Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Pig.

You fuckin' bitch.

Welcome to pleasure deck five.

Would you like a complimentary shot of spicy opium rum?

Don't mind if I do.

Let's hear it for Coco El Dorado.

Woo!

Yeah!

- All right! - That's right.

Not only can you own

one of our exciting pleasure clones for the evening,

but you can also choose from over 500 exotic,

erotic holographic fantasy scenarios.

This is Astrid Covair,

one of our most popular pleasure clone models.

Enjoy.

So how 'bout a little taste?

You damn right.

And once the Marines equipped her

with the Trinity sharpshooter dual 35 millimeter gun turret,

she was without a doubt

the finest suborbital medium bomber of her time.

Now I own quite a few vintage military spacecraft.

But once I restore her,

the CamaroVille belt will be without a doubt

the prize for my collection.

Collecting old spaceships must be an expensive hobby.

Can you afford to buy a girl a drink?

Well now I reckon I could afford to buy a lotta girls

a lotta drinks.

Whoa there, Haas.

Pull your horns in.

Say, you wouldn't be interested in buyin'

a nearly new bionic eye, would you?

Now lookie here.

Do I look like the type of fella

to be interested in black market bionics?

Hmm, let me get my glasses.

Just a second.

Anyway, where were we?

- Take it off! - Give it to me.

Yeah!

Ow!

Yeah, all right!

Yeah, woo!

Did you get it?

Fuck yeah, I got it.

You got something for me?

Sure do.

Uh, Burdett.

Level two.

Well just a second, sir.

I have to validate your parking pass.

Burdett, Lone Star.

Hey, wait a minute.

You're not Burdett.

Stand back.

Don't touch me.

Feed me.

I want this done by the book.

Right. No one in or out 'til the cash is secure.

Val Falco.

What's up, baby?

C'mere, drink with me.

Congrats on the big promotion, man.

Here, man. Tranja on me.

Hey Lucky, I'm on duty and I don't drink with scumbags.

And even if I did drink with scumbags while on duty,

I still wouldn't drink with you.

Still funny.

You ain't lost it, baby.

C'mon. Hey, can I tempt you?

You have fun, Lucky.

I'ma keep my eye on you.

Hey, you do what you gotta do, baby.

I guess it's time for plan B.

What the hell?

Is this a remix?

- Is that the alarm? - What the hell?

What if there's a crack in the hull?

There's a crack in the hull.

The pressure'll crush us like bugs.

We're all gonna die up here.

Please don't panic.

We have everything under control.

Everyone please remain calm.

We have everything under control.

Wow, you're Captain Richards.

Yeah, Trix Richards wanted in seven galaxies for piracy.

Can I have your autograph?

Nice.

Don't just stand there with your tits hangin' out.

Get my money into the cashbox.

Fuck this shit.

You said no one was gonna get hurt, Pepper.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Just stick to the plan, all right?

C'mon.

Bored.

Hold it right there.

I don't know what's goin' on here,

but I'm pretty sure you guys are in some big trouble.

Oh no. I hope we haven't done anything naughty.

Oh, she's crazy.

Let's go.

Hold it right there, scumbag!

Yeah.

The fuck you think you're goin'?

No, no!

I will splatter this bitch's brains

all over your fucking casino

and don't think that I won't do it.

Because I will.

Get up here, bitch.

Get your asses over there by that fucking stage now!

Move it!

Nobody's fuckin' playin' with you.

Please.

Stop!

Right now, you see?

You see? Shh.

You see?

This way nobody has to get hurt.

Shot.

Oh my god.

Stand back.

This is a getaway.

Let's go.

Attention all units, attention all units.

Be on the lookout for a stolen Camaro class cruiser.

The crew's considered highly dangerous

and should be shot to death on-site.

Captain Trix Richards is wanted

for 16 acts of interstellar piracy.

She is highly unpredictable and believed to be insane.

Eyewitness reports indicate

that a notorious bionic renegade known as Automatic Jones

is likely to have joined up with the fugitives.

Ex-Space Marine Ginger Maldonado

was court marshaled for aggravated insubordination.

Candy Car Miranda, formerly the fastest starfighter pilot

in the solar system until her personal demons

caused her to turn to a life of crime.

