All language subtitles for alone_-_s01e10

Being here gave me the opportunity to
reflect upon my life. And what I found

was incredible.

For me, there's something bigger going
on here.

There's a point where you just gotta go.

I have a lot of anxiety not knowing if
my mom is okay. She was diagnosed with

brain cancer.

And I know in my heart, I need to go see
her.

So I guess I'm gonna just keep driving
on. I'm not real big into quitting.

Absolutely no part of me is tapping out
that back.

They'll either come and get me one day
and say, okay, you're done, you can stop

now. Or they'll medevac me out of here.

I'm a tough Nebraska dude.

I'm not quitting. I'm staying here no
matter what.

This is going to be a bitch.

We have to film it and we're totally
alone.

Nobody knows what it's like here except
for the ten guys out here doing it. I'm

going to get sheltered. There's nobody
here but me.

It's so hard doing this.

I'm scared to death right now.

I feel like I'm starving.

I'm pretty sure I just saw a cougar at
all.

The last man standing wins $500,000.

I don't want to go home. I want to win.

It's the chance in a lifetime, but it's
not worth dying over.

I'm just trying to get things picked up,
but... Holy crap.

I'm used to high winds, but this is
nuts.

This is crazy nuts.

Holy cow.

No, this is too bad.

Okay, uh... I'm gonna get sheltered.

I'm gonna get to shelter.

This is not me being dramatic at all.

This is not... I'm not making this up.

The wind is literally blowing me over.

It just keeps getting worse and worse.

These winds are coming off the Pacific
and just ripping at my shelter.

And I live in tornado country, so I know
what it's like to be around high winds.

But this is insane. This is a whole new
caliber.

Just getting worse.

At this point, I've lost all passion for
being out here.

I have no enthusiasm for any of this
anymore.

This place has just beaten the crap out
of me.

Darving.

Mentally, I've just been donked just
from being solo.

Seven weeks.

I've been out here seven weeks.

This is the toughest thing I've ever had
to do in my life.

It's insane.

This place has driven me into the ground
like I never thought it could.

Things aren't going to get any better
from here.

It's only going to get colder and more
miserable.

And meanwhile, I've got this beautiful
wife with a baby in her belly ready to,

you know... She's partway into her third
trimester now.

I've been out here for so long, you
know?

It's like... You just forget.

Man, you forget everything.

The weather has just been terrible. It's
been a high wind, hurricane force at

times, 65-mile-an-hour gusts, and it
just reaffirms the

power that weather and the tide has on
your life and your decisions.

I haven't eaten much in days.

This morning I felt like I would have a
shot at getting some real food, but no

luck there.

We've got a pretty heavy rainstorm
happening, so.

No food again today, which is kind of a
bummer.

I'm just not into getting wet and not
into getting cold if I don't have to.

And there's really nothing going on.

I stuck my pot out the door, kept some
rainwater.

I'm getting a little low on water. I
haven't done a fire. There hasn't been a

use to, no purpose.

I haven't taped anything today.

There's nothing to do. There's nothing
to tape other than me just sitting here.

That's it.

I just sit here.

My shelter is not even big enough to sit
up in, about half of it. And the other

half you can sit up in. None of it you
can stand up in.

And it's just long enough for me to lay
down in.

So it's about as confined as you can
get, you know.

And being in here day after day after
day, it's been terrible.

But we'll see how it takes out.

The storm is the worst.

The wind hasn't stopped pounding.

I didn't get any sleep last night, it
seemed.

I just... The wind and the rain, it was
so loud.

Just shaking the tarp like crazy.

Threw my rain gear over my sleeping bag
just in case any...

Rain was dripping in, so that helped a
little bit, I think.

At least I'm pretty dry.

Man, I can't function mentally in this
state. I

can't think of what to do. I'm not

sharp when I'm this sleep-deprived and
when I'm this hungry.

raging mess out there.

Hate it.

I'm not quitting.

I'm not giving up.

I'm staying here no matter what.

I will be here.

So, no chow today, again.

It is still raining. It's been raining
pretty hard. My feet actually got very,

very cold, and so that's my main issue
right now.

We'll see how that goes.

The woods are kind of merciless. They
just do what they do, and you either

adapt to that or...

They'll take you.

I guess I've kind of peaked out in a
way. I've hit my peak here.

I didn't think about, honestly, about
how long I could go doing this thing. I

didn't know when I landed if I was going
to be here three days.

