All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e04.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[0]

[HUMMING]

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[SNORING]

[CLOCK TICKING]

[ALARM RINGS]

[0]

And now for something
completely different.

Its...

[0]

ANNOUNCER:
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[SPLAT]

[IN UNISON]
Hello and welcome to the show.

Without more ado,

the first item

is a sketch about architects

called "The Architect Sketch."

"The Architect Sketch.”

"The Architect Sketch.”

"The Architect Sketch.”

[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Gentlemen,
we have two basic suggestions

for the design of this--

[THE GUMBIES CHATTERING
OUTSIDE]

Gentlemen,

we have two basic suggestions

for the design of this--

[THE GUMBIES CONTINUE
CHATTERING]

[YELLING]
Shut up!

Gentlemen, we have
two basic suggestions--

GUMBIES:
Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Gentlemen,
we have two basic suggestions

for the design of this
architectural block,

the residential block.

And I thought it best
that the architects themselves

came in to explain the
advantages of both designs.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

That must be the first
architect now.

Oh, yes, it's Mr. Wiggin
of Ironside and Malone.

Good morning,
gentlemen. Uh,

this is a 12-story block,

combining classical
neo-Georgian features

with all the advantages
of modern design.

Uh, the tenants arrive
in the entrance hall here,

are carried along the corridor

on a conveyor belt
in extreme comfort

and past murals depicting
Mediterranean scenes

towards the rotating knives.

The last 20 feet of
the corridor

are heavily soundproof.

The blood pours down
these chutes

and the mangled flesh
slurps into these large--

-Excuse me.
-Hmm?

Uh, did you say "knives"?

Rotating knives, yes.

Are you, uh, proposing
to slaughter our tenants?

Does that not fit
in with your plans?

No, no.

We-- We wanted a simple
block of flats.

Ah, I see. I hadn't, uh,
correctly divined your attitude

towards your tenants.

You see, I mainly design
slaughterhouses. Yes, pity.

Mind you,
this is a real beaut.

I mean, no blood caked
on the walls

and flesh flying out
of the windows,

inconveniencing passersby
with this one.

I mean, my life has been
building up to this.

Yes, and well done, heh.

But we did want
a block of flats.

May I ask you to reconsider? You won't
regret it. Think of the tourist trade.

No, no, it's it's just that
we wanted a block of flats

and not an abattoir.

Yes, well, of course that's
just the sort of blinkered,

philistine pig-ignorance

I've come to expect
from you non-creative garbage.

You sit there on
your loathsome,

spotty behinds,
squeezing blackheads,

not caring a tinker's cuss
about the struggling artist.

You excrement!

You lousy, hypocritical,
whining toadies!

With your lousy color-TV sets,

and your Tony Jacklin
golf clubs,

and your bleeding
Masonic handshakes!

You wouldn't let me join,
would you,

you blackballing bastards?

Well, I wouldn't become
a Freemason now,

if you went down on
your lousy,

stinking, purulent knees

and begged me!

Well, we're sorry
you feel like that,

but we, uh,
did want a block of flats.

Nice though the abattoir is,
heh-heh.

Oh, pfft! the abattoir.
That's not important.

But if one of you
could put in a word for me,

I'd love to be a Freemason.

Freemasonry opens doors.
I mean, I was--

I was a bit on edge just now,
but-- but if I was a Mason,

I'd just sit at the back
and not get in anyone's way.

Thank you.

I've got
a secondhand apron.

00:06:21,359
I'm sorry about that, gentlemen.
The second architect is

Mr. Leavey of
Wymis and Dibble.

Good morning, gentlemen. Uh,

This is a scale model
of the block.

Uh, there are 28 stories
with 280 modern apartments.

There are three main lifts
and two service lifts.

Access would be
from Dibbingley Road.

Uh, the structure is built
on a central-pillar system

uh, with cantilevered floors

in pre-stressed steel
and concrete.

Uh, the dividing walls
on each floor section

are fixed with recessed
magnalium flanged groo--

By avoiding wood
and timber derivatives

and all other inflammables,
uh,

we have almost totally
removed the risk of...

Quite frankly, I think
the central-pillar system

may need strengthening a bit.

-Isn't that going to put the cost up?
-Uh, it might.

Well, I don't know
whether I'd worry about

strengthening that much.

After all, they're not
meant to be luxury flats.

No, I quite agree.
I mean, provided the tenants

are of light build
and relatively sedentary,

and, uh, given a spot
of good weather,

00:07:29,993
Oh, thank you.

Quite agree.
Quite agree.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. -It opens
doors, I'm telling you.

MAN: Let's have a look
at that handshake again

in sfow motion.

What other ways are there
of recognizing a Mason?

How are you?

Having once identified
a Mason,

immediate steps
must be taken

to isolate him
from the general public.