Doc Calaveras kicked off of every civilized planet

in the solar system for illegal bionic surgery.

He's also wanted for dealing in alien pharmaceuticals.

Vette VanVanderzander, a high-class debutant

who's sworn to overthrow the government

by any means necessary.

There's also reason to believe that the alleged perpetrators

may have had accomplices on the inside.

Disqual cruise director, Pepper Vance

and a Covair model pleasure clone

are also wanted for questioning in connection

with Captain Richards' latest daring heist.

Attention all units, attention all units.

Be on the lookout for a stolen Camaro class cruiser.

The crew's considered highly dangerous and should be-

Captain's log.

Star date:

whatever.

The important part is that once again I got away with it.

I live to steal another day.

You, plot in the course for the far side of the small moon.

But Captain, the small moon is supposed to be robots.

Shut up and do it, robot.

I'm not a robot.

What was that?

Nothing.

Plotted.

Hold on to your garters, girls.

Full astro drive in five, four,

three, two,

one.

Hit it.

Are you pickin' up anything on the scope?

Heavy cloud cover, electrical storms.

Sensors won't be able to penetrate the clouds.

Well that's what's gonna make this place

such a great hideout.

Miranda, talk to me.

All right, lemme get this straight.

I'm gonna fly down through the cloud coverage

and then find a safe place to land.

And then?

And then we follow your beacon signal down.

All right then, what are we waiting for?

I don't wanna live forever.

That's the spirit.

Open the bomb bay door.

Long-range scanners are picking up something

coming up on course 327 mark 68.

We got company.

They're opening a hailing frequency.

Don't make me blow you outta the sky.

Stop the ship and give yourselves up.

Why, what seems to be the trouble, officer?

You're the trouble, Richards.

But this time, you won't get away.

Could you repeat that?

Your signal's breaking up.

Dammit, Richards!

You can't get away from that antique.

On my mark, full reverse power

and bring us around hard and tight.

You got it, Captain.

You'll never take me alive, Falco.

Gimme full speed the fuck out of here.

Some type of geomagnetic electrical storm.

I'm picking up the beacon signal from Miranda.

Shit, looks like our friends are back.

Evasive action.

It's no use, Captain.

Maybe we should install a faster ship.

- Dammit. - What?

Our photon energizer has been fried and trapped in.

Well then switch it to auxiliary power.

Take us into the storm.

I'm not sure how much longer

I can keep this piece of junk in the air.

God!

He's still breathing

but his positronic cortex needs to be rebooted.

Shut up and go get the Doc.

No, wait. I'll get the Doc.

You and the clone check the ship.

I want a full damage report.

And you, start tryin' to get Miranda on the radio.

Miranda.

Come in, Miranda.

Miranda.

Can you hear me?

Okay.

Pepper?

What the hell? Where's the captain?

Maybe she wasn't all the way dead.

She looked all the way dead to me.

This one's still a little bit alive.

All right, let's get her to the infirmary

and then we're gonna find the captain.

Fang marks.

What the hell are we dealing with here?

Damn.

This is gonna require a slightly higher dosage.

The trail of blood seems to lead that way.

Jonesy, I can see as good

as your bionic eye with these things.

Somebody's just used the airlock.

I think I can make out some footprints

leading away from the ship and some kind of alien movements.

Dammit.

Captain is out there somewhere.

I think I can fix the argon pump,

but it's gonna take some time.

And then we can get out of here?

Don't sit in the captain's chair.

You're not the captain.

Well you're not the captain either.

Did I miss something?

I'll be leaving the search party to find the captain.

You and the clone are going with me.

Listen, I told you before.

Just because we engage in piracy

and prey on the establishment

doesn't necessarily mean we're revolutionaries.

Yeah, but the bourgeoisie class is tiring.

I mean we must deal the deathblow at any cost.

To delay action now would be the same as death.

Wow.

Look at all these guns.

The energy weapons are over here.

These are so cute.

You think they'd have a damn mirror.

How does this look?

Seriously, how does this belt look?

I'm picking up massive electromagnetic spikes

in my bio geoscanner.

Could be another storm coming our way.

