All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e09.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[0]

Mm.

And now for something
completely different.

Its...

[0]

[ANNOUNCER] Monty
Python's Flying Circus.

[ANNOUNCER] How fo recognize
different parts of the body.

Number one, the foot.

Number two...

the shoulder.

And number three...

the other foot.

Number four...

the bridge of the nose.

Number five...

the naughty bits.

Number six...

just above the elbow.

Number seven...

two inches fo the right of
a very naughty bit indeed.

Number eight, the kneecap.

"WALTZING MATHILDA"
ON RECORD PLAYER]

♪ Once a jolly swagman
Camped by a billabong

♪ Under the shade... I

- Good day, Bruce.
- Oh, hello, Bruce.

- How are you, Bruce?
- Abit crook, Bruce.

Blimey. It's hot
in here, Bruce.

It's hot enough
to boil a monkey's bum.

That's a strange-- That's
a strange expression, Bruce.

Well, Bruce, I heard
the prime minister use it.

"Hot enough to boil
a monkey's bum in here,

Your Majesty,"
he said.

And she smiled quietly
to herself.

She's a good sheila, Bruce.
And not at all stuck-up.

Ah. Here comes
the boss fellow now.

- Ah, good day, Bruce.
- Hey, Bruce.

Hello, Bruce.
How are you, Bruce?

Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce
a chap from Pommyland

who'll be Joining us
this year

here in the Philosophy
Department

of the University
of Woolamaloo.

Uh, Michael Baldwin,
this is Bruce.

Is your name
not Bruce, then?

Uh, no,
it's Michael.

That's going fo cause
alittle confusion.

Yeah. Mind if we call you
Bruce, just to keep it clear?

Well, gentlemen, I think
we better start the meeting.

Before we start,
though,

I'll ask the Padre
for a prayer.

Oh, Lord, we beseech thee, have
mercy on our faculty, amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Crack the tubes,
right.

Ah, Bruce,
I now call upon you

to welcome Mr. Baldwin
to the Philosophy Department.

I'd like to welcome
the pommy bastard

to God's own earth.
And I'd like to remind him

that we don't like stuck-up
stickybeaks here.

[ALL] Hear, hear!
Well spoken, Bruce!

Now, Bruce teaches
classical philosophy,

Bruce teaches
Hegelian philosophy.

Bruce here teaches
logical positivism

and is also in charge
of the sheep dip.

What does, um--
What does new Bruce teach?

Qur new Bruce will teach
political science,

Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke,
Hobbes, Sutcliffe,

Bradman, Lindwall, Miller,
Hassett and Benaud.

- Those are cricketers, Bruce.
- Oh, spit.

Howls. Howls of derisive
laughter, Bruce.

Ha-hal In addition, as he's
gonna be teaching politics,

told him that
he's welcome to teach

any of the great
socialist thinkers,

provided he makes it clear
that they were wrong.

[ALL] Australia, Australia,
Australia, Australia.

We love you. Amen.

Any questions?

New Bruce, are you a poofter?

- Are you a poofter?
- No.

No, right. Well, gentlemen,
I'l just remind you

of the faculty rules.

Rule one,
no poofters.

Uh, rule two, no member
of the faculty

is to maltreat the Abos
in any way whatsoever

if there's anyone watching.

Rule three, no poofters.

Uh, rule four, I don't wanna
catch anyone not drinking

in their room
after lights out.

Rule five, no poofters.

Rule six,
there is no rule six.

Rule seven, no poofters.

That concludes the reading
of the rules. Bruce.

This here is the wattle,
the emblem of our land.

You can stick it in a bottle,
you can hold it in your hand.

- Amen.
- [ALL] Amen!

Gentlemen, it's 6:00.
I want every man-Bruce of you

in the Sydney
Harbor Bridge room

to take a glass of sherry with
the flying philosopher, Bruce.

And I now call upon you,
padre,

fo close the meeting
with a prayer.

Oh Lord,
we beseech thee,

et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera, amen.

- [ALL] Amen!
- Right, let's get some sheilas.

- Okay.
- Ah! Elevenses.

AN! This
should tide us--

This should tide us over
till lunchtime.

Reckon so, Bruce.

Sidney Nolan.
What's that?

[ANNOUNCER]
Number nine, the ear.

Number 10, the big toe.

