Original subtitles

I need you to talk to Andrew Leslie.

There is no way we are speaking to that smug, duplicitous, talking scarf.

If you do this for me, I will take you to a Golden Globes gifting suite.

Say more.

So this is fantastic.

It's sophisticated and hilarious, and you've been hearing that stuff all day

long. So, was I right?

She's great.

Right. Very impressive.

Jesus, tell me we're getting the fucking chill.

It's probably a huge mistake, and I'm sure there'll come a day when I regret

this. So it's a yes!

What we need to do is look at reducing your expenses.

Child support, alimony.

Actually, that one's going away. My ex-wife's getting remarried.

Well, that's a sizable savings.

Congratulations. Where are we with Ollie?

It's over.

So that's it? It's just...

It's over?

Yeah, over.

Jesus.

Are those tears in your eyes?

This is very upsetting.

Okay, watch. First, you draw Mr.

Froggy's eyes like this.

Now let's give him a chin.

He's going to need some legs.

And a mouth.

And he's really surprised because he's not a frog at all. He's a... What?

Something from Tim Wittek.

He's in town, wants to have lunch with us. With us or with you?

Could be the plural you.

Darling, he hates me.

He doesn't. Oh, please.

In his mind, if I hadn't come along, you'd still be writing together.

He calls me Yoko.

He doesn't call you Yoko. Well, obviously, not to my face, but... All

right. I've never told you this, because I know you'll say I'm crazy, but...

Every time he sees me, he somehow manages to work the word, oh, no, into

the conversation.

Oh, no.

Yeah, you're crazy.

Are you still there?

Of course we're still here. There's no other way out.

It's on in Beverly's office.

Eileen Jaffe on one.

Hello. So, are you dying?

A little bit every day.

of the trades.

What? You haven't seen them yet?

No. There's a whole thing about you guys selling the show.

Wendy, have the trades arrived yet?

What trades?

Trades.

Hang on, Eileen.

Look at that.

I can't believe you didn't see it.

I can't believe they used that stupid picture. I look like I'm in a failed boy

band.

Enjoy this. A straight-to-series hiccup. There are 300 TV writers who hate you

today. It doesn't get better than that. You do like the envy.

All right, I'm jumping off. Mazel tov, as you probably don't say.

Bye. Thank you.

Newly appointed network prexy Helen Bass says, we're thrilled to be working with

a script of this caliber. Thank you, Helen.

No turning back now.

You really can't let yourself enjoy it.

Not and still be me.

Okay.

On a scale of one to ten, how awkward would this be?

Mark Lapidus. Five.

Wants to come in and pitch a show.

Seven. And I'm probably going to buy it. It goes up to ten, right?

What's he pitching?

I have no idea. But you know you're going to buy it. I sort of have to.

Because... He gave me my first job. No way.

Yeah, so I kind of owe him.

At least that's what he said.

You talked to him? Oh, I listened. He begged.

Very good with the begging. Believe me. I know.

No, no. I didn't mean that way.

What? Look, I don't know what you heard. I heard that it lasted five years and

ended when he left. So you're pretty much caught up.

I just think I've got to do something.

I mean, his whole life went to shit.

First the firing, then the divorce, now the Larry Penzel thing.

Oh, my God. He was in that?

Supposedly, he took a big hit.

So, you're going to be okay having him here?

Absolutely. I'll be fine.

Honest. Honest on a scale of... Let's say two.

Line.

Morning.

Morning. If you could read, you'd see the library is closed.

Line. So I hear you and my brother had a good time.

So I hear you and my brother had a good time. For about three minutes.

Unfortunately, the date lasted three hours.

Line. Hey.

Who's the person who warned you about him in not just one, not just two, but

five emails, one of which had an emoticon and a wagging finger?

Hey, I warned you.

Are you kidding me?

Lying. No, asshole, that's me talking. You have six fucking lines in the whole

episode. Oh, who gives a shit? No one's going to see this piece of crap. I'm not

going to waste my fucking time learning this.

Shall we continue?

You need to see the script?

No, I'm good.

And action. Line.

