Original subtitles

Penzel stopped paying your taxes four years ago.

Bullshit. I signed the returns. I signed the checks.

Then he shredded the returns, cashed the checks, and took the money.

I've been on with the IRS all morning.

How much?

7.9 million.

Jesus. I thought I'd done a certain between you and Helen.

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, the...

What? Oh, well, obviously, I've never seen one that close before.

Overseen? I thought it'd be a little weird, but once you get down there, it's

like, ow, I know you.

I haven't seen you in ages. I know. It's crazy.

I haven't seen anybody.

So, this thing with Helen is... Oh, my God. We are together literally,

literally, literally... You only need one.

Literally 24-7.

I can't remember the last time I slept in my own bed.

The only reason I'm here now is she had some breakfast thing.

Oh, fluttering.

Hey, what can I say?

The woman is into me.

Oh, and yes, she's still... Well, that makes no sense. Oh, and

la-la-la.

There. Oh, pretty.

Isn't it?

She got us matching ones. Matching? After two weeks?

Actually, she gave it to me last week.

Oh, you're one link away from the chain gang.

Okay, fine. She's a little intense.

But I'd rather have that than some guy who...

He doesn't even invite me to his son's bar mitzvah, but wants me to blow him in

his wife's wedding dress.

Merc? Yeah.

And were you in the dress, or was he in the dress? I was in the dress. Oh, it

wasn't clear.

Look, as long as you're happy... Of course I'm happy!

Anyway,

I'm here with you now, yay!

So talk to me.

Well... Actually, our nightmare with Tim is... Hello?

What do you mean, she cancelled?

You tell her.

That's bullshit.

Please. She has, like, 18 nannies for that.

She said that to you? What did you say?

You did not.

Wait, shit. I think I lost you. Hello?

Hello?

Oh. Okay, I'm hanging up now. Bye.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I just couldn't get off. No, of course not. If only they'd invent a

little button that ends a call.

Just let me quickly call her back.

Seriously? Yep. So she knows I didn't fall off a cliff or something.

You'll get pushed off.

Hello?

I know.

Okay, say it again.

Exactly. Well, she's her own worst enemy.

Hey, you guys.

Hello. I have been hearing such great things about your new show.

Happy. Word around town.

Amazing.

Well, I don't know about that.

I'm just so happy for you guys.

Seriously. After going through something like this, you... So deserved, something

like that.

Thank you. I haven't read it yet, but I heard everyone gets to play two parts.

That's the concept.

Brilliant, brilliant.

And what a gift to those actors.

Just so you know, it's not that we didn't think of you, but unfortunately,

there's really nothing that you'd be right for.

We wish there were, but... Oh, my God, you guys, I so didn't even go there.

Stop! Stop it, no!

Well, we wanted you to know. Stop, please. I just came over to say

congrats. And, by the way, the last thing I need right now is another show.

I've got my sister's wedding coming up, and that's a whole other nightmare.

She's in a chair, so just figuring out the ramp.

So I've got that, and, um... Well...

Congratulations. And to your sister.

And as far as me not being right for your thing, I get it. Hello makes total

sense.

Of course, you really only know me from this, which is hardly the most.

But hey, I did my best here. I don't make up the words.

But it's fine, really.

It's your show. You know what you want. I mean, who am I to tell you? Come on,

you're the geniuses behind Pup.

Right, well... I just think it's fantastic they're even letting you do

it. I mean, after this, nobody's like, yeah, dunk up the joint, get out!

And with such a risky concept, everybody plays two parts? Yeah, that won't get

tired fast.

I'm totally kidding.

You know I only wish you good things.

We know you do.

Now go get him! Go, go, go!

Or go...

She might have gone a little further away before she said it.

Hey.

Bite me.

Yo. It's Bob.

The two words I dread the most. Just doing my job.

So, we gotta talk about this IRS thing.

Eight million isn't going away.

What happened to 7.9?

That was last week. It was called interest.

Oh, Jesus.

So what do I do?

You do what I've been saying you should do.

What, the plane?

It's time.

I know I don't need a plane.

Did he really just say that? But there's got to be some other way.

I'm telling you, there's not.

Even that's not going to cover it all.

Seriously? It's a plane.

Eight million.

We've got to look at the car collection, your father's condo, maybe the beach

house. How much would I save if I fired you?

I got another call.

Yo. He's dying.

Who's dying?

Who do you think?

Calm down.

What happened? It's his heart.

Is it bad?

No. I'm calling to say his heart is good.

All right.

Where are you?

I'm on my way.

What's wrong?

