All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e13.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm not simply going to say,

"And now for something completely
different," this week,

because I do not think
it would fit.

This is a particularly
auspicious occasion

for us this evening,

as we have been told
that Her Majesty the Queen

will be watching part
of this show tonight.

Now we don't know exactly when
Her Majesty will be tuning in.

We understand that at the moment
she is watching The Virginian,

but we have been promised
that we will be informed

the moment that she changes
the channel.

Her Majesty would like everyone
to behave quite normally,

but her equerry has asked me
to request all of you at home

to stand
when the great moment arrives,

although we here in the studio
will be carrying on

with our humorous vignettes
and spoofs in the ordinary way.

Thank you. And now,
without any more ado,

and completely as normal,
here are the opening titles.

[ELGAR'S "POMP
AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING]

[CHURCH CHOIR SINGING]

ANNOUNCER:
The coal miners of Wales

have long been famed
for their tough, rugged life,

hewing the black gold from the
uncompromising hell of one mile under.

This is the story
of such men,

battling gallantly
against floods, roof falls,

the English criminal law,

the hidden killer,
carbon monoxide,

and the ever-present threat
of pneumoconiosis,

which is a disease miners get.

Don't you talk to me
like that, you lying bastard.

Oh, you bleeding pig,

you're not fit
to be down a mine.

Oh, yeah, typical
bleeding Rhondda, isn't it?

You think you're
so bloody clever.

[GROANS]
-All right, okay.

You bloody fighting again?

Break it up or I'l put
this pick through your head.

-Now what's it all about?
-He started it.

Oh, you bleeding pig,
you started it.

I don't care who bloody started it.
What's it about?

Well, he said the bloody
Treaty of Utrecht was 1713.

So, it bloody is.

No, it bloody isn't.

It wasn't ratified
{ill February, 1714.

He's bluffing.

Your mind's gone, Jenkins.
You're rubbish.

He's right, Jenkins.

It was ratified
September, 1713.

The whole bloody pit
knows that.

Look In Trevelyan,
Page 468.

He's thinking of the
Treaty of bloody Westphalia.

Are you saying I don't know
the difference between

the War of bloody
Spanish Succession

and the Thirty bloody
Years' War?

You don't know the difference
between the Battle of Borodino

and a tiger's bum.

Break it up, break it up.

I'm sick of all
this bloody fighting.

[fit's not the bloody
Treaty of Utrecht,

it's the bloody
binomial theorem.

This isn't the senior
common room at All Souls,

it's the bloody coalface.

Hey, gaffer,
can you settle something?

Morgan here says
you find the abacus

between the triglyphs
in the frieze section

of the entablature of
classical Greek Doric temples.

-You bloody fool, Morgan,
that's the metope. -MORGAN: Ah.

The abacus is between
the architrave

and the echinus
in the capital.

You stinking liar!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[BELL RINGING]

[FANFARE PLAYING]

Oh, most magnificent
and merciful Majesty,

master of the universe,
protector of the meek,

whose nose we are not
worthy to pick.

And whose very feces
are an untrammeled delight.

And whose peacocks keep us
awake all hours of the night

with their noisy lovemaking.

We beseech thee,
tell thy humble servants

the name of the section between the
triglyphs in the frieze section

of a classical
Doric entablature.

No idea. Sorry.
-Right. Everybody out!

Still no settlement in the coal
mine dispute at Llanddarog.

Miners refuse
to return to work

until the management
define a metope.

Meanwhile at Dagenham,

the unofficial
strike committee at Fords

have increased their demands
to 13 reasons

why Henry Ill was a bad king.

And finally, in the disgusting objects
international at Wembley tonight,

England beat Spain by a plate of
braised pus to a putrid heron.

And now
the Toad Elevating Moment.

[0]

Good evening.

Well, we have
in the studio tonight

a man who says things
in a very roundabout way.

Isn't that so,
Mr. Pudifoot?

Yes.

Um, have you always said things
in a very roundabout way?

Ha. Well, I can't help noticing

that for someone who claims
to say things

in a very roundabout way,

your last two answers
have had very little

of the discursive quality
about them.

Oh, well,
I'm not very talkative today.

It-- It's a form
of defensive response

to intense
interrogative stimuli.

I used to get it very bad
when I was a boy.

Well, when I say badly,
in fact, uh,

do you remember that fashion they
had for little, you know, poodles--

Oh, now you're beginning
to talk--

You're beginning to talk
in a roundabout way.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no.