Having accomplished that, it
is now possible to cure him

of these unfortunate
Masonic tendencies

through the use
of behavioral psychotherapy.

In this treatment,

the patient is rewarded
for the correct response

and punished
for the wrong one.

Let us begin.

[BUZZES]

Would you like
to give up being a Mason?

Think carefully.

No.
MAN [YELLING]: No?

That's wrong!
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!

No, no!
Bad, bad dog! Bad!

ANNOUNCER: The BBC would
like to apologize

for the following
announcement.

[THE GUMBIES MUMBLING
INDISTINCTLY]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[IN UNISON]
Ooh.

And the next item

is a sketch about insurance

called "Insurance Sketch.”

"Insurance Sketch."

"Insurance Sketch."

What do you want?

Well, I've come--
I've come about your special,

fully comprehensive,
motor insurance policy offer.

What was that?

Fully comprehensive
motor insurance

for one and eight pence.

Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, unfortunately, uh, guv,
that offer's no longer valid.

You see, uh, it turned out
not to be economically viable.

Uh, so we now have
a totally new offer.

‘What's that?
-A nude lady.

-Nude lady?
-Yes.

You get a nude lady with
comprehensive motor insurance.

If you just want third party,

she has to keep her bra on,
and if it's just theft--

No, no,
I don't really want that.

Um. Mr. Mr., um?

Devious.
-Mr. Devious.

I just want to know
what it would cost me

to have
comprehensive insurance

on a 1970 Aston Martin.

-Aston Martin?
-Yeah.

-Uh, five hundred quid.
-Five hundred quid?

-Forty quid.
-Forty quid?

Forty quid and a nude lady.

I'm not interested
in a nude lady.

-Dirty books.
No, no, no.

I'm not interested
in that.

I just want to know
what it would cost me

to have a fully
comprehensive insurance

on a 1970 Aston Martin.

Can you please
quote me your price?

-Knock, knock.
Who's there?

-The reverend.
-The reverend who?

-The Reverend Morrison.
-DEVIOUS: Oh, come in.

Now then, vic,
what's the trouble?

Well, it's about
this letter you sent me.

Um, excuse me,
do I have any more lines?

I don't know, mush.

I'l have a look
in your script.

Where are we?
Show eight.

Are you "Man"?

-Yeah. Man.
-Man.

No. No,
you're finished.

Well, I'l be off, then.
Right.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"The vicar sits."

It's about this letter
you sent me

regarding my
insurance claim.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, well, you see,

it's just that
we're not as yet,

uh, totally satisfied with
the grounds of your claim.

But it says something about
filling my mouth in with cement.

Oh, well, that's just
Insurance jargon, you know.

But my car was hit by a lorry
while standing in the garage,

and you refused
to pay my claim.

Well, Reverend Morrison,
in your policy...

In your policy...

Here we are.

It states, sir,
quite clearly,

that no claim you make
will be paid.

-Oh, dear.
-You see, uh,

you unfortunately plumped
for our never-pay policy

which, uh, you know,

if you never claim,
is very worthwhile.

But, uh, you had to claim,
and, well, there it is.

-Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Sill,

never mind, could be worse.
How's the nude lady?

Oh, she's fine.

[SOBBING]

Look, rev,
I hate to see a man cry.

So shove off, out the office.
There's a good chap.

Okay, Devious. Don't move.

The Bishop!

[0]

[CHOIR SINGING]

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

I take as my text
for today--

The text, vic!
Don't say the text!

Leviticus 3:14.

[EXPLOSION]

[SCREAMING]

We was too late.

The Reverend Grundy
bit the ceiling.

[BUZZING]

Hello. What?
We'll be right over.

[BELL TOLLING]

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

And tis for this reason,

that the Christian Church
lays upon you

[CLOCK TICKING]
-the godparents and the parents

the obligation
of seeing this child

is brought up
in the Christian faith.

Therefore,
I name this child--

Don't say the kid's name, vic!

Francesco Luigi--

[EXPLOSION]

We was too late.

The Reverend Neuk
saw the light.

[0]

The ring, vic!
Don't touch the ring!

[BELL TOLLING]

[CHOKING]

Hey, vic!

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Dearly, dear,
dearly departed.

Dust to dust, ashes--

[CREAKING]

[EXPLOSION]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

[0]

MAN:
Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Ah! Help!

Come on.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Okay, Devious, don't move.

The Bishop!

[0]

This is where
we came in.

Yeah.

Oh, it's nice to be home.

-B-Builders haven't been, then?
-No.

These two old people are
typical of the housing problem

facing Britain's aged.

Here. Don't you start doing
a documentary on us, young man.

-Oh, please?
-No. Leave us alone.

Just a little one about the appalling
conditions under which you live?

No. Get out of our house.
Goon.

Oh, all right.
Come on, George, pick it up.

