All language subtitles for Episodes505

Okay, so what's the show? Let's just
toss things out. What if I'm the

president? Of what planet? We'll take it
low.

I will take it any way you want to give
it to me.

You and Merc? In fact... What's this?

I don't know what I'm going to tell her.
You're going to tell her nothing. That's

what you're going to tell her.

There's a reason hug the messenger is
not an expression.

Are you okay?

Uh-huh.

Oh, this is so nice.

I can't remember the last time we were
here or the last time I saw you in big

girl shoes. Oh, no. My feet were like,
are we getting laid tonight or what?

By the way, this is on me. Oh, no, no,
no. Yes, yes. I want to do this.

It's my thank you lunch.

For? For being an amazing friend.

Ah, I don't know how amazing. Bullshit.

I could not have gotten through this
without you.

And Prozac.

And Prozac. And weed. Well, sure, but I
can't take weed to lunch. I'm sure if we

went to your purse, we'd find that's not
true.

I also have a little bit of... Hi, I'm
AJ. I'll be your waiter today. Yeah, hi,

AJ. Can you just give us a sec?

Absolutely. Whenever you're ready. Thank
you.

I also have a little bit of news. You
broke up with Merck. What? No.

All right, you go. Actually, that part
is going great. Great.

I might be pregnant.

God,

it feels so weird to hear it out loud.

I haven't told Mark yet.

You're the first.

Not even my shrink.

He should probably be looped in.

The thing is, I think... Okay, do not
freak.

I think I want to keep it. Definitely
talk to your shrink. I know, I know. I

always said I never wanted one. But now
I'm thinking, why not?

You know?

I mean, I'm almost 37.

I'm 39.

And Mark and I are in such a good place.

Okay. It's like this was kind of meant
to be.

May I just...

Play devil's advocate here.

Murky screwing morning Randolph.

What? I'm engaged.

I'm sorry.

That's not possible.

Not yet, AJ.

I spoke with her.

I saw the ring.

There's a ring?

I'm sorry.

Is it big?

Does it matter?

How big? Don't do this to yourself. How
big? I like... That's like Mariah Carey

big. All right, not that big, but
it's... Jesus, it's... But still big.

I don't know. It looked big to me and it
sparkled a lot.

I'm so sorry.

How long?

Have they been engaged? How long have
you known?

How long? A week.

A week?

You've known for a week? I wanted to
tell you. I felt so awful.

Seriously, AJ. Come on, AJ.

Look, I get it.

It's Merc who's the villain here.

Don't be mad at me. Be mad at him. I
think...

there's enough mad for both of you.
Well, be mad at him.

Oh, we... Oh, don't. You know, if you're
ever just sitting around thinking,

what are the cruelest things I never got
to do?

Off your bucket list.

Jesus, AJ.

Right.

Is there anything we've talked about so
far that we actually like? Anything

worth pursuing?

I still like whores.

So Netflix is doing it. So was.

There were two Capotes, two Steve Jobs.

Are you really comparing Truman Capote
and Steve Jobs to whores? No, you're

right. I'd watch whores. They're already
doing it.

Fucking Netflix.

It's just crazy to invest all our time
in a show that's already being done.

Yeah, yeah.

I just like whores so much.

My father's girlfriend.

Let's ignore it.

Okay, so... Maybe it's important.

Pain in my ass.

Yo. So I'm sitting in the kitchen with
your father, and I say to him, do you

want lunch? I've got egg salad, I've got
tuna salad, and he says, I don't like

your tuna salad.

So I go... Since when? You love my tuna
salad.

And he says, not since you started using
that shitty light mayonnaise.

Linda. Let me finish. So he says, I'm
not eating it with that crap in it. So

we get in the car. We schlep over to
Target.

Linda. What? Is there a point to this?

He's dead.

What? He's dead.

Dear Lord. Oh, my God.

Wait, my father is dead?

Dead. So he's picking up a jar of
mayonnaise, one of those stupid big

ones. Even if he lived, he'd be dead by
the time we finished that thing. And all

of a sudden he goes, the jar drops,
there's mayonnaise everywhere, he just

falls over. And I'm thinking, now we're
going to have to pay for that.

Dead? Yes, dead. Why is this so
difficult?

So where is he now?

I don't know. The ambulance people came
and took him away.

Where? How do I know? They just... Took
him.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, and the best part is, I'm stuck here
now.

What? Yeah, the car keys were in his
pocket.

So now he's dead, and I'm standing here
at Target like a schmuck.

So did they say what we do now?

What we do now is you come and pick me
up. I'm not coming to pick you up. I've

got to find his body. Call a cab.

I can't call a cab.