Please, do carry on,
because that is, in fact,

why we wanted you
on the show.

I thought it was because you were
interested in me as a human being.

Well, let's move on to our next
guest, who not only lives in Essex,

but also speaks only the
ends of words, Mr. Ohn Ith.

Mr. Ith, good evening.

Od Ing.

Nice to have you
on the show.

lce-00-ee-ere.

Mr. Ith, don't you find it difficult
to make yourself understood?

Yes,
itis extremely difficult.

Just a minute, you're a fraud.

No, I can speak the third and fourth
sentences perfectly normally.

I see. So your next sentence will
be only the ends of words again?

Es-ats-ight.

Well, let's move on to our
next guest, who speaks only

the beginnings of words,
Mr. J Sm.

-Mr. Sm, good evening.
-Go-ev.

Oh, have you two
met before?

Well, this is really
a fascinating occasion

because we have
in the studio Mr. Oh [,

who speaks only
the middles of words.

-Good evening.
-Oo-eni.

And where
do you come from?

Oh-eh-ah.

Dunfermline in Scotland.

Well, let me introduce you,

-Mr. Ohn Ith, Mr. J Sm.
-0d-ing.

-Mr. J Sm.
-Oo-eni.

-Goo-eve.
-0d-ing.

[LAUGHING]
Yes, well, just a moment.

Perhaps you would all Ike
to say "good evening" together.

-Ah! Go
-Oo.

De.
Ee.

Ve.
-Ning.

[WHISTLES]

-Hi there, beautiful.
[GROANS]

[WHIMPERS]

Hi, Bob. Say, what's
the matter with you?

I don't know, Tom,

but girls seem
to avoid me these days.

[MOANS]

Could be bad breath, Bob.

Say, have you tried
using Crelm toothpaste?

Gosh, Tom, do you think
that would help?

You bet your boots it will,
Bob.

Tom was sure right.

Crelm has changed my life.

Hi, girls.

[GOBBLING]

[BURPS]

This table has been treated
with ordinary soap powder,

but these have been treated
with new Fibro-Val.

We put both of them
in our washing machine

and just look
at the difference.

The table is all broken
and smashed,

but the sheets with Fibro-Val
are sparkling clean and white.

[0]

ANNOUNCER:
1 love the surgical garment.

Enjoy the delights

of the Victor Mature
Abdominal Corset.

Sail down the Nile
on the Bleed-it Kosher Truss.

And don't forget
the Hercules Hold-'sm-in,

the all-purpose concrete truss

for the man
with the family hernia.

Well, last week on Fish Club,

we learned how to sex a pike.

Now, this week we're going to
learn how to feed a goldfish.

Now, contrary to what
most people think,

the goldfish
has a ravenous appetite.

If it doesn't get
enough protein,

it gets very thin and
its bones begin to stick out,

and its fins start to
fall off.

So once a week,
give your goldfish

a really good meal.

Here's one
specially recommended

by the board
of imesponsible people.

First, some cold consommé
or gazpacho,

then some sausages
with spring greens,

-sautéed potatoes, bread, gravy--
-That's enough. That's enough.

-That's enough.
[SCREAMS]

ANNOUNCER: The RS.P.CA.
wish it to be known

that that man was not
a bona fide animal lover,

and also that goldfish
do not eat sausages.

-MAN: Treacle tart!
-ANNOUNCER: Shut up.

They are quite happy with
breadcrumbs, ants' eggs and--

Who wrote that?

[0]

-WOMAN: Oh, Charles.
-[CHARLES LAUGHING]

-Oh, Charles. No, no.
-Come on.

-Oh, no.
LAUGHING]

-Please. Please, no.
-Come on.

[WOMAN MUTTERING]
-CHARLES: Oh, Come on.

-Oh, no, Chatles.
-Come on.

-WOMAN: Oh, Charles.
-CHARLES: Oh.

Come on.

-Come on.
WOMAN WHIMPERING]

[CHARLES LAUGHING]
Come on.

WOMAN WHIMPERING}
[CHARLES LAUGHING]

I hope you're enjoying
the show.

ANNOUNCER: Herbert Mental
collects birdwatchers' eggs.

At his home in Surrey
he has a collection

of over 400 of them.

Here now, uh, this is
a very interesting one.

Uh, this is
from a Mr. P.F. Bradshaw.

He is usually found
in Surrey hedgerows,

uh, but I found this one

in the gents'
at St. Pancras, uneaten.

ANNOUNCER: Mr. Mental,
why did you start

collecting birdwatchers' eggs?