Yeah, my bullshit scanner's picking up huge readings

of I don't give a fuck.

Let's go.

You're on point.

Looks like some kinda ancient city.

Wonder what happened to all the people.

Wiped out 40,000 years ago.

Some say it was a plague.

Some say it was a dramatic climate change

brought on by a huge meteor impact.

How about a little less history

and a little more looking for the captain?

Captain?

No sign of the captain?

Move out.

Fuckin' space bugs, I'll blast your guts out!

No use, comrades.

Energy weapons are having no effect.

I'll be damned.

Gross.

Covered in bug guts.

Quit standing around.

Let's fucking go!

Wow, I never noticed it before.

But this alien architecture shows a lotta similarities

with the lost civilization of Ovamis.

You know, on Mars.

Look at this hieroglyph.

The figures are reptilian with six eyes.

The ones with the tusks, those are the males.

You sure know a lot about alien archeology

for a pleasure clone.

There's a lotta downtime between the fucking and sucking.

I read a lot.

So cool.

Looks like the storm's headed this way.

Looks like it's time to go back.

I'm not going back without the captain.

Drop your weapons or I'll vaporize your faces.

Move out.

I said move out.

You're gonna lead me back to that stolen ship.

Do you understand?

Maybe we should let the storm pass.

You know, stop for awhile?

Hey, I'm not gonna stop until I've apprehended

every last one of you damn dirty space pirates.

Now move out, scum.

Get your filthy cop hands off me.

I'll get it.

I got it.

Where's Vette?

Captain?

Ginger.

I feel bad.

Take it easy, kid.

It hurts when I laugh.

The captain.

What about the captain?

Promise me something.

Sure, kid. Anything.

You keep fighting for the revolution.

Sure. No problem.

Now what about the captain?

Captain Richards

ate.

The fuck are you looking at?

Let's move out. It's not safe here.

You heard what she said.

Scoot.

Mmm.

What the hell is that thing?

Looks like the things on the carvings but-

- Obviously a product of de-evolution.

De-evo what?

De-evolution.

That is clearly one of the last mutant spawns

of a lost civilization.

Really?

So that's when you saw the captain?

We didn't see no fuckin' Captain Richards.

- All we saw was- - Shut your cop face.

Vette saw her.

Her exact dying words to me, "Captain Richards.

It was Captain Richards

who ripped out my fucking throat with her fucking fangs."

With fucking blood everywhere.

We need to figure out what we're up against.

Look, I thought I told you

to keep your fucking cop mouth shut.

Look, I've been thinking

we're gonna need all the help we can get

to get off of this rock.

Maybe we call it a truce.

I don't make deals with criminals.

Oh yeah? Well I don't make deals with cops.

I'm not talking about a deal.

I'm talking about a limited one-time-only truce.

We go right back to playing cops and robbers

as soon as we get out of here.

Wait a damn minute.

Did you say her throat was ripped open?

That's right, Doc, by fangs.

Well I didn't wanna say anything,

but I think you need to look at this, Astrid.

Fang marks.

Look, I hope you're not about to tell me

some drug-fueled fairytale about space vampires, okay?

'Cause you can just save your breath.

'Cause I don't have time for drug-fueled fairytales

about space vampires.

Now look, the sooner we get off this moon,

the sooner I get back to arrestin' you dirty criminals

and I can bring you to justice.

Really.

Projectile firing, breach loading.

Man, I can't believe people actually killed people

with this caveman shit.

Might be better off with one of those antiques.

The local wildlife seems to be resistant

to conventional energy weapons.

Thanks for the advice, but I don't remember asking you.

I think I'll stick with my Volt Magnum.

Hey Ginger,

do you really think they're gonna find Miranda out there?

Shut up and fix the motor.

It's not the software.

Hey Ginger?

Do you think of me as a

robot?

I don't know, Jonesy.

You ain't no robot.

I mean sure you got a bionic arm,

a bionic hip and a mostly bionic brain,

but we both know you're a man.

Hey, I bet the fender got bent over

the Darma turbine exhaust manifold.

You know, I'm not like those other criminals.

Is that right?

Damn right.

