Relax from your destiny awhile.

Have fun.

Go to the staff dance.

Their majesties will only stay for the first dance

and I can see to it for a few hours

nobody calls you Maria there much less highness or princess.

You can simply be a young girl at a dance like any other.

Really relax from the problem of being a princess.

It might do me good.

I know it would do you a lot of good.

Shall I help you to dress?

No, thanks.

You may go.

We've both had quite a day.

Here's to quite a night.

(gentle music)

(audience clapping)

I think, my dear, our duty now consists

in leaving the young people to enjoy themselves

in contemporary rhythm.

I quite agree.

Goodnight, Mr. Whitecliffe.

Goodnight.

(upbeat music)

(bright music)

Sir, we are very pleased to have you with us.

Thank you.

I have heard of your unique presentation at court

and of your visit to the guitar factory.

I assure you, sir, it would please us greatly

if you did in your tongue a hat trick and sang for us.

Really?

Yes.

Delighted.

This way, sir.

Can I have a guitar, please?

Thank you.

Come along, boys and girls.

Come closer.

It is all yours, sir.

Thank you.

♪ Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ♪

♪ Ba ba ba ba ba ♪

♪ You've gotta let your hair down everybody ♪

♪ If you wanna have a time ♪

♪ Let your hair down everybody ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm warning you that I'm gonna let my hair down ♪

♪ Everybody's gotta let it down ♪

♪ Hair down ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Come to the hair down hoedown ♪

♪ Who's that in the corner ♪

♪ What's it all about ♪

♪ Never been known to pick a little wallflower ♪

♪ For it's blossomed out ♪

♪ You gotta let your hair down everybody ♪

♪ Everybody gotta let it down ♪

♪ Party's really swinging ♪

♪ I can see it move ♪

♪ We're all moving outta that rut ♪

♪ And into that well known groove ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm warning you that I'm gonna let my ♪

♪ Hair down everybody gotta let it down ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(audience cheering)

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.

Now sir, scotch, gin, or the old drop of wallop?

I think I'd like to try something local.

Something characteristic.

That is if it's not too strong.

Oh no, this isn't strong at all.

Ah, ah.

(gentle music)

Rather pleasant.

(gentle music)

Very palatable.

Thank you.

(gentle music)

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Oh, sorry, it's my fault.

I shouldn't be wandering around.

Should be dancing.

So should you.

How 'bout it?

I'd be charmed.

(gentle music)

Barman, my dear friend.

Dear friend.

What is the name of this beneficial distillation?

Brandka, sir.

A Ritallan mixture of Brandy and Vodka.

Brandka.

Brandka.

Take a bottle, sir.

A thousands thanks.

Consider me launched.

God bless me and all who sail in me.

(gentle music)

Do you work in the palace?

Yes, I'm a cook.

Really?

What's your favourite dish?

I haven't any.

I just like cooking things up.

What's cooking?

You'd be surprised.

(gentle music)

Hey, what's up?

Just remembered something on the boil.

Must fly.

Forgive me.

Have fun.

(gentle music)

Would you like to dance?

Thank you.

(gentle music)

(audience clapping)

(gentle music)

Do you come here often?

That's what I should ask you.

Well I work here, but I've never seen you around.

No, I'm on a visit.

Oh, anything to do with this Englishman Whitecliffe?

Well, I work for him sort of.

That sounds mysterious.

Is your work secret?

Well it is, but I'm not very good at keeping secrets.

What do you mean?

Believe it or not that sort of depends

on how well we dance together.

(gentle music)

What's your name?

Maria.

Same as the princess.

Oh, there's a quarter of a million Marias

in this country all about the same age as the princess.

What do you call yourself?

Tommy Hudson.

You don't look like a Tommy Hudson somehow.

I seem to have seen you somewhere before.

I must have a double.

How confusing for you.

Not if I know who I am or how I feel.

Do you right now for sure?

Sure I do.

I'm leaving.

You just got here.

This is a horrible dance.

Not what I expected at all.

Leave me alone.

Have I said something?

You said nothing.

Well what do you want me to say?

I like you.

