All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e10.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[SEAGULL CAWING FADES]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SLOWLY HUMMING
"LA MARSEILLAISE"]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Ah.

[CHUCKLING]

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ah.

[GROANS]

Ah. Ha-ha.

Brian Distel and
Brianette Zatapathique there

in an improvised scene

from Jean Kenneth Longueur's
new movie,

Le Fromage Grand.

Brian and Brianette
symbolize

the breakdown
in communications

in our modern society
in this exciting new film.

And Longueur is saying to us,
his audience:

"Go on, protest.
Do something about it.

Assault the manager.
Demand your money back."

Later on in the film,

in a brilliantly conceived
montage,

Longueur mercilessly
exposes

the violence
underlying our society,

when Brian and Brianette
again meet

on yet another rubbish dump.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Ah.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[TICKING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

Pretty strong meat there
from Longueur,

who is saying, of course,
that ultimately, materialism--

in this case,
the Webb's Wonder lettuce

--must destroy us all.

That was for O. Simon,
K. Simon,

P. Simon
and R. Sparrow of Leicester.

Later on, we're
going to take a look

at John Wayne's latest movie,

Buckets of Blood Pouring
Out of People's Heads.

But now, we look ahead.

On Tuesday, Chris Conger
took a BBC film unit

to the location where
20th Century Vole

are shooting their latest
epic, Scott of the Antarctic.

[MAN]
Sea, sand and sunshine

make Paignton the queen
of the English Riviera.

But for the next six months,
this sleepy Devonshire resort

will be transformed
into the blizzard-swept wastes

of the South Pole.

For today, shooting
starts on the epic,

Scott of the Antarctic,

produced by
Gerry Schlick.

Hello.

Gerry, you chose Paignton
as the location for Scott

Right, right.

Isn't it a bit of a drawback
that there's no snow here?

Well, we have 28,000
cubic feet of Wintrex,

which is a new
white foam rubber,

which actually, on-screen,

looks more like snow than
Snow.

And 1600 cubic U.S. furlongs
of white paint

with a special snow finish.

And I believe Kirk Vil
is playing the title role.

That is correct.

We were very thrilled
and honored

when Kirk agreed to play
the part of Lieutenant Scott.

Because a star of his
magnitude can pick and choose.

But he read the title
and just flipped.

And directing, we have a very
fine young British director,

James McRettin,

who's been collaborating
on the screenplay, of course.

- Jimmy.
- Oh. There you are.

Hello. Hello. No problem.
Have a drink. Have a drink.

Oh. Great. Hello.
Marvelous. Marvelous. Hello.

Rewrite. Oh,
this is really great.

I mean, it's really saying
something, don't you think?

Have you started
shooting yet?

Yes, yes.
Great. Perfect.

No, no, we haven't started
yet. No. But great, great.

What is
the first scene

that you shoot
this morning?

Great. Terrific.

Oh, it's great. Uh, no problem.
We'll sort it out on the floor.

Sort it out on the floor.
No problem.

This fim is
basically pro-humanity

and anti-bad things.

And it rips aside
the hypocritical facade

of our society's
gin and tonic,

and leaves a lot of sacred
cows rolling around in agony.

Have a drink,
have a drink.

Uh, but which scene are
we shooting first, Jimmy?

Yes. Great.

Oh, marvelous.

Well, which scene
are we shooting first?

Why, it's scene one.
Scene one.

Scene one. It's
in the middle of the movie.

Well, itis now.
I rewrote it.

Besides, uh,
I thought we cut that.

Didn't we cut--?

- No, we didn't.
- We didn't?

Oh, great, that's even better.
I'l put it back in.

Uh, rewrite.
Scene one's back in, everyone.

Scene one's back in.
Great. Great.

This is the scene
that's outside the tent.

Ah! And it's so bloody
marvelous,

it makes you wanna
throw up.

Now, in this scene,

Lieutenant Scott returns
to camp in the early moming

after walking
the huskies,

to have brunch
with the rest of his team.

Qates, played by your very own
lovely Terence Lemming,

who Is an English
cockney officer,

seconded to
the U.S. Navy,

and Bowers, played by
Seymour Fortescue,

the Olympic
pole-vaulter.

Hi, lieutenant.

Hi, Oatesy.