Son of a bitch. Cut.

All right.

I think we've got that.

Didn't even get to the end of the scene.

It doesn't matter. It's good enough.

Is this about going to the stupid gifting suite with Matt?

I have to get that before all the good stuff's gone.

Let's say we break for lunch.

Really?

Apparently, we've already broken.

Okay, that's lunch, everybody.

Go change. Go, go.

Okay, you are going to have to try and calm down.

This is me trying.

Go.

Oh, that's Tim.

Oh, shit. Tim.

What about oh shit made you think I wanted him over here?

It's Tim. Hello, you.

And you.

Great to see you.

Look at you two moguls.

Hardly. I love this one's email. Meet me at the stage. We'll grab a bite at the

commissary. It's like something out of Sunset Boulevard.

And yet most of the time we feel like William Holden floating in the pool.

Anyway, so nice to see you.

Oh, what, are you not joining us?

Oh, I wish I could.

Unfortunately, I have this thing with Matt LeBlanc.

Oh.

Hang on.

Everything in this room is free.

Rooms. This is just the first one?

Oh, my God.

It's like when the Wizard of Oz turned to color.

Hey, Matt LeBlanc, Beth Venick put us on the list?

Absolutely. Welcome.

Now what?

Well, now we go around and they give us stuff.

By the way, this is very similar to things I've made up in my head.

Vivate is an all-natural energy drink. It's packed with eight herbs and

vitamins and antioxidants.

No sugar, no caffeine. The boost comes from things like ginseng, marijuana,

astragalus root.

I don't like plague.

Would you like a few cans? Absolutely.

It's... Free.

Matt, do you mind if we get a shot of you maybe holding the Vive 8?

Nothing's free.

I'm just going to say and try to be a little selective.

Hey, eyes here.

Because whatever you take, I've got to do a picture, and then it shows up on

their website, and suddenly I'm endorsing their shit.

So all I'm asking is that you don't take everything.

Oh, peanut brittle.

So tell me, how are you? What have you been up to?

I'm out here trying to get meetings, then of course not getting meetings.

I've got this script, but I can't even get anyone to read it to reject it. I

know, it's a horrible, stupid town.

Said the man with two TV shows.

Right, okay, first of all, Puck has been a bloody nightmare.

No, no, seriously, from start to finish, a fucking disaster.

Oh, pop it.

Do I look like I feel sorry for you because I'm trying so very hard?

Prick. What, you want sympathy?

Pictures in the front of Variety.

Which was very exciting, by the way.

Well... When I read the thing, I was like, oh, my God.

They're making our show.

Sorry, what?

Our show. You finally got it on.

Oh, no, no. Actually, the show Bev and I are doing is vastly different from that

thing you and I kicked around.

Well, that's not true. No, no, it absolutely is.

The opposite of us bears no resemblance to... I can't even remember the name of

the thing. We're Not Them.

Right. I mean, they're both about two families.

Well... They've both got the same cast playing two parts.

Right, but the specific characters, the story, the scenes... Believe me, if

you'd read it, you'd realise. Oh, I've read it. You've read it?

I got a copy from Stanley Richardson.

He's still my agent, too, you know.

God, he's useless.

But he gave you our script.

Right. They're not completely useless.

Yeah.

Jean-Luc is based in Paris.

All his pieces are hand-stitched.

He's designed for Sharon Stone, for Jennifer Laurent.

And I can just take this.

Or we can ship it to you.

Suddenly, all the crap you've put it through is totally worth it.

Our artisanal salsa's are all hand-crafted from natural organic

ingredients. Would you like a jar?

Seriously, a jar?

She's giving out leather jacket.

Kitty litter.

Really? It's organic.

You don't have a fucking cat.

How does Bev feel about doing our project?

It's going to be a bit awkward for her. She doesn't feel anything because we

haven't discussed it.

Because... No offence. It's not the same show.

And yet it is.

Stealing one of your chips?

Seems only fair.

Look, we're just going to have to agree to disagree.

Clearly, my recollection of it is very different from yours. And it's not even

like there's a script we can turn to.

