Original subtitles

[RINGING]

[SPEEDED UP PANTING]

It's...

[♪ ♪ ♪]

NARRATOR: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

I thought you did that so well, Mr. Figgis.

Could I have your autograph?

FIGGIS: Certainly, yes. Hm.

[BUZZING]

[BUZZING STOPS]

[CLATTERING]

[CANNON FIRES]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, panties--

I'm sorry.

Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach.

Names that will live forever.

There is one composer whose name is never included with the greats.

Why is it the world never remembered the name

of Johann Gambolputty de Von Ausfern Schplenden-Schlitter-

Crasscrenbon-Fried Digger-Dangle-Dungle-

Burstein Von Knackerthrasher-Applebanger-

Horowitz Ticolensic Grander-Knotty Spelltinkle-

Grandlich Grumblemeyer Spelterwasser Kurstlich-

Himbleeisen-Bahnwagen Gutenabend-Bitte-

Ein Nürnburgerr-Bratwürstle Gerspurten Mitz Weimache-

Luber Hundsfut Gumberaber-Schonedanker-

Kalbsfleisch Mittler-Aucher Von Hautkopf of Ulm?

To do-- To do justice to this man,

thought by many to be the greatest name

in German Baroque music, we present a profile

of Johann Gambolputty de Von Ausfern Schplenden-Schlitter-

Crasscrenbon-Fried Digger-Dangle-Dungle-

Burstein Von Knackerthrasher-Applebanger-

Horowitz Ticolensic Grander-Knotty Spelltinkle-

Grandlich Grumblemeyer Spelterwasser Kurstlich-

Himbleeisen-Bahnwagen Gutenabend-Bitte-

Em Nürnburger-Bratwürstle Gerspurten Mitz Weimache-

Luber Hundsfut Gumberaber-Schönedanker-

Kalbsfleisch Mittler-Aucher Von Hautkopf of Ulm.

We start with an interview with his only surviving relative,

Karl Gambolputty de Von Ausfern--

Yeah, I first met

Johann Gambolputty de Von Ausfern Schplenden-Schlitter-

Crasscrenbon-Fried Digger-Dangle-Dungle-

Burstein Von Knackerthrasher-Applebanger-

Horowitz Ticolensic Grander-Knotty Spelltinkle-

Grandlich Grumblemeyer Spelterwasser Kurstlich-

Himbleeisen-Bahnwagen Gutenabend-Bitte-

Ein Nürnburger-Bratwürstle Gerspurten Mitz Weimache-

Luber Hundsfut Gumberaber-Schönedanker-

Kalbsfleisch Mittler-Aucher Von Hautkopf of Ulm,

when he was with his wife,

Sarah Gambolputty de won--

Yes, if-- If I may just, uh, cut in on you there,

Herr Gambolputty de Von Ausfern Schplenden-Schlitter-

Crasscrenbon-Fried Digger-Dangle-Dungle-

Burstein Von Knackerthrasher-Applebanger-

Ticolensic Grander-Knotty Spelltinkle-

Grandlich Grumblemeyer Spelterwasser Kurstlich-

Himbleeisen-Bahnwagen Gutenabend-Bitte-

Ein Nürnburger-Bratwürstle Gerspurten Mitz Weimache-

Luber Hundsfut Gumberaber-Schönedanker-

Kalbsfleisch Mittler-Aucher Von Hautkopf of Ulm,

and ask you just quickly

if there's any particular thing that you remember

about, uh, Johann Gambolputty de Von Ausfern Schplenden-Schlitter-

Crasscrenbon-Fried Digger-Dangle-Dungle-

Burstein Von Knackerthrasher-Apple--

[GASPS]

--Banger Ticolensic Grander-Knotty Spelltinkle-

[SPEAKS FASTER] Grandlich Grumblemeyer Spelterwasser Kurstlich-

Himbleeisen-Bahnwagen Gutenabend-Bitte-

Ein Nürnburger-Bratwürstle Gerspurten Mitz Weimache-

Luber Hundsfut Gumberaber-Schönedanker-

Kalbsfleisch Mittler-Aucher Von Hautkopf of Ulm?