And I was thinking if we get outta this haunted place alive,

let's you and I make a deal.

What exactly did you have in mind?

Well what about something like this?

Mm-mmm.

No?

Or this.

Hmm, it's close.

No?

I got it.

Yeah, I can do it.

Something's wrong.

They should've been back by now.

Vette?

Hold it right there.

This energy weapon seems to only be making her stronger.

We need to get back to the ship.

Where's Astrid?

Richards.

I'll get him to the Doc.

You get your bionic ass up to the bridge

and start warming up the engine.

And don't forget to get the argon pump back online.

You need a little somethin' to calm your nerves?

I don't need any damn drugs.

No look, I'm not saying that what we saw were vampires.

Of course not.

All I'm sayin' is

there were some kind of undead creatures

that were suckin' the blood outta the living

and they shot lightning outta their eyes.

- This wont hurt. - 'Kay.

I think you guys should get up here.

- Come on. - Yeah.

Hold on. I'll get it again.

Hello.

This is Miranda. Is anyone there?

Miranda, we read you.

Are you there, Miranda?

This electric storm is really with fuckin' my radio,

but I think I can get the electromagnetic pack reactor

back together and I should...

Hell yeah.

What's your 20?

I'm back on the move.

Repeat. Miranda, where are you?

I'm kinda not exactly sure.

Send me a beacon signal and I'll find my way back.

Repeat. Lost transmission.

That was garbled as fuck.

Some kinda fucking space bugs.

Centuries.

They've been waiting

in the storm.

Doomed race.

Dead,

but they will survive.

Waiting.

Doomed.

Dead,

but we will survive.

Hey, get that signal back.

You understand?

Knock it off!

She's dead.

Well what if she ain't, Jonesy?

What if she ain't?

Ain't that precious?

Honor among thieves.

You know, I'm gettin' awfully sick

of your rent-a-cop shit.

Easy now.

You got a real bad temper for a robot.

I'm not

a robot!

Sure about that?

Huh, Jones?

Why don't we find out?

If I cut you open, are you gonna bleed some real blood

or some kinda hydraulic battery acid, huh?

Mayday.

Mayday.

This is Miranda.

Shit, Miranda.

We thought you were a goner.

I was attacked by these things like flying switchblades.

I had to set the rocket down.

I'm in some kinda alien ruins

and there's a cop ship.

Sit tight, Miranda. We'll get you outta there.

Life.

Life

is a cruel shallow ditch.

Scoundrels and madmen roam free

and good men die like dogs for no reason.

Oh sweet, sweet Rumia.

Goddamn electrical hurricanes.

You can't trust 'em.

Doc, we're going outside to get Miranda.

Keep an eye on-

- Some kind of parasitic lifeform?

Don't reproduce, Ginger.

They transform

and infect

other beings.

Temples of their species.

No sign of Miranda, but there's her rocket scooter.

C'mon, let's go.

Shit.

There's 1,000 monsters out there.

I don't think we have enough ammo.

Run!

Quick.

Through here.

Whoa.

You cool?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Hey, what's with the cop?

Oh total asshole, but we kinda got a truce with him

'til we get off this deathtrap planet.

Listen.

Did Doc give you anything for me?

Startin' to get a little jittery.

Doc's dead.

A ship.

Maybe we can use it to get outta here

if we can't get The Belle to fly.

I can't make any sense of this alien technology.

Jonesy?

Too much

alien data.

Every day it's.

Sweet atomic Jesus.

This thing is in the ship.

This unit is a megaton ordinance

of substantial destructive power.

We serve to destroy.

We destroy to serve.

A bomb.

Monster bomb like that's only got one purpose.

We are designed to annihilate this world.

We will execute our prime function in exactly 15 minutes.

Wait.

Why were you programmed to destroy the moon?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't blow up the moon.

We're on it.

40,000 years ago, this moon was home

to a thriving civilization at the pinnacle of progress.

Then they came, a conquering plague of parasitic nomads.

Our once noble and peaceful creators

were preyed upon like cattle.

Now all that remain are brutish degenerate mutants.

However, before the fall of civilization,

we were created and programmed with our prime function:

to destroy this moon

rather than let the parasites spread to other worlds.