I like to be with you.

We've only just met.

You've never seen me before.

So?

Look, if you don't like me okay.

That's that but say so.

I don't want to.

Well what do you want to say?

Well let's meet again in a couple of hours

in the grounds by the trees.

Yeah but...

You go back to the dance.

But I want to be with you.

In a couple of hours when we've both had time to think.

Time to think, eh?

That's right.

Well think about this.

(gentle music)

Hey Coop.

Come and have a drink.

Don't want a drink.

I'm in enough trouble already.

I wanna talk to you.

Trouble?

Nobody's in trouble.

There's no such thing as trouble.

The word has been abolished and all for the best happiness.

The best of all possible worlds.

Will you listen?

Beautiful music.

Look, I need your help, your advice.

Advice?

Advice?

My advice to you is to have a brandka.

My advice to everybody is to have a brandka.

Cures all ills.

Washes whitest.

Not a stain in sight.

Renews the bloodstream.

Creates friendship.

Brandka is the drink that thirst was invented for.

Coop listen, Maria.

A girl called Maria.

That's it.

Princess.

Got a chill.

We've got to cure her.

Brandka.

Got to pump the princess full of brandka.

Worth a guinea a glass.

I can't believe it.

There must be a good reason.

Oh, there is.

Can't you see?

He found out I wanted nothing to do with him

and this cheap trick at the dance

is to make me think he loves me for myself,

whether I'm a princess or not.

Oh, it makes me sick.

He's just a crude fortune hunting philanderer

and worse he must think I'm an absolute fool

to fall for a cheap swindle like that.

Just a minute.

Did you know he was going to be at the dance?

Yes, my dear, of course.

I was trying to help.

You did.

Thank you.

Without that knowledge, I might have spent

the rest of my life pining for somebody

absolutely cold blooded and worthless.

Now, I never want to see him again.

Never.

But you arranged to meet him all the same.

Why?

I must give him this one chance

just in case there is a good reason.

♪ Oh look it's all ♪

♪ Happening ♪

♪ It's all ♪

♪ I heard 'em say they're giving it away for free ♪

Well have you had time to think?

Have you?

Of course.

And now you can tell me the truth?

Well that depends on...

Well, that's not very encouraging.

No, I know.

I'm not much hand at these pretty speeches,

but if you'll listen I'll have a go.

I've told you before I like you.

I like you a lot.

And I got a feeling you don't exactly

think I'm a dog either.

Well if you do, say so.

It'll save us both a lot of trouble.

I'm sorry.

I need just a little more time

to work out exactly what I think.

You don't understand.

Ever since I met you, I've been in a muddle.

I can't explain.

If you'll only tell me how you feel about me,

I could tell you how.

I just got to know.

You will at our next meeting.

Blimey not another replay.

What's blimey?

It's an expression.

Can't you tell me now, Maria?

At our next meeting, Tommy Hudson.

Wait.

That's what you'll have to do until we meet again.

Where, when?

You'll find out, Tommy Hudson.

(soft music)

What happened?

I went to a dance and I fell in love.

No, please.

This morning I am in no condition to.

Did you say in love?

'Course I did.

Why not?

I can't allow it.

She was beautiful and she was crazy, too, I think,

but she was real beautiful.

You're mad.

Oh, it's impossible.

I warned you.

But you said not to fall for the princess.

I haven't.

It doesn't matter.

It's a complication.

It could be disastrous.

You've got to stop it.

I've got to find her.

I've got to find her.

Find her?

Don't you know where she is?

I don't even know who she is.

I must be going mad.

Oh that drink.

That skull cracking brandka.

Oh.

Tommy.

I beg you.

I ask again, what happened?

She was wonderful just like a dream,

but this is like a nightmare.

You'll have to tell the king who I am.

I've made up my mind.

Oh no.

Sorry, Coop.

You'll just have to cancel everything.

Nothing matters but finding this girl.

But you can't do that.

Exposure, shame, ruin.

Think of the Hon. Tony.

I am thinking about him.

I'm thinking about what he did

to be with the girl that he wanted to be with.

Fair's fair, mate.