My father's had some kind of heart attack.

I gotta go.

Don't worry. I'm sorry.

I got a family emergency I'm gonna have to take off. Sure. We offered to go with

him. No.

What? Uh...

I was just saying, if you want, we're happy to go with you. That'd be great.

It's a sandwich.

For Christ's sake. They said not to eat. Then why did they give me a menu? What

do I look like, a doctor?

Get me a goddamn sandwich. What?

They said you could have ice chips. Here, suck these.

Yeah, suck them.

You said he was dying.

I will if I don't get a sandwich.

He looks okay to me.

Oh, what, so now you're a doctor?

I'm fine.

You're not fine.

I am telling you, he's going to leave here in a box.

Jesus. Maybe we should wait in the hall.

Who are they?

We've actually met. Sean and Beverly Lincoln. They're my writers.

What the hell do you need writers for? You're in a hospital.

We're here for support.

So what the hell happened?

He collapsed over breakfast.

That's what happened.

Collapsed? Well, what do you call it? His face was down in his cream of wheat.

They had to rush him here in an ambulance.

When I get out of here, I'm going to get one of those sirens. From the condo to

here, ten minutes.

So what did the doctors say?

They ran a bunch of tests. We're waiting to hear.

And more important, you've got to get us a better room.

What's wrong with this one?

You want to look at that all day?

Hello.

Whatever he has, I don't want it.

Perhaps I'll just... There we go.

You're the big shot.

Use your clout.

Yeah, talk to somebody.

What am I supposed to say?

Why don't you ask your writer?

Fine, I'll see what I can do.

It's lovely to see you both again.

I just wish it were under better circumstances.

You don't have to talk. All right.

So? Huh?

Happy now?

What do you want, a parade?

Here we go.

Comfy? It's perfect. Thank you, darling.

You are wonderful.

You're my guardian angel. You are a gift from God.

Hide your watch.

By the way, I told her we'd get her a friend's picture. We're going to need a

bunch. Now they all want one.

Fine, I got some in my car.

You keep friend's pictures in your car?

Judging? Really? Now?

Oh, and autographed. Relax.

I already signed them. What about the other five?

What? No one wants just you.

Jesus, the ego.

Fuck me.

Come on.

What do you need us for?

You want to stay here?

Right behind you.

Here, look, I did two different Jennifers.

This one's just a scroll, like, I'm a big star, I don't have time to sign.

Or this one.

Even though I am Jennifer Aniston, I take the time to carefully write my name

so you can read every letter.

What do you think?

I don't care.

You know what's killing him, don't you?

No, what?

You. You're what's killing him.

Not the smoking for 70 years?

All I know is he was doing fine until he read about you and your money.

That's when the chest pain started.

He never said anything to me.

Of course not. He's got pride.

He's got no pride.

You talking about me?

Mr.

LeBlanc, I'm Dr. Lillian. How are we feeling? I'm feeling hungry.

How are you feeling?

Hey, Doc, I'm Matt. Yes, I know. My wife's going to be very jealous. I'm

serious. A crack or anything.

So, where are we? Well, I wish we had better news.

There's definitely evidence of severe arterial blockage. I knew it. I'm

recommending we perform a bypass.

It'll increase the flow of blood to his heart. What number?

Double?

Triple? You hit the jackpot.

Quadruple. Jesus.

Doctor, may I ask, where did you study?

University of Manitoba.

Oh.

Manitoba. So here's the plan.

We're trying to schedule you in for today.

I think it's best not to wait.

I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything.

Thanks, son. Thank you so much.

See you later. Bye.

God bless you.

Manitoba ain't cracking me open.

What's happening?

Hey, he's going to have surgery.

Oh, you're kidding.

But Drupal bypass.

And of course, now I have to find them a better surgeon. What's wrong with the

one they've got?

That's the one they've got.

I don't even know where to fucking start.

What about your father? Maybe he could recommend someone.

All right.

What kind of doctor is he?

Cardiac surgeon.

One of the top guys in London.

Thank you. Well, he is. Great. Call him. See who he likes.

Actually, as Bev knows, I'm extremely uncomfortable asking my father for

anything. That's fine. You don't have to be comfortable. Just ask him.

So listen, while I've got you, I'm sure everything is going to be okay, and Dad

is going to come through with flying colors.

Uh-huh. But in the unlikely event he doesn't, hypothetically, what the

fuck happens to me?

What? Well, I have no protection, nothing in my name. I need to know when

he's dead. I am not out on my app.

I can hear you. Rest, God damn it!