Sure, makes sense.

But look, about this 15 minutes thing,

you gotta give us time to blast outta here.

We are sorry for any inconvenience,

but we cannot allow you to leave.

One or more of you may be infected.

You're the one that's about to be sorry.

You cannot stop us.

We will complete our function.

What now?

Well unless I'm mistaken,

that's the bomb burrowing toward the loose port

getting in position for detonation.

C'mon, my ship is this way.

Fuckin' space bugs.

Jonesy.

You all right?

Let's fuckin' go.

Captain Richards?

No!

C'mon, let's fucking go.

Those goddamn undead criminals are stealing my ship.

How long 'til the blamo, Jonesy?

We got just over 10 minutes left.

I don't think we're gonna make it.

Ginger.

Ginger.

We can if we fly.

We're gonna make it.

I wouldn't plan a party just yet.

You're goin' straight to a jail cell

when we get back, robot.

Check the argon pressure?

It's a little low, but I think we can make it.

Full power in the thrusters?

95%.

All right, let's hit it.

Where are we?

Whoa.

Can we get the engines back online?

I think so.

I'm getting a strange reading

on the long-range frequency scanner.

What the hell?

It's comin' from the casino.

It sounds like someone's playing the jazz theremin.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Good-lookin' crowd.

Very good-lookin' crowd, all right.

You guys ready for another one?

Okay.

This song is off our upcomin' album Electronic Philharmomic.

This tune's called "Old Man Moon".

Two.

A-one, two, three, four.

You have reached the Intergalactic-

- This is Sergeant Val Falco.

Patch me straight through to the dock officer on duty.

Sure thing, sugar.

Go ahead.

I need you to listen to me

'cause this is gonna sound crazy.

This is grand opening week.

Trust me, I can handle crazy.

Trust me, you ain't seen this kinda crazy.

This shit is crazy with fangs.

Now listen, there's a band of criminals

headed your way, okay?

And they are armed and dangerous.

Did you say criminals?

Yes. Now they are in a stolen cop ship.

They just docked in birth 12.

They're comin' up the turbolift right now.

Look, you can't let them board.

Well I'm not saying they're vampires,

but they're some sort of undead creatures

that feed on the blood of the living

and they shoot lightning from their eyes.

What's happening?

Are they shooting lightning outta their eyes?

No, but it looks like some other cop beat you to the bust.

What other cop?

No, stay back!

Just stay back!

Stop!

Shit, now what?

Nice.

Don't come any closer.

I'll tase you, bitch.

Bring it.

Sounds like a fuckin' bloodbath.

Keep those engines goin'.

I need to stop those criminals before it's too late.

Sounds like it already is too late.

The engines are coming back online.

Hold on.

Three-megaton grenades.

I got a feelin' we might need to blow some shit up

before this is over.

We just blew up a whole fucking planet.

I mean besides that.

Listen, whatever happens,

we can't let those things get away again.

He's right.

The mechanical chick from the alien bomb

was willing to blow up a whole planet

to keep those things from spreading.

Whoa.

I hope you're not talkin' about

intentionally causing the destruction

of a $35 billion casino and luxury hotel.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

We go in there,

we hook in a few of these three-megaton babies

and we get the fuck outta here.

What about the survivors?

Too bad, so sad.

Seriously, sometimes a few innocent people gotta die

to keep the galaxy safe from bloodsucking alien creatures.

Right?

No.

He's right.

All right, how 'bout this?

We evacuate any survivors.

That don't have fang marks in their necks.

Yeah.

And then we turn this whole place

into a big fat slice of radioactive tofu.

How 'bout that?

Sounds good.

We shoulda brought more guns.

Captain Richards?

No, not Richards.

Just her body.

We inhabit the corpses of your fallen comerades.

After you killed them.

You would've done the same thing in our position.

We are the last of our kind

and we will survive.

Oh, like hell you will.

Oh, you're wrong.

Dead wrong.

No!

We will survive.

We will not be defeated by mankind.

But I am not a man.

I am a machine.

Ginger?

Attention all units, attention all units.

This is Sergeant Val Falco.

I just saved the galaxy

from well I'm not gonna say vampires.

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