Number 11...

more naughty bits.

And number 12...

the naughty bits of a lady.

And number 13,
the naughty bits of a horse.

the naughty bits of an ant.

Number 15, the naughty bits
of Reginald Maudling.

Number 16, the hand.

Good evening. I have with me
in the studio tonight

Mr. Norman-- Mr. Norman
St. John Polevaulter,

who, for the past few years,
has been contradicting people.

Mr. Polevaulter, why do you
contradict people?

- I don't.
- You told me you did.

I most certainly did not.

Oh, I'see.

I'll start again.

- No, you won't.
- Shh.

Mr. Polevaulter, I understand
you don't contradict people.

- Yes, I do.
- When didn't you start

contradicting people?

Well, I did, in 1952.

-1952?
- 1947.

- Twenty-three years ago?
- No.

And s0 on and so on and so on.

And now...

number 17...

the top of the head.

Number 18...
the feather.

Rare.

Number 19...

the nose.

[0]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

[MAN]
Come in.

Ah, Mr. Luxury Yacht.
Do sit down, please.

Uh, no, no. My name is
spelt Luxury Yacht,

but it's pronounced
Throatwobbler Mangrove.

Ah, well, do sit down then,
Mr. Throatwobbler Mangrove.

Thank you.

Now, what seems to be
the trouble?

um...

I'd like you to perform
some plastic surgery on me.

I see. And which particular
feature of your anatomy

is causing you distress?

Well-- Well,
for a long time now--

In fact, even when
I was a child

--uh, I, you know, ever
whenever I left home... - Mm-hm.

- uh, to catch a bus or-- Or
to catch a train-- - Fine.

Uh, and even my tennis
has suffered, actually.

- Uh--
- Yes. To be absolutely blunt

you're worried about
your enormous hooter.

- No.
-No?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Yes.

You want me to hack a bit off.

- Please.
- Fine.

Itis a startler,
isn't it?

Uh, do you mind
if! uh..?

What?

Oh, no, nothing then.
I'l just examine your nose.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Mr. Luxury Yacht,
this, um...

This nose of yours
is false.

It's made of
polystyrene.

And your own
hooter's a beaut.

No pruning necessary.

I'd still like
the operation.

Well, you've had the
operation, you strange person.

Please do an operation.

Well, all right.
Allright.

But only if you'll come
on a camping holiday with me.

He asked me,
he asked me!

[0]

Next week, we'll be
showing you

how fo pick up an architect,
how fo pull a prime minister,

and how to have fun
with a wholesale poulterer.

Now the men of the Derbyshire
Light Infantry entertain us

with a precision display
of bad temper.

[MAN]
Attention!

My goodness, me.

I am in a bad temper today,
all right, two, three.

Damn, damn, two, three.

I am vexed and ratty,
two, three.

And next, the men
of the Second Armored Division

regale us with their famous
close-order swanning about.

Squad!

Camp it...up.

[ALL]
Qoh, get her. Whoops.

I've got your number, ducky.

Couldn't afford me, dear,
two, three.

I'l scratch your eyes out.

Don't come the brigadier bit
with us, dear.

We all know where you've been,
you military fairy.

Whoops, don't look now, girls.

The major's just minced in with
that dolly color sergeant.

- [SOLDIER] Two, three.
- [ALL] Oooh.

And finally...

[TCHAIKOVSKY'S "NUTCRACKER
SUITE" PLAYING]

God, if they don't stop,
II kill myself.

I swear I will

Allright. That's it.

[GUNSHOT]

[ANNOUNCER]
For three days and nights,

the displaced eyeball
plummeted earthward.

Until finally...

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Oh.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Oh.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Excuse me.

[MAN] Keep low, keep down. Don't
lag behind. Come on, everybody.

Right. Keep close.
That's right.

Watch out for the killer cars.
[MOTOR ROARS]

[ANNOUNCER]
Yes, the killer cars.

For years, the city
had been plagued

by ever-increasing
pedestrian congestion.

In an attempt
fo eliminate this problem,

certain fanatical cars

had taken the law
into their own hands.

[MOTORS ROARING]

But the days of the killer
cars were numbered,

thanks to the miracle
of atomic mutation.

[RUMBLING]

[MOTORS ROARING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[MAN] Oh, thank you.
You've saved our city.