Oh, well, uh,
I did it to get on Man Alive.

ANNOUNCER:
Man Alive?

That's right, yes.

Uh, but then
that got all serious,

so I carried on in the hope

of a quick appearance
as an eccentric

on the regional section
of Nationwide.

ANNOUNCER: Mr. Mental, I
believe a couple of years ago

you started to collect
butterfly hunters.

-Uh, butterfly hunters?
-ANNOUNCER: Yes.

Oh, that's right. Here's a couple
of them over here, you see.

Nice little chaps.

But the hobby I enjoyed most
was racing pigeon fanciers.

[ALL COOING)

[ELGAR'S "POMP
AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING]

[ALL COOING)

Dinsdale. Dinsdale.

Is the balloon ready?

Yeah, boss. Coming right up.

Hey. Let's go.

ANNOUNCER:
Monty Python

proudly presents:

[FANFARE PLAYING]

[GIGGLING]

ANNOUNCER:
The...

[0]

Uh, good moming.

I-- I've been
in touch with you

about the, uh,
life insurance.

Ah, yes, uh, did you--
Did you bring the, mmm,

specimen of--
of your, mmm--

-And so on, and so on?
-Uh, yes, I did.

-Uh, it's in the car.
-Good.

There's rather a lot.

Good, good.

Do you really need
12 gallons?

No. No, not really.

-Do you test it?
Ne.

Well, why do you
want it?

Well, we do it to make sure that you're
serious about wanting insurance.

I mean, uh, if you're not, you
won't spend a couple of months

filling up that enormous churn
with, mmm, so on and so on.

Shall I bring it in?

Good Lord, no. Throw it away.

Throw it away?

I was months
filling that thing up.

[DRUMROLL]

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

['GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: And we've just heard
that Her Majesty the Queen

has just tuned
in to this program,

and so she is now watching
this royal sketch

here in this royal set,

The actor on the left
is wearing the great gray suit

of the BBC
Wardrobe Department,

and the other actor
is about to deliver

the first great royal joke
here this royal evening.

Qver to the right you can see

the royal cameraman,
and behind

Oh, we've just heard
she's switched over.

[ALL GROANING]

despite the union's
recommendation

that the strikers
should accept

the second
and third clauses

of the agreement
arrived at last Thursday.

[DRUMROLL AND
"GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]

Today saw the publication

of the McGuffie Commission's
controversial report

on treatment of inpatients
in north London hospitals.

DOCTOR:
Get on parade!

Come on!

We haven't got all day,
have we?

Come on, come on, come on.

[ALL GROANING]

DOCTOR: Hurry up!

Getatit!

Right!

Now, I know some hospitals

where you get the patients
lying around in bed.

Sleeping, resting,

recuperating,

convalescing.

Well, that's not the way
we do things here, right!

No, you won't be
loafing about in bed,

wasting the doctors' time.

You, you horrible
little cripple.

What's the matter with you?

Fractured tibia, sergeant.

"Fractured tibia, sergeant.”

"Fractured tibia, sergeant.”

Proper litle mummy's boy,
aren't we?

Well, I'l tell you something,
my fine friend,

if you fracture a tibia here,
you keep quiet about it!

Look at him!

He's broke both his arms

and he don't go
shouting about it, do he?

No, ‘cause he's a man!

He's a woman, you see,

so don't come with that

broken tibia talk with me!

Get on your feet
at the double!

One, two, three,
pick that crutch up.

Pick that crutch right up!

Right.

Squad, turn!

Squad, right.

Turn!

Squad, by the left,
quick limp!

Come on, pick them up.

Get some air
in those wounds.

Here at St. Pooves,
we believe in ART.

Active Recuperation
Techniques.

We try to help
the patient understand

that however ill he may be,

he can still fulfill
a useful role in society.

Sun lounge please,
Mr. Griffiths.

Well...

I got a triple fracture
of the right leg,

dislocated collarbone,

and multiple head injuries,

so I do most of the heavy work,
like helping the surgeon.

INTERVIEWER:
What does that involve?

Well, at the moment, we're
building him a holiday home.

INTERVIEWER:
What about the nurses?

Oh, well, I don't know
about them.

They're not allowed
to mix with the patients.

INTERVIEWER:
Do all the patients work?

No, no.

The ones that are really ill
do sport.

[0]

ANNOUNCER: Yes, one thing
patients here dread are the runs.

INTERVIEWER:
How are you feeling?