Sure is a beautiful
day already.

Great. Great.

What? What? What are
you saying?

I was just saying
"Great, great."

Cue Evans.

[GERRY] And this is Vanilla
Hoare as Miss Evans.

- Miss Evans?
- [GERRY] Right.

Good morning,
Miss Evans.

Oh. I've forgotten my line.

- Uh, what's her line?
-[CLAPS]

What's her line?

"Good morning,
Captain Scott."

Oh, yeah.

Good...morning, Capt--

Oh. I'm just not really

very happy
with that line.

Could I just say,
"Hi, Scottie"?

Great. Great.
Rewrite. Cue.

Hi, Scarrie. Oh. Sorry.

Hi, Stocky.

Oh. I'm sorry again.

Oh, Jim,

I'm just unhappy
with this line.

Hey, can l doit
all sort of kooky, like this?

[OVEREXCITED]
Hi, Scottie!

Great. We'll
shoot it.

Are you sure
that's right?

Oh, it's great.

[GERRY]
Jim.

- Jim.
-[CLAPS)

Jim. J- Oh, me.

Uh, Jim, I feel
we may be

running into
some problems here

inthe area
of height.

Great, where are they?

Where are who?

I dunno, I was
geting confused.

- Jim.
- Great.

I feel here
that Scott may be

too tall in the area
of height,

with reference to Vanilla,
who is too near the ground,

in the area of being
too short at this time.

Great.

Oh, I know. I'm gonna
dig a pit for Scott

and put a box
in Vanilla's trench.

Say. Why don't I take
the boxes off,

and Vanilla get up
out of the trench?

Wouldn't work.

It's even better.
Great. Rewrite.

[VANILLA]
What was that?

Oh, it's easy.
I've worked it out.

Uh, Scott takes
his boxes off,

and you don't stand
in the trench.

I say my lines
out of the trench?

Even better. Great.

But I've never acted
out of a trench.

I might fall over.
It's dangerous.

Oh, well,
could you just try it?

Look, you crumb-bum,
I'm a star.

Star, star, star.

I don't get a million dollars
to act out of a trench.

I played Miss John
the Baptist in a trench.

And I played Miss Napoleon
Bonaparte in a trench.

And I played Miss Alexander
Fleming in a furrow.

So if you want this scene
played out of a trench,

well, you just get yourself
a goddamn stuntman.

Heh.

I played Miss Galileo
in a groove.

And I played
Mrs. Jesus Christ

in a geological
syncline.

So don't tell me
how to act.

I know
how to act.

I know how to act...

Great.
Uh, great, great, everyone.

Uh, lunch now. Lunch.
It's all in the can.

Good morning's work.

[GERRY] But you
haven't done a shot.

I'm just keeping
morale up.

Now this afternoon,
we're gonna shoot the scene

where, uh, Scott
gets off the boat

onto the ice floe,
and he sees the lion.

And he fights it
and he kills it,

And the blood goes...

fsss...

In slow motion.

But-- But there aren't
any lions in the Antarctic.

What?

There aren't any lions
in the Antarctic.

You're right. There are
no lions in the Antarctic.

That's ridiculous.

Whoever heard of a lion
in the Antarctic?

Right. Lose the lion.

Got to keep the lion.
It's great.

Lose
the lion.

Great. We're losing the lion.
Rewrite.

Say, what's this about,
uh, losing the lion?

Uh, w-well, Kirk,

we-- We thought
perhaps we might, uh,

lose the fight with the lion
alittle bit, Kirk angel.

Why?!

Uh, well,
Kirkie doll,

there are no lions
in the Antarctic, baby.

I get to fight
the lion!

Itd be silly.

Listen! I gotta
fight the lion.

That's what that guy
Scott's all about.

I know.
I studied him already.

But why couldn't
you fight a penguin?

Great!

Fight a rotten
little penguin?

It needn't be
alittle penguin.

It can be the biggest penguin
you've ever seen.

An electric penguin,
20 feet high,

with long, green tentacles
that sting people.

And you can stab it
in the wings,

and the blood
can go spurting...

pshh...
In slow motion.

The lion is
in the contract.

He fights
the lion.

Even better. Great!
Have a drink.

Hey, lose the penguin.
Stand by to shoot.