We got dropped out of helicopters and
boats and float planes and a Pelican

case full of camera gear, and they said,
best of luck to you.

So?

This is home.

We are here. This is crazy.

I'm a complete lunatic.

It seems like just yesterday, you know,
just getting here, getting started.

I'm getting pretty dried out to the
point I stopped filming with the other

camera, and that's what's frustrating.

These cameras, that's a hole.

facet of this that I just, I didn't
realize how hard it would be to do all

this and try to film it.

Go to British Columbia, they said.

It'll be fun.

Oh, it's beautiful there.

Abundant resources.

This is day four.

And I have this little stick.

I've been marking in little notches.

Because as we start getting into more
days, I'll lose track, I'm sure.

You either learn to survive or you don't
survive.

There is no other dog ate my homework,
whoops, forgot to pay the light bill.

You either figure out a way or you're
toast.

14 days.

You either do it or you don't.

And then you move from survival to
thrival.

It's dry.

Dry wood!

Dry!

This is impossible. I cannot work in
this light. These conditions are not

conducive for my artistic juices.

And so now it's just time, really, is
what you're looking at.

I noticed this morning when I put my
pants on, I've lost a significant amount

of weight. I could probably put two
fists in there from my stomach to the

waistband.

Man, it's cold out here. I could cut
diamonds with my nipples.

I miss at home thinking about my babies,
thinking about Mama.

I want to kiss them, kiss their little
forehead, kiss their little faces.

What day is it?

The weather.

The weather and the tide can make or
break you out here for sure.

You know, we're here at the worst time
of year, man. We're here in the dead

middle of winter.

Yeah, part of me is like, well, I'm
ready to go here.

I tell you, about day 40, psychological
aspects started kicking in on this more

than they have been.

By then, you've done everything enough
and you're into that.

loop that everything slows way, way
down.

Crawling and that last gasping breath as
you're expending that last bit of

energy. It's the same old deal.

Like playing a repeat button. It's just
like your life, my life, anybody's life.

You get into a routine.

You have a schedule.

Mine involves limping some seaweed and
boiling water every day.

You know, you just wonder, well, how
long do I want to do this? What is

enough for me? What is my finish line
out here?

What am I looking for? Have I found it?

Have I done what I came out here to do?

My goal was to come out here and not
die.

So I did that.

I just feel totally separated from time.

Just like it's...

An ever-present moment.

No past, no future.

Just now.

When you come and you stand alone,

it's all very real.

And I still honestly don't know how long
I have in me here.

I'm not trying to prove anything to
anybody. I'm not trying to do this to

say, hey, look, I'm the baddest man in
the world.

Because I'm not.

I'm just a guy. Really nothing special
about me. I'm just your regular guy.

You know, I could just go home.

I'm dehydrated. I haven't had food.

I haven't slept in three nights.

I'm feeling good.

I came out here to have an epic
adventure, and it's turned out to be

pretty crazy.

Now, keep in mind, epic doesn't
necessarily mean fun all the time or

painless, so I guess this does fit the
bill.

It just goes to show what can happen if
you don't know the environment you're

going into before you are in it.

I've been in it for a long time.

Landing on the island was like the
coolest thing ever because you're in

this plane and then I shook the pilot's
hand and then he's gone.

And you're just alone out there.

Yeah!

I feel like a mosquito in a nudist
colony.

So much work to do.

Instantly, it's just the coolest.

Most fun feeling.

Like, let's go get them. Bam!

Just found a rope.

And then in a few short minutes, it
turns to... Oh, man. This is pretty

wild. I don't know about this. This is
crazy.

Golly. Day five.

Michael Jackson glove.

This is all a marathon. It's not a
sprint. It's not in any way, shape, or

form. You don't need to rush.

Timber. There's a lot to get
accomplished.

Bam.

Dead something.

I was kind of running around like a
chicken with my head cut off.

Oh, yeah.

Bam.

Salmon.

I think this is good for me. This is a
good opportunity for me to really kind

of go into myself and find.

Find some kind of happiness out here
while I'm alone, or see if that's

possible. All night long, baby.

Day 23.

I miss being around people on a daily
basis.

I miss my wife.

Yeah, it's good.

Eat your bowl cup, kids.

Bam.

I didn't know how hard it would be just
not having enough food. I've never, ever

been so hungry in my life.

Whammo!

Mouthy feast.

It's so weird how I'm changing mentally
out here. I think I'm getting wiser out

here, but there's absolutely no way to
describe how you feel out here.