I want the condo. You're not getting the condo. What do you need it for?

Because he's got no money.

Excuse me, folks. I'm going to have to ask you to take this conversation

elsewhere. Oh, yeah.

I've been taking care of this man for 14 years.

I cook for him. I clean for him.

You know, I have to shake his pecker every time he pees.

Just because I like it. I do all of that, and you're just going to throw me

out with the garbage? Hey, don't give me that guilt shit. You're not my mother.

Graceful prick.

Say something.

You know, I might not die.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

This is Dr. Lincoln.

Dad? Yes?

It's Sean.

Yes?

So, how have you been?

Fine.

I'm fine as well.

Ah.

So, I was actually calling for some medical advice.

Oh. I need the name of a top cardiac surgeon in L.A.

For whom?

Matt LeBlanc's father.

Who? Matt LeBlanc.

The star of our show.

Never watched it.

Right. Anyway, I was wondering if you could recommend someone. His father

needs a quadruple bypass.

Anyone can do that.

Yes, but they want the best.

You don't need the best for that.

Still, I'm making this call as a favor. If you could just give me a name.

Humor me.

Well, Krosnick thinks he's the best.

He's not.

So who is?

Gandelman's not great.

Okay. Perlmutter used to be pretty good, but now he's all about his stupid books.

Drop me the name.

I just gave you three.

None of whom you recommend.

I'll say.

Hello.

Hi, honey.

You sound like you're at the airport.

If only.

I'm actually at the hospital.

Oh, my God. Are you okay? I'm fine.

Matt LeBlanc's father has to have heart surgery.

And you're there why?

You tell me.

You don't happen to know a good heart surgeon, do you?

He should get the guy who did Merc.

I didn't know Merc had a heart.

Supposedly, he's the best.

He did Larry King.

He did most of the Golden Girls.

And then I think he did Larry King again.

Do you have a name?

Doctor something? I don't know. Just have Matt call Merc. He can get him in.

Great. So, uh, I kind of have an emergency.

Okay.

I need a pet name for Helen.

Right. I think I heard about this on CNN.

Seriously. It needs to be sweet and loving, and I need it fast.

And why do you have to give her one? Because she gave me one.

Really? Pet names already?

I know.

It's like we're on some kind of accelerated lesbian calendar.

Like, three days is a week.

If I were a dog, I'd be dead by now.

Well... What does she call you?

Scrunchie.

Scrunchie?

Where does she get scrunchie? Because I wear this stupid scrunchie when I wash

my face at night.

I'm her scrunchie.

Aww. I know. It's cute, right?

That's where the bar is.

Okay, calm down.

Everything I try out in my head sounds stupid.

Just give me something. Anything.

It's not how it works. It's got to evolve out of a moment. It's got to be

organic and playful and something that connects you two.

You're no use to me.

Maybe there's a website or something.

Did you speak to him?

It was like playing chess with death, if death were cranky.

So, what did he say? He gave me the name of three doctors he firmly doesn't

recommend.

However, according to Carol, Merc Lapidus, who's the top guy in L.A., she

said to call Merc and he can get you in.

Yeah, that's not happening.

What? I'm not talking to that asshole.

But you made me call my father.

Is he an asshole?

Yes. Really? You should have said something.

So what about finding a doctor?

Screw it. We'll go with Manitoba.

It's all a crapshoot anyway.

I'm still not talking to you. And I'm still grateful.

Mayor. What's going on?

She's prepping me. Whoa.

Oh, relax, Mary.

Where do you think you came from?

Sweetheart, write it down there. Maybe get the boss.

There's no reason, sir.

Who needs a reason?

Anyway, it's this thing with you and Linda. Why are you making it so hard?

Just tell her you'll take care of her.

Yeah, but I'm not.

Who gives a shit? I'll be dead. Just get her off my back.

I don't need this now.

So you want me to lie to her?

Why not?

You do it for a living.

Tell her she'll be fine and imagine there's a laugh track.

Jesus. Next topic.

Seriously? I'm on the clock here.

Fine. What?

That cocksucker who stole your money, is anything left?

None of your business.

It's my business. If you're going to sell my condo, you know I got nothing in

the bank. Whose fault is that?

I don't know. Just tell me.

Am I going to have a place to come home to?

Yes.

Yes?

I'm not selling the condo.

Promise?

I promise.

Liar. It's what you just told me to do. To her, not to me. Ow!

Try not to move, sir.

Great. So it really says I'm circumcised.

Here you go. You like them. Don't let them die in here. Good luck, Mr.

LeBlanc. See you on the other side.