Where do they have
lions?

Africa.

That's it. Scott's in Africa.
As many lions as we need.

Great.

Scott's looking for a pole
no one else knows about.

That ties in
with the sand. Right.

Paint the sand
yellow again.

Okay, let's get
this show on the road.

Scott of the Sahara.

[0]

[NARRATOR] Booming out
of the pages of history

comes a story of three men
and one woman

whose courage
shocked a generation.

From the same team
that brought you...

[READING]

and...

comes the story of three
people

and a woman united by fate

who set out
in search of the fabled

Pole of the Sahara
and found...

themselves.

See Lisutenant Scott's
death-struggle

with a crazed desert lion.

[LION ROARING]

[SPITS]

[GROWLING]

[NARRATOR] See Ensign Oates"
frank, adult death-struggle

with the spine-chilling,
giant electric penguin.

[METALLIC SQUEAL]

Oh. Ahh!

[SCREAMING, GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Ha!

See Miss Evans pursued

by the man-eating
roll-top writing desk.

[SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS]

[PANTING]

[TEETH CHOMPING]

[GASPS]

[SCREECHES]

And now for something
completely different.

Its...

[0]

[NARRATOR] Monty
Python's Flying Circus.

[FARTING NOISES]

[MAN]
Hello.

Tired of the sounds
of dancing feet?

Then listen to the sounds
of dancing teeth.

Yes, mothers,

it's time, once again,
for Conrad Poohs

and his dancing teeth.

[0]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[0]

Excuse me,
I'd like to make a correction.

Conrad is, in fact, holding
a letter, not a telegram.

Thank you.

[0]

[SUCKING]

Five pence,
please.

Excuse me,
I would like to

buy a fish
license, please.

[SIGHS]

The man's sign
must be wrong.

I have, in the past,
noticed a marked discrepancy

between these
post-office signs

and the activities
carried out beneath.

But soft, let us
see how Dame Fortune

smiles upon
my next postal adventure.

Hello.

I would like to buy
a fish license, please.

A what?

A license for
my pet fish, Eric.

How do you know
my name is Eric?

No, no, no.
My fish's name is Eric.

Eric the fish.
He's an halibut.

He's a what?

He is an halibut.

You've got a pet
halibut?

Yes. I chose him
out of thousands.

Didn't like the others.
They were all too flat.

You're a loony.

I'am not a loony.

Why should I be tarred
with the epithet "loony"

merely because
I have a pet halibut?

I've heard tell
that Sir Gerald Nabarro

has a pet prawn
called Simon,

and you wouldn't call
Sir Gerald a loony, would you?

Furthermore, Dawn Palethorpe,
the lady showjumper

had a clam called Sir Stafford,
after the late chancellor.

Alan Bullock has two pikes,
both called Norman.

And the late, great
Marcel Proust had an haddock.

If you're calling the author

of A la recherche
du temps perdu a loony,

I shall have to ask you
to step outside.

Allright, all right,
all right.

You want a license?

- Yes.
- For a fish?

Yes.

You are a loony.

Look, it's a bleeding pet,
isn't it?

I've got a license
for me pet dog, Eric,

and I've got a license
for me pet cat, Eric.

You don't need
a license for a cat.

You bleeding well do,
and I got one. Ho-ho!

You're not
catching me out there.

There is no such thing
as a bloody cat license.

Yes, there is.

No, there isn't.

ls.

-ls.
- Isn't.

-ls.
- Isn't.

ls.

Isn't.

ls.

Isn't.

What's that, then?

That is a dog license with
the word "dog" crossed out

and the word "cat"
written in in crayon.

Well, the man didn't
have the proper form.

What man?

The man from
the cat-detector van.

Loony-detector van,
you mean.

Look, it's people like you
what causes unrest.

Allright,
what cat-detector van?

The cat-detector van
from the Ministry of Housinge.

Housinge?

Yes, it was spelt that way
on the van.

I'm very observant.

I've never seen so many
aerials in me life.

The man told me their
equipment

could pinpoint a purr
at 400 yards.

And Eric,
being such a happy cat,

was a piece of cake.

How much did this cost?

Sixty quid. And 8 guineas
for the fruit bat.

What fruit bat?

Eric the fruit bat.