[ANNOUNCER]
But at what cost?

[GOBBLING]

[CATERWAULS]

[MAN]
Oh, thank you. Thank you.

[CROWD CHEERING]
You've saved our city.

Except for those
who chose to leave town.

[TRAIN WHISTLE]

This, then, is the story
of two of them.

[WHISTLING]

Morning, sir.
Can I help you?

Uh, yes. We've-- We've booked
on your flight for America.

Oh, we don't fly
to America.

Oh, the American flight.

Ah, on the plane. Oh, yes.
Oh, we do that, all right.

[LAUGHS]

Safe as houses,
no need for panic.

Is it really
37 and 67

Thirty bob.
I'm robbing meself.

- Thirty bob?
- Twenty-five.

Uh, two quid, the pair of you.
Uh, that's without insurance.

- How much is it with insurance?
- Hundred and two quid.

That's including
the flight.

How long will it take?

Uh, let me put it this way.
No idea.

- Six hours.
- Six?

Five. Ten for
the pair of you.

-Oh,isita jet?
- Uh, well, no.

It's not so much a jet.
It's more your...

Triumph Herald engine
with wings.

When are you taking off?

- 3300 hours.
- [MAN] What?

- 2600 hours for the pair.
- [WOMAN] What?

After the injections,
you won't care.

- What injections?
- Barley sugar. Calm you down.

They're compulsory.
Board of trade. Promise.

I don't like the sound
of injections.

Ring, ring.
Hello. Yes. Right.

You've got to make
your mind up straightaway

if you're coming
or not.

-[BOTH] Yes.
- Right. You can't change your mind.

Il ring
the departure lounge.

Hello? Two more on their way,
Mrs. Turpin.

[WOMAN]
Ah.

Now, uh, the duty-free
trolley is over there.

There's some lovely
drop scones

and some duty-free
broccoli,

and there's fresh
Eccles cakes.

The Verrifast Plaine Company

announce the departure
of flight one

to over the hills
and far away.

Will passengers
for flight one

please assemble
at gate one?

Passengers are
advised

that there is still plenty
of time to buy Eccles cakes.

Nearly ready.

All passengers please
get ready

for their barley sugar
injections, okay?

Oh. Today,
we all take vow.

Today, we smash
the enemy fleet.

We smash, smash.

[INDISTINCT
SCREAMING]

[MEN
LAUGHING]

Uh, now, that's Mr. Kamikaze,
the pilot.

He's very nice, really,

but make sure he stays clear
of battleships.

[ANNOUNCER] There have been many
stirring tales told of the sea,

and also some fairly
uninteresting ones

only marginally
connected with it.

Uh, like this one.

Sorry, this isn't a very
good announcement. Sorry.

And here is the result

of the "Where to Put Edward
Heath's Statue" competition.

The winner was
a Mr. lvy North,

who wins 10 guineas and a visit
to the sailors' quarters.

[ALL GRUNTING, YELPING]

That was last year's reenactment
of the battle of Pearl Harbor

performed by the Batley
Townswomen's Guild.

It was written, directed
and produced

by Mrs. Rita Fairbanks.

Hello again.

[INTERVIEWER] And what are your
ladies gonna do for us this year?

Well, this year, we decided
to reenact something

with a more modem flavor.

We had considered a version

of Michael Stewart's
speech on Nigeria,

and there were several votes
on the committee

for a staging
of Herr Willy Brandt's

visit to East Germany.

But we've settled, instead,

for a dramatization
of the first heart transplant.

Incidentally, my sister,
Madge, will be playing

the plucky little
springbok pioneer,

Dr. Christian Barnard.

[INTERVIEWER] Off we go then, with the
Batley Townswomen's Guild reenactment

of the first heart
transplant.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[ALL GRUNTING, YELPING]

The first heart transplant.

But this is not the only
open-air production here

that has used the sea.

Theatrical managers
in this area

have not been as slow
to appreciate

the sea's tremendous
dramatic value.

And somewhere,
out in this bay,

is the first underwater
production

of Measure for Measure.

[MUFFLED SHAKESPEARIAN
DIALOGUE]

[INHALING NOISILY]

[MUFFLED SHAKESPEARIAN
DIALOGUE CONTINUES]

[INHALING NOISILY]

[INDISTINCT DIALOGUE]

[YELLS INDISTINCTLY]

Right.

