Original subtitles

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[SEAGULL CAWING FADES]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SLOWLY HUMMING "LA MARSEILLAISE"]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Ah.

[CHUCKLING]

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ah.

[GROANS]

Ah. Ha-ha.

Brian Distel and Brianette Zatapathique there

in an improvised scene

from Jean Kenneth Longueur's new movie,

Le Fromage Grand.

Brian and Brianette symbolize

the breakdown in communications

in our modern society in this exciting new film.

And Longueur is saying to us, his audience:

"Go on, protest. Do something about it.

Assault the manager. Demand your money back."

Later on in the film,

in a brilliantly conceived montage,

Longueur mercilessly exposes

the violence underlying our society,

when Brian and Brianette again meet

on yet another rubbish dump.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Ah.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

[TICKING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

Pretty strong meat there from Longueur,

who is saying, of course, that ultimately, materialism--

in this case, the Webb's Wonder lettuce

--must destroy us all.

That was for O. Simon, K. Simon,

P. Simon and R. Sparrow of Leicester.

Later on, we're going to take a look

at John Wayne's latest movie,

Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads.

But now, we look ahead.

On Tuesday, Chris Conger took a BBC film unit

to the location where 20th Century Vole

are shooting their latest epic, Scott of the Antarctic.

[MAN] Sea, sand and sunshine

make Paignton the queen of the English Riviera.

But for the next six months, this sleepy Devonshire resort

will be transformed into the blizzard-swept wastes

of the South Pole.

For today, shooting starts on the epic,

Scott of the Antarctic,

produced by Gerry Schlick.

Hello.

Gerry, you chose Paignton as the location for Scott

Right, right.

Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no snow here?

Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Wintrex,

which is a new white foam rubber,

which actually, on-screen,

looks more like snow than Snow.

And 1600 cubic U.S. furlongs of white paint

with a special snow finish.

And I believe Kirk Vil is playing the title role.

That is correct.

We were very thrilled and honored

when Kirk agreed to play the part of Lieutenant Scott.

Because a star of his magnitude can pick and choose.

But he read the title and just flipped.

And directing, we have a very fine young British director,

James McRettin,

who's been collaborating on the screenplay, of course.

- Jimmy. - Oh. There you are.

Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink.

Oh. Great. Hello. Marvelous. Marvelous. Hello.

Rewrite. Oh, this is really great.

I mean, it's really saying something, don't you think?

Have you started shooting yet?

Yes, yes. Great. Perfect.

No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great, great.

What is the first scene

that you shoot this morning?

Great. Terrific.

Oh, it's great. Uh, no problem. We'll sort it out on the floor.

Sort it out on the floor. No problem.

This fim is basically pro-humanity

and anti-bad things.

And it rips aside the hypocritical facade

of our society's gin and tonic,

and leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony.

Have a drink, have a drink.

Uh, but which scene are we shooting first, Jimmy?

Yes. Great.

Oh, marvelous.

Well, which scene are we shooting first?

Why, it's scene one. Scene one.

Scene one. It's in the middle of the movie.

Well, itis now. I rewrote it.

Besides, uh, I thought we cut that.

Didn't we cut--?

- No, we didn't. - We didn't?

Oh, great, that's even better. I'l put it back in.

Uh, rewrite. Scene one's back in, everyone.

Scene one's back in. Great. Great.

This is the scene that's outside the tent.

Ah! And it's so bloody marvelous,

it makes you wanna throw up.

Now, in this scene,

Lieutenant Scott returns to camp in the early moming

after walking the huskies,

to have brunch with the rest of his team.

Qates, played by your very own lovely Terence Lemming,

who Is an English cockney officer,

seconded to the U.S. Navy,

and Bowers, played by Seymour Fortescue,

the Olympic pole-vaulter.

Hi, lieutenant.

Hi, Oatesy.

Sure is a beautiful day already.

Great. Great.

What? What? What are you saying?

I was just saying "Great, great."

Cue Evans.

[GERRY] And this is Vanilla Hoare as Miss Evans.

- Miss Evans? - [GERRY] Right.

Good morning, Miss Evans.

Oh. I've forgotten my line.

- Uh, what's her line? -[CLAPS]

What's her line?

"Good morning, Captain Scott."

Oh, yeah.

Good...morning, Capt--

Oh. I'm just not really

very happy with that line.

Could I just say, "Hi, Scottie"?

Great. Great. Rewrite. Cue.

Hi, Scarrie. Oh. Sorry.

Hi, Stocky.

Oh. I'm sorry again.

Oh, Jim,

I'm just unhappy with this line.

Hey, can l doit all sort of kooky, like this?

[OVEREXCITED] Hi, Scottie!

Great. We'll shoot it.

Are you sure that's right?

Oh, it's great.

[GERRY] Jim.

- Jim. -[CLAPS)

Jim. J- Oh, me.

Uh, Jim, I feel we may be

running into some problems here

inthe area of height.

Great, where are they?

Where are who?

I dunno, I was geting confused.

- Jim. - Great.

I feel here that Scott may be

too tall in the area of height,

with reference to Vanilla, who is too near the ground,

in the area of being too short at this time.

