Original subtitles

I have been hearing such great things about your new show.

Happy. Word around town, amazing.

Lunch is on me. Lunch is always on you.

But help is a job.

You got one of those?

I'm not a magician.

Yeah? Well, you better pull something out of your ass.

What magic shows did you go to? I need a pet name for Helen.

Really? Pet names already?

I know.

It's like we're on some kind of accelerated lesbian calendar.

Like... Three days is a week.

If I were a dog, I'd be dead by now.

Hey, look at this. It's the set model for our new show.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

They're actually building the entire house on the stage, three stories, and

all these walls come out so they can shoot from one floor to another.

Huh.

Anyway, you've got to see this.

Well, that's the vagina.

Yeah. My kid did it. Oh, even more disturbing.

Not the six-year-old. The eight-year-old.

How are you not in prison? Come on, it's art.

Or evidence.

All right, got to go be somewhat amusing.

Can I leave this here? No.

Please take your trash and go.

Hey,

check it out. My kid did this.

You know what really bothers me?

Besides the eight-year-old drawing beaver shots.

You notice he wasn't the least bit intrepid in our thing.

I've got to say, a set model versus kiddie porn. No, that's not the point.

If it's not about him, he couldn't care less. Right, he's self-involved. He's

narcissistic. He's an actor.

It's hard to remember, though, given his work on this show.

Just so bloody one-sided.

You realise he's never even asked to read our scripts.

Everyone in town has read it. Wouldn't you think he'd be slightly curious?

Maybe he read it and didn't like it. Maybe he's just trying to spare our

feelings. Does that sound like him?

Well, then, if he doesn't want to read it, who cares? You need his informed

literary opinion.

No, it's just... Who he is.

Please let it go.

Just compliment his son's vagina and leave it at that.

We, um... We have our first notes on the script for the new show.

It's amazing.

Virtually nothing.

Wow.

It's a little disconcerting, all this unbridled praise.

Everyone just seems to love it.

It's great.

I'm thinking of getting a drone. A drone? Yeah, anyone can buy them now.

What would you do with a drone?

I don't know.

Drone stuff.

Look at the tops of birds.

See my roof.

Drop shit on Burt Bacharach's house.

Why Burt Bacharach? It's a whole thing.

He'll know.

So you haven't by any chance read it, have you?

What? Our script.

No. Oh, good.

For a second I was afraid you might be the one person who'd read it and didn't

love it.

Oh, not to worry.

I could take pictures of Suzanne Somers. What? With my drone.

She lives next to me. Her gardener told my gardener that she lied out naked.

I've drawn that.

Right.

Quick question. What is wrong with you?

Why don't you want to read it? What?

Our script.

Why don't you want to read it?

Oh, okay, fine. I'll read it. Oh, no, don't do me any favors. I don't need a

mercy read.

All right.

Seriously? You're not going to read it? Okay, I don't know what you want here. I

would like, just for once, for you to be interested in something that's important

to me.

Shouldn't we be sleeping together to be having this conversation?

Fine.

Please, can I read your script? No.

You're right. I'm sorry. I'm a selfish asshole.

Agreed. I really want to read it.

Really? Yes.

All right.

As long as you're not doing it just because I pressured you into it. Oh,

well. What? I'm kidding.

Jesus.

And by the way, I know I don't say it enough, but you're the prettiest girl in

the room.

That's going to be on TMZ.

Where are we on the angry men rewrite?

I think some of them are still too angry.

Is he ever going to get there? Should we just pull the plug on this thing?

Probably. I don't think he's capable.

Are you okay?

Sorry.

I just don't think...

Do you need to... Wow.

Do you think she's ever going to tell us?

Are we absolutely sure?

Please. What month do you think she's in?

11th? 12th? And there's definitely no boyfriend.

Not that I know of. She lives alone.

She just has those two cats.

Maybe she's having a cliche.

Morning. Hey.

How was your weekend?

Quiet.

What did you do?

Nothing, really.

Hung out, watched TV.

Read anything?

Actually, I'm reading this book on tape.

It's really cool. It's about how if Hitler had won the war... I'll tell you,

we sure dodged a bullet there.

What?

Oh, oh.

Oh, right.

Right. I'm going to get to it as soon as I get a free minute. You have the whole

bloody weekend. I said I'll read it. It's 28 pages.

It's not the fucking goldfinch.

It's a thick book.

Gotcha. Unbelievable.

Knock, knock.

What's up? I believe there is something for you on my desk.

What is this?

What did you do?

Open it.

You should not have done this.

Oh, my God.

This is... No one has ever...

I can't even... I can't... I can't...

I can't breathe.

Calm down.

You're breathing.

A key?

After two weeks?

It's just... It's too much. Too fast.

Oh, did I tell you?

She already invited me to Stanford for her daughter's graduation.

In June.

Well, that's not so... No, not this June.