Let us be calm.

Let us be quite calm.

(phone ringing)

Yes.

Yes.

No.

Oh now?

Oh yes.

Oh dear.

Oh.

What's up, Coop?

The princess.

She's better.

She wants to see you.

The game's up then.

I'll tell her.

I bet she's no more interested

in this fixed marriage lark than the Honourable Tony.

Where do I meet her?

The throne room.

Bow your head.

Don't look at her 'til she gives you permission.

Protocol?

You're catching on, son, but too late.

Too late.

(soft music)

You may look on us.

Mr. Hudson.

Yes?

Are you quite mad or do you think I am?

How dare you keep up this fantastic pretence now?

It's no pretence.

Here let me get me bearings a minute.

I've got my bearings, Mr. Whitecliffe.

Me name's Tommy Hudson.

You're a cheat and you've been found out.

Cor blooming blimey.

Me name's Tommy Hudson.

You're the dishonourable Anthony Whitecliffe.

Now get out and...

Be quiet.

Let me go.

You're gonna listen.

I'll call a guard.

Call a regiment.

You're gonna listen.

My name is Tommy Hudson.

I was walking along a quiet country road

minding me own business.

♪ All happening ♪

♪ It's all happening ♪

♪ And I heard 'em say they're giving it away for free ♪

♪ Oh look, it's all happening ♪

♪ If you don't believe me ♪

♪ Well take a look, a look see ♪

♪ There's a loving in the air ♪

♪ Like the whole wide world don't care ♪

♪ You can feel it stealing in up on the summer breeze ♪

♪ And if you climb up any tree ♪

♪ Then it's a sure thing to see ♪

♪ That well known mystery the birds and bees ♪

Then I come over with that fellow Cooper.

It's perfect.

The most wonderful thing that could have happened.

Good.

Let's go tell your dad.

No, not yet.

This is an affair of state.

I'm in a state.

What ya scheming now?

You'll have to stay as Tony a little while longer.

Why?

Five minutes before I leave for the cathedral to marry you

then I'll tell everybody who you are.

Why the marriage laws will be laughed out of existence.

Complete victory.

I don't know nothing about these affairs of state,

but what I do know is that where I come from

if a fellow wants to marry a girl,

they go to her dad and lay it on the line.

Come on, let's go and do it.

No and that is my royal command.

Oh.

To disobey is treason.

Here's my seal on it.

Blimey.

We must face the facts, your majesty.

Everyone knows that the princess is feigning illness

because she wants nothing to do with an arranged marriage.

It's early days yet.

Your majesty, the only dignified course of action

is to spare that inoffensive young man

needless embarrassment and terminate his visit as quickly

and diplomatically as possible.

Gentlemen, I have one suggestion to make.

Please.

This unhappy state of affairs arises from an archaic law.

I suggest quite simply that we repeal the royal marriage

and succession act giving the royal family

the elementary right...

Your majesty, this is a constitutional crisis.

Tamper with the constitution, you aggravate the crisis.

Can't you somehow amend the constitution?

(dramatic music)

Abdicate.

(dramatic music)

Gentlemen, the cabinet meeting is ended

and so I think is the constitutional crisis.

(dramatic music)

This is where I used to play when I was a little girl.

I used to sit here for hours daydreaming

about when I grew up how I'd pass a law against loneliness.

It would have been a wonderful law.

It's passed for me.

Come and sit down.

(gentle music)

♪ Princess ♪

♪ If you love me, I'm a prince ♪

♪ Saw you ♪

♪ And I've loved you ever since ♪

♪ Found you ♪

♪ With a crowd around you ♪

♪ Broke the ties that bound you ♪

♪ Stood my ground and now I've crowned you ♪

♪ My princess ♪

♪ Though there's nothing in a name ♪

♪ Others ♪

♪ Would have sounded pretty tame ♪

♪ If you were poorer ♪

♪ I could be no surer ♪

♪ That you're a princess ♪

♪ May I call you princess ♪

♪ If you say you love me ♪

♪ I'm your prince ♪

I've got to speak to you alone, Master Tony.