The other side?

That sounded more final than I meant to. Yeah, why not just tell them to go

toward the light?

Hey, hey.

Did you ever get me a better doctor?

Yep.

Oh, shit.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Are you okay?

Yeah, there's just something.

Oh, God.

Is that one of mine?

Unless it's been there for four months.

Oh, gross.

Come on.

Little puby.

What? I'm going to call you little puby.

Scrunchie? Oh, come on. It's sweet.

Pubey.

Worst pet name ever. I know.

Scrunch? Gotta go.

Did I ever tell you my dad was in Korea?

Oh, wow.

No, not the war, the country.

Oh, okay.

He just disappeared one day.

I'm like 14.

I go over to his apartment and all his shit is gone. Just fucking gone.

A couple months later, we find out he's living in Korea.

Korea? Why Korea?

He got involved with some kind of import-export thing, something shady.

When he finally came back, he's got this Korean girl.

17. Jesus, 17?

Yeah. Her name was like Pad Woon Sen.

That's actually a Vietnamese noodle dish.

Is it?

Oh, yeah. Something like that.

Before we get too far, may I ask, is this story going to be wildly racist?

Not wildly.

Okay, go on.

Anyway... Kung Pao Shrimp is living at his apartment. Clearly we have different

definitions for the word wildly.

And by the way, she is hot.

Every time I go over there, she's like walking around in her panties. I'm sorry

to interrupt again, but does this end with you fucking your father's

girlfriend? Uh, let a story unfold, maybe.

Sorry.

Anyway, yeah, I end up fucking her.

So she's got me pinged up against the refrigerator, and I'm like... Oh, my

God, because she's my first career.

Really? Not until you were 14?

I lived in Boston.

So right in the middle of it, guess who walks in?

Of course he does.

And he starts screaming, and she starts screaming, and he's, like, trying to

pull her off of me. Like, she's so tight.

It's like getting one of those Garfield things off your car window.

Vivid. Next thing I know, he's got me on the ground.

And he grabs his chopstick. Of course it's a chopstick. They were all over the

place. And he slams it into my arm. Jesus.

I mean, into my arm, right down to the tendon. Holy shit. Oh, yeah. So this

thing is sticking out of my arm. I'm bleeding like a son of a bitch.

And all I can think is how much I want my father to fucking die.

I was thinking about that today.

Be careful what you wish for.

Hey, where have you been?

Carol.

Don't even ask.

Any news?

Nope.

I'm starting to get a bad feeling this is taking too long.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

Why? He's been smoking since he was 11.

They probably opened him up and found a pack of Territons in there. Yeah, you

still smoke. I decided today I'm quitting. Really? Good for you.

Yeah.

So you just said the word smoke.

Now they're going to have one.

Miss Bob, good news.

I got a buyer for the plane.

Oh, Jesus.

How much? Almost six, which is a lot more than we thought we'd get.

Yeah, okay.

So we still need another two for the IRS.

Oh, come on.

We've talked about a couple options.

We can sell the car collection or your dad's condo.

Which way you want to go?

Sell the cars.

Really? Not the condo? You sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Hey, Dad.

I gotta pee.

No, that's just the catheter.

And FYI, you are peeing.

Hey.

I'm sorry, I can't shake it.

So I'm not dead.

Everything went great.

You'll be out in a week.

Fuckin' Manitoba.

Why are they still here?

I honestly do not know.

I want a sandwich.

No, no solid food.

Tomorrow, maybe some broth.

Fuck broth. Calm down.

When you get out of here... We'll celebrate.

Sandwiches, whatever you want.

I want a car.

What?

I want a new car.

My aunt is six years old, and I want to celebrate with a new car.

I'm not getting you a car.

What is the matter with you? The man almost died. If he wants a car, get him

a car. I'm not buying him a fucking car.

All right. What do you say we let the patient get some rest?

Why don't you give him one of yours? You have so many.

I don't want one of his. And I don't got so many.

He's not supposed to get dressed?

Fine.

We'll let you rest.

A Panamera.

I'm not getting you a Panamera. What?

You should have one, but I can't have one. I don't have a Panamera. If it's

your night, I'll let you borrow mine.

You're not getting a Panamera.

Cabaret? No. I think we have all lost sight of the fact that today was a gift.

Shut up. You selfish bastard. You're the worst son ever.

Fuck you.

Don't you fuck her. Fuck you.

Fuck you. All right, all of you.

Enough. This man has just come out of surgery.

Unless you want to send him back there, you'll speak to each other in civil

tones, or you'll leave the room.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.