Great.

Oh, I know. I'm gonna dig a pit for Scott

and put a box in Vanilla's trench.

Say. Why don't I take the boxes off,

and Vanilla get up out of the trench?

Wouldn't work.

It's even better. Great. Rewrite.

[VANILLA] What was that?

Oh, it's easy. I've worked it out.

Uh, Scott takes his boxes off,

and you don't stand in the trench.

I say my lines out of the trench?

Even better. Great.

But I've never acted out of a trench.

I might fall over. It's dangerous.

Oh, well, could you just try it?

Look, you crumb-bum, I'm a star.

Star, star, star.

I don't get a million dollars to act out of a trench.

I played Miss John the Baptist in a trench.

And I played Miss Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench.

And I played Miss Alexander Fleming in a furrow.

So if you want this scene played out of a trench,

well, you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman.

Heh.

I played Miss Galileo in a groove.

And I played Mrs. Jesus Christ

in a geological syncline.

So don't tell me how to act.

I know how to act.

I know how to act...

Great. Uh, great, great, everyone.

Uh, lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can.

Good morning's work.

[GERRY] But you haven't done a shot.

I'm just keeping morale up.

Now this afternoon, we're gonna shoot the scene

where, uh, Scott gets off the boat

onto the ice floe, and he sees the lion.

And he fights it and he kills it,

And the blood goes...

fsss...

In slow motion.

But-- But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic.

What?

There aren't any lions in the Antarctic.

You're right. There are no lions in the Antarctic.

That's ridiculous.

Whoever heard of a lion in the Antarctic?

Right. Lose the lion.

Got to keep the lion. It's great.

Lose the lion.

Great. We're losing the lion. Rewrite.

Say, what's this about, uh, losing the lion?

Uh, w-well, Kirk,

we-- We thought perhaps we might, uh,

lose the fight with the lion alittle bit, Kirk angel.

Why?!

Uh, well, Kirkie doll,

there are no lions in the Antarctic, baby.

I get to fight the lion!

Itd be silly.

Listen! I gotta fight the lion.

That's what that guy Scott's all about.

I know. I studied him already.

But why couldn't you fight a penguin?

Great!

Fight a rotten little penguin?

It needn't be alittle penguin.

It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen.

An electric penguin, 20 feet high,

with long, green tentacles that sting people.

And you can stab it in the wings,

and the blood can go spurting...

pshh... In slow motion.

The lion is in the contract.

He fights the lion.

Even better. Great! Have a drink.

Hey, lose the penguin. Stand by to shoot.

Where do they have lions?

Africa.

That's it. Scott's in Africa. As many lions as we need.

Great.

Scott's looking for a pole no one else knows about.

That ties in with the sand. Right.

Paint the sand yellow again.

Okay, let's get this show on the road.

Scott of the Sahara.

[0]

[NARRATOR] Booming out of the pages of history

comes a story of three men and one woman

whose courage shocked a generation.

From the same team that brought you...

[READING]

and...

comes the story of three people

and a woman united by fate

who set out in search of the fabled

Pole of the Sahara and found...

themselves.

See Lisutenant Scott's death-struggle

with a crazed desert lion.

[LION ROARING]

[SPITS]

[GROWLING]

[NARRATOR] See Ensign Oates" frank, adult death-struggle

with the spine-chilling, giant electric penguin.

[METALLIC SQUEAL]

Oh. Ahh!

[SCREAMING, GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Ha!

See Miss Evans pursued

by the man-eating roll-top writing desk.

[SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS]

[PANTING]

[TEETH CHOMPING]

[GASPS]

[SCREECHES]

And now for something completely different.

Its...

[0]

[NARRATOR] Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[FARTING NOISES]

[MAN] Hello.

Tired of the sounds of dancing feet?

Then listen to the sounds of dancing teeth.

Yes, mothers,

it's time, once again, for Conrad Poohs

and his dancing teeth.

[0]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[0]

Excuse me, I'd like to make a correction.

Conrad is, in fact, holding a letter, not a telegram.

Thank you.

[0]

[SUCKING]

Five pence, please.

Excuse me, I would like to

buy a fish license, please.

[SIGHS]

The man's sign must be wrong.

I have, in the past, noticed a marked discrepancy

between these post-office signs

and the activities carried out beneath.

But soft, let us see how Dame Fortune

smiles upon my next postal adventure.

Hello.

I would like to buy a fish license, please.

A what?

A license for my pet fish, Eric.

How do you know my name is Eric?

No, no, no. My fish's name is Eric.

Eric the fish. He's an halibut.

He's a what?

He is an halibut.

You've got a pet halibut?

Yes. I chose him out of thousands.

Didn't like the others. They were all too flat.

You're a loony.

I'am not a loony.

Why should I be tarred with the epithet "loony"

merely because I have a pet halibut?

I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro

has a pet prawn called Simon,

and you wouldn't call Sir Gerald a loony, would you?

Furthermore, Dawn Palethorpe, the lady showjumper

had a clam called Sir Stafford, after the late chancellor.

Alan Bullock has two pikes, both called Norman.

And the late, great Marcel Proust had an haddock.