It is the notes.

The notes?

Our notes.

And the words, I'll do the typing, finally pay off.

All right, obviously, I haven't seen these, but I can tell you right now,

there are huge differences.

And yet my lawyers keep banging on about the similarities. Your lawyers? They're

very excited about this. And I'm like, okay, calm down.

These are old friends.

They wouldn't try and screw me.

They're not stupid.

Ah, fuck it, I'm taking all of these.

I want to stay here for the rest of my life.

Whoa. Then hurry up and die, because I'm ready to go.

Hey. Are you fucking nuts?

Probably. What?

You taught them to draw a vagina?

Calm down. It's just a vagina.

No, I am.

They're children.

They're fine.

They're not fine. Seriously.

Relax. You relax.

You're not the one who's going to get the calls from the other mothers when

their kids come home. Oh, Christ.

What? I got to call you back. Where are you?

That stupid gifting sweet thing. I'll talk to him.

Do not hang up.

What are you doing? That's hers.

It was on the table.

I believe that's yours.

Jesus, fuck. You owe me a handbag.

There they are.

Come here.

Oh, look at you. My two favorite girls.

I invented these two.

Okay.

Ellen Bash, Carol Rance, me. I am from the Linden. Welcome.

Nice to meet you.

This guy is a genius.

Well, no, no, no, not well. He is the number one show in Holland.

You should see. The whole country shuts down Wednesday nights.

Restaurants close. Streets are deserted.

You can't hear a wooden shoe.

Well, come on in. Tell us. That's it.

Should I just dive in? I'm diving in. Yeah. Okay. The title literally

translates as, This is me and the box I am in, which obviously will change. It's

not exactly gripping, but... Titles, schmeidels, the show is fantastic.

These Dutch fucks are so brilliant at this. It's like Survivor meets Big

Brother meets Millionaire meets Survivor again.

Wow. Okay. It starts with like 12 people.

Six people.

Six people.

And they're all in these boxes. They don't start in the boxes.

Right, right, right. They're not in the boxes yet. They start in the chairs.

And the chairs.

And they're lowered into the boxes.

When you say boxes... They're like these cells with nothing in them. And the

people in the boxes have to answer these questions. And they get points.

Not points.

Not points, but they're like points.

Let's call them points.

To buy like basic necessities. Like a blanket or shoes.

Or a piece of fruit. Fruit is later.

Fruit is later.

But say a pillow or toilet paper. They don't have toilet paper? They have

toilet paper. All right, all right, all right. They have toilet paper. Let's not

get bogged down.

The idea is they're buying these basic human necessities with the exception of

toilet paper, which they already have. Well, they do.

Okay.

Or... And this is the part I love.

They can spend their points to do shit to the people in the other boxes.

They can make someone else's box colder or hotter or fill it with bugs.

Really? Bugs? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a very big part of it. They'll release the

bugs. And the audience yells, Release the bugs!

Fucking bugs come pouring in. It's like Fear Factor. You remember Fear Factor?

It's like that.

But classy.

Of course. They've got toilet paper.

Exactly.

So, um, how long are they in these boxes?

Well, the whole season.

See?

How does it end?

Well, they vote each other out. No. No, no, no. The audience votes.

No. No, I don't know. It eventually ends.

Look, we don't have to do it like they did it. It's fucking Holland.

Hey. Oh, now you can talk?

I come bearing gifts. You come bearing crap.

Not all of it's crap.

Kitty litter?

Okay, some of it's crap.

Hang on, I want you to see something.

Your son drew this in our class.

Holy shit, look at that.

It's a vagina.

I know.

He drew a vagina.

Calm down.

It's not like there's a dick in it.

They called me from school.

I bet they did.

This is very impressive.

I get it, but Jesus, look at this. The way he drew the legs.

It's got perspective.

It's got detail.

It's got pubes. Yeah.

He's eight.

I know.

When I was eight, I couldn't draw a house with clouds.

He's talented.

Are you fucking with me?

No. Try to get past the pussy part. There's nothing past the pussy part.

Yeah, there is.