He had the money. I have no money.

Who are you? The queen? How do you leave
the house without money?

Next time, I'll remember to bring my
wallet in case my husband drops dead and

leaves me stranded at Target.

He's not your husband.

Oh, go fuck yourself, okay? Just go fuck
yourself.

This is the worst day of my life.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll try to track him down. Hang on.
Call her an Uber. I gotta do this. Of

course.

Hello, Mrs. LeBlanc? He's not Mrs.
LeBlanc. Tell him to go fuck himself.

As often as I can. Who is this?

Actually, we've met. This is Beverly
Lincoln.

The one with the hair?

That could certainly be me.

What do you want?

Matt has asked us to help you get home.
Where are you?

In condiments.

No, I mean, where is the store situated?
We need to give them the coordinates.

Oh, I remember you now.

I'm at Target.

OK, which target?

La Cienega.

The target on La Cienega.

I heard her.

OK, go wait in front of the store. We're
going to get you an Uber.

A what?

An Uber.

An Uber?

An Uber.

An Uber?

Say it without the accent.

Uber. Oh, Jesus.

I'm going to turn you over to Sean. He
can give you the detail.

Hello, Mrs LeBlanc. She's not Mrs
LeBlanc. Fuck you.

Your driver's name is... Armjod. What?

Armjod. Armjod?

Armjod. That's a person?

He'll be there in six minutes. How do
you know?

It's on my phone. I'm on your phone.

I have another phone.

Who has two phones?

No, I... The point is, your Uber driver
Armjod... Uber Armjod? Just put Matt

on. Just put him back on.

Hang on.

Okay, thank you. Bye.

All right, I found the body. Now I got
to get a funeral home to go pick it up.

She's insisting on speaking to you. She
doesn't seem to understand Uber, and she

has issues with her driver, aren't her?

She is clearly distraught. Let me handle
it.

Linda, take the fucking Uber.

Done.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, she's a pain in the ass.

No, about your father.

Oh, that.

Well, what are you going to do?

So, uh, we'll get out of your hair and
let you deal with this. No, no, no,

stay. I just need, like, a second. Then
we can get back to work.

Matt LeBlanc on one.

Hey, bud, what's up?

Hey, uh, my father just died.

Oh, no.

Dropped dead at Target.

Oh, Jesus, that is sad on so many
levels.

So, I need a funeral home to go and pick
up the body. Can you... I'm on it. Text

me the info, and if there's anything
else I can... Yeah, get me a Marvel

franchise.

One thing at a time.

Okay, where were we?

Are you sure you're up for this?

Sure, yeah, why not?

Well, I'm sorry, but you just lost your
father.

You must be feeling something.

I feel stuff.

I feel annoyed that I have to handle
this shit.

I feel relieved that stupid Linda's off
the phone.

I feel angry at Netflix.

And I'm also a little hungry.

Probably all that mayonnaise talk.
Anyone want a sandwich?

You're not really eating mayonnaise now.

Yep.

I'm going to look deaf in the face, and
then I'm going to spread it on whole

wheat with some turkey and Swiss.

I've got to say, so far today, this is
the best idea you've had.

It's the mayonnaise.

Let's say you could turn on your TV
right now and watch anything you wanted.

What would it be? And it can't be
whores. Oh.

Anything at all.

Hmm.

What? I should probably call my mother.

Really, now?

And we're on a roll?

Yeah, well, I should let her know.

Technically, they're still married.

You're joking.

No, 40 years she wouldn't give him a
divorce.

She was all about till death do us part.

So today's quite the payoff.

Just two seconds. Keep going.

Ma. Hello?

Ma. Hello? Put your hearing aids in.

Put your hearing aids in. Hold on. I'm
putting my hearing aids in.

Hello? Ma, feedback.

Hold on. I can't hear.

Feedback. Ma. I hate these damn things.

Ma?

Hello? Can you hear me now?

Hello? Ma? I took it out.

Put it back.

Hold on.

Jesus Christ. Adjust it. Adjust it.

Better? Yeah, yeah, better.

Oh. So, that's new.

Dad's dead.

What?

He's so shut down.

You're assuming there's something there
to shut.

You saw what they were like together.

No, I know, but it's his father.

Linda, I can't do it. I can't, I can't.

Fine,

fine, fine, fine.

Hello. What's his name? Still not here
yet.

Hang on. That's Sean's department.

Hello, Linda.

He's... Still not here.

Hang on, let me check. I'm starting to
melt.

It says he should be there.

Well, tell it he's not.

He's in a Kia.

Ikea? I told you, Target.

Target! He's in a Kia.

A what?

A Kia.