It's the strangest, strangest feeling.

At this point, you're anything but
normal.

I look terrible.

Holy crap.

What the heck?

Wow. Not good mentally. I am not good in
the head right now.

Just how crazy this whole thing has been
and how difficult it is and the fact

that I'm just so isolated out here and
that I just want to speak to my wife and

I'm just getting the crap eat out of me
out here.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

All my energy is gone.

I'm getting some weird seasickness thing
from this.

Tarp just banging against my head and
laughing all over the place.

The noise, everything about it, the rain
coming in.

I'm trying to...

I'm totally just depleted. I

don't have any energy.

This is by far the worst set of weather
I've gotten.

That's every last bit of it. I'm totally
worthless here in this tent.

I don't know if I can make it another
day out here.

Not in this.

It's starving, but I can't go.

I just hate the thought of tapping out.

Hey, guys. Hey, there.

I totally got my chops handed to me by
this place, but it's over.

There's absolutely no way to describe
the feeling after you've been in the

woods solo for eight weeks.

It's just the most bizarre thing. It's
not like real life at all.

I always just try to tough things out,
but it's just been a...

Slow, brutal decline of just losing
passion for this, wanting to be out,

wanting to be home, taking care of my
pregnant wife.

She deserves to have me home at this
point. I mean, she's going through one

of the craziest times in her life with
her first pregnancy. She deserves to

have someone there to hold on to in
times get really, really tough.

She deserves it.

I can't wait to see my wife again.

See how much larger she's gotten since I
saw her last.

It's going to be the best part of all.

Better than showering, better than food,
just talking to my wife.

It's going to be awesome.

Being out here is just a kick in the
butt into adulthood, I think.

It's totally grown me up tremendously,
and I think it's going to make me a

better guy and a better husband and
soon-to-be father.

So it's the morning of the 56th day.

I was just walking around and I found
another slug.

It's like all of a sudden they're back.
Here they are.

Yeah, there he is.

I thought they had flown south for the
winter because I quit seeing them.

This is no average slug. That is a slug
among slugs. That is the big daddy.

So we're going to... Oh, here's another
one. Look.

Oh, my goodness.

Look at, oh, man.

This one is even bigger.

Whoa. This is awesome.

This is awesome. I have hit the honey
hole.

I wonder how many. There's another one.
Oh, could it be? Is it? Oh, it is.

Hi there, fella.

My prayers have been heard and answered.

I will find them. I'll find more, too.

I know they're out there.

I know you're out here.

I can sense your presence.

The best part of this journey here

is further knowing yourself.

The woods are spiritual, and they always
have been for me.

And I love it.

You know, there's no rites of passage in
our modern culture.

And almost all people of the world had
these rites of passage.

And they were a method by which people
could go out into the world when they're

making their transition from a young
person into an adult, do some task or

spend some time alone.

And the whole goal was to come back
ready to be an adult.

And part of what happened, is
self-examination, a chance to know

yourself.

This will boil you down to your essence.

I'll tell you something. After several
days of just living off seaweed, that

was good to have a real meal.

Yesterday was probably the hungriest
I've ever been.

Choppers are coming out now.

At this point, I'm thinking, I don't
know how long I want to do this, how

long I can do this. I can just go home.

You know, me talking to myself, I'm
asking myself, what are your goals? What

is this?

that you're trying to do?

What are you trying to prove here?

I just miss life.

I miss all of it.

100 over 80, so it's lovely, Brother
Tucker.

Lowest it's ever been.

Yeah. Probably the seafood diet I'm on.

I've pretty much just lived it day by
day.

I came out here and I got into the
rhythm of things and just did what I do

in the woods, in any woods, in any
situation. I just follow the same type

of methodology that I've always
followed.

Can I keep doing this thing? Yeah, I
think I can keep doing it.

Before I came here, my wife asked me,
talking about my biggest fear, and asked

me what it was.

And I said, failure, you know.

And my wife said, well, what does that
mean to you?

And I never had thought about it that
way. I never quantified what a failure

here would look like.

But it wasn't about beating another
person. It was about just coming here

and pouring out what I had.

And once I have done that, then for me,
that's my own victory.

So, Alan, we need to tell you something.

Before I came here, my wife asked me my
biggest fear and asked me what it was,

and I said failure.

And my wife said, well, what does that
mean to you?

And I never had thought about it that
way. I never quantified what a failure

here would look like.