Are all your pets called Eric?

There's nothing so odd
about that.

Kemal Ataturk had an entire
menagerie all called Abdul.

No, he didn't.

Did, he did, he did,
he did and did.

There you are:

Kemal Ataturk: The Man
by E.W. Swanton

with a foreword
by Paul Anka.

Page 91, please.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, I owe you an apology, sir.

Spoken like a gentleman.

Now, are you gonna give me
this fish license?

I promise you
there is no such thing.

You don't need one.

Then I would like a statement
to that effect

signed by the Lord Mayor.

[FANFARE PLAYS]

You're in luck.

[NARRATOR]
And now, there is the mayor.

Surely the third-tallest mayor
in Derby's history.

And there are the aldermen,

magnificently resplendent
in their aldermanic hose.

And just fook at the power
in those thighs.

The New Zealanders are gonna
find it pretty tough going

in the set pieces
in the second half.

So Dawn Palethorpe with one
clear round on Sir Gerald.

And now the mayor has reached

the great customer,
Mr. Eric Praline.

And now,
the mayoral human being

fakes the mayoral pen
in his mayoral hand.

And watched by
the Lady Mayoress,

who, of course,
scored that magnificent try

in the first half,
signs the fishy exemption.

And the great customer,
Mr. Eric Praline,

who is understandably awed
by the magnificence

and even the absurdity
of this great occasion here

at Cardiff Arms Park,

has finally gone spare.

And there is
the going-sparal look

on the front of his head.

And now, the aldermen
are finishing their oranges

and leaving the post office

for the start
of the second half.

And here come
the Derby Council XV

following the All Blacks
out onto the pitch.

Uh, there, at the--
In the center of the pitch,

you can see Dawn Palethorpe
on Sir Gerald--

One of the fastest wingers
we must have seen this season.

On the feft,
the Lord Mayor's been running

such wonderful possession for
Derby Council in the lines-out.

And it's the, uh,
All Blacks to kick off.

Uh, Wilson to kick off.
Oh, and can see there,

the chairman of the Byways
and Highways Committee,

who's obviously recovered
from that very nasty blow

he got in the first half.
And, uh, Wilson kicks off.

And it's-- Town clerk's taken
the ball beautifully there.

The All Blacks
are up on it very fast,

and-- And the whistle
has gone.

I'm not sure
what happened there,

I couldn't ses,
but there's a scrumdown.

[think it's
an All Blacks' ball.

They were up on them
very fast.

Obviously, they're gonna try
very hard in this half

fo wipe out
this five-point deficit.

Derby Council,
eight points and three up.

And, uh, Derby Council have
got the ball against the head.

There is the borough surveyor,
the scrum half is up.

The chairman of the Highway
and Byway Committee's

kicked for touch.
The line-out, and it's--

And the mayor-- The mayor
has got the ball again.

To the borough surveyor,

He's left-out
the medical officer of health.

Straight along the line,

and the Lady Mayoress
is gonna go through.

Number two has missed her.

Only the fullback to beat.
And she has scored.

The Lady Mayoress has scored.
if's 11 points fo 3.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Cliff, this must have been
a very disappointing result

for the All Blacks.

Well, they've had very bad
luck on their tour so far.

In fact, they missed
four very easy kicks

against the Exeter
Amateur Operatic Society,

which must have
cost them the match.

And then, of course, there was
that crippling defeat

at the hands of the Derry ♪
Toms Soft Toy Department.

So I don't think they can
be fancying their chances

against the London Pooves
on Saturday.

And what about
China?

Well, whether Mao Zedong
is alive or not,

Lin Biao has a stranglehold
on the Central Committee

which Lin Shao-Chi
can't break.

So it remains to be seen

whether Zhou Enlai can
really get his finger out

and get going
in the second half.

Well, thank you,
Cliff.

Tonight's other
outstanding match

was the semifinal between
the Bournemouth Gynecologists

and the Watford Long John
Silver Impersonators.

We bring you edited highlights
of the match.

[PIRATES SHOUTING]

[PIRATES SHOUTING]

Well, that's it for tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.

But remember, If you've
enjoyed watching this show

just half as much
as we've enjoyed doing it,

then we've enjoyed it
twice as much as you.

Ha-ha-ha.

[0]