I have to speak to you alone, your highness.

Okay.

How you feeling now, Coop?

What's on your mind, mate?

Your highness, I must ask you what is the meaning of this?

But it's simple.

I'm going to be his trouble and strife.

His what?

Straight up I am.

His trouble and...

Strife.

Wife.

It's rhyming slang.

The very smartest thing in British society.

You are behind the times.

Your highness, you're destroying our historic plan.

[Maria] There's no need to get into a two and eight.

Two and state?

You're catching on China.

(laughs) China?

China?

Oh, your highness.

Oh, don't take on so Bassy boy.

Everything's going to be all right.

Just you go on up the apples

and take a drop of the old how's your father

and you'll feel better.

Apples?

How's my father?

Princess, your highness, are you all right out here

in the strong sun?

Never felt better, but I would sort of like

to be on my jack for awhile.

Who is Jack?

Oh, Bastini, if only you could see yourself.

I can.

I can.

Only too tragically clearly.

I see a man who has devoted his life

to the service of the people standing on the threshold

of his greatest social reform

when suddenly from a most unexpected quarter,

he is dealt a body blow.

You owe it to posterity to deny your heart in this matter.

I owe it to myself to marry the one I love,

so wish me luck.

I appeal to you, your highness,

to remember our joint plans to repeal the marriage

and succession law if you persist

in sabotaging them by this romance.

We'll still abolish that old rule.

Don't worry.

It'll be even more of a spectacular victory than we planned.

Wait and see.

You'll be surprised.

All right.

I place my trust in you.

And I won't let you down, cock.

But the consequences.

Think of the consequences of this romance.

I am thinking.

Lovely.

Tommy, don't you realise you're an imposter?

Have you noticed the way her nose wrinkles?

You'll be discovered, deported.

Diplomatic complications.

Stern notes between governments, oh.

Her eyes are like great big bowls of treacle.

This might mean war.

We'll have our honeymoon in Margate.

You promised me not to fall in love.

Oh no, she's a princess.

Must remember that.

We'll go to Bournemouth.

Tommy, for heaven's sake.

You'll have to pretend to be ill, paralysed.

No, a sudden attack of insanity.

That's it.

Yes, that's it.

I'll call the palace doctor.

Throw myself entirely at his mercy.

Coop, something bothering you?

Just this.

You simply cannot marry this girl.

Why not?

You know very well why not.

Now come to your senses.

There is no solution for us except to leave at once.

Oh, but there is.

Listen a minute.

(dramatic music)

Magnificent.

Simply magnificent.

I think it'll do the trick.

Sir, may I shake your hand?

Help yourself.

You may leave the detailed arrangements to me.

I shall be proud to undertake them

and I shall be with you at the triumphant end.

Thank you, Cooper.

How's this?

Full dossier required urgently

on Anthony Whitecliffe stop.

Start your investigations immediately stop.

I do not mean stop but start stop, Bastini.

Excellent.

I suspected him from the very beginning.

You never mentioned it.

It was I who took the hint from the princess

and deduced the fantastic but all too possible explanation

that he is an imposter.

She said nothing of the kind.

She only said that you might...

That I would be surprised.

Well it's Maria the independent

who is likely to be surprised now.

Bastini, supposing he's not an imposter at all?

That would be unfortunate for him.

An accident?

That's your department.

But whatever happens, this marriage must not take place.

Look, I still don't like the idea

of us springing it on 'em.

Why don't we tell 'em now?

Oh no, please don't.

But they're going to send these photos all over the world

and they're not of me.

They are of me, but they're not of me.

Don't you see what I mean?

Don't look so worried.

You'll spoil them all.

Let's tell 'em now.

Darling, I want my triumph complete.

Wait for my sake.

Oh all right then.

Aren't you happy?

After all, we are engaged to be married.

Yeah, I know.

So smile.