Next June.

Oh, God.

What is wrong with me?

I should be happy.

It's like a dream come true, and I'm getting time.

Oh, that is definitely Harvey.

All right, stop looking.

Okay, listen.

You have to tell her how you feel.

an entire relationship on antihistamines. What am I supposed to

say? Less love, please. I don't want to hurt her.

You're just asking her to slow down a bit.

If this relationship has any hope of sustaining, you've got to be honest.

Okay, fine.

You're right. I hear you.

Hi,

sweetie.

No, I'm at the dentist. I lost a crown.

It's all good.

Be back soon.

I gotta go.

You know I'm a writer, too.

Oh, no. No, I did not.

I'm working on the screenplay.

Ah.

Oh, good for you.

It's about this girl. Oh, okay.

Nobody ever notices her. No one ever asks about her life or how she's doing.

It's like she's not a person, too.

No one cares.

So, she decides to kill her co-workers.

Ah.

Did not see that coming. There's your twist.

She just feels like, you don't notice me?

You'll notice me.

And there's your motivation.

Good. You'll need that.

So, she kills them... By poisoning them.

I see.

She does it slowly.

Little by little. And no one suspects because she's just this girl. Who is

she? She's nobody.

No one would think.

Of course not. Perfect crime.

Can I show it to you when I'm done? Absolutely. Yes, I'm very interested.

Where did you get that? Over there.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Fucking brilliant.

You read it.

Like I had a choice.

Interesting. Oh, well, I might have mentioned once or... Stop looking at me.

Is so good. Really? Oh, my God, I laughed my ass off. Now I see why

everybody's flipping out. Thank you. My goodness. So, have you started casting?

Can I put in a good word for someone? Absolutely. Who?

Me.

Say what?

I would love to do this.

Right.

Yes, great.

What, um... What...

In part, were you thinking... It's got to be Anderson.

It's like you wrote it for me.

Oh, really?

You should know that the actor playing Anderson also has to play Riggs, so

that may be more than... Oh, shit, I love Riggs. Oh.

It's my second favorite.

So, I'm Anderson and Riggs?

Apparently so.

Wow.

I've got to tell you.

I was so scared I'd get stuck taking some shit show for the check. But this?

And with you guys?

I... I don't know what to say. I think we're all at a loss.

All right.

I've got to call my agent. Let's get this thing going. Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Why did you say great? Well, you said great.

Well, because you said it.

I don't say great after you say great. Suddenly I'm the bad guy. And may I just

point out, not in a judgmental way, none of this would have happened if you

hadn't forced him to read the bloody thing.

This is all of your making.

Oh, we don't want him in it, do we? You're really asking me that? No.

Do you? No, he's dead wrong. But he's so excited.

I know.

But we have been down the Matt LeBlanc road. It is bumpy and it ends in a

cliff. So?

I don't know. But we have to do something.

This train is moving.

Hey, what are you guys doing later? Um...

Nothing. Come to the beach. I'll throw some steaks on. We'll celebrate this

thing. Great. Cool.

Who said great that time? I know.

And you noticed we didn't stop the train. No.

We added a dining car.

Are you a dog person?

Why? What did you order?

I don't know. I was just thinking, you know, maybe we should get a dog.

Oh, not a fan?

Uh, no, I just never had one.

My mother was allergic.

We had a bird, Louise.

My sister taught her to say, we're gonna crash, we're gonna crash.

Oh my God.

Yeah, she's pretty tense at home.

I'll bet.

So, dog or no dog?

Well, how would it work?

Where would it live?

Here.

What's that?

Hello?

Out here.

So dreading this.

It's to be done. Right.

Smile. Too many teeth.

All right.

I forgot how beautiful this is.

When were you here?

Right. And then you came over and we... Welcome back.

How about some wine? Gallons. Yes, please.

All right, we got steaks. There's corn, potatoes.

My mom made her famous tiramisu.

Your mother's here?

Yeah. She came out last week when she heard my father might die. She wanted a

ringside seat.

Ma!

She hates wearing her hearing aids.

Ma!

That's okay.

She'll come out when she smells the meat cooking.

So, here's to the opposite of us.

Here's hoping it's the opposite of pucks.

Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely.

I'm going to get the steaks. I'll be right back.

His mother's here.

We can't tell him in front of her.

Can't not tell him. I know.

Great. So now his mother's on the train.

I mean, you're here all the time anyway.

You could rent your place out, make a few bucks.

It just makes sense, you know?

And I know what you're thinking.

You do?

Everything here is me, me, me, me. There's no you.

So what I was thinking was we get rid of all of my shit and redo the whole thing

together. What?

Crazy. Not if you're going to live here.

Or we buy a whole new place.

What about the beach?

Imagine the two of us coming home from work, and there's the ocean, there's the

sunset, and our puppy's waiting for us. We're going to crash.

What? I can't do this.