Look at the execution. Just look at it.

You got to admit.

All right, I kind of think. That's all I'm saying.

Still, you're his father. You're not supposed to teach him shit like this.

Hey, I cannot take credit for this. That thing I drew was like a stick figure.

This is a gift.

You're not putting it on your fridge. I am so putting it on my fridge.

So wonderful to see you.

Nobody picks it.

Like you do.

You really brought your A-game. Now, this thing pitches itself.

I'm telling you, it's going to be bigger here than it is over there. Stop

selling. We bought it.

Arjen, so nice of you. We're really excited about this. Thank you. Thank you

very much. Didn't I tell you? Have a good weekend, you two. Hey,

get the elevator. I'll be right with you. Sir.

What did you call him? Who?

Arjen?

idea. Well, we did a good thing.

Patty, tell me I have nothing else today.

You have nothing else today.

I love you. See you Monday.

You sure?

Yes. Go home. Have a good weekend.

All in all, not a bad first week.

Not bad.

We've got the number one show in Holland.

In Holland.

Well, the best part is we're done.

So here's a question.

Do you ever get high?

Once in a while.

These are kind of cool.

They light up when you walk.

Yeah, that's what I need. Flip-flops, I have to recharge.

I'll take them.

Look at this.

Who the hell would wear a rubber dress?

The girl in this picture?

Oh, here we go.

You're going to like this.

What are you doing?

What? I haven't had a drink in three months. I know.

We should celebrate that.

You're such a shit.

Once in a while is not going to kill you.

Is that the 13th step?

I don't know. I never got past two.

You got any limes?

What do you think?

Nice.

Is that a scratch across the lens?

They were the last pair.

But free.

Right. But can you see?

Not really, but you're totally missing the point.

Of glasses?

So, how was your lunch with Tim? Oh, and by the way, you heard the oh-no thing?

I did. Thank you, wanker.

Ah. Well, OK, lunch.

Let me start by saying there is no cause for alarm.

Looking great.

Is it medical?

My son grows it. Aw.

I want children.

Yeah. It's Myra.

Oh, come in.

Is now a good time?

Mm-hmm. Very good.

I got the casting from New York on First the Good News. I sent you both the link.

Great. We'll definitely take a look.

Have a good weekend. Are you doing anything fun?

There's a new exhibit at the Holocaust Museum.

Enjoy.

Bye.

She looked like she smelled it. She always looked like she smelled it.

Why is it so quiet?

Where are the boys?

I like that you're just now wondering where your children are.

They're staying over at my mother's.

Willingly?

Remember when we didn't have kids?

That was nice.

Don't blame me, Mr. Just the Tip.

And twice.

I mean, I love them and all, but how great was it before they showed up?

Screwing all over the house, getting on the bike, riding up the coast.

It was a different time.

You were crazy back then.

Back then, I'd probably put on that rubber dress.

I'm not putting on the rubber dress. Okay.

I meant this.

Yeah, this is nice.

I meant drinking.

God, you're cute.

I forget how cute you are. Shut up.

What?

I'm not putting on the rubber dress.

That's the best thing to happen to rubbers. It's tires.

Buy a latex girl a drink?

Life's funny.

I'm picturing you with Merc.

Why would you want to do that?

Five years?

Really? Yeah, but I'm in my 30s, so that's not time

wasted.

Wow. Okay. So, Merc, my ex-husband, and I heard a

rumor.

Probably true.

Castor Soto.

What is with you and bosses?

Have a type, Julia?

I think I'm attracted to power.

Also, I may have some father issues.

Self-aware and fucked up. Pleased to meet you.

Okay, why are we only talking about my shit?

You must have shit.

Oh, I do have some shit.

Oh?

What's your type?

Are you seeing anybody?

Was. Ended three months ago.

Aw. It's fine. All good.

Is he anyone I'd know?

Maybe.

He's Jennifer Collier from Channel 3 News.

Ah.

So,

your type is? I'd say smart.

Beautiful.

Slightly damaged.

You know anyone like that?

Oh.

Why?

So...

Maybe not just father issues.