But it wasn't about beating another
person. It was about just coming here

and pouring out what I had.

And once I have done that, then it...
For me, that's my own victory.

So, Alan, I need to tell you something.

You've outlasted everybody.

Are you?

For real?

This is it?

So soon?

God.

I was working on a spring guard and I
was thinking, If I'm still here in the

spring, this is going to be difficult.

Wow.

Man.

What do you think?

I don't know what to think, man.

That's been something else.

Already.

Huh.

All right, let's burn this place down.

You've got a ladder in your pocket.

Holy crap.

What are you doing?

Good evening.

Are you ready to go home?

Yeah. Are you? Yeah.

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, that is pretty, uh,

this doesn't compare to Holland.

No. It is nice, man.

Yeah.

Nice trails.

You going to see my house? I'd love to
see it. Thanks.

Don't trip. This is really slick.

Yeah, you go first. That way, if you
slide, I'll get you.

I'm going to progress a bit.

This is my calendar stick. That's how I
kept track of time.

Each day?

Yep. First thing every morning, I'd get
up, take my kukri, and I'd just live to

put a new notch in it. Each one
represents overcoming something every

day.

And I know that was October 22nd. I kept
track.

How many notches do you have?

56.

Today's 56?

I put that one on this morning.

I do want to show you.

This is not the last time.

Is there a pregnancy test in here? Not
this time.

Do you remember when we were in Maine?

This is better than a pregnancy test. I
went to sit down for breakfast, and on

the plate was a pregnancy test with a
little positive thing.

You'll receive this one better. Oh.

I was happy last time.

Yeah.

Well, pay the house off.

Is that what you want to do with it? No.
What do you really want to do with it?

First thing I want to do is let Dad quit
his job.

He's taken care of me all his life and
Mom, so I want to take care of them, you

know, make it where they can enjoy what
they got left.

And me, I don't need too much. Maybe
it's about getting Caleb's eye fixed,

too.

My oldest son, he's been blind since he
was born, and one of his eyes, so maybe

we can fix it.

And then whatever's left, we'll throw at
the house.

Sounds good. Yeah.

You want this, son?

Sure, let's take it.

We gone.

See you later.

It's the first time I've operated any
type of machine since all that started.

I think I'll come away from this looking
at everything in a totally different

light.

Family and friends.

Food.

and how we consume it.

And even little things, you know, that
we take for granted in our daily lives,

like being able to turn a knob and clean
water comes out.

I've had a lot of time, just on a
spiritual level, to analyze, you know,

myself, my life, where I'm at.

You know, one of my main priorities is
being a father, and that's what I want

to be, and I want to be a good one.

I've been in the wood.

Oh, the things we take for granted in
life.

What do you think?

It's the little bitty stuff.

We're going to need somebody to hold the
bag just like that.

You hold it like that.

We are survival machines.

My good friend Dave Connell said that to
me.

I like him.

He said that. We are survival machines,
and I never thought about it, but when

you look at human creatures, we are
survival machines.

Look at what the human spirit can do.

I mean, you hear about these people that
overcome just insurmountable odds and go

through traumatic injuries, and they
just... persevere and they just gut

through it. You know, we're amazing.

You know, we're amazing creations.

See the holes in it?

Do you know what happened to it?

A bug came in and ate it. Not a bug, a
slug.

They're kind of like a bug.

While I was gone, I ate a bunch of them
on the island.

I thought they tasted really good.

Sure, there's those periods of
adaptation.

You kind of hit a wall.

But then once you tune in to the new
surroundings and things just start

clicking, you just kind of adapt.

We're amazing.

People are just amazing. We just don't
realize it.

It's all in there. You just have to get
the right stimuli to bring it out of you

to tap into it.

Yeah, there's nothing like some time in
the woods to really put life in

perspective for you, I tell you. Still
got some over here we need to finish.

You got to get quiet.

But I tell you, you know, time in the
woods also makes you appreciate society.

You're not meant to be isolated or alone
for a long period of time.

It's just not in our DNA. It's not how
we're wired.

We've got some more over here.

There's really no place like home.
There's no substitute for that.

that we make so much drama about don't
mean a hill of beans because we're all

just passing through for a short time.

And the stuff that we have all this
anxiety and drama about and argue over

means nothing.

In the end, it only comes down to love.

That's really the only legacy you've
got, I think, that lasts.

The love you show your children, the
love you show your friends, that carries

on. That ripples throughout eternity.

The rest of it's just rubbish.