A Kia?

A Kia.

A Kia? Hang on, let me call him. Here's
Beverly.

Hello again.

Hello,

I'm Judd.

What type of Kia is it?

It's a white Kia Rio.

It's a white Kia Rio.

A Kia Rio?

No. The model of the Kia is a Rio.

And the color is white. Do you see a
white car?

Yeah. I'm standing right next to one.

Wave to her.

That's a Kia Rio?

Yes, that's a Kia Rio. And the
gentleman... Oh, Jesus. I have no key.

He had the keys in his pocket. I can't
get into the house.

I'm not sure what to tell you. God damn
it. Tell Matt I'm locked out. I need his

tea. I'm afraid he's on with his mother.

Is she locked out?

I don't think so. Then fuck her. Just
put him on.

Hang on.

I'm so sorry. It's Linda.

She says she's locked out and she needs
your key.

I don't have a key.

How do you not have a key? How do you
not have a key? You live there.

Would you like the phone? No. Call her a
fucking locksmith.

Absolutely.

It only gets better.

Get who a locksmith?

Linda. Who?

Linda. I don't believe I know anyone by
that name. All right, Ma.

Oh, that whore.

Anyway, that's the news.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. How's he getting
back here?

Who? Your father who?

For what?

His funeral.

What funeral?

What funeral?

After everything that asshole did?

He's still my husband. I get to put him
in the ground.

Fine. I'll figure out a way to ship them
back.

Good. Now, I got to go to Costco.

What should I get you?

For what?

Well, you're coming in for this.

No, I'm not.

He's your father. How's it going to
look?

How did it look 40 years ago when he
walked out on us?

Oh, let it go, Matthew. He's dead.

He's with God.

I doubt that.

Hello. In here.

Hey, babe.

Oh, I've got some big...

news big big pretty darn big intriguing
guess who's engaged

to mourning randolph what

obviously no one told you or you would
have said something to me but i

guess congratulations okay that is crazy
That seriously loony

tune's crazy.

Just telling you what I heard. From who?

Not important.

That I am engaged to Mourning Randolph.
This person was pretty sure she saw a

ring. A ring? Jesus, I don't even know
what to do with that.

Either someone is fucking with you or
they're just nuts.

Look, I totally get why you flip out,
but I swear it is not true. I swear on

the lives of my children.

First of all, engaged?

Me? I'm still paying off the first
three.

And if I was ever going to do it again,
you know, you know I love you.

And morning Randolph. Are you kidding
me? She's been aroused. It's like Truman

was president.

Seriously, I think they named planes
after her in World War II. I mean...

Okay.

Okay, this is not fair.

Well, clearly, I have a problem.

I'm a deeply damaged person. It's a
sickness.

There's something profoundly wrong with
me.

But, but, but, it's only because of how
much I care for you both that I haven't

been able to... By the way, the stuff
about the lives of my children, that's

just an expression.

God knows that.

And can I just say, I don't know how
much you heard about that crap about

World War II. You know me. I just blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, you know how much I care for
you.

Which is, you know, not to take anything
away from...

All right, I'm a racing whore.

Ooh.

What about racing whores? What?

Whores in cars competing.

No. Why not?

Because it's not a show.

Yet.

Come on. Seriously?

Roger. Linda. I got to do this one.

Come on.

You think I'm having fun?

Can you imagine what it's like for us?

Yo, we got to ship the body to Boston.

Your turn.

Oh, yeah.

Hello, Linda.

There is still no locksmith. Hang on.
Beverly made those arrangements.

Hello again.

Locksmith is on his way. He should be
there any minute.

He's from All A Locksmith.

And his name is... God help me.

Yarl. Yarl?

Yarl. No, no, no, no. Put Matt on. I
want to talk to Matt.

I'm afraid right now he's making
arrangements to ship the body to Boston.

What? Stop him. Just put him on. God
damn it, put him on!

Great.

God damn it, she wants you.

I'll call you back.

What? You cannot bury him.

What are you talking about?

He's got to be cremated. Who says?

He says.

He wants to be cremated, and he wants
his ashes scattered at sea.

At sea?

The only thing he ever did in the sea
was piss in it. It's in his will.

Fuck me.

Fine.

Call Roger back. Tell him the body needs
to be cremated. Pain in my ass.

Hello?

I just... What?

Adjust. Better?

Better. So, you changed your mind? You
coming in?

No, I'm not coming. And there's not
going to be a funeral.

What does that mean?

Apparently, he wants to be cremated.

He wants?

Who cares what he wants? For once, let
him do what I want.

It's in his will.

Oh, Jesus.

So, what am I supposed to do with the
casket? What casket? I just bought a

casket at Costco.