[SIGHS]

Tsk.

A tribute to Johann Gambolputty de won--

Ausfern Schplenden-Schlitter-

Crasscrenbon-Fried Digger-Dangle-Dungle--

Dungle Burstein Von Knackerthrasher-

Applebanger Horowitz Ticolensic--

Grander-Knotty Spelltinkle--

Grandlich-- Grumblemeyer--

Spelterwassen- Kurstlich Himbleeisen"

Bahnwagen Gutenabend"

Bitter Ein Nürnburger--

Bratwürstle-- Gerspurten"

Mitz-- Weimache Luber Hundsfut

[IN UNISON] Gumberaber-Schönedanker-

[IN UNISON] Kalbsfleisch--

CROWD: Mittler-Aucher Von Hautkopf--

Of Ulm.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

MAN'S VOICE: Ooh!

MAN'S VOICE: Ooh!

[GROWLS]

Oh! Ooh, ooh!

[GROWLING]

What? That's it. We're not about to allow

this sort of smut to be shown on-screen.

I must agree with the censor.

Smut and filth have no place on the street.

Street-- On the street. No. Smut and filth should--

[CANNON FIRES]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

All clear? All clear, boss.

Right, this is the plan, then.

At 10:45, you, Reg, collect me and Ken in the van,

take us to the British Jewellery Centre in the High Street.

We will arrive outside the British Jewellery Centre at 10:50 a.m.

I shall then get out of the car.

You, Reg, take it and park it back here in Denver Street, right?

At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre,

where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me

and hand me £5.18 and 3 pence.

At 10:52, I shall approach the counter,

and purchase a watch costing £5.18 and 3 pence.

I shall then give the watch to you, Vic.

You will go straight to Norman's Garage on East Street.

You lads come and pick me back up at 10:56,

and we rendezvous in the backroom of the Cow and Sickle, at 11:15.

All right, any questions?

We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.

What do you mean? Well, we're paying for the watch.

Yeah.

Well, why are we paying for the watch?

They wouldn't give it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they?

I don't like this outfit. Why not?

Well, we never break the bloody law.

What do you mean? Well, look at that bank job last week.

What was wrong with that? Having to go in with a mask on,

and ask for £15 out of my deposit account, that's what was wrong.

What are you trying to say, Larry?

Couldn't we just steal the watch, boss?

Oh, you dumb cluck!

We spent weeks organizing this job.

Reg rented a room across the road

and filmed people going in and out everyday.

Vic spent three weeks looking at watch catalogues

till he knew the price of each one backwards.

I'm not-- I'm not going to risk the whole raid,

just for the sake of breaking the law.

Couldn't we park on the double-yellow line?

No! Couldn't we get a dog to"?

No! Here, boss.

Oh, what's the matter with you? I just thought--

I left the car on a meter and it's...

Overdue? Yes, boss.

How much? I don't know, boss.

Maybe two-- Maybe five minutes.

Five minutes overdue?

You fool!

You fool!

All right. No time to lose.

Ken, shave all your hair, get your passport,

and meet me at this address in Rio de Janeiro Tuesday night.

Vic, go to East Africa, have plastic surgery and meet me there.

Reg, go to Canada, work your way south to Nicaragua by July.

Larry, you stay here as frontman. Give us 15 minutes, then blow the building up.

All right? Make it fast! I can't blow the building up.

BOSS: Why not? Well, it's illegal.

Oh, bloody hell.

Well, we better give ourselves up, then.

We can't, boss. Why not?

We haven't done anything illegal.

[GUNSHOTS]

[ALARM RINGING]

MAN: Excuse me.

Oh, no, well, I think, uh, being illegal makes it more exciting.

Yeah, I agree. I mean, uh,

if you're gonna go straight,

you might as well be a-- A vicar or something.

What? What?