Why don't you do a documentary
about the drug problem

round in Walton Street?

Oh, I'l go and have a bath.

1 The splendor falls
On castle walls ♪

7 And snowy summits
Old in story

Here. There's Alfred,
Lord Tennyson in the bathroom.

Well, at least the poet's
been installed, then.

Yes, a poet is essential
for complete home comfort

and all-year-round reliability
and low cost.

We in the East Midlands
Poet Board

hope to have a poet in every
home by the end of next year.

♪ Poets are both
Clean and warm ♪

I And most are far
Above the norm

I Whether here
or on the roam ♪

♪ Have a poet in every home ♪

MAN:
I wandered lonely as a cloud

DOORBELL RINGS]
-That floats on high...

Good morning, madam.
I've come to read your poet.

Oh, yes. It's in the cupboard
under the stairs.

[COUGHS]

Whats it,
a Swinburne? Shelley?

-No, it's a Wordsworth.
-Oh, bloody "Daffodils."

WORDSWORTH:
Beneath the trees

Fluttering and dancing
In the breeze.

Continuous as the stars
That shine

And twinkle on
the Milky Way.

They stretched...

-Right. Thank you, madam.
-Oh, not at all. Thank you.

It's a nice day, isn't it?

Yes, yes.
The weather situation

Uh, there's a ridge of high
pressure centered over Ireland,

which is moving eastwards,
bringing cloudy weather

to parts of the West
Country, Wales,

and areas west
of the Pennines.

On tomorrow's chart,
the situation's much the same.

With this occluded front
bringing drier, warmer weather.

Temperature's above average
for the time of year.

That's 3 degrees centigrade,
44 degrees Fahrenheit.

So don't forget
to wrap up well.

That's all from me.
Good night.

Now on BBC television,
a choice of viewing.

On BBC 2,
a discussion on censorship

between Derek Hart, the Bishop
of Woolwich, and a nude man.

And on BBC 1, me telling
you this. And now--

We don't want that, do we?

Do you really want that cherry
in your tea?

Do you like
doing this job?

Uh, well, it's, uh,
it's a living, isn't it?

I mean, don't you get bored
reading people's poets all day?

Well, you know,

sometimes, yeah.

Anyway, I-I think
I better be going.

You've got a nice torch,
haven't you?

Uh, yeah, yeah,
it, uh, it, uh,

goes, uh, on and off.

How many volts is it?

Oh, uh, well, I'l have
alook at the batteries.

Oh, yes, yes.

It's, uh,
four and a half volts.

Mm, that's wonderful. Do you
want another look at the poet?

No, I must be off,
really.

I've got Thomas Hardy
in the bedroom.

I'd like you
to look at him.

I can't touch him.
He's a novelist.

He keeps mumbling
all night.

Well, novelists do,
you see.

Oh, forget him.
What's your name, deary?

Harness.

No, no,
your first name, silly.

“Wombat.
-Oh, Wombat.

Wombat Harness.

Take me to the place where
eternity knows no bounds,

where the garden of love
encloses us round.

-Oh, Harness.
-All right.

I'l have a quick look
at your Thomas Hardy.

Nude man,
what did you make of that?

Well, don't you see? That was
exactly the kind of explicit

sexual reference
I'm objecting to.

[tts titillation
for the sake of it,

a deliberate attempt
at cheap sensationalism.

I don't care what
the so-called

avant-garde, left-wing,

intellectual namby-pambies say,
itis filth!

Bishop.

Okay, don't anybody move.

[0]

The BBC would like
to apologize

for the constant repetition
in this show.

Hey, oops.
Whoa.

Whoops-a-daisy.

BOTH:
Whoa.

I say.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[WHIMPERING]

[BANGING]

Shut up, all of you up there.

Why can'ta guy
get some sleep around here?

Little peace and quiet's
all I want.

Stop the noise now,
or I'm coming up.

[CLUCKING]

hope

you're

en-

Joy-

ing

this.

[SIREN WAILING]
-ANNOUNCER: Attention.

There's been a nasty
five-frog curse near the M4.

Proceed immediately
to the area.

-Oh, dear.
-Looks bad.

-Mm, very bad.
-Quite agreed.

MAN 1:
Only one thing to do with

a multiple-frog curse
like this.

MAN 2:
Right-0. Get the magic wand.

Clear the area.

Fire!

[IN UNISON]
Thank you.

And now

a sketch

about a chemist

called

"The Chemist Sketch."

Right, I've got some of
your prescriptions here.

Uh, who's got the pox?

Come on,
who's got the pox?

Come on.
Catch.

Who's got a boil on the bum?

Boil on the botty.

Who's got the chest rash?

Have to get a bigger bottle.

Who's got, uh--
Who's got wind?

Catch.

The BBC would like
to apologize

for the poor quality of
the writing in that sketch.