They sell caskets at Costco?

Next to the tires.

So just return it. What if they won't
take it back? What am I supposed to do

with it?

I don't know.

Stick it in the garage. You're going to
need it eventually.

Hello? Give me Matt. Tell him it's about
the ashes.

Who?

She wants to talk about the ashes.

What? When am I getting them?

That horse not getting the ashes. Those
are my ashes.

Why do you get them? I thought they were
supposed to be scattered at sea.

At sea?

What is he, a Kennedy?

I'm supposed to be the scatterer.

Bullshit. He's my husband. You keep your
hands off him. We got water here.

I'm scattering.

I'm scattering.

Bullshit. It's Roger. There's a problem.

Hold on.

Fuck you. You whore.

What? I just got off with a mortuary.
They can't cremate him for at least a

couple of weeks.

Apparently there's some big backlog.

Did you play the friend's card?

Of course I played the friend's card. I
offered him tickets to the box. I said

you would take a picture with him. Well,
let's not go crazy.

They did tell me, and this is totally
off the record, there might be a little

bit of wiggle room if the ashes don't
have to be his.

Well, shit.

If they don't have to be his.

Doorbell? Can you let him in? It's the
guy from the prop house.

Hey, thanks so much for doing this. Hey,
for you? Wow, these look great.

They should. This one was used in Harold
and Maude.

It was also in The First Godfather,
Terms of Endearment. Wow.

Got better credits than you.

The other one's mostly done TV.

Started off in Quincy. You remember...
Jack Klugman, sure.

Wow, they look great.

And they're for what again?

I'm helping my nephew out with a student
film thing.

You're a good uncle.

I need him back in like two weeks. Yeah,
absolutely. No problem. Thanks again.

You're never going to return that. What,
are they going to arrest me? Come on,

the steaks are getting cold.

It's weird.

Every time I make a steak, I think about
my father. Like a big, thick, juicy...

You know, the kind of steak even a cow
would go, nope, that's fair, I totally

get it.

Why your father?

He made me my first great steak.

I was like five when he came home with
this big box of these unbelievable

ribeyes. He got them from my Uncle Lou.

Apparently the box had fallen off the
truck.

These steaks were so fucking amazing.

Well, there you go. Your father did do
something positive.

Yeah? Wait.

After dinner, I go to give our dog Tippy
one of the bones.

Do not tell me you were eating Tippy.
What? No.

Jesus.

Sorry. Yeah, I went there too.

No. My father traded Tippy for the box
of steaks.

But he was alive.

He gave away my dog.

Yeah, no, obviously, it's terrible.

Who does that?

Stop being relieved.

No, I get it. Yeah.

There's no one else troubled by this at
all.

What? You're making two ladies very
happy, and hopefully they stop fucking

calling. And you don't worry, they'll
notice the vague sirloiny aroma.

Hey, if they're sniffing a dead guy's
asses, they got bigger problems.

So did your father really do nothing
good at all?

Not one nice memory?

He once took us to Disney World.

Well, is that something?

Except he didn't want to wait in any of
the lines, so he gets this used child's

wheelchair. Oh, come on. He did not.
Then he shaved my head. Oh, stop it.

Swear to God, I got pictures with
Mickey.

You realize that's your show?

What's my show?

The father is a con man.

Shifty, conniving, but still charming.

You thought my father was charming?

In his way, twinkle in his eye, but
still a bastard.

The son is very different. Let's say
he's a cop.

Maybe a detective who goes after people
like his father.

Right. And it's all about their
incredibly complicated love-hate-hate

-hate relationship.

I kind of like that.

I could see me playing a cop.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You're the father.

What? No fucking way. I'm not playing
that asshole.

It's the better part.

Yeah, I'm the father.

Hey.

So the guy from the mortuary called
back.

Turns out his wife's a big fan of your
show.

Yeah. Promised him a ton of tickets, VIP
tour, the whole deal. You will have to

take a picture.

Fine. But it got your dad bumped to the
front of the line.

They did him this afternoon.

This is him?

This is him.

Jesus. Yeah.

It's heavy.

Yeah.

You want a drink or something?

I'm late for dinner.

With who?

Just a client.

Who? The client. Bradley Cooper.

Why do you do this?

I love you, bud.

Fucker!

There's really nothing in the television
landscape. Hey, my best are here.

Parakeets have a longer attention span.

Thank you very much. I say we move
forward with this.

You don't want to have a baby in a gray
area.

You also don't want to have a baby when
you're stressed. Matt wants a shirt

created by a credit.

You're being assholes, and I'm going to
tell him. I always said he was a

monster.