Much better.

[GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

ANNOUNCER: But the patients
are allowed visiting.

And this week they're visiting
an iron foundry at Swindon,

which is crying out
for unskilled labor.

[0]

But this isn't
the only hospital

where doctors' conditions
are improving.

Oh, we have very little
shortage of doctors here.

We have over 40 doctors
per bed--

Patient.

I'll be honest. Bed.

We've every facility here

for dealing with people
who are rich.

We can deal
with a blocked purse,

we can drain
private accounts,

and in the worst cases

we can perform
a total "cashectomy,”

which is total removal
of all moneys

from the patient.

Well, here we try
to help peaple

who have to link
sketches together.

We try to stop them saying, "Have you
ever wondered what it would be like if,"

and instead to say
something like, um...

"And now
the mountaineering sketch."

Oh, haven't written
a mountaineering sketch,

but now over to the exploding
version of the "Blue Danube.”

[PLAYING STRAUS'
"THE BLUE DANUBE]

ANNOUNCER: And now a dormitory
in a girls' public school.

[SNORING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[CLATTERING]

MAN 1:
Hello, Agnes?

Agnes, are you awake?

Agnes?

[MOANING]

[SLAPPING]

MAN: Agnes?

MAN 2: Who is it? Is
that you, Charlie?

MAN 1:
Yeah, Agnes. Where's Jane?

MAN 3:
I'm over here, Charlie.

MAN 1: Jane, we're going
down to raid the tuck shop.

MAN 2: Oh, good-o.
Count me in, girls.

MAN 4:
Can I come too, Agnes?

MAN 1:
Yeah, Joyce.

MAN 5;
And me and Avril?

MAN 3:
Yeah, rather. And Suki.

MAN 4:
Oh, whacko the diddle-oh.

MAN 1: Table it, girls,
here comes Miss Rodgers.

Allright, girls.

Now stop this tomfoolery
and get back into bed.

Remember it's the big match
at St. Bridget's tomorrow.

Yes, on your screen tomorrow,

The Naughtiest Girl
in the School,

starring the men
of the 14th Marine Commandos.

And now it's documentary time,

when we look at
the momentous last years

of the Second World War.

And tonight
the invasion of Normandy,

performed by the girls
of Oakdene High School,

Upper Fifth Science.

MAN:
Come on, come on, come on.

[ALL SQUEALING]

Oh, it's still raining.

I'm going
down the shops.

Oh, be a dear
and get me some ratsbane

for the budgie's boil.

Otherwise,
I'l put your eyes out.

Aye, aye,
captain.

WOMAN:
Calling torpedo bay.

Hi, torpedo bay.

She said torpedo bay.

Yes, she did, she did.

Yes, she said torpedo bay.
She did, she did.

Hello, this is
Lieutenant Edale here.

Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's got
one of her headaches again,

so! put her
in the torpedo tube.

Roger, Mrs. Edale,

stand by
to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.

Stand by to fire
Mrs. Nesbitt.

Standing by to fire
Mrs. Nesbitt.

Red alert,
put the kettle on.

Kettle on.

Engine room,
stand by to feed the cat.

Standing by
fo feed the cat.

Fire, Mrs. Nesbitt!

Oh, that's much better.

MAN: "As an admiral who
came up through the ranks

more times than you've had
hot dinners,

1 wish to join my husband,
Admiral O.W.A. Giveaway,

in condemning
this shoddy misrepresentation

of our modern navy.

The British Navy
is one of the finest

and most attractive

and butchest fighting forces
in the world.

1 ove those white
flared trousers

and the feel
of rough blue serge

on those pert little buttocks.

I'm afraid we are unable
to show you

any more of that letter.

We continue with a man
with a stoat through his head.

And now:

Still no sign of land.

How long is it?

That's rather
a personal question, sir.

You stupid git.

I meant how long
we've been in the lifeboat.

You've spoiled
the atmosphere now.

-I'm sorry.
-Shut up!

We'll have
to start again.

Still no sign of land.

How long is it?

Thirty-three days, sir.

Thirty-three days.

I don't think
we can hold cut longer.

-I don't think I did spoil
the atmosphere. -Shut up!

I'm sorry,
I don't think I did.

Of course you did.

Do you think I spoiled
the atmosphere?

Well, I-- I think you--
-Look, shut up! Shut up!

[COUGHING]

Still no sign of land.

How long is it?

Thirty-three days.

Have we started again? Oh!

Still no sign of land.

How long is it?