Itis not BBC policy
to get easy laughs

with words like bum,
knickers, botty or wee-wees.

Shh.

These are the words
which are not

fo be used again
on this program.

-Semprini?
Out!

Right, who's got a boil
on his semprini, then?

-Good morning.
-Good momning, sir.

I'd like some aftershave
please.

Certainly, sir.
Walk this way please.

If I could walk that way,
I wouldn't need aftershave.

Good morning.

Good morning, sir.
Can I help you?

Yes. I'd like some
aftershave please.

Atoilet
requisite-t-t-t-t-t-t-t.

T-t-t. Would you like
to try this, sir?

It's our very latest.
Its called Sea Mist.

[SNIFFS]
Hm. Quite like it.

How about something
more musky?

This one's called Mimmo.

Not really, no. Have you
anything a little fishier?

-Fishier?
-Fishier.

Fish, fish, fish.

Afishy
requisite--t-4-t-t-t-t.

Like halibut or sea bass.

-Or bream?
-Yes.

No, we haven't got
any of that.

Uh, I've got mackerel
or cod or hake?

You haven't got anything
a litle more halibut-ish?

Uh... Parrot?

What's that doing there?

Or skate with just
a hint of prawn?

Or crab, tiger and almonds?
Very unusual.

I really had my heart
set on halibut.

Well, sir, we had a fishy
consignment in this moming

so I could nip down
to the basement

and see if I can come
up trumps

with this particular
requisite-t-t-t-t-t.

So it was halibut or...?

-Sea bass. -Sea bass.
Won't be a moment-t-tt.

Sorry about this.

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Normally, we try and avoid
these little pauses,

longueurs.

Only dramatically he's gone
down to the basement, you see.

Of course,
there isn't really a basement,

uh, but he just goes off
and we pretend.

Actually, what happens is,
he just goes off there,

off camera,
and just waits there,

so it looks as though
he's gone down

to the basement.

Actually, I think
he's rather overdoing it. Ah.

[PANTING] Oh, sorry, sir.
Lot of steps.

I'm afraid it didn't come in
this morning, sir.

We have got some
at our Kensington branch.

I'l just nip down there
and get it for you.

-How long will that be?
-Twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes?

Oh. Uh,

"I wonder what other people
use for aftershave lotion?"

I use a body rub

called Halitosis.

It makes my breath seem sweet.

I use an aftershave

called Semprini.

Uh, sorry, sorry, can't stop
now. Gotta get to Kensington.

I use two kinds
of aftershave lotion:

frankincense, myrrh--

frankincense, myrrh,
sandalwood--

Four kinds of aftershave
lotion: frankincense--

I have a cold shower every
morning just before I go mad,

and then I go mad one.
Mad two. Mad three. Mad four.

I use Rancid Polecat No. 2.

It keeps my skin nice
and scaly.

Uh. Sorry again. Can't stop.
Gotta get back.

[PANTING] Och!
Well, I'm afraid

they don't have any at
our Kensington branch.

But we have got some
at the depot.

Where's that?
-Aberdeen.

-Aberdeen?
-It's all right.

You wait here.
I've got a car.

No, no. I'l take the other.
The crab, tiger and--

-Almond requisite-t--t-t-t?
li take it.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Right, right, right!

Now then, now then.
Your turn.

Aren't you going to say,
"What's all this, then?"

Oh, right.
What's all this, then?

This man has been
shoplifting, officer.

-Oh, yes?
-Yes.

Are you trying
to tell me my job?

No, but he's
been shoplifting.

Look, I must warn you

that anything you
may say will be ignored.

And furthermore,
given half a chance,

I'l put my fist
through your teeth.

F'tang, ftang.

But, officer,
this man here--

Look, I've had enough of you.
You're under arrest.

[IMITATING AIRPLANE]

Officer, it wasn't him.
He's the shoplifter.

No, I'm not.

He's not.
I'm a witness.

Look, one more
peep out of you,

and I'll do you for heresy.

Heresy? Blimey, I didn't expect
the Spanish Inquisition.

Shut up!
F'tang, ftang!

Oh, that's nice.
Right.

I'm taking you along
to the station.

What for?

I'm charging you
with illegal possession

of whatever we happen
to have down there. Right.

Lunar module calling
Buzz Aldrin. Come in.

[BUZZING]

♪ Raindrops keep falling
On my head

♪ But that doesn't mean-- ♪

The BBC would fike
to apologize to the police

about the character
of Police Constable Pan Am.

He was not meant to represent
the average police officer.

Similarly, the reference fo
Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut,

was the product
of a disordered mind,

and should not be construed as
having any other significance.

[THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"
PLAYS]

[IN UNISON]
And now for something

completely different.

[ALL GIGGLING]

[IN UNISON]
Ooh,

that was fun.

And now...

GUMBIES: The end!
The end! The end!