The underwater version
of Measure for Measure.

And further out to sea,
Hello, Dolly!

is also doing
good business.

[MEN GURGLING]
I Hello, Dolly ♪

And over there
on the oyster beds,

Formula Two car racing.

[MOTORS ROARING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[ANNOUNCER]
Number 20...the armpits.

Number 21...

the bottom two-thirds
of the nape of the neck.

Number 22...

the nipple.

[MAN OVER RADIO] And that
concludes this week's episode

of How to Recognize
Different Parts of the Body,

adapted for radio
by Ann Haydon-Jones

and her husband, Pip.

And now we present
the first episode

of a new radio
drama series:

The Death of Mary,
Queen of Scots.

Part One:
The Beginning.

[MUSIC PLAYING
OVER RADIO]

[MAN] You are Mary,
Queen of Scots?

[WOMAN]
fam.

- [THUMPING]
- [WOMAN] Ow! Ow!

[WOMAN SCREAMING OVER RADIO]

THUMPING, OBJECTS CRASHING]

[WOMAN CONTINUES
SCREAMING]

Oh! No!

[SCREAMS]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

THUMPING, SCREAMING STOPS]

Episode two of The Death
of Mary, Queen of Scots

can be heard on Radio 4
almost immediately.

[MUSIC PLAYING
OVER RADIO]

[SAWING]

THUMPING, WOMAN
SCREAMING]

[THUMPING,
SCREAMING STOPS]

[MAN]
1 think she's dead.

[WOMAN]
No, I'm not,

(GUNSHOT, THUMPING,
SCREAMING RESUMES]

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO]

[ANNOUNCER]
That was episode two

of The Death of Mary,
Queen of Scots,

adapted for the radio

by Bernard Hollowood
and Brian London.

And now Radio 4
will explode.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXPLOSION]

Oh.

We'll have to watch
the telly then.

Yes.

Well...what's on
the television then?

Looks like
a penguin.

No, no, no, no.

I didn't mean what's on
the television set.

I meant
what program.

- Ohh.
-Oh.

[HUMMING]

7 Young and handsome ♪

[BOTH] I Girl from Ipanema
Goes walking ♪

It's funny that penguin
being there, isn't it?

- What's it doing there?
- Standing.

I can see that.

[fit lays an egg...

it will fall down the back
of the television set.

- We'll have to watch that.
- Mmm.

Unless it's a male.

Och, I never thought
of that.

Yes.

Looks fairly butch.

Perhaps it comes
from next door.

Penguins don't come
from next door,

they come
from the Antarctic.

Burma!

- Why'd you say "Burma"?
- I panicked.

Oh.

Perhaps it's
from the zoo.

Which zoo?

How should I know which zoo?
I'm not Dr. Bloody Bemnowski.

How does Dr. Bernowski know
which zoo it came from?

He knows everything.

Oh, I wouldn't
like that.

It'd take the mystery
out of life.

Anyway, if it came
from the zoo,

itd have "Property
of the Zoo" stamped on it.

No, it wouldn't.

They don't stamp animals
"Property of the Zoo."

You couldn't stamp
a huge lion.

What happens
when they molt?

Lions don't molt.

No, but penguins do.

There, I've run rings
around you, logically.

Oh. Intercourse
the penguin.

It's, uh, just gone 8:00
and time for the penguin

on top of your television
set to explode.

How did he know that
was going to happen?

It was an inspired guess.
And now...

Number 23...the shin.

Number 24...

Reginald Maudling's shin.

Number 25...the brain.

Margaret Thatcher's brain,

And number 27...

more naughty bits.

Number 28...

the naughty bits
of the cabinet.

the interior
of a country house.

That's not
a part of the body.

No, it's a link, though. I
didn't think it was very good.

No, it's the end of the series.
They must be out of ideas.

Allright,
don't anybody move.

There's been
a murder.

A murder?

No, no.
Not murder. No.

Uh, what's like a murder
but begins with B?

Birmingham?

-No, no, no, no, no.
- [MAN 1] Burnley?

Burnley, that's right.
Bumley in Lancashire.

There's been
a Burnley.

Burglary.

Burglary.
Yes. Good man.

Burglary.
That's it, of course.

- There's been a burglary.
- Where?

In the back,
Just below the rib.