♪ Photograph my baby ♪

♪ Will she laugh, she's smiling snow ♪

♪ Photographing her is quite a task ♪

♪ Photograph my baby ♪

♪ Try to capture what she's got ♪

♪ Just a shot ♪

♪ That's not a lot to ask ♪

♪ Here comes the bride to be ♪

♪ Bring out your cameras ♪

♪ Well I want her picture close to me ♪

♪ When I'm feeling amorous ♪

♪ Photograph my baby ♪

♪ Comes the day when maybe I'll be with her ♪

♪ On that photograph ♪

♪ Photograph my baby ♪

♪ Will he laugh, he's smiling now ♪

♪ Photographing him is quite a task ♪

♪ Photograph my baby ♪

♪ Try to capture what he's got ♪

♪ Just a shot ♪

♪ That's not a lot to ask ♪

♪ Here comes the groom to be ♪

♪ Bring out your cameras ♪

♪ I want his picture close to me ♪

♪ When I'm feeling amorous ♪

♪ Photograph my baby ♪

♪ Comes the day when maybe I'll be with him ♪

♪ On that photograph ♪

♪ Photograph my baby ♪

♪ Comes the day when maybe I'll be with her ♪

♪ On that extra special ♪

♪ Photograph ♪

(gentle music)

I'll be glad when this do's over.

You've no idea what a weight it'll be off me mind

to be able to... - Sh, sh, sh.

The Duke and Duchess, your parents,

have arrived on the plane.

Oh good.

Would you like to see the before the party, dear?

Oh no, I don't think so.

We don't want to keep the mob waiting, do we?

Very well.

Shall we go in?

(crowd chattering)

(bright music)

My friends, it is inevitable that there should be

a certain air of formality on this occasion,

but I want to dispose with the formality

as quickly as possible so that the warm

and happy reason for our meeting together

can be celebrated in the fullest sense of the word.

So I address you now, not as a monarch,

but as a father charged with one of the happiest duties

that a father can be called upon to perform.

It is to announce that a beloved daughter

has chosen the man she will marry.

Has found true love and happiness.

Thus it will be my pleasure to bid you welcome

into our midst our future son in law,

but first as I warned you one final formality.

Is there anyone among you who knows full

and sufficient reason why Maria, Princess of Ritalla,

should not herewith become betrothed

to the Honourable Anthony Whitecliffe heir...

Your majesty, I've something to tell you first.

What?

Is it this, you fraud?

Your majesty, I have here a dispatch

from our ambassador in London.

Anthony Whitecliffe is already married.

Why didn't the dear boy tell us?

But then who?

This man is at best an intending bigamist

or at worst a downright imposter.

Oh dear.

Sh, I'll miss my cue.

What are you getting so excited about?

I was just going to tell everybody.

Well he wanted to right from the beginning.

I stopped him.

Our princess has been bemused

and our nation very nearly tricked by this common cockney.

I'd rather be any kind of cockney

than your kind of prime minister, mate.

Listen everybody, we want to get married.

There shouldn't be anything to stop us,

but just in case there's anybody that feels

that there should be something before a bloke's name.

You tell 'em, Coop.

Your majesties, your highness, Mr. Prime Minister,

my Lords, ladies and gentlemen.

May I present to you the one and only son

of London's Pearly king and queen, Prince Tommy.

(bright music)

Here come and meet my mum and dad.

Here meet my mum and dad.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

[King] Welcome to Ritalla.

[Queen] How do you do?

[Maria] Hello.

[Pearly King] How do you do?

Ah, Cooper.

Your grace, madam.

May I present Lady Marguerita.

The Duke and Duchess of Whitecliffe.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

I'm pleased to inform you...

Have you done a deal for the cattle?

I have.

A good one?

Fab, your grace.

Fab?

(bright music)

Your majesties.

Your royal highness.

My Lords, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh and Mr. Prime Minister.

♪ Thanks a lot ♪

♪ I've had a ball ♪

♪ And I love you one and all ♪

♪ You've been great and I'll be proud to say ♪

♪ Whatever may befall ♪

♪ Each of you have left a part ♪

♪ Of yourselves inside my heart ♪

♪ And I know somehow if it all ended now ♪

♪ I'd say thanks a lot ♪

♪ Thanks a lot I've had a ball ♪

(upbeat music)

(gentle music)