If you're calling the author

of A la recherche du temps perdu a loony,

I shall have to ask you to step outside.

Allright, all right, all right.

You want a license?

- Yes. - For a fish?

Yes.

You are a loony.

Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it?

I've got a license for me pet dog, Eric,

and I've got a license for me pet cat, Eric.

You don't need a license for a cat.

You bleeding well do, and I got one. Ho-ho!

You're not catching me out there.

There is no such thing as a bloody cat license.

Yes, there is.

No, there isn't.

ls.

-ls. - Isn't.

-ls. - Isn't.

ls.

Isn't.

ls.

Isn't.

What's that, then?

That is a dog license with the word "dog" crossed out

and the word "cat" written in in crayon.

Well, the man didn't have the proper form.

What man?

The man from the cat-detector van.

Loony-detector van, you mean.

Look, it's people like you what causes unrest.

Allright, what cat-detector van?

The cat-detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.

Housinge?

Yes, it was spelt that way on the van.

I'm very observant.

I've never seen so many aerials in me life.

The man told me their equipment

could pinpoint a purr at 400 yards.

And Eric, being such a happy cat,

was a piece of cake.

How much did this cost?

Sixty quid. And 8 guineas for the fruit bat.

What fruit bat?

Eric the fruit bat.

Are all your pets called Eric?

There's nothing so odd about that.

Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie all called Abdul.

No, he didn't.

Did, he did, he did, he did and did.

There you are:

Kemal Ataturk: The Man by E.W. Swanton

with a foreword by Paul Anka.

Page 91, please.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, I owe you an apology, sir.

Spoken like a gentleman.

Now, are you gonna give me this fish license?

I promise you there is no such thing.

You don't need one.

Then I would like a statement to that effect

signed by the Lord Mayor.

[FANFARE PLAYS]

You're in luck.

[NARRATOR] And now, there is the mayor.

Surely the third-tallest mayor in Derby's history.

And there are the aldermen,

magnificently resplendent in their aldermanic hose.

And just fook at the power in those thighs.

The New Zealanders are gonna find it pretty tough going

in the set pieces in the second half.

So Dawn Palethorpe with one clear round on Sir Gerald.

And now the mayor has reached

the great customer, Mr. Eric Praline.

And now, the mayoral human being

fakes the mayoral pen in his mayoral hand.

And watched by the Lady Mayoress,

who, of course, scored that magnificent try

in the first half, signs the fishy exemption.

And the great customer, Mr. Eric Praline,

who is understandably awed by the magnificence

and even the absurdity of this great occasion here

at Cardiff Arms Park,

has finally gone spare.

And there is the going-sparal look

on the front of his head.

And now, the aldermen are finishing their oranges

and leaving the post office

for the start of the second half.

And here come the Derby Council XV

following the All Blacks out onto the pitch.

Uh, there, at the-- In the center of the pitch,

you can see Dawn Palethorpe on Sir Gerald--

One of the fastest wingers we must have seen this season.

On the feft, the Lord Mayor's been running

such wonderful possession for Derby Council in the lines-out.

And it's the, uh, All Blacks to kick off.

Uh, Wilson to kick off. Oh, and can see there,

the chairman of the Byways and Highways Committee,

who's obviously recovered from that very nasty blow

he got in the first half. And, uh, Wilson kicks off.

And it's-- Town clerk's taken the ball beautifully there.

The All Blacks are up on it very fast,

and-- And the whistle has gone.

I'm not sure what happened there,

I couldn't ses, but there's a scrumdown.

[think it's an All Blacks' ball.

They were up on them very fast.

Obviously, they're gonna try very hard in this half

fo wipe out this five-point deficit.

Derby Council, eight points and three up.

And, uh, Derby Council have got the ball against the head.

There is the borough surveyor, the scrum half is up.

The chairman of the Highway and Byway Committee's

kicked for touch. The line-out, and it's--

And the mayor-- The mayor has got the ball again.

To the borough surveyor,

He's left-out the medical officer of health.

Straight along the line,

and the Lady Mayoress is gonna go through.

Number two has missed her.

Only the fullback to beat. And she has scored.

The Lady Mayoress has scored. if's 11 points fo 3.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result

for the All Blacks.

Well, they've had very bad luck on their tour so far.

In fact, they missed four very easy kicks

against the Exeter Amateur Operatic Society,

which must have cost them the match.

And then, of course, there was that crippling defeat

at the hands of the Derry ♪ Toms Soft Toy Department.

So I don't think they can be fancying their chances

against the London Pooves on Saturday.

And what about China?

Well, whether Mao Zedong is alive or not,

Lin Biao has a stranglehold on the Central Committee

which Lin Shao-Chi can't break.

So it remains to be seen

whether Zhou Enlai can really get his finger out

and get going in the second half.

Well, thank you, Cliff.

Tonight's other outstanding match

was the semifinal between the Bournemouth Gynecologists

and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators.

We bring you edited highlights of the match.

[PIRATES SHOUTING]

[PIRATES SHOUTING]

Well, that's it for tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

But remember, If you've enjoyed watching this show

just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it,

then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you.

Ha-ha-ha.

[0]