I agree. If there were fewer robbers,

there wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking.

I think sexual ecstasy is overrated.

Well, how very interesting, because I'm now made entirely of tin.

After a few more of these remarks,

I shall be appearing in a sketch, so stay tuned.

It's the uniform that puts them off. That and my bad breath.

[COUGHS]

We like dressing up, yes.

Hello again. I am, at present, still on film,

but in a few seconds

I shall be appearing in the studio. Thank you.

Hello.

Mr. Milton, you are sole proprietor and owner

of the Whizzo Chocolate Company? I am.

Superintendent Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad.

We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates

entitled the Whizzo Quality Assortment.

Ah, yes. If I may begin at the beginning.

First there is the Cherry Fondue. Oh.

This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.

Agreed. Heh. Next, we have number four:

"Crunchy Frog." Ah, yes. Heh-heh.

Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?

Yes, a little one. What sort of frog?

A dead frog.

Is it cooked? No.

What, a raw frog?

We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq,

cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed,

and then sealed in a succulent Swiss, quintuple-smooth,

treble-cream, milk-chocolate envelope,

and lovingly frosted with glucose.

That's as may be, it's still a frog.

Oh, what else? Don't you even take the bones out?

If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?

Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.

EXCUSE me a moment.

[GAGS]

It says "Crunchy Frog" quite clearly.

Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl.

People won't expect there to be a frog in there.

They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog.

"Mock frog"? We use no artificial preservatives

or additives of any kind.

Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future,

you should delete the words "Crunchy Frog"

and replace them with the legend:

"Crunchy, raw, unboned, real, dead frog,"

if you want to avoid prosecution.

What about our sales? I'm not interested in your sales.

I have to protect the general public.

Now, how about this one?

PRALINE: It was number five, wasn't it?

Number five, "Ram's Bladder Cup."

[GAGS]

What kind of confection is this?

We use choicest, juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder,

emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds,

whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.

"Lark's vomit"? Correct.

Well, it don't say nothing about that here.

Oh, yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.

Well, I hardly think this is good enough.

I think it would be more appropriate if the Bo-- If the box bore

a large red label warning "lark's vomit."

Our sales would plummet.

Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery,

like praline or lime cream, a very popular flavour, I'm lead to understand.

I mean look at this one, "Cockroach Cluster."

[GAGS]

"Anthrax Ripple."

What's this one, "Spring Surprise"? Oh.

Now, that's our specialty. Heh.

Covered in darkest creamy chocolate,

when you pop it in your mouth steel bolts spring out

and plunge straight through both cheeks.

Well, where's the pleasure in that?

If people place a nice choccy in their mouths,

they don't want their cheeks pierced.

In any case, this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat.

I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.

It's a fair cop. Stop talking to the camera.

I'm sorry.

If only the general public would take more care

when buying its sweeties, it would reduce

the number of man-hours lost to the nation,

and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped,

and sitting around in public lavatories.

[GAGS]

The BBC would like to apologize for the extremely poor quality

of the next announcement, only he's not at all well.

We present, "The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker."

[GAGS]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

[EXPLOSIONS]

[GUNFIRE]

[SOLDIERS SCREAMING]

[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]

[Blows]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Yes, sir, coming right up,

the theatre sketch, so don't move!

[FANFARE MUSIC PLAYS]

Me heap want see play.

Me want play start heap soon.

Yes, well, I-- I think it begins in a minute.

Me heap-big fan Cicely Courtneidge.

Yes, she's-- She's very good. She fine actress.

She make interpretation heap subtle.

She heap-good diction and timing.

She make part really live for Indian brave.

Yes. Yes, she's marvellous. Mm.

My father, Chief Running Stag, leader of mighty Redfoot tribe,

him heap keen on Michael Denison and Dulcie Gray.

Um...

Do you go to the theatre a lot?

When moon high over prairie, when wolf howl over mountain,

when mighty wind roar through Yellow Valley,

we go Leatherhead rep, block-booking, upper circle.

