Original subtitles

[♪ ♪ ♪]

It's...

NARRATOR: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Well, where is he?

MAN: Ooh.

Ooh. Oh, what is it, dear?

It's from the BBC.

They want to know if I want to be in a sketch on telly.

Oh, that's nice.

Well, it's acting, isn't it? Yes.

Well, I'm a plumber. I can't act.

Oh, you never know till you try.

Look at Mrs. Brando's son next door.

He was mending the fridge when they came and asked him to be The Wild One.

What do they want you to do?

Well, they just want me to stand at a counter,

and when the sketch starts, I go out.

Oh, that sounds nice. It's what they call a walk-on.

Walk-on? It's a walk-off, that's what this is.

Well, where is he, George? I don't know.

He should have been here hours ago. He bloody should have been.

What else does it say?

It just says, "We would like you to be in a sketch.

You are standing at a counter. When the sketch starts, you go off.

Yours faithfully, Lord Hill."

Oh, well, better be off, then.

Well, what about the cat? Oh, I'll look after the cat.

Goodness me, Mrs. Newman's eldest never worried about the cat

when he went off to do the Sweet Bird of Youth.

All right then, all right. Bye-bye, dear.

Bye-bye, and mind you don't get seduced.

Well, it'll make a change from plumbing.

Dad, Frank's got a television part.

You missed him.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good morning, lam a bank robber.

Please don't panic, just hand over all your money.

This is a lingerie shop, sir.

Fine, fine, fine.

Adopt, adapt and improve.

Motto of the Round Table. Well, um...

What have you got?

We've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts, tights, bras,

slips, petticoats, knickers, socks and garters, sir.

Fine, fine.

Fine, fine. Um...

No large piles of money in safes?

No, sir. No deposit accounts?

No, sir. No piles of cash

in easy-to-carry bags? None at all, sir.

No luncheon vouchers? No, sir.

Fine, fine.

Well, um...

Adopt, adapt and improve.

Just a pair of knickers then, please.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, that was a bit of fun, wasn't it?

And a special good evening to you.

Not just an ordinary good evening like you get from all the other announcers,

but a special good evening from me...

to you.

Well, what have we got next? This is fun, isn't it?

Look, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything that any of you may be doing at home,

but I want you to think of me as an old queen.

Friend.

Well, let's see what we've got next.

In a few moments, It's A Tree.

And in the chair, as usual, is Arthur Tree.

And starring in the show will be a host of star guests as his star guests.

And then at 9:30,

we've got another rollicking half-hour of laughter-packed squalor

with Yes, it's the Sewage Farm Attendants.

And this week, Dan falls into a vat of human dung

with hilarious consequences.

But now it's the glittering world of show business with Arthur Tree.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Hello. Hello, people, and welcome to It's A Tree.

We have some really exciting guests for you this evening.

A fabulous spruce, back from a tour of Holland,

three gum trees, making their first appearance in this country,

Scot pine and the conifers,

and Elm Tree Bole, there you go, can't be bad,

an exiting new American plank,

a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust,

giving their views on teenage violence,

and an unusual guest for this program,

a piece of laminated plastic.

Hi there.

But first, will you please, please welcome a block of wood.

[APPLAUSE]

Well, Block. Nice to have you on the show again.

Well, uh, thanks, Tree. I've got to pay the rent.

[LAUGHTER]

Super. Well, what have you been doing, Block?

Well, I've just been starring

in several major, multi-million-dollar international films

and, during breaks on the set,

I've been designing a cathedral,

doing wonderful, unpublicized work for charity,

finishing my history of the world, of course,

pulling the birds... Oh!

Photographing royalty on the loo,

averting World War III, can't be bad,

and learning to read.

The full Renaissance bit, really.

BLOCK: Yeah, yeah. Super, super.

Well, I've got to stop you there, Block, I'm afraid,

because we've got someone who's been doing cabaret in the new forest,

from America, will you welcome please, a Chippendale writing desk.