No, that's murder.

Oh, no. In the--

Eh, in the band.

In the bat. Barclays bat.

- Barclays Bank?
- Yes. Nasty business.

Got away with 23,000 pounds.

Any clues?

Any what?

[MAN 2] Well, any evidence
as to who did it?

Any clues, eh?

Qoh, we don't half talk
posh, do we? Ha-ha!

I suppose you say "ehnvelope”
and "lamgerie,"

and "sarndwiches
on the settee."

This is a murder
investigation, young man,

and murder is
a very serious business.

[MAN 1] I thought you
said it was a burglary.

Burglary is almost as serious
a business as murder.

Some burglaries
are more serious.

A burglary in which someone
gets stabbed is murder.

So don't come to these
petty distinctions with me.

You're as bad as a judge.

Right. Now...

the first thing to do
in the event of a breach

of a peace of any kind
istogoand...

Sorry, sorry.
I was miles away.

- Ah, ring the police?
- Ring the police.

Get them
over here fast.

No, get them
over here slowly

so they don't
drop anything.

Shall I make us all
a cup of tea?

Make what you like,
Boskovitch.

It won't help you
in court. Hm-hm.

I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I'm on top of being
on two cases at once.

I keep thinking I've got
Boskovitch cornered,

whereas in fact,
I'm investigating a Bumley.

- Burglary?
- Yes, good man.

[SIREN WAILING]

Um...w-who's--?
Who's Boskovitch?

Ha!

Boskovitch is
a Russian scientist

who's passing information
to the Russians.

Classified
information?

Oh, there
he goes again.

"Classified
information.”

Oh, sitting on the settee
with our scones

and our classified
information.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Duckie.

Hello, sir.
How are you?

I'm fine, thanks.
How are you?

Well, sir, I'm a little bit
moody today, sir.

- Why's that, Duckie?
- [MUSIC PLAYS]

Because...

7 I'm a little bit sad
And lonely ♪

7 Now, my baby's gone away ♪

♪ I'm feeling kind of biue
1 don't know just what to do ♪

1 feel a little sad today ♪

[ALL]! He's a fittle
bit sad And lonely

7 Now, his baby's gone away ♪

♪ He's fesling kind of blue
He don't know just what to do ♪

1 He ain't feeling so good
Today

- When I smile ?
- Ahhh

- 1 The sun comes flooding in J -
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

-♪ When I'm sad
-2 Ahhh?

7 it goes behind the clouds
Again?

7 I'm a little bit sad
And lonely ♪

7 When my baby's
Gone away ♪

2 I'm feeling kind of-- §

[ALL]
Et cetera, et cetera.

[INSPECTOR]
A lovely song, Duckie.

[APPLAUSE]

And that's
the final entry:

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

And now, Guten Abend.

Die scores.
Das scores.

Les scores. Die scores.
Dei scores.

Oh, scores. Hal Scores.

Yes, Monaco is the winner.

[ASIAN ACCENT]
Ha! Monaco is a liner.

[JAMAICAN ACCENT] Oh, yes, man.
Monaco's won the big prize, bwana.

[NORMAL VOICE] And now here is Chief
Inspector Jean-Paul Zatapathique

with the winning song
once again.

[ANNOUNCER] And so
Inspector Zatapathique,

the forensic expert from
the Monaco Murder Squad,

sings his song,
"Bing Tiddle Tiddle Bong."

[CHOIR HUMMING]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

[ALL]
♪ Bing tiddle tiddie bang ♪

[CHOIR]
1 Bong tiddle fiddle bang ♪

1 Bong tiddle tiddle tidale
Tiddle fiddle ♪

7 Bong tiddle fiddle bong ♪

7 Bong tiddle tiddie bing }

1 Bing tiddle tiddle
Bang tiddle tiddle ♪

1 Bong tiddle tidcle tiddle
Bang bong bing

1 Bang bong tiddle tiddle
ticdle Bang bong bing §

7 Tiddle tiddle bang ♪

1 Bong tiddle tiddle tiddle
Tiddle, tiddle §

- I Bing bang bong ♪
- 1 Tiddle tidclle I

1 Tiddle tiddle
Bing bang bong

I Tiddle tiddle
Bong tiddle tiddle bing

[PANTING]

[ANNOUNCER]
Number 31...the end.