Whole tribe get in on 3 and 6 each.

That's very good. Stage manager, Stan Wilson,

heap-good friend Redfoot tribe. Ha. All right.

After show we go powwow.

Speakum with director, Sandy Camp, in snug bar of Bell and Compasses.

Him mighty fine director.

Him heap famous.

Yes, well, I-- I don't know him myself.

Him say Leatherhead rep like do play with Redfoot tribe.

Oh, that's good. We do Dial M for Murder.

Chief Running Elk, him kill buffalo with bare hands,

run thousand paces when the sun is high.

Him play Chief Inspector Hardy.

Heap-good fine actor.

You, uh, you do a lot of acting, do you?

Yes, Redfoot tribe live by acting and hunting.

You don't" You don't fight anymore? Yes!

Redfoot make war.

When Chief Yellow Snake was leader,

and Mighty Eagle was in land of forefather,

we fight Pawnee at Oxbow Crossing.

When Pawnee steal our rehearsal copies of Reluctant Debutante,

we kill 50 Pawnee.

Houses heap full every night.

Heap good publicity.

I-- I think he's about to start now. Thank God for that.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

Paleface like eat chocolate?

No, thank you very much. Mm.

Crunchy Frog. Heap good.

Ladies and gentlemen, before the play starts,

I would like to apologize to you all.

But unfortunately, Miss Cicely Courtneidge

is unable to appear, owing to--

[SCREAMS]

[YELLING, DRUM BEATING]

Oh, did you read that, Edgar? What's that, dear?

There's been another Indian massacre at Dorking Civic Theatre.

About time, too, dear.

"Those who were left alive at the end got their money back."

That's what live theatre needs, a few more massacres.

"The police are anxious to speak to anyone who saw the crime,

ladies with large breasts, or just anyone who likes policemen."

Yes, policemen make wonderful friends.

So if you are over 6 feet tall and would like a friend,

a pen friend in the police force, here is the address to write to:

Mrs. Ena Frog, 8 Masonic Apron Street, Cowdenbeath.

Remember, policemen make wonderful friends.

So write today and take advantage of our free officer.

Thank you.

And now for the next sketch.

Oh.

Oh, thank you. Heh.

Oh. "A Scotsman on a Horse."

POLICEMAN: For Mrs. Emma Hamilton of Nelson, "A Scotsman on a Horse."

[BAGPIPE MUSIC PLAYS]

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[HORSE GALLOPING]

Oh, I liked that.

I want to get one of those for myself too, peachy-face.

[MOTOR REVVING]

[YELPS]

[GRUNTS]

[YELPS]

MAN 1: It's the police, Percy. We know you're in there,

so come out with your hands up high and there'll be no trouble.

PERCY: You'll never take me alive, copper.

MAN 1: Oh, all right.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[SQUEAKS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Morning, boys. ALL: Good morning, Mr. Saltzberg.

Hey, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Well, boys, I want you to know that I think you're the best six writers

in movies today. Oh.

I want you to know that I've had an idea for the next movie,

I'm gonna produce and I want you boys to write it.

[CHATTERING]

Oh, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down!

There'll be plenty of time for that later on.

Now here's my idea--

It's great! You like it, huh?

Yeah, yeah, great! Really terrific. Yeah.

Do you like it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Ha-ha. Yeah. Yeah

What do you like best about it?

Oh. Oh, well, you haven't told us what it is yet.

What? Um...

I like what he likes. What do you like?

Oh, I like what he likes. I like what he likes.

I like what he likes. I'm crazy about what he likes.

What do you like about it? I agree with them.

Good. Now we're getting somewhere.

[SIGHS]

Now, here's the start of the movie:

I see snow. Ooh!

White snow. Think of the colours!

And in the snow, I see a tree.

Yes! Yes! Wait, wait. I haven't finished yet.

There's more? And by this tree, gentlemen,

I see a dog.

[ALL CHEER]

And gentlemen, this dog goes up to the tree, and he piddles on it.