I can't. I'm sorry.

It's just too much.

What's too much?

You're the best, most wonderful person ever.

But don't you think it's all happening just a little too fast?

Just a... Oh.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

Don't apologize. My fault. I just assumed that you were where I was.

No. No.

I am where you are.

Just, uh, behind you.

Away.

Here I am.

Oh, I shouldn't have said anything. No, I'm glad you did. I'd be stuck out at

the fucking beach with some stupid dog.

I think it's just, this whole thing is very new for me.

I mean, every other guy I've been with, I'm not saying you're a guy.

That way? Believe me, I'm loving all that stuff.

Oh, no, wait.

Look, you know I have only gone out with assholes. You were married to one of

them.

I'm not used to nice.

I think I'm just scared by how much I care about

you.

Well, I certainly didn't mean to.

Scare you.

I know.

And I'm sorry I got a little... Come here, scrunch.

I wasn't even going to say anything.

But then Beverly said... Beverly?

Oh.

Beverly's giving you advice about us?

Maybe.

I know she's your friend, but I'm not sure she has our best interests at

heart. No?

Well, for one, she's clearly in love with you.

Beverly?

That's crazy.

She doesn't even like me most of the time. Oh, okay.

No!

She's not into... She's married.

I was married.

Even so, I don't think... Oh, please. Look at her hair.

So what do you think of this?

When I'm Riggs, I've got, like, a beard.

But when I'm Anderson, maybe, like, a weird wig or even a bald cap. Is that

too much?

I'll tell you what's too much. This steak. Oh, my God, you're like a steak

savant.

Not a lot to it. Just meat and fire.

So what do you think, bald cap or?

It's a little too soon, Ted. No, I know. It's just.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Well, believe me, neither can we.

So are you guys still thinking about Susan Sarandon? Because I've got to say,

I could totally see that now.

You know, we don't need to bore your mother with work talk.

She can't hear anything.

Ma, look out! Koreans!

Believe me, if she could hear... So, Susan Sarandon? Where?

That she heard.

Well, here's the thing.

The network is adamant about not going with

names. Oh.

Sorry, Susan.

So what, then, just me and an ensemble?

I'm afraid they are dead set against any names at all.

Wait, even me?

Across the board.

Even me?

We think it's a huge mistake, but what can you do?

Fight it.

That's what you can do.

It's your show.

You should have a say in who's in it. Don't just roll over. That's how you got

screwed the last time.

Oh, believe me, we did not just roll over. We fought very hard for you.

Very, very hard. Who's dead?

So, who's this coming from?

What's her name? The new Merk? Helen, yeah.

What if I sat down with her?

Is she cute? Maybe there's a card to play there.

Trust me, you are never going to crack that deck.

Not even to shuffle.

No? Any queen.

Not too much of the kingdom jack.

Got it.

Forget that.

Let's just call it.

Well, what?

Maybe the three of us can turn her around. Oh, I'm sure she's already left

the office. So we'll just call her home.

What?

Easy pinot noir. You can't just call her at home. Why not?

I'm sure my agent's got her number.

You know, these guys actually like it when you treat them like people.

But they're not. I agree with Sean. It would be a big mistake to bother... Hey,

it's Matt.

Do you have Helen...

Bash. Bash's home phone. I'm here with Sean and Beverly. She told them she

doesn't want me in their show.

Really?

Hang on.

He's saying he spoke to her just to see what kind of money they're thinking.

And she didn't even know you'd offered it to me.

Well, maybe he spoke to her before

she spoke with us.

You hear that?

If Annie talked to her like an hour ago, you were here an hour ago.

Well, I don't know what she could be thinking.

We can get into it with her in the morning.

I'll call you back.

Did you talk to her or not?

Huh.

This is too rare for me. It looks like it was in a car accident.

I think she's got mine.

Oh, my God.

Here, take it.

Yeah, see?

This one is cooked.

Yes, it is.

Do you want me in your show?

We know she'll never go for it.

That's not what I asked.

Do you want me in your show?

So we can read the fucking thing.

Clearly I should not have.

I'm sorry.

Gristle.

Yes, it is.

Perhaps it would be best if we left.

Where are they going?

Where are you going?

I'm afraid we have to run, Mrs LeBlanc.

What? We have to leave now. It was so lovely. Wait.

Wait.

If you could just tell your mother goodnight for her.

Tiramisu!

Oh, no, that's very kind, but I'm afraid we really have to... I made it. No, no,

I know you did, but... It looks delicious, but we really must... Enjoy.

Mmm, it's brilliant. This is such a treat.

We will remember this.

Forever.

Well, that was glorious.

More? No, no, no. No, thank you.

All right, then. So, we're off.

Again, we could not regret this more.

We'll see you tomorrow.

So sorry.

Very sorry.

So poorly handled.

Thank you for having us.

We must do this again.

They seem nice.