Thank you, Mr. Tree.

I'd now like to do a few impersonations of some of my favourite Englishmen.

First off, Long John Sliver.

Arr, Jim Boy. Arr. Arr.

And now, Edward Heath.

Hello, sailor.

Now, a short scene from a play by Harold Splinter.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen?

But wait a minute, we've got something else

I just know you're going to love.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes, sir, coming right up,

the Vocational Guidance Counsellor sketch.

MAN 1 & 2 [SINGING]: Vocational guidance counsellor

MAN 3 [SINGING]: Vocational guidance counsellor

MAN 4 [SINGING]: Vocational guidance counsellor

[SINGING] Vocational guidance counsellor

[WHISTLING]

Ah, Mr. Anchovy. Do sit down.

Thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh?

Yes, yes.

Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.

Enough of this gay banter. Now, Mr. Anchovy,

you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.

That is correct, yes.

Well, I now have the results here of the interviews

and the aptitude tests that you took last week,

and from them we've built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person that you are.

And I think I can say, without fear of contradiction,

that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.

But I am a chartered accountant.

Jolly good. Well, back to the office with you then.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

I've been a chartered accountant for the last 20 years. I want a new job.

Something exciting that will let me live.

Well, chartered accountancy is rather exciting, isn't it?

Exciting? No, it's not.

It's dull. Dull, dull.

My God, it's dull, it's so desperately dull

and tedious and stuffy and boring

and desperately dull.

Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but you see, your report here

says that you are an extremely dull person.

You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow.

"Unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless,

easily dominated, no sense of humour,

tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful."

And whereas in most professions

these would be considerable drawbacks,

in chartered accountancy they're a positive boon.

But don't you see, I came here to find a new job.

A new life. A new meaning to my existence.

Can't you help me? Well,

do you have any idea of what you want to do?

Yes. Yes, I have. What?

Lion-taming.

Yes, yes.

Of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?

I mean, chartered accountancy to lion-taming in one go.

You don't think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion-taming, say, via banking?

No. No, no, no.

I don't want to wait. At 9:00 tomorrow,

I want to be in there, taming. Fine, fine.

But do you--? Do you have any qualifications?

Yes, I've got a hat.

A hat? Yes, a hat. A lion-taming hat.

A hat, with "lion-tamer" on it. I got it at Harrods.

And it lights up, saying, "lion-tamer" in great big neon letters

so you can tame them after dark, when they're less stroppy.

I see, I see.

You can claim reasonable wear and tear. Switch it off during the daytime, claim reasonable wear and tear

as allowable, professional expenses under paragraph--

Yes, yes, I do follow, Mr. Anchovy, but you see, the snag is,

if I now call Mr. Chipperfield and say to him,

"Look here, I've got a 45-year-old chartered accountant with me

who wants to become a lion-tamer,"

his first question is not going to be, "Does he have his own hat?"

He's going to ask what sort of experience you've had with lions.

Well, I-- I've seen them at the zoo.

Good, good, good. Yes, little brown furry things

with short stumpy legs and great long noses.

I don't know what all the fuss is about, I could tame one of those.

They look pretty tame to start with.

And these-- These lions, how high are they?

Well, they're about so high, you know. Mm-hm, mm-hm.

They don't frighten me at all. Really?

And do these lions eat ants? Yes, that's right.

Mm-hm.

Well, Mr. Anchovy, I'm afraid

what you've got hold of there is an anteater.

A what? An anteater. Not a lion.

You see, a lion is a huge savage beast

about 5 feet high, 10 feet long, weighing about 400 pounds,

running 40 miles an hour, with masses of sharp pointed teeth

and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws that could rip your belly open

before you could say Eric Robinson, and they look like this.

[ROARS] [SCREAMS]

Time enough, I think, for a piece of wood.

NARRATOR: The larch.