ALL: Hallelujah!

Have we got a movie!

He tells it the way it is!

It's where it's at! This is something else!

It's out of sight!

I like it! I like it!

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah! I promise I like it.

Sir, I don't know how to say this, but I've got to be perfectly frank.

I really and truly believe this story of yours

is the greatest story in motion-picture history.

Get out! Huh?

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a yes man! Get out!

[SOBBING]

I'll see you never work again!

What do you think?

Well, I, uh-- Just because I have an idea,

it doesn't mean it's great. It could be lousy.

It could? It-- Yeah!

What do you think?

It's lousy. There you are.

Well, you see, he spoke his mind. He said my idea was lousy.

It just so happens my idea isn't lousy

so get out you goddamn pinko subversive, get out!

[SOBS]

You!

Well, I-- I think it's an excellent idea.

Are you a yes man?

No, no, I mean, uh-- The-- Uh-- There may be things against it.

You think it's lousy, huh? No, no, uh, I mean, it-- It takes time.

Are you being indecisive? I-- "Yo." "Nes." Perhaps. Oh!

Now, I hope you three gentlemen aren't gonna be indecis--

What the hell are you doing under that table?

We dropped our pencils. Yeah.

Pencil droppers, eh? ALL: No, no, no!

Right.

Now, I want your opinion of my idea. You!

Ohh!

Has he had a heart attack?

[MUMBLING]

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who have heart attacks!

I feel fine now. Well, what do you think?

Uh-- What? You didn't ask me, you asked him.

Oh, you didn't ask me, you asked him.

I, uh-- Him. Him! Him!

I've changed my mind. I'm asking you, the one in the middle.

[GASPS]

The one in the middle? Yes, the one in the middle.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Yes, Dimitri.

No, no, it's all right. Just a second. Go on, all right.

What the hell are you doing?

Um, thinking.

Get back in those seats immediately.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Right, you!

The one in the middle, what do you think?

[WHIMPERING]

SALTZBERG: Come on! Uh, uh-- Splunge!

[WHIMPERS]

Did he say "splunge"? Yep.

What does "splunge" mean?

[STAMMERS]

It means, it's a great idea, but-- But-- But possibly not.

And I'm not being indecisive!

Good. Right. What do you think?

Ah. splunge? Okay.

Uh, yeah, yeah, splunge for me too, yeah.

So all three of you think splunge?

Yeah. Well, now we're getting somewhere.

No, wait! A new angle! Oh.

In the snow, instead of the tree,

I see Rock Hudson. Oh, yeah.

And instead of the dog, I see Doris Day.

Oh, yes! And, gentlemen,

Doris Day goes up to Rock Hudson and she kisses on him.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

It's a love story. Intercourse, Italian-style.

David Hemmings as a hippie Gestapo officer.

Frontal nudity. A family picture. A comedy.

And then, when Doris Day's kissed Rock Hudson,

she says something funny... Like?

Uh-- "Good evening"?

Doris Day's a comedienne, not a newsreader. Get out!

She says something funny like...?

[MUMBLING]

"Splunge." That's the stupidest idea I ever heard!

[SOBBING]

Get out!

Doris Dog kisses Rock Tree and she says...?

I can't take it anymore! I like that!

I like that, "I can't take it anymore!"

And then Rock Hudson says:

"I'm a very rich film producer and I need a lobotomy."

And then Doris Dog says:

"I think you're very handsome and I'm gonna take all my clothes off."

And then Doris Dog turns into a yak,

and goes to the bathroom on David Lemming.

No, wait, wait!

Hello? Hello?

[RINGS]

SALTZBERG [OVER PHONE]: Hello, who are you? You're an out-of-work writer?

Well, you're fired!

Roll the credits!

Produced by Irving C. Saltzberg, Junior,

in an Irving C. Saltzberg Production, Ltd.

And Saltzberg Art Films, Oil, Real Estate,

Banking and Prostitution, Inc.

[♪ ♪ ♪]