-Thirty-three days, sir.
-Thirty-three days?

Yes. We can't hold out
much longer.

We haven't had any food
since the fifth day.

We're done for,
we're done for!

Shut up, Maudling!

We've just gotta
keep hoping

someone will find us.

How are you feeling,
captain?

Not so good.

I feel so weak.

HODGES: We can't hold
out much longer.

[COUGHING]

Listen, chaps,
there's one last chance.

I'm done for,
I've got a gammy leg,

and I'm going fast,
I'l never get through, but--

some of you might.

So you'd better eat me.

Eat you, sir?

Yes. Eat me.

[GROANS]

With a gammy leg?

You don't have to eat
the leg, Thompson,

there's still plenty
of good meat.

Look at that arm.

It's not
just the leg, sir.

What do you mean?

Well, sir,
it's just that--

Why don't you want
to eat me?

I'd rather eat
Johnson, sir.

Oh, so would I,
sir.

I see.

Oh, well, that's settled.
Everyone eats me.

Well, I, um...
What, sir?

No, no, you go ahead,
Iwon't...

Nonsense, nonsense, sir,
you're starving. Tuck in!

No, it's--
It's not just that.

What's the matter
with Johnson, sir?

Well, he's not kosher.

Depends how
we kill him, sir.

Yes, yes, I see that,

but, um, well,
to be quite frank,

I like my meat
alittle more lean.

I'd rather eat Hodges.

Oh, well, all right.

No, I'd still prefer
to eat Johnson.

I wish you'd stop bickering
and eat me.

I tell you what.

Why don't those of us
who want to eat Johnson,

then you, sir, can eat my leg,

and then we can make
a stock of the captain,

and then after that we can eat

the rest of Johnson
cold for supper?

-Good thinking, Hodges.
-We'll finish off with peaches.

And we can start off
with the avocados.

Waitress!

Waitress,
we've decided now.

We're going to have
a leg of Hodges.

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

MAN: Dear sir, [ am glad to
hear that your studio audience

disapproves of the fast skit
as strongly as I.

As a naval officer,
1 abhor the implication

that the Royal Navy
is a haven for cannibalism.

It is well known
that we now have the problem

relatively under control,

and that it's the RAF
who now suffer

the largest casualties
in this area.

And what do you think
the Argylls ate in Aden?

Arabs?

Yours ef cefera,
Captain B.J. Smethwick,

in a white wine sauce
with shallots,

mushrooms and garlic.

[CHOMPING]

MAN:
Stop it. Stop it!

Stop this cannibalism!

Let's have a sketch about
clean, decent human beings.

[RINGING]

-Good morning.
-Ah, good morning.

What will I do
for you, squire?

Well, uh, I wonder
if you can help me.

Um, you see,
my mother has just died.

Oh, yeah, we can help you.

-We deal with stiffs.
What?

Well, there are three things
we can do with your mother:

We can burn her,
bury her or dump her.

Dump her?

-Dump her in the Thames.
“What?!

-Oh, did you like her?
-Yes.

Oh, we won't dump her, then.
Well, what do you think?

We can bury her or burn her.

Well, uh, which
do you recommend?

Well, they're both nasty.

Uh, if we bum her, she gets
stuffed in the flames.

Crackle, crackle, crackle.

Which is a bit of a shock if
she's not quite dead, but quick.

Then we give you
a handful of ashes,

-which you can pretend were hers.
-Oh.

Or if we bury her,

she gets eaten up by lots
of weevils and nasty maggots

which, as I said before,

is a bit of a shock
if she's not quite dead.

I see.

Well, she's, uh--
She's definitely dead.

Where is she?
-Oh, she's in this sack.

Can I have a look?

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

She looks quite young.

Yes. Yes, she was.

-Fred?
-FRED: Yeah?

I think we've got an eater.

[AUDIENCE BOOS]
“What?

-Il get the oven on.
Right.

Uh, excuse me, um, are you--?
Are?

Are you suggesting...
eating my mother?

[AUDIENCE SHOUTS]

-Yeah. Not raw, cooked.
What?

You know, roasted,
a few French fries,

broccoli,
horseradish sauce.

MAN:
That's nasty.

Well, I-- I do feel
a bit peckish.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Great!

Can we have
some parsnips?

Fred, get some parsnips!

I really don't think
I should.

Look, tell you what.

We'll eat her,

if you feel a bit guilty
about it afterwards,

we can dig a grave
and you can throw up in it.

[AUDIENCE ROARS]

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

['GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]