Now, shall I call Mr. Chipperfield? No. No, no, no.

I think your idea of making the transition to lion-taming

via easy stages, say via insurance or...

Or banking. Banking. Or banking. Banking, yes.

Yes, banking. That's a man's life, isn't it?

Banking. Travel, excitement, adventure, thrills.

Decisions affecting people's lives. Jolly good, well,

shall I put you in touch with a bank? Yes.

Fine. No, no, no.

Look, it's a big decision, I'd like just a couple of weeks to think about it.

You know, don't want to jump into it too quickly.

Maybe three weeks. I could let you know definitely then. I just don't want to make this decision...

Well, this is just one of the

all too many cases on our books of chartered accountancy.

[ANCHOVY MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

The only way that we can fight this terrible, debilitating social disease

is by informing the general public of its consequences.

By showing young people...

For a bit-- Just for a bit--

that it's just not worth it.

So please give generously to this address:

[COUNSELLOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Oh!

[CHUCKLING]

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? No, it wasn't, you fairy.

Oh, hello, sailor.

No, you wouldn't have got on one of our voyages.

They were all dead butch. Mm. That's not what I've heard.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

NARRATOR: There is an epic quality about the sea,

which has, throughout history, stirred the hearts and minds

of Englishmen of all nations.

Sir Francis Drake, Captain Webb,

Nelson of Trafalgar and Scott of the Antarctic

all rose to the challenge of the mighty ocean.

And today, another Englishman may add his name to the golden roll of history.

Mr. Ron Obvious of Neaps End.

For today, Ron Obvious hopes to be the first man

to jump the channel.

Ron, now let's just get this quite clear.

You're intending to jump across the English Channel?

Oh, yes, that is correct, yes.

And just how far is that?

Oh, well, it's 26 miles from here to Calais.

That's to the beach at Calais?

Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift off

and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast,

I shall be jumping into the centre of Calais itself.

Ron, are you using any special techniques

to jump this great distance?

Oh, no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two-footed jump

straight up in the air and across the channel.

I see. Ron, what is the furthest distance that you've jumped so far?

Oh, 11 foot 6 inches at Motspur Park on July the 22nd.

But I have done nearly 12 feet, unofficially.

I see. Ron, Ron. Ron,

aren't you worried, Ron--? Aren't you worried,

jumping 26 miles across the sea?

Oh, oh, no, no, no.

It is, in fact, easier to jump over sea than over dry land.

Well, how is that? Well, my manager explained it to me.

You see, if you're five miles out over the English Channel,

with nothing but sea underneath you,

there is a very great impetus to stay in the air.

I see. Well, thank you very much, Ron, and the very best of luck.

Thank you. Thank you.

The man behind Ron's cross-channel jump

is his manager Mr. Luigi Vercotti.

Mr. Vercotti.

Mr. Vercotti.

Mr. Vercotti. Mr. Vercotti. What?

I've never been-- I don't know what you're talking about.

No, we're from the BBC, Mr. Vercotti.

Who? The BBC.

Oh. Oh, I see. I thought-- I thought you were the...

I like the police a lot, I've got a lot of time for them.

Yes, Mr. Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?

Well, my main task is to fix a sponsor for the big jump.

And who is the sponsor? The Chippenham Brick Company.

They pay all the bills,

in return for which Ron will be carrying

half a hundredweight of their bricks. That was my idea.

I see. Well, it looks as if Ron is ready now.

He's got the bricks.

He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go.

And he's off, on the first ever cross-channel jump.

Will Ron be trying the cross-channel jump again soon?

No. No, I'm taking him off the jumps.

Because I've got something lined up for Ron next week

that I think is very much more up his street.

What's that? Ron is going to eat

Chichester Cathedral.

[BELLS CHIMING]

Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neaps End,

in an attempt which could make him the first man ever

to eat an entire Anglican cathedral.

[SCREAMING]

Well, I think, David, this is something which both Ron and myself are really keen on.

Ron is gonna tunnel from Godalming, here, to Java, here.

Java. Yeah.

I personally think this is gonna make Ron a household name overnight.

And how far has he got? Well, he's quite far now, Dave.

Well on the way. Well on the way, yeah.

Well, where is he, exactly?

Yeah. Where?

Oh, well, you know, it's difficult to say exactly.

He's, you know, in the area of...

Ron, how far have you got?

Oh, about 2 foot 6, Mr. Vercotti.

Yeah, well, keep digging lad, keep digging.

Mr. Vercotti, are you sure there isn't a spade?

Mr. Vercotti, what do you say to people

who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your own purposes?

Well, it's totally untrue, David.

Ever since I left Sicily, I've been trying to do the best for Ron.

I know what Ron wants to do, I believe in him.

And I'm just trying to create the opportunities for Ron

to do the kind of things he wants to do.

And what's he gonna do today?

He's gonna split a railway carriage with his nose.

[RON SCREAMING]

The only difficult bit for Ron is getting out of Earth's atmosphere.

Once he's in orbit, he'll be able to run straight to Mercury.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[RON SCREAMING]

VERCOTTI: I am now extremely hopeful that Ron will break the world record

for remaining underground.

He's a wonderful boy this, he's got this really enormous talent,

this really huge talent.

WOMAN 1: Oh, that's a bit sad, isn't it?

WOMAN 2: Shh! It's satire. WOMAN 1: No, it isn't.

This is zany, madcap humour. WOMAN 2: Oh, is it?

Good morning. I'd like to buy a cat. Morning.

Certainly, sir. I've got a lovely terrier.

No, I want a cat, really. Oh, yeah.

How about that?

No, that's the terrier.

Well, it's as near as, damn it.

Well, what do you mean? I want a cat.

Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit,

take its snout off, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussycat.

It's not a proper cat. What do you mean?

Well, it wouldn't meow. Well, it would howl a bit.

No. No, no, no. Have you got a parrot?

Oh, I'm afraid not, actually, guv, we're fresh out of parrots.

Tell you what though.

I'll lop its back legs off, make good.

Strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on,

and staple on a beak of your own choice.

No problem. Lovely parrot.

How long would that take? Oh, let me see.

Stripping the fur off, no legs...

Harry? MAN: Yeah.

Can you do a parrot job on this--? Can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?

MAN: No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale,

and then I got the frogs to let out.

Friday? No, I need it for tomorrow.

It's a present. Oh, dear, it's a long job,

you see, parrot conversion.

Tell you what, though. For free.

Terriers make lovely fish. I mean, I would do that for you straight away.

Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe,

bit of gold paint, make good.

You'd need a very big tank.

It's a great conversation piece.

Yes, all right, all right.

But, uh...

only if I can watch.

Oh, I thought that was a bit predictable.

It's been done before.

Yeah, we did it for Caesar's Christmas show.

No, you didn't, you did Jack and the Beanstalk.

Here, what was that picture?

Shh! Next.

Good morning, Mr. Phipps? That's right, yes.

Do take a seat. All right, sir.

Now, could you tell us, roughly, why you want to become a librarian?

Well, I've had a certain amount of experience running a library at school.

Yes, yes. What sort of experience?

Well, for a time, I ran the upper science library.

Yes, yes. Now, Mr. Phipps, of course,

you do realise that the post of librarian carries with it

certain very important responsibilities.

I mean, there's the selection of books, the record library, and the art gallery.

Now, it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage

is your lack of professional experience,

coupled with the fact that, being a gorilla,

you would tend to frighten people.

Is he a gorilla? Yes, he is.

Why didn't it say on his form that he's a gorilla?

Well, you see, applicants are not required to fill in their species.

What was that picture? Shh!

Mr. Phipps, what is your attitude towards censorship in a public library?

How do you mean, sir? Well, I mean, for instance,

would you stock Last Exit to Brooklyn or Groupie?

Yes, I think so. Good.

Yes, well, that seems to be very sensible, Mr. Phipps.

I can't pretend that this library hasn't had its difficulties.

Mr. Robertson, your predecessor, an excellent librarian,

savaged three people last week and had to be destroyed.

I'm sorry, sir. Oh, no, don't be sorry.

You see, I don't believe that libraries should be drab places

where people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for our policy

of employing wild animals as librarians.

And also, they're much more permissive.

Yes, yes. Pumas keep Hank Janson

on open shelves.

Yes, Mr. Phipps. Mr. Phipps, I love seeing the customers

when they come in to complain about some book being damaged

and ask to see the chief librarian,

and then you should see their faces when the proud beast leaps

from his tiny office, snatches the book from their hands,

and sinks his fangs into their soft...

Mr. Phipps. Kong-

You can be our next librarian.

You're proud, majestic and fierce enough.

Will you do it?

I don't think I can, sir. Why not?

I'm not really a gorilla. VICAR: What?

I'm a librarian in a skin.

Why this deception?

Well, they said it was the best way to get the job.

Get out, Mr. Librarian Phipps, seeing as you're not a gorilla

but only dressed up as one, trying to deceive us

in order to further your career.

Next.

Ah, Mr. Pattinson. Sit.

[MAN 1 READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[MAN 2 READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[MAN 3 READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

MAN 1 & 2: Good for you, ma'am.

[MAN 3 READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

MAN 1 & 2: Phew! Bet that's a job and a half, ma'am.

[MAN 4 READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

MAN 1: Bet that's a link, ma'am. MAN 2: Bet that's a link, ma'am.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[SNORING]

Vera. Vera, darling.

Wake up, my little lemon. Come to my arms.

Oh, Maurice. What are you doing here?

I could not keep away from you. I must have you all the time.

Oh, this is most inconvenient.

Don't talk to me about convenience.

Love consumes my naughty mind, I'm delirious with desire.

What's that, Vera? Oh, nothing, dear.

Just a trick of the light. Right-o.

Phew! That was close. Now then, my little banana,

my little fruit salad, I can wait for you no longer.

You must be mine, utterly. Oh, Maurice.

Vera. How dare you.

Roger. What's the meaning of this?

Oh, I can explain everything, my darling.

Who's this? This is Maurice Zatapathique,

Roger Thompson. Roger Thompson, Maurice Zatapathique.

How do you do? How do you do?

How could you do this to me, Vera? After all we've been through?

Damn it, I love you.

Vera. Don't you understand, it's me that loves you.

What's happening, Vera? Oh, nothing, dear.

Just a twig brushing against the window.

Right-o.

Come to me, Vera. Oh, not now, Roger.

Vera, my little hedgehog. Don't turn me away.

Oh, it cannot be, Maurice.

Hands off, you filthy, bally froggie. Oh, Ken. Ken Biggles.

Yes, Algy's here as well. Algy Braithwaite?

That's right, Vera.

Oh, God. You know we both still bally love you.

Oh, Biggles. Algy. Oh, but how wonderful.

What's happening, Vera? Oh, nothing, dear.

It's just the toilet filling up. Right-o.

Scusi, you tell me where is Mrs. Vera Jackson, please?

Yes, right and right again.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Right-o.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Oh, Vera. Do you remember Acapulco in the springtime?

Oh, the Herman Rodrigues Four.

[BAND PLAYING]

Vera. I distinctly heard a Mexican rhythm combo.

Oh, no, dear. It was just the electric blanket switching off.

Well, I'm going for a tinkle.

No, you can't do that.

Here, we haven't finished the sketch yet.

Dash it all, there's only another bally page.

I say. There's no one to react to.

Don't talk to the camera. Oh, sorry.

[some CHIMES]

Here, it's no good you coming in. He's gone and left the sketch.

